Bipolar Check-in #89

I'm idk. Okay...no mad, I moved my appointments around and now I have to be alone for hours AND my parents aren't coming on the day they said. I bought food so it looks like we have. Special dinner for them that won't keep now we have to eat it without them. Our food i bought will be gone if they do come visit because it spoils. I'm just so frustrated that money could have gone somewhere else. It just sucks. I'm already pretty low and scared but whatever at this point.

I had a good day. Stayed in and ate well. Was able to concentrate both on tv and reading. Looking forward to the , Librarians, The Next Chapter which starts tonight after some sports thing. I’m wondering though if my ability to focus was better because I didn’t put my hearing aids in? Had to focus on the captions.

I still need to get a shower in but have plenty of time. It’s beautiful outside. Not too hot.

I still feel weak and ravenous. Maybe I'll just try some melatonin.

Think my mood is slowly going down. Not badly so, just a little under where I'd like it to be. And I think a lot has to do with one of the classes I "teach". I don't know if I teach them, or manage their behaviours more. It just feels like constant watch in that classroom. I document everything for coordinators to follow up. I'm tired of it. At least I finish today off with one of my really nice classes.

Thanks for the support @June08 and @Blueberrybook I made it through my fasting for my test without getting any sicker than usual. The ultrasound was only about 10 minutes long. I will have results in a few days. I'm so glad that's over.

I just feel normal today for once. The new antibiotic is going fine. I slept well and I feel good physically and mental health wise. I had a single serve vegetable lasagna for breakfast and it was a lot better then the 6 mini donuts I had yesterday.

I have to do laundry today and my sister and her family are coming over for memorial day and my nephew and bil birthdays.

I went through my mess of a closet trying to find a pair of dark jeans and a black shirt so yeah, my pain is gone.

Caleb got mad at me. Told me he “needs space.” We aren’t even dating!!! Wtf? I realize I’m still hypomanic probably but pnurse said I don’t need a medication change!

Watched the video of our anthem from yesterday. N3 was on Tenor 1 all by himself and the only other tenor was on Tenor 2. So you could hear them very well.

Gotta go grocery shopping for taco salad ingredients for my mom later. But how do I fill my time until then?

At Starbucks hoping my coffee buddy will join me. But he has an erratic sleep schedule so I never know what he’s up to.

Good morning, just spending the morning reading, then in the afternoon I’m gonna paint and practice violin.

Feeling pretty good, slept great.

I need to get Mustachio and Papi some of those heated cat beds eventually. Mustachio loves laying on my cable box all the time because it’s warm.

Have nothing going on today or tomorrow which is nice. Wednesday I’ve got to go to the pharmacy. Thursday NAMI is coming to the building to do a presentation. Friday I have therapy. Next Wednesday the 4th is my birthday. I’m not entirely sure what I’m doing to celebrate yet. Probably taking myself to the aquarium. Idk what else. Maybe a caramel macchiato and chocolate covered cannoli at a local Italian patisserie.

I'm doing well today, slept well. I took a walk, showered, read with the SAD lamp, did laundry. I painted a plum that turned out pretty well. I need to make lunch for my daughter & H & myself, probably will stream more Shetland on TV, read, have a lazy Memorial Day.

I hope everyone has a fantastic day!

I keep imagining these fruits on my cute little breakfast room wall - if i had one!

I am feeling pretty good today. I had a lot of plans this morning, but I just stayed in bed and lounged, and decided to get up and make my bed, shower and wash my hair, and then scrubbed my bathtub for half an hour. It's sparkling clean now and that makes me so happy, it's been needing a cleaning lately. I also spoke to my good friend from New York, who did an exercise with me using three of my best pictures, and helping me appreciate how beautiful I am and how to enforce that and help stop those bad thoughts I have been having.

@BeyondtheRainbow - glad your test went well, I was thinking of you. Praying for good test results. @Nammu - so glad you're feeling a bit better, I am feeling better too. I have really nice weather too, it's nice and cool and 60 degrees, but it's kind of cloudy and gloomy out. That's okay though, it's a nice day to stay home and watch a movie which I am going to do. @Blue_Bird I hope you have a really good birthday. The aquarium sounds fun! Glad you slept really good too. @Crazy Hitch - so sorry you're feeling a bit low, hoping things turn around for you soon.

With the gloomy weather, I am going to spend the rest of the day with the Netflix subscription that I just restarted. Kim's Convenience is a really fun show I want to start watching again. Also a nice film called "Two Popes" my guy has been telling me about. All the cleaning is done, I finally feel like I accomplished today. Hope everyone has a good day!

Having really bad dissociation at the moment. Tried painting for a bit and it helped for a bit then the dissociation came back and I had to stop cause I wasn’t focused enough.

Anyway, the painting isn’t done yet. I still need to add highlights to the rocks and the sand and water and the palm tree/leaves and add beach chairs. I should be able to finish it tomorrow. This is the one I’m doing to use as an example for the painting class I’m teaching.

@Blue_Bird Your painting is looking good so far. I'm sorry about the dissociation. I've had some too these past few days, this morning to the extent I walked over a mile while exercising and didn't even realize it because of the dissociation. Good thing it it's Memorial Day and traffic was pretty nonexistent. Maybe playing a game or watching a show will help? Sometimes reading helps me with my dissociation but other times not. Do you think the Lamictal is causing it or do you feel there's not really an identifiable trigger? Mine often seems to have no trigger other than flashbacks sometimes but usually not. I hope you feel better soon! P.S. Speaking of cat litter on the floor, I finally vacuumed in the garage today; we have 4 litter boxes (for 3 cats, for awhile we had 4 cats), so the kitties can make quite a mess!

Thank you!

I don’t think it’s the lamictal. It tends to happen when I’m overwhelmed or anxious and thinking about the past and having like emotional flashbacks. Today im feeling overwhelmed by my apartment because i feel like its messy and that triggers it probably because i have flashbacks to back when i was growing up with my mom and being homeless a lot and bouncing around from place to place. Cause like my apartment being messy automatically triggers the fear that I’ll get kicked out or something. I’ve never failed an inspection here so idk why I still equate my apartment feeling like it’s messy to suddenly me getting kicked out. It’s hard to change the ingrained beliefs. But when my apartment doesn’t look exactly like I want it to I get extremely overwhelmed and start having flashbacks. It’s really frustrating. It’s like no matter what I do idk how to stop the flashbacks. And as soon as they start the dissociation is kicked in.

Anyway, I’m glad you were able to vacuum! I still need to. My motivation tends to be higher in the mornings so I’m gonna try to get to it tomorrow morning.

Yeah I might read or play a game and see if that helps

I'm fighting the urge to say I'm fine. I'm not doing that freezing thing as much. I'm pretty sure I'm in a weird mixed state. I'm worried about the changes coming and Thursday. I'm trying to remember to breathe. That I'll be okay. I'm just going to cry Wednesday night. I start school in two weeks. I haven't finished my book that I started weeks ago. Immersive reading is so much better than me trying to read. H found this AI that reads the document and turns it into a podcast. So I'm going to use that for my textbooks. I hate that my reading threshold is so low. I don't know what happens if I do get diagnosed with ADHD. I feel I have a lot of trauma things coming up. I see my therapist Wednesday

I seemed to manage to pull myself out of the worst of the dissociation. I read for 45 min (Restarted Harry Potter @June08 ! ) and I did the Tipp dive reflex DBT skill. And I am now watching Bridgerton

There’s no denying my mood is slightly lower. It’s situational. I’m not coping with my one class very well. They’re a handful. I’m sick of moving students and telling students to keep quiet while I’m talking or sending students to senior classes. It’s draining. And I don’t see my pdoc for another 3 months. I’m on the maximum dose of antidepressants anyway so there’s not much he can do there.

Right back to dissociating and severe panic. Ugh idk what to do. I’m trying to avoid taking a klonopin as I took one 3 days ago. I can technically take them up to twice a day but I don’t want to do that.

Part of me wants to go to the hospital but I know they can’t really do anything for this.

Do you have chamomile tea? You can try drinking a cup if you have that. Otherwise, why not try the klonopin? Not sure what dosage you are on, but if the pill can be cut in half, you can even try taking 1/2 a pill first to see if it helps. Is there anything else you can try, do you have someone you can call and talk to on the phone that might help get your mind off things?

I don’t have chamomile tea unfortunately. But I guess I could try the klonopin. I have a massive fear of getting dependent on those. Even though I never have been even in all the years I was prescribed them I rarely take them, I still have the same bottle I was prescribed 4 months ago. I know my psychiatrist would tell me to just take one , I just for some reason have a fear of getting too dependent on them. But I’ll take one cause they do usually help

I’m on 0.5mg which can be taken up to twice a day for a total of 1mg

Do you have someone you could call and talk to on the phone to get your mind off your panic?

I can try my sister if she’s not busy, usually I find other people’s voices or presence pretty grounding

I feel you as far as becoming dependent on the klonopin. It's a bug to get off of, you build up a tolerance, and over time, my panic attacks became more frequent and more severe ON klonopin than off it.

Klonopin never stopped the dissociation for me either or lessened it that I could see. So there's that too...knowing (at least in my case) I'll always be dealing with dissociation probably my entire life...sigh.

Next time you go to the store, maybe pick up some chamomile tea?

Could you go visit your neighbor who used to have your cat? You could take along a deck of cars and play easy games.

I talked to her earlier and she said she wasn’t feeling well so I’m gonna try to visit her if not tonight then tomorrow, I might see is she needs her trash taken out