Bipolar check-in #42

My sister has an apartment now and she's going to be moving out soon to work in the city. She's just in the process of moving her stuff in.

My mom will probably continue the enabling even after she moves out. She hands her money and all that.

You're right that maybe my mom is afraid of the repercussions. I remember when my mom told her NO one time, and she totally flipped out. She said in text message, verbatim, "You obviously don't love me anymore. Thanks for nothing. I hope you realize the damage you're doing to our relationship." Manipulative and cold.

The one day I can kind of sleep in? Woke up 2:45. AM. Ugh. Going on 6 am now.

Other than that, just checking in with a quick update. BP-wise, doing alright I guess. Functioning.

The BDD though is kicking my ***. There is (literally) NO hope in that realm, and that's hard to live with. I really don't talk about it though because people think it is some kind of joke dx -- like, oh, "everyone" hates their body/thinks they're fat/what-have-you, so why is that even a thing? Except that it's NOT that. And if the umbrella gets that overly-inclusive, I'm out. Because for me it goes to the core of identity. And I do not exist. I try to make like it's ok, but it very much is not. And every.single.day it makes me want to die. Every.single.f******.day. Being triggered virtually every waking hour is exhausting. And depressing AF.

Sorry, this is turning into a rambling pity-fest. I'll stop now, because truly, there's nothing for it. This is my fate. End of story.

I shouldn't even have written this at all. Guess I'm just feeling the need to vent, and have no place else to do that currently. Sorry.

I'm a little fuzzy headed right now to find the right words, but I am glad that you do have insight into your situation. That's a good start. I'm sorry you're still struggling. I hope you can fight off the tormentors you mention, quickly. They won't have to be in your life once you've found the door to figuratively slam in their faces. I recognize that's easier written than done, though. I had a similar situation in the past. Mine are mostly gone. Therapy coping skills really helped me, but I had to practice, practice, practice.

This is a good place to vent. If your venting here has helped in even a teeny way, it's good you did it.

I’m glad you did vent, I hope it helped even if it was only for a few moments

You know I’m always around if you need an ear

I'm sorry your sister is such an abusive type. Or at least that is how it certainly appears. The only advice I can think of is for your mom (and you, if you like) to seek support in this matter. There are many places to get support and counseling for dealing with abuse. If there is alcohol or drugs involved, even Al-Anon could be helpful for some. Al-Anon is not for everyone, but it helps some.

It also seems like therapy would benefit your sister. Please forgive me if you mentioned this in the past, but I'd wonder if she has some psychiatric diagnosis of sorts. What you describe is clearly dysfunctional behavior/thinking on her part.

I see my psychiatrist at 2:30 pm. I guess I'm looking forward to it. My appointments with him used to be among my favorite moments of the month. I still like him very much, but I used to adore him, excessively. I believe stability, therapeutic processing of the issue, and being grounded has calmed that. Also, he used to give me very frequent appointments. I suppose to many, they're still frequent, but it was my reluctant choice to decrease them. I refer to this as "slowly lowering my dose of him".

I've been working on a memoir-like book off and on for a few years now. Damn, is it hard, in so many ways! I have no intention of rushing the process. There's so very much to learn. So much to reflect on. So much to remember. So much effort needed to hone my writing skills. [It's a different style of writing than I've done professionally.] And how/when should I end such an effort?

Shut off my alarm and went back to sleep. Overslept. I'm depressed though... and angry. Grrr!

Also, follow up- I'm pretty sure I was victim of a troll on that other site. It was my first encounter with one so it was a little nervewrecking. But they closed their account. I'm hoping that's the end of that! ...i mean there's a little fear they make a new account and come back...but I'm still hoping for the best.

I’m more anxious than depressed and angry... more sub optimal thoughts than usual have been intruding in my cave. Grrrr. Mornings suck (for me)

I do not understand trolls. I think it’s likely they will go elsewhere to feed... hope so anyway. They are a pain in the *** (understatement). It is not about you or anyone who is being trolled.

This sounds like a good shrink.. (I rarely talk about my location as I usually do not find it helpful . I know of nobody in this location who has found a good shrink .. but I guess I don’t know a huge number of people. It does seem to be a pattern though I did sort of adore the T who turned mean, for a while.

A memoir (like) book, interesting

I'm having a hard time motivating myself to do work. I'm not depressed or anything. I just find my current assignment boring as hell and I'm dragging my feet. Even worse, I know for a fact I could have done all of my work in less than one week's time, but it's taking me two weeks at this rate. I also don't know how to push through it and be effective. Like, to put it bluntly... this work SUCKS.

Instead of doing work, I've been reading and playing guitar for most of the day. And of course, part of my day was chewed up by going to the dealer for my car, too. I also spent some time online buying a few new books (physical books), even though I own a kindle paperwhite. I just prefer physical copies of books that I really enjoy. I don't know why; I just like to have them in my possession. I actually have some signed books, but these books I'm ordering aren't signed.

What's really sucky is that I try to read or play guitar, and then I remind myself, "Man, I really need to do work...." So, then stop what I'm doing and go back to my work laptop. After about 5 mins, I decide I don't want to do work because I am unmotivated, and then I go back to what I was doing. I'm just going back and forth, back and forth...

I'm going to try to listen to some music. Maybe that'll relax me? I don't know. I just feel sh_tty about not doing work... And my sister/dad situation is annoying because they're STILL going at it. I don't want any part of it, and yet, they're still pulling at my arms in opposite directions and getting mad at me for not taking their side. Figures...

I hope everyone else has been having a good day.

No, there is no alcohol or drugs involved, fortunately. I do agree that she has dysfunctional behavior/thinking -- but I think her manipulative behavior is perhaps the biggest problem of all.

I do think my dad has dysfunctional behavior/thinking too, in all fairness. He could benefit from a therapist. After all, his mom (my grandma) had bipolar 1 w/ psychotic features, which she was diagnosed with when she was involuntarily committed. (I drove her to IP.) I don't know if my dad has bipolar, but mental illness seems to run in the family, as does dementia (although I've heard mixed things about certain types of dementia being hereditary or not).

I know I'm not a doctor, but my sister seems more of the BPD type because throughout the day, she switches from elation and recklessness to crying and feeling hurt over minuscule things. But it's possible she is just manipulative and wants us to think she's crying and feeling hurt. I honestly can't tell because she manipulates so much. That's why I'm never sure if she is legitimately hurting or if she just is trying to f*** with us.

I'm definitely not a doctor or an expert but some of what you've written reminds me of a relative who I think has BPD and also probably NPD. They also projected so much onto me and constantly called me a ''bad person''. Their deceit, particularly with money, was extreme. I won't bore anyone with the details. She was/is very manipulative. I'm sorry your sister is like this, as someone else said, she seems like the antithesis of you.

That ***** hurt me so much.

But I'm (apparently) ''just'' a whiny *** baby
thanks a bunch
(not about anyone here)

Reading that article was like taking a trip down memory lane for me. I was huge into Hawkins many moons ago. I went to a group for years with, like, 5 guys and this was what we worked on. Love, love, love it!!

Thanks for reminding me that I need to get back to more of this practice!!

Just wanted you to know that I had a bunch of folks with legit BDD in my practice in my younger days. I just wanted to totally, completely validate your experience, from my point of view as a former provider. People who don't know it is "real" have a global insight issue they need to work on. But they probably won't.

I don't know if this is at helpful, but I once met a guy at a DBSA meeting with both bipolar disorder and BDD. I regret that I probably responded in a way that was most unhelpful, and perhaps unappreciated, at the time. I confess I was shocked when he told me about his BDD. I didn't understand. My response was surely a trite one. I told him I thought he was good-looking. I really meant it! If you're willing, could you share what a helpful response would have been?

I had a bit of a feeling it would be right up your alley

It’s hard to find motivation at times. The 15 min timer works for cleaning laundry etc

Maybe set a timer for 1 hour , work , take a break 30 mins or so then go another hour.

I’m so sorry your still dealing with drama , that exhausting and very stressful.. Can you just tell them you are DONE with it today ?? Are you able to just not answer your phone? Ignore texts?! I hate that your having to put up with this shyt

Would you Dad consider seeing a T ? I’m sure it could help

Your Sister does show many signs of Borderline from what your sharing. There is help but I think something BIG will need to happen for her to even consider that she needs help

Welp.... I’m sitting here looking at the bottle of my new med for PsA ... I’m kinda twitchy.. it’s a pill to be taken twice a day.

I’m going to wait until tomorrow to start. I don’t want to take it tonight and wake up dead if I have some funky serious reaction.... sigh

Birddancer, I''d read your book! Sounds interesting.

Best wishes and fingers crossed for your new med and a smooth transition.

I've been on a LOA from work for a couple of weeks. Today I got the sweetest text from a co-worker telling me how much I was missed.

Met with my T today. Among other things, she encouraged me to set myself the goal of participating in an organised ride like a century or the Tour of Napa Valley. Curiously, the talk of cycling inspired me to paint. In fact, I'm off to do the next stage. Ciao.

Another day. I am going to wax my kitchen floor before bedtime. While making the cleaner for the floor, I inhaled ammonia fumes. Now I feel a little ill. Stupid me. I just realized, back a couple days ago, that I have everything that I want, that which I will actually use on a regular basis. I reviewed my purchases on Amazon. I expected to find purchases of items that I would not really use, but just some things that I just want to have. Most all purchases over the past several months I have been regularly using, most of which has been of some to very much a benefit to me. So I think I am beginning to go the right direction with my spending problems. I now need to pace myself and only purchase items that I will immediately use, knowing that I can postpone just about all purchases. This will give me time to review my real need of those items, where by then I may find more important items to purchase, those that I really need.

Tomorrow I go into work. Someone made a big mistake, something I do not remember doing. If I did, I probably had a good reason at the time. So I look at this potential trouble for me this way. At best, they will keep an eye on me. So I need to be careful on how I go about my job. At worst, I will be verbally reprimanded, and provided with additional training. But more importantly, I do not think I will lose my job. Everyone knows I am new to the job. I am doing the best that I can. I cannot do anything more than this.

One employee that I work with is very lazy. I do not trust him, particularly since my efforts do make him look bad, without me meaning to do this. He may be connected to the big boss. So I have to watch out how I am being with him, and try to head off any problems for me that he may be responsible for in the future. His mistakes he may blame on me, setting me up by throwing dirt my way. At every opportunity, he does try to curry favor with the General Manager of the very large store.

My daughter has been having allot of trouble with her boyfriend, with who she has two children. He is very lazy. She does everything for them except work his job for him. Also his mother is taking advantage of my daughter, This is very stressful for her, permitting her little sleep. Recently, she did tell me that he is beginning to take her side in relationship with his mother. This may be a hopeful good start. But leaving him she is keeping as a possibility. She does want it to work for both of them.