Obsessed with looking attractive

I am a 27 year old guy, and I just have this obsession with making sure I look good enough to attract girls. Lately I have noticed there is a mole on my face. It used to be so small that it wasn't noticable, but now it seems to have grown and I can't seem to take my mind off it. I kind of want to get it removed but at the same time I'm afraid that people will say I am vain. I usually don't give people the impression that I care that much about my looks and I don't really like having the image of a vain person.

The real issue though I think is more about girls. I often find myself attracted to girls and I feel like if they find me unattractive there is a sense of shame about being attracted to them, like they will think "who does this guy think he is thinking I'd be into him, doesn't he realize he is ugly?" I also seem to have developed this issue with watching girls I like swoon over better looking guys than me. This is probably because of past experiences where I went through a lot of emotional turmoil because of this kind of thing.

Is this normal for someone my age?

Have the mole looked at by a doctor. Maybe ask for a referal to see a Therapist while you are there for the anxiety.

Well, im a girl and im 25 so im around your age. Im also pretty much obsessed with looking good also. When I was a kid, I was bullied for having glasses and wild frizzy hair. I was called every name in the book. I think that might be the reason why im so concerned with looking good. I want people to like me. So I think were on the same page here.

About the mole: if you want to get it removed, you should! Especially if it's going to improve your self-esteem. I doubt anyone is going to think any less of you. Plus, even if they do judge you for getting it removed, that's because they are insecure or ignorant. It's none of their business what you do with your body and, if they're a real friend, they won't bash you for it. I want to get a nose job some day and I worry about the same thing. But at the end of the day; their judgement and comments will fade but my nose will still look better than theirs. ;p Of course, make sure the doctor checks it out first to find out why it's grown.

As far as the "girls" topic: If you're a non-threatening gentlemen, no WOMAN with a brain is going to think, "who does this guy think he is thinking I'd be into him, doesn't he realize he is ugly?", if you like them or hit on them (unless your being creepy about it). I find it very flattering when that happens to me even when I have to reject them. And most of the time, I only reject because I simply don't want to be in a relationship or because don't know them well. It's not personal.

So, in a nut shell, this is normal for any age. I've realized that the more I obsess over what people think of me, the less power I have. I still care but i've learned and accepted that im never going to be perfect. Nobody is. Women arent as concerned with a guy's looks as a guy is about women. If I like a guy and can laugh with him, everything about him becomes beautiful. The flaws and all.

I was also bullied in school. I was pretty much a social outcast from elementary school all the way through high school. In late high school when I noticed my brother was cool and popular with the girls, something snapped and I decided this is not good enough for me and I developed this feeling that I need to turn things around and have my chance to be cool and get attention from girls and that I will be angry and depressed until that happens. Ironically, I also have frizzy hair and glasses, but I was picked for reasons other than that, I just acted weird and different from the other kids for some reason.

I don't really believe the whole thing about women being less concerned about a guy's looks. I have read there are studies showing that looks matter just as much to women. Perhaps if a woman gets to know a guy very well, other qualities can make her develop feelings for him, but when it comes to initial attraction, it is pretty much all about looks. Well, what if I don't like any of the women that I have the opportunity to get to know? If I am not good looking enough to make women attracted to me without getting to know me very well, then those are the only ones I will have any chance with. Also, from what I've seen, women do hate it and find it sleazy when guys they don't know hit on them. The only exception is when the guy is cute.

When I ask my mom about the mole, she basically tells me it is barely noticable and talks to me like I am imagining or something. I am pretty sure she is lying and just doesn't want me to feel insecure. But she doesn't understand the importance of looks since she grew up in a culture where girls don't do the casual dating thing when they are young and then when they grow up they just marry based on social status and who their parents approve of. I feel like people in general will judge me as being vain and shallow if I get it removed, but at the same time, if I allow myself to be unattractive and chase the girls I want, I will be judged as a pathetic delusional loser for thinking I can get attractive girls.

Moles that grow in size need to be looked at. I had two moles removed as they changed shape and color and size rapidly. I had one on my face my whole life above my upper lip. I took a younger pic of me with me to a dermatologist to show the difference. It was removed right away and luckily wasn't cancer. I have bunch of moles. . If they change in any shape or form I have to remove them

Removing suspiciously looking things has nothing to do with vanity.

Trust me people don't bother to think if you are vain or what not, everyone is worrying about themselves

Caring about ones looks doesn't make one shallow. I am almost 50 and very much care how I look, not to attract men but just because how I am. I don't care what others think on this matter. Heck my mom is almost 70 and dad almost 80, they care how they look. What's the big deal. Be who you are


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We discussed that before.

Stop basing your knowledge of the world on what you read in some random studies. Start getting to know real people in real life.

Yes women care about looks in a sense feeling attraction, attraction comes from within,, not because he has or doesn't have a mole on his face or looks certain way. Women go for men who make them happy. By your logic men who are not gorgeous would never find love. It doesn't make any sense whatsoever.

Please share with your therapist what you think of that mole and what others thoughts you have on the matter

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I am not looking for love I am looking for attraction and quality dating opportunities. As a guy who is out of college and works in IT with mostly men, that will be impossible to find without being able to attract women I meet in public places, which is mainly about looks. For example I want to be able to get the 20 year old cutie at the gym to be interested in me. Why would she choose a 27 year old ugly loser when she probably meets tons of cute young guys in college?

I can relate..
I was a funny, outgoing, social kid until my peer's started bullying from age 9 to about 13. I was also weird/different and said stupid stuff all of the time on top of the wild hair, glasses, and ridiculous clothes. Eventually my personality shifted into a shy, insecure, anxiety ridden, depressed outcast who hardly talked to anyone at school. The funny thing is, im the case of the "ugly duckling turns into a swan" story. When I started high school; I got contacts, wore a little make-up, and fixed my hair. I looked like a completely different person in a good way. But even though I looked better, I couldnt connect with anyone because I was so afraid of being rejected and humiliated again. I still feel that way today and I need to get help because it has held me back in life. It's very hard for me to open up fully to people because I dont trust anyone. Also, ive been in a couple long term relationships that were both physically and emotionally abusive so I really don't trust people with my heart. As cheesey as that sounds. I am on antidepressants and stimulants though so they do help to a degree...

My sister is younger than me but she was popular in school because of her outgoing personality. I secretly wished I could be like that but I didn't have the skill's. I had control over my looks but no control over my awkward anxiety. I kept my outcast label a huge secret from my family because they often spoke badly about those types of people. My parents used to beat the **** out of me on top of verbally abusing and humiliating me on a daily basis (as a child) so I felt like I had no support.

About what women are attracted to: I guess I can't speak for every single woman on Earth but, as for me personally, it's not ALLLLL about looks. When I was a teenager and in my early 20's; all I really cared about as far as dating someone was their look's. I wanted them to look perfect. Pretty immature. As i've gotten older, that aspect is not as important to me. Of course I need to be physically attracted to the person, but for me to be completely attracted, they have to have a personality that I can't resist. If not, I will be turned off. So here's proof that not every woman cares ONLY about looks. You probably feel that way because that's what your used to. There are a lot of b**chy women out there, I know. But just as all guy's arent perverts; all women aren't shallow a**holes. Lol.

Maybe you have a lower view of yourself than other's do of you? Which wouldnt surprise me considering what I know about your past. Im the same way. I seriously doubt that you're ugly. Besides, people have their own taste in what they find attractive both physically and mentally. For example, Im attracted to clean cut guys with a sensitive side..but a friend of mine is only attracted to scruffy guys who are obese. (Not even kidding lol.) You probably think that's all a bunch of cheesy positive bull**it but it's just coming from my personal perspective and experiences.

My mom is completely against me getting a nose job but I really don't care. Im getting one. It's going to make me feel better about myself and that's all that matters. I do a lot of work in the public eye as far as making music and acting so in order for me to book jobs, I need to look good. Just how it is. If people talk negatively about me getting the procedure done, im going to feel dumb and embarrassed. But there's nothing I can do about it. They'll have to get over it eventually. Same goes with your mole.

Hope that helped you at least a little bit... It feel's good to talk about things and get stuff off of your chest.

There is nothing wrong with getting the mole removed, and it might even be medically advisable anyway. But if you have this type of thinking and anxiety, then it will probably be something else after the mole, and then something else, and then something else.. until welcome to full-blown body dysmorphic disorder.

Perhaps because you aren't looking for love you aren't attracting any women whatsoever regardless of their age. They maybe sense it.

Sure you might find some who would be in for casual dating at the moment or what not, but that's unusual. Women look for love at any age ( and so do most men). Just because she is young it doesn't mean she doesn't want to be in love with the guy ( regardless of his looks)

At 20 they might not want to run get married right away but they sure aren't interested to "build your dating experience" . That's looking at women as objects

Where you get your ideas about women from?

Your difficulty with meeting women has nothing to do with your looks, certainly not moles!!!!. It has everything to do with lack of social skills, trouble communicating with others, and not understanding how the world works. That's something to work on, not the looks

I am very patient with you a thread after thread because I know you truly struggle but please please see a therapist and if you already do please share what you posting on here and ask for help



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Well, it's not that I don't want to find love at all, I probably do. But I also want to have dating options. Love comes later anyways, and most young people date because they are infatuated with the person or "have a crush" on them. Usually they won't end up in a long term relationship with the person, but it is still a fulfilling experience because as humans we naturally desire the companionship of people we are attracted to, even if it is just short term. I think casual dating is a pretty important part of life, so I don't want to miss out on it. My therapist seems to agree, because she says the best thing for us to do first is to get me to date a girl. This is regardless of whether or not I am ready for a long term committment.

I have difficulty meeting women because I am not part of any social circles which would give me that oppprtunity. It is nearly impossible to attract a girl you don't know on a personal level unless she is physically attracted to you. And being physically attractive is not very easy for a guy. I do think that minor imperfections like moles can break it. For example why would a random 20 year old girl at the gym be interested me if I am not physically attractive and too shy to say anything clever?

Also, it is not just about finding dates. I have seen many girls say that they find it annoying when unattractive guys show interest in them. Yes I know this is not all girls, but many of them do feel this way. So basically whether or not a girl would enjoy my attention or be uncomfortable with it may actually depend on whether or not I look good. So as long as I have doubts about my physical attractiveness, I will not have confidence approaching girls. And how can I not expect girls to find my mole unattractive when I personally find facial moles unattractive on girls?

I already took an appointment to have it looked at, but it is still causing me so much distress, I am not wanting to go anywhere where I will come across girls I'm attracted to, because I'm afraid they will see the mole and judge me as being unattractive. Also, because they noticed my mole, they will notice when I get it removed. I can't help but feel like I will be judged as vain and narcissistic. It feels like I'm in a lose-lose situation, I'm basically choosing between being judged as unattractive or being judged as vain, both of which will turn girls off. In a way it's easier for girls, because they are allowed to beautify themselves but if you're a guy, you have to be naturally good looking.

By the way, many people say that girls actually decide in the first 6 seconds when they meet a guy, whether or not they will ever want to have sex with him. If this is the case, then it is pretty safe to assume that is mostly about looks and that if you don't have the looks, nothing you do really matters in terms of attraction.

I used to be really insecure about my looks when I was younger but for the past couple years or so, I've actually had a more positive body image. I would normally actually see myself a somewhat attractive, even though I would still have doubts about it I would still have doubts about it and be sensitive to anything that challenges that perception. But lately I have found myself slipping back into those body image issues, and this mole is really the last thing I need.

hi dear,

i have also gone through the same pain of bullying and social anxiety....

u have to lift ur self-esteem...
trying saying to urself that u look damn good even with mole on face....

today u may remove the mole but what about tomorrow..again u ll be obsessed withsomething else....

as everyone has mentioned...u can seek therapist
take care

u welcome dear

i think if you want the mole removed, do it. there is nothing vain about it and with the advances in technology it is probably safer and easier now a days too.

It turns out I have a genetic tendency to form keloid scars, I found this out because of another scar on my body, so my dermatologist suggested not getting the mole removed on my face since there is the possibility it would scar. So basically I am stuck with it.

Honestly I don't know how I am going to deal with this, it looks noticable to me and I hate what it does to my appearance. My mom insists that it is barely noticable but again I think the reason she thinks it doesn't matter is because she comes from a culture where women aren't given the chance to be superficial and as choosy as they want about guys' looks. Hell I think that even in the U.S., most women over 25ish are often times forced to settle for less. But I don't want to be "less". After all I am choosy myself and will only be interested in the girls I find most attractive physically.

I guess the bif dilemma I am facing is I feel that if I am not physically attractive myself, then I have no right to seek sexual attention and companionship from gorgeous women. But at the same time, I can't stop myself from wanting it no matter how unworthy of it I am. There is this girl at the gym that I like and I absolutely refuse to give up hope on her even though she hasn't shown any clear sign of interest and might even have a boyfriend. No I prefer to delude myself into thinking she secretly finds me attractive and one of these days something is going to happen. And why shouldn't I? I am 27 and never got a chance to date anyone it is my turn now to enjoy the experiences guys have enjoying since high school and yes gorgeous girls who are 5 years younger than me. And now I am going to be rejected because of a mole? That is ******** and it's not fair and I refuse to accept it.

You won't be rejected because of a mole. It is you who is fixating on it. I've had two moles on my arm - one of them I had removed because it was nearly ripped off twice.... but the other one I still have and see no need of getting rid of it. It's a part of who I am. I'm a teacher, and I've had numerous kids of all ages, along with different adults, comment on it. I tend to respond with "It's a part of my body, is that a problem?"... and they think about it for a second, then go "No" "Well, that's that then!"

Women are not as shallow as you keep assuming they are. Those who ARE that shallow... really aren't worth your time. When you are out in public, take a look at the couples you see - are they all perfect, Hollywood-esque models? No. They are not.

There are couples of all shapes, sizes, with all sorts of unique things about their bodies. Sometimes one partner is more "attractive" based on society's standard than the other partner. Sometimes they're more equal.

Unless one of the qualities you want to have in a partner is "shallow" then try not to worry about it. One little mole isn't going to make you hideous or undateable.

You seem a lot more focused on the appearance of who you want to date - that is more likely to make you undateable as you're likely narrowing down women you view as "acceptable" for shallow reasons and may overlook plenty of women who you would get along with.

Watch the movie " Shallow Hal"

Shadix, you have to stop feeling bad about yourself. It's lower than zero. Worse than all the worst combined. A waste of time and energy. You have a choice to be positive. It may be hard to "forget" the bad memories but we can learn to be strong and get by.

Tbh, I think I won't even notice that mole.

But, it's important to feel good about yourself. If you feel like removing it, then go ahead ... But Psyco123 also has a point. When it's done, you might also be obsessing with the next thing you find.

It's great to read about helpful information, but I think you also have to stop generalizing things based on what you learn about? How about you really hit it off with only one woman first and get to experience what it's really like. Maybe you can even debunk some of those that you've read about.

I'm not disregarding the story about your past. I've had some unpleasant experiences too. But one thing that really stood out to me, which also worked for me--is confidence.

You see "ugly" guys with a beautiful woman? Check.
You know of "broke" guys with a super-healthy relationship? I do.
Even jerks can get away with it. Yup, self-confidence.

You can do it!

But you have to stop with those limiting beliefs first. Set yourself free, man.

. I have a lot of skin blemishes on my face and my body discolorations, scars, moles, acne scars. aging spots, I break out now on top of it all I started to get wrinkles! I am yet to meet a man who was bothered by any of it. Neither when i was young nor as I am aging, And I am a woman!

You think too much about looks, yours and others. you can't for real think you'd be rejected because of a mole?


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I noticed you said how women have a chance to be "superficial". Really? To all honesty you come across a bit superficial, not women. Stop about the looks and worry about other things

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I think most of you seem to be assuming that I am looking for a "soul mate" to spend my life with. No, I am still looking for superficial flirting and dating experiences. When it comes to that, yes looks do matter a lot and most women have no interest in flirting with a guy they find unattractive. In fact women often complain about ugly guys trying to flirt with them.

I am not some 50 year old guy looking for a life companion. I am still young and I want to play the field. The majority of the available girls out there are under 25 and most people under 25 are more focused on looks than older people. That's just the truth. I am hoping I can still be physically appealing with a mole on my face, because if I am not, then there is really no point in even trying.

Another thing I should point out is that I don't have a social circle where I get the chance to meet and get to know lots of girls. So I am mainly going to have to attract girls I don't know. Since I don't have one of those clever charismatic personalities, I going to need to be pretty good looking in order to get these girls interested in me. Why would a girl be interested in an ugly shy guy she doesn't know anything about?