I Feel Like I'm Unraveling

I haven't really posted here or visited for several months, until a few days ago. But I am so confused.

I'm pretty sure I'm experiencing dysphoria. Whatever it is, it's super great.

I am really confused and frustrated. I don't understand why this keeps happening. I don't understand what it is exactly that keeps happening.

Last month I was feeling pretty good, but I spent too much money. I also didn't need much sleep, was going to bed around 11 or 12, waking up at 4 or 5, not tired one bit. Totally up. I loved it. Now that's recently ended just this week, and I'm going to bed at around 10 or 11, and waking up at 6 or 7, and I feel exhausted. I'm taking people way too seriously, and I'm reacting. I'm hypersexual, almost can't make rent on time, and today I felt like crying a few times over how I feel my feelings are neglected. And I'm becoming more paranoid about the people around me, especially at work.

But I just don't see it coming. I really don't. I don't know how to see any of it coming. Bad or good. It all feels normal to me. It all feels legitimate to me. It just hits me and I feel like I can't stop it. And when I'm like this in particular, and something hurts me and I get angry, I can be destructive. And I will totally believe that I am right, and justified, in how I react. I'm a little afraid of myself and what I might do. I feel like I'm constantly on the verge.

I have been told that I need to learn how to control my emotions. I don't believe anyone can control their emotions, only suppress them. Am I wrong? Did I miss that class? I feel powerless. I have never been able to control my emotions. And right now, it's even hard for me to control my reactions.

And yet, I think maybe I'm just blowing everything out of proportion and I should just shut the **** up, stop whining like a little brat, and suck it up and deal. I'm really not that bad. Maybe I'm just a drama queen.

I would like to just sever my nerves.

And I can't even say when I'm manic or hypomanic I do X, Y and Z, because I don't even know if I experience mania or hypomania. Nothing is clear to me. So I can't get to the bottom of anything, I can't be prepared for anything, because I can't define what happens and categorize where certain modes of perception and feeling and action/reaction go efficiently and concisely enough to make sense. I can't take a state, label it, and flag it with warning signs, because I don't even know if I am experiencing certain states to begin with. It's just one big, jumbled, confusing mess to me. I don't know where things stop and start, or if they even do at all.

I'm sorry this is so long. If you've read this, thanks for reading.

I wish I could tell you something that would truly help you, but the best I can offer is to say that I know exactly where you're coming from. Everything you typed reminds me of my own mindset when experiencing what I know now as a hypomanic episode. It's incredibly distressing and disturbing. I'm sorry you're going through this right now.

Are you diagnosed, officially? Have you been to any therapy or anything like that where they help you identify your warning signs and triggers? I see in your signature that you're on Topamax. Is that for mood stabilisation? I am also not sure if you're on an SSRI or not-- if you are, and not on a good dose of mood stabiliser, that could be very dangerous for a bipolar I or II person. Instead of helping, it makes the episodes much, much worse.

Velouria,
Perhaps a look at the meaning of dysphoria might show a meaning different than you thought.
[QUOTE]An unpleasant mood caused by normal life events, such as grief, or psychiatric disturbances such as mood or anxiety disorders.
Dysphoria | Encyclopedia of Psychology
Example: Your patient’s parents and teachers remark that she has been unusually tense and whiny over recent weeks.

People I know go into mania and stay up half the night, then in exhaustion they get depressed. Maybe it is time to tell your pdoc about this pattern and ask what meds can balance this out.

Can someone control their emotions?
This article talks about managing emotions
How to Manage Emotions More Effectively | World of Psychology

I have known people that severed the nerves to avoid a particular pain and the false pain continued after the nerves were severed. Makes me look more and more to the mind as the inventor of these situations.

A therapist could really help give a structure to your recovery.

Thank you for sharing so much.

Thank you for your response, filthylessons.

I am not diagnosed officially. My doctors say I have "bipolar elements." I don't even know what that means.

I'm on an SNRI for depression. SSRIs never quite worked for me. I was put on Topamax after a severe relapse of depression this past summer -- which had actually followed a phase not unlike this. :/ Well, first I was put on Wellbutrin, and I had an allergic reaction to it, which sucked because after a week I was 50 times better, and after a week and a half I felt emotionally impervious to everything. I wonder if that's what normal feels like? So after that, I was put on Topamax. Topamax is used off-label for mood stabilization. And that's what ****s with my head even more. As you can see from my cocktail, it's like I have more than just "elements."

And yet I'm able to take meds many people with bipolar disorder can't take. But I feel like I've always gone through cycles. And I always thought it was normal. So I'm just confused as hell. I feel like a fish flip-flopping in the middle of a slippery dock, going absolutely nowhere but back and forth.

[QUOTE=CANDC;4227080]Velouria,
Perhaps a look at the meaning of dysphoria might show a meaning different than you thought.
Ah -- I meant it in the sense of dysphoric mania. I should have been more specific. Thank you!

And thank you very much for the article on managing emotions, I will take a look at it.

It's very hard to not get consumed by my emotions. They just ignite, and I feel like I'm the wick, and I just smolder and burn.

I used to suppress my feelings a lot. The result, I think, was alcohol and drug abuse that caused me to almost lose my job. Now I'm sober but...

Nope, never was able to control my feelings.

As for therapy, I haven't been in months. I quit, back in September/October, after about 7 or 8 years. I did not quit in a good way. I sent my last check (we did phone sessions because I had started seeing her in one place before I moved somewhere farther away), and didn't set up another appointment. I feel bad, but I felt like I was done. Stagnant. Sick of therapy. I'm still kind of sick of it, when I think about it, even though it did help me greatly through some of the most difficult times of my life thus far. I'm not ungrateful.

It's hard for me to compress everything into a 45 minute session. Parts of my brain seem to go into hiding. I forget things that I've felt or experienced or perceived. And then they magically come back to me hours or a day or so afterwards. And then by the time the next session rolls around, we're talking about something we were discussing from the last session. Or sometimes, it's just hard for me to articulate, to find a starting point to even begin to explain without just vomiting words, and I just give up before I even begin.

My therapist attributed everything I did and felt to depression. But she also said I had "bipolar elements."

My psychiatrist has recommended someone he works in the same office with, and I think I might soon(ish) try to set up an appointment with her.

My first piece of advice to you would be to find a new psychiatrist. That's what I did, and they diagnosed me differently than my old doctors. Secondly, I cannot stress the importance of being COMPLETELY HONEST with your psychiatrist. 100%. If you think of something, write it down so you don't forget. If they ask you if you are aggressive or have violent tendencies or anything like that, no matter how ashamed you are you have to tell them. I was in denial for a long time about many of my symptoms, but once I started being totally honest I started getting the treatment I needed.

The cycling is another big red flag for bipolar disorder. Also, being emotionally impervious is not normal. I've been that way before from medication. It made me into a zombie. Funnily enough, it was actually Wellbutrin that made me feel like that. I had energy, I felt pretty good, but all of my creativity and emotional reaction went straight out the window. It's really hard to live with the kind of things that you're going through right now, I know.

I've also felt emotionally impervious without Wellbutrin. I didn't feel like a zombie, though. I didn't feel numb per se. I felt like I could crush serpents beneath my feet. Metaphorically. I feel powerful when I get like that. I love it. But I am also a little afraid of it.

I do have to start writing more down. It's just so overwhelming, it just keeps coming and coming and I feel sometimes like I can't keep up with it. And I do need to be more honest. That's really where I've failed, and I can't blame my psychiatrist. I have only 15 minutes with him, and each time I walk in and he asks how I am, I am like a deer in headlights and make small talk, and pretend like everything's status quo. And I believe it. My mind just goes blank.

Thank you so much for the hug, and for understanding.

No problem. Isn't that what we're all here for? Maybe you could call and ask for a longer appointment next time. I did the same exact thing you described, and it led to me admitting myself to a partial hospitalisation program. Also, I believe that kind of feeling of sort-of 'invincibility' is a symptom of bipolar disorder. Bipolar can sometimes come with delusions of grandeur and things related to that as far as I am aware.

If you ever need to talk, feel free to PM me.

I asked last time for a longer appointment, but unfortunately he does not have the time. That's how he recommended the other doctor. I still have to call her.

See, today I seem to be okay. I feel normal, though maybe a little more easily agitated. That's what is so confusing to me about this. I have no idea what is happening. It's like there's this thing inside me that sleeps or hides and then BAM.

Thank you, I just might PM you very soon, and I appreciate your help very much.

Your first post describes how I feel like all the time except when Im extremely low or on the rare occasions that I feel stable. It's all I know, but when it gets worse than normal I try to stop emailing people, get some sleep, clean the house, and do something I enjoy for myself. Best I can do to help! Hang in!

Yeah, I get compulsive with emails too. For instance, I have a friend/co-worker who's been helping me sort through some stuff, including this, and since my intuition is **** right now I feel like I need to stop bugging him. And yet I've expressed the concern that I'm bugging him, and he's said I'm not, and has expressed that he wants to help, and why. But it is so ****ing hard for me to believe it at the moment. I went through so many drafts of one email just to take the acerbity and passive-aggressiveness out of it, and almost stopped talking to him at the beginning of the week because I reacted to something really stupid.

I have to continuously talk myself out of reacting like that now and remember to review actual evidence, because it's all I have. And that upsets me. Because I'm not even sure if I am perceiving the evidence correctly, and my brain just gives me all possibilities for what it means or implies...and everything just gets ****ed.

So why do you try to stop emailing people?

Because of everything you just said. All of that happens to me. What I have noticed is that once I'm in that state of mind, I simply won't make good decisions and interpretations. I need to break concentration on what ever it is, even to binge watch a TV show and then sleep or something. Revisiting it several days later whatever I was thinking always seems nuts! But I succeed at doing that maybe 35%of the time. :-/ so...

Hey. Try listening to talk radio, pod casts, audio books or stand up comedy. On headphones. I find a third party voice settles down the other voices. :-/

I don't understand why this happens. Why does this happen?

I'm currently binge watching Family Guy, so I must be doing something right.

It's so confusing because it's really hard to tell sometimes that my state of mind has shifted.

Got you. I have the exact same thing. I try to notice if I am thinking of harming or ending relationships, and if I am, I try to just wait it out.

God, I can't tell you how many times...Wow.

Sorry, I've just never really spoken about this before. I always thought it was normal. I could always justify myself.

Yeah, it's very tricky. It all seems like it makes perfect sense while it's happening, like ending a relationship with someone is this absolute necessity. Then 72 hours later you have to face the fact that you were actually completely and utterly out of line. So it goes. Recently I did that, and while it was happening I just told the people that I am bipolar, and that I need to wait it out, and that I'd understand if they didn't want to be in touch with me anymore, but if they could find it in them to bear with me that I'd,appreciate it. And it worked!

Yeah, I don't have an official diagnosis, and just wind up apologizing a lot and having to explain myself. Or I come out of it and it's like nothing's happened. Or, apparently, I don't remember it, which as far as I know has only happened once.

Right. It's such a weird vibe. The quality of reality itself shifting under your feet. Never being certain that you're seeing what everyone else is seeing, or maybe you're seeing something that just isn't there at all. I don't mean like actual hallucinations, I mean like the way you interpret the circumstances. Anyhow, friend me, I'm online a lot, and would happily give you feedback anytime you want to bounce something off of me.

My name is Sam.

Yes, exactly. And I'll also often feel like I'm seeing something everyone else can't.

I will friend you. Thank you for reaching out.

My name is Mary.

Noob here, neither pharmacist nor psychiatrist, but something jumps out at me from your anecdotes: if you've been diagnosed with 'bipolar elements', which in my unqualified opinion is an understatement bordering on dark humor, why are you being prescribed Adderall, an amphetamine likely to exacerbate bipolar disorder? You deserve more consistent and responsible treatment.

Lol "an understatement bordering on dark humor" -- that's exactly how I feel about it!

But I think the blame partially falls on me; I haven't been 100% honest about symptoms. And honestly, some of my symptoms didn't seem like symptoms.

I was diagnosed with ADD before my other symptoms really began to show -- particularly paranoia and agitation (those are the "elements" I guess, idk) and I've been on it for years. It doesn't seem to do anything to exacerbate symptoms for me. I have seen around here that some with bipolar do take adderall and are fine. I also recently read here (anecdotal, no reference to back it up so idk how true it is) that the percentage of people with bipolar who go into manic states from things like adderall is low.

My guess? As long as you're not taking above your tolerance (and it gets tricky because tolerance to adderall increases over time the more you take it), you're okay. Well, I'm okay. Some of course are not.

I was blessed with a high tolerance for all sorts of drugs.

Adderall really does help me with my ADD, and it's definitely never stopped me from sinking into soul-crushing depression. So I think for me, it's fine.