[Guiness187055]

Was a really good day today. I got a lot accomplished and it felt good. My son is leaving for the Air Force in three weeks so that empty nest feeling is starting to set in. They grow up so quick and are hard to let go of. Hope everyone is doing OK.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by LadyShadow

In really good spirits and feeling better than I have in a long time. I know everybody has struggles, but I think it's nice if we all post when things are going really well when our medication is working and hopeful for the future.

After all the darkness I've seen, it's nice to be in the light, be hopeful for a new future and happy in my relationship.

Sending prayers, hugs, and love to anyone who needs them - just remember, if today was total crap, tomorrow may be totally better.

Love having you around!

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

Today was really good. Dare I hope the medication is kicking in? I have experienced moments of happiness, joy and bliss. I took full advantage of this: I spent the day savoring the feelings, catching up with family and friends and writing a letter from my well self to my unwell self for future reference if needed.

I’m grateful. May there be many more.

Warm wishes to all and hugs to those that are struggling.

"I'll have what she's having!"

Seriously, I am thrilled for you!

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

Today was really good. Dare I hope the medication is kicking in? I have experienced moments of happiness, joy and bliss. I took full advantage of this: I spent the day savoring the feelings, catching up with family and friends and writing a letter from my well self to my unwell self for future reference if needed.


I’m grateful. May there be many more.


Warm wishes to all and hugs to those that are struggling.

Fantastic !!!!!! So very happy for you!

I like that idea of writing ourselves matters , haven’t thought of that in years

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Guiness187055

Was a really good day today. I got a lot accomplished and it felt good. My son is leaving for the Air Force in three weeks so that empty nest feeling is starting to set in. They grow up so quick and are hard to let go of. Hope everyone is doing OK.

Glad you had a good day.

Oh yes empty nest ... I still struggle with it !

Please tell your son I thank him for his service and we are lucky to have men like him in this world

I’m feeling pretty good. Bought some used stuff from eBay that I plan on fixing up. Just gotta use my soldering iron and do some electronics work because they’re broken. Nothing I can’t fix though.

I managed to sleep 8.5 hrs last night. This is AMAZING because I slept nearly 11 the night before! Yikes... I’m not sure which med is the culprit, but it’s been like this for a while with the excessive sleep. I get 7 hrs every time I go off my meds, which makes going off my meds very tempting, but I won’t do it again because it never ends well.

I hope everyone is doing well, and if not, I hope you feel better soon.

[Scooter9]

I got out into the garden today and mowed the lawn, removed weeds, and cleaned up.

Didn't do it last year at all and this is the first time this year. The depression kept me away from it last year. I think I'm feeling better compared to this time last year.

I had a really low day a couple of days ago so I'm not out of this 19 month long phase yet.

I argued with my wife last night. I got tired of being told that my answers are too short, that I'm not standing straight enough, that I shouldn't stare into space, that the inflection in my voice is causing people to be hurt, and a bunch of other stupid stuff. It has been going on for years. I told her enough! I said accept me like I accept you. I have not once tried to change her.

This is on top of the "discussions" we have about my bipolar. I put it in quotes because she doesn't even try to understand what I've been going through and she doesn't get how I can be functional yet as depressed as I say I am. I tell her it's purely intellectual, and that I'm doing things in an effort to get out of the depression. She thinks I'm cured and the meds I take are poison and will cause dimentia and all sorts of other problems.

It's all up hill. But I'm surviving and holding out hope that things will improve.

[Miss Laura]

Anxieties are sky high.... got a letter for a benefit I receive I need to re-apply for it. I'm so anxious I don't need this right now. My worker is on holiday this week coming. So I'm like who do I contact. I'm gonna call my CPN on Monday I think. I have a number to call on Monday too they can help fill in the forms. It's a thick booklet argh! Stressed.com isn't the word

Plus I'm going to see Kylie Minogue tomorrow leaving 5 hours before doors open. Support act on then Kylie at 9pm and doors close at 10:30pm. Mega excited but mega anxious

[Wander]

Second night IP. It is really tough. The urge to run in extraordinary so I been drugged heavily most of the time. I don't WANT to die but feel compelled too. Everyone here Is so helpful. They are doing all they can to keep me safe. Terror and fear hit so hard and fast at times I almost run away fro the hospital which would be futile as the nurses would call the police who would be difficult to avoid in time. So I have stayed in here after an almost run away yesterday.

On the plus they have a small gym and I can use it most days to work on my hip which is causing some despair as it has been stuffed for four months. Due to paranoid I haven't met any other patients yet but hopefully I can calm down soon and meed people. I feel so isolated. It is difficult seeing my Mum who is the only person wo visits daily and cares so much about me. Now I am graphically aware of her unconscious complicity in the abuse I suffered as a child it tears me apart to accept this, to accept her love, and to let the rage slide. It is so much more complicated but for now I would just say it is confusing having such a wonderful. caring mother who would do anything for me be the same person who let me down so bad.

SO. I still have a massive urge to run but have nowhere to go but death. I don't want to die but can see no other way out right now. For now I will let the staff sit on me, and medicate me, until things calm down. My Lithium and Ziprazisone(GEODON) have been increased. Not sure by exactly how much as I have not been paying attention. I have been on heaps of Seroquel and Haloperidol, and benzodiazepines also to calm me down. They help temporarily but don't tame the rage inside of me that is trying to destroy me.

Sorry for the long post. It is 12.30 am and I am very bored and lonely.

[fern46]

Hey Wander, thanks for keeping us updated. I think it is great you are able to keep your phone. I wasn't even allowed to have my hairbrush when I was in IP. I also think it is awesome there is a gym for you to use.

Your mind is still chaotic, but your heart is working properly. You are still able to recognize that the staff is trying to help you and you are appreciative of their kindness. You knew deep down that running was a bad idea even though your mind is working so hard to convince you otherwise. You're showing tremendous strength.

[fern46]

I went for it yesterday and invited my mother to visit us in our home. I've been married for almost 11 years and she has never visited. My children have only met her once earlier this year at a gathering at my brother's house. She accepted and said she would be thrilled to visit. We are planning something for the week after next.

I am nervous everything will fall apart again, but I am holding on to hope that we can leave the past in the past and move forward. She hurt me deeply, but she was sick at the time and doesn't remember it all the way I do. I am ready to let it go and start over. She has proven herself to be stable for years and I don't have as much fear that she will hurt me again anymore. I am ready to accept the risk and handle it if it goes sideways. I can't get anywhere by continuing to avoid her.

Today has been pretty productive otherwise. I knocked out some chores, played outdoors with my children and got my daily exercise in. It is raining now, so I'm planning on a quiet and relaxing afternoon.

[wildflowerchild25]

Wander, I am so sorry you’re in this situation again. I get the feeling of not wanting to die but seeing no other way out. I hope this IP stay helps you get back to health. We love you! Don’t give up hope.

[Wander]

Originally Posted by fern46

Hey Wander, thanks for keeping us updated. I think it is great you are able to keep your phone. I wasn't even allowed to have my hairbrush when I was in IP. I also think it is awesome there is a gym for you to use.

Your mind is still chaotic, but your heart is working properly. You are still able to recognize that the staff is trying to help you and you are appreciative of their kindness. You knew deep down that running was a bad idea even though your mind is working so hard to convince you otherwise. You're showing tremendous strength.

Thanyou so much for your kind words, and thanks to all for the hugs. It’s 3.30 am an I can’t sleep. I am lucky to be able to bring my phone and use a small gym. I’m mostly using my phone for music as I can’t concentrate well. Right now I’m ok but the morning is only barely beginning. I always try to see the positive. Right now I only see darkness so I am almost literally sitting on my hands to restrain myself. I hope the increase in meds helps ASAP. I hate being in here.

[Wild Coyote]

I feel like I have been through a war.
I am exhausted. Wiped out. Cannot think.

Night terrors. Dissociation. Losing time.
Pdoc wants me to rest. I have been sleeping a lot. Am still resting.

I try to explain my status to family and, try as they might, they do not get it.

I do not get it either. Am hoping some rest will help.

Love to All~.

[tecomsin]

I have the flu. Yesterday, temperature was over 101, so too high to be a cold. It started with a blistering headache this past Thursday morning and evolved into a sore throat and fever. Now I am only having a mild fever but coughing and sneezing a lot.

I think that triangulation my sister did to me through my son is what made me sick. She is a toxic person to me. I feel thoroughly manipulated and her justification for doing this was that she was afraid to talk to me, again making me out to be the bad guy. So instead she makes stuff up and complains to my son, and then makes him promise to keep it a secret. So I get a secret interrogation over dinner where he is constantly texting with her on the phone only for him to call me later and spilling the beans. I do not know if I will want to see him again anytime soon. I feel thoroughly manipulated and used.

Also I can't just ignore my sister's texts. She has called the police before to do a wellness check when I didn't answer her texts.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by Scooter9

I got out into the garden today and mowed the lawn, removed weeds, and cleaned up.

Didn't do it last year at all and this is the first time this year. The depression kept me away from it last year. I think I'm feeling better compared to this time last year.

I had a really low day a couple of days ago so I'm not out of this 19 month long phase yet.

I argued with my wife last night. I got tired of being told that my answers are too short, that I'm not standing straight enough, that I shouldn't stare into space, that the inflection in my voice is causing people to be hurt, and a bunch of other stupid stuff. It has been going on for years. I told her enough! I said accept me like I accept you. I have not once tried to change her.

This is on top of the "discussions" we have about my bipolar. I put it in quotes because she doesn't even try to understand what I've been going through and she doesn't get how I can be functional yet as depressed as I say I am. I tell her it's purely intellectual, and that I'm doing things in an effort to get out of the depression. She thinks I'm cured and the meds I take are poison and will cause dimentia and all sorts of other problems.

It's all up hill. But I'm surviving and holding out hope that things will improve.

Hi Scooter,

I am glad you've been able to stand up for yourself. I think you are reminding us all to show acceptance within our important relationships. It is so easy to get stuck in unhealthy patterns with those we love. I'd like to thank you for the reminder.

So many family members and/or friends just do not understand what we go through, which can feel very frustrating and very lonely. I am going through this, too.

From my viewpoint, you've done quite a bit in just writing your books!

Yet, I might have this viewpoint because I know, from my own experience, just how debilitating depression can be.

I do think standing up for ourselves can help with our own self-acceptance, our own self-esteem. So although some rather irritating events brought you to the place of whether or not to stand up for yourself, you chose to do so! i congratulate you on this!.

I hope your wife will listen deeply and will gain a better understanding. Any degree of improvement in a loved one's understanding can help tremendously.

My very best to you both!

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by Wander

Second night IP. It is really tough. The urge to run in extraordinary so I been drugged heavily most of the time. I don't WANT to die but feel compelled too. Everyone here Is so helpful. They are doing all they can to keep me safe. Terror and fear hit so hard and fast at times I almost run away fro the hospital which would be futile as the nurses would call the police who would be difficult to avoid in time. So I have stayed in here after an almost run away yesterday.

On the plus they have a small gym and I can use it most days to work on my hip which is causing some despair as it has been stuffed for four months. Due to paranoid I haven't met any other patients yet but hopefully I can calm down soon and meed people. I feel so isolated. It is difficult seeing my Mum who is the only person wo visits daily and cares so much about me. Now I am graphically aware of her unconscious complicity in the abuse I suffered as a child it tears me apart to accept this, to accept her love, and to let the rage slide. It is so much more complicated but for now I would just say it is confusing having such a wonderful. caring mother who would do anything for me be the same person who let me down so bad.

SO. I still have a massive urge to run but have nowhere to go but death. I don't want to die but can see no other way out right now. For now I will let the staff sit on me, and medicate me, until things calm down. My Lithium and Ziprazisone(GEODON) have been increased. Not sure by exactly how much as I have not been paying attention. I have been on heaps of Seroquel and Haloperidol, and benzodiazepines also to calm me down. They help temporarily but don't tame the rage inside of me that is trying to destroy me.

Sorry for the long post. It is 12.30 am and I am very bored and lonely.

Hi Wander!

I am hoping the increase i9n meds is helping a bit by now.

I do understand, to some degree, the situation you find yourself in with your mom. It can be so very hard to understand why the same person who loves us so much could also be the source of (or somehow condone) so much pain.

I am not sure of how to resolve that conflict entirely. I do think it may be most helpful to you, for now, to accept your mom's love?

There may also come a time when you may need to confront her for what has gone on in the past. It seems clear that your memories of that, your conflicts around that, may not resolve on their own. You may need to confront this issue head-on, while in a safe environment?

I do think you will know if/when you will need to take this up with your mom.

(Sometimes I should just be quiet, too!)

I hope/pray you will gain each and every day.
Keep us posted!
Much Love~

[Dysphoria]

I'm just tired. Tired of living this way but I see no way out.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by Miss Laura

Anxieties are sky high.... got a letter for a benefit I receive I need to re-apply for it. I'm so anxious I don't need this right now. My worker is on holiday this week coming. So I'm like who do I contact. I'm gonna call my CPN on Monday I think. I have a number to call on Monday too they can help fill in the forms. It's a thick booklet argh! Stressed.com isn't the word

Plus I'm going to see Kylie Minogue tomorrow leaving 5 hours before doors open. Support act on then Kylie at 9pm and doors close at 10:30pm. Mega excited but mega anxious

Hi Laura!

Those claim renewal forms are well-known to create anxiety. I am sorry you are going through this.

It does sound like you are on top of things and will get this attended to right away!
I hope you will thoroughly enjoy the concert!!!

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by fern46

I went for it yesterday and invited my mother to visit us in our home. I've been married for almost 11 years and she has never visited. My children have only met her once earlier this year at a gathering at my brother's house. She accepted and said she would be thrilled to visit. We are planning something for the week after next.

I am nervous everything will fall apart again, but I am holding on to hope that we can leave the past in the past and move forward. She hurt me deeply, but she was sick at the time and doesn't remember it all the way I do. I am ready to let it go and start over. She has proven herself to be stable for years and I don't have as much fear that she will hurt me again anymore. I am ready to accept the risk and handle it if it goes sideways. I can't get anywhere by continuing to avoid her.

Today has been pretty productive otherwise. I knocked out some chores, played outdoors with my children and got my daily exercise in. It is raining now, so I'm planning on a quiet and relaxing afternoon.

Your open heart makes quite an outstanding impression. At least on me, it does! I think you are working through the steps to "allow for healing" within your relationship with your mom. You have opened the door and have consciously taken a risk. I feel you are very courageous in opening your heart, and your door, hoping to heal a relationship which has a history of past hurt.

And so, a reminder to me to reach out, mindfully, with clear intention of achieving a healthy, healing relationship, especially with people who may have hurt me.

We are all given such a tremendous opportunity to share here. I know I benefit greatly. I do appreciate your openness in sharing.

I am hoping you, your family, your mom will only be only blessed by coming together again.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by tecomsin

I have the flu. Yesterday, temperature was over 101, so too high to be a cold. It started with a blistering headache this past Thursday morning and evolved into a sore throat and fever. Now I am only having a mild fever but coughing and sneezing a lot.

I think that triangulation my sister did to me through my son is what made me sick. She is a toxic person to me. I feel thoroughly manipulated and her justification for doing this was that she was afraid to talk to me, again making me out to be the bad guy. So instead she makes stuff up and complains to my son, and then makes him promise to keep it a secret. So I get a secret interrogation over dinner where he is constantly texting with her on the phone only for him to call me later and spilling the beans. I do not know if I will want to see him again anytime soon. I feel thoroughly manipulated and used.

Also I can't just ignore my sister's texts. She has called the police before to do a wellness check when I didn't answer her texts.

Oh, dear tecomsin!

Yikes! You sound very ill with the flu!
I am very concerned about you. Will your son help you while you recover?
I hope so. I hate to think of you struggling all alone. Makes me want to make you homemade chicken soup!

About you sister: She sounds like a piece of work. The way you describe her... she sounds very controlling and in need of further boundary-setting. At the same time, I do fully appreciate that since she contacts the police, you feel she has you over a barrel. Geez! What to do?

When she contacts the police, and the police show up, have you ever told them your sister is a control freak and is out-of-line for calling them?

It's possible you'd feel they might listen to you.

This is a situation I think happens fairly often, where we are in a position in which others do, seemingly, have us over a barrel. In many cases, these people feel a false sense of power in reporting, to the police or to someone else, their "concern," and they feel their "concern" justifies plowing through boundaries! in reality, they are seeking something-- a sense of worthiness or a sense of power, or something -- for themselves and not for the one about which they express "concern."

Their meddling is truly not appreciated.
I wish I had a good solution to offer to you.

i hope you recover quickly, tecomsin.

Much Love~

[Wander]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

Hi Wander!

I am hoping the increase i9n meds is helping a bit by now.

I do understand, to some degree, the situation you find yourself in with your mom. It can be so very hard to understand why the same person who loves us so much could also be the source of (or somehow condone) so much pain.

I am not sure of how to resolve that conflict entirely. I do think it may be most helpful to you, for now, to accept your mom's love?

There may also come a time when you may need to confront her for what has gone on in the past. It seems clear that your memories of that, your conflicts around that, may not resolve on their own. You may need to confront this issue head-on, while in a safe environment?

I do think you will know if/when you will need to take this up with your mom.

(Sometimes I should just be quiet, too!)

I hope/pray you will gain each and every day.
Keep us posted!
Much Love~

Thanks WC. Sending hugs to you in your struggles.

As my Mum is nearly 70 years old I feel bad if I cause her more stress, especially over the horrific events in my childhood that she was unwittingly caught up in. However, as you have stated it may be for the best for both of us. It is tearing my mind apart knowing her deep love now and constraining it to such devastating behaviour in the past. I will probably get my parents and I to talk through this with my T soon.

I do love my Mum deeply and treat her with respect. Talking with her may be my only safe way out of this hell. Knowing the police would be on my tail made me pause but Last night I nearly ran away. I can’t take much more of this frantic panic. I’m hardly sleeping and although worn out I cannot wind down. Anyway, thanks for caring.

[tecomsin]

Hey WC, your so gracious to respond to so many people here. I don't know how you do it, with so much going on in your own life.

Yes I am on my own. My son is enjoying his weekend with friends. I don't feel desperate or anything and also don't want to make anyone else sick with whatever ails me.

The police will not tell you who contacted them and my experience is that if I try to ask them that question, it is taken as an indication of paranoia because no one would call the police just for their own ulterior motives... or so they believe.

I didn't know my sister disagreed about something I had decided about what i wanted done with what she had decided was my part of my dad's estate. It's a long story but technically she is the sole inheritor, executor and trustee, so she has all the cards.

She didn't tell me she disagreed with me. Instead she convinced my son I was urgently ill and he needed to get me hospitalized.

Once I wrote to her that I had changed my position to what she wanted, then she hasn't contacted me since. She had no genuine concern for me. She required that i change my mind without even telling me she disagreed.

She always had to have 100% her own way, hold all the cards and now try to destroy the relationship I have with my son. I am a bit angry at him to for going along with charade on her part for as long as he did, and texting her what he was discussing with me in the middle of our dinner conversation. It feels like a huge invasion of privacy.

My son at first didn't believe me when I said she had never discussed her concerns with me, but instead went directly to him. She also misrepresented my position to him. It was only slightly off from what she wanted but she made it into an extreme position so again she looks like the good guy and I look like the bad one. She has done this to me my entire life. It was my mistake for telling her I'd be discussing the division of my part of the estate with my son at dinner on wednesday. She used the intervening time to manipulate him into interrogating my mental status and questioning everything that I said.

[Wild Coyote]

I have many nieces and nephews and I deeply love each and every one of them.

One niece, in particular, comes by (at least) every 2nd Saturday of each month. She's so sweet and such a "bright light!" Such a JOY!!!

She's now in her early 30's, it's so hard to believe!

So, um -- I had to explain to her just why her uncle is no longer here. She had many questions. I did my best to answer her questions honestly. She's no longer a child. It was incredibly painful, as she had always looked up to him. All of the "children" have always looked up to him.

Possible trigger:

I am sorry one of my decisions has caused such pain and disappointment to my nieces and nephews; yet, I'd had no way of knowing he was doing any of it, not to mention "it all."

I am still in shock over "it all,"and I doubt I know even the half of it.

"It all" triggers the hell out of me, in a VERY big way, due to my childhood trauma history. I am dissociating, having night terrors, losing days...

"It all" engenders fury, disgust, and so much more in me, as a (somewhat) healthy adult.

I have no idea of how to come to terms with "it all."

Somehow, I must rise above "it all" because...

I have to work with him now, the creator of this shyt storm(aka "it all"), in order to negotiate a divorce settlement? !!!

I must sit across the table from him?

OMG!!! Heaven help me!!!

I just cannot imagine having to negotiate with him.(

I am all for amicable divorces; yet, sometimes... UGH... someone has gone way, way too far beyond...

[Blue_Bird]

Sorry for everything you're going through WC