Bipolar Check-In #38

Loving the fall weather! I've been enjoying the cold weather, perfect for coffee and tea, and relaxing with my cats and a good book.

My focus is getting a lot better. I've been reading a ton, on my fourth book in 2 weeks. I feel very calm and content in life right now. Next week I'll be pretty busy, laundry, grocery shopping, doctor appointment, getting maintenance to repair something in my apartment, going to a science museum, hanging out with my friend, and then church Saturday evening.

I've been keeping myself busy and in a good routine with sleep. Things are going well, I'm hoping to do some artwork today. I don't feel motivated to do that but I know once I make myself sit down and start the motivation follows after, it's one of those things where you just gotta start, that's the hardest part, and soon enough I'll be in the flow of it

Hope everyone is doing well

It was breezy yesterday with just a tiny hint of coolness to it so I called it a victory and had a blonde pumpkin spice latte to celebrate. Maybe fall will be here in the south soon.

Once it gets down into the 60’s, 70’s and 80’s, I’ll really start enjoying myself and my nephew’s football games. It’s just been too hot until now. It was 97F this week. That just doesn’t seem right for October.

I want to thank every one who contributes here. Your posts fascinate me, distract me during hard times and help me feel among people who get it.

Warm wishes to all and hugs to those that are struggling.

It's getting cool here quickly! Leaves are changing colors. Tourists are flooding the area. Basksets of apples and piles of pumpkins sit out at the markets and at the roadside stands.

I am thoroughly enJOYing sleeping with the windows wide open! It's in the 40's and 50's at night now. It's sunny and the colors are brilliant!

I am enJOYing the beauty!
Love to ALL!

s everyone...
So many wishful good thoughts to everyone.

Checking in.. I will try to be short.

I found a t recently, that I will see again next Friday.
I will try best to stick with her.. I hope we continue to click,..
It was a very impulsive appt booking, but I think it's a good thing that I checked in with someone. I was very scattered.

Today has been very odd. .. I can't sleep again... well the last two weeks or so have been sleeping much and been "off ".

I reread a note sent to a coworker, they replied that hope that I get some well deserved and needed vacation time... I wrote g/jibberish utter g/jibberish to them and I know in that moment those "nonsense words made sense".
Emails like That along with many moments of incoherent speech at work the Last week , has had me concerned.

I am thankful for kindness... i am thankful for understanding but realize it only goes so far.

I go on a trip tomorrow, in state.
I had booked something a few months ago.. and now it's hours away of departing. I do have worries that I'll ruin this. Or something will go wrong.

My friend (my ex and I want to stop calliing him that) will be going with me. He will drive.

I have felt pressured for time in a lot of sense, and been trying to as much done, but also checking in to remind myself it may not be possible and things will fall in place-- life isn't perfect - prioritize if I can. just reality of it all, along with my own delays of scattered and jumbled and blank moments.
I felt like I dissociated or something today while outside..things just didn't seem real and too much going on. I spent time in my room, which is a quiet and safe space. That helped a lot.

And now i am here babbling

I got my elementary records also, (as I was looking into brain mapping).
I was going to submit a thread to ask a question but keep editing it. Idk if I will submit it.

My elementary school records, they had a handicap of perceptual communication disorder ((I think/recall right now at least)) something I hadn't read on before.
I sent the paper work to my new t and will try to remember to ask her if she may give me some help on understanding...
I hadn't known this about me.. my parents.. they just had/have their own issues.

I've always been thankful for teachers in my life and now I am realizing even more on why.... I think it's good to recognize too, because their kindness probably helped me out so much.
I have been aware as an adult, that a lot of times I dont process information like others, but I try... or try best to.

I am doing well again!! I feel good! I need to sleep now! Have a great day, everybody!

(((((( wildflowerchild ))))))

I am very sorry you are struggling.

I know that I sometimes emphasize focusing on the positive, etc. I have to admit, this approach is okay for people who are in a place where they feel they can choose their approach.

It is entirely possible that someone is far too depressed and is feeling too paralyzed to feel any sense of having a choice. In these cases, this emphasis on the positive might make some feel guilty, or somehow "less than." This is not my intention; however, I need to keep this in mind.

I try to help people to discover they might have a choice when they feel as though they do not. Anything I share (type out) is as much a message/challenge to myself as it may be for anyone else. I learn a lot here.

So, I hope my approach has not been upsetting to you.

You feel the way you feel and your feelings are valid. It appears as though you are in, or are headed into, a full-fledged episode of depression and anxiety.

In all honesty, I feel for you and am very concerned about you. I am hoping your appt with your pdoc is soon. I think I recall you have a meeting this coming week?

The ongoing nightmares can become very exhausting and very disheartening, I know. I have been having night terrors for weeks now. It is so very trying.

It seems as though you are somewhat lost in your nightmares, in your depression, in your anxiety. I wonder how to help you to step outside of these experiences and move into a space where you do feel you have choices, which would feel so much more freeing than feeling so stuck in your current inner overwhelming and self-defeating experiences?

It was a very healthy move to go to the apple festival this morning. You were stepping outside of the overwhelming experiences you have been having otherwise. I hope you can continue to choose to do this on at least a daily basis. I think it will serve you very well.

I have been thinking of you, hoping and praying you will feel much better as soon as is possible. I am so glad you have the support you now have!

Please just hang in and take good care of yourself. You can get through this. You can work through any misunderstandings with your brother and with his wife. It is not all hopeless, even though it may seem so right now.

At all times, remember you are LOVED!!!

I also got to watch part of one of my favorite movies (don’t judge me but it was sister act ).

I wrote about some of the things that went wrong yesterday, but there were a few things that were quite memorable in a positive way. I'll start the day with them.


Going to conferences relating to mental health issues is quite rewarding. Just as gathering here at PC gives many a sense of community, going to conferences and seeing others face-to-face who deal with mental illness, drives home that we are not alone. I could only attend two of the workshops, but all of them were relevant to most everyone. I heard sad stories with hopeful ends. Learned about some new science and how NAMI, and others, are still fighting for more mental health coverage parity. Saw a marvelous dance performance of about 12 ladies that made me cry. One dancer described much of how I feel about emotional release and healing. I wish I had had the chance to talk to her afterwards.


I was happy to spend a nice day with my sister.


While helping to clean up after the event, I had the unique experience to work together with a very interesting man. I'm pretty sure he had a diagnosis. What it is, I'm not sure. My guess is that he had schizophrenia. He was an extremely positive gentleman who spoke one brilliant clang association after another. They were so amazing they bordered on genius.

I would like to wake up not consumed by anxiety and thoughts of self harm. That would be nice.


Lots of nightmares last night. Not my usual self harm and abandonment nightmares. Nightmares about being hurt and no one wanted to help me even though I was screaming for help. There were people right there but they were ignoring my screams. Then I had one about my husband. He was angry with me for being upset and we were fighting. I just kept thinking “I want to get back to RS”. RS isn’t angry with me for being upset.


I’m sorry I’m complaining so much. I should be more positive. I know many of you have it much worse right now.

Augh.... Why is booking a room on line soooo hard? I hate phones and for the life of me get the Radisson site to work. That's the hotel my daughter picked but I can't get it to work online by iPad or by phone online. Geese I thought hotels would make it easy to book? Bah humbug!

Thank you WC. I always appreciate your words of support! I promise no one here has made me feel guilty. I think that is just the depression playing mind games with me.


I do meet with my pdoc on Tuesday, and immediately following I meet with my T. She’s going to be shocked that I resigned so suddenly. Last she knew I was going to try to work through it. But I still stand by my decision to resign; I wish I could make as much money in a less stressful position but I can’t. I have to accept my place in life. At least I can still work, albeit not in the position I was hoping for.


I am trying not to be “stuck” in my depression. Today we went to target, the Halloween store (got my son a costume) and to the grocery store. It kept me busy. I also got to watch part of one of my favorite movies (don’t judge me but it was sister act ). So I am actively trying to stay ahead of the game.


I am a little worried though. My son wanted RS to see something in Minecraft while he was driving, so RS said “you have to wait, do you want me to crash the car and kill us all?” And I thought YES! That’s terrible that it’s coming to this. I’m glad I don’t really drive on the highway anymore; I have picked out the perfect spot in the past to crash my car. I don’t think I’d ever do it but the thought is there.


Yet, I am trying to keep on. I am happy I have the support of RS this time around. I can’t tell you how much of a difference it makes to have someone to talk to all this about. He accepts everything I have to say and doesn’t judge me. Sometimes I think I’m relying to heavily on him but I guess sometimes you just need someone in your life. I’m so used to being independent but then everything implodes around me because I’m not reaching out for the help I need.


I’m considering when I have insurance returning to the night IOP program they have in my area, IF I’m still feeling this way in three weeks. I hope I won’t be.

The Joker- horrid movie!


It was set in a nasty gotham city where the trash never got picked up and thrre were "super rats". Every scene was "dirty" looking. The joker/Alfred smoked in every scene practically and then there's the vivid coldblooded killings. Talk about gun violence! And this movie glorified it! The way they presented the mentally ill and psych hospitals. They made a point of showing that he got worse when he was forced to quit his med from being kicked out of the community clinic he'd been in.

Finally my mind has calmed down and I have some peace. Today I am going to try to get some momentum going so I can tick things off my to-do list. It is 7.30 am now so I can start slowly. The last month was a write off. My mid-term goal is to get a job but right now I’m too fragile from PTSD. Any pressure on me brings great anxiety. I’m so fragile. My T and pdoc don’t want me working yet as when I previously worked the last two years I took a lot of drugs most shifts to cope. This made it dangerous.


Things aren’t going well with my partner. He also has bipolar but he never has any insight so trying to resolve issues between us is near impossible. This is why we divorced in 2012. I love him but he’s hurting me at times and I refuse to be treated badly anymore. We haven’t spoken in over two days and I still don’t feel like talking to him.


Things can be great between us sometimes. I don’t know what to do. My T has met him several times and agrees he has little insight and doesn’t take responsibility for his behaviour. It is something I will have to put up with if I’m to stay with him. He’s my best friend so I’m not ready to walk away. Sigh ... Why can’t life be simple sometimes?