I know I messed up. I knew it when I was doing it that I was risking everything - but I forgot how sick I get and what was at stake.

Around christmas I stopped taking one of my meds as I was drinking a lot and knew they didnt go together so well. I've become unstable not taking this med, but now I have almost 'replaced' it with weed and alcohol. My good eating habits have gone out the window. I've drunk more beer and had more takeaway then any other summer break. I've put on around 20 kilos. (could also be due to PRN zyprexa use)

My mood is low, my energy is low, my thoughts are negative, occasionally suicidal, having issues with work and friendships.

I know I need to get clean and back on the med I am supposed to be on, but it is so anxiety provoking and when I have the choice - take the med or have a smoke/drink and chillout.... I dont know how I can logically know what to do and still choose the wrong option??

I dont know if I need to do some sort of rehab or something as Im not sure I can do it on my own (my partner drinks and smokes a lot) but I need to be well and home for next week as Uni stuff starts. I know logically the plan to follow, but why wont I follow it???

I havent seen my p/tdoc in a while, today I go to see her but I dont want to tell her this stuff at the risk of her telling the meds pdoc and him admitting me for substance abuse... but maybe that is in the best interest since I am not doing myself any favors?

I feel if I really put my mind to it I could clean up on my own, but part of me just doesnt care.

[Wander]

As someone who is in hospital after doing similar things to myself I highly recommend you open up completely with your pdoc.This is serious stuff and can only get worse if you continue. I am now in day 3 of my IP stay and I am already feeling more clear headed. I still have cravings but the meds they give me (Valium and Olanxapine) help calm me down and reduce cravings. there is no way I would have been able to stop if I had of stayed home.
You have made a great first step by making this post! It really shows you are aware something is wrong and you want to change it. You have the support of us here to help you get through but you do need medical support to. You are worth it. I am also detoxing now as I don't want to have a foggy head for university when it starts. I want to do well. Hang in there and keep posting!

[butterflypower]

I stopped taking my medicine. I would drink and smoke weed.
I finally got back on my medicine Friday. People around me have fun with drinking and weed. I just ignore them.

I was on medicine long enough to be stable..

I guess I'll see how much I can open up in the appointment, I dont think I would be able to tell her that I jepodised my life so much.

[Nammu]

I hope you are able to talk openly with your Pdoc. You are worth getting help.

I am so disappointed in myself. I know drinking and weed will never be out of my life if I stay with my partner but I dont know if I am strong enough to say no the rest of my life.

[Velouria]

I used to take my meds AND drink and smoke to my heart's content. But at the time I was only on an antidepressant and Adderall...and Xanax.

Still, it ****ed me up good. I don't recommend that course of action. Bad, very, very bad. I'm sober now, which helps a whole lot.

So do yourself a favor and be honest. I'm at a point now where I'm confused as hell about my own ****, and a lot of that has to do with withholding information from my doctors.

Don't let yourself get stuck.

[pepper2009]

Trying to look far into the future can drive a sane person crazy. Drinking and selectively taking my mes sent me into a mixed episode so intense I attempted suicide. My guilt at my drinking pushed me over the edge. I spent 4 days in ICU and then a lovely few days IP. Be honest with your T. It's their job to support you and help you figure out solutions. I haven't had a drink in over a year and a half and am the more stable than I ever have been. Your situation is a little more complicated since you reside with someone that uses. Its easy to chose the 'wrong' option when you are already in a vulnerable place. If IP is something you are willing to do, maybe that will help. You are worth the effort!

[~Christina]

If your not sure how much you can verbally say, write it all down and hand it to the Pdoc. Bipolar people are just notorious for stumbles like this, Been there done that and bought the Tshirt.

Cut yourself a break. Get back on track.

Thanks guys, this has all been a big help.

I told t/pdoc what has been going on with drinking and smoking and how I am choosing that over my meds. We spent about half the session discussing if I am safe as I have made 4 attempts on my life this year, I agreed that I would continue to work with her and ring my other pdoc asap to fix the meds and if I think I need hospital. She even suggested I start uni from inpatient. She was disappointed about me pulling out of my work position and told me not to make any big decisions for a few weeks at least.

She said because I was going so well late last year she doesnt think this will be as hard as previous times to get out of. That didnt give me any hope. She obviously cares about me and today said "if all you can do today is get high/drunk and it gets you through the day, then it gets you through the day". She'd prefer me to use clonazepam but said if thats what I needed to do to get through, to just do it. I feel like I have let her down somehow.

She seems very confident that I'll get back on track, but I guess I am having a woe is me day and just feel like my life is completely ruined because Im unstable yet again and guilty because its my own doing. I just have to look after myself and stay safe, which feels like a bit of an impossible task.

Wondering when my bf will get sick of this. I havent been well much this year at all. But then we've had some really crazy times drinking and smoking and letting go together.

[Nammu]

I'm glad you were able to talk about this. I hope you are considering her offer of IP and starting the UNI frhom there, it might be a more positive start than staying with you partner at the beginning and being tempted by the alcohol and weed.

At any rate, good going.

[Bipolartist]

I can totally relate to this. One thing I always say is, "Everything I love... I hate." This sounds dramatic, but sometimes I think it's really true when I'm overdoing everything and suffering from continuous guilt, knowing the things I'm doing are so unhealthy: drinking, smoking, sexing it up, taking risks, over spending, over eating, and on and on and on.

I find the more guilt and anxiety I have, the more I do the bad things. I always think worst case scenario, like I'm going to get cancer or HIV, then I think, "Oh well, **** it, I'm already doomed, I'm going to die, I'm going to go to hell, so live it up!"

Eventually I always get back to a point where I start to get depressed and then I feel as if I "come back down to earth" and have about an equal amount of time cleaning up my act. Then I can go the other direction, go to church, pray to God for help (almost obsessively), fear the things I've done, the guilt come back, and there I go again into the bad behavior as an escape.

I am trying so hard to break the cycle. It seems each time it's getting easier to clean up my act for longer periods of time.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.

I've failed in my goals for the summer. I've jepodised my job, my home, my relationship. Yeah guilt. Anxiety.

I havent looked after myself for a few days. I've not been eating or drinking right (my water is currently undrinkable). I've been aiming to go shopping for 3 days now and it hasnt happened.

I feel a constant state of stress. I think it'd be best to go to hospital but so dont want to.

[Velouria]

Originally Posted by Supanova

I've failed in my goals for the summer. I've jepodised my job, my home, my relationship. Yeah guilt. Anxiety.

I havent looked after myself for a few days. I've not been eating or drinking right (my water is currently undrinkable). I've been aiming to go shopping for 3 days now and it hasnt happened.

I feel a constant state of stress. I think it'd be best to go to hospital but so dont want to.

I think it's great you were so honest with your therapist. That took strength and courage.

You need to take care of yourself and get better. You said you'd made 4 attempts on your life this year. Be strong, have courage, and put yourself in a safe place where you can get better. Don't risk anything else. If your gut is telling you to go to the hospital, then go. Be strong. Get stronger.

[Sinking Feeling]

It sounds like your guilt ridden! Been there too many times. But give yourself the credit you so deserve! You seen it happening and eventually stopped! And what was your sin? Alcohol and weed. While I am in no way condoning that, I will say you could have done a lot worse too! Give your self the credit you deserve. The guilt will pass as soon as you forgive yourself!

I cant forgive myself as I gave up my dream job in the midst of the episode. I feel like I have ruined my life. By doing that I have risked my home and job.

I called my meds pdoc office 3 times, the soonest he can see me is 9th of march. They told me to go to the emergency room but I so do not want to be stuck in a locked ward and I have long standing plans tomorrow and I dont want to let my mates down.

I think I could last another few days if my bf can come look after me, but its such a pressure on him and I dont want to drive him away again.

[Wander]

Considering how bad you feel I really think going IP, even in a locked ward, is your best bet. I was only in for 4 days and it helped immensely. if you continue going the way you are you may lose more precious things in your life, like your boyfriend, or even your life itself. Please stay safe and call lifeline, suicide hotline or 000 if you cannot stay safe. You matter to us and I am sure you matter to many people in your life.

[Nammu]

I agree with wonder. You need to think of yourself first right now, not about letting others down. The ER sounds like a good place to start, especially if the Pdocs office recommendEd you go.

[Flyer]

Good advice from ppl who do understand and care.

For me, I'm myself's biggest critic. We really do need to give ourselves a break in that department.

I've hit some speed bumps in my life, and being a procrastinator, putting things off as long as I can... I have found for me, the sooner I can get my hindend some help, the faster I will feel better and the better life will be.

I too, would take up the offer of a B&B [bed and breakfast] if it was offered, and let them worry about my crap.

Take good care of you.

Grr I wrote a whole post and lost it.

Dilemma before going inpatient, my landlord has asked me to clean up the outdoor area, I cant do that until I get shelving tomorrow. I asked if I could pick up shelving today but was told it wouldnt fit in my car.

I also do not want to let down my friends, we have been planning this catch up for 6 months. So I cant drink or medicate for the day (not that meds do anything). I've tried to meditate but the rumination is making me suicidal.

My boyfriend is really pissed that I want to go to hospital. He says I need to harden up and will be fine if I just have weed. But we dont have weed and he left early this morning. He knows I have no food, no clean water and that I am depressed, so I am upset he left me like this. I feel like I need to go to hospital right now but I just have so much to do that makes me more overwhelmed and the cycle continues.

Hey darlin, I was there a few weeks ago and I'm back at it. I need support like you do. It's hard to sober up when someone in the house is still drinking/drugging. I'm trying to increase my meds to working status. My spouse should be gone in a month, so I might have a chance. Good luck to you too!

I am deeply sorry you are going through so much right now. It sounds like you have ideas of what you feel you need. I greatly hope you are able to find a safe and good plan to tackle all of this.

Keep posting and writing if it helps. Being listened to can help sometimes.

Thanks so much for all your support. I am staying with a mate to avoid hospital. Agitation Is less today

Feeling worse this afternoon but my friend should be home soon so I guess that will distract me. Craving a cheeseburger like mad haha they are my comfort food. I miss my partner, I just want a cuddle sometimes. Craving a beer like mad too but after last nights performance I need to steer clear of alcohol. I don't think I'm quite mixed but definitely an agitated depression. Upping the clonazepam again tonight I think. Does anyone know how long til I feel a mood lift from going back on my regular meds?

I am feeling less guilty about the situation now having read some of your experiences. This could be a life changing year for me if I get my act together. I'm So thankful my friends took me in. I'm hoping that I continue to cope out of hospital but I am starting to stress about uni.