[SarahSweden]

I´m a 30+ year old woman and I´m dealing with several issues that makes me feel stuck in life. I don´t have any diagnoses what I know of but I´m almost sure I´m depressed to a certain degree, mildly or maybe moderately.

I feel that I waste my life just letting the days pass by and at the same time I feel incapable dealing or solving my problems. I have a university degree but have been unemployed for several years since I left my studies. I looked for jobs for a certain time but when I didn´t get any positive answers my self esteem and motivation went down and then I stopped trying.

Now I avoid trying because I don´t know what I want anymore, nothing really gets me going or making me motivated careerwise. I also don´t want to get more negative answers to job appliances and feel even more disappointed and sad.

My next problem is that I´m way behind most others as I´ve never had a relationship and never dated. It makes me feel somewhat not normal and creates anxiety and negative thoughts. At the same time I don´t feel ready to take the step to for example go on a date as I feel down and I can´t really see how a relationship would "help" me.

My third large issue is that I´m quite lonely. I have only one friend and even if I see her rather often I spend most of my time alone. I´ve tried for several years to meet new friends through forums and so on. I met quite a lot of people for coffee and a chat but it never seems to grow into friendship. You feel you don´t have that much in common, you don´t have the same values and so on.

For me the advice "join some leisure activity" is not what I´m seeking for as I´ve already tried this.

Instead perhaps someone here has his or her own experience of dealing with this issues or some proffessional reads my thread and can give me some advice.

I already see a therapist but it´s nearly impossible to get therapy for this issues (as you´re not suicidal or severly depressed) in the country I live. Soon I will not be entitled to therapy any longer and it leaves me with a sense of no hope or no possibility at all to create a worthy life.

[winter4me]

This is a hard post to respond to...you don't seem to be looking to change your behavior at all...and you can't change others...?has therapy been helpful? Are you depressed or just not interested in others/things? I can't tell.

[NowhereUSA]

depression does that - it makes it feel like doing anything would be trying to climb Mt. Everest without gear.

have you considered medication? if therapy alone isn't helping, you may just need a kick start to your brain chemistry. honestly, you sound severely depressed to me even if you aren't suicidal.

[SarahSweden]

Noone here that has similar experiences like I have? I think you quite often read about this what you could call a 30+ crisis. The therapy sessions definately help me and I haven´t been advised taking medication although I have had this in mind and brought it up.

Hoping for more supportive answers and comments on my issues.

[fluffbuster]

hello Sarah. sounds like depression to me but maybe only because of downtrod-deness and not full blown clinical. being w/out a job for a number of yrs can really bring anyone down. it messes w/ their self-worth and brings ego issues. you must do action to overcome those issues.
how do you support yourself? - are you independantly wealthy so you really don't need to find a job? is someone else (parents?) supporting you?
whatever that answer is - you know there are many non-paying jobs that can give you experience and also a way to meet more people. you can do internships - or - i don't know what Sweden has - but US has Peace Corps, Americorp - & there is also Oxfam International. you don't mention any particular interests or what your degree is in - 'Sweden Bear Tracking Volunteer Project' - This program, based in Sanfjallet National Park, is focused on providing volunteers with improved tracking skills and improved wilderness experience overall.
Helping other people - or animals - or other world interests is often a very good step in helping yourself. But you have to make that first step to become involved. Nothing is going to happen if you stay in your bedroom wondering about things.

I am sorry that you are feeling the way you do. I noticed that you are in Sweden, but it seems like it's tough in lot of other countries to find work. I am fortunate that I have a job, but I wouldn't know what to do if it ended. I feel that my job could end in a heart-beat. I've seen it happen to others that I thought were better workers than me. I had been through unemployment and being discouraged to look for work.

As far as the relationships go, of what you are describing, I can very much relate. I am older than you and I have not been successful in relationships either. I have not had someone in many years and I feel lonely too. I've been somewhat successful with friends, but not in a relationship with a woman.

I am not on medications and have not seen a therapist lately. I had been to therapists a few years ago, but they didn't help. I don't feel like I need one now, but maybe someday I will.

If you are 30 +; to me you seem pretty young. I feel that a relationship can happen for you. I still have faith for myself that something can happen for me, but it does not look good. But you never know. I have done the "getting into activities" myself and it didn't work.

Funny thing is that there's a man at my job who is close to my age. He had a girlfriend in Sweden. I didn't know anything about her and never seen her. He has gone to visit her at her home. But he has a girlfriend now locally. That man at my job had been divorced and has a couple of children. Me, I have never been married and no kids. I hope my story would help you.

[SarahSweden]

fluffbuster: How do you mean "not fully blown clinical", do you mean there´s a difference? Only asking because of interest in this matter.

I live on welfare that gives me a small amount every month to be able to pay for rent and so on. I´ve tried getting internships and have had some but they never resulted in employment. I just felt taken advantage of as companies use well educated people to do stuff they don´t have the time themselves to do.

I read about the volunteer project you suggested and as many other volunteer projects you have to pay to join although you work for free. So this is not an option as I don´t have that money.

I´ve already tried to improve my situation and unfortunately it´s not a matter of realising you have to do something yourself when you feel down and stuck.

[tigerlily84]

I could have written this post, because I have felt stuck for several years now, and I turned 30 this year. I feel like I haven't accomplished anything, and other people my age are married, having babies (not that I want any), and generally moving onto the next part of their lives. I don't have any advice because I am practically in the same situation. Good luck to you.

[SarahSweden]

tigerlily84: Thanks for the good luck wishes. Do you deal with your problems in therapy or are you trying to find some own way moving towards a better life? Perhaps it´s more common feeling stuck at our age than you know, there´s just not that many that speaks openly about their problems.

[tigerlily84]

I am employed and have insurance, but even with those advantages I still cannot afford therapy due to the other bills that I am responsible for. For now I am trying to deal with these problems on my own. The last therapist that I went to advised me to sleep more when I told him how anxious I felt about my life. How does sleeping more help? So I stopped going. Like you, I wanted solid, concrete answers and suggestions, but none seemed to be forthcoming.

I've never heard that term before: 30+ crisis. I think that definitely fits my situation as well. I think you're right, that most people don't speak openly about it because supposedly by this age we're supposed to have it "all figured out" by now.

[flours]

Originally Posted by tigerlily84

I could have written this post, because I have felt stuck for several years now, and I turned 30 this year. I feel like I haven't accomplished anything, and other people my age are married, having babies

Originally Posted by SarahSweden

Perhaps it´s more common feeling stuck at our age than you know, there´s just not that many that speaks openly about their problems.

I'm the same. (almost 30, not accomplished what's expected. stuck for years. not happy about that.) more people are the same but ashamed to admit. It's not all their/ our own fault. there are some serious changes happening in society concerning the structure of education, career and family /social life that are very difficult to handle. while expectations are not adapting appropriately or are contradictory.

[SarahSweden]

tigerlily84: I´ve also tried that before, to solve my problems on my own but for me it has now come to a point where I can´t cope with my problems. One of my largest worries right now is that I won´t get therapy as I can´t pay and because of the large difficulties to get into therapy unless you have severe diagnoses.

Do get more sleep sounds just like a very unproffessional advice and I understand you didn´t want to see that therapist anymore.

I don´t know how to handle my situation as I´ve tried to reach out for help and time just passes by without finding a way out of all troubles.

Are you considering some kind of therapy, perhaps publically funded, or how do you cope with your everyday life?

[SarahSweden]

flours: Yes, I believe as you say that we´re not alone feeling like this. Unfortunately it´s not much of a consolation knowing that you´re not alone. It´s easy saying you have problems in life but much harder getting help to be able to solve them. You stand quite alone. As you say, it´s not at all just about the individual.

How do you yourself cope with your problems?

[tigerlily84]

Sarahsweden: I used to see a therapist that was actually a doctoral student that needed to fulfill her internship hours prior to graduation. The sessions were based on a sliding scale, and I really did like her quite a lot. I think I might do that again. Is there something like that available in Sweden at a nearby university? Hopefully that can be an option for you, or perhaps a depression support group. Even if you aren't depressed, the leader of the support group could perhaps point you towards some community resources that you were previously unaware of.

How do I cope? My everyday life involves being stuck in an unfulfilling job and caring for my grandmother. I don't know.. I can't think too much about the future or I will have a panic attack. I'm taking baby steps right now, in just focusing on one day at a time. I talk to a couple of family members that I am close to when I start to feel myself slide into depression. I am lucky to have that. I write in my journal from time to time because I find that helps me when I am unable to talk. And I'm trying to set small goals for myself, such as applying for 1 job per week. If I don't meet those goals I try my best to not give myself a hard time about it. When I feel up to it I would like to look into volunteer opportunities in the mental health field. That's my latest goal, actually.

[hannabee]

Hi, so sorry you feel so defeated in life. I know it is not easy, but no one is going to do it for you. You have to get out there and make a life for your self! No job? read this The Epic List of 45 Business Ideas for Work At Home Moms | TheSelfEmployed.com Want a relationship? you're going to have to put yourself out there. Meet people who can maybe help you, volunteer at a hospital or soup kitchen. Like I said no one can do it for you. You are still young...get out there and do something! Big hug for you and I hope my PEP talk works!!

[Notoriousglo]

I'm 34 & in the same situation as you are sort of. I have a few diagnoses, but in my opinion major depression is the worst b/c it makes me feel unhappy. The other diagnoses I could give a **** about, really, even if I feel intrigued by them sometimes. Anyways, what you describe sounds like the "inertia" I constantly experience (inability to move forward). Lots of words for this probably, i.e...procrastination, stuck, etc. I think you might have depression, because you're implying you have this huge lack of motivation and loss of interest in pursuing life...those are two big indicators of depression. Def. seems legitimate to me. I am in therapy once a week (probably could use more) and on medications, but nothing ever changes for me. Yet I wouldn't stop trying to get help. I don't currently have a job or friends. I have a college degree and my intellect is in full tact, haha, and I think I'm really pretty. Yet, these do nothing for me...my emotional life has been completely obliterated in my opinion. You're not alone.

[SarahSweden]

tigerlily84: Yes, we have such therapy options but they still cost some and my first priority is to stay with the therapist I´m seeing at the moment but I think the chances are very small.

Thanks for the tips about the depression support group, perhaps there´s something like it here in Sweden.

I think it´s the right thing to do, to focus on just one day at a time. I would want to have large plans for the future but I don´t have the trust in change anymore and I really don´t know where to head either. I think it´s wise have these small goals, myself feel so frustrated and therefore incapable of doing that.

[SarahSweden]

hannabee: Well, in a depressive state, how logical your words may sound, it´s nearly impossible to take them in to action. To do the changes, if I could and felt strong enough I probably didn´t have any problems. I will look into the link you sent me, thanks. Also thanks for the hug, sending one back.

[SarahSweden]

euphy: It´s a strong word you use, "obliterated" but I think I understand that feeling. Being alone for a long time, not necessary completely lacking contacts, but having a feeling of being lonely makes you (and me) somewhat distansed to your feelings. You can´t allow to feel too much because the feeling you will get is probably the one of despair, that´s the case for me. I though feel quite a lot and the feelings are almost always troublesome.

If you want to share, why do you, as me myself, have no friends and no job? When I got my university degree I thought of a quite bright career with a lot of opportunities but it didn´t turn out that way.

[freefallin]

If you switched 30+ out for 25, I could have written your post. I went to college, made all As and was told how bright my future was blah blah all of those years...and now I'm basically jobless (I have a freelance writing gig, but it pays very little, and they're constantly threatening to fire me anyway.), stuck living in an abusive environment because I have nowhere else to go except under a bridge, which would probably be better, no friends, never had a boyfriend, etc. I just can't seem to figure anything out for myself, and I wish I had someone who could help me get on my feet. I can't afford therapy, but I don't have any hope that therapy would help anyway because therapists have never helped in the past. I guess I shouldn't expect them to...they're not life coaches.

I know it doesn't really help to know you're not alone and can actually be annoying when people remind you that their lives suck too, so I'm sorry. I wish I had the means to help.

[flours]

Originally Posted by SarahSweden

How do you yourself cope with your problems?

not at all.

just considering different options for the future but hard to start/to decide. I have very low energy at the moment so I haven't started any of this:

-start exercise (although I feel watched by other people which makes me very uncomfortable but I want to overcome that) because it may reduce anxiety and make me look better so I have better chances in jobs/ with other people
-get some online training to specialize in something so I can get a better job
-read more books so I don't feel intellectually stranded
(-I have this insane dream about doing a phd sometimes. but no clue about what, when, with whom or why. will just mean being stuck at least three more years and even reducing chances to get a job later. so if I wake up one day and have a fantastic idea for it I will just start collecting material.)
-maybe try online dating again if I can afford although it confirmed all my prejudices when I tried first time and was basically useless
-maybe I can bring myself to go out alone sometime
-recover some friendships
-travel if possible

[SarahSweden]

freefallin: As you I can´t afford therapy at private practises but I would really advice you to give therapy a try, at least for one session. I now mean publically financed therapy that seems easier to get into through a distric health care centre and get therapy way cheaper.

If you don´t have to pay or just pay a little I think you don´t have much to lose and me myself is a skeptical person who don´t just rush into things. I mean, I wouldn´t give you this piece of advice if I didn´t think it could help you.

I feel that never having a relationship becomes a bigger and bigger issue if you don´t deal with it and try to figure out why. Perhaps you know exactly why in your case but for me I think there are several deeper issues that have to be dealt with, preferably in therapy.

To me it seems it´s easier for you in the US to get therapy, you have a lot more insurance possibilities so I think you could give it a try and find some kind of therapist.

[SarahSweden]

flours: I think it´s great if you manage to do one or several things of thoose you mention here. I do small things like exercise and going out on my own and I think it´s better than nothing. It doesn´t make me deal with larger issues that I have to put more at stake like risking getting rejected but it gives me somewhat more than just my apartments four walls and my negative thoughts.

To get further I need therapy and that´s my largest problem at the moment beside all others issues, how to continue in therapy.

[flours]

as I said right now I am not doing any of this and it makes me feel like running away to even read that list again. don't know why I wrote that.
I don't know how I could ever tackle one of those or why I should even try.
there have been so many times of frustration and failure and embarrassment in the past I don't know how I can find the will to try again.
could give you a much better list with detailed explanations why I shouldn't try any of these.

yeah, therapy is supposed to help. but I think I'm not there yet.

[healingme4me]

What about factory/ labor work? Granted, it's probably not what you went to school for, yet, such is the way of the 30's career revelation.
Office jobs, at times can be highly clicky, and if willing to put effort in, and work hard with others, your degree can lead to promotion combined with skills that developed and respect earned.
Dunno about friends and relationships, to give anything worth hearing.