i'm still sinking

i have a T appt tomorrow morning. i've been every week. and trying to contact friends and do anything i can

i just still feel like i'm not even holding my ground. my whole weekend was horrible. yesterday and today. today i managed to stay out of bed but it doesn't feel like an accomplishment it feels like punishment. i was so tired all day and when i wasn't just trying to fight off sleep i was just sitting here crying. it just won't stop.

i am going to try to contact some friends again tomorrow but it doesn't seem to do much good. i just end up frustrated and even more depressed. everything makes me more depressed. trying to recapture some joy from things i used to love makes me depressed. going out makes me depressed, staying in makes me depressed. sleeping makes me depressed and frustrated but at least when i am asleep i am not suffering. i thought after a few steady days of not sleeping my body would start to get used to it but i just ended up with an even stronger urge to sleep. i keep thinking "how did i get up and go to work six months ago, i was able to stay awake then" but thinking back this really has been a problem for more than two years. i became extremely tired at work and left early, i drove myself very hard doing more work at home just to stay awake and then i would sleep early. i would sleep on the weekends too. at the time i thought it was good driving myself so hard because it kept me off of the depression but it really just ate me up. i liked the work but when the personal relationships there went to hell it was all work and no play. i would get so depressed at work and unable to talk to anyone. at some point it became a chore rather than a relief. it no longer helped me to cope and eventually i just exploded. and in the interim i have been so hurt by the whole thing and all the people there. i keep trying just to put it behind me but i keep having nightmares about work, last night i had some bad ones, and during the day almost EVERYTHING triggers a memory and makes me cry again.

sorry no paragraph breaks. i need to get to bed so i can wake up for my appointment in the morning.

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-- http://www.idexter.com

i just keep getting either bad news or some new source of extreme disappointment that punctures me.

i've tried to reach out for help but i just get more and more depressed. i cry in the supermarket now even when i am shopping. i'm eating less i am just forcing myself to eat as much as i can. i odn't know if i already told about my dad and the pharmacy. now i am worried about running into him at the store and if that happens it will be a scene and it will be another level of hell. i hate having to be watching over my shoulder just when i go to pick up some milk and bagels. i can't relax anywhere.

and today i got more news from a group of "friends" that made me feel even worse, on top of my depression and difficulty with the weekend. i can easily just stop accepting email from them. but then i will be isolated, and that's no good either. i've already stopped completely answering my phone but that has been a problem with me forever. i just never ever happens that i call someone or someone calls me or emails and i end up feeling a little better. it is always worse. so i'm isolated anyway even if i let anyone in.

i'm still going to bed. going to shut off now and rest for the doctor tomorrow. if i end up in the hospital i won't be able to post. i don't want to go to the hospital again but just in case i'm "missing" that's why, it would probably be a week like last time.

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-- http://www.idexter.com

I know how hard you've been working, dex, and I am so sorry things are so bad.
Thinking of you ((((((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))))))

Dex,
I am so sorry that things are not going well for you. ((((Dexter))))))
You are in my thoughts and I am hoping but nothing but the best for you. It is not fair how much pain you have had to go through lately. I never was able to understand how people say that "pain builds character." I think that it is just crap.
Hang in there and we are here for you.

Stay strong,
jessica

<font color=blue> You are in this snowglobe. It is encovered in glass and secure. But one day someone comes and shakes the globe and the pieces go flying everywhere. Now they will eventually settle but they won't be the way they were before and they can never be that way again. </font color=blue>

I'll be thinking of you and wishing you the best, Dex. I hope something helps soon for you.

Mary Alice

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Dave}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} Sounds to me like you need a long rest at the hospital, Hun. That's the way I was when I went in almost 2 years ago.

Stop beating yourself up. Be kind to yourself. We'll be here waiting for you when you get back.

It's not much consolation when all your friends are online, but there are those out in cyberspace that care a lot for you.

"Pain endures for the night, but joy comes in the morning." It will come for you, Dave.




<font color=blue>"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt" --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Dave)))))))))))))))))))))

You are such a good person, and I am thinking of you and wishing you the best. I am glad that you are going to see your T today. I do so hope the doctor and T can find something that will help you to reduce the feelings of hopelessness and despair. I wish you the best, and if a short hospital stay will help to put an end to your distress, it will be well worth it. You are in my thoughts, and hope you begin to feel better soon.

Take Care,
Kris

If you think you have totally gave up, you haven't, because you are here!

I know you are having a really difficult time, you are struggling real bad but I have noticed something, you also have a great willpower, a great instinct to survive.

With all that battle that is going on inside of you, you still do try to found some interest to keep you going as your website and the beautiful things that you are creating for some of your friends here. You are also one of the first to reply to people who needs help and guidance here. Maybe you don't realised this or maybe you do but you are keeping your mind very busy wich is extremelly good that you do. This is really good coping skills. You are helping yourself and you are not quitting, this is really great and I hope you are proud of you because you deserve to be proud.

I really do hope you feel better soon! ((((((((((((Dave))))))))))))))))

Take good care of yourself and keep going forward!
nightdream

something just feels so out of whack. i talked about that with my T today. we also talked a lot about my dad, he has noticed all the really really powerful feelings (bad) that come up whenever I talk about him.

and today someone dropped me some more photos of a recent event where a bunch of my friends got together to help out someone in trouble. he didn't even ask for help they just swarmed. i ask for help, for specific things, and they just don't have the time. which of course means i am not important enough for them to make the time. but they can make time for other things.

i talked about my lack of trust today basically because it is no longer strictly in the realm of my depression and negative attitude. I have tried to come out and be honest with people and they are sympathetic but can't spare the time.

to be honest i think there is a problem of assumption. i do know that i am good with people honest and sensitive and willing to give. i'm always there when someone needs something. its not that i think they don't appreciate that i just think they assume i must have so much reciprical action that I'm taken care of. that's why i've started telling people specifically how bad off i've been and what i need, how long it has been since someone visited etc. but either they don't understand or they don't want to understand i don't know but honestly i really can't fathom it. the reality is such a huge disconnect from what i thought was the truth, and then the depression makes it seem even worse than it is

i have to try to sleep. for some reason it is very hot in here tonight though i think it is still cold outside.

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-- The world is what we make of it --
-- Dave
-- <A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.idexter.com>http://www.idexter.com</A>

I am so sorry you're hurting. I've been in the place where you are now. You will come out of it. It's so hard when the people you need aren't there. I know it makes the depression hurt even more. And not feeling safe going around town must be awful. I remember when I was in the thick of memories and my parents came to town. I was freaking out. I was so afraid I would run into them. My friends didn't get it at all. One gal actually made fun of me. I lashed out at her and went home and crawled into bed, completely freaked out. I wouldn't answer the phone, door or go outside. My parents came to my work and I just dealt with it. It was really neat because my coworkers made sure I was O.K. It was weird. My friends couldn't understand but the people I worked with, did. My survival skills from the past got me through it. I spent a couple of hours with them, pretending that nothing ever happened. And then they went back to their home state and I went back to my life and worked through it with my T.
This process can be so hard. But you will make it if you just hold on and remember that the hard times will pass. It sounds like you're doing all the right things. You're posting on here to get support. You're seeing your T. You're protecting yourself from people you can't interact with right now. It may not feel like it but you're doing a lot of things right. One thing my T reminds me of is that I already did the hardest thing. I lived through those things and as an adult I can handle dealing with them. It's also important for me to be gentle with myself. I can only do so much when I feel that way.
If you'd like to, feel free to message me. I've learned some really good tools that might help, or I can just be there for you. My thoughts will be with you. Annie

thank you. i used to have such confidence in my friends. when my mom died i was really afraid of interacting with my dad over funeral arrangements. (never did have a funeral, i still have her ashes in my house, it has been over two years... that's another story)

when she died i spoke with my friends, especially about sitting shiva at my house which i offered because obviously it couldn't take place in their home (http://www.idexter.com

I also want to say that I am a little uncomfortable talking about this publically because I do understand that I have to get through this myself... that has always been my life philosophy with regard to everything and it is no different now. I don't think I should have to rely on my friends to get me through this, this is my problem, not theirs.

But on the other hand I wonder about the practicallity of being able to do this alone, with no support from family or friends. It has become difficult or impossible for me to get out at all at this point, even for support groups (I am going to make that a priority tomorrow) so I am literally alone im my house for months at a time. If i do get someone to visit it gives me anxiety and i wonder if it would be better just to not expect anyone at all, ever, than to have someone come once every three months which mainly reminds me of how alone i am.

So although I whine about this a lot, i do understand that even if they were here in full support, I can't rely on them for answers because I have to find that within me. But it is on my mind a lot and it does hurt me very much so I mention it here a lot.

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-- The world is what we make of it --
-- Dave
-- <A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.idexter.com>http://www.idexter.com</A>

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Dave}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} I'm so sorry you're hurting. What you write is very familiar to me. The difference is, I've never been very social, but there have been times I've asked my family, kids as well as extended, and to tell you the truth, I got more grief than I had to begin with!

Even my youngest boy, with whom I get along very well with, was beginning to withdraw from me not too long ago. When I asked him why, he said he just couldn't stand me being so negative. He said that if they mentioned someone that I knew, I would always say "I don't like them!" The same with places I used to like and things I liked to do. No matter what he tried, he couldn't make me happy. If he asked me what I needed, I would tell him, but in the end, I wasn't happy with it.

I'm not saying that that's what you're doing, but I think our attitude about things is difficult to take. Honestly, I don't understand why people are reacting to you like they are. You are so caring and thoughtful! Maybe you need to find yourself a group of new friends. Something on the order of Parents Without Partners but geared more towards your needs. I'd say a support group, if you can find the right one.

I don't know, Hun. I just hate to see you hurting this bad. {{{{{{{{{{{{Dave}}}}}}}}}}}}}







<font color=blue>"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt" --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

Sending love and hugs your way!

(((((((((((((((((((((((((Dave)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

nightdream

Hi Dexter, I have just read what you are going through and the replies.I don't post much on here but I am in avery similar place to you right now and I think you are doing really well. You sound like a rational and caring person, you know whats happening and are dealing with it. I am also struggling to cope, been trying to set up a routine with work keeping me busy, I'm not consistently creative, I write sometimes but mostly I read or tidy up a lot. I don't want to be in bed all day but sometimes I feel so exhausted. I have been told by my T that I don't have a depressive illness but aI do have a personality disorder with traits similar to borderline. I am not on meds, just T.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Dave}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} Sending positive thoughts your way, Hun.






<font color=blue>"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt" --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

i am hoping to get out to my support group tonight. i haven't been in a long time. i was up early again today which is good but i may be too tired to go tonight. i'll have to see what happens later, but i don't want to take a nap so that i can go... if i do that i will likely wake up groggy and end up not going anyway.

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--http://www.idexter.com

Congratulations on getting up early dex (I am terrible with that ...)
I hope you manage to get to your support group and that it goes well!

(((((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))))

well about an hour before my support group i just got so tired and succumbed to my usual nap. i woke up and came here for a while and then i got hungry so i was going to get something to eat from mcdonalds or taco bell or something, thought that way i would at least get out.

so instead of thinking "i'm going out to eat" and doing [climb into bed again] i made the effort to get out. and then i thought "hey, instead of going to mcdonalds, why don't i try to catch the end of the meeting?"

so i did. i was glad that i made it there. i only got about the last twenty minutes of the session, didn't really say anything, but just getting there was an accomplishment. I was too tired to go out to eat with them afterward, but i did stop at taco bell on the way home. i am just so achy now, and completely exhausted and a throbbing headache but i'm still glad i went

the only bad thing was my friend that i made there was not there. i am not someone who panics when someone is stuck in traffic for a half hour and people start going "oh i hope they weren't in an accident!" and all kinds of things. i stay calm. but i haven't heard from him in a few days so I am just a little bit worried . i've only known him a very short time and i only see him at these meetings (which i haven't been to in over a month) but i do care about him a lot. so i hope he is ok.

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--http://www.idexter.com

Dave, excellent job for getting out there and making that meeting, even if it was for the last 20 minutes. The effort was there, and that's the major part of the battle. We win these battles by taking baby steps a lot of the time. And you got some food in your stomach, that's good too. i know you hurt, and you're dog tired, but you accomplished something and you need to be proud of that.

As far as your friend, I completely understand your concern. I'd be worried to. And everything is probably alright. But I did the same thing when i was going to AA meetings. I made close friends there, and when one of them didn't show at a meeting, I'd call them, or drive by their house. 95% of the time, everything was OK. But there were those times when one of them went back out drinking and all I could do was turn and walk away. I knew I couldn't help them when they drank.

When you form friendships in support groups Dave, they are incredibly strong. Your feelings are natural. All you can do for tonight is take care of you, get some rest, and deal with this tomorrow. You'll probably find that everything is just fine and your friend just couldn't make it.

Try to make yourself feel better tonight, tomorrow's another day. Take care of Dave, OK?

Greg

{{{{{{{{{{{{{Dave}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} WoooHoooooo! You made it to the meeting! Give yourself a pat on the back and a great big hug! You deserve it! Wow... in pain and groggy and you still got there! I'm so happy and proud for you!

Try not to worry about your friend, although it's natural. Like Greg said, he probably just didn't make it last night but not because there was something wrong. You know we tend to worry needlessly when we're depressed. So don't! Ok?

<-- me without my wig doing my happy dance for you, Dave! LOL Well? What can I say? I don't really wear a wig, but it sounded good at the time! LOL






<font color=blue>"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt" --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

dex, I'm so glad you went to the meeting. Every step is something you can build on.

It is natural to worry about your friend. When someone from my group therapy misses a session, we all worry. It is a holiday weekend, so maybe your friend just had plans.

Take care.
*hugs*
mj

(((((dexter)))))))

I'm so sorry you are having a hard time, I've been there where it feels like you are just stuck in a hole and cannot climb out, I hope that your session goes well and that you will get some answers to your questions (if there is any)

Take care,

<font color=red>~Sundance~</font color=red>

<font color=blue>"Never react emotionally to criticism. Analyze yourself to determine whether it is justified. If it is, correct yourself. Otherwise, go on about your business."</font color=blue>

<font color=black>Norman Vincent Peale</font color=black>