[tigerlily84]

Thank you to everyone for the birthday wishes.

Today was a better day. It didn't start out that way - I was very anxious. Since it has been slow at work, my supervisor had us sit with some of our coworkers to have us listen to their calls. And then we switch so they can listen to ours. (I work in a call center) I got to sit with my friend. And she has told me that she has an anxiety disorder and takes medication. Just talking to her helped me calm down quite a lot. I was grateful to her. I think I may have found a friend in her. At least I hope so.

[healingme4me]

I haven't opened my cd, yet. Maybe in a bit...

Hey kids, want to see pics of mommy's brain? The eyeballs are the strangest part.

Another night of pokemon episodes is brewing.

Less moody, today. PDoc says could be motor seizures. ..

Where did this headache just come from..ugh..

Sent from my LGMS323 using Tapatalk

[waterknob1234]

Originally Posted by TheOriginalMe

Miserable again. I keep thinking I wish I could die, by this I mean that I wish it were possible for me to die. It isn't possible to die, I'm already dead, this is eternity............depression. Somewhere, there is a voice goading me, saying "Go on, you've nothing to lose, you'll be no worse off if you try. You might even be better off, you'd know for sure that you can't die."

The only problem for me is that I haven't the energy to think about how, so here I am stuck with a voice that is mocking and goading and taunting, laughing at my inability to take action, adding to my humiliation, exposing my inadequacies, demonstrating my worthlessness and my hopelessness.

This is forever, why can't I just accept that, the depression is enough on its own, I don't need tormenting in this way.

I have had that same voice taunt and goad me, saying "you are better off dead." I'm beginning to wonder if it is my inner demon voice because then another voice tells me all the reasons I have to stay alive, my children, dog, church ministry, etc. Depression is miserable. After a while you lose the energy to fight it. Know that you are not alone and we all care about you here,

Things seem to be going along pretty well for me lately. But it's on a plateau. It can be pretty dull, but much better than having a ton of things go wrong. I have to be very thankful for that.

The biggest thing I've been happy about is going to the pool area and having it to myself. There's no one there to agitate me. So that's good. But it would be nice to meet some nice people. Having others agitate me there had been a problem for a while.

But I feel that it's scary to be content with myself, even though there's not much going on for me socially.

[pisces22]

I went to my first therapy session today and it was pretty good. Talking about some topics made me dizzy, tremble and made my heart race but got over it pretty quickly. She told me to stop her whenever I felt uncomfortable but I don't feel comfortable telling her yet. But that will pass over time. After it was over, I felt a lot more relaxed and liberated. Telling someone my issues out loud was very helpful. I was at peace for about 4 hours and then I started feeling very dizzy and nauseous. Right now I feel that "everything is pointless" feeling and a sudden fear but today was definitely better than yesterday.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Nammu]

Kind of nice to have others who now understand I don't sleep, last night I went to bed just before 10pm and then woke up at 3:30am, this despite ambien, melatonin and other meds. Now there's witnesses! I feel less like they think I'm exaggerating how little I sleep. It's not that I'm not tired, I am, I just can't stay asleep. The latuda pretty much helped the other mixed signs so I'm pretty sure this isn't a hypo manic thing, just part of the depression.

[Melodic]

I have my closure. We are officially moving on from each other and letting go. There was a momentary hope that he regretted, and maybe wanted me back (though I'd say no), but I see it all now. I was too emotionally dependent and my self-esteem rested on how much he would do for me and change for me, and I see that my expectations were ones he simply could not meet, and he felt inadequate and incapable of being who I wanted him to be. Furthermore, we both knew from the moment going into this that we weren't right for each other, but we both hoped we could ignore all the problems and work it all out, that things would eventually change.

Since he was my first, and I did fall quite hard for the sweet words and the love he gave me, I will never ever forget him. Maybe I will find another man who is much better for me, maybe I'll end up alone, but he made a huge impact on me emotionally, and gave me the most up and down experience of my entire life so far - even though I felt the most incredible hurt and sadness I've ever felt, I also felt the happiest and as if I was dreaming at many other times. For him, he has experienced all those things before with other girls, so I probably was not special to him, but that's just how things are.

It feels like I did 4 years ago, when I was crying over the past and getting older and the future. Now I am crying over the sweet memories and how we'll never be together again. But it's okay. I'm letting go once and for all.

[IchbinkeinTeufel]

Managing to keep depression at bay, for now, thanks to working out. Kinda pissed off that I didn't do as much as usual, today, but at least it's something.

[regretful]

It's beginning to feel like depression is the only thing that I know. It occupies my thoughts and affects my feelings. I wouldn't wish this on anyone... :'(

[JustTvTroping]

I'm a little ticked about this video I saw the other day about depression...I didn't really see any advice for a cure (or at least in my case). So many videos just on youtube alone, yet so few answers. Other than the usual constricting feeling, I'm surprisingly fine today(probably because of the honey combined with my breakfast, but whatever).

[lizzyjb]

Not good. I have told my best friends that I am on meds again. She is so worried about me and I didn't want to tell her but she knows me enough to know that it's something wrong with me.
We have been friends for twenty years. I had to tell her.

[birdpumpkin]

Was at my parents yesterday going through some books that were salvaged from my house after the fire. Not many were saved - I pretty much had a whole room full plus more elsewhere in the living room and bedroom. Seems the bedroom ones were the only ones that can be wiped off and kept. Others are all moldy from firehose water and were drenched pretty well. The ones in the study just completely gone. Nothing left in that room at all. They were keeping them in their garage, and their whole garage has that nightmarish smoky smell that makes me cringe. Anyway, most of my Thoreau (fave author) are going to have to be thrown away. As well as some other favorites. That in itself is sad and got me down, but then as I was looking I came upon a Wal-Mart picture envelope. What pics could these be?? So I opened it up to discover pictures the neighbor had taken of our fire in case we needed them for insurance. There in front of my face again was my house ablaze in the darkness. I had actually forgotten what it looked like, though I watched it for 3 hours. All I really remembered was the thick black smoke billowing from the roof and a weird orange glow in the living room that I think was our kerosene heater. At first I thought maybe it would help me to expose myself to them. I only saw the first one. Cry and get it all out. Then I thought what if I made myself worse. Maybe I better not. So I put them away. Now I keep seeing that picture of my house with flames coming out the windows and thinking my cats were in there. I wish I hadn't even seen the one picture. Feeling depressed today. And some anxiety because the husband has to do some work tomorrow with his nephew - any deviating from our normal routine gets my anxiety up and the "what if"s start.

[Espresso]

I've been more depressed today. I don't know if it's because I feel tired or what. I slept well and long (9 hours) last night, so I don't know what's going on.

Have had a very frustrating day. First, the get-together with my sister-in-law and nieces did not go off as planned, so I felt lonely and wanting companionship. Then my appointment with a staffing agency got cancelled because my software test scores were too low. There goes that possible job. And finally, the weekend is upon me and I have free, alone time to dread. Just not having a very good day overall. The depression still lingers in the background, of course, too.

[waterknob1234]

I had a quieter day at work. I got an appointment with a therapist but it is going to be so expensive. I guess it would cost more to go to a regular hospital. I'm just glad it is the weekend. I am so tired.

[Bigmike727]

Well today was fine, I find that I've been thinking alot about the positives in my life lately so maybe that will help pull me through. It's refreshing after thinking negatively so long.

[Nammu]

I'm so upset I can't talk about it right now. Going back to games for distraction.

[Melodic]

This is really up and down. I've had moments of extreme downs, missing the memories and comfort and the feeling of being loved and special so much. Then moments of extreme ups, realising how much I really was worth to him, because he tried so hard for so long to keep me even though it was a losing battle from the start. Even at the end, it wasn't because he lost feelings, but because he was sensible and saw the future of more pain. I'm seriously having trouble moving on for good, but I also feel a sense of relief because I knew it wouldn't work from the very beginning but I got too emotionally vulnerable and involved - everywhere I turned there was so much pain, whether I ended now or later, I knew I was going to suffer.

I've taken a slight hit to the self-esteem, but logically I can see that I was actually too good for him. We were too different from the beginning, we would have been so unhappy together. However I am being obsessive over comparing against the exes which is irrational and doing more damage to myself. Once I forget about him, I look forward to not having to ever feel anxious over a guy again, for a while at least. I want something secure and loving, and something that actually could work long term. I will also be more wary of the many red flags that popped up very early on so I can avoid having to go through this crap again.

[sevy]

Weird day. I've been unable to do anything productive for weeks, and today I'm sick, terrible headache and meds don't work that well against it. Now my boyfriend says I don't do anything and he's sick of it.

I've been depressed for so long I really don't think i can be anything else.

[regretful]

This depression is simply terrible...it's not incapacitating; I can get up and function, but it's like I just go through the motions with nothing to do that instills in me any good feelings. I'm so down...

[herethennow]

down.

bashing myself up so bad for feeling down. i was okay, why this down?!

[dandylin]

eh! Crappy day

impulsive and kind of moody. definitely down.

[pisces22]

I was feeling okay and I still kinda am feeling okay but I can feel some anxiety starting to build up, right now. I'm going to my cousins baby shower later. I used to feel like going out distracted me but lately I feel like going out makes me more anxious so I'm a little worried about going to the baby shower.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[TheOriginalMe]

So very tired, I need sleep, maybe a month or two would be good.