Bipolar check-in #68

*Beth* · Aug 08, 2022, 12:37 AM

I just took my PM meds, including 50mg of Seroquel, which I hope will make me fall asleep.

I guess I'm finally accepting that I am a severely mentally ill person. It's taken a number of decades, like 1/2 a century, but there is some relief in finally realizing that yes, I truly am insane.

Fuzzybear · Aug 08, 2022, 06:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by *Beth*

I just took my PM meds, including 50mg of Seroquel, which I hope will make me fall asleep.

I guess I'm finally accepting that I am a severely mentally ill person. It's taken a number of decades, like 1/2 a century, but there is some relief in finally realizing that yes, I truly am insane.

wildflowerchild25 · Aug 08, 2022, 07:47 AM

Hello @JaneRedux and @cashart10 ! And of course @WindsThatBlow

Welcome back old friends, I saw that some of you are not in a good place right now, and I really hope you start feeling better soon

Aug 08, 2022, 08:03 AM

Just wanted to share a little more about my recent manic episode, which was unlike any i've had before.

I was not able to recognize myself!

I was so strong, assertive and loving. I didn't let people push me around. I didn't back down when people challenged me. I allowed myself to not be nice if the situation called for it and i was untroubled about my momentary ferocity. I let F-bombs fly and that is just unheard of for me!

I had many guests to my home, which is also highly unusual. I enjoyed the visits and when i tired of the people i was able to wind up the visit with grace. I felt such a warm love and compassion for others! I felt this warmth and light glowing in my chest!

I interacted with people with such ease, authenticity and authority. I was quick-witted and laughter was never far away. I've never laughed soooooooooo much! I was the leader in groups when appropriate and enjoyed that. I'm a Leo and have always felt my sign was wrong but apparently not.

Now, in unpacking and reflecting on the episode, i feel i was finally getting back to the person i was meant to be, before my marriage and divorce nearly destroyed me 26 years ago. I hope to see more of that person. I guess i'll have mixed-mood for a couple months now, so i'll still have flashes of that person before i descend into depression for good, for the Winter.

But i'm so pleased to have been more of the person i was meant to be, at long last. I think it may well be because it's my first full calendar year in menopause. A wise man told me in 1998 that i would probably not be happy until i was thru my child-bearing years as i was "fighting my biology." I think he was right!

I feel hope for the future tho, that with each cycle of mood i will get more and more of myself back. I haven't felt that good EVER, tho my Summer in Europe when i turned 21 and had a best friend who was loving, affectionate and in awe of me came close. I was the leader then too.

So odd to be getting to know myself at 55!

@Soupe du jour:

So cool that you are going to be a Bohemian! The urban dictionary defines "bohemian" as someone who is socially unconventional, especially one who is artistic. And you are a culinary artist and have the heart of a lion!

Mountaindewed · Aug 08, 2022, 08:42 AM

I'm not sure why I have crappy anxiety right now. Things were going good for 2 weeks. I ate a mini pizza for breakfast so I've had food. I had a couple cans of zero sugar soda but besides that coffee thing on Saturday caffeine has been sitting fine with me. I don't think the news was particuarly bad? Today. I don't know whats up to be honest. I still feel fine about going back to work and everything and I don't feel panicked about anything. So maybe I did just have a bit too much caffeine.

MuddyBoots · Aug 08, 2022, 09:37 AM

Did not sleep a wink last night. I took some Thorazine earlier and I'm feeling much calmer and I'm not hallucinating anymore. I think I'm gonna take it every 8 hours (what it says on the bottle) until I talk to my pdoc. I wonder what it's like to have some semblance of motivation.

Nammu · Aug 08, 2022, 12:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JaneRedux

Hello again everyone!

It's me, Jane, formerly whatever2013.

It's so good to see you all again!

I had my yearly manic episode during this Spring and Summer-to-date. I had tons of fun and lots of adventures. I met many people, even a former Black Panther! But i did a lot of foolish online shopping and started a shoe collection that was silly as my feet take special shoes and i only wear one single pair and those are sparkly Crocs i bought in person at Nordstrom. I figure i will consign the collection next Spring and try and recoup some of my investment.

I even had a romance with a younger man in June, young enough to be my son! He really pursued me and it was great for my ego! I broke it off as i feel i am better off on my own but it was heady days and i have great memories.

My depression is starting to creep back in and my boundless energy has evaporated. I keep waking up far too early and morning is the worst time of day for me. It just seems endless and indeed, when i wake up at 5:00am it's eight hours til 1:00pm and the time is long. I used to be able to sleep away the day while depressed, but that's not possible any more due to age (55) and / or reduced meds. I relax and enjoy my home as best i can and rest for hours (without sleeping).

I had COVID and that put the brakes on my mania nicely. I was getting tired of it. I just had mild symptoms of COVID. I made a full recovery with ease.

I was unaccountably kind to people in my drop-in while manic and got told i have a heart of gold! I even gave an anonymous gift of food to the former Black Panther when he talked about going hungry. But i was aghast later to hear him talk very negatively about homeless people and thought perhaps i had been hasty in my generosity. It was very discouraging and i have decided not to return to my drop-in for that reason and also i don't have the energy anymore with my depression. I just feel uneasy about being so kind to him when he's so ignorant and also upset with myself for being such a bad judge of character.

But i guess it's never a mistake to be kind and if the results were unexpected i just have to accept it. I didn't give the gift with any strings attached or even expect any credit for it. Maybe he will remember the generosity at some point in the future and realize it's evidence that there IS good in the world. I know when i was in crisis in the late nineties and i asked someone for a quarter for the phone and they gave me ten dollars, i never forgot it.

Looking forward to catching up with you all!

@Jennifer 1967:

I really enjoyed coloring my hair turquoise for this manic episode. A new 'do can really lift one's spirits!

@Soupe du jour:

It seems you are on the move again! I haven't read far enough back in the thread to see WHERE you are moving so i will stay tuned with baited breath for more news!

Welcome back.

Mountaindewed · 04:52 PM

I guess I take back that whole anxiety getting bad again thing. Our car crapped out on us in the walmart parking lot. It was the battery. My mom had to call AAA and they took just over an hour to get there. I was calm and me and my my just talked while he got there. The tow guy jump started the car with just a bit of trouble. Then my mom drove it to the dealership. It didn't even cross my mind to think of asking if she'd take me home. All I asked was if they had vending machines. So we got there. We had called ahead and they said to come in. It was a bit crowded but I got my chips and soda and sat down. But I was calm and not panicked. I wasn't feeling like I was in any danger I didn't think anyone could tell I was trans. I didn't think anyone was even paying attention to me. I did keep shifting positions and pulling my shirt down but that was it. My mom said the Prestiq is really working for me. So I'm guessing the anxiety I had earlier was just caffeine related.

This whole Ukraine power plant thing isn't causing massive panic either. Normally I'd be freaking out and be semi S. I'm just avoiding the news and thinking of other things.

wildflowerchild25 · Aug 08, 2022, 02:18 PM

My brother and SIL are having another baby due in March. I’m very happy for them but I found out through social media and not by personal text message. My brother said he didn’t know I was home, which is fair I guess because I have been trying to recover and I had just left on Tuesday. I didn’t tell anyone I was home, I relied on RS for that. At the same time, though, I am saddened that this is where our relationship has landed. We used to be quite close. I mean, after we both grew up a bit.

While I’m happy and excited for them, I know In my heart that I will not see this new child very often at all. I haven’t seen my niece (and by extent my brother and SIL) for many months, not for lack of trying on my part. They live literally ten minutes away and yet they are always too busy to see us, and when they schedule they cancel more often than not. So i just accept it now. I used to be really angry but honestly it’s not worth my anger. It’s not going to change anything and it’s only hurting me. So I’m content to just settle on sad for awhile.

I have to demand to be discharged from my IOP next week. I’ve been there long enough that I don’t recognize 75% of the people that are coming, and we’re going over the exact same material. I have to leave soon because I have to get back in to my pdoc’s office and that requires yet another “intake” (so unnecessary at this point) and I believe those are only done during the day. Obviously I can’t take a day off when I’m just starting my new job. They certainly wouldn’t appreciate that. I have a 90 trial period and I’m going to really, really try not to take any days. I’m not very good with attendance at all my jobs honestly. But I need this to work because if it doesn’t I’ll have to settle with a part time job and I’m just not ready to admit I can’t work full time anymore. It’s coming up soon for me I’m sure but I’m hoping with all the skills I’ve learned I’ll be able to make it a couple more years.

We have a “pig roast” to go to on Saturday and I’ve already told RS that if I have to watch a whole pig be roasted there is no way I’ll be able to eat it! Thankfully there will be many other dishes to choose from. It’s a large party with many people I don’t know and they’ll all be drinking. So we are probably only going to stay long enough to eat and let CR play on the slip n slide for awhile.

*Beth* · 07:47 PM

I guess I'll post a tentative welcome back @JaneRedux.

I hope that this time around we can make the best of things.

*Beth* · Aug 08, 2022, 05:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

I guess I take back that whole anxiety getting bad again thing. Our car crapped out on us in the walmart parking lot. It was the battery. My mom had to call AAA and they took just over an hour to get there. I was calm and me and my my just talked while he got there. The tow guy jump started the car with just a bit of trouble. Then my mom drove it to the dealership. It didn't even cross my mind to think of asking if she'd take me home. All I asked was if they had vending machines. So we got there. We had called ahead and they said to come in. It was a bit crowded but I got my chips and soda and sat down. But I was calm and not panicked. I wasn't feeling like I was in any danger I didn't think anyone could tell I was trans. I didn't think anyone was even paying attention to me. I did keep shifting positions and pulling my shirt down but that was it. My mom said the Prestiq is really working for me. So I'm guessing the anxiety I had earlier was just caffeine related.

This whole Ukraine power plant thing isn't causing massive panic either. Normally I'd be freaking out and be semi S. I'm just avoiding the news and thinking of other things.

Ugh, it is just suuuch fun to have your car get stuck like that. I have a feeling my battery is starting to die, too.

I'm so glad that the Pristiq is working for you. I was on it a couple of years ago for quite a while and found it very helpful. I think the only reason I went off of it was because I had to change pdocs and the new one switched my meds around.

*Beth* · Aug 08, 2022, 05:36 PM

Congratulations on becoming an aunt again

@wildflowerchild25, even if you seldom see your nieces and nephews. My situation is the same...my nieces and nephews are closer in age to me than their mother, my oldest sister, is. So I grew up being an aunt, which I loved, loved. I was with my nieces & nephews all the time. I thought we'd always be close. Well, I haven't seen any of them for years. It's very sad. I'm going to be a great-great aunt in October, but...whatever.

Yuck to the pig roast. Every year at the county fair here they have a roasting pig. I just look away. CR should have fun on the Slip n' Slide, though! You should go on it, too ! Those things are a blast!

Mountaindewed · Aug 08, 2022, 05:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by *Beth*

Ugh, it is just suuuch fun to have your car get stuck like that. I have a feeling my battery is starting to die, too.

I'm so glad that the Pristiq is working for you. I was on it a couple of years ago for quite a while and found it very helpful. I think the only reason I went off of it was because I had to change pdocs and the new one switched my meds around.

At least the guy doing carts at Walmart had some entertainmenf

*Beth* · Aug 08, 2022, 06:15 PM

I spent hours this week-end writing something I wanted to read in therapy. It is very important to me. I don't have a printer, so I sent what I'd written to my therapist, to her email, and asked her to print it out for me.

I got to the session today, asked her if she'd printed out the email. Oh, she said, she hadn't had a chance to look at her emails yet. In addition, she had to cut our session short because she had a dental appointment. The receptionist really shouldn't have scheduled me for today.

So she goes digging through her fu**ing email, can't find mine, can't find it here, can't find it there - am I sure I sent it? Uh, YEAH. I'm sure I sent it. She was extremely nervous and kept saying to herself, "Breathe, breathe."

So I stood up and said, You know, it seems like this isn't a good time for a session, so I'll see you Thursday. Oh, but, we can do the yearly assessment that's overdue. Okay, what the eff ever. So she asked me all these stupid questions, marked my answers on her computer. Then she said, Oh! I wonder if your email could have landed in my junk mail..."OH, yes! Look at that - here it is!" And she printed it out and handed it to me.

Wow, thanks.

So I can read it to her on Thursday, but I really needed to read it today. Now I feel like just cancelling for Thursday. How many times can that woman let me down?

I was so angry. I'm already raging inside, now I'm so angry I'm completely drained. After I left the session I drove to the blood lab, parked, went in. Oh, the blood lab here has closed, it's now way out blah, blah, blah. So I'll have to drive way out there tomorrow, I don't have enough gas in my car. I'm hoping that David has some cash on himself so I can put $10 into my car, which is just over a gallon.

When I left the parking lot of the medical building, as I was waiting to exit, a big white SUV was coming my way from the left. I suddenly knew I was going to step on the gas and let that big SUV plow into me. I HAD to do it. Then I thought of our group here, and how awful it would be if whatever-whatever happened, so I kept the sole of my foot glued to the brake until the big SUV passed. I drove home literally screaming and got home entirely exhausted.

Then I turned on the computer and see that Olivia Newton John has died. I cried. I cried. She was so much a part of my growing-up years, such a gifted and sweet-natured woman. I used to do my hair like hers was at the end of Grease, all big and fluffy.
---------------------------------------

Okay, I just called med dude clinic and they said they can get me in to see him at 5:30, so about an hour from now. Thank God. I'm hoping he'll increase the lithium instead of waiting. Because I have no ability to wait, it's far too dangerous. The drive over to that clinic is really short. Maybe one day I'll roller skate over there.

Okay, I'll stop typing now. I'm just soooooo ANGRY.

Love to each of you, except we'll see about Jane being back.

*Beth* · Aug 08, 2022, 06:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

At least the guy doing carts at Walmart had some entertainmenf

Thanks, I needed that

Aurelius710 · Aug 08, 2022, 07:35 PM

Today was good in a lot of ways! Bad in a lot of ways too. My bills were in better shape than I thought! One had a zero balance and the other had a small credit. So, I'm good until next month on those. The water bill and my bug service still needed to be addressed. Enter my father to make things complicated. "Eh, we'll come by tomorrow." he said. One of my bills (the bug service) had a noon deadline, so I called his bluff and came by. He... did not react well. I was also there to try and salvage the new job onboarding process, using family to push the process along and he was not having that either. He wouldn't let me have 20 seconds of peace before trying to push me out.

Anyway, bills are paid with the exception of water and utilities. The onboarding process for my phone job is still stuck in limbo, waiting on the people I've been in contact with to decide whether I can have a new drug test. The specialty warehouse from a couple weeks ago officially said no. The sub shop is accepting applications but not hiring. Why am I still pursuing this job, my dad asks? It's the best offer I've had so far.

The basic repair for my leaky pipe fell through with a useless product. The "plunger" to use the spray was missing and when I had a chance to return it, my day was in full swing. It's fair though. It'll give me a chance to discover where the problem's coming from specifically when the water comes back on. And I've got a more thought out solution courtesy of the hardware store.

Oh, and with the water being out a full week now, I had to give in and ask my cousin to use his shower. For the sake of the people around me.

That, of course, reset the "Unwanted Busybody Involvement Clock." and thrilled my dad that he was getting intel again.

Tomorrow, the water bill should finally be addressed! Soon after, I should figure out a fix for the kitchen sink. Hopefully, the phone job will get their act together and let me move forward, since everything's starting to get in order. I also meet with Voc Rehab tomorrow and the counselor should have some tips and tricks for the coming weeks.

And if hope become certainty tomorrow, it will be a good day!

Aurelius710 · Aug 08, 2022, 08:02 PM

I'm starting to reconsider staying in my hometown, even for my mother. He didn't just react poorly to me even having a bug service, he went spiteful accusatory and over the top. I signed up for that service with the idea of (in part) dealing with my father's obsession with me and bugs (of any kind). I haven't been able to completely address them in recent months either due to unemployment, hypomania and health concerns. I can't do it alone, the service is cheap and it (should) make everyone happy, right?

Admittedly, I was a bit premature in signing up, since my sure bet of a job fell through.
BUT
Threatening to disown me? He dressed me down for ten straight minutes. Five of those were spent calling me variations of stupid, incompetent, unthinking, lost without him, etc. Then, for the last five, I was cunning, predatory, greedy. I was bleeding my father dry in order to keep the lights on apparently. He ended it with a pontificating high and mighty "How dare you take advantage of me." "I'll disown you for needing help with a service I didn't specifically authorize."

Three hours later, he called me asking if I wanted spaghetti. Seriously. I'm trying to figure out if it's gaslighting, cycle of abuse or both.

It goes without saying, but I have no desire to be party to that dynamic. If I hadn't have "gone out into the world," I would have still been emotionally attached to my father's belief that everyone in the world is either idiotic or out to get you and sometimes I was too, depending on which one of his ever moving lines I crossed.

BeyondtheRainbow · Aug 08, 2022, 10:25 PM

I started IFS today. I think it will be a good therapy for me but it is a lot to think about. I left tired and have stayed tired. But that's ok. I'm excited to see where this goes. I told my therapist that right now it feels like the eye doctor: "One or two? Three or four? Better this way or that way?"

Otherwise I just ordered a whole bunch of shoes to see if that helps my plantar fascitis. I'm not sure PT is doing a lot. If they consistently did a specific treatment it would help but one person just has me do my exercises and then has the tech do ultrasound if the tech is available. The others do 15 minutes of exercises and 15 minutes of breaking up the scar tissue before ultrasound. If it's just going to be exercises I'll probably quit soon because I can do those at home. We'll see.

I hope everyone is in the best possible place tonight.

Nammu · Aug 08, 2022, 10:34 PM

Well it’s 10:30 and I’m wide awake! I took a 10 mg ambien last night but tossed and turned most of the night, finally slept after 8 am waking at 11:30. But it did quiet my head. The constant head noise has been with me since I went down to 2.5. I hate to say it but I think the ambien is a large part of my stability. I’ve been irritable and grumpy since getting that low too.

*Beth* · Aug 08, 2022, 11:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu

...I hate to say it but I think the ambien is a large part of my stability. I’ve been irritable and grumpy since getting that low too.

I agree. Your "vibe" feels different since you've stopped the Ambien. Of course, that could certainly be attributable to lack of sleep.

Nammu · Aug 08, 2022, 11:14 PM

I’m definitely a lot more irritable plus I miss a lot of aqua fitness too, and that’s definitely a mood picker upper. So yeah, from missing my sleep.

*Beth* · Aug 08, 2022, 11:43 PM

Weellllll, I'm rapidly losing confidence in med dude. When that happens I lose respect and when I lose respect I am kinda done and ready to move on. Time to make phone calls.

He seemed annoyed that I went in today, so soon after my last appointment. I suggested to him that we raise the lithium dose, but he was adamant about my having blood work done tomorrow for fear of lithium toxicity. That means I can't raise the dose until at least Thursday, because he has to get the lab result.

So he said maybe stop the lithium and try Depakote. Then he said we've tried a bunch of meds and none of them have worked. I reminded him that we tried "a bunch of meds" for sleep, not for mood stuff. Those meds didn't help with sleep, only 50mgs of Seroquel helps.

Oh, yeah, that's true, says the dude.

He asked me if I've felt any change since being on lithium. I said no...but it's been only 4 days. He said I should feel better by now. Ummm...??? 4 days of only 600mg of lithium and I should feel stable? Nah, I doubt it.

Then he said there's only "so much medication can do" (OH, boy, here we go with that one). That's the game they play. The way to get around it is to tell them I want to stop my meds. Then they start prescribing like crazy, insisting that I need to be on a list of medications. (But I THOUGHT there is only so much medication can do, Herr Doktor....)

I suggested that we raise my Lamictal. No, med dude says; 200mg is the maximum dose. No, say I - I have been on 300mg and was quite stable on it for a couple of years.

Well, if you were IP...but there's only so much I can do outpatient. Because they could do your lithium serum right there if you were IP. I can prescribe an extra 100mg of Lamictal, but it's off-label. (Who gives a f**k, if it works?).

Me thinking: whatever. Wasted my time and gas coming over here.

So they closed the lab next to the hospital and the lab I have to drive out to tomorrow is an 18 mile round-trip. I told med dude that I don't have enough gas in my car to make that trip. He looked at me, blank.

I came home made calls and found out that I actually can go to the ER to get a lithium serum drawn. Of course, there's the waiting (not a big deal, I can read a book). But I still have the gas issue, although the hospital is much closer.

I called David; he has $4 in change. I have $1 and some pennies. That's not even a gallon.

Right now I feel so done with the mental health system. And you know what? Even if I did go IP I know it would be a waste of time. I've done it 3 times before and all I ended up with was one less bra, because someone stole mine while I was there. Oh - and a case of ptsd because a crazy old lady tried to smother me with a pillow while I was asleep. Yeah, IP was reeeaaallll helpful.

So I guess the question I'm asking is if I really should notice a different after taking only seven 300mg lithium pills? If I should, then lithium isn't helping. If it's too early to tell, then it's worth putting the $5 of gas in my car to get to the lab.

@MuddyBoots No need to stay away, sweetie. We can spew vitriol together.

I do adore you all and I do expect that "I" will eventually return.

BeyondtheRainbow · Aug 09, 2022, 02:20 AM

[QUOTE=*Beth*;7239950[FONT=Verdana]

I suggested that we raise my Lamictal. No, med dude says; 200mg is the maximum dose. No, say I - I have been on 300mg and was quite stable on it for a couple of years.

[/FONT] Well, if you were IP...but there's only so much I can do outpatient. Because they could do your lithium serum right there if you were IP. I can prescribe an extra 100mg of Lamictal, but it's off label.

[QUOTE/}

I took away more than this from your message but I wanted to tell you that I was in a clinical trial that involved lamictal. Halfway through they changed the max dose to 300 mg because it was working better in people who were being given it. I don't know if they ever bothered to get FDA approval for the dose but they absolutely recommended it.

Soupe du jour · 03:31 AM

Beth and BeyondtheRainbow, I once took as much as 300 mg of Lamictal, too. That ended up too much for me, but I never recall any pdoc calling it a very high dose. I once read that doses for bipolar disorder are usually lower than for epilepsy/seizures. I also know that people with epilepsy who take it often get Lamictal level blood tests, while for bipolar disorder that test is rarely if ever given. I have had such blood tests many times for carbamazepine (Tegretol) and of course Lithium. Even initially valproate sodium (Depakote). Though oxcarbazepine (Trileptal) is like a cousin of Tegretol, unlike Tegretol, such tests are uncommon for that med in bipolar, but do exist, like for Lamictal. I assume for a similar reason.

Soupe du jour · Aug 09, 2022, 04:41 AM

This morning, I opened up to Hubby about my struggles. It was a helpful release, and he shared some of his, too. Many were much the same. Today I see my psychiatrist in this city for maybe the second or third to last time. Soon before our move location is definite, I'll need to find a new one. Always scary. As for tdoc, I cancelled my recent appointment because of my covid-19, and confess to not contacting him since for another one. I'm debating whether or not to say there won't be another. Either way, I will email him, of course.

We've already done some bit of packing and will continue today. So far it's just been decorations and little stuff in display cases. Today will be more art type pieces. Nothing we need to actually use. We then need to remove a lot of art on walls and have our friend help us fill in and hide the holes. That's a lot, as husband puts tons on the walls. This Thursday we head north for issues relating to where we plan to move. Luckily we can stay over night at s-i-l's house, as she lives only seven minutes from it. Friday we'll have appointments there.

The upcoming owner of the house we've been renting came over yesterday to look at items we offered to sell to him. He'll buy most all of them. A couple I will sort of be sad to part with, but they will be replaced. It's an emotional thing for sure. If we move to the place we're aiming for, there will be huge projects ahead of us. Intimidating ones. I'm trying to take things one step at a time.

Sending hugs to all here. Very big ones to those dealing with major challenges. I've wanted to more individually support, but I am in over my head this days, just trying to avoid a breakdown.

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Bipolar check-in #68

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