[ElisaB]

This isn't helping. The meds don't work. My family doesn't help and my life is falling to pieces. My kids hate me. My husband doesn't understand me and I'm to the point where I can't stand myself.
I don't know what to do. I need to leave or die! Something needs to change and there's no way of telling what or even how. I pray every night that I don't wake up. I love my children, but they're better off without me. I don't think I'ma good mother, know I'm not a good wife and starting to worder whether I am a good person or not. I may think I am, but if it were true, things would go my way once in a while... a break. I'm tired of working so hard for everything. Not talking actual working... just everything. Christmas was horrible! I hate where I am. I don't want to be here any more and no where to go!
If I left then it would be abandonment. If I die, well, the obvious there... I'm trapped and helpless and on the brink of something, I think, not good. I just want to be gone and relieve everyone that has had to put up with me for so long. I'm tired of being in pain and causing pain. Just one person! One person to really understand, know what I feel and that's not possible.
I feel like maybe one attempt DID work and this is purgatory?? I'm not religious, but... starting to wonder. Am I already dead? Was this another chance but I can't change? I can't make things happen how they're supposed to? Damned to just be this way for eternity?
I see no light. There's no happiness. Disconnected. Alone. Helpless. Hopeless.

[Clinte89]

I've been there I know exactly what you mean. Just want to go away or wonder if this is some hell that I live in to feel this for ever. I feel ya I really do. But I'm sure your family loves you you just can't see that now. Maybe you need to talk to your pdoc ASAP, or consider a hospital stay. Just please hang in there it can get better. Maybe look into ect that's what I had to do and it helped greatly.

please don't kill yourself... if you do that, your family will be devistated (you may not realise it, but they would) we on the forums would be sad, and you won't have a chance of making things better- which i'm sure you want to do.

hugs

[ElisaB]

Originally Posted by Clinte89

I've been there I know exactly what you mean. Just want to go away or wonder if this is some hell that I live in to feel this for ever. I feel ya I really do. But I'm sure your family loves you you just can't see that now. Maybe you need to talk to your pdoc ASAP, or consider a hospital stay. Just please hang in there it can get better. Maybe look into ect that's what I had to do and it helped greatly.

I did ECT's but cannot continue treatment or go back for follow-ups... This is it!
Loving and caring are two different things. They may love me, but they don't care, not really. And I know this. My husband doesn't care other than there wouldn't be anyone to clean or take care of the kids. My kids would be devastated initially, but they would grow and get over it and, hopefully, be told that they ARE better off without me there, screaming, sad, crying all the time.. telling them what to do. That's the only part that makes me try, but when everything works agaist you, you have to decide whether it's you or what it is you're trying to do that needs to change. And, it's me! It's always been me!! I don't think I'm supposed to be here any more!

[Clinte89]

Hang in there you are not thinking clearly right now. You just need to think of all the positives I'm sure you'll find they are many and no one would get over your leaving trust me its a hard thing to go through and is nothin that can be forgotten or let go of. I think you need to go to the hospital I'm very concerned about you.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by ElisaB

There's no happiness. Disconnected. Alone. Helpless. Hopeless.

Elisa, I think you need that pretty famous book about how to write your way out of depression. Let me look up the exact title.

[hamster-bamster]

Here - titled "Writing through the Darkness"

http://www.amazon.com/Writing-Throug.../dp/1587613190

I have not read the book but I have seen good reviews. You clearly write well and are very articulate - I just quoted one particularly articulate piece from your post above, so this technique might do wonders for you and accomplish what the meds and ECT could not. Also, do not kill yourself. I had a boyfriend who eventually killed himself (long after we went each our own path) and... some years earlier his dad had killed himself. So it can be passed down from generation to generation. If you want your kids to die of natural causes one day, do not kill yourself for their sake.

[bluemountains]

Hi Elisa, I have been where you are, and it is a scary place. I had to seek out help from my pdoc and therapist. Actually, my husband sent me in that direction because of my behaviors. I am hoping that you will look for professional help to get you through this.

I thought that my children would be better off without me. My therapist kept telling me that it would affect them for the rest of their lives. Finally, after getting chemically straight with meds, I could see clearly the damage I would do to many people if I chose that path.

Try to focus on the fact that this is temporary, there is help available, and your family loves you. It may be hard to see right now, but nudge yourself forward and things will get better. Please go to the hospital or at least phone someone for help, or ask your husband to do it for you.

Keep posting to let us know how things are going, Elisa.

Bluemountains

[mileysmom]

i agree with clinte89. everything just seems awful right now because your ill. when you get proper treatment things will seem much different.
i also agree that you need to talk to your doc or see someone in assessment at your local psych hospital. maybe you need some adjustments and some nursing care just for you. please, don't feel bad about your families needs they will be fine. i've been through this plus a bad accident that put me in a wheelchair. for some funny reason when moms there we end up being the everything to everyone but when were gone they have this uncanny ability to take care of themselves. now thats crazy.
take care of yourself.
mileysmom

[ElisaB]

Originally Posted by mileysmom

for some funny reason when moms there we end up being the everything to everyone but when were gone they have this uncanny ability to take care of themselves. now thats crazy.
mileysmom

That's my point. They will be able to take care of themselves... BETTER if I weren't around. My husband could care less! Seriously... he cares very little but he could care even less. I know he has his issues, but I'm the only one practicing empathy here. It's not bad enough he talks to me like crap to begin with, but he doesn't even see it! He tells me I'm useless, I don't have a job and don't do anything, yet I'm at home all day with 3 kids, one a 3-year old who is almost uncontrollable (at least by me)... even when he's home, he doesn't get much done... but he's too dense to recognize it.
I know that children of suicides have issues. I don't want my kids to go through that. But at the same time, have to decide which is the worst of the two? Having a mom who's crying all the time? Sad? Screaming? Impatient? Or one that's not there any more? I know my husband wouldn't care... he'd just find someone to do the cleaning and take care of the kids who'll give him some every now and then, willing or not. I wish he could see it. I can't explain it any clearer to him. If I faked my death, MAYBE... even then, I really don't think he'd care.
To make matters even worse, talking to my biological father last night telling him how my mom doesn't talk to me any more, he told him how sad he's always been cause he always thought that my mom never wanted kids and when she had me (only child btw) she ignored me and didn't do things for me and that all I wanted was a long dressed and to be loved. How sad!! Not even your mother wants you? It explains a lot! How she's always worried about her clothes and looks but never cared about me. Travelled and dumped me at who-ever's house for the summer but wouldn't pay to have me to extra curricular activities at school. At times I thought she was helping... it took me a while to understand why it was good to have to have your 17 year old daughter make her own car and insurance payments and pay for her own entire college and add on a debt that can't be fixed... "to appreciate those things you have". I appreciated them fine, but it would have been nice to have support... just a little. And it created a downward spiral that can't be turned around.. here I sit, wondering why she ever had me!!!!! I shouldn't have been born, I shouldn't be here!! Clearly, that's caused a butterfly effect that can't be turned back. My mind is garbage. And there's no amount of meds that's gonna fix it... I've tried 'em... the cocktails, multitudes of them, all failed attempts and then 3 actual failed attempts??? I shouldn't be here!!

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by ElisaB

That's my point. They will be able to take care of themselves... BETTER if I weren't around. My husband could care less! Seriously... he cares very little but he could care even less. I know he has his issues, but I'm the only one practicing empathy here. It's not bad enough he talks to me like crap to begin with, but he doesn't even see it! He tells me I'm useless, I don't have a job and don't do anything, yet I'm at home all day with 3 kids, one a 3-year old who is almost uncontrollable (at least by me)... even when he's home, he doesn't get much done... but he's too dense to recognize it.
I know that children of suicides have issues. I don't want my kids to go through that. But at the same time, have to decide which is the worst of the two? Having a mom who's crying all the time? Sad? Screaming? Impatient? Or one that's not there any more? I know my husband wouldn't care... he'd just find someone to do the cleaning and take care of the kids who'll give him some every now and then, willing or not. I wish he could see it. I can't explain it any clearer to him. If I faked my death, MAYBE... even then, I really don't think he'd care.
To make matters even worse, talking to my biological father last night telling him how my mom doesn't talk to me any more, he told him how sad he's always been cause he always thought that my mom never wanted kids and when she had me (only child btw) she ignored me and didn't do things for me and that all I wanted was a long dressed and to be loved. How sad!! Not even your mother wants you? It explains a lot! How she's always worried about her clothes and looks but never cared about me. Travelled and dumped me at who-ever's house for the summer but wouldn't pay to have me to extra curricular activities at school. At times I thought she was helping... it took me a while to understand why it was good to have to have your 17 year old daughter make her own car and insurance payments and pay for her own entire college and add on a debt that can't be fixed... "to appreciate those things you have". I appreciated them fine, but it would have been nice to have support... just a little. And it created a downward spiral that can't be turned around.. here I sit, wondering why she ever had me!!!!! I shouldn't have been born, I shouldn't be here!! Clearly, that's caused a butterfly effect that can't be turned back. My mind is garbage. And there's no amount of meds that's gonna fix it... I've tried 'em... the cocktails, multitudes of them, all failed attempts and then 3 actual failed attempts??? I shouldn't be here!!

Elisa, sorry for being so blunt but do not make stupid choices. You are describing two problems. One is that you need a new man who would care about you. This is a solvable problem but a suicide is not an appropriate solution. You will not get a better partner via suicide. The other problem is your mother has. Never cared about you. Again suicide will not solve this problem yet T might help.

[Clinte89]

I agree with hamster sui cant solve any of your problems. You can make those changes yourself. Please go check into a hospital. Take care of yourself.

[hamster-bamster]

Another thing is that depression is known to diminish cognitive abilities. All the more reason to. Abstain from making major decisions while depressed. Please, Elisa.

[Cocosurviving]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

Another thing is that depression is known to diminish cognitive abilities. All the more reason to. Abstain from making major decisions while depressed. Please, Elisa.

I completely agree. I've been having some depression and now I've had one good week. I can see the difference in my thoughts and decisions that I was going to make. Elisa I hope u get the needed help u deserve and need. I agree w/ others abt two things: 1). Taking ur life won't fix ur two major problems 2). U probably need help from a hospital at this point. I'm not sure if religious but I pray all the time when my depression sets in. Best wishes.

[Doingmybest]

Please know that all of us here care about you and want you to get past this we know it's not easy and I have been there but please stop and think...this will not solve anything...I am here for you if you ever need to talk fell free to PM me.

[ElisaB]

Thank you all. That's the dilema... suicide solves nothing other than making the pain go away. I'm tired of being in pain, hurting, wishing, wanting.... I don't want to die, but living doesn't seem to have much to offer me. I want things to change but unable to make the changes happen, not knowing what or how to change.

I know it's been a while. I stayed away 'cause all I could think of was going away. I'll just drown in my sorrow alone, as usual. A while back ago I started a blog. A journal more like, really. The link is below if anyone wished to read it (or in my profile). I plan on adding to it more regularly than I have in the past. Trying to use the tiny gift of writing for good. I hope my stories get happier, but there's so much sadness in my life, I don't even know if that's possible. I don't care of no one reads it... I just hope I remember that I wrote it (after the ECT's my memory's failing me more than usual... conversations, etc).

Again, thank you... for being blunt, for caring, for commenting. I feel so incredibly alone and misunderstood and you all have shown so much caring... it's overwhelming. Even if I don't check in as often as I should. For once in a long time, I actually feel cared about. Thank you!!

http://watsnthename.blogspot.com/

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by ElisaB

Thank you all. That's the dilema... suicide solves nothing other than making the pain go away.
http://watsnthename.blogspot.com/

It does not solve that problem, either, because there would be no person capable of feeling and thus enjoying being pain-free.

It really does not solve any problems.

[Doxie mom]

I am sorry you are hurting. Trust me if you killed yourself it would affect your children more than you can imagine. It would affect them for the rest of their lives.think how hard it is for you because your mom ignores you imagine how abandoned they would feel. Sorry not trying to make you feel bad. I know it is hard to see a way out when we are depressed. Have you gone to a hospital seen if you could be seen maybe they could help you with meds and a therapist.

I agree with Blue Mountains on this. She is right about having a hospital stay for several days to calm things for you and to have your meds re-evaluated for correcting the chemical imbalance. That's what the problem is and all you need to do is place yourself in a hospital so that can be done.

You'll be fine just as soon as you take action.

You're far more valuable to your children and your husband than you know. And they need you, whether you believe that right now or not. So please, please take
action and get to the hospital on your own if necessary.

Out of kindness, though, ask your husband to escort you and explain to the children that you'll be back in several days. They will accept you with loving arms. Just
wait and see.

Good wishes in your recovery soon.

[hamster-bamster]

Elisa, inpatient you would see other people equally or more sad than you are, and that would give you a perspective. I remember how I met a depressed former architect when inpatient. He had absolutely nothing situational. Nothing. His good-looking blonde wife came to visit him every day, with children in tow. Other relatives came. He used to be very successful but had to go out of business due to depression. He had such an incredibly sad look. He was inpatient for weeks on end, doing ECT, which was not helping at the time when I met him but hopefully finally delivered on its promise later. That person really really made me aware of how deep endogenous (non-situational) depression can be. I am certainly a much lighter case than he is, and I would never need ECT. I still remember his sad face.

After that hospitalization, I went to a residential treatment house. One resident was a professional chef. He used to be employed by rich people as a creative chef. He loved what he did. Even in the residential treatment he enjoyed barbecuing for everyone. But he had incredibly sad eyes even when he cooked. His wife and daughter, both blonde and good-looking as well, a picture of a perfect family, lived very far away and could not visit often. The last penny was spent on his treatment and he was not improving. Despite medications and therapy performed in the residential treatment he became horribly suicidal. It was just endogenous - he had everything going for him situationally, a good family and a good profession he enjoyed. He went inpatient at the advice of his T. To Stanford's acute (locked) unit. There, he was told that his only way out would be CBT. I do not keep in touch with those people so I do not know whether he has followed through on this piece of advice. Again, I saw just how horrible and deep non-situational depression can be.

Okay Eliza... it's been a while now.

CHECK IN WITH US!

[ElisaB]

A hospital stay would be the worst thing to happen right now. We live where there's no one really to help my husband out. He works odd hours, two girls in elementary school and a three-year old not in school. I'm afraid to even see a doctor (although I do have an appointment scheduled for next week) 'cause I'm afraid they're going to commit me, not to mention, there is NO guarantees that I would only be there a few days. Additionally, I have no insurance!! So, I'm screwed every which way possible.

thanks for checking in. You have had a lot of us worried!

[hamster-bamster]

Tell the doctor that you have a lot of suicidal ideation but no definite plans, and they will not commit you. Having ideation is OK.

[charo224488]

ElisaB- You sound exactly like I did. I swear- we have said the same exact words. I also have said that I felt like my son would be better off, that everyone would. I don't feel like that today. If someone had told me when I said the things you are saying that someday I would not feel that way anymore, I never would have believed them. But here I am. I know you won't believe me, that this too shall pass, but at least see that a total stranger has said the same words as you and know that this is our illness talking, not our hearts. We share this illness and these words and these feelings. I may wake up tomorrow and feel like you do right now, but I will look at my writings and remind myself that those feelings are not me, they are a disease. I promise you that leaving your children would destroy them, and as my husband and doctor put it to me, "as a mother, you do not have the luxury of making the choice to end your life". It infuriated me at the time, but now I understand. Everything looks bad now, much worse than it is or should look, but you are wearing bipolar glasses. You have to give yourself a chance and get to the doctor as soon as you can. Don't give up on yourself. You are someone's mother, and that in itself is a triumph. You are worth a trip to the doctor and some pills and some rest and a new perspective. Please don't let a disease make this decision for you. You are here, and you are meant to be here. PM me anytime. Virtual hug to you.