[BNLsMOM]

My husband, in the context of therapy, revealed to me today that he can't stand the way I kiss, that he is not attracted to me, and that he is interested in dating other people. BUT he doesn't want to end the marriage and he wants to make it work.

In a relationship, I need to be intimate with my partner, and I need to be confident that my partner is committed, and attracted to me.

This revelation explains to me why we haven't had much sex in the last 4 years. It comes as a shock to me that he is interested in other people. He won't admit to anyone specifically, but he is talking about wanting relationships with people, not just sex.

I haven't figured out how I am supposed to continue our relationship with this information in the back ground. What do I mean to him? Where do I fit in? He didn't have answers to those questions.

What would you do with this info?

[likewater]

Yowsers. I personally would kick him to the curb. You deserve to be loved 100%. May angels surround you. ps i'm sorry to hear that your husband is a selfish jerk.

[Anika.]

OMG, yes. How massively confusing. I am not even sure what to say accept that I am so very sorry.

The kissing remark, I am sorry what a low blow. That's I dunno, how immature.

The rest of it.... I have no idea, what does he want. An open relationship? How can you keep the marriage and work on it, and date other people and have other relationships with other women all at the same time . It doesn't make any sense. He sounds extremely confused. And yes selfish. Sorry, but that is horribly selfish, and amazing timing, all things considered.

I would also kick him to the curb. If it were me. I have a very low tolerance for this kind of stuff, because I do not ever give out this kind of "love", I won't accept this back. You don't deserve this kind of crap either BNLsMOM, I am so sorry.

He really needs to figure out what the heck is doing, and what he wants. But I think now would be a very good time for you to do the same. No matter what he decides, what do you want? You have to put yourself first now.

Please take care of yourself, I know you are having such a hard time right now. I am very sorry, I think I don't have words right now to express how I feel for you. But sometimes the men we love, just are not worth it. I am trying to bite my tongue a bit, I would love to give him a piece of my mind.

[hamster-bamster]

Just be triple sure to have no more children by him. The rest will fall into place with time, but having another child now (you mentioned that possibility only a short while ago) would be a real disaster.

I was thinking about your thread recently about wanting another child too. Makes me wonder now if that desire might have been more in hopes it might somehow make things better in your marriage -- a distraction perhaps? Please don't have another child with him unless these issues get resolved.

Personally, this might be close to a deal breaker for me as if my husband was basically saying he doesn't love me anymore and wants to branch out, that goes beyond what I could tolerate in my marriage. If your husband can see the error of his thinking and really wants to repair the damage, then work on it I guess. But if he is stuck in this thinking and really doesn't want to work on your marriage, perhaps this might be his way of saying he wants out, but instead of manning up and saying he wants out himself, he's going to piss you off enough that you do it yourself.

[BNLsMOM]

Yes the additional child idea is dead in my mind, which breaks my heart.

He says he wants to work on the marriage and make it work, but I have such mixed feelings right now. I want him to be happy as much as I want to be happy and I feel that being "stuck" with me wouldn't make him happy. There's always going to be that curiosity that he has about other people, and the thought in the back of my mind that he might someday explore his "options." He said that he wants the relationship with me but he wants more. He wants his cake and eat it too. He even used those words.

I have two sons and I don't want to hurt them. Their lives would change so much. My oldest would probably have to leave school and go to a new one because I can't afford the tuition for him. (Oldest son pays tuition, but youngest does not because he is blood relative of my husband who is a friend of the owner of the school.) So the brothers would be separated in that way. Obviously my oldest son would live with me, but more likely, his dad would fight for custody and would likely win. My husband would go for custody of my youngest son and possibly win. I would barely be able to afford an apartment of my own and would certainly nor be able to afford the house we are in now. I probably can't get an apartment anyway because I am on disability and don't have a job.

I am trapped.

[BlueInanna]

Sounded good that he was going to therapy with you, but sheesh...
This would be a deal breaker for me. Now.. after children and marriage together... now he doesn't like the way you kiss? It really is a low blow, and nonsense.

What did the therapist have to say for advice about all this? I think he's trying to hurt you and that it sounds passive aggressive and I don't like it. So sorry you're going through this.

[BNLsMOM]

Therapist didn't have a whole lot to say other than my husband's honesty is a good first step toward repairing things. I did appreciate his honesty too. Over the last couple of years, this stuff was in my mind anyway, so my husband only confirmed what I was thinking.

I do have to process this and see if it is a deal breaker for me. I need to be loved by my partner, and he says he loves me. I just don't know if I really believe it. I think maybe he loves me as the person who carried and gave birth to his child, which is a special bond, but I don't think he loves me romantically and I don't know if I can live with that. Thank goodness I am in the day program and will have daily check ins with a therapist. I might also try to get in to see my regular T sometime over the course of the week.

What a mess.

[hamster-bamster]

What makes you believe that he would claim custody of the younger son in the event of divorce? Has he said anything?

[BNLsMOM]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

What makes you believe that he would claim custody of the younger son in the event of divorce? Has he said anything?

Yes, once when things were really bad and the conversation turned toward separation and divorce, he said that he would fight like hell to have custody of him because of my bipolar.

[BNLsMOM]

And maybe my sons would be better off with their stable dads.

[hamster-bamster]

That is tough - you are basically looking at going from a family of four to living completely solo, like me.

[BNLsMOM]

What's better? Living with all this doubt and with a partner who doesn't really want me, or losing my kids and living alone?

I feel sick. Husband is working tonight so I can't go anywhere.

Why didn't he tell me this years ago before we got into having kids and having a house? This whole marriage has been a mistake. My first marriage was better than this and I was able to end it when I felt I wasn't getting what I needed.

I am in a blind panic. I can't do anything about this right now, but the only thing that will calm me down is finding a solution. How I wish I could take benzos. I would pop a few right now. I am taking an extra trazodone tonight so that I stay asleep all night.

[bluemountains]

Like HB, I am curious as to why you would expect your husband to go for custody of your son. Are you feeling that this would be not be shared custody?

I don't mean to jump ahead. All may work out for you and your husband. I just want to point out that you are not trapped. I agree with others that your husband appears to be bullying you. You don't deserve this, and you don't have to put up with it. The things you mentioned, schools and living arrangements, can be dealt with. I know you don't want to hurt either of your children, but this isn't your doing if the marriage situation changes.

And the kissing comment, unbelievable. He sounds so selfish. He has not been intimate with you because of kissing? I think he has some deep-seeded issues that have nothing to do you.

Stay strong, Bnlsmom. As you work it out, make sure you keep your health a top priority.

Bluemountains

[BNLsMOM]

I just talked to my T on the phone. It wasn't a help at all.

I would have shared custody probably, but I am thinking that my son would live with him most of the time. He is the one with a job and the one who doesn't have MI and hasn't been in the hospital umpteen times.

This whole thing sucks. I am feeling so hurt and so hopeless.

[hamster-bamster]

I have been thinking about you.

On the positive side, he has some hopes for the relationship. It is obscene to make a comment about kissing 4 years rather than 4 days into the relationship, but, again on the positive side, he would have said anything at all had he been altogether not interested. He says he wants to make it work but he also has other leanings and interests. Maybe negotiate some sort of arrangement with him now that he is in a relatively good mood, going to therapy, sharing and hoping and all that. Get him to commit to shared custody if the separation ever happens. Sort of like a prenuptial, but negotiated in the course of the marriage - is that possible? Enforceable? I do not know, but you if it is, it would give you some much needed peace of mind.

[hamster-bamster]

And by the way, what would he say if you were to offer a mutually open relationship - he is free to pursue other interests but so are you?

[Victoria'smom]

It sounds like he wants you as a "back-up girl", or at best a best friend. I would find out if you do get divorced if your pdoc & therapist say that your stable enough for your children. I do not know what your house is like but could you make it a duplex? Giving the kids closeness to both of you. Get divorce or separated before it become non-amicable. Please continue to reach out and talk to us.

[~Christina]

Wow ! I read your post and I was livid but also shed some tears. I think your husband is an *** and horrible to you. How dare him make the " kissing" remark yet expect you to somehow be ok and allow him to pursue others.

I personally could not tolerate that nonsense. no way no how, But that is my opinion and I am not in your shoes .

As far as financially taking care of yourself and kids.. Talk with your T or pdoc they can point you in the right direction as far has helping you get housing that you afford IF you decide you need to leave.

My heart goes out to you, I'm so sorry you have pretty much been slapped in the face with hurtful ridiculous nonsense. I think HE has alot of issues he should work on .

He should Man up and be responsible.

Please be good to yourself. Remember you are not trapped, there is always a solution to be found.

[likewater]

yeah, honesty is a good thing. If your husband is a selfish jerk, you should know it. I don't have much respect for the man. He doesn't understand what marriage is. You don't get to have your cake and eat it too. Women aren't cake. They are people , with feelings. Sheeesh. Also, a good lawyer could help you get alimony and with custody. You aren't trapped. He would just like you to feel that way.

[hamster-bamster]

I seriously doubt that if you tell him that sure, you understand, but you also want to feel loved and wanted and you want frequent, romantic, warm sex and feel you are entitled to it, that he will take you up on that and propose a mutually open relationship.

[BNLsMOM]

I wouldn't want an open relationship even though humans and primates are naturally wired that way. I would feel guilty about being with another person, and I would constantly wonder why I am not good enough for my husband. Then again, maybe I would get used to that and instead of having it as an unspoken tension between us two, we could focus on raising the kids.

I just don't know if I could live that way. I would almost rather be alone.

I would rather be in a committed, loving relationship. Call me a product of society.

Originally Posted by BNLsMOM

I wouldn't want an open relationship even though humans and primates are naturally wired that way. I would feel guilty about being with another person, and I would constantly wonder why I am not good enough for my husband. Then again, maybe I would get used to that and instead of having it as an unspoken tension between us two, we could focus on raising the kids.

I just don't know if I could live that way. I would almost rather be alone.

I would rather be in a committed, loving relationship. Call me a product of society.

I am with you on this. I am a believer in monogamy in relationships and would be more able to be alone than to tolerate my spouse seeing other people, and seeing other people while I'm in a committed relationship completely goes against my standards of morality. I don't think that makes you a product of society; it just makes you someone who has a set of morals and standards that you are unwilling to compromise.

[hamster-bamster]

My point was not that you should start an open relationship. My point was that if he starts feeling threatened that you will be seeing other people AS WELL, he will go back to the idea of a monogamous marriage; he will stop wanting to have his cake and eat it too.

[BNLsMOM]

He told me that it is hard to live with a person "like that" meaning, a person with bipolar. I asked him if he could live with a person with cancer who is on chemo that changes the person's personality and he said yes. Bipolar hasn't changed who I am. I have always had bipolar (well, at least since late adolescence and that is also when the personality goes through a lot of shaping). He knows me as a person who has bipolar. Then he got all mad and said, "fine, I'll pack my stuff and go." I almost said that he should go ahead, but I said, "I am not asking you to."

I am so confused.