confessions of little turtle

I hate life as well... I wish we all lived closer together and not on opposite sides of the globe (or many miles away)

yes...we could have a good help group...I think I have a lot of anger built up inside of me...hugs

When it comes to people in general I am a pessimist. I fear some people would make fun of you (of us) and shame you (us).

I'm grateful Fuzzybear has her fangs. As for me, I've crawled into a deep psychological bunker.

I'm grateful for you and your wisdom, Little Turtle. Expressing yourself has done good seen and unseen. May a time come soon when you feel more comfortable expressing yourself. In the meantime, I wish you peace.

Dear Rohag, as always I bow to your wisdom - and little turtle too, you are very wise - I'm grateful for both of you

I have very serious problems in my marriage of 62 years....it causes me more stress than anything else in my life...I am always feeling guilty with my wife...I am very frustrated and angry...I will remain quiet now..

62 two years of marriage is amazing. You know I am very talkative about everything but I constantly find myself unable to express in therapy the "dance" that goes on between H and I. I think that couples slowly start changing each other for better and worse. And some of it is on an unconcious level. I am sorry about the negative emotions. Negative emotions make us sick. Some of my feelings toward my spouse did contribute to my attempt. So I really do understand. I am lucky that I have been able to make a little bit more sense of it all plus I am no longer angry because of the help I have gotten in therapy. But if he is having a bad day than so am I and vice versa. Thank goodness we have more good days now. Little Turtle, I truly hope you can become less angry, keep trying. I know it isn't easy and we can't change others. Don't ever blame yourself because of what another person feels about you. You are a good person!!

Keep posting little turtle, you're an inspiration to me and many others here - you speak the truth
(Some of us as you know have consulted sub optimal practitioners... .. And this is putting it politely )

I love how you acknowledge your humanity and don't play some sort of "g.." Like some medics I consulted did ... And did untold harm

I suspect they had very little self awareness..

(This is not about anyone on PC)

The good doctors, IMO, are those who don't think they know much about "mental illness".....

You're a good person

Do you know that I had been sent to a sanatorium without telling me that I would have to stay there for about 10days coz I was getting very angry from time to time.....my family was afraid of my anger pulses. What do you say? I wasnt happy when I was there. But now when I am back I feel like a more mature human being.And that includes stronger too.....

sounds good

Desiree it's not the length of your stay or the cost or who payed the tab , what matters is knowledge is power, which taken to a logical endpoint means "wisdom is priceless" the ability to both self reflect on your behaviour and apply self respect in your behaviour is a powerful thing , you still seem to have anger related to it being ten days you need to repair that within yourself, because your anger put you in position to lose your liberty for 10 days should be something you celebrate for the rest of your life , many people do not get 10days they lose their lives to harming themselves or someone else and paying that "tab" with imprisonment for life, you gained something very valuable in those 10 days a chance at living a free and fulfilling life with a stronger heart and a quicker mind, don't spend any more time at negative reflection of "ten days" , life is finite it will be over before we know it , use your knowledge to challenge yourself and be the best human you can be, live the life you have ,don't mourn the ten days , they were a gift, i am not attacking you , I am just making an observation ,as I say I am probably the worst motivational speaker in history but I have had some unusual things happen to me that have sharpened my skills as an observer and as a person ,I used to be really into public service and helping people, I am no less committed to helping others now that I can only do it electronicaliy from my wheelchair, maybe those lost days will sharpen you and you can advocate and mentor people with your strength and help those individuals not have to spend there own 10 days somewhere they would rather not be.
Live like there is no tomorrow, learn like you will live forever, and share with others what you know ,an online community is only as good as the people in it just like the community you live in nurture others and in turn nurture yourself.

Misterpain

I understand what you mean...but then why am I in tears half of the time after returning though it's true that I have grown stronger and more mature? I guess I am in love too...and the guy is v good but is not paying me any direct attention like isnt taking me out on dates and blah blah blah...that may explain the tears.

but then why am I in tears half of the time after returning though it's true that I have grown stronger and more mature? I guess I am in love too...and the guy is v good but is not paying me any direct attention like isnt taking me out on dates and blah blah blah...that may explain the tears.
BTW he is a schoolmate and not from the sanatorium. What to do now? I wish you could tell him how much I love him.

Who we love or why we love is unique to all of us ,but the fact that we have love is a life saver. If you love this guy dont be shy make it known to him ,if he responds in kind you could have a relationship, if he doesn't you know to move on because this relationship is going nowhere. We cry both for good things and bad things ,crying cleanses us and refreshes us , time is the true equalizer it gives us perspective, it's kinda like we have tears now to get thru each day ,so tomorrow we may understand better where we have been ,
If you love someone or something let it be known , because there is no guarantee that tomorrow you or they will be here to share it ,standing on ceremony and tradition will break your heart alot of times , if you want a date ask him his plans and share yours instead of crying alone, make certain of your heart and then make it known .

It's better to light a single candle than to curse the darkness ,so light the candle ask the guy his intentions for and with you ,nothing ventured is nothing gained , you may find a broken heart but you also may find they were wondering about you , if you sit and wonder and they sit and wonder you both go knowhere,but open a dialog and you have made something possible or let's say is it better to have a little light for along time or to have a whole lot of light for a very short time ? is the glass half empty or half full who really cares when they are thirsty ?

We're you met is irrelevant, the fact you met is the important thing ,and it seems to me you would like more now, so reach out !

wow that sounds good...

I need hugs, seriously

we all need hugs seriously...misterpain has brought out something very important....at the age of 85 I am just now coming out of my little cave..
I am so afraid that I will be rejected....I am terrified of being left out in the cold cruel world without anyone to be with....that is part of my sickness..

You can have a great big hug from me, why as a society we don't do it more often baffles me , as they say an ounce of prevention is worth more than a pound of cure, and a hug seems so simple but people make it so complex, truth be told I sometimes times roll around the house singing the Huggies diaper commercial song, it's such a comforting simple interaction that is proven healthy with infants so why when we become adults does it turn into a handshake at best or nothing at worst , unless you are amongst family and even that's questionable with the amount of broken homes and disenfranchised children due to there sexusl identity or other equally stupid family intolerance, we are doing amazing things with technology ,and robots and computers but all that equals a big zero if we are devoid of understanding, love and hugs, we can live a full and complete life without any technology billions of people have many of our ancestors didn't even have a telephone in there home ,let alone in there pocket, but look at what they had healthy communities , safe streets because everyone new there neighbors ,healthy family groups of multi generational compliments , get together over a bonfire and coffee in the center of town, those people did not need 4000 friends on social network sites , they did not have like buttons , but they had hugs and good morning and hellos ,how did humanity get so off track how did we get from Jon boy and half pint( The Waltons and Little house on the Prairie for those younger readers) to American dad and survivor , simple pieces to life have disappered , as was a slogan at one point "hugs not drugs" . If you haven't figured me out yet here's the key to me I am a very sensitive caring person who is just outraged at the decline of humanity, we call other people enemies and friendly nations and all kinds of fears of war yet silently the decline of society has coincided with the growth of technology and money ,does money have value at all when compared to the worth of a hug , I would rather sit by a pond with my son and catch fish for tonight's diner and be the poorest person dressed in rags because in my book I would be the wealthiest person alive to get a son and a family that would hug and respect each other ,

How's about we all get a big ballroom somewhere and just hug each other until we couldn't do it any more , let's take back our humanity a hundred hugs a day ,little turtle it's time to write that prescription for all of us .

And I can say with absolute certainty hugs have a tremendous value, I used to volunteer in a super max prison and hugged each participant after leading a trust circle exercise, some of these guys lit up like the biggest Christmas tree you have ever seen by being hugged , and would say things like I have not had a hug in 10 or more years,why would you trust me ? Because you made a mistake ,your still a human being and I am to assume your gonna hurt me rather than take the hug , I was willing to bet on there humanity and goodness even if they weren't.

I have run my mouth again sorry all,
Hugs all around for everyone that needs or wants them !

Big hugs!

I wish that I lived in the same part of the world that you do....we would have had so many things to enjoy...plus you may have made my guy see reason and I might have got him. He likes me since 2006, but he wont tell me. It drives me mad.

85 you are our elder statesman we can't leave you behind ,I am pretty world savy at 48,you however have first hand knowledge of things that I can only read about and imagine ( I love history,what was done in the past remains the best indicator of the future) so many people do not remember there parents and teachers saying respect your elders and learn from them, they whole climate towards our elders is wrong in my opinion , I chewed a younger person out in another community I belong to for wishing there parents would just die so they did not have to visit them anymore at the nursing home , I really started a brawl by telling them there parents should not be in a nursing home , that they were a real piece of work for not taking care of them, it makes me crazy how people can be so ungrateful for there life and care from there parents , I can understand respite care ,because care giver burnout happens all to often ,but surrendering your parents to a home and wishing them gone just pushed my buttons ,they found one of my lines in the sand and crossed it ,I frequently enjoy coffee with a group of elderly Veterans,because they have first hand knowledge of so much and the wisdom that these people have can't be found in any book .
Speaking of which Semper fi Happy Birthday anybody who was or is currently in USMC.
We used to at my house have a living history night once a month ,and got to know many of the local native Americans tribes who are some amazing people with important things passed down ( they do not forget there elders and they are some fascinating story tellers because for many of them oral history from there ancestors is the only true history of these great people and it is a privilege to be "read in" to it , when my mom passed and we had her Memorial they only portion that I did not record was a rare multi tribal elder live performance by them in a native American song honoring mothers and children ,it's rarely performed ,let alone by multi tribal elders to honor a non native American woman and mother , I have a vast collection of music from early tin pan alley jazz to modern artists but that is something I will never be able to have anywhere but in my own memory of witnessing it. So trust me little turtle I read a lot including all your postings never feel alone or think you can be forgotten , we share this common space and common ground and I look forward to reading how you are and what's on your mind, you have important things to say and everyone needs feedback , talking to the walls is operating in a vacuum ,although walls are great to vent at when something really angers you , they let you collect your thoughts into a more helpfull dialog, since my stoke I do organize my thoughts alot more with my walls and ironicaly sometimes they do silently provide clues in interesting ways, I have some things that are usual for me and one of those things is the way my house is lit,although I was raised Catholic I have adopted some other beliefs, such as leaving one light always burning for the souls of the departed to find there way back, this is a native American practice that seems to resonate in me, anyway summer of 2014 there was a shadow on my bedroom wall ,that was normally not there it showed up one Saturday and by Tuesday it was getting on my nerves trying to figure out why and how it was there , so I finally called my best friend and got the answer , that shadow was someone provoking me to make that call because my friend and I know how each other are just by the sound of there voice and she said hello world in a way I have never heard her speak ,it took me twenty minutes to get her to tell me what was wrong , Saturday afternoon one of her childhood friends lost there battle with cancer and she was devastated, she really needed a shoulder to cry on and a hug ,but she worries so much about my health she didn't want to call me or tell me anything was wrong, so walls can sometimes talk in strange ways , and that shadow was gone that night ,and since I could not go to her and be there for her in the flesh I called another friend who is also a psychologist to be my in person contact for her, I will never turn my back or leave a friend in need that includes all of you.

Misterpain

ok so much for relationships....as I went out the door ...my wife says to me....YOU ARE SO SENSITIVE....I didn't like that....I said I was proud of being sensitive....and that I had a problem with persons who are insensitive....she asked why I was upset...I told her I didn't like statements about me that were negative...this has come up frequently in front of others...that I was too sensitive...

well I am very sensitive....that is one of my best qualities...I don't want to change that...and I probably couldn't change it...

so my wife will be told over and over when this comes up...don't make negative comments about my personality...if I did something wrong I will speak up..but my self is going to be the same....my depression is partly due to anger at persons who judge me....I don't want to judge them...but don't tell me that I am too sensitive...I would push for kindness not criticism....

I went for a walk and stepped in dog poop...life is strange...

((((((((( little turtle )))))))))

I'm angry at people who judge me... I agree that being sensitive is a good quality

I was disabled for 4 years...I was unable to practice medicine...I was on social security disability...I returned to work but it was really hard...I never was able to work full-time..
and I really didn't want to work all the time...life was more than work...I survived....the diagnosis was major depression...but I am a very sensitive lazy kind of guy....I am glad I didn't grow up to be a normal boring jerk...

I'm grateful you didn't grow up to be "normal" and a boring jerk

You make this insane sick world a better place