[Meveret]

I always feel like I have to hurry up and wait while nothing improves. Every day I wake up miserable, sobbing, the works. Being unable to hold a job or function is bad enough. I'm bored and feel useless and pathetic. And having only one friend left out of my once large support group makes it so much worse. They are all out there, able to get over things, push through and do things and actually go to class or go to work.

Then there's me. I have to sit here and wait. Wait for meds to work, then wait as I'm taken off them because they did not help, then wait to see if yet another new med will do anything. I wait weeks and months to see therapists and doctors or to even talk to someone to help me with insurance. I wait to see if I can be stable enough to do real things instead of just sob and when I fall back into a down I have to wait more. Even when I have a good week I have to wait because I know just the next day I will be a mess again and I have to wait for it to pass.

This is all I have done now for years. Just wait and see what happens while I'm passed around to different doctors and groups and meds. Is anyone else feeling this?

I can't even plan things or go out and distract myself. Like oh Let's plan a day of shopping or visit museums or go to a con. Nope. My up and downs are so violent and random that any plans I have will be ruined and I will be out of money with nothing to show for it. I sadly learned this the hard way many times.

It's like you're stuck in some terrible limbo. When other people are going through a bad time, like say their sig other broke up with them and their car broke. That sucks. But they can easily just focus on other things. They have their job or their classes, they can go out and volunteer or hang with friends. I can't do any of that. I just sit and wait and suffer the entire time for months.

But I have none of that. I have ONE friend left because my mood swings have caused all the rest to either treat me badly or cut off contact completely. This person literally lives on the other side of the planet. I can't just go visit.

TL;DR Version: My mental issues prevent me from doing near anything. I just have to sit and wait for treatment to kick in and after years of this I'm hopeless, bored and extremely lonely and do not see this changing in the future.

[gayleggg]

I know waiting it out is tough. Waiting to find the right med is not easy. Going through it myself. As you read through the forums, I think you will find you are not alone. There are many that are having the same issues and can support you through this. Hope you find the help and support you are looking for.
Gayle

[Dylanzmama]

I hate the way people portray bp on tv/movies because they never include the waiting game! It's just like you get a dx, go on meds, then you're back to normal. It gives people unrealistic expectations...for us and those around us.
Hang in there!

[Patsy Cline]

Yes! The waiting is terrible. Just like you describe. I have been able to enjoy some "normal" time but even then, your WAITING until you next episode. I try to focus on just today. What can I do today? How are things going today? What am I looking forward to today? How terrible is today and how can ease it today? If I start thinking about tomorrow and next week and "when am I going to get better(or worse)" my anxiety multiplies by 1,000 and things get worse.

I hope you feel better soon, but more importantly, I hope that you have at least ONE happy thought today, even if just for a moment.

[Meveret]

When "hang in there" is all I hear, it disheartens me. I wish there was something I could do to get better other than just cry day after day.

Today was not good, well this week too. And last week. I'm very lonely and afraid to make new friends or even leave the house because I cry and am so jealous of others. They are able to do things and be fine. They get to function and be happy. And then they get to belittle my illness and get frustrated at me when I don't get better, saying I'm just doing it to myself.

The waiting is never ending. I don't know what to do. "Hang in there" is the only thing people tell me. Last year, the year before, and the year before that. And nothing changes, I just get worse.

[A Red Panda]

Edited: Oh wow! I thought I was posting in the "bipolar daily check-in" but posted that in here instead!! Sorry!!

To the OP: The waiting game DOES suck.

What do you do for self-care though? What sort of coping skills have you been learning? It's hard, but you can teach yourself different things and find ways to help manage and control your symptoms on your own, without anyone else's help. Even if something seems like it SHOULD be simple, it can be a challenge for us and you can work towards managing it (ie.. taking a shower. When I'm in an up I just don't want to spend the time on it, and when I'm really depressed I just can't get motivated. So... I shower every other day. Rain or shine, I force my sorry little butt in there. And I rarely miss or forget - and if i do, I'm one day off.)

It just requires picking out what sort of self-management you think will be the best to achieve.. and then working towards it.. and not giving up even if you don't succeed all the time.

[Meveret]

I have many things I do for self care and coping. Gaming, reading, exercise, cleaning, ect.

They seem to work on but NOTHING helps even a bit when I'm really depressed. Any skill or coping tech I have learned does absolutely zero and many make it worse because I feel guilty or worthless.

And every day for the past few years I have felt extremely depressed. I get to wake up every day knowing I will break down sobbing for hours. Nothing stops it.

[A Red Panda]

Even when it doesn't seem to help, I hope that you keep up with the good self-care anyway.

I find that if I quit with the good management of myself, it'll get worse. So it might not make me feel BETTER when I'm in the worst of things.. but it does help keep it from being worse, and when I do find my way out of the depression I'll have a lot less to salvage if I've kept up with good habits.

[Meveret]

I try to do that too.

But I have had no hope for so long, nothing has a point. Plus even if I shower and exercise I still am covered in severe acne and I'm fat from my meds. I barely eat now but I still gain weight. Yay.

[A Red Panda]

It does have a point.

You are aware of the fact that if you don't eat enough (or properly) your body will pretty much go into starvation mode right? Your body will store everything it eats and only use the BARE minimum because your body won't know when it's going ot get food again. So even when not eating, you'll gain weight because your body will slow right down.

And if you shower, you at least can spend each day knowing that you're being clean. The acne will either pass with time, or you could see a dermatologist if you can afford it?

I'm sorry that none of the meds are working yet. Just keep doing good self-care (and GOOD self-care, not just the bare minimum... even though even doing the bare minimum can be really hard to do.)

[Meveret]

15 years ago, I was told the acne will pass in time. Lol.

And I eat 2 small meals a day. Just about 1000 calories per day. That's not starving. I also try to bike 5-10 miles a day.

Sometimes I cry the entire time which makes people stare at me.

Sorry if I sound rude when responding to people's advice. This is some helpful advice and good for other people. But none of it has done anything for me. So I see a lot of people's advice now as just lies or jokes.

[A Red Panda]

Originally Posted by Meveret

And I eat 2 small meals a day. Just about 1000 calories per day. That's not starving. I also try to bike 5-10 miles a day.

That is in no way healthy Meveret. I don't know if you're male or female or how old you are, but that is by far way too low.

How Many Calories Should I Eat?

This site has something on it which will tell you how many calories your body will burn a day if you do zero activity.

I'm female, age 29, about 150 lbs and I am 5'3.5". Guess what? I need almost 1500 calories per day if I wanted to maintain my weight. If I was dieting, a healthier weight loss regime would be 1200. 1000 per day is MUCH too low, especially for biking that much per day.

[Meveret]

I eat this way to cope. From another post I made:

"Starving myself made me lose weight and make me feel better about myself. It also gave me a new, controllable pain that was not related to depression that distracted me. No med has came close to this: they make me gain weight and do little to help my depressive phases."

I have lost some weight but now I'm gaining again. It's not healthy. I know. But it helps me cope with my depression more than any of the dozens of meds I've been convinced to take.

No one gives me any replacements for my coping skills. They just say "This is bad, Stop now."

I am depressed and sobbing near every moment I am awake. I have little to no control over panic attacks and down times. I suffer and hate being alive. I cannot just magically be happy or say to myself to 'hold on'. It's far past that point and I have been taking measures to improve my mood. And every single one has been labeled as bad or unhealthy. But no alternatives are given.

I understand your concerns. But what you are saying is what I always hear when I talk to someone about my issues: "No. You are wrong."

[A Red Panda]

Do you go see a therapist?

[Meveret]

I have been receiving treatment for my issues for over 20 years.
Social workers, doctors, therapists, support groups, the works.

And ever year I get worse and worse. I have been told to "keep trying" and "hold on" and "I believe in you" for so long I do not see merit in them any more. They hurt when people say them.

Everyone tells me I need to keep at it and try more treatments and meds. There are new ones, better ones, it's always changing! Keep at it! Every time I do it never works or I am abused by the facility. I cannot even count the number I've times I was told that I am the cause of my illness because I don't want to be well hard enough.

So I've came up with personal coping techs. I used to drink all the time which allowed me to get alot of work done and be happy. But I stopped that because drinking is bad.

Every single one of my coping techs have been slammed as bad and I am told to stop, cold turkey, by professionals. These include the eating, forcing myself not to sleep (I'm stable when really sleepy) and refusing to go into a mental ward because I've been abused horribly in several.

It is very hard for me to see the light. In fact, I have not for over a year. The only reason I am still here is because people tell me it gets better. It's been decades with no results, only a steady decline as med side effects and abuse break me more.

But ok. I guess I will eat more.

[A Red Panda]

Well.... I understand how the unhealthy coping mechs are attractive - they're something we tangibly have control over and can see results from. Drinking lets you forget or loosen up and have fun (that's how it works for me) but overall it's horrible for you. Starving yourself both gives the satisfaction of physical pain, not being visible to others, and short-term weight loss. In the long run it's terribly unhealthy and will backfire.

Why not focus on "Be the healthiest I can physically be" as your coping mech? Where you eat a normal amount (3-4 meals a day, where you intake about 1500 calories throughout that) and eat healthy foods (why not challenge yourself to go vegan, or gluten-free or something?). And to stay in bed for about 8 hours doing your best to sleep normally.

Then when those are all done, start working on other things to maintain health. Like yoga or meditation, or taking some sort of classes/activity that might seem interesting to you (or something that WOULD have been interesting to you back in the day as I'm sure you've lost sight of those in the depression, right?).

And then living that way. At least after you've been living like that for a few years, you could actually go in and tell your T and pdoc "TOLD YOU!". Because right now... of course they're going to tell you to stop! What you are doing is hurting yourself, and over the long run it will only be contributing to making your depression worse and making it stay around for even longer.

It's rather unfortunate that there really ISN'T a cure for us. The most we can do is keep trying meds until we find the best combination to help stabilize, and to do our best to live healthy and stable lives.

What sort of coping mechs have you been using to try and help with your negative thoughts? That's what my T is currently working on with me. I've no idea how he's going to actually be successful in this, but I'm giving it my best anyway.

[Meveret]

Originally Posted by A Red Panda

Why not focus on "Be the healthiest I can physically be" as your coping mech?

You have no idea how much I wish I could. Sadly, my downs leave me with no energy or motivation. Nothing has a point, from eating to getting out of bed. It's near impossible to due to bare minimum, while being healthy requires a lot of discipline, effort and hope. I have none of that and have not for so long I forgot what they feel like.

I have several times tried to be healthy in the past. Many times, for a month or more, I ate better and worked out and went for walks in the park. I mean everyone says how these things help and can give you energy and endorphins and improve all aspects of your health over all.

I was hopeful and kept at it, only to slowly realize: All of it did very little if anything to help. If I was on a long down cycle, the activities made me sore and sickly and never improved my mood. Some times I've even tried desperately to keep at them only to get worse and terrified.

It was really hard for me to realize that they did not work. I have even told therapists about this but they just same the same thing. "Keep trying, it will get better."

It's far past that point now. It's a miracle I even shower once a day. Keep in mind I have NO support to help me any more. I have no one to say they know it is hard but they want to go with me and encourage me. I have not had a friend who lived with in 600 miles of me for over 10 years. And my family says this is my fault because "no one wants to be around someone who is sad all the time."

Basically, everywhere I turn I am wrong, useless and unable to act because my illness cripples me so badly. And even when I get a small crack of happiness, it lasts a few hours AT BEST and I'm back to the sobbing and fear and pain.

Yoga would be great, group walks would be amazing. Writing workshops, movie nights, video game tournaments! Oh wow how I WISH. It's rather pathetic how many times I have tried all these only to be left curled in a corner sobbing while more friends leave me. My uncontrollable and frequent breakdowns have ruined so many plans, so many attempts at doing something I enjoy that now the mere thought of trying causes even more breakdowns.

I am really happy and proud of people with mental illnesses who have found the correct meds and learned to cope and over come their problems. That is freaking AMAZING. I am so jealous. I wish just for one moment of my worthless life I could even COMPREHEND that I could do any of that.

[Meveret]

Once again, I am sorry if I come off as rude or mean. I have been in the dark so long I'm full of anger and frustration as people tell me the same things over and over.

Please do not personalize my pain as yours. I have lost many a good friend because of this.

[Phoenix_1]

Originally Posted by Meveret

15 years ago, I was told the acne will pass in time. Lol.

And I eat 2 small meals a day. Just about 1000 calories per day. That's not starving. I also try to bike 5-10 miles a day.

1000 calories a day is starving. I've been trying to lose the 30 pounds I gained on lithium, eating only 1200 calories a day, and the pounds are just not coming off. My daughter, who has OCD and does meticulous research, successfully lost 40 pounds last year by exercising 1/2 hour a day on her treadmill and eating 1500 calories a day. She said that 1200 calories a day is starvation mode. She told me that your body goes into starvation caveman mode and holds onto every calorie as if there was no more food ever. Try eating a little more than you have been.
Riding a bike is great exercise, but on 1000 calories a day, you may have been overdoing the exercise.
I've also been doing some research for a diabetic friend and I found that a diet with a low glycemic index will not only help stabilize your blood sugar but will help you lose weight at the same time. Instead of quick oats, eat steel cut (long cooking) oatmeal. Instead of a banana, eat an apple, and so on. Every little bit helps. I lost 3 pounds this month on my daughter's plan.
Another recommendation from the Canadian Diabetes Association is to stagger your meals throughout the day. Instead of two meals, eat the same number of calories in 3 meals and two snacks. When you eat 5 times a day, you don't get as hungry and you don't get as many food cravings.

Hi Meveret

Something occurred to me as I was reading your posts.
You mentioned having severe acne. I can definitely relate to that. Mine used to be so bad I went on a course of antibiotics like three times in a year. It would improve for a little bit and then just get worse again. And I was trying everything I coiuld think of to help it improve. But it was very bad.
Also, that you are overweight. This has always been a problem for me, since... I'm not sure there's a since...

So, I started figuring some things about my diet, because it got to the point where I just felt generally "meh", physically. Occasinally I would feel much worse, on very rare occasions it was like the planets aligned and I felt ok.

I discovered I am at least pretty intolerant to gluten. The stool test I did [this was a WHILE ago, and they didn't do a blood test] came back inconclusive for straight up celiac.

Buit there was a clear correlation- my skin cleared up so much. It's to the point where sometimes people mention that it's actually nice [which still kind of shocks me], I actually lost a HUGE amount of weight that year when i adopted the GF diet and my body felt kind of happy. I was sleeping better and after a short time I didn't really crave junk. my mood did improve a bit as well.

I guess i wrote this huge long obnoxious post just as... I mean it's not always going to be a med change that makes the difference?
And if you are having so much physical stuff, maybe you could explore what is going on with that at an appointment with your GP/PCP?

I'm not trying to diagnose you, but perhaps there is something going on that you've missed?

Anyway, sorry things are so frustrating.

[Victoria'smom]

You may want to look into long term (9+ months) Intensive Outpatient. Please have your doctor refer you to a dermatologist. Look into what's required to have a home health aid to help you with basic needs. Usually Home health care is for physical things but you will qualify if you need similar help.

Please If you can stop starving yourself do it. I know you don't care but it reeks havoc on your body. If you can prevent yourself from going down that road please run the other way.

I'm sorry it's been so long you need a lot more support then you are getting now.

[Meveret]

I'm in the process of getting a case worker. This is very slow and I doubt it will help.

I've been to some OP programs. Full of hope, I went and took notes and tried to talk to people. Am I out of line to leave when social works pull me aside to say that the reason I am like this is because I have not accepted Jesus? Am I wrong to not want to go any more after I am allowed to be interrupted over and over by more aggressive people in the group, ignored in the end since I'm afraid I will just be yelled at again from sobbing too much?

I mean all these things sound nice. Sadly they suck when I tried them. It's disgusting how I was told to consider these places 'help'. It was all group based with me left shaking in the corner and shunned.

And look at this thread... most people focus right on my eating issues and nothing else. Like it will solve everything if I magically am able to see a point to eating more.

I really wish I could find friends and support that didn't just ignore me and make me feel guilty for something I am unable to do because of the state I am in.

*hugs* to you. It sucks you have to go through this.

You mentioned acne, and I know you have had some advice in this thread but I thought I would share my experience. I have had terrible acne, tried all sorts of facewashes, moisturisers, even a therapy where they poked needles in my face and tried to fry the pores! Eventually the dermatologist said I had to go on Roaccutane, which is a very strong, very dangerous drug. I was extremely worried about going on that drug so I turned to a forum. I got all sorts of suggestions and tried most of them but the one thing that worked? Plain soap and rosehip oil.

I stopped using all those chemicals on my face, washed with plain soap then moisturised with rosehip oil. My skin was oily for the first week then it leveled out and has been getting better and better ever since. The rosehip oil is also helping clear up scars. At $24 a bottle that lasts you around 3 months its a cost effective treatment. Thought I would share as it has helped my self confidence so much to have clear skin.

[Phoenix_1]

Originally Posted by Meveret

I'm in the process of getting a case worker. This is very slow and I doubt it will help.

I've been to some OP programs. Full of hope, I went and took notes and tried to talk to people. Am I out of line to leave when social works pull me aside to say that the reason I am like this is because I have not accepted Jesus? Am I wrong to not want to go any more after I am allowed to be interrupted over and over by more aggressive people in the group, ignored in the end since I'm afraid I will just be yelled at again from sobbing too much?

I mean all these things sound nice. Sadly they suck when I tried them. It's disgusting how I was told to consider these places 'help'. It was all group based with me left shaking in the corner and shunned.

BIG HUGS to you. I am so sorry your experience with group therapy was so bad. My experiences were very good. There are all kinds of groups out there, and unfortunately some are not very good. The person who make that religious comment to you has no business running a group, unless the group is put on by a church.

[Meveret]

Originally Posted by Supanova

I got all sorts of suggestions and tried most of them but the one thing that worked? Plain soap and rosehip oil.

Yes, I have also been through a pile of products. Many acne designed ones (like face washes and such) seem to just make my skin raw while the zits continue to form. Right now I am using just soap. One thing I want to try is the lemon juice/honey thing I have heard works. Rosehip oil I have not heard but it sounds good. The soap right now doesn't do much but make me dry.