[justpassingby]

I don't know what's wrong with me, I can't cry or even get real mad at my husband. I feel like crying but the wound is so raw it still has not reached the surface yet. He's hurt me deeply by his words of not loving me anymore like he used to, but no emotion can be felt. I don't know if anyone can relate to me but I am hurting real bad inside but my outward appearance is like nothing is wrong. Am I in denial or something? I feel depressed like crazy, but even that doesn't reflect on the outside. It's like my shield of armour is up and nothing or anyone is getting to me. I feel inside like my world is ending and I am just watching it pass me by. I can't stop the world from spinning out of control that is my control and I have my hands tied and can't do anything about it. The torure of just watching my life outside of my body and knowing I have no control of my feelings or emotions. I hope I don't crash soon into the despairs of the next episode where I only want to hide under my blanket from the world so they can't see the pain and anguish inside of me. It's funny but I didn't realize someone can also isolate from PC like I have been doing. Not participating and not giving anything in return, but now that I'm in pain to think of my own needs and want help. I'm sorry for these feelings and being such a horrible person of support around here. I want to change that if you all still want me.

of course we still want you!! you are going through a terrible , terrible time and all your feelings are justified..but even though you can see no light at the end of the tunnel right now..........you will.......let us hold your hand and help you......

I hear you sweetie, but try not to disossiate ... we're here for you, you are here for support, when you feel better yourself you can support others .... that's what pc is all about. Look after YOU

Sending hugs and care...Jin xx

[nowheretorun]

JPB, isnt it a phase, maybe even more lie from the depression? i dont think you'll find many to agree regarding your cold isolation you imagine... ive seen many thoughtful caring posts from you... hang in there...

[justpassingby]

(((((((((((butterflylady)))))))))))

((((((((((Jinny)))))))))))

You both are so kind as I've read a lot of your other posts, you are there for so many of others even when you are in pain. So why can't I be there too. I want to get my pity pot and help too, maybe I will realize I am not alone in my pain. You said not to dissociate, I'm not sure what you mean. What I feel is blank, empty and nothingness. No passion for anything. Struggling to feel something on the outside, but dead on the inside.

You all have been wonderful to me thanks so much

[froggie2]

Hang in there. When My depression is rearing its ugly head I find I am numb and don'[t care about anything. I thinks its just protection.Maybe thats what is happening to you Our bodies can't cope so they shut down.

[turquoisesea]

it's funny when you describe that feeling of nothingness... but wanting to feel so badly.... I was feeling like that a few days ago... I'm not diagnosed with anything, I'm not an expert by any means but....
people can feel that way. But it doesn't mean you cant feel or wont again. I have some moments like that... where i'll be devoid of feeling but wanting it so bad, but ...oddly enough.. someone told me that I'm a very passionate person... offhandedly.

Anyways... you're not alone... and dont give up. The feelings are there so close... I hope they poof back in place like they did for me. Try to connect with things that made you passionate. Anything to bring back the feeling.

[pachyderm]

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justpassingby said:
I don't know what's wrong with me, I can't cry or even get real mad at my husband. I feel like crying but the wound is so raw it still has not reached the surface yet. He's hurt me deeply by his words of not loving me anymore like he used to, but no emotion can be felt.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I don't know you, so maybe this is not something I should ask about, but you say your husband has told you that he doesn't love you like he used to. Well, it sounds as though things have changed, but into what? Maybe your relationship is changing into something else, not necessarily "finished"!

I can think back on a relationship I had with a girl a long time ago, in which I wasn't sure if I loved her any more. But maybe that could have developed into a better relationship, I don't know, if we had worked through it.

[justpassingby]

Thanks Froggy, Turquoi, and Pach

Every little bit of support is appreciated, too bad I can't feel the warmth you are giving me. It's like I know you are there, but nothing goes to the heart of the matter. I can't feel anything except for the knowledge that soon the depression and pain will return and kill whatever is left inside of me. It always is predictable and sure enough it keeps it's word and returns with a vengence. I'm never prepared for it no matter how hard I try to combat the depression and panic attacks that sometimes co-occurs with it. So for now I feel nothing which I guess is better than all the other feelings. I will really need your help real soon when that happens, for I don't ever want to be hospitalized again. But it always happens that way and when I return the cycle of depression and mania return. Nothing to look forward to in my life. What a great way to start the new year.

[turquoisesea]

we're here for you whenever you need anyone to talk to.
pm me anytime too... or log into chats... anything

don't give up on the good things... I know it's hard... when you're so deep into the tunnel that you just can't see the light

just keep going and do the best you can *hugs*

[justpassingby]

turqui, I wish I could hang in there, but there is no one to hold on to. My husband is no longer supporting me emotionally, just financially. We are basically separated, but living together without being formally separated. We are apart from the heart and soul. I feel so alone and isolated from others. At least when I worked last year I had some interaction with my peers. They didn't know what I was going through, but it helped to get some positive feedback on my work etc. Then that all changed and my work sufferred and I stopped being effective at work till I had to quit and file for disability. Now the long wait for the appeal through the court system. No income and total dependency on my husband for everything. I hate that, but I really can't work now and I'm not sure when I would. All I know is that I have one very good friend who does support me and no one else. I don't want to be a burden on her either and lose that close friendship. I worry so much about things like that. How much can I lean on someone before it's too much for them? I even feel embarrassed knowing that I need help from PC forum. From people who don't know me, telling them my story and expect them to care for me and how I'm doing. I feel so much guilt needing others. But that's exactly what I do need and I hate to admit it. Depression is just the name we give to that monster that rears its ugly head and lurks in the shadows for the defenseless people just waiting to pound on them with mounds of endless torture. So bad that one can only wait patiently until he arrives again to do the same. There's no sense to it all and I WANT it to STOP. I can't stand waiting anymore for the crash. I have learned to anticipate it and welcome it like I always do. Crazy uh? What's a person to do?

[(JD)]

There is so much ahead for you that is good. I know you can't see or feel it, but please try and believe it. Lean on all of our knowledge here at PC...

Yes, you want it to stop. Whenever someone is depressed so severely, they do indeed need LIFE as they KNOW IT to stop... but not to die... to CHANGE.

There are numerous things you can change, but right now the only thing you might be able to do is begin to change how you are thinking about all this, ok?

Thought stopping will help. When you notice (if you can) that you are thinking something negative, stop the thought. Try to replace it with something else.

At the top of the psychotherapy forum is a thread on the 10 common cognitive distortions. Please read and reread it. Depression lies to us..."he" tells us lies... and the way out of the choke hold it has on you is to begin working on the lies it's told and correcting the thinking.

You can make it...you can make changes.

[turquoisesea]

as far as leaning too much on friends...
people need other people. If you think about it that's the fundamental reason society exists. If we didn't need others, why the roads the cars. The movies are mostly about relationships.
I kind of feel weird responding to this in a way because I haven't opened up to anyone much at all. But, by not opening up to others I'm also pushing them away. Don't be afraid of losing your friend. I know it might be a strain for that friend, but putting myself in those shoes, I would not want you to walk away and suffer on your own.

PLEASE don't feel guilty about needing others... and especially don't feel bad about coming here. I do care how you're doing. Thing is, it's good to just tell the story sometimes. Because (at least for me) in the general day I hide so much of anything I feel... I'm sure it's the same for you. It feels so good to have people who care beside you, people who MIGHT be able to understand what you're going through. I'm here for you.... we're here for you.
Don't be embarrassed or I'll have to start being embarrassed too ^_^

and yes... waiting for something you know that will come... is often worse than when it actually comes. That's exactly why you need people though. Try your best to stop the cycle *and I know you are* but... also reach out. Talk to your friend. TRY to go out and do something... keep posting here... just keep trying I know that doesn't help at all but just don't give up, we're all rooting for you

*and agrees with above post

[justpassingby]

Sky, & Turquoi

You make good points on all sides and I agree I will go through the distortions on the list and try to replace them with positive ones. I really want to stop thinking of what will happen to me, but reality is it will happen if I worry or not. I am unsure about so many things like what will happen to me if my husband leaves me after saying he doesn't want a divorce, but doesn't love me anymore like that. How long can that last before he finds someone he is in love with or attracted to. I wish I could stop time and make things all better between us, but all the changes need to start with me and how I perceive myself, which is pretty bad. Perhaps I don't feel worthy of his love being so overweight now and not completing chores like I used to do. He's a perfectionist and hates chaos. Well welcome to my world, it's full of chaos right now. I don't know what to do about my life whether to stay with him or what leave, I have no where to go to and no money to live on right now. I can't work and couldn't afford anything to support myself or our son. Of course he would have to keep our son if I did leave. My heart would die forever. So I stay in this loveless marriage wanting him to love me and needing comfort from someone especially now and unable to get it. Thank you both for offering me some shoulders to lay my burden on. If I could cry then maybe some of the tension would subside, but I think my depression med has taken that away as well. It leaves me emotionless and unable to express what I feel inside, which is so much pain and hurt that is inescapable.

My friend does provide alot of support and I do lean on her almost every day or so, but I do feel the guilt of doing that. I want you all to know I sometimes cannot bear to read some of your posts, for I feel the heartache and pain of each person and I take it with me sometimes. It's hard to let go even someone else's pain. I hear the sorrow in so many of you and wonder why us? So yes I do want it to stop and end for me and for all of you too. So many of you are so brave and willing to share your stories and let us enter your world just to let someone like me know I'm not alone in my pain. I want to be more in control of my feelings and able to do the same. I wonder where some of the people here get the strength to go on with such torment and pain in their life, but they go on and even still work and go to school. It makes me feel lazy like I should try and find a job, but then my appeal for disability would not stand. I really need the health insurance soon and I'm afraid by the time I am approved or not it's too late and I'll have to pay private insurance. So many choices and so many outcomes. The thoughts just don't leave me. Thank you all for your compassion.

[turquoisesea]

I'm really glad you're posting... I know it may not be easy for you to do ^_^
As far as.... worrying what will happen, and about the marriage. I wish there was some "magic word" that would tell the future... too bad there isn't but, all we can do, all any person can do is control our reactions to what happens in the world around us. That's a really scary thing because we often feel like we have so little control over anything we do. All we can do though is to take things one step at a time and do the best we can. Try not to worry TOO much about what is to come, even the 'smartest' person in the world can't see the future. Just try to get through the "now" and work things out in little steps. If you were asked to climb a mountain, a really tall one, it would be much better to concentrate on each turn of the trail, or step, than staring up at the summit and thinking... "AHHHHH how can I ever get up there???"... you can't know until you deal with each step on the way as hard as that sounds. That's much harder than it sounds but... give it a try ... think small steps.

You know, I've been enjoying your posts because they really make me think about somethings... you see bravery in some of the posts here, I see bravery in you too. To come here and open up to all of us takes courage... sometimes bravery is something not felt but perceived by others as such :P... I wish i could control my feelings too but well -.- again too much to ask *sigh* we're all human we must deal. I miss crying too... I ... haven't cried in ages and it can really hurt. (I'm ok though ^_^). outta curiosity, what kinda stuff have you been doing for fun if you get any free moments? (random I know)

One other thing I really want to mention... I thought maybe, you mention feeling guilt with your friend. Have you talked to the friend about it? Perhaps just telling her that you feel guilty , explaining that you dont want to be a burden but you really appreciate all she's done for you... would that be a way to help the feeling?

I hope you figure things out... it seems like you have a lot on your plate. Keep chipping away at it And keep posting too xD

[pachyderm]

justpassingby:



You are doing better (here) than you think.

[justpassingby]

Dear Turquoi,

You know for your young age you have much wisdom. I am so sure that whatever mountain you need to climb you will succeed. Thank you for reminding me of things I should know at my age. You are simply great!

Love ya,
Erica

JPB,
I'm so sorry that you are going through such a rough time! Please stay! We'll make it through together Take care of yourself!
Soliaree

[justpassingby]

((((((((((((((Soliaree))))))))))))))

Thank you so much for thinking of me right now, I don't know what I would do without having PC and all of you helping me get through this tough time. I'm just hanging in there.

Continue to Hang in There! It will get better

[justpassingby]

I am really working on this situation at home. I am learning to totally turn off my feelings like a light switch. Right now it's off and that is so much better than feeling like death inside. I am not kidding myself, I know the pain of the emotional and physical death of my marriage is still there, but I am choosing to ignore the symptoms. It's my way of coping and it seems to be working. Eventually everything will probably come crashing on top of me, but I have no choice right now it's the only way I have to survive. My husband is just not capable of any emotions towards me and he is my main support system, so now I have one good friend that I lean on and without her I would just die, Thank God for having that on and off switch handy to simply slide either way I need it to.

[turquoisesea]

It sometimes feels good to turn off the emotions... although it scares me sometimes.... because normally when that kinda thing happens to me I don't control it.
If it's helping you to cope for now, work with it, but don't forget just because you're denying the emotions... they still exist and there is an underlying problem, don't forget to acknowledge it enough to remember to take care of yourself, and keep reaching out.
I'm sorry about your marriage but I'm so glad you have that good friend to lean on

keep trying, hope things start/keep working out for you

[justpassingby]

(((((((((((((Turquoisea))))))))))))))))))))

Good advice, now I have to practice at it. Many times I feel just like laying down and closing my eyes to every sound, feeling, surrounding and emotion and keeping them shut until the pain subsides. Raw right now, too painful to look at and deal with, tearing me up inside, but there's no one to erase the tape that plays in my head. The urge to fight back and stand my ground is just buried too far down right now. I don't care much about anything and can't seem to get the energy to feel the pain and cope rationally with it. Does this make me a coward or what? I know I have to live on for my son, but sometimes it all gets muted and dull and my reasons for living go out the window. I try and know I have to because of him and that is the only reason I don't give completely up and let the depression consume me. It's not easy pretending to be happy for the holidays and going shopping for presents, but I do. My heart is so heavy and I am struggling just to make it through each day. I hope the hurt and the pain goes away so I can feel again and find out who I am.

[turquoisesea]

well i hope it doesn't make you a coward because then most of the people on here... would be and I think so many of them are really brave. Its not you, it's the depression... it makes you not want to fight. And, really you have to overcome more than what alot of people have to deal with because of the depression. It's like trying to walk with a hurt leg. The path might be a hard one, but with the added hurt leg... its harder. But the path still leads somewhere and its best to keep going, and keep trying even if you need a few breaks and help along the way. No one ever complained about being asked for help by someone with a broken leg trying to get up some stairs right?
I've had trouble lately keeping the fight up, and I'm not even diagnosed with anything :O *just wanted to lay on my bed.... forever...* so like... things can just get tough. Just keep going. It's worth it, for the chance to enjoy yourself again once you get through this hard moment. Even if you didn't have your son... there's much to live for

Arg and good luck with the holidays... it can be hard keeping a facade of happiness up but at the same time hopefully you get to see people who care about you

[justpassingby]

Thanks turquoisea,

Hugs to you for all your well wishing and uplifting spirit. May you have a wonderful holiday and find some comfort and peace as well.