[Tryingtobehappy5]

Does anyone else have an issue with self destruction?

I mean not in an episode. I feel like I am in a fairly good space but Im destroying it on purpose.

I dont understand and I dont know how to stop. Sometimes I think I should call a help line or my pdoc or therapist or even my GP who I like. I just cant, I dont think they could help me anyways. The only time anything helps is when i'm IP.

You can't help someone who won't help themselves right? So what if that person is you?

I have had a really hard time taking my night meds ever since

Possible trigger:

I took almost 300 pills at the end of my last manic episode

I take my morning meds but the association issue is so bad with the night ones I feel extremely nauseous and gag on them. It can take me hours to get them all down. Now I have skipped 3 nights out of the past 4.

My sleep has been less than great and my pdoc was very insistent that I use the seroquel after a couple nights of not sleeping well to keep myself stable. I havent even filled the prescription.

I also drank tonight. Only 3 beer but I hadnt drank in almost 2 months since my last episode which ended with a lot of very bad alcohol abuse.

My main thought is this. I dont see any good future for myself, I dont know if I see any future for myself at all and most of all I dont even know if I want a future.

Mostly I feel good. Work is good, family is good, I am healthy and have a great team of professionals working with me now. But still something feels wrong and whatever that is doesnt bother me as much when I allow the self destruction.

[Victoria'smom]

I have a similar issue with my meds. can you crush them and take them with yogurt or pudding? Does your pdoc know your issues with pills?

[Wander]

I used to have a massive issue with self-destruction. Reckless in every way, ignoring medical advice and the pleas of my loved ones. It was like I wanted to get as close to death as possible without dying. I too had great support etc. However, I did have a huge dose of undealt with severe trauma. Once that was processed (and in my case it took years due to crank therapists and the general process)

Do you have anything you might be running from? Just a thought.

[Tryingtobehappy5]

Yes she knows, I was IP for a month after that happened and I had trouble with it right from the beginning. We switched the time I was taking them and then switched from 500mg pills to 250mg which helped a bit because they are smaller. I was still having so much trouble so we tried liquid too but it tasted so horrible, it was worse than the pills so went back to pills after one night. I cant cut or crush them either.

I dont like taking these meds at all.

Possible trigger:

starting to think i should just cut again.

It doesnt ruin my life and it still hurts me. Im afraid my husband will leave me and my pdoc wont see me anymore if im not compliant with my meds for too long. I only want to hurt myself I dont want to lose everyone

[Tryingtobehappy5]

Yes Wander, plenty of things I can think of unfortunately. I remember in junior high i would walk across the highway without looking on purpose. It goes way back.

I love drinking the most, I enjoy blackouts. Most people cant understand that, its just more like death than sleeping and I get to feel extra happy for a little while then there is even the possibility of an attempt which most of the time I think could be a good thing.

I also took a lot of random pills when I was in highschool like larger amounts of advil tylenol etc mixed with alcohol and weed.

I costantly feel the need to change how I feel. I either feel good and want to ruin it or feel bad and want to make it better. Unless im on the manic side of things that is something else causing me to self destruct.

Therapy is not helping, its been largely useless to me so far. I dont know how to make it more useful because i want to ruin myself!!!! How the f*** are you supposed to try harder when you want to do the opposite. Plus my pdoc and gp seem to get a lot farther with me than my t does so thats not great.

I had 10 years where I was mostly depressed but staying out of trouble raising my kids and then I decided to "get help" and now im f***ed. They want me to believe that their meds didnt make me this way but i dont trust anyone at all except my husband and i cant even listen to him most of the time.

So my stupid bleak future that everyone tells me can be great? Not sure i want it

[Tryingtobehappy5]

Obviously the happy part of my sad amount of alcohol has worn off and im just getting more and more upset. I would have drank more for sure if there was more here. Just realized i forgot to put the naltrexone in my signature of current meds. Its supposed to help with cravings but im not sure it has. My mood slipped just a tiny bit and i want to drink so much again now.

But i better try and get some sleep. Its 3am here now, not good

[wiretwister]

depression my friend ... you got it , or it has you ..... maybe time to look at that drug list again ...

[Tryingtobehappy5]

Originally Posted by wiretwister

depression my friend ... you got it , or it has you ..... maybe time to look at that drug list again ...

I honestly would not have thought that was a possibility right now. My depression normally comes with sleeping 12+hrs not sleeping too little. And usually I drink more on the upswing.

But usually if im going up im happy at first the self destruction doesnt start for a while. And I did have a week where I felt truly good before the depression and I had none of these thoughts.

I was depressed, we upped the lamictal on feb 1 because I was feeling like this. Gp said I was depressed, pdoc said I was depressed, I agreed because I was lethargic and unmotivated. That has improved but the thoughts are still here. And im always more likely to act on my bad thoughts the less depressed I am.

I am going to try to look at it like that. As if Im actually getting better right now because maybe thats true. If I let myself continue doing this Im not gonna get better and I am trying to believe that is possible. My new pdoc is the best, her and my gp are so hopeful for me. I want to be hopeful I just have never had much of a reason to feel that.

I see my gp in a week and pdoc in 2. We are gonna see how the lamictal increase is working and if we need to add an antidepressant then. I can make it 2 weeks.

Thank you!
You guys are seriously the best, I really appreciate everyone. Sometimes I am not able to listen but when I can this group makes a huge difference

[Victoria'smom]

How often do you get mixed episodes?

[-Astral-]

i feel like this for most of my life am now married and i have friends and a good life at the moment [trigger] but at the moment i want to sallow every pill in the house iwant to die [/tigger] but my husband will be pissed

[Tryingtobehappy5]

With the amount of episodes I have had in the last 2 years of hell, mixed is the least often but thats not saying much. For myself mixed is high energy with very negative thoughts including homicidal/suicidal ideation. Maybe that is not what it is supposed to mean, I am still trying to figure out the difference between that and ultrarapid cycling(thats changing within days or hours right? I get that too sometimes but not often) However it is usually much worse than this. When it happens I have 0 positive thoughts and I still definitely feel happiness sometimes right now and not the scary evil happiness that I get with mixed. Some of the time I even feel especially happy, some of the things I notice are dancing a lot, taking a lot of selfies(not normal for me) poor self care except doing my makeup/hair and my obsession with the night and my shadow get more intense.

Astral im sorry you are feeling that way, I wish it was easier to just be happy and content. I have never truly known that feeling. Keep yourself safe

Possible trigger:

both of my attempts with pills have been unsuccessful and as you can see from the last one(if you read the other trigger portion) i tried very hard. Its not worth it. Im just lucky to not have brain or organ damage

My husband tells me there will be consequences but I havent seen them yet other than the horrible things I do to myself. He really doesnt like when i hurt myself though. It feels good to me but i do feel bad that it hurts him

I normally just have passive suicidal thoughts unless im manic and that creeps in slowly taking over with lots of threats when im drunk until it suddenly turns into an extreme compulsion and then there is no way to stop me from trying then without police intervention. Unfortunately tiny little choices like not taking my meds for one night, drinking for one night, lead me down that path so fast and its so hard to not allow it.

[PsychoPhil]

Originally Posted by Tryingtobehappy5

I had 10 years where I was mostly depressed but staying out of trouble raising my kids and then I decided to "get help" and now im f***ed. They want me to believe that their meds didnt make me this way but i dont trust anyone at all except my husband and i cant even listen to him most of the time.

I read a book today recommending meditation for balancing out mood swings. Curiously, it's been a meditation retreat that made me so happy I thought I'd never be depressed again in my life, in fact so happy I had thoughts on imminent enlightenment.
But if you haven't yet tried some sort of spiritual practice there is a possibility it might help you. I have been attending service at a catholic church lately and even though I'm not a firm believer of a good part of the doctrine, the forgiveness aspect is very useful. For those of us haunted by ghosts of the past.

Meditation, medication, religion, any remedy for the condition is potentially poison. Possible, Tryingtobehappy5, that medication made you worse, but 10 years of mostly being depressed wouldn't have done much good either. I for myself think it may have been my completely untreated first episode of severe depression that got me into this mess.

What also helps me is to live life like every day could be the last. Especially every day could be the last at my current work. No point in being upset, worried about getting fired, or in working too hard but at the same time an incentive to be nice to everyone, try and make a good impression in case I need a reference. This, however, would only be a remedy so long as it doesn't turn into the solution. I filled a screening test today telling me I should call 911, when my 15min instantaneous PDoc says all is fine because I work. Aouw, what an insightful day!! Work is another such poisonous remedy!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lyrics from The Prodigy, I think the last line has something of a clang association:
I got the poison
I got the remedy
I got the pulsating rhythmical remedy

Originally Posted by Tryingtobehappy5

Does anyone else have an issue with self destruction?

I mean not in an episode. I feel like I am in a fairly good space but Im destroying it on purpose.

I dont understand and I dont know how to stop. Sometimes I think I should call a help line or my pdoc or therapist or even my GP who I like. I just cant, I dont think they could help me anyways. The only time anything helps is when i'm IP.

You can't help someone who won't help themselves right? So what if that person is you?

I have had a really hard time taking my night meds ever since

Possible trigger:

I took almost 300 pills at the end of my last manic episode

I take my morning meds but the association issue is so bad with the night ones I feel extremely nauseous and gag on them. It can take me hours to get them all down. Now I have skipped 3 nights out of the past 4.

My sleep has been less than great and my pdoc was very insistent that I use the seroquel after a couple nights of not sleeping well to keep myself stable. I havent even filled the prescription.

I also drank tonight. Only 3 beer but I hadnt drank in almost 2 months since my last episode which ended with a lot of very bad alcohol abuse.

My main thought is this. I dont see any good future for myself, I dont know if I see any future for myself at all and most of all I dont even know if I want a future.

Mostly I feel good. Work is good, family is good, I am healthy and have a great team of professionals working with me now. But still something feels wrong and whatever that is doesnt bother me as much when I allow the self destruction.

I wish I knew the answer. In my teens and 20s I was very self destructive. I don't do a lot of that anymore but I am talking to an ex who is a complete narcissist. I quit for awhile, bock him etc. But then I take him off block. He's a typical narcissist. Charming, funny witty. He's very hot. I refuse to see him tho. First off then he'd know where I live, I've gained weight since I saw him last and he'll use it against me eventually, and I don't want it to lead to sex.

I really wish I knew what causes self destruction. ....

So sorry you deal with it too.

[Tryingtobehappy5]

PsychoPhil, I have done a small amount of meditation. I usually enjoy it when i do it but its hard to start and continue. Just another phase I go through, meditation and affirmations, I really like them for a while and then its just over. I seriously have no clue how anyone does anything consistently, it feels impossible for me.

I really dont like the church system after growing up in it although a few times I have thought of going just to be have "something" with other people, I havent though. I dont have any friends, well one person has had me over for coffee a couple times in the past year so I guess that is a friend.

You are right about the depression. It was often so bad I literally would lay on the floor wherever I was in the house at the time and not be able to get up for hours.

I think my first bigger hypomanic episode was in the fall before I had the worst depressive episode up to that point that led me to ask for meds finally. I did think maybe I had cyclothymia because i knew something was wrong and did some research long before I ever went to a dr for help but never told them how bad i felt in those 10 years.

Rose its really hard to fight against something like this, Im glad things are a little better for you now. I imagine it wont ever go away for me but maybe it will get a little easier to not give in.

I did better yesterday, I was very happy and managed to take some of my meds at least. Today I filled my prescription and took half the pills at supper so I can hopefully get the rest down at bedtime.

Today at work I had to put together a chart of someone close to my age(im almost 30) who overdosed causing brain damage and eventually death. It was hard not to start crying. I was so close to that happening to me, od, lifeflight, all the same except I luckily came out alive and healthy somehow. how can I have even the tiniest bit of trouble doing everything possible to stop that from being a possibility. Its messed up.

[PsychoPhil]

Originally Posted by Tryingtobehappy5

I seriously have no clue how anyone does anything consistently, it feels impossible for me.

I really dont like the church system after growing up in it although a few times I have thought of going just to be have "something" with other people, I havent though. I dont have any friends, well one person has had me over for coffee a couple times in the past year so I guess that is a friend.

Same here, I can't maintain a regular meditation practice. I need to be sufficiently at ease to be able to sit down. If I do, it calms me down and gets me into a better mood, but it really only works when I least need it. Plus it's perfectly possible to worsen manic episodes by meditation.

Church: all depends on the congregation. If people are nice I enjoy socialising. No one needs to know I don't believe in large parts of the doctrine, and I think it really doesn't matter anyway so long as it somehow shines a ray of light into my darkness.

On self-destructive tendencies: yup, have them too. I regularly self-sabotage any chances of career if I even lasted long enough. No idea why I'm doing this. Plus my crabby and irritable moods are probably hard to bear for anyone. I've been self-medicating lately and got praise for improved attitude, though. Not saying this is great. And I know alcohol is a destabilising depressant, but I still drink. Plus self-harming tendencies not otherwise specified, speaking in diagnostic jargon

[Tryingtobehappy5]

Originally Posted by PsychoPhil

Same here, I can't maintain a regular meditation practice. I need to be sufficiently at ease to be able to sit down. If I do, it calms me down and gets me into a better mood, but it really only works when I least need it. Plus it's perfectly possible to worsen manic episodes by meditation.

Church: all depends on the congregation. If people are nice I enjoy socialising. No one needs to know I don't believe in large parts of the doctrine, and I think it really doesn't matter anyway so long as it somehow shines a ray of light into my darkness.

On self-destructive tendencies: yup, have them too. I regularly self-sabotage any chances of career if I even lasted long enough. No idea why I'm doing this. Plus my crabby and irritable moods are probably hard to bear for anyone. I've been self-medicating lately and got praise for improved attitude, though. Not saying this is great. And I know alcohol is a destabilising depressant, but I still drink. Plus self-harming tendencies not otherwise specified, speaking in diagnostic jargon

Haha ya meditation when I am at peace in life is great. Meditation when I need to calm down feels impossible. I once tried to participate while I was mixed in IP because they did it as a group most days(before all the programs were cut). My mind ran through things so fast it was a blur and the only thing I could fully see of my thoughts was me ripping myself apart. It was super bad.

Small town, I dont like most people, feel awkward in group settings and also dont believe in it so church just wouldnt work for me. I cant seem to figure out any way to make friends though. Between having kids so young, isolating myself on purpose and being so inconsistent it feels impossible. But oh well at least I have all of you plus I still talk to some of the people from my psych ward stays they just dont live here.

I have big dreams when it comes to career but that is one of the things that makes me want to try harder while also wanting to destroy myself. Pdoc, GP, T all say I could do it but its hard to believe. I gave up for those 10 years and only really try to work towards it when im manic which only leads to me feeling even worse afterwards. I know Im smart enough but Im not stable enough. In the ER when I was loopy and the meds were taking over I told the nurses, dr, hubby that I wished I would at least kill some brain cells so I wouldnt feel bad about not reaching my potential. And I meant that, I still feel it. Im not really sure why it matters that much to me but it is a big part of why I self sabotage. Might as well ruin any chance so I wont have to feel bad about not trying anymore.

I love alcohol. Not sure I will ever give that up, I dont want to give it up. They keep telling me to go to an addiction help program or AA but I dont want to stop. Im taking Naltrexone so Im half trying I guess. Making it 1 month sucked, making it 2 months sucked but Ive ruined my record now, I feel better but want more and I like whiskey straight, beer was weak.

[PsychoPhil]

Originally Posted by Tryingtobehappy5

My mind ran through things so fast it was a blur and the only thing I could fully see of my thoughts was me ripping myself apart. It was super bad.

Small town, I dont like most people, feel awkward in group settings and also dont believe in it so church just wouldnt work for me. I cant seem to figure out any way to make friends though. Between having kids so young, isolating myself on purpose and being so inconsistent it feels impossible. But oh well at least I have all of you plus I still talk to some of the people from my psych ward stays they just dont live here.

I have big dreams when it comes to career but that is one of the things that makes me want to try harder while also wanting to destroy myself. Pdoc, GP, T all say I could do it but its hard to believe.

I love alcohol. Not sure I will ever give that up,

I'm an aspie and my social activities need to have a purpose. Skiing, hiking, badminton, I can't just sit around in a group and enjoy chitchat. Board or card games are in between chitchat and purpose for me. I love playing though I'm not particularly good at it, and need people that are either equally as bad or patient.

The importance of social skills for career is something I understood far too late in life. Being a hard working genius gets you nothing if no one wants to work with you because of your attitude. And I haven't yet found out how I could project positivity in the midst of a lousy depression, or being a likeable person when my mood is highly irritable. Aside of not being depressed or irritable, of course. Life could be so easy

Alcohol: I made it to the bottle shop just before it closed. Evening is saved.

[sarahsweets]

Originally Posted by Tryingtobehappy5

Does anyone else have an issue with self destruction?

I mean not in an episode. I feel like I am in a fairly good space but Im destroying it on purpose.

I dont understand and I dont know how to stop. Sometimes I think I should call a help line or my pdoc or therapist or even my GP who I like. I just cant, I dont think they could help me anyways. The only time anything helps is when i'm IP.

You can't help someone who won't help themselves right? So what if that person is you?

I have had a really hard time taking my night meds ever since

Possible trigger:

I took almost 300 pills at the end of my last manic episode

I take my morning meds but the association issue is so bad with the night ones I feel extremely nauseous and gag on them. It can take me hours to get them all down. Now I have skipped 3 nights out of the past 4.

My sleep has been less than great and my pdoc was very insistent that I use the seroquel after a couple nights of not sleeping well to keep myself stable. I havent even filled the prescription.

I also drank tonight. Only 3 beer but I hadnt drank in almost 2 months since my last episode which ended with a lot of very bad alcohol abuse.

My main thought is this. I dont see any good future for myself, I dont know if I see any future for myself at all and most of all I dont even know if I want a future.

Mostly I feel good. Work is good, family is good, I am healthy and have a great team of professionals working with me now. But still something feels wrong and whatever that is doesnt bother me as much when I allow the self destruction.

Do you want to be well?

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry, Tryingtobehappy5 Please don't be so hard on yourself. Just wanted to let you know that I've read your post and I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. Is it possible that there may be a part of you that doesn't feel like it deserves help? Maybe you're hurting yourself because of that. I don't know, maybe I'm completely wrong. I'm so sorry, I wish I've had more advice to give to you. I can listen to what you have to say. I'll listen to what you have to say and won't judge you. I'm so sorry I can't do more for you. Is there anything we can do to help you? Please let us know. Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this

[Tryingtobehappy5]

Short version because I keep typing way too much.
I have pretty good social skills but still have no friends, probably because I hate myself.
Most of the time I want to be dead and I dont really believe anyone loves me.
Drinking and being a piece of sh** makes me feel better.


Somehow I have pretty decent social skills but cannot make friends. I am empathetic and adaptable to different people and situations. Im friendly, easy to talk to, relate well to others and can get along well with everyone. That is coming from what healthcare providers have said recently and others in the past along with what I believe about myself. At work I do even better, if they didnt see me f***ing up my life all the time when Im in the ER they wouldnt have a clue and I know anyone who hasnt seen the truth doesnt know it. It hurts that people dont like me beyond that but I do my best to ignore it plus I dont like myself so I dont blame them.

Sarahsweets, I dont know. Most of the time I would rather be dead. I have small moments of happiness but they never last long. I mostly see myself as ruined and unable to be what I want in life. I dont know what well would look like but I feel like it could never be good enough for me. I like shoving down all my empathy and love and hope and drowning it in a bottle so I dont have to think about it. I dont care how bad I look in handcuffs and no shoes falling all over or how uncomfortable the floor of the drunk tank is. I slept on the floor in the psych ward sometimes to feel discomfort, any bed feels cushy now. I have a hard time accepting love, I dont believe any of my family loves me. I sometimes feel love from my children and H. I know they care about me but I guess I feel I dont deserve it so I dont know how they could really love me.

A quote from my crappy depressing poetry I write "Im just looking for an ending and happy endings, they are for fairy tales"

[pirilin]

Real friends are very hard to come by.
I have fingers left in only one hand.

Cheers.

[Tryingtobehappy5]

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

I'm so sorry, Tryingtobehappy5 Please don't be so hard on yourself. Just wanted to let you know that I've read your post and I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. Is it possible that there may be a part of you that doesn't feel like it deserves help? Maybe you're hurting yourself because of that. I don't know, maybe I'm completely wrong. I'm so sorry, I wish I've had more advice to give to you. I can listen to what you have to say. I'll listen to what you have to say and won't judge you. I'm so sorry I can't do more for you. Is there anything we can do to help you? Please let us know. Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this

I dont feel like i deserve anything anymore. Sometimes I feel like I would be happier if I lost everything because thats the way it should be and trying at all is too hard.

I really appreciated coming on here and seeing more encouragement tonight though. I have been taking my meds again, doing better with my kids and I was so happy today. But tonight for some reason Iost that again. I looked at my wellness plans from when I left the hospital the last couple times but it just all looked useless and the feeling was just so overwhelming

Possible trigger:

so I cut instead I only cut where a swimsuit would cover and its not deep so it doesnt bother me but I know I shouldnt. I have lots of marks on my arm right now from my last manic episode and i dont want more

It was too late to stop that but seeing all these posts made me feel a little better for sure. I was feeling really alone with H working nights and not really having anyone else to talk to