[PinkFlamingo99]

Originally Posted by lostinsidemyself

Undiscriable....is it possible to feel everything at once to not know how you feel other then very unsafe, chest is heavy, shaking, and wishing i could curl up in a corner and disapear?

Wondering how long before it all kills me. Wondering whats at the end of the fight for me.....

Wow. I could have written this.

Terrified of my ambivalence toward my own safety and life. That feeling of panic like before you give a speech or do something scary constantly over the past month,?but no cause for it other than my fear of myself and that I don't want to get better more than I want to

Possible trigger:

injure or kill myself

. Trying to make my small supply of ativan last so that I can get through the worst times.

Just so so so so scared I will not be okay. Scared I don't *want* to be.

[Pastel Kitten]

I've been completely anxiety ridden, depressed, and overall out of control. My emotions are so overwhelming that almost anything triggers an intense anger outburst that I have little to no control over. I had one in public the other day and felt so awful for it afterwards. It's like I temporarily get "taken over" by this monster inside and a terrible energy consumes me.

[lostinsidemyself]

Originally Posted by PinkFlamingo99

Wow. I could have written this.

Terrified of my ambivalence toward my own safety and life. That feeling of panic like before you give a speech or do something scary constantly over the past month,?but no cause for it other than my fear of myself and that I don't want to get better more than I want to

Possible trigger:

injure or kill myself

. Trying to make my small supply of ativan last so that I can get through the worst times.

Just so so so so scared I will not be okay. Scared I don't *want* to be.

ME TOO! At least right now (to whats in the trigger code)...but the last part i never have guts to do....

[PinkFlamingo99]

Originally Posted by lostinsidemyself

ME TOO! At least right now (to whats in the trigger code)...but the last part i never have guts to do....

Me neither. I keep worrying everytime that I will though.

I'm getting written up at work today for leaving early last week. My yearly review was terrible and it hurt my feelings so badly that I had a panic attack hours later and ended up spending my break crying in the bathroom. So I said I had a headache and left early.feel like quitting, but no other prospects.

[lostinsidemyself]

Originally Posted by PinkFlamingo99

Me neither. I keep worrying everytime that I will though.

I'm getting written up at work today for leaving early last week. My yearly review was terrible and it hurt my feelings so badly that I had a panic attack hours later and ended up spending my break crying in the bathroom. So I said I had a headache and left early.feel like quitting, but no other prospects.

Weird! I mean Im terrified im about to loose my job due to now the 4th time getting caught going off on a customer. I work in an incoming call center as an internet & PC tech.

Hopefully im just written up...its gonna kill my abilty to get the promotion that I very much need & very qualified for but id rather be written up then to loose my job...

[PinkFlamingo99]

Well, got fired. Too unreliable and too emotional.

Thank god I have the flu and too sick to care enough to take this out on myself.

[t-raging]

Actually cried yesterday. Threw a fit, yelled at everyone for controlling my life. I'm on HRT and it makes me pretty numb and unable to have a whole lot of feelings, it sort of felt good to have a release

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[technigal]

Things are looking up, depression isn't quite as bad as it has been.

[lostinsidemyself]

Today im actually a lot more content then usual. Still worried about my job, anxiety is still out of control but for the first day in a while I think ive given myself a day where i didnt just dwell on everything. I dont think ive even thought of it today. Im just hanging out at home with my dog and 2 cats and watching tv. It feels nice, weird but still nice! Wonder how the heck people keep this sort of way of being, cutting yourself some slack? Not sure how I did it for a day but i wanna learn how to purposely do it...

[PinkFlamingo99]

Saw my pdoc today. Applying for medical unemployment insurance.

I'm sad. He's says it's not my fault, I'm sick. Not sure if that makes me feel better or worse.

[PinkFlamingo99]

I can't deal with this. As stupid as it sounds, my stupid job was the only thing making me feel "normal."

Possible trigger:

I bought razor blades but so far they're just sitting there. Waiting.

Worthless ugly garbage.

[dancinglady]

Throw them away. Why have the temptation just sitting there v

[PinkFlamingo99]

I still want to use them. Not ready to throw them out yet.

[dancinglady]

Just curious what would your current or past mental health treatment team say about you keeping them. They might put you in IP if you can't keep yourself safe.

[PinkFlamingo99]

They would tell me to get rid of them. Right now I want them there. I won't open them and I'll throw them out tomorrow.

I'm gettinh by on Ativan.

[lostinsidemyself]

Doing a lot better today, was exhausted this morning w/ a horrible headache from last night's post/rage venting but its since gotten better and i actually feel a bit less heavy. Still heavy, just not as heavy.

[PinkFlamingo99]

Originally Posted by lostinsidemyself

Weird! I mean Im terrified im about to loose my job due to now the 4th time getting caught going off on a customer. I work in an incoming call center as an internet & PC tech.

Hopefully im just written up...its gonna kill my abilty to get the promotion that I very much need & very qualified for but id rather be written up then to loose my job...

I work(ed) in an incoming call center too, resolving billing issues. Figured we worked in similar inner circles of Hell.

[PinkFlamingo99]

Originally Posted by lostinsidemyself

Doing a lot better today, was exhausted this morning w/ a horrible headache from last night's post/rage venting but its since gotten better and i actually feel a bit less heavy. Still heavy, just not as heavy.

Sometimes getting it out really does help. Before it explodes out, of its own free will. Then there's a mess.

[PinkFlamingo99]

Realizing some coworkers already defriended me on Facebook. Decided this is because I am worthless **** who nobody likes anyway. Possibly also related to the fact that I'm fat and ugly. Deleted about 90% of my Facebook friends, including everyone but 3 people from work I consider real friends.

Then heard from another girl that the one person at work I consider a real good friend was listening to the oher people talk about how I cheated the system and missed days and brought in doctor's notes from my psychiatrist, but mental illness isnt a real reason to miss work. It's not like I was "actually sick" or anything. Anyway this one "real friend" was just agreeing with the other people.

Feel like worthless subhuman garbage right now. I don't think a single person there really liked me. I feel like an attention-seeking, lazy, incompetent person with a made-up illness. It's bad enough I was fired for being mentally ill, now I'm wondering if it's even real or if I made it up. Feel piled under so much self-hatred. All I want to do is hurt myself. I never want to see any of those people again, and I was feeling sad about how much I was going to miss my cowlrkers.

My minister who has been such a huge support, source of strength and love for me is retiring in June. I'm not sure how to cope with this. She's moving away. Loss is heartbreaking and I'm so used to her being there.

Feel awful that my pdoc thinks I should apply for subsidized jobs for people with mental illness because "it's okay to accept extra help when you really need it." Something about being told he no longer thinks I'm capable of working a normal job is really sad. I also don't think he believes I'll recover anymore. Psychologist still thinks I will, but after the last serious SI incident, my pdoc seems to only care about my safety not talking about going back to school or aiming for recovery. If I mention something like going back to school it's "let's make sure you're physically safe for now." What kind of life is that? "Well, at least I'm safe."

Feel like giving up so badly. I'm 33, is it time?

[lostinsidemyself]

Originally Posted by PinkFlamingo99

Sometimes getting it out really does help. Before it explodes out, of its own free will. Then there's a mess.

Agreed and id post it here but its too graphic and i dont want to link anyone cuz its on 'the other site' and im not trying to advertise it but afterwards i wanted to cut bad, i tapped into raw strong emotions but i did it at bedtime so fell asleep before i could

[dancinglady]

Originally Posted by PinkFlamingo99

Realizing some coworkers already defriended me on Facebook. Decided this is because I am worthless **** who nobody likes anyway. Possibly also related to the fact that I'm fat and ugly. Deleted about 90% of my Facebook friends, including everyone but 3 people from work I consider real friends.

Then heard from another girl that the one person at work I consider a real good friend was listening to the oher people talk about how I cheated the system and missed days and brought in doctor's notes from my psychiatrist, but mental illness isnt a real reason to miss work. It's not like I was "actually sick" or anything. Anyway this one "real friend" was just agreeing with the other people.

Feel like worthless subhuman garbage right now. I don't think a single person there really liked me. I feel like an attention-seeking, lazy, incompetent person with a made-up illness. It's bad enough I was fired for being mentally ill, now I'm wondering if it's even real or if I made it up. Feel piled under so much self-hatred. All I want to do is hurt myself. I never want to see any of those people again, and I was feeling sad about how much I was going to miss my cowlrkers.

My minister who has been such a huge support, source of strength and love for me is retiring in June. I'm not sure how to cope with this. She's moving away. Loss is heartbreaking and I'm so used to her being there.

Feel awful that my pdoc thinks I should apply for subsidized jobs for people with mental illness because "it's okay to accept extra help when you really need it." Something about being told he no longer thinks I'm capable of working a normal job is really sad. I also don't think he believes I'll recover anymore. Psychologist still thinks I will, but after the last serious SI incident, my pdoc seems to only care about my safety not talking about going back to school or aiming for recovery. If I mention something like going back to school it's "let's make sure you're physically safe for now." What kind of life is that? "Well, at least I'm safe."

Feel like giving up so badly. I'm 33, is it time?

You know you are only 33. I know that seems old to you but I am 65. Sometimes we need a break to get better and relax. Let them work with you and you will come out healthier. It is a safe and healthy life. Think about doing some volunteering.

[PinkFlamingo99]

BPD problems: you know you SHOULD be freaking out and wanting to SI, but you're too sick with the flu to care.

[technigal]

I want to die, not really but I want to stop coughing up my lungs all the time. Doc gave me a script for antibiotics. Can't wait until hubby gets home and we can get it filled.

[t-raging]

I'm not entirely sure if any of this is triggering and I can't figure out how to tag it since I'm on mobile.

I'm so worn out. Lashed out today at people who didn't understand. It makes me feel like I shouldn't exist at all. I wanted to self admit to a PW today but soon realized that 'disappearing' would be a better option, since if the people closest to me were to find out why I want to admit myself they would want me dead anyway.

I'm just going to go to my job tonight and just space out on my work. Maybe it'll even help clear my head.

I'm so afraid of him disappearing on me. He hasn't talked to me all day or all last night despite my attempts to reach him. Hasn't even wished me a happy holiday though I could care less about it. It's the thought that counts I guess.

I feel like he could vanish at any given moment. It's not like there's anything keeping him around me. I'm not nearly good enough for him. He's such an angel. If only he knew how messed up I actually am.

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[Khione]

I got diagnosed with BPD today. I'm happy that I'm finally diagnosed, had 5 years of no diagnosis. :3