How can you make a marriage work with one being bipolar?

My spouse has read and continues to read books on bipolar to help deal with me when Im not myself so he can learn what triggers people with bipolar etc. But the thing is I have been so depressed lately I really don't give a crap about much of anything. I know I love him but I am also not nice at all sometimes and huge fights break out. I am just confused and wondering if the majority of people end up losing their marriage due to the fact of being bipolar? Any thoughts? I know it not fair to be rude or mean to someone just because you have mental issues but I just cant seem to help the outburst Ive been having PS I do see my doc on Friday should I request maybe a med change? Im on 20 pills a day. Maybe something just isn't working like its suppose to. I am just lost.

Hi, I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through. I am actually going through the same thing. I am Bipolar II w/mixed episodes. Diagnosed a few months ago. Ever since the diagnosis, our fights are getting worse, instead of feeling support from my husband- I feel like he uses my being "Bipolar" as a cause to EVERY fight, & or diagreement. At least your husband cares enough about you to do research, that really says a lot. It means he is trying to give you the support you need. Honestly I dont know if marriages can work for us Bipolar spouses. I have a terrible suspision that my husband just doesnt love me as much since learning of my diagnosis. I think he's going to use my being Bipolar as a reason to end our relationship... I feel so scared, alone, angry, & like u... utterly depressed.....

Yes Marriages can last . Your spouse can only educate themselves so much .. no one can really understand Bipolar unless they have it. If you know your having problems you need to take as many steps as you can to handle it. If your feeling angry or snappy go for a walk or a run anything to burn off some of the emotional issues your dealing with. When your depressed find anything to smile about , sometimes just get outside and taking a walk can lift your spirits and if nothing else some fresh air and sunshine never hurts .

Everyone is responsible for there actions and well being regardless of Bipolar or not.

What honestly has me confused is why in the world your on 20 pill a day That is what I would discuss when you see your doctor... That amount seems excessive ! Sometimes less is more.

Good luck I hope you find some relief !

I couldn't be married to someone like me. I'd kill him! There should be at least ONE sane partner to make a long and successful marriage IMHO. I know there are some couples who beat the odds (MM and her husband come to mind), but it's not bloody likely.

My husband and I just celebrated our 33rd wedding anniversary, and there's no way we'd have made it this far if he were bipolar too. I'm too high-maintenance and too undependable to hold up more than my half of the relationship......sometimes I don't even hold up my own end, though it's gotten a LOT better in the past year and I've done more since he got sick.

My wife(undiagnosed mood problems) and I(the bipolar one)have been a couple for 20 years, married 18. It hasn't been easy; like a never ending war. But this year, when I told her I'd had it with her, she did something she steadfastly refused; she went into therapy. My illness is taking its toll, physically as well as mentally but I think she finally 'gets' it how sick I am. When I say I'm fighting for my life, it's not hyperbole. I'm treatment resistant but I keep researching and giving what I find to my pdoc and primary. BipolaRNurse expresses it quite well.

Yes, a marriage can work with one person bipolar. And it sounds like you have a good shot. A husband who reads up on the disorder, so he can understand it better is more than most of us even hope for. Yes, you have to be responsible for your actions if you are flying off the handle for no(or small) reason. I kept doing that when I was in a mixed episode. Every day when I got home; I got mad as soon as I walked through the door. Something always set me off. I talked to me doctor and he changed my meds which helped a lot. I do still kind of have that problem but it is easier to manage. I would definitly talk to my doctor about it.

Couples therapy, also, helps. Good luck to both of you.

You did mention 'roller coaster' moods on another thread --if this is the case, maybe something isn't right with the medications. But therapy can also help with this, especially if some of these moods of triggered by environmental issues.

I don't think bipolar has to destroy a relationship, but I think it's important for it not to play such a huge role in the relationship -and I'm not referring to the episodes, just all the explaining, the focus on it. Maybe not every time you get irritated at him is because of the bipolar? I think the danger of it playing a large role, is that then every mood and behavior is interpreted as bipolar, when it's possible that this is not the case. It can become a kind of being married to bipolar instead of being married to *you* --and you are no doubt a lot more than this, and are not always experiencing episodes.

It can be a very difficult relationship. Both hubby and I are bipolar. But so far we have fared well. We see our therapists frequently and take our meds.

I am so sorry you are going through this It is very very depressing. He is actually leaving tomorrow and is going to be gone until the 27th. Seriously? He is self employed so he can bring him job with him and I am just like wth? Good luck to you and thanks for responding even though its sad.

Thank you for all of your answers and advise. Yes I take 20 pills a day- no joke. I have an appointment on Friday like I said to see the doc and no matter what some changes are being made with my meds. I have given them since January and I don't feel better. I feel better with my anxiety because I take Klonopin for that. I do take responsibility for my reactions and the way I treat others. I don't use "Oh Im Bipolar so I can treat people however I want" NO, that is not the case. But I am saying that I do and I admit I am impatient with him and am not the best wife out there sometimes. And I also know I have been diagnosed with Bipolar (with multiple of other things) but I am me; not I am Bipolar, I am panic attacks, I am anxiety, I am BPD, etc. I am just plain me with some mental illnesses. I go to therapy to get treatment I see psychiatrist and take my meds like Im suppose to. And I don't have insurance so I pay all of these expenses myself- husband included. So I am obviously making the steps to try to be my best with dealing with all this stuff going on.

Short answer because my book to you was erased:

The divorce statistic is 90% accorded to BP magazine, but 'normal' divorce rate is 40-50% of first marriages and higher on second + marriages according to American Psychological Association. So honestly I don't see much difference. Whether your the 1 in 10, or the 5 in 10 you have ****ty odds.

The funny thing is bipolar nurse can't see how my family can work out. I can't imagine things working out with a person that doesn't have the flavor of crazy that I have. Bipolar is not used against any one in the house.

My whole family has bipolar and multiple other disorder, on paper and encompassed in our disorder. We've only been together for 12 yrs. But I was17 when we started dating. We all vary a lot. Where my depression is functional and tolerable, his is not. My mania is explosive, and psychotic, he's more of a hyper-sexual, distracted, tantrums. He's really easy to distract. So while his depression take a major toll on his/our life, my (hypo)mania takes a toll on our family. My son is more of a fast and hard hit. Saying “Clean your room.” can trigger “I'm a burden (actually he's overwhelmed), I should commit suicide” or breaking everything in his room instead of cleaning and having to claw him off the ceiling at 4 am.

We both are slowly crawling back to reality after a month and a half on our bad sides of each other and waiting it out. I did well this time all our utilities are not disconnected, our insurance is still current, and we have not got an eviction notice. The only see able damage is my son's school program got cut but he choose not to tell us until I found out last night and I got my first tattoo, on my wrist of all places. Though I added at least a year of therapy for my son and almost pushed my husband over the edge. He was trying to hanging on and I was stomping on his fingers.

We all are in individual, family and marriage counseling. I really suggest your husband get individual therapy, and both get marriage counseling. It really has showed us what things we have control over and what we don't in regards to both ourselves and the other person. It also has made us quite aware of how bipolar effects each of us as significant others and as the one going through the episode as well as our family dynamic. Our therapists are very good at going “Hey MM your husband doesn't look well/ is increasingly aggravated. Are you worried?” or “H is MM doing okay? Did she talk to her therapists today?” as soon as the person in question leaves the room. I wish they'd tell us but whatever and simple call within a week when asking about IP or med changes would be nice too. I'm a little bitter right now.

We have a no fighting with the crazy person rule. When you're in a mood swing most pick fights but they fizzle out fast when the other person is calmly sitting there not saying anything while you throw a hissy fit. It's much like eventually the arguing person is sick of having a 'one sided' argument and they can talk like an adult. When things get loud we go back to a 'one sided' argument until the adult comes back. We all always on the persons side when delusional or paranoid. That way they'll except their meds and sleeping medication from the other person and they feel they have someone on their side even if it's them that the other one is parinoid about. Also it's easier to go in to the therapists office and say “ MM told me/is upset about (whatever current thoughts are), Why is (blamed person) doing that?” Hence the therapist know whats going on and the significant other is still one the person's side.

When we feel nothing, don't care about the other, or know we're being ***es we grab a card, that we are willing to do, out of the 52 weeks of romance box and complete it. We then put it back and pick another one. When feeling we don't deserve the other we remind ourselves we can't choose who our friends date. So as much as we want to we can't leave our significant other based on things we have done. We also have a 6 month rule on any major decision.

You really need to ask for pills that work on multiple issues at once even if it's off label use.

Thank you for so much GREAT advise! You sound like you have things under control and I applaud you for that. You guys seem to work hard and it is helping you stay together in a healthy relationship. SO thank you. And PS I am seeing the doc tomorrow and requesting a med change. I hope it works out because what Im on is not working except for my klonopin for anxiety. I hope my doc is willing to go along and be willing to change. I have given it plenty of time. I HAVE to get things under control or my marriage is over with-seriously! So far the doctors haven't found a sleep medication to help me when I am unable to help so I, myself, did a lot of research today and made a list of medications I haven't been on and a list of medications that are used to help to sleep so hopefully that will be changed and obviously I need something to calm my anger down, irritable all the time, snappish... Thanks again.

I don't have much to add as to how to make it work (I think the others have covered that) - but I just wanted to give you some hope and be counted among the ones who have beaten the odds, even with BOTH spouses having bipolar. My husband and I have been together for 27 years, married for 21. It hasn't always been easy, and there were times we didn't think we'd make it, but with lots of understanding and educating ourselves about what the other is going through, we've made it work. We didn't come into the marriage having any clue that either of us had bipolar. I was diagnosed 13 years ago and my husband was just diagnosed this year, but the mood issues had been there for a long time. Couples therapy has certainly helped. Good luck with your pdoc appointment. I hope you're feeling better soon.

This so well put... So true. You can be expressive and need to be heard, and if you feel you are not, maybe this causes resentment, and makes you feel that it is your fault or you are just too combative, too well bi polar. Not true. I warned Theron I am now seeing that a relationship with me will be more difficult, said what I deserved, said what triggers he may say or actions he my take that may cause me to behave irrationally, or just run, or threaten to. Luckily his dad and grandmother are bi polar. He knows and is so understanding and calming when I react certain ways, or when I'm elevating a bit too rapidly and do something reckless or impulsive. I'm not a bad person. You are not a bad person. What you must or I know I crave I'm these situations is a place to rest my head on there shoulder, gentleness, kindness, warmth, the opposite of what you put out there... It's a defense mechanism. And I polar or not... It's ok... What's more important is that I'f u truly r in love w each other couples therapy may be fantastic. If you have been married for a long time, and couldn't begin the relationship with the role you see yourself as now but he may not or may not understand... It is soooooo hard to change anyone's behavior. But it's ok to be you. If you get emotionally perturbed or upset in general by specific things he must hear u...and know what he can do to help. Which in most cases is nothing but a big hug and kiss on the fore head, and an I'm sorry you feel this or do u want to talk about it or tell me what u really need so I can help u. Even if u don't know! It opening the lines of communication... Love is so worth it...but it can never stop growing and evolving and everyone deserves kindness and happiness...sorry ! So much to say about this!!!! All the best luck... Also what meds are u on?

My husband has bipolar disorder as well as ADD. The ADD, to me, is the bigger issue for us as it drives me crazy when he hyperfocuses on a computer game, or leaves chores half way finished. The Bipolar is a lot easier for me to understand as he tends to have more lows than highs and as I suffer from depression, it's a lot easier for me to understand and relate to it. It's not easy, but he is my husband, and my best friend and this is who he is.

Thanks so much for your input Im here to learn from others and what you wrote helps a lot. Medication Im on- Paxil, Elavil, Neurontin, Klonopin, Risperdone (spelling).Too much for sure. See my pdoc tomorrow hopefully she can do some changes to help me out here. Thank you for writing I really appreciate it.

MM, I think you read my post wrong. I was giving you guys credit for beating the odds. I totally admire you both for making your marriage and parenting work. I just know that one crazy person is more than enough in my household.

Just wanted to add that I'm currently going through a divorce that was dropped on me the night before I was to be released from the psych ward, 1 week ago. So I can definitely attest that bipolar ran wild can destroy a marriage. But I'm so much better off w/ out him anyway, said he knew for 14 months, but drops the D Bomb on me in the psych ward after a suicide attempt, WTF?! Anyways, I'm so sorry you guys are dealing with this, I know how painful and lonely it is.

Its been 7 yrs since the diagnosis but I am a quiet bp'er. Sneaky might be a better word. But for the most part we do care for each other, we've been to marriage counseling to figure out what is bp behavior and what is just being butt heads. We live mostly separate lives, its been that way for all 27 yrs, a military marriage. He's retired now but works out of state most of the week. We get along. Other than the online affair he knows about that got me my dx, there's been no upsets. I've been told he's cheated but I have no proof. As long as we are settled I'm cool. I know I will be well provided for if I were to file for divorce, I've already inquired. But he's there for me when I need him to be so it works whether he understands it all or not.

I've been diagnosed with BP & ADHD and my girlfriend will agree with you completely! I'm either hyperfocused on my video games, my stories, or my model making (recently picked up again). She loves me and has put up with a lot (and I'm grateful she has because I love her) but she would agree that the ADHD is a lot harder to deal with.

Of course! This all helps me too, bc it's so easy for me to relate to. You're so so welcome... Anytime, really. Perspective is so key and to have so many mindful and caring responses is just what one needs... On the meds note-- have u been satisfied? Maybe your doctor is not listening as much as u would like? Such a tricky and tough process... Oh I so feel for ya... I am on 2.5 mg klonopin, 200 mg lamotrogine, and vistaril have been on many other antipsychotics and tranquilizers, after a manic episode and it makes anyone I love cry when they see me. I'm a zombie on them.... No expression, affection, sarcasm, wit, can't read, have no sex drive. Everyone is different. Some meds I can't take may work awesome for others,. My doc recommended celexa to add instead of vistaril and another .5 mg of klonopin, and I was just too scared to try an sari anti depressant... I am going to see how my current change in meds will affect me this month, though I feel I may need the celexa so I can lesson my klonopin. It's so hard to get off of, but we are afraid with me being so prone to rapid situations of enormous anxiety I need it so I don't get manic, for me anxiety mainly and lack of sleep does it. I'm sorry for rambling! There are so many options tell ur doc exactly what u want and don't want so they can adjust, as a caring good doc will do! Xo

How did it go?

I went and seen my doc and total medications change. Without slowly taking me off any of them. I have a bad feeling about this. I argued with them and then the owner came in and had a discussion with me.
They took me from 2mg of Klonopin 4xs a day to 1mg 4xs a day, Took away half of the amount of Neurontin away, took me off of Elavil, Lowered my Paxil by 20 mgs a day,Took me off Risperdal, added Doxepin for my insomnia and added Latuda for my bipolar. Grrrrr. really frustrated!! Thank you for asking though

Please make your husband aware of the changes, have you dr.'s # on the refrigerator.