Bipolar check-in #68

Apparently nothing. Supposedly they are having trouble making the new parts correctly, they aren’t working. it’s a part for the transmission so it had better work!

So I saw my therapist and she's concerned because I can't hold a conversation. She sent an email to the nursing staff. I didn't tell her about the self harm thoughts and I forgot the whole convinced my nails were going to come off. The white noise machine was bothering me. She wants me to go out even if it's with my headphones on. I don't know, I don't feel weird wearing them waiting for therapy but out side IDK. She's also concerned with me smoking to escape. She thinks I maybe depressed. I have a flat affect, I guess, I always hates when she says that because it makes me feel so broken. I'm also realized I'm not eating enough real food and that's an improvement for me I'm going days on just protein shakes. I can't have all these problems by the time I move. So I came home to smoke because that's better then being freaked out by my hallucinations/delusions. Right now I have my headphones on and I swear H is talking **** about me but I know it's not true. but I can "hear" it. This whole thing sucks.

Your therapist seems like she's on the ball. I'm happy that your mental health team takes such good care of you.

Fixed myself some cheeseburger mac for dinner and some banana pudding for dessert. In the morning, I think I'll fix more Japanese ramen and pop it in a small thermos I have for work tomorrow.

Speaking of work, the customer who loudly talked about what a swell guy I was for helping him out? His item that he needed monetary help for comes in tomorrow. I'm going to call him to arrange a private session and try and keep his butt out of my "office." Again, I don't want his... exuberance to get me fired.

I had a quick chat with the PsychNP about the whole Lamictal situation. According to him, there was an initial typo on his end regarding the scrip and when I switched pharmacies that day, things spiraled. Honest mistake, weird solution, but everything's been settled. I also meet with him for a Zoom session tomorrow morning, so we can chat then.

Besides that, I gotta do laundry tonight and get some more lithium in the morning. Ran out last night and forgot to grab it.

Tomorrow will be an interesting day!

I had a lovely surprise last night. M texted and asked if she could come visit Saturday - Monday (as if she needs to ask). We’re going to float, go to our favorite Greek restaurant and go to the $3 movies Saturday. We’re also going to continue our competitive card games, play with the dog and cook together. I make a mean meatloaf, squash/zucchini/corn casserole and fruit salad and she’s a master with homemade breakfast pastries among other things. Finally, we’ll sip coffee together for the sunrises and sangria for the sunsets. Sounds wonderful.

It’s only a bit after 5 am and I’m already ready for the pool. Lol! Full sun today and 90F. Couldn’t ask for better. I have to get things ready for this weekend but I’ll stay for several hours anyway. Making up for lost time.

I hope everyone has a peaceful day. Much love

Oh, that too. There are so many "things" to be remembered. D-vitamin deficiency can be tested with a blood test as well.

Took 10 mg ambien last night, fell asleep in no time and woke up 15 minutes before the alarm. Signed up for next week’s aqua fitness and went to this weeks aqua fitness. The 10 works perfect. I’ll have to talk to pdoc about that.

Many people must be gone this week! There was less people in the pool today.

Not sure how much stuff you have. You could see if you have a local PODS company they bring out these large boxes basically and you load them up or pay someone to do it for you. They then take the pod and put it away then the deliver it to you when you are ready.

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I just came back from therapy. She agreed with my mom that I looked too thin. And then chewed me out about how many calories I've been eating and how many calories I should be eating. I told her I honestly don't know what happened because I haven't lost any weight recently. My weight redistribution just blew up all of a sudden or something. She said I should be eating about 2,050 calories a day. I said my meds make me not hungry and its hard to get calories in but the meds work so well for my anxiety. We talked about my pdoc appointment tommorow and she said its good that my mom will be with me. Kinda makes me wonder if he's going to have an issue as well with the way I look. We also talked about my possible egg and nut allegries and she is wondering if it happened because of the change in hormones and my surgery. I was kinda wondering the same thing. She said "I wonder if it will keep getting worse to the point you'll need an epipen and will need to read food labels." I told my mom that and my mom said she's jumping the gun a bit. Anyways after therapy I went to the store and got some plant based eggs since I do legit like eggs and they were one of my staples for a long time. I also went to Walgreens to get the type of melatonin I had been using before I ran out. I used a different kind last night and got 15 minutes of sleep after 10:45 so I am frigging exhausted and acting like a zombie today.

The plant based eggs were disgusting. But they didn't make me sick the way real eggs do. According to what I've eaten today and what my therapist says I need to eat, I need to eat a thousand more calories. Yeah not happening. I am just not hungry today. I got my weekly shot last night so I won't be hungry today. Tommorow I'll probably be hungry. Hopfully I'll be able to eat a legit amount before my pdoc appointment because he does have powers that my T doesn't and I don't want to to go IP because of him.

I just wrote like five paragraphs but half of it was the f-bomb so that's where I am today.
I already hate the new ACT team.

I am sooooo FKING DONE with not being taken seriously. I am fking done with this disorder--whatever the **** they want to attribute it to. I am so ****ing done with this life.

I was able to float for several hours on this glorious day, had a great therapy session and a good dinner from the church. It’s been a good day overall.

I found it necessary to change my phone number today along with my email address. I’m proud of myself for taking that step and creating distance but I’ll have to tap on the negative energy picked up from the situation that caused it. I’ve made some peppermint tea to calm my stomach and I have my weighted blanket wrapped around me and a good movie playing. I’ll destress tonight and start fresh tomorrow. Live and learn as they say. Trying not to beat up on myself for making an unfortunate decision.

Looking forward to some floating tomorrow.

Hope everyone has a peaceful evening. Much love.

Made awesome butterfly baked pork chops tonight. A few months ago our store had pork chops two for five. They were just the cutest things and I found a recipe for brown sugar glaze. They were awesome so when the store had a new ad last week two for ten I just thought it was inflation and ordered them. But I couldn’t find the recipe again! I found one similar though. But the pork chops were huge! Both mum and I only ate half, but so good and juicy. Served them with a veggie melody nice light meal. Mm 9/10

I'm feeling down, I guess. Here it is, September tomorrow and with the exception of 1 perfect afternoon a couple of weeks ago spent with Noah and Kim, the year has, thus far, been just too stressful and aggravating. And such a scorchingly hot summer. This one will be the kind of summer that stays very hot until November, with the only thing that cools the day down is an earlier nightfall.

What stands out in my mind for late spring and summer is the miserable aggravation I had with my therapist being out for 3 months and everything that went on with that. Isn't therapy supposed to be helpful...it shouldn't be an ugly mark on the year.

I have a therapy appointment tomorrow, I've missed either 3 or 4 sessions, and I don't feel any desire to go tomorrow. I was lying in bed last night and the painful months of Mary being gone and everything that happened while she was away - her single, accusing phone message to me - came right back over me. I felt the old hurt and anger and certainly no desire to see her. Yet, I recognize that I'm isolating like I haven't in a very long, long time. True, I am recuperating (hopefully) from being so sick, but it's very easy to slip from recuperating to hiding out.

I also recognize that it would be wise, I suppose, to go to the session tomorrow and tell Mary what's going on. Although, is there a purpose to doing so? Telling her this or that seldom helps anything.

I'm down to 600mg of Gabapentin. I am quite sure it's been causing stomach upset for many months. Fortunately, I haven't noticed a return of anxiety. Like so many meds, the Gabapentin seemed to work well for a little while then nothing, really.

Well, good-night from ever-so-sunny and oven-baked California.

Yes, I’m on stronger meds. Just not for anxiety. We’ll, I also have 1 MG clonapin but that’s about the same as the Xanax.

My girlfriend had a full knee replacement last Monday. It's given me new perspectives about the stressful role of a caretaker. @Sunflower123 and @Nammu have shared perspectives in the past, but until one has to care for someone 24/7 it's difficult to fully understand. GF can't get around at all right now, so I'm responsible for all the household work, making sure she's comfortable, doing her physical therapy with her (about 4 hours a day), as well as taking care of the yardwork & other duties I was accustomed to. I don't mean to whine...I just want to give credit to all the caretakers out there. GF will be up & around in a month or two, but that wasn't the case for Sunflower123's brother, or for her and Nammu's mothers. My caring for my GF is a labor of love, but it really puts the fulltime, lifelong duties of others in perspective.

Awww thanks @Buddha1too ; mum does do a lot for herself still and we have a yard man that does the outside work so that’s a huge help. She is in charge of her own meds thankfully cause mine are confusing enough. And though she does shower by herself she does let me know so I can keep an eye on her. I do do all the wound care. I do get breaks with my fitness classes and occasionally art classes. My sister helps out too as does my Nephew who does general repair. I do have more help than Sunflower gets from family. I’m blessed that way. It’s much harder when it’s acute care.

I do believe so much in the relation between "What we think"-- "How we feel" -- "How we act" and the other way around. CBT works well with me (I have tried other approaches and they have helped me partly - so I'm not saying that CBT is the only one for every one). After being almost isolated for the two years with covid, then moving and at last being sick with covid, I feel that I am being used to not succeed. I have heard that there is something called "learned helplessness". It is a long time since I have felt hypomanic like feelings, thanks be to God. But the depression sits on me like a heavy rucksack, as if it was placed on me to never leave after all these negative happenings the last 2 1/2 years. I have stopped therapy, cannot afford it and it stopped being helpful. The therapist didn't use CBT. I have tried to use that on myself, but it is hard when not having someone to work with. Today I have found an app against procrastination. It will ask me several times a day if I am procrastinating. If I answer yes, I will have to tell why. I will be able to measure my progress toward no-procrastination because of tiredness. After downloading the app, I feel hope. My breath is more open and regular. I hope to learn from this app and I have stored the address for another app that will help me to reach my goals. The last one is not for free, but if the anti-procrastination app can teach me to be more aware about when "my head is hanging of boredom or habit", I will continue with the other one for 80 - 90 $ a month. Life here I am coming ready to fight for my existence ...

A good day to all!

I'm up about two hours earlier than I need to be, but, to be fair, I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. I conked out so quickly, I left a bowl of ramen sitting in the microwave all night! Cold breakfast, I guess.

Work was a return to form. I had reasonable amount of sales (All of them showed up in the last hour and a half of my shift, so I'm not sure what to think of that!) and Mr. Exuberant didn't show, so I'm going to run with him being OK. I bought a phone of my own as well. It's not that fancy or pricey ($40 discounted vs my current $30 handset) and has features that help me at work and in general. A good investment, I believe!

The mechanic I chose for my oil change all but shooed me away yesterday. The ticket writer said he had too many cars and too few workers to cover them. He gave me a three hour wait time. I had that much left in my shift, so I could've said OK, but I indulged him and said I'll do it tomorrow. I'll wait as long as I need to tomorrow, because, you know, possible oil leak and I'm not going to buy quarts of oil every other day for my car!

Today will be day three without lithium. I ran out the day before last, spent the next day and a half dealing with a clerical error on my pharmacy's end (Which they were too prideful to admit might have been their bad.) and when everything was finally resolved, I forgot to grab it on my way home! I'm not forgetting it today!

Since I'm up, I figured I'd fiddle with my new phone, get all the bells and whistles how I like them, and eventually fix breakfast and lunch for the day. As the weekend is coming, my job should surely start to pick up!

I am still in the "I refuse to be beaten" modus. I have more to tell. One thing is that one feels overwhelmed by lack of stimuli and so suffer loss of motivation. The app gives a small sound. I will not hear it if I am not in the same room. Will use the next days to figure out how it works.

As you understand: To find a way to be motivated is one of my goals. But I have thought further. I will put myself up for a language course (to learn the language and most of all meet other people). It starts next week at the same day as my hiking starts (together with former friends). I don't know if this is foolish, because I know that I usually become so tired after hiking, that I need to rest afterwards. I want to challenge myself. I can try to have a "warm up dinner" in the refrigerator, heat it and do relaxation exercises afterward and then run for the language course.

I WILL CALLENGE MYSELF!

A continued good day to all!

I just got back from the DMV. It wasn't awful. 40 minute ride there, 15 minutes in the building, and then the ride back. First thing in the AM appointments are great.

Actually slept pretty good last night. First time since May I slept more than 3 hours straight without substances. Hopefully that means today will be a better day. Picking up my meds, already called the pharmacy, and they'll be ready later today. Tomorrow I go up to 100mg of lamotrigine. I'm still nervous about meeting my new pdoc. The last pdoc I had there yelled at me for bouncing my leg (I had to tell her where exactly to go). If new pdoc is a douche about taking me off a med I'm allergic to, I will go to the ER and tell them 1) I'm suicidal 2) I ran into traffic because a voice told me to and it sounded like a good idea at the time 3) I'm seeing shyt 4) It feels like bugs are crawling under my skin and 5) I'm on an ineffective antipsychotic and allergic to it. None of that is a lie.

Edit: I like how quiet my mind is right now.

How did you bake the pork chops? Every time I make them they come out super chewy.

If you can’t eat the calories drink them. There are plenty of high calorie drinks around. I know a large frozen coke at one of our fast food places here has 500calories or something like that (I think our large drinks are smaller than yours). Things like that can help get calories up. Or a smoothie might be healthier and have more nutrition - but not the diet stuff.

I've always appreciated your honesty, @MuddyBoots! There's no BS when you share or edit your posts. As you know, however, I'm a hopeless nag! If you're going to be getting your meds this afternoon, I might nag & point out that this isn't a good time to be drinking. I know you're feeling some relief from some pretty nasty symptoms right now, but the end result might not be good if you continue drinking (it's only a little past noon). Please be content with the little bit of relief you're feeling now. As you know, I'm a recovering alcoholic. I know how the old slippery slope works. I hope it's not the same for you. Take care of yourself, woman!

That’s very kind of you to say. Thank you.

I appreciate it, but I algready got my meds so I don't havve to be anywhere unless one of my cat decides to up and die on me and I gotta take them to the vet. I was thinking about going to aftercare today, bt it's $40 and I obviously can't drive now.