Bipolar Check-In #92

Lady shadow. You once had two jobs despite your criminal record and you can do it again. I’m sorry it looks and feels so bleak right now.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu Lady shadow. You once had two jobs despite your criminal record and you can do it again. I’m sorry it looks and feels so bleak right now.

Thank you so much @Nammu - I don't know why I feel this way, but I do. I feel so hopeless. I haven't left my house in days. I need to clean I need to get groceries,

Possible trigger:

but all I want to do is go to sleep and just die

Sounds like you need to contact your pdoc. Anyway you can see your therapist more often on an emergency basis?

deleted - this was too negative, sorry about that guys

I'm having a fantastic day so far! Just feeling really good. I slept well last night despite H's snoring. I jogged this morning but cut it short because the heat & humidity was so bad. I'm very happy I listened to my body and came in when I needed it. I got inside and checked the outside temp, and it was 82F with 86% humidity and a feels like temp of 90F and not even 7 AM yet! Even for here, that is awful heat so early in the morning

I had my usual morning. My book is getting really good and I almost finished it. Painting went well. I wanted to do an easy picture because I'm going to the library after lunch, and I didn't want to have my painting still going then. Anyway, it was more a study of controlling the paints to get the effect I wanted, so tightly controlled watercolors but still in control of the wet-on-wet steps in the book using tube paints, controlling those areas where I wanted less & more pigment. The final effect turned out the way I wanted, mimicking the final pic in the book quite well. Still some tiny bits to touch up with white gouache but not too bad.

My weird neighbor knocked on my window at 5AM. I went and got my mom and idk what she is up to. I was still foggy from sleep so I got back to sleep right away until 8. But then she rang our doorbell. No idea why. My mom is going to see what she wants.

Today I mainly just paid off a lot of bills and worked out for a bit. This week was a bit busy with therapy and the heart doctor and the fridge issue. But it wasn't like last week.

I slept pretty good but late. Late because I picked up the Dave Barry book and yep, a lol book. Sad where he talked about his parents but still funny. Read way too late. That may be why I slept pretty well. Don’t remember my dreams tho, that’s sad, I like my dreams.

Outside it’s unhealthy for everyone today. But it’s a pretty nice day otherwise. I think people will be ignoring the warning and going outside anyway. Yesterday when I gave blood I saw so many people using the trails and being outside. Yesterday was a smoke warning too.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu Sounds like you need to contact your pdoc. Anyway you can see your therapist more often on an emergency basis?

@Nammu - I fought it out today on my own. The right thing to do would be to reach out to someone, but I don't want to be a burden to anyone.

I prayed really hard this morning, and fell asleep in God's arms. He comforted me and told me that he wants me alive, that I need to live because despite my criminal record, I am meant to use all my skills and knowledge to help people - especially in prison - the lady I reached out to told me she will talk to me next week about the jail ministry.

Maybe it's my path and my destiny to have my hands tied like this so I don't go off thinking I need to make a huge amount of money, but to do outreach, spread the word of God, help those in need of recovery and sobriety and give back instead of being so selfish.

I had to text my case manager because I haven’t heard from her or my Pdoc all day and I’m feeling ornery z and grumpy and pissy and like I’m melting. My thoughts are getting jumbled.

Case manager hasn’t read my text. It’s nearly the weekend. Fml

I'm quite. Feeling like nothing matters. There's no fires to put out so I'm uncomfortable. T says don't start a fire but that's exactly what I want to do. I want a dog while we're drowning in debt and trying to get through school. Everything feels like it's no point. There's no point in school, I can't work so why waste the money. So why bother. My thoughts are slow. Tuesday can't come fast enough but I'll probably just sit there quietly so even that is a waste. I'm sinking and I want to sink hard. It's good I have a nurse because I would have stopped medication already. My husband and daughter deserve someone that is functional. I can't be that for them. I see pdoc Monday, I don't want to go I have nothing to say. So it's about not spreading the hurt to others. I know I'll get better eventually but it sucks right now, I really wish I didn't build a family It makes everything more difficult.

I’m feeling okay today.

We’re taking my son to the Eureka Skydeck after swimming. It’s the tallest building in Melbourne! We’re going to catch a train into the city. He’s very excited about that part.

No rains predicted today. Just blue skies. The view should be spectacular on a day like today. I can’t wait!

Welp everybody at psych office is ignoring my pleas for help.

i just officially withdrew from social security benefits. feeling anxious

Feeling better. Took a really long shower, watched a good movie, and ordered some nachos from Applebee's - I know I need to do grocery shopping, but definitely wasn't feeling up to it. Blasting 80s music now. Just the ups and downs are so crazy - my mind feels jumbled with hopelessness, and hope all at the same time.

Bipolar is the biggest ****** I have ever known.

80s music is the best and those nachos sound heavenly. Keep practicing self care it’s so important!

Good evening. Got my yearly planner all set up with my appointments, events, and tasks, and whatnot. Feel a lot more organized. I deleted my digital planner because it was just stressing me out and making me bordering on neurotic because I was constantly checking on my phone obsessively probably accumulated hours a day on it and being overambitious about what I can realistically do in a day and I’d end up writing these long absurd schedules in it where my days were packed from waking up till bed time with endless tasks. At least with physical planning I’m a lot more mindful with what I write in it because I can’t easily get rid of it since I write in pen so I have to really think things out and consider it hat I can realistically do in a day.

Yeah I tried digital planning /time blocking for a couple years and it did nothing but stress me out and make me feel obsessive. So it feels good to let go of that. Deleted the app now I just have my physical planner. Which I’m trying to make sure I have downtime in so I’m not pushing myself to go go go 24/7 due to constantly wanting to be productive.

Currently listening to the anime Demon Slayer in the background while I write this.

Tomorrow I’m going grocery shopping. Getting some stuff to make egg custard pies for when my sister comes over next Saturday. And some stuff to make sloppy joes and various other thing.

Today I didn’t do a whole lot other than wash all my bedding. Did paint a hello kitty zombie though. Used paint markers for this cause I didn’t feel like getting my actual acrylic paints out earlier. I might start another painting later tonight. Really in a Halloween mood.

Work didn't feel as long as I was expecting it to today. We had a retreat and those can sometimes feel long. I'm feeling overwhelmed by everything I need to do this weekend. I don't need to go grocery shopping yet, but I probably should because i don't want to have to go after school one day next week. I definitely need to work on lesson planning now that I know what the schedule is for our first three days of school.

My mood has been pretty stable these first few days back to work-just some mild SI when I feel to overwhelmed. It's been a little hard to get motivated because I'm so tired too. And, I've been a bit lonely.

My foot felt SO much better today. Using the post-surgery shoe for a day was apparently exactly what I needed. Hopefully, that sticks.

They never called. Office closed! No one on call! I finally called my primary drs office crying and I’m going in to the Saturday clinic tomorrow morning where my primary dr works though it could be any doctor that I see.

So far I haven't heard anything from my neighbor. I am kinda nervous though. My mom tried going over there and she didnt answer the door.
I have my TV on at 4AM buy the sound is muted and my curtains are closed and I assumed they were blackout.

I just skipped dinner because I didnt feel like ordering out and I don't want to make mac and cheese and the fridge smells like the kiss of death so I don't want to open it to get one of my protein shakes.

But honestly this whole freezsr/gross food situation makes me not want to eat for a week.

I thought I hallucinated hearing an ice cream truck
But it was legit.

I tried eating pretzels but they keep going down weirdly and I'm chewing them really good.

Yeah. Pretzels didn't work out. Supposedly the narrowiing in my stomach makes swallowing hard but I've only noticed it with pretzels.

Exhausted. Again.

@Mountaindewed I had a neighbor at my last house who was bizarre from day one. Her yard was beside my bedroom and she'd sit in her yard and stare at my window. She encouraged her yippee little dog to bark at my cats (who were inside the house minding their own business looking out the window) and she just did weird things. She was also rude. If I had guests over and wanted to use my patio she'd have her dog out barking at us until we gave up and went inside. We were neighbors for 10 years and although I smiled at her and said hello if I encountered her we never spoke. She seemed absolutely paranoid about me. Things just got weirder over time and that was when i became pretty sure she had dementia. Some of what she did was still creepy but people with dementia are mostly harmless and she ever did anything bad, just rude or thoughtless depending on how much she was in control of her actions.

I did learn when I sold the house and a survey was done that I'd been mowing a decent sized chunk of her yard for 10 years.

@BeyondtheRainbow that sounds like my neighbor. I was getting out of the car the other day and she just stared at me. The lawn guy thinks she has some dementia. He said her house is pretty hoardrish. She had a caregiver come over daily for awhile.

...so I've had a week

@MuddyBoots they tried to treat a prolapsed uterus with Immodium? I'm so sorry. THAT should never happen to anyone. Have you gotten it treated finally?