Bipolar Check-in #88 (again!)

Mountaindewed · Apr 26, 2025, 04:04 AM

I woke up at 1:30 after falling asleep at 7:18 and I'm bored. I have the funeral on. I did 700 reps with my ab roller. Then a total of 80 crunches with my bosu ball. I feel ok. Just a bit weird.

Scooter9 · Apr 26, 2025, 05:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

Finished watching final destination 4. Watching the 5th one tomorrow then I’m all caught up to go see the new one coming out in theater May 16th.

Had a good day, pretty low key day. Just chilled at home. Looking forward to the weekend.

I was feeling tired earlier but I got a second wind and now I’m wide awake. It’s going on 10pm. Just took a shower. Trying to decide what else to do. Doesn’t really matter what time I go to sleep because I can sleep as late as I want tomorrow. Kinda been a night owl the past few nights. Normally I’m in bed asleep by 8:30pm or 9 at the latest. Lately I’ve been going to bed around midnight sometimes later. Doesn’t really matter I guess when I sleep. As long as I do actually sleep

Been dissociating a lot less lately. I’m not sure why. To be honest. Could be from therapy idk. We were working on EMDR for awhile. Then took a break for a few sessions. I see her again next Wednesday. The general trend though is that it’s happening a lot less frequently. When it does happen I’m usually able to stop it now instead of it going on for hours on end and turning into panic. Idk what has changed but I’m glad it’s happening less.

I think you're beginning to experience that you can actually influence something that seemed to come as go on its own for a long time, dissociation.

I think you're doing it as a result of the work you're doing in therapy. It's indirect, but it's really powerful.

I had a similar experience with anxiety. It got into a pattern of coming and going, seemingly randomly and I accepted that and coped with it as well as I could. But with therapy, I was able to step back from the moment to moment ups and downs and realize that there are actually points at which I can influence what's happening. They were subtle and seemingly insignificant but they were there.

I think you're at the beginning of something that will help you a lot. Finally allowing some control in the chaos

Scooter9 · Apr 26, 2025, 06:52 AM

Oh wow, I slept 7 hours

First time in a long time!

I've been thinking a lot about my situation. Not circling or orbiting, but really exploring and challenging what I think are clear thoughts.

I think I've finally figured out that fear is at the core of how I responded to my world and how I interpreted what I thought was evidence. I realized that it wasn't a defect in the way I thought it was. It was raw survival, the only way to cope in a bad situation.

I was stuck in a pattern for decades, my whole life actually. It's just how I came to cope with what I found myself in, it wasn't a shortcoming.

I think it's really amazing that I actually play a big role in what's happening. I also have to respect that the choices I made were based on what I understood at the time which was the result of the situation I was in, something I could not control.

It's a subtle interplay. Now that I'm aware of it, I can reframe my existence and maybe finally find some agency and peace.

(Just the result of lots of - years actually - thinking)

unaluna · Apr 26, 2025, 07:13 AM

I exercised last night instead of during the day, then took a shower. I used to be afraid i would be too tired and hurt myself but i was okay - i have acquired some stamina. So this morning - what a feeling! I feel refreshed and ready for the day!

I usually tell myself, oh i cant leave the apartment until ive showered, and then i never leave. But now i can.

Blueberrybook · Apr 26, 2025, 08:34 AM

Stupid perimenopause, I am so nauseous. I HATE this! Waiting for Zofran to kick in. I really need to eat breakfast, but it's got to wait. My back is killing me in the way it does right before I start my period. Can't have my morning coffee either. Going to try to read some to get my mind off it. My app says my period is 14 days away, but I don't know, unless this is ovulation stuff.
Darn hormones!

Blue_Bird · Apr 26, 2025, 08:50 AM

I did some serious decluttering in my apartment. Got rid of 6 hefty bags of stuff. Now everything looks good and organized and not overwhelming me. My closet was stressing me out because there was a lot of stuff in it but it looks a lot better now. My storage closet (not pictured) looks a ton better too. I just accumulated a lot of stuff over the past 5 years and needed to get rid of a lot of it but I was hanging onto stuff “just in case I ever use it” but the reality is most of it sat in a closet for 3 years or more without being touched so I finally let a bunch of stuff go. Feels a lot better now.

Blue_Bird · Apr 26, 2025, 08:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Scooter9

I think you're beginning to experience that you can actually influence something that seemed to come as go on its own for a long time, dissociation.

I think you're doing it as a result of the work you're doing in therapy. It's indirect, but it's really powerful.

I had a similar experience with anxiety. It got into a pattern of coming and going, seemingly randomly and I accepted that and coped with it as well as I could. But with therapy, I was able to step back from the moment to moment ups and downs and realize that there are actually points at which I can influence what's happening. They were subtle and seemingly insignificant but they were there.

I think you're at the beginning of something that will help you a lot. Finally allowing some control in the chaos

Thanks

think it also helps that my new therapist is also a lot more effective than the one I was with for 8 years and is really experienced with trauma therapy. My last one was so nice but she just wasn’t like challenging me or working on trauma stuff and whatnot, we did light talk therapy for 8 years. And it wasn’t helping me grow or get any better, I just didn’t realize it till she passed away suddenly and I got switched to this new one that’s really helped me more in the past 6 months than my other one did in 8 years.

Moose72 · 10:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blueberrybook

Stupid perimenopause, I am so nauseous. I HATE this! Waiting for Zofran to kick in. I really need to eat breakfast, but it's got to wait. My back is killing me in the way it does right before I start my period. Can't have my morning coffee either. Going to try to read some to get my mind off it. My app says my period is 14 days away, but I don't know, unless this is ovulation stuff.
Darn hormones!

That reminds me…. My fertility friend app says my period should start today but it’s not really that predictable- every 2 or 3 months now. It tries.

For most of last year it was every single month. Nope. Just checked and it says day 1 is tomorrow and I’m on Day 63!

@Blueberrybook

Mountaindewed · 10:04 AM

I am completely off my Prestiq and for some reason I feel totally ok? I went from being a nightmare on 25mg to being calm on nothing. Also my aches and pains are gone. The only thing I did today that was different was workout really intenstly at 2AM and eat some fresh fruits and vegetables for breakfast.

Idk.

I even turned on a TV show instead of just watching nature shows and informercials all day.

Moose72 · Apr 26, 2025, 10:38 AM

I ate macaroni and cheese for lunch. Rarely eat that but it sounded good!

LadyShadow · Apr 26, 2025, 11:26 AM

Today is a good day. I got up late and lounged around a bit, then made my bed and took my morning meds with breakfast. I don't have a whole lot planned today, except maybe a few phone calls later, but it feels nice to relax without a care in the world. People talk about their kids driving, I wonder what it would be like to teach a grown person to drive who has never driven before. I think I would send him to a driving school too; it would be the best bet.

Grateful that I got my Microsoft Editor to work, I was about to get Grammarly again, even though they charge for their services now. I don't know why everything has a subscription now. Thinking about writing again. This would be a good opportunity to start writing my book. Any suggestions on how to get started @raspberrytorte ? I am the master at procrastination.

Congratulations @Blue_Bird for decluttering. I really need to do that here. I have taken over a 2-bedroom apartment with all my junk. I really need to do something about it. I also want to get into reading again, I just don't know what book to start. I feel like I want to start all these projects, but I don't know where to begin. Looking forward to a relaxing day either way though, tomorrow is church and a day with my parents.

Hope everyone has a great Saturday!

unaluna · Apr 26, 2025, 11:28 AM

Just finished 3 chores - my monthly meds box, my biweekly meds and breakfast biscuit boxes, and my stevia box. They are all sitting down chores, but very nitpicky! Im glad my pills are tiny, but sheesh! they are a pain!

Blueberrybook · Apr 26, 2025, 01:26 PM

Thanks everyone, I did send my daughter to driving school but she also needs to net a certain number of hours in different driving situations with an adult over 21 (daytime, city, night, freeway, etc.), and I am not going to be the one to do it because I hate driving so much, and you will not catch me driving on the freeway if I can help it. She & H just need to find time to practice more.

I slept 9 hr. last night, so things were a bit delayed from my usual schedule this morning. I did a power walk, and unfortunately was dissociating a lot during it though the good thing I guess was I was able to use the sense of smell for grounding as honeysuckle, magnolia trees, and this other tree I have no idea what it's called but makes nice smelling pink blooms in late spring/early summer are all in bloom (and fortunately I don't seem to be allergic to any of them). After my shower, I read with the SAD lamp, and picked up prescriptions. Then, since I was out, I went to Starbucks and got a latte and a tomato & mozzarella panini, a nice treat once my stomach had settled. After lunch, I did laundry and drew 2 pics (in creative corner). Probably will read a bit this afternoon then I don't know, lately I have spent a lot of my day reading. I really need to clean & declutter like you @Blue_Bird, but I really hate doing that.

I hope everyone has a fantastic Saturday!

unaluna · Apr 26, 2025, 01:37 PM

I think i drove ONCE with my mother. But i think that was mostly because she had no patience for me in any endeavor. When i was much older, i once sent her outside to shovel the snow so i could properly trim the green beans - she liked to leave them a foot long, i was like, thats just stupid! Then i am such a wimp, i confessed i tricked her. But i just realized, she was shoveling the snow for my brother

.

Blue_Bird · Apr 26, 2025, 02:13 PM

I’m glad you were able to ground yourself during the walk @Blueberrybook that’s great!

I hate dissociating when I’m out for walks. There’s so many people and cars and noises and whatnot it overstimulates me and intensifies the dissociation then it’s a nightmare trying to get home

Mountaindewed · 04:00 PM

My cough came back. Its this hoarse sorta cough. And everytime I do it my 2 year old niece says "Uncle Mountaindewed coughing." Also my stomach was fine all day and then I

Possible trigger:

threw up 3 times

now I just feel really worn out and exhausted again. Thats probably why I fell asleep so early last night.

My anxiety is still ok. My moods are kinda down but I still feel ok without the Prestiq

I fell asleep for an hour. Now I just feel nauseated and kinda anxious.

June08 · Apr 26, 2025, 03:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by unaluna

I think i drove ONCE with my mother.

I also barely drove with my mom. Same with her husband at the time. With both of them, there was a time I got out of the car before we even got out of the driveway because of how frustrating the experience was driving with them.

I got lucky, the DMV didn't ask me for a driving log to see if I had accumulated the number of hours I needed when I got my test. If they had, I would have been in BIG trouble.

June08 · Apr 26, 2025, 03:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blueberrybook

[SIZE="2"] I went to Starbucks and got a latte and a tomato & mozzarella panini, a nice treat once my stomach had settled.

I also went to Starbucks today as a little treat after my IV fluid infusion-I got their vanilla sweet cream cold brew. It's my favorite drink of theirs. I also like their brown sugar oat milk shaken espresso.

I'm glad your stomach is feeling better than it was at the start of the day!

Victoria'smom · Apr 26, 2025, 04:24 PM

Voices started again last night, giving me a panic attack. They're still around today but not as bad. I thought I was going to vomit it was so bad last night. I miss my dog. H tried to help but it's not the same. I feel bad bothering him with this stuff. I'm halfway through the book. I don't know if I like it or not. It's slow

Blue_Bird · Apr 26, 2025, 04:30 PM

I’m considering stopping my Thorazine but idk. I want to not be on so many meds it drives me crazy.

My current meds are:

100mg Zoloft
300mg Thorazine
30mg abilify
1500mg trileptal

And klonopin PRN

I just feel like cutting the Thorazine out would be beneficial

I want to just be on 2 meds. Not 4 plus 1 as needed. I feel like cutting down to just the abilify and the Zoloft. My psychiatrist isn’t gonna go along with that idea though because of my history. I just hate the idea of being on lots of meds. It worries me how they may be affecting me in ways I might not know of.

I go through phases occasionally where I want to quit my meds or cut them down and it never works out cause I end up doing it on my own drastically then I end up not sleeping for several days and end up really unstable.

I just ugh I feel like I’d have so much more energy without them.

Blueberrybook · Apr 26, 2025, 04:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Victoria'smom

Voices started again last night, giving me a panic attack. They're still around today but not as bad. I thought I was going to vomit it was so bad last night. I miss my dog. H tried to help but it's not the same. I feel bad bothering him with this stuff. I'm halfway through the book. I don't know if I like it or not. It's slow

What book are you reading?

Blueberrybook · Apr 26, 2025, 04:40 PM

@Blue_Bird I know what you mean about feeling you're on too many meds. Though I think if you are stable and sleeping okay I wouldn't mess with it. But that's just me, I'm a walking polypharmacy! Every time my doctor tries to cut things out, it seems to backfire such getting off clonazepam has resulted on my being on buspirone, propranolol, and hydoxyzine and an extra 50 mg Seroquel. On the positive, I'm no longer on a benzo, on the negative, I'm on all these others. I tried reducing the buspirone and that made my anxiety go up, I did get down from 3 propranolol pills to 2 daily, but otherwise, eh. Still, often I feel like cutting the quetiapine in half to give myself more energy, but that means I don't sleep as well and the last time I tried it I got manic. Definitely don't do anything without discussing it with your doctor first though.

Nammu · Apr 26, 2025, 04:49 PM

Yeah, I often have thoughts of going off meds. But I don’t because I’m stable and I’ve learned to embrace stability. But boy is it tempting.

Crazy Hitch · Apr 26, 2025, 05:12 PM

So tired and I slept 12 hours! Why do I feel so exhausted 😩. I’m on my 2nd cup of latte. May I get through this day…..

Victoria'smom · Apr 26, 2025, 05:21 PM

Quote:

What book are you reading?

child of time

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