Bipolar Check-in #88 (again!)

I just feel really sick but I see my GI at like 9:30 in the morning. I'm lucky I can get in whenever I need to basically and I don't have to wait months. If she needs to do an endoscopy she'll probably do it this week.

But I just slept all day. Idk why. I dreamt I was chewing on a really good piece of gum. But when I woke up I didn't have any gum. I didn't eat dinner and I don't have headphones. So I'm just kinda lying here.

I'm not really sure what a brain zap feels lIke but my head sometimes feels like flashes of lighting or something goes through it. Its weird.

I have a pdoc appointment tommorow too but doesn't need to do anything. I'm not going to tell him.about the heart disease because if he takes me off my Geodon I am ****ed. The prestiq is one thing. But I can't go without my Geodon and all other AP cause massive weight gain and I'm supposed to be losing weight.

I finally caved in and took 2 Benadryl because my eyes have been itching and watering for awhile and today has been especially bad

I wish things were how they were a week ago but like I think I'm just way more tired now then I was a week ago. Idk. I feel like they are pandemic different. Maybe ita just dissocoiation ****. I know theres depersonalization too. I had that in October 2015. I felt like my world wasn't real.

I feel all itchy like stuff ia crawling on me and I don't have my music to block out the noises I'm hearing. My bed is way too uncomfortable.

S. Sabathil & Son Ltd. | The Canadian Encyclopedia

This is about N3s harpsichord

About to leave for an early pdoc appt. I'm sure it will probably be routine, but ugh, I hate having to drive there. I really hate driving!

hubby woudlnt get up this am so ive ben awake since 6. so tired. long day ahead of me too. this Alani aint cutting it

Yup, @Mountaindewed, that's exactly what a brain zap feels like. It sometimes happens really often, like several times per minute and sometimes just a few seconds apart.

It can last for hours.

What helps me is to reduce stimulus as much as I can. Hold still, avoid walking or moving much, maybe close my eyes, avoid TV. Strangely, I can read on my phone when that happens. I think that could be because I can control the pace at which I read.

The zapps will eventually pass and it'll be slow but one day you'll notice that they're either gone or much less frequent.

@Scooter9 they were intense when I got home. I had to mute the TV, turn off the fan, put a hoodie on, and get under a blanket

Now I just have a regular headache.

My heart rate was the "get into see a cardiologist as soon as possible" type high at the doctors today. So idk if its all the brain zaps.

Is this the first time you're having brain zapps? It sounds like it.

It could be you were panicking or having a panic attack because of the zapps, but I think you have pretty complex medical issues, so maybe mention it to your doctor (I don't mean anything mean or rude about your medical issues, I'm just observing from what I've read in the past. No offence intended, don't mean to upset you if I did)

Listening to my ex being interviewed on a podcast about Disney princesses. He’s majorly into them!

Therapy today was a little rough. Part of my homework is to start using "the language" when talking about my issues -- which is a lot harder for me to do than it should be I think. I literally wince using those words in conjunction with loved ones.


Anyway, I'm just a little tired today. I hope today goes well. I may go walking later.

I had a rough night's sleep. Even though I accumulated around 8 hr. sleep, I had nightmares all night long and kept waking up from them. I hope that doesn't happen again tonight. Predictably, my cat Pecan woke me; @Blue_Bird I think Pecan & Mustachio are on the same wavelengths in the morning; I love Pecan, but I wish she'd let me sleep just a bit longer.

I got in a power walk as I'm still waiting on what must have been a sprained wrist from my fall over the pipeline guys' pile of dirt & shovels to heal since it's been 2 weeks already. I'm afraid I slowed the healing process doing pilates yesterday. I had time to shower then had to see the pdoc.

The pdoc appt. went well, no med changes except he's splitting the 50 mg midday Seroquel dosage into 2 25 mg dosages I can take either together or one in the morning, one in the afternoon, which seems to work better for me anxiety wise.

My mood is still pretty good, I'm stable, so I'm pretty boring! I read and drew 3 pictures. Only one of the 3 sort of turned out, hopefully you can tell it is a back view of a cat.

I hope everyone has a great Monday!

I have my cardiac tests Wednesday. My sister is taking me. The copay is $350. Why sure - I have that lying around. They don’t do monthly payments on copays either. My copay for the gastric study is $200. Well I guess I’m thankful that I have insurance so I’ll look at it that way.

I have become so stable over the past several months. My communication has improved, I’m much less triggered and am able to participate in family events. Instead of seeing these improvements and being happy for me, my family harps on my weaknesses. It’s hurtful.

Mom’s 90th birthday is coming up. We are planning to rent a cabin in the Smokies. I was all for planning a big party but she didn’t want that. She says all her dearest friends have passed. That is kind of sad.

Nice to hear your appointment went well, @Blueberrybook - I hope your wrist heals soon as well. Ouch @Sunflower123 at the copay, that's rough. I don't know why they make it like that, when they know most of us don't have that kind of money lying around.

Sorry about your troubles @Mountaindewed - I have never had brain zaps before, but they sound pretty scary. I hope your health issues improve soon, will be praying for you.

Congrats @Moose72 on the elopement plans! Things seems to be coming together nicely! I hope you enjoy your walk @Brentus - that usually helps me when coming off an intense therapy session, or just in general.

As for me, I am doing pretty well. Didn't do much work today because I slept really late. My CPAP says it was 12.12 hours! I can't believe I slept that long, but I must have really needed it because of the intense weekend I just had. I had three phone calls from Friday-Sunday, and they were just really intense. Things seem to be getting better with me and my ex, even though there is a lot up in the air. I managed to enjoy my time at my parents yesterday, and watch some good movies with my best friend. They really ruined "Last of Us" on MAX, ya'll I am so mad. I want to stop watching. Star Trek Picard is going well, even though I know the last season came out a while ago. Watched "KIng of Kings" for Easter too which was pretty good.

I am doing really well though. Money is really tight this week, so I won't be going out much. Wanted to go to the movies tomorrow, but I have to wait till next week. My Legions of Mary meeting is tomorrow though, I am looking forward to that.

I hope everyone is having a fabulous Monday!

Ughhh not looking forward to today. It’s an absolutely crap day on my timetable. 2 rough classes in a row Period 2 and Period 3. They don’t listen when I’m speaking. Maybe I’ll have to threaten to keep them in for a part of recess but then it means I miss out on a part of recess too! It’s a no win situation!

I’m not doing great. I keep thinking my meds are poisoning me and am also having a panic attack and am having trouble with grounding myself.

@Blue_Bird I'm sorry you're having a difficult time. Is there a game you can play to distract yourself or music to listen to or try to get into an audiobook (reading is hard for me when I'm panicking). Do you have lavendar essential oil or chamomile tea? That could help.

@Crazy Hitch It's wonderful your wedding plans are starting to come together!

@LadyShadow I'm glad to hear you're feeling more positive. Just be careful of that relationship with your ex; that's a tricky situation. He left you when you needed him the most, so that's a tricky thing.

As for me, I'm baking chocolate chip cookies from scratch this afternoon, my mother's recipe

We put mum’s picture in the newspaper announcing her 90th birthday, so people would know to send cards. She was embarrassed but did enjoy the cards. She heard from people she’d lost touch with. But yeah, she was lonely after she turned 90. Most people she knew were gone, she lost a lot of brothers and sisters.

Ooff the copay! I thought $40 was bad!

Glad you’re doing better.

Aww what a cute cat!

@Sunflower123 - Copays...ugh! I know all too well about them. I know it's time for my colonscopy (GI may do an endoscopy too I'm having some swallowing issues), but my GI doesn't have even a consultation appt. until May or maybe June, I forget, it's on my calendar. Just be grateful to have some insurance. It sounds like you have a wonderful plan for your mother's birthday.

@Brentus Abuse is such a hard issue. It's hard to think about, and even harder to talk about it to someone. I don't think I've ever told anyone everything I struggle with not even my husband. It's just hard.

I’m doing ok. Even if the hospital dreams were intense last night. Won’t go into it because it involves politics too. But I got up early and got one load of laundry done.

Ooo blueberry you read my mind! Chocolate chip cookies! Yum, I’m craving chocolate. Your life certainly doesn’t sound boring at all. I take 25 mg of seroquel at bed time I don’t think I could take it during the day. I’d be out like a light.

Bluebird I’m sorry you’re having a hard time.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu We put mum’s picture in the newspaper announcing her 90th birthday, so people would know to send cards. She was embarrassed but did enjoy the cards. She heard from people she’d lost touch with. But yeah, she was lonely after she turned 90. Most people she knew were gone, she lost a lot of brothers and sisters.

We did the same thing with my grandmother's picture when she turned 90 a couple years ago. She got a lot of cards and we had a party for her, not huge, but large enough that some people she hadn't seen in years came by to see her on her birthday.

@Nammu I really hate hospital dreams. I have both a regular hospital like I'm being prepped for surgery or something or even worse, the mental health hospital. Not fun.

It's a tough situation @Blueberrybook - the thing with my ex is very tricky, you're right. I am guarding my heart the best I can. There are so many circumstances that stop us from being together, but I continue to hold on, which is my own fault. I have no idea how things are going to turn out, I just try to get through the days the best I can.

@Blue_Bird - I am so sorry that it's tough for you right now. Like Blueberrybook said, maybe some mobile games, some Pokemon Go, or maybe some videogames would help. Also reading something, or listening to some music? Whatever it takes to get that one thought out of your head. Distraction would be really helpful right now.

I am in a bit of weird place right now. Thinking that I need to find a part-time job or something. I wish I had that Accounting job from last year. I don't have the discipline to do work from home at all.

I just yelled at my pdoc. In front of my mom. He is all like "I will absolultly not prescribe that weight med." "No. I won't raise your lamictal. Get labs done first and then "maybe" I will." Gary kept getting in the way the whole time. My headache right now is insane and my nausea is real bad.

Thank you all! I ended up taking a klonopin then doing like 10 minutes of progressive muscle relaxin and 20 minutes of meditation. And I’m feeling better now.

I am gonna play some games after I eat lunch here in a minute. I was playing some earlier and they are a good distraction

N3 spent the day at the library on campus and will do the same tomorrow. His exam is at 7 pm tomorrow. Apparently there’s a lot of material to go over. Then he has one more exam after that and he’s done for the semester. Plus he has to finish moving out of his campus apartment before Thursday.

I can't tell whats what. I didn't sleep well but I did an at home UTI test because I've been going every 10 minutes and I've had some burning. It came back as dark as possible.

So now idk whats prestiq withdrawel, sleep issues, UTI, stomach stuff, or just in general still feeling annoyed at my pdoc about today.

I guess I'll have to get antibiotics in the morning. Its not like during covid when they could just do phone visits and then send stuff over to the pharamacy.

I seem to just not be feeling good and my pdoc was just there to get pissed at. I mean when he is all like "I've lost 100 pounds on Ozempic" he is kinda being a douche.