Bipolar check-in #63

When it rains it pours. I finally got some good news and that the pending status on my wife's autopsy has changed to finished it can take up to two weeks to get the death certificate and it has almost taken 4 months to get this far.
I called my mother inlaw to tell her the news. Like none of us actually agree with the reason they gave us that she passed away from but I am at the point that it does not matter anymore I just want some closure. Well my mother in law went in the corners office a couple of months ago and said some things. When she told me about it I nicely asked her and told her to stop I am done. Well like last month she went in after they gave us the reason they think she died from and once again confronted them she told me about it and this time I was very upset with her and I straight up told her to stop.
Well after I called her and told her the news she called me like a hour later and told me she called a guy that her and her husband knew that years ago used to be the head corner Well he told her if she got a copy of the entire autopsy report he would go over it and if he did not agree with the decision he has enough pull to get the death certificate canceled and re do the autopsy. Now she goes on to say that even if the reason we think she died from is true that she know we can't sue but it would be good to get the truth out there. She said some other stuff and she wanted me to sign a release for the autopsy report I told her and that I was done with the entire thing then she goes on to say she would go get the paper for me to sign and I just kind of blew her off I was numb.
Well after thinking about it I wrote her a letter and emailed it to her and I told her how I felt I to her how much I loved her and her husband but that I was done with them and that I did not want anything to do with them and I was done. I told I don't know how long I would be this way but I told her I was done. I also told her that ever since I met them that I always treated them with nothing but love and respect but that she disrespected me and I won't take that from anyone. I then told her that they were a major part of my life and that they had been in my life for over half my life. I have known them right around 25 years and I am 48.

I am really hurt by her actions and I am glad I got my medications filled tonight. I was a good boy and only took the amount prescribed. It really hurt me to write that to her but respect is a major part of my life I may of not been a good father actually i realized I was a horrible father but the one thing my kids learned from me was to respect people and both my children have always been respectful to others.
I know she was my wife's mother but like i told her I was her husband. I actually regret giving the corners permission to give her information but my wife had just died and I did not think she would behave the way she did. It actually really hurt me because when I visited them it brought back happy thoughts of the times we all spent together but I told her several times to stop and she kept going on.

The one thing is not to sound like a jerk but I kind of need the life insurance. It is not because it would make me rich and it won't but it is enough to pay off my debts. I also really want to go back to work cause I think it would do me good to get out of this house but I can't do that yet cause I am on social security disability and if I were to get a job I would lose my insurance and I would not be able to afford my doctors or my medications. All our possessions were in my wife's name except for 1 car and our trailer home. if I wanted to stay on social security I would lose all my possessions and they would take my life insurance claim and put it into an account and my monthly payments would come out of that until the money runs out. I actually want that money to pay off my debts and actually have money to be able to afford to retire in 10 or 15 years and not be in a financial bind depending on the state to take care of me the rest of my life. I don't think I am being selfish and the only way I have been able to afford my bills now is cause my parents are helping me.
I am not saying I am done cause I want the life insurance. I really am done I love and loved my wife more that everything I mean she stuck though with me through thick and thin she was always there for me. When she died it honestly destroyed me like I said before if my dad would of not forced me to into the hospital I actually think I would been dead right now. I wish he would of not made me go in but just so you all know I am not suicidal.
My mother inlaw really hurt me the pain I feel is just horrible I know my wife would be mad at me but I honestly think she would agree with me. Why can't people just listen to what others tell them and respect there wishes. I am really hurt

Sent from my SM-N970U using Tapatalk

After another sleepless night last night--I tried a few things then just gave up, grumping in disappointment that the mirtazapine isn't working--I ordered a weighted blanket from Amazon. Has anybody tried that? I'm also recording some sleep meditations from Youtube to play in bed.

@BethRags

I'm glad your things came in the mail and otherwise things are going pretty well for you. And thanks for the laugh about the M&Ms.

Looks like things have gone right for several people and not so well for others... I can't even remember who. I'm so tired I wouldn't be surprised if I couldn't remember my own name. I'll probably sleep tonight, and it's just a few more days until I can go up to 100 mg of lamotrigine, which is where it starts to work for me. If it doesn't, and the weighted blanket doesn't, and the sleep meditations don't, I'm going to try to get some additional medication. I'm already researching it. I'll have to get it from a regular doctor; it takes months to get in to see a psychiatrist here. I'm hoping to find a doctor (my old one moved away last year) who will respect my ability and let me suggest the medicine most likely to work. I'm thinking over a tactful way to say it: "With all the things you treat I figure you don't have time to get into all these details, and anyway, I've tried a bunch of them in the past" or something like that.