Bipolar check in #37

Got my iPad last night. I really like it! Played around with it for a while. Got free $200 headphones with it, too. Haven't opened them yet, though.

In other news, I slept well, but I am also at my parents' house. (i.e., No mice to worry about.) 8pm until 4am. Solid 8 hrs.

I am having a relaxing day so far. I hope not to do much. Probably going to mess around on my iPad more.

I hope everyone has a good day!! I am sorry so many of you are struggling.

I had a colonoscopy last year and drank GoLytely for it. They told me I could add in a sugar free Crystal Light package to make it taste better, so you could check with them if you can do that. I found the hardest part was it was just a lot of liquid to drink and it took me so long that I was up all night doing the prep. The GoLytely itself was kind of gross, but not awful. I hope they figure out what's going on. Was this after travel to the Dominican Republic? On a related note I got giardia in the Dominican Republic several years ago. Fortunately there was a medication for that. I hope you feel better soon!

I definitely prefer weekly treatments. They've fallen on Friday which is my day off work. What's more, with the hospital being two hours away if I opted for the short series I'd have to go IP.

The GoLytely tastes like lightly salted water. I "think" there might be some flavor packets available through your pharmacy. (? especially "lemon.")

Love to you and to your furbabies!

EDIT: I also ask for an anti-nausea med incase I get nausea from the solution. It has saved me, a couple of times, from having to reschedule the procedure.

I hope you enJOY your new "toy!"

I jammed my right 3rd finger yesterday preventing a fall. It really hurts today.
my right ankle is still hurting. 12 days ago I woke up with it hurting just getting out of bed. sigh. It is not broken but don't know what is going on. I hobble when I walk. Going to do billing today, am very behind. Can't get paid unless I send a bill.
Hugs to those who need them.
((((((HUGS))))))
bizi

I had lots of scary dreams last night. I won’t even say the first one because it could be very triggering but it was awful. Then the second one somehow I was in Harry Potter and had to kill all the horcruxes. But I was being chased by dark wizards trying to stop me. I had to be very violent with one because she pinned me down and was about to stab me. It was terrifying. Awful, just awful.

I’m feeling down today but dragged myself out with my son to get a nice breakfast. RS is working today and tomorrow. Tomorrow my son and I are going to go to my grandparents house so I don’t have to be alone. I’m embarrassed to tell her how much I’m struggling. But I have to be honest. I’m not going to go into too much detail, just let her know. Because if I choose to go back to my old job I will have to tell her so I might as well let her know now. Besides my grandma has always supported me. She’s more like my mom than my grandma. She stepped up when my mom was too depressed to take care of us. She’s truly my rock.

I’m trying to watch my carbs to see if it makes a difference in my diabetes symptoms. I can’t get checked out until November. I failed the last two days. It’s very hard to go low carb for me. It means I have to cook a lot more, which I should do anyway because it’s less money spent out. I really want to make a nice Sunday dinner tomorrow but it’s still too hot to use the oven. It’s going to be 90 degrees on Wednesday! But by Friday it’s only going to be in the sixties. So cooler weather is around the corner. Next Sunday I’ll be able to make something good if I’m feeling ok.

We are under a boil water advisory yet again. The water company that supplies our water is a mess. They’ve had numerous investigations and administration changes and still can’t get their act together. Because of it, we only drink bottled water anyway. So we’re already stocked up. I’m glad I have a dishwasher, that way I can still wash the dishes without using bleach!

I got a new iPad about a month ago too. It replaces one that's about 4 years old, which is still good but my son needed it. So I bought myself the latest one.

It's expensive but it's got a great display and it's really fast. PC looks great on it

Today, much like the last day or so has been miserable. Depression came on fast and severe this time. I don't want to do anything and all my hobbies aren't interesting me. I find no joy in anything at all and that everything is hopeless. I just don't think it is possible to live a life with extended periods of contentment for me (not even happiness, I will just take contentment at this point). I literally just laid around all day doing nothing and I want to be nowhere near my family. All these meds and therapy and still can't function, seems pointless and a waste of time to me now. I spent 4 months in IOP earlier this year, look what good that did. This is more of a frustrated rant than me seeking advice, I've heard it all already and yet I am still miserable.

Didn't sleep well at all, but have been really trying to keep to a schedule in the hopes that it might somehow help me. So, just stayed up until my usual super-early wake-up time and went for my morning ride anyway. A bit dicey in spots, as it started raining a third of the way through. It is so dark here in the late autumn and winter that I literally cannot even communicate it. It's crazy. Not Alaska bad, but bad. Not good for my depression. Have done the light thing, but I'm not sure it really helped me. I always get nervous this time of year as the weather changes and we settle into that Seattle/Portland thing.

Anyway, got a little nap, as I was falling asleep in my chair. Feel better. Going to try to have a good day. And keep to my schedule.

good luck keeping to your schedule!
bizi

well its been a while since I did this... so lets see, I feel really down and worthless, like a waste of space, basically shi*.
I am still not able to get into my psych until the 7th, I have tried to get in sooner, checking with them daily. I know I need a med adjustment, and an increase in my a.d. because it is so low. the headaches are getting progressively worse, light sensitive, tremors throughout my body. tardive dyskinesia, trying to listen to music and distract myself. nothing feels good, I don't want to lay down, because I am in fear I wont sleep later on at bedtime. I have been googling tons of stuff online, reading what my mind will allow me to. hard to type but I am doing it anyway. flashbacks all day- all the time of all my mistakes I have made. I know that this stuff isn't healthy and isn't doing me any good because I cant change the past. I am isolating as usual, even doing small tasks feels like torture. that's all pretty much. so yeah.

My best friend that I did "everything" with was like that, too. He'd leave his phone 45 minutes away at his sister's place. It got to be that when he did this, his sister would call me and tell me "Ken left his phone at my place". He's leave it in the car, in his computer bag but not know it. Once, he left it at Costco. I just had to know that if he didnt answer that he was asleep (night owl) or left his phone somewhere.

When I had my colonoscopy earlier this year you had to bring someone with you to drive you home and they could not leave the waiting room.

Hugs. I know what it feels like to carry the weight of the guilt and shame of choices made when you weren't well. I also know what it is like to have those images assault your mind.

You're right, you cannot change the past, but you can fight like Hell to not repeat it. You are a fighter and you are making choices in the moment trying to help yourself. The moment is all you have. It is all you can control. Keep going, one moment at a time and give yourself credit for making it through. You are so much more than you can see right now. You've shown us wonderful and valuable parts of yourself by being in service to others on several occasions. That is no small thing. It's selfless and beautiful.

I know you like music. I enjoy your song selections. You have taste in music that matches a lot of what I enjoy. Sometimes though we need something that is of a different type of resonance to disrupt our thought patterns. I was wondering if there is anything upbeat and motivational you enjoy? Or maybe something soothing like meditation music. It might help break you out of this space if only for a moment.

I spent 2 hours writing back to one email today. On my phone- one key at a time, plodding along, hoping the email program doesn't crash and eat my email. At Starbucks. I only know this because of the time stamps. Second was an hour after the first and just as long.

Thank you Fern46. I really appreciate your reply. The mind is a powerful entity. We live with an incurable disease. There is no cure. But there are strategies and things that we can do to help it. It's just that I am trying to not dwell in the past. I really am. It's hard not to. I know that many feel like I do. You are right about all of this, I will try to be more mindful of what you said this.

Thank you for reminding me. The moment is all we have. Although, it's a lot easier said than done to remember that at the time. One moment at a time. Breathe in. Breathe out. One foot in front of the other. I got it.

You see, The thing is, I don't feel like I have done anything special for anyone. I am just doing what I would like done for me when it comes to helping others. Thank you for the compliments. I don't think of myself as wonderful or beautiful even though I do hear those things from others too.

The music I listen to is rooted in me for the most part. A lot of the songs I know are from a time long past, before therapy and pills. There are a few exceptions though. What songs do you suggest for upbeat and to try and help me out of this hole?

You're following the golden rule. It is golden for a reason. So much of the pain and the strife in this world would disappear if we could all follow it. I think it makes sense to take it one step further though. Do for others AND for yourself what you would have done for you. Loving yourself the way we want others to love us is important. I instantly recognized your kind and giving spirit when you arrived here. It shines even through the dark clouds hanging over you. Your truth is so much bigger than this one moment.

Music is a tricky one for me. My brain went nuts over music when I was psychotic. I stay away from so many songs I love just because like we both know, music can easily pull you into the past. But here are two of my favorites that are still a go to.

Imagine by the Beatles. It reminds me of some ideals we can all strive for. We can always imagine even when reality isn't what we would like it to be. Also Safe and Sound by Capital Cities. It is uplifting and reminds me in my dark times I'm safe and I'm stronger than my mind would have me believe. Enjoy, or hate it... Different strokes for different folks

Oh and if you want the polar opposite vibe of what you have going on you can listen to I Just Wanna Shine by Fitz and the Tantrums. I heard it for the first time today and it made me smile.

Someone tell me I can do this!

Its that time of year again.... Housing paperwork time. There is always a ton and off the top of my head , I can't place where a couple things I need are. I haven't even read the papers but I did open the envelope. This stuff drives me bonkers, insane, crazy, nuts, etc.! I feel so anxious about this! I couldn't fall asleep for over an hour last night because my mind was spinnig. I woke up the same way. There is no option to not do this. It MUST get done.

you can do this!
bizi

You've nailed it before. You'll do it again. You've got this!

I like Renaissance music, there's no words but I find the music uplifting.

My sister sent me an email saying that my brother wants her to go visit my father in the hospital, and that she doesn't wish to go. Firstly, she has an injured leg. Secondly, she, like me, has no clue what she'd say to our father. Like me, she feels it is a potential fool's errand. However, my brother does have the lion's portion of the responsibilities, in terms of my father. We know our brother is stressed. He works full time on top of it. I do feel for my brother. I may go see my father if for no other reason, than to relieve my brother. Actually, my brother hasn't bugged me to go, even though he did call to give me our dad's room number.

My dad is not in a dual diagnosis or psych ward. He's in a regular hospital room. Every time, almost, he goes in with alcohol-related breathing problems. Then, he goes home and does nothing different at all. I quoted to my sister what Albert Einstein said, that " The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results."

If I go to see my dad, I cannot give him sympathy if he has no desire to help himself. His doctors there have already heard the story. There's nothing new to tell. We're done begging him to seek aftercare, to no avail. What really does he want from us? I could ask him that, but it sounds like a rough question, indeed. He's not a juvenile and is not yet to a point where we should treat him in any such way.

My dad is an incredibly fickle person. He'll say he wants aftercare one moment, then the next day he doesn't. This has happened so many times that we no longer believe him when he says he wants help. He needs to make changes, but doesn't want to change. The sad reality is that deep down he'd like to travel back in time over 15 years ago, when my mother was still alive and fairly healthy. Hey, I wish my mother was still alive every single day. I wish my nephew was alive every single day. I still sometimes even grieve my paternal grandfather who died when I was only 9 years old. I know my dad still grieves the loss of his father, too. The fact is, loss is a very very hard blow to people's wellness -- especially when you are vulnerable to significant destabilization because of it. Acceptance is tough. Moving on in a positive way is tough.

Yes, thank you! It would be good to hear what lifts everyone up

I'm sorry you are going through this. It is terribly hard to stand by and watch someone you love continue to make decisions that hurt themselves when you can see a much healthier path available.

Considering visiting your Dad to show support for your brother seems like a kind and selfless thing to do. You can just visit with your Dad without any objective other than showing up. I am sure it will help your Dad just to have a friendly face around. Of course there is nothing wrong with not going.