Daily Check In, ups and downs #17

Have problems with motivation, ("half-depressed").

Fairly busy morning so far. I got my haircut and some errands, but there's more to do. Feels like it's going to be a lonely day and maybe a lonely weekend. My friend is away on a retreat. I could have gone, but I didn't want to.

I just got an email from his wife saying that there will be a surprise birthday party for him tomorrow. His family and friends will be there. I really don't want to go. Well, maybe I could, but it's out of the way for me. My friend is more outgoing than I am. It seems like when there's something for him, all kinds of people would show up. With me, like on my birthday, hardly anyone would be there. On my birthday I had to go out of my way to his house for a little party. But it was just his wife and sister being there. I'm not crazy about the both of them, so I didn't go. I felt guilty about it.

really low and lonely. feeling all kinds of bad about myself in all sorts of ways. what is the point? what is the point? it's all useless - that's how I feel. I want someone to hold me gently but closely and make all the bad go away. so much bad. it's everywhere. it's come to get me and has.

Depression is some better. Not feeling like going ti therapy in two days. Some things just take time to process. If I bring this up in therapy I will feel so foolish.

Because it is Sunday, the day before my meds, I am always depressed. It starts Friday night and I cry randomly at things. I know that once I take my meds on Monday morning, I'll feel better. So, I do my best to keep a controlled environment and not let experiences upset me. People (strangers) aren't aware of how fragile a person is before taking their medication. So, I'm just lying around watching the hours pass. Crying at RHOA.. yeah, you know I'm in a bad place crying at that.

I am waiting for someone else to hold me, to tell me how they feel so I can remember how I feel, for someone to say they will be there with me forever. I am actually happy when I am by myself, I like myself. It is just fitting in to the world that is so puzzling - I feel like that Greek myth where I am continuously pushing a boulder up a hill, and it honestly feels like it is not going to get easier. Maybe I should concentrate on something different while I am participating in life.

had a rather up day today. my anxiety and ocd have let up a bit probably because I have been feeling more accepting of it that it will always be there rather than controlling trying to get rid of it.
worried about stuff as usual look like crap need a shower and have discovered I enjoy painting my nails weird colors like blue and black. other than that doing ok.

A so-so day so far. I did not go to church this morning. There was a substitute minister today of whom I'm not crazy about. Having some anxiety today.

I went to visit my friend this afternoon at 1:30, but very briefly. He had come back from the men's retreat this weekend. I could have gone, but decided not to. I gave him a birthday card because yesterday was his birthday. When I left my place at 1:30 I went to the coffee shop where I thought that he'd be at; because that was a time that there was going to be a surprise birthday party for him. I didn't want to go, but I decided to. I went to the coffee place and he was not there along with the others. I went to his house, and then his wife announced that she was taking him someplace at 2:30. So I guess they were going to meet at 2:30. I thought that it was going to be at 1:30. I worried that I'm losing my mind as I thought that I might have misread the email I got from his wife yesterday. I thought that she had said 1:30.

Anyways, my friend seemed very tired today. Well, it's no surprise since those retreats can be very tiring. It was tiring for me when I went. It was nice being with him very briefly, but kind of depressing because he didn't act like himself.

not as bad as i was yesterday, just tired...

Feeling less depressed this morning, as if it is possible to see through the fog or more right: as if I was able to take a deep look inside this weekend. I saw that I have been through some really hard experiences for some time (without support). When I could see how brave I have been living through it all, I got some sort of a "fighting spirit". I know from deep within that I will be able to manage at least something today.

Started feeling overwhelmed with racing thoughts, anxiety and depression. I meditated for about a half hour, placing my mind on my breath, and am feeling much better. Will do more as the day progresses.

Blahh! This has not been a good day and I don't know why (partially).
I feel lonely because I am truly phisically lonely. I live near the faculty, my brother second semester just beggings next week (and so he is at home with our parents) and my sister started to work this year so she moved out of the appartment we shared.

I wonder how my colleagues would react and treat me if they knew I have depression... They will not know, I am not close to any of them to tell them.
Now I am remembering how few months ago a tutor of mine questioned me untill I "confess" I had a psychiatrical ilness I was getting treatment for. "I pitty you, you could be my daughter"... She didn't understud, she ended up behaving like a real ***** to me and gave me a very low grade in the end because I wasn't a chearfull person. She was really stupid.

Today i felt like doing nothing and stayed in bed all day...
I find it difficult to accept those days but i'm trying. I have to accept that i can't be perfect all the time... I will try to go out of home again tomorrow. For now, i'm trying to stay as much positive as i can, and eat a little. That's a good start.
(I'm surprised i'm able to say this because before i would just insult myself over doing nothing again. This is a better attitude. If i continue like that i may get better?)

I feel like I shouldn't even be posting here, but I guess I just want to...

I've simply felt hopeless today; cried multiple times to vent at least some of it. It feels like every avenue for a meaningful existence is being systematically closed to me.

I'm not intelligent in any relevant way, I'm measurably and demonstrably not creative. I'm now seriously exploring the possibility that I have a personality disorder and lack empathy... so the possibility of a healthy, reciprocal, loving relationship is now out of reach; hell, even real friendships probably won't happen. And I'm lonely. I would LOVE to be able to truly, emotionally care for someone, but I can't. If I'm simply broken in the most fundamental way, and have nothing to compensate for it, why bother?

Sorry for the post.

The Skeezyks lost his internet connection a couple of weeks back. It made him angry... (everything makes the Skeezyks angry these days...) He vowed he was going off the internet for good... period! Now, unexpectedly, his internet connection seems to be back, for no apparent reason. And here he is back on the internet. The Skeezyks feels like such a weakling... an angry weakling...

I've been in a funk all day today. I don't know why. Went to work and it was alright. I have a dermatologist appointment on Wednesday. I'm not looking forward to it. Felt lonely today. At where I live, it's been cool or cold and I liked it that way. And now it's hot and sunny. So I have windows opened and hear all kinds of noise that I would rather not hear.

I worked out and felt better. But still I feel alone and scared.

It's nice to have you back.

Still feeling as though possessed by 13 year old emo hitting puberty. Anxious. Have started clipping sentences. Retreat mode.

Today i still feel like doing nothing, I mean i don't even want to see a friend that is going to Australia tomorrow for 1 year ??! That's weird. My brain is so sick and my meds don't work yet. I hate that. I feel like everything is too much of an effort... even convincing myself to get up and do something seems too difficult.
It's starting to make me anxious...

I helped a group of friends figure out a problem. They all lost perspective and let their fears run the show. Now I have to do the same for me. I have to figure out a way to communicate with my ex, to give him the benefit of the doubt, to ask for what I want, and to be comfortable with my boundaries. I am terrified of his mistress now girlfriend on the other side pushing him to give her more things, of his getting angry and punishing me and forgetting his affection, of his closing off himself to the kids. If I give in to my fears I will be just as crazy and hostile and everyone will suffer. It is hard to reach out to him in his funk and protect myself from him lashing out, from him overstepping my boundaries. I have to grow up. I have enough security to go my own way but it is better to get along with the nut ball I married and had kids with - I am part of this dysfunctional mess and I need to deal with it. If I remember how many fears I have and how I like to pull the covers over my head then I will be gentler on myself.

What a dull day this has been. I have got a cold and today I can't stop coughing. It's awfull, I can't do anything feeling like this what is maybe an excuse. I have been all day in my and in my bed on the computer. I thought about writing my thesis, but I don't feel today is the day. As I thought about going to the gym, at least I would get out of the house, but then I got these cough and I thought it was better for me not to exercice. So I am bored, and I don't know what to do to entertain myself. I also loose any will to prepare decent meals when I am just cooking for myself, I have ate poorly today and yesterday, I might now prepare a decent dinner for a change.
I am tired of being on my computer, I feel like I just watched everything that was to be watched. I even end up watching an entire episode of the biggest loser US when I never followed this show. I really feel like I have waisted a lot of usefull time.

Dropping by to say hello. I hardly ever come on this thread now but I am still a regular on the games forum.

I have my ups and downs, the last couple of days I have been binge eating for reasons that I don't understand. I'm hoping that I can get that back in control over the next few days. In the past I have struggled with binge eating during the recovery phase of my depressive cycles, I don't want it to become a big problem this time around. I guess I am feeling a little bit vulnerable because of this, but I am still so much better than I was six months ago.

I stuck to an eating plan today and today I am hopeful that I will manage this. I think appetite and sleep are my only unresolved symptoms but they have the potential to drag me back down. I don't want that to happen.

I got my divorce papers today. It felt like a death certificate for our marriage. I lost a baby when I was four months pregnant, and I had to make a choice whether I was going home or if I would get in the car and drive. I have the same clear choice today. Do I give up or do I make a home for my four kids and nurture them? Do they give me enough joy to grow with love - yes and yes, but it hurts to witness my marriage dying.

I feel tired and low in motivation, but have decided to force myself to go for a walk.