Bipolar Check-in #89

@BeyondtheRainbow - Good lunch with the abdominal US. Hopefully, you will get some answers and help for your GI issues. @Scooter9 I'm sorry you've had issues with walking & driving since your trial. I hope things get better for you. What do the people running the trial say about it?

I'm having a good Sunday. I woke feeling a bit tired in my muscles though so I opted for pilates this morning. I showered & read then I had a grocery curbside pickup. I put all the groceries away and folded laundry. Then, I sketched two pics (a pony & a manga eye) and painted an apricot. Most everything turned out decently (all in the creative corner). I ordered a larger set of water colors though as I am missing some of the in between shades, and that is getting annoying.

Hopefully, everyone has a good Sunday!

The urine culture from the lab came back abnormal. The doctor hasn't reviewed it yet.

I feel a lot better today. I'm not in any muscle pain or dealing with the tingly feeling throughout my body. My back feels fine and I was able to take a shower for the first time in a few days.

Mainly I'm just a bit tired. But my mental health has remained fine throughout all of this.

I go to the doctor on the 3rd haven't been in 2.5 years. I'm really concerned. I have tons of issues to talk about it's just I fail the mental health screening every time. I don't care about my mental health with her. I care I can't walk 2 blocks without resting anymore on good days. I care my pain tolerance is not really there anymore. I have no idea what will be blamed on my illness and what will be taken seriously. I care I'm still coughing after I choked. Mental health isn't even on my radar.

I just ate herring in mayonnaise. There was onion and it seemed to be pickled too. So far so good! My dad used to like pickled herring but he probably got the kind in wine sauce- he was an alcoholic! Only time I drink alcohol is communion at church. Other than that my meds- especially Klonopin- don’t mix well with alcohol.

Same with me and alcohol. It helps that H is a non-drinker. Rarely I use wine in cooking when the recipe calls for it. I think I could start liking wine a bit too much otherwise, I have that addictive type personality.

Yeah I get ya. I saw what alcohol did to my dad throughout my life and even until his death. His liver enzymes were through the roof so he drank himself to death.

The aforementioned Bob is the tuxedo with a cone on cause his tail was amputated. Big fluffy white one is called Casper. And the skinnier white one is called Sky. There were tons of other cats there too

Cute cats!

I love herring in wine sauce but it doesn’t mean I drink because of it. It doesn’t taste like wine at all. I do occasionally have a drink at bingo or when we go out but one is my limit and I’m not tempted to drink more. As a freshman in college I was a newby with drinking. Everyone else on my dorm had experience but me. We drank in rounds, I quickly learned that wasn’t for me and dropped out of the rounds. No body cared and they still asked me to come with them out to dance. I loved the dancing part. I just didn’t try to keep up with them on the drinking part. I was on a small all girls dorm and we looked out for each other. Because I wasn’t much of a drinker if we went somewhere by car I was the designated driver. But that was before bipolar ever reared its head. But alcohol and drugs just wasn’t an issue for me. I guess I don’t have an addiction gene. Plus my parents modeled moderate reasonable drinking. They only drank at parties and then in moderation so I had good influence that way.

Awww I wish I could adopt Bob.

@Nammu he was so sweet too, purred the entire time I was cleaning out his cage

I’m home now from my shift. It was a lot of work today cause there were a lot of cats. Basically a full house today. I think only one of the cages didn’t have a resident today. Feels good to be home relaxing now.

It’s been 9 days on Lamictal now and I haven’t had any issues with it so far so that’s good. We up the dose next Saturday.

I feel pretty proud of myself as I’ve been keeping up with my volunteer job well (I do it anywhere from 3-5 times per month) and starting in June I’ll be teaching a painting class once a month. I think I’m satisfied with that. No need to go throwing myself into jobs I can’t mentally handle like retail jobs again. I’m fine with what I have right now. It’s good enough. And maybe eventually add part time college, 2 classes per semester.

I had a very unusual response, one for the textbooks

The neurologist said all this would pass, and much of it has, so I need to be patient. I'm much better than I was before. At one point, I was thinking of using a cane because I was so unsteady (that was after I was walking with help).

I'm not used to regularly needing help from others, so it's hard to need someone to drive me. Thankfully, I haven't had to go anywhere except the hospital for the study. I hope things will improve soon.

Things are kind of good today. There was a party after Mass for one of our priests, he turned 97! Our Legion presented him with a plaque and a letter from our Bishop in Raleigh. Everyone was really nice, but I was kinda sad because I felt a little out of place. Usually I don't, but I felt off for some reason. I even wore a really pretty dress.

I don't know what it is, but my mood is sinking. I am thinking it's not even my guy anymore, there is something just wrong with ME. Maybe the fact that the lady from Tarboro who had the possible job for me didn't show up and I was really hoping for that. This job thing is causing me such distress. I know if I budget better, I will be able to survive on just my disability, but my rent just went up, NYS Unemployment wants their money, and I feel like I can't breathe. I don't want to struggle, but this is causing me so much stress. Also, losing that $100 the other day really hurt a lot. I wish I knew what to do. Worst of all, I can't tell my parents, I just can't.

The self-loathing is hitting me hard too. I know the reason I felt out of place at the church party this morning is because of how ugly I feel. I hate myself so much. Why can't I just be grateful for what I have? Why is this so hard?

I’m so sorry shadow,

Such addorable kitties!

There is no end to the stress money woes can put on a person. I don't know are you able to ask your parents for a loan in the meantime so you can at least see your T twice a month maybe? Explain to them the job stress is getting to AND that you still have not recovered fully from that horrific manic episode you had. Would they be in a place to lend you money for 1 extra session a month to talk to a T about this and everything esle (all the depression, no need to go into the depression with them, keep it at job stress and the destructive manic episode)? Or would your ex, I mean, if you're talking that much on the phone, or you wouldn't want the obligation that way?

I'm very sad today, like crying sad. It's like I can feel the entire weight of the horrors of the world on my shoulders, all the pain, etc., and I don't like it. Why do people have to be so awful to each other? Why do bad things happen to good people and why do people have to suffer and why have people suffered? I can't stand it! I FEEL the pain of it all and it hurts. What's the point, really? It's pointless. I'm not even making any sense I realize. I had to go back up to 30mg of loxapine because at 10mg I felt like I was losing my mind. Was hearing and feeling the negative entity, seeing it looking out through my eyes in the mirror, getting really paranoid, etc. I'm still paranoid to an extent.

I can SEE the world clearly now.

And it's a bad place that I'll, soon enough, no longer be a part of and in a hundred years be long forgotten, like all those before me.

I wish I had a good answer to that. I actually got into a fight while inpatient for saying "there are no evil people" and someone disagreed. I don't think anyone comes out of the womb intending to be an issue, but I think too many times along the way some wires get crossed and people become so damaged they damage other people. Even if they're intentionally damaging it, I don't think they're "evil" I think they just have either never had a chance to develop or lost their humanity along the way for whatever reason, and I don't think that was a choice.

I do know bad things happen to good people because bad things just happen and don't discriminate though.

@June08 did you ever finish re-reading the Harry Potter series ? I started re-reading it then got sidetracked by a bunch of other books cause my attention is so bad it’s hard to focus on one thing all the way through lately

@BeyondtheRainbow I hope the ultrasound is what you need it to be (either giving you an answer if that' s what you're hoping for or coming out clear if that's what you're hoping for)!

@Scooter9 I hope the ensure helps!

@LadyShadow I'm sorry you're struggling and that the job search is so hard.

I'm also sorry you're struggling @raspberrytorte

@Blue_Bird you have great timing with this question! I actually just picked up the 4th book today after getting side tracked for a bit. Between moving and wrapping up the school year this month, I hadn't read much. I've also been struggling to focus on reading so that hasn't helped things. But, now that I have more time on my hands again, I want to start reading more. At least a little bit each day (depending on how well I can focus). I'm almost done with the 4th book. I'm thinking about picking up a book from the library too so I can go back and forth between the library book and Harry Potter. Or, maybe read a bit of both books each day.

Ooh, Harry Potter! I never touched the series until last year (as a kid I thought it was for lame kids, haha, but in reality I just didn't have the ability to concentrate/focus and HATED reading, could barely do it. Got into AP English but I swear that was only because Sparknotes is a thing) and read the first five, but then started having problems focusing/reading and got a recommendations list I wanted to work on more than finishing the series, but right now I've got good focus so tomorrow I'm going to finish the one I own and am nearly done, Tuesday see if the library has The Incredible Journey which my psychiatrist gave me to read inpatient but I only got halfway through so I want to finish that (it's more of a children's book so it should only take a day if I have a good-focus day which the past couple have been), then I'm going to start the Half -Blood Prince which I have my own copy of.

I am actually feeling a bit better. I went to sit outside and spend time with my dad, instead of sitting inside thinking about how miserable I am. It helped a lot. It was fun helping him try to fix his lawnmower/tractor thing, there is no hope for it, lol.

I am starting to understand that this is something I just can't change. People are really miserable with their bodies sometimes, or miserable in their job. Those are the things I am struggling with, and it just seems like such a common theme these days.

I sat outside with the trees, clouds and birds for almost 2 hours. I am isolated at home in my apartment; I need to be outside more. I like that you guys go out and take walks, I think I really need to start doing that.

@Blueberrybook - I would never ask for money. from anyone. You make a great point that it would be for therapy once more a month, but I don't like the feeling of asking for help, even when I need it. It's always been a problem for me. My ex would probably give it to me and so would my parents, but I think it would eat away at me and would ruin the therapy because I asked someone for the money. It's stupid, but it's just the way I am. Great suggestion though, I would ask if I could.

@Nammu - thank you so much my friend. I am thinking of you too wishing you feel better too.

@June08 - Thanks so much, trying to find this job is really hard. All I can do is to keep applying.

Caleb was away all weekend. He had texted me that he’d be home in 20 minutes., I thought he meant to call to hear about his trip. He answered the phone then we got disconnected so I called back as usual. Then he texted me “STOP!!!!!!” Wtf?? He’s a jerk sometimes!

That’s a good idea! I like having multiple books going at once. If I get bored during one I can switch to the other and go back and forth depending on my mood.

I plan on getting back to re-reading them but I’ve some other books going at the moment. I’m currently reading the Throne of Glass series by Sarah J Maas

Food and weight talk



It doee seem to have been the body spray that was the cause and at least I'm not having any other side effects besides the hunger