Desperate times...

... Call for desperate measures.

This may sound effed up. I really just dont care. I am on day two with no drinking and no eating. I am checking to see if I have any survival instincts at all. It should kick in. If not, then I know I am beyond repair. I dont want to go through this anymore. Im so done riding out every down. I need a reason. Something besides guilt to keep me going through the motions. Everyones got a survival instinct right. How bad do I wanna live is the question. Maybe if this works I will force myself to believe that I want to live. And if I don't. Well maybe my 10 year wish will have been granted. I just wanna know. I wanna feel some will to go on. Ive been surviving on guilt. "I couldnt put my family through that." <--- Thats whats been getting me through. Day to day everyday. Call me selfish, but that sucks. Its the only thing holding me back. I want a reason. I need a reason. Something inside that I can build on. Im so miserable all the time. Even in the ups I am just waiting for the next down. This stupid roller coaster from hell that I cant get off of. Im tired. Tired of trying. I need to know if there is any part of me, some subconscious part of me that wants to go on. Any sort of drive. I feel nothing. I feel empty. Just so tired.

it sounds like things are really difficult for you right now. i remember living life that way for many years, but something kept me going. was it survival instinct? must have been. after finding the right meds, life is good now. i have everything i want and need. it is unbelievable the difference. had i known, i would have given up my resistance to meds and got on them sooner. are you on meds? do you have a t? sounds like you could really use some support right now. can you ask someone for help? is there anybody you trust? there is light at the end of the tunnel. i know. ive been there. you can find it too.

Sorry for feeling this way... Dont give up on yourself!! You can survive this! Just hang in there!

If you're not seeing a therapist, please get in touch with one right away.
And please tell the therapist what's happening so that you might be prescribed the
right medications to bring you back from the "pit" that seems to have hold of you.

You deserve to have a healthy and happy life; I hope so that you will find it with
the right psychiatrist and the best medications available to subdue the depression.

Its so awful going through the downs. The magnitude can rock you to the core and just leave apathy, emptiness, and/or relentless sorrow festering about. I just went through my worst period and I know what you mean about almost just wanting to test IF there is a will to survive. Right now you may be so far down that you need some help coming back up. can you call your therapist, or a trusted friend? I am sorry you are feeling this way.

Hang in there! This too shall pass!

This sounds dumb. But I have no one to call. I have been trying for two days to talk to my best friend. I cant do it. I feel guilty every time I talk. Every word i think of sounds like self pity. I have written so many txt mssgs only to delete them. Everything is fine. I've got a great job, a new house. A family that I know loves me. THAT is the guilt. THAT is what has kept me going. That is why I cant just... I cant do this anymore. I have nothing left. No energy to face tomorrow. I have started thinking about what my week was supposed to be. I don't plan on making it to my ball game, or my soccer game. Or that stupid eye appt. I wish I could tell my best friend this. I do. But how can I keep repeating the same problems to her. Over and over again. Im sure she is sick of hearing about it. Im sure you guys dont wanna hear it either. No one does. Its pitiful. And its hopeless. I have no will. No desire to change. And thats the kicker. No one can change me but me. And I just dont care enough to, so whats the point. Each down I feel a little emptier. Every down I question my life. This down I am testing it. Taking one step closer to the edge. How many more downs do I have to go through before I jump. I want to just jump.

Awww Hopeless - I don't think you're hopeless. Please eat something or at least drink water. If you're really wanting to try having yourself a fast... there's safe ways to try that. If you're in North America try getting in contact with a local First Nations group, they may have some rituals that you could possibly take part in.

Personally, I set myself up a goal to help get myself through things, that doesnt involve my family. I decided that while I think that life isn't worth living.... I haven't been everywhere to experience enough to fully make the decision. So, I decided that I will have to keep going until I've seen as much of the world as possible. Then, and only then, will I be able to TRULY decide if life is worth it or not. And then it's something I'm doing FOR ME and not for others. I'm not living for other people - I am living for myself and to satisfy my own curiousity.

*hugs*

I caved... talked to my best friend. She was pissed at me. For good reason. I understand. Just wish I didnt feel so ****** all the time. I promised her a long time ago that I would never act on my thoughts. That they were just thoughts. Man the guilt is a bit overwhelming right now. But its what keeps me going. I cant believe I made her so upset. Its one of those WTF was I thinking moments. I am in a bad spot. I know that. Nothing will change how I look at life. But its not fair to ruin it for anyone else. Back to going through the motions for now. I feel really guilty. I am guilty. Guilty of ruining someone elses day.

I am so glad you managed to talk to someone. I hope she is a good friend and will look out for you.
Please try at least to drink something. It looks hard now, but once this episode passes, you'll look back and realize that it was ok and that you did conquer it. Please keep chatting to us

hopeless...you know the guilt is part of the depression. what if you set a goal of just finding your way out of the depression before you judge yourself, your actions, your worth. Just suspend those things until the dark clouds have cleared. Ride it out, then process later? (ps. I will have to look back at this advice next time I am in the pit of hell and *TRY* to follow it). Just know that the extreme guilt you feel, the worthlessness, the "i shouldn't feel guilty because i have so much and everything should be fine" feelings are ones that I have experienced too. you have good qualities, you just cant see them right now. just ride out the storm. ((hugs)).

She might have gotten upset and pissed off... but at least it's a sign that she cares about you, right?

Sometimes that's all that I need. A reminder that there actually IS someone out there who cares. Might not stop feeling like crap, but it might give me a bit more motivation to keep fighting the stupid thoughts.

I am glad that you called her. *hugs*

Thanks for all the advice. Never really tried to deal with it before. Just used to "self harm" through the downs. Been on here chronically reading posts. Anything to not feel so alone. I know she cares. She is a really amazing person. She makes me want to change, to be a better "happier" person. She cant handle me tho. The things that go through my head are too much for her to understand. It scares her. I cant talk to anyone about it. People get freaked out. She wants to be there for me. Im just really messed up. Still feeling the heavy down. Went to work today more as a distraction method. Was thinkin about calling in sick again. But I really dont wanna give myself the opportunity to sit here alone and think. But now that the day is done Im feeling the down a bunch. I am still feeling really sh**y about upsetting my friend last night. She wants me to try harder. She says something has got to change. I know that, but I dunno how I can promise that. I cant make any more promises I know I cant keep. I slipped up bad this past few days. I have no energy to do anything. Tired and ashamed.

So my family that never gets along had a perfect day without me yesterday, my friend that I confided in doesnt want to talk to me right now. And really told me that if I think I cant to it alone then I should go to a counsellor. That sound like a goodbye to me. This hurts sooo much right now. Thought I was just starting to think clearly. I feel like my heart just got put in a vice. Why do I keep trying when I feel soooo bad all the time. God I dont wanna do this anymore. This hurts soo much.

Families stink.

It sounds like your friend wants the best for you: by saying that she thinks you should see a councellor is her way of saying that she doesn't know what to do TO help you - she's not qualified to be your only source of support, and she cares about you. It doesn't sound at all like she's saying goodbye - she's saying that she wants to help you, but she's also saying that she needs help too. Can you ask her to sit with you while you call to make an appointment?

I had friends help me get through my appointments. I sat in the room with one of my friends when I called to make one of my appointments; I had another friend take me out for dinner before the appointment, another picked me up afterwards and got a drink with me, and I had another friend actually make some of hte phone calls for me (she's worked for mental health here) to get something sorted out for me that I was confused about.. and then gave me the number I was supposed to call and told me precisely who to ask.

Then I had another friend drop me off at the psychiatrist appointment, and she picked me up after it too.

I needed them for that, and that's the sort of support that friends CAN provide us. They can't be our councellors, and sometimes we put a huge burden on others - she is probably so worried about you and worried that she's going to fail you. Ask her if she'll go to an appointment with you and wait in the waiting room until you're out. Or if she could pick you up or drop you off or whatnot for it. Just see and talk with her about what support SHE feels she can give you.

I am up for air from the hole I am in right now. I am sorta numb. You are absolutely right with your advice. I know that. And I knew that before I started telling her anything. We have been friends for 6 years. As I am 24 years old, thats 1/4 of my life. I have been dealing with bipolar or w/e this is since I was 14. She didnt know how messed up I was until a few months ago. Its the first time I was ever really honest. 6 years I put a face on, and made excuses when I couldn't. She is the only person since a teacher and a guidance counsellor in high school that I have told about any of this. (excluding my parents that know that its there, but have no idea how bad it gets) I knew, I really knew that I am too ****ed in the head to tell anyone what really goes on. This is my burden to bear and I know that. I am who I am, and I have learned to ride it out, and deal with this on my own. A down just hit me this one night, and I broke down and told her about it. She wanted to help. I should have known better, right then and there. I should have known to keep my mouth shut. My biggest regret in life is telling her. I just ruined the only real friendship I have ever had. And yeah, maybe that wasnt a good bye, only time will tell. But I know that I cant take back the things that I have said. And I know that our friendship will never ever be the same. This isnt over emotional me talking. I feel clear headed. Just numb.

I have been there. I really understand. Call your Dr. & I know that will be very hard the way you feel. It can get better. I tell my son all the time - it will get better. You MUST find something to look forward to & I know how hard that is. I used to be anorexic - long boring story, but I got better. You will find the right medication, you just have to make the call. Please tell someone. Don't give up. Guilt is terrible, but you have to know you are a good person & all your children want is you. Please think about that. Call someone! I am praying for you. CARE. It will get better. No drinking is good.

Just a thought for you: You're right that your friendship will never be the same. Have you considered that it could possibly end up a stronger friendship?

True, you can't take back what you said to your friend... but when you're calmed down enough (as in, after you've spoken to a doc and are actually back to your normal) you can always re-explain it and the mental state that you were in - and you explain how it is and isn't similar to other states that you're in sometimes.

Keep re-reading to yourself the places in this thread where you've said that she wants to help. That's the key thing in all your messages: your friend wants to help. This shows that she cares! She isn't abandoning you, but she is feeling overwhelmed. You're feeling overwhelmed by opening up to her too! It's a really scary thing to process, but you've had a lot more time to process it than she has - and unless she knows other people who go through similar... then she has a LOOOOOT to process and probably feels terrified that she's going to fail you as a friend.

Do you think you could find a website that has support for the friends/family of people with mental illness? If you find one that you like... you could try giving her the link to look at. It might help her, and it would be showing her that you're aware that it's a hard thing to process for her - because she needs time and understanding just like you do!

I hope some of what I say helps give you ideas at least... I'm glad to hear that you're sounding a lot more calm!