[Ruftin]

I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad, the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had.

[angelene]

Originally Posted by newgal2

What's going on Angelene? Is it Queen Kitty? I'm so sorry . . .

Yes, I miss her so much. And the feelings snowball. I think about seeing her at The Rainbow Bridge and that brings up other losses. That prompts other spiritual questions. Is there really a heaven? Am I really going to see my loved ones again? What if that's not true? What if they're all just gone?
I know this isn't the forum for that type of discussion but I'm just trying to explain how I feel... And I want to believe that when I die, I will be reunited with everyone...

[LittleEarthquakes]

Kind of cried on my way home because I felt so sad.

[hope2010]

I am so depress and sad that I can't stop crying. I am alone so I can cry all I want. I wish I am better, I wish to be able to control the horrible thoughts that depression put all over my mind and body. I will take a long shower, maybe will help me to stop crying.

[mulan]

Birthdays are the worst.
Last year I had such an awful birthday. This year too.
I don't like to receive happy birthday messages, I have to say thanks to a thing I don't care about. I don't feel any special in my birthday. So it is just weird.
But at the same time I feel sad because very few people know when my birthday is. Probably just my parents and syblings.

Today at school, just a colleague of mine remembered. And it was just because I told somedays ago it was today (another colleague was complaining, or just finding an excuse to tell everybody when her birthday was, anouncing her birthday was the day after the exam, and I told mine was on the exam day).

Apart from some other classmates that were around when she came today to wish me happy birthday, no one else knew, no else remembered. I hate to be wished an happy birthday, but I hate either that no one cares about me. It's stupid, but the only thing birthdays make me feel is forgotten and alone.

[Rose76]

I've become awfully depressed. Since October, I've been having downturn after downturn. I would rather be dead than feel like this. I don't have any suicidal plans. I am just trying to explain how awful this is.

There is no one I know who has any idea how bad my problem with depression is. It's a waste of time telling anyone because they do not understand. Here at PC, I figure people will understand who go through this themselves.

I've been having anxiety, but I can't boil it down to anything specific that I can address.

I tell myself that I've had this problem with getting severely depressed most of my life . . . and I've gotten through bad episodes before . . . and they don't last forever. They are self-limiting, it seems. But, since October, they keep coming back and it is more and more severe.

[worthit]

Had a good day with my volunteers on the marsh preserve.

[TheOriginalMe]

Mostly I did OK today. I was very busy this morning with some work that I enjoyed doing. Then this afternoon I finally got to see my T. I didn't warm to her much, but then I'm not looking for a a soulmate so I don't see that as terribly important, especially as I was feeling snarky anyway. I want to get better and if therapy is part of that then I'll put in the work.

This evening though, my mood crashed again and I lost all the benefit of a few calmer days. I'm right back to staring at my life and wanting to run away, or destroy it, or just curl up and never move again. And while I'm feeling like this, I'm meant to hold down a job and jump through the hoops of potential redundancy. Right now I'd rather SH than deal with how I'm feeling, and all my energy is being sucked into fighting with myself just to stay safe. I want it all to end, but it doesn't, it just keeps getting worse and worse.

How did I go from an OK morning to a terrible evening?

I'm feeling a bit strange. The insistence of my "t" of a borderline personality disorder is kind of making me feel worse. I know it is possible, but I also was thinking "I'm just a depressed person that is sensitive and has seen so much of the bad side of life"... that just seems to sum up me. She wants me to accept it. She isn't a psychiatrist or a therapist, she is a psychiatric nurse (that's all our health care covers). It isn't that I'm ungrateful for help, and she knows I'm done with it. I just want a break in life, something to go right for a change. I know I need to step up to the plate but I feel like everything comes down on me and I've suffered enough. It sounds wimpy to me, writing every day here I feel like a wimp. I don't want to be diagnosed as anything. My brother is harsh and says it is all my fault for not taking care of myself. I agree in a way, but I didn't ask for thyroid problems or diabetes, the thyroid was something I didn't control. Diabetes, maybe if I had eaten a better diet. I'm tired of feeling guilty for being too weak to handle everyday things. I just want to vent somewhere. I punched my pillow but it doesn't help much.

[waterknob1234]

I have an appointment with my primary doctor tomorrow. He prescribes most of my meds and I am now out of refills on my medication. He had prescribed me wellbutrin last August. I hope he will be agreeable to keeping me on it as it has helped me feel better. I can't see getting by right now without anti-depressants. This doctor has always been kind and helpful.

[LindaLu]

I'm kind of teary and nostalgic since a recent birthday. I don't want to die but getting old repulses me. What if I turn into my mother? She was miserable and selfish and made everyone else uncomfortable. What good am I anyway? What makes me think I can be any better?

[einsam]

With the weekend settling in, I'd be glad for someone - anyone - to do something with. But it's just me and the books still...

I am so glad I have this forum to come to share how I really feel. My depression has really been bad this week. I feel like I have to force myself to do everything, and nothing makes me feel better. It's just a heavy weight that is with me all the time.

I think I'm feeling stressed out about the need to get some job, even if it's not what I really want to do, because of pressure from my husband. I'm applying to admin assistant jobs online (and following up with phone calls), even though I'm highly overqualified.

I've been going up to bed very early this week. Just so tired by 7 or so that I can hardly keep my eyes open. Probably overtired from the stress I'm placing on myself with job hunting and worried about getting a job.

Hopefully I can find some satisfaction today with exercising and my horse riding lesson. I've got to find some satisfaction somewhere. Also feeling really crappy because I screwed up on a project at my volunteer position. I haven't told the manager yet. I just started there and don't want her to think I'm incompetent. I really need to focus on the things I'm doing right and the good things I have in my life.

[Ruftin]

hello teacher, tell me what's my lesson, he looks right through me....

[regretful]

Continuing with the fight against this terrible affliction. It's tiring, but life is too precious to simply give up. So I'm spending my mental energy focusing on the blessings. Best to all of you in your courageous fight.

[worthit]

A couple of people who know me have called me brave. I looked at them like they're crazy. And then I finally understood that someone with schizoaffective and PTSD has two jobs and can hold them down, even though its only part time, it's still a lot and a lot to accomplish and I've done a lot in my life and I should be proud of it. It's not an easy thing to be ill and go through life on an everyday basis. Every moment is difficult. But I'm learning better management skills and coping better.. Even when I don't cope well my T helps me to understand how to cope better the next time and that's a big help

[herethennow]

think pdoc called my fam up even though he tells me he won't.

------------- trigger warning ----------------------

nope, not doing fine.
i guess im at that point where i just dont want to care about anything anymore. that shld an attempt happen, so be it. should it succeed, then so be it. i just cant see any light to this anymore.

Well I have known it for a long time now, but seems I'm not the only one in this house who is depressed. My mom, who is sick with lung & liver cancer, & disabled by scoliosis, keeps waking up later and later. She woke up at 12:30 this afternoon and said to me: "I stayed in bed so late today on purpose because I'm so depressed." I knew her staying in bed so late was not just her physical sickness. Now I know I can't go to her with my problems because it will only make hers worse. Now only people I can talk to are the people here on PC. I feel alone. & I don't want to be told "You aren't alone!" because that really will not help me in my current state of mind.

On other hand, now I feel a great exhausting desire to take after her and stay in bed late each day myself. I am depressed also. Plus I see no point in getting up earlier if I'll just have to wait on her anyway. (I have to wait on her to get up and use the bathroom before I can even have my shower.)

Have spent the whole morning on the internet and listening to music. I feel like I am just existing here.

[LittleEarthquakes]

I'm so sorry, ShyPoetGirl.

[Angelique67]

Originally Posted by ShyPoetGirl

Well I have known it for a long time now, but seems I'm not the only one in this house who is depressed. My mom, who is sick with lung & liver cancer, & disabled by scoliosis, keeps waking up later and later. She woke up at 12:30 this afternoon and said to me: "I stayed in bed so late today on purpose because I'm so depressed." I knew her staying in bed so late was not just her physical sickness. Now I know I can't go to her with my problems because it will only make hers worse. Now only people I can talk to are the people here on PC. I feel alone. & I don't want to be told "You aren't alone!" because that really will not help me in my current state of mind.

On other hand, now I feel a great exhausting desire to take after her and stay in bed late each day myself. I am depressed also. Plus I see no point in getting up earlier if I'll just have to wait on her anyway. (I have to wait on her to get up and use the bathroom before I can even have my shower.)

Have spent the whole morning on the internet and listening to music. I feel like I am just existing here.

I didn't know your Mom was so sick. I'm really sorry, SPG.

[soft_silhouette89]

Originally Posted by tigersassy

Feel like I don't belong anywhere. I'm falling into a darkness. My cancer diagnosis is starting to process. I won't lose myself to this. I refuse to. But how do you process without going into that darkness a little?

You sound like very determined. I think its ok to go into the darkness a little bit...maybe its part of acknowledging what's happening in your life right now. I sometimes find that if I give myself permission to cry, or even sob, after something happens to me, then I clean up and move forward proactively.

Good luck

[soft_silhouette89]

I was up most of the night reminding myself that I'm unemployed because of numerous health problems. I think about what my husband's friends and family probably say about me as they look at our first year of marriage... Our home is a mess, our fridge is nearly empty, I don't trust myself to drive... I have no energy, my head is spinning and heavy, and it's very frustrating.

But I'll be ok. Perseverance is precious

Originally Posted by Angelique67

I didn't know your Mom was so sick. I'm really sorry, SPG.

Yeah...it's not something I talk about on here because it's hard for me.

She's always had the scoliosis. The lung cancer is from 30 years of smoking, and the liver cancer is from drinking just as long.

[Angelique67]

Originally Posted by ShyPoetGirl

Yeah...it's not something I talk about on here because it's hard for me.

She's always had the scoliosis. The lung cancer is from 30 years of smoking, and the liver cancer is from drinking just as long.

It reminds me I haven't had a lung xray in maybe 10 years. I thought I didn't want to know. I don't really know how you're coping. So your mom has been drinking with liver cancer?

Sent from my A0001

Originally Posted by Angelique67

It reminds me I haven't had a lung xray in maybe 10 years. I thought I didn't want to know. I don't really know how you're coping. So your mom has been drinking with liver cancer?

Sent from my A0001

I'm barely coping... yes, she still drinks with liver cancer.

I hope you get your lung checked out.