[ThePainNeverDies]

I'm really, really struggling.. And yet, I can't figure out why.. I mean.. Of course this whole police case is really getting to me, but everything else is kind of ok.. I guess not really having any-one IRL that I can talk to, without them saying "no, that's wrong, you should be thinking more like this" (like my mental health worker at college).. I am finding it really, incredibly hard and.. I've asked my connexions PA here to speak to my tutor about what's been going on recently and I hope that my tutor talks to me so that I can talk to her about all of this and just let her know how much I'm struggling..

I mean, I'm really not looking forward to the christmas gig on Rag Day on Thursday.. I've not even decided what/who I'll dress up as, so I'll probably just go as me... Or, just to make everyone laugh, say that I'm going as my tutor, because I look like her when I wear my red coat, straighten my hair and wear high heels and black trousers.. How boring? I mean, yes.. It's christmassy but still..

And then there's theory.. And singing lessons.. I'm soupposed to be doing my grade 8 (the highest grade) next year, which would be the second grade I've taken. (Last year I took grade 7). And I've only just started working on the songs I need to do, but the songs she's given me are for an alto voice, which yes, I can do, but I'd rather not do.. But then it shows off my range.. I guess.. Theory? I've got that iin 5 minutes and I'm panicking already and then the practising for the Final Major Project is after that and I bet my tutor won't let me do the one song I most want to do, along with another that I really want to do..

I am seeing my old and new key workers tomorrow, the old one, I'll be able to to tell all this.. I hope, the new one.. Nuh-uh.. So I'm at a complete loss.. Do I go home now? Or an hour early? Or do I just carry on with the day and go home exhausted and not wanting to see, hear, or talk to, anyone? I'm so stuck!!!

And I feel like I'm going to break down again.. Like I do every night, crying myself to sleep.. It's killing me inside.. I don't want to crash again, i really don't...

[cantstopcrying]

You hang in there sweetheart!! You've come so far and are doing so good. It's not a surprise you are overwhelmed. Think to the positive of how far you have come. You've got exactly the right thoughts on the alto part--it shows your range, that you are willing to step out of your comfort zone and do it--and do it well. You've been writing songs since 14 or younger--theory should be a piece of cake, just concentrate on what you know and apply it. Take one class at a time. When you start thinking of all you have and the tasks that are due, you'll get overwhelmed. Handle them as they come. Talking with your tutor is the best way....maybe once she knows all what is going on with you, she'll allow you to do the songs you'd like....but remember her goal is to challenge you, to make you reach higher than what you already are. Have faith, sweety. I believe in you.

[JudeeB]

((((((((((((The Pain Never Dies))))))))))))

in my thoughts today,
Judy

[ThePainNeverDies]

I'm back from college now. Went to theory and got quite confused.. My teacher wants to put me in at grade 3 or 4 I think.. And I'm terrified.. I only just managed to do the grade 5(ish) part of the paper that we were given.. And didn't even get around to finishing it.. I got too confused at that point. I came out of that lesson feeling tired and then had my performance lesson and had to turn a muse song into a live lounge style, which is proving very difficult.. But it helped to lift my mood.. Because I was singing again.

But then we had yet another talk about uni and it's really getting me down.. Because I just don't feel like I could cope with more education now.. But my tutor keeps saying to me that to be a professional musician I need to go to uni.. But I don't! It'd just get me into debt, put more work on me and more stress that I can't deal with.. But then there are so many other things that I want to do as well..

I want to become a professional singer, a veterinary nurse, or even a vet, have an animal sanctuary/rehoming centre of my own, before that get work experience doing that and do the animal management and veterinary nursing course at college, I want to be a counsellor/hypnotherapist, work for social services, be a receptionist, because I'm good at reading writing and spelling etc and get stuff done fast. And it's all so much stuff I want to do, yet half of this stuff I can't do as well as being a professional singer.. Because of tours and stuff.. I mean.. I'm planning on going on a tour of Great Britain next summer.. But before that I need to get some money.. And then before that I plan to go on the x factor, not to be neccessarily hugely serious about it, because it's not a lifelong wish of mine. It's just for the experience to be honest.. And then I want to advertise to do singing at parties and weddings and such. It's all too much to do at once!! And even before that, I have to get this bloody album done!

Writing songs and theory are two completely different things.. I mean.. There's so much more to theory than just "notes on a piece of paper with 5 lines on it" there's the different types of clef; Alto, Bass (F clef), Tenor and of course the usual Treble clef (G clef).. And then.. a minimum of 14 different key signatures and the notes that have sharps and flats to remember, then there's the time signature, whether it's 4/4, 3/4, 2/4, 6/8, 3/8, 2/2. etc. That's just the basics!! The different scales, which notes to "join" together, there's another word for it that begins with b and I've completely forgotten it. GAAAAHHHH!!! Then we've all just finished one essay for music industry, we have another one for that to be done by February, another one that has 3 tasks due in for February, then an aural & listening one.. Which means 2 lots of research, some examples of the music and then commenting critically on the music and the composer of the music, whether they're minimalist or impressionist.. Then there's arranging music to be done by January I believe, which is to re-write the score for "cavatina" from "The deerhunter" and put our own stylisic features into it.. That's about 6 pages long!

Then, practise for singing lessons, then work setting for my own singers that I teach.. Then job searching, going to see my Mum, going to get the rest of the christmas presents I need to get, and I need to pay for Connor's train ticket to go to both yeovil and Taunton.. Which, including me, altogether will cost me.. About £25.. And then £40 for his main christmas present, which means I have.. £15 for the rest of peoples presents.. That's £5 on Connor's Dad.. Roughly.. So £10 left for other stuff.. Like.. Rent.. And Electric.. Hm. Fun times. No money left after that and not for another week after that

And then I have to try not to let on about the rape whilst I'm at Connor's.. I can't flinch or anything, or stop people from hugging me.. I have to let it happen.. And then.. Connor might want to make love because it's christmas.. But.. I don't know if I could.. I'd feel too scared, like.. And this is going into a bit of detail.. If he was on top, I'd feel like it was happening all over again, but then even if I was on top, I'd just.. Probably freak out anyway.. Argh! I feel so s**tty for all of this happening.. I mean, on the way home, I kept looking over my shoulder, my head was whirring, I could barely see I was panicking so much.. I kept tinking there were people hiding in the bushes, or people were going to stop in their cars and grab me..

And now I've just found out that my friend swallowed a razor blade and is now in hospital after being rushed in, after the rehab staff called an ambulance, to have an emergency operation.. She has a tumour, she's been raped multiple times by her uncle, who is out again and has taken our friend's phone, so he can text her nasty things.. Ugh.. It makes me sick and I seriously can't deal with it anymore.. it's too much..

This isn't how it was supposed to be at all!! As soon as things start to look up, everyone seems to turn on me!! Can't something just go right.. For ONCE???!!

Thank you, Judy

[cantstopcrying]

Ok, did you breathe at all while typing that?? You, young lady, need to not put so much pressure on yourself. Start with Connor...You are going with him over Christmas? Are you sure about this? Don't go just because it's Christmas and you feel obligated. Remember....this is the start of you taking care of YOU. Why do you feel you have to hide the rape while with him? Yes, it's Christmas at his parents house, but that doesn't change what happened to you. If you happen to flinch when someone hugs you, you simply apologize...if they press for why then you can simply say you recently had a bad experience and are still a little jumpy from it. Regarding the money.....I'm so there with having NONE for Christmas and to live on....remember what Christmas is about. Is there anything you can make for presents? A card with a meaningful saying and a note written inside apologizing for not giving a gift, but being a student is rough and things this year have been really hard, but you wanted them to know you are sending holiday wishes and tell them what they mean to you. Regarding Connor wanting to make love...it's up to you!! Don't you do it if you are not comfortable. I don't care how far into it you are, you stop it if you are uncomfortable.

I know theory and writing songs are different, but to play those songs the way you do....the feeling you put into them, the depth you have, you have to have a foundation of theory. Take it one piece at a time. You have a huge load going, lots of different things, don't let it overwhelm you. In Tori's private lesson today he was talking about which degree and what scale--major, minor, blah blah blah--and a bunch of other words that all sounded like blahahahah and Tori was hanging in there with him, giving answers. I asked her afterwards if they were even speaking English!! There are so many opportunities for you for your career...I know why you are confused and frustrated and worried...explore all your options and don't rush it. Don't give up any of your dreams, either. What is the rush to get the album done? Focus on the important things first, one at a time, hon. One at a time.

What happened with your friend? Swallowed a razor? Stick by her and be her friend, but stay out of situations that trigger you...especially where the Uncle is concerned. Remember....taking care of you!

[ThePainNeverDies]

Ummm.. No, I probably didn't breathe knowing me.. Oops :/ I want to go over to Connor's for Christmas, I really do, because I love it there. There is always so much Christmas spirit and laughter and happiness and it's just what I need.. I just know that if I say something like I've had a bad experience, they'll press on it and not lave it.. I mean.. Today.. I had a cervical cancer jab, my second one. I had to take my coat off, I hated it because of my scars, because I thought they might ask questions, and because of not wanting anyone to see my body even when it does have clothes over the top.. She put the needle into my arm and as soon as her hand touched my arm, I jumped majorly.. I can just imagine her thinking 'whoa, she's a bit on edge..' I wish I could have just said something about it.. It's really getting to me now.. I feel I have to hide it because I feel as though, because he doesn't understand how it feels to be raped, he thinks it shouldn't be a problem me being cuddled and such. But it is. It's a huge problem.. And I can't deal with it. I suppose I could say that I'm still jumpy from the last rape.. I don't know though. I doubt tehy'd believe it.

I know, I know.. I just like to have something to give to people, I feel bad in myself if I don't.. Not because they might feel left out but because I just hate not giving things to people for birthdays or Christmas. I still need to get Connor's brothers' capo for his Birthday present which was about a week ago. I thought of a capo because he doesn't have one and I know how handy they are to have.. That's going to cost me at least £10 for a decent one, even better than mine!

I know that it's up to me.. But it's like.. I Do Want It, but then a little part of me says; 'this is scary, this reminds me of things I don't want to remember, this hurts because of how rough they were, how much pain they caused me physically..' I don't want to feel like I'm letting it affect me, I want to appear to be just getting on with my life, not letting those b*stards affect me anymore.. I want to appear Strong. It's a horrible feeling to have.. Yes I may be being strong by still keeping going and not harming since, going almost a month without harming myself in any way, shape or form, but I'd feel like I'm not strong because of letting them STILL affect me. Does any of this make sense?

The rush for me to get the album done is that I know you want it for Tori, and, obviously , to have a listen to yourself.. And because there are so many other people wanting to have it too and just because then I can say "yeah, I've done my first album already! At 17!" and then be able to work on my next batch of songs.. I want there to be a theme to each album if I can make it that way.. i want the album recorded for definate before I'm 18. That has always been my main goal. To still be 17 when I release my first album.

Yes, she swallowed a razor blade.. Just one of the blades.. it cut up her throat quite bad, but they got to her just in time to stop it doing anymore damage.. She's home now. She apologised and I dedicated a song taht I was listening to, to her. It was 'To Where You Are' by Josh groban, on youtube. She was grateful for it.. She's now seen a brighter light, like I did. She realises now that it doesn't have to be this way for her forever, and that she wants to get better, so she is making herself better and getting the help, accepting it and working with the people who are trying to help her, which really helped me.. I'm hoping to take out a video camera very soon, from college (they loan them to people) so that I can film myself singing my songs and playing them on my guitar at the same time, so I can then put them on youtube and link people to them. But that will be AFTER my album is done too.

I'm going up to my hypnotherapists room at college, in about 15 minutes, because she's the college health advisor too.. I'm getting a pregnancy test done.. And I'm terrified that if it says negative, I'll just break down in floods of tears.. But then if it says positive, I will do the same thing too because I just won't know what to do.. Either way I go, I couldn't cope.. If I kept the child, I couldn't cope. I can barely look after myself properly, with this depression and such, let alone a child too.. But then if I abort the child, that'd kill me too because I would be laden with guilt and sorrow that I couldn't have this child because it's a rapists child and connor would leave me if I kept it because he couldn't cope with that. I couldn't cope with that either, does he not get that?! It's as though he sees it as me thinking straight away; 'right, I'm going to a clinic right away to get it aborted, because I don't want a rapists child.' It's not like that at all.. It wouldn't Just be the rapist's child, it would be my child too.. And that's the thing that tears me apart the most.. Even so, it could be Connor's child and he just thinks it's the rapist's child so gets me to get rid of it, finds out it was actually his and then... I don't know..
I know I'm being so.. Detailed about this, acting like the child is there already, like I've done the test alread, but I haven't and I don't know the outcome, but these are my worries.. What'll I do? Even if it is his, he'll tell me to abort it and that'd really, really rip my life apart.. because, yes, it'd be for my own good because I'm not stable enough, but.. Mine AND His Child? How could he see it as something so easy? I don't understand.. I don't feel alive anymore, I feel like I'm going to faint any moment and I just.. Oh I don't know!

With my friend's uncle? Why should I be careful about him? Because he's a rapist too? I mean.. They all live in Surrey, so it's extremely far away from me.. About a 3 hour drive away so there's no way he could come and find me. But then again.. I'm going to see my friends over there next year, to go to a Josh Groban concert when he's next on tour.. So.. You never know..

I'm confused, and angry and upset and weak and tired and.. and.. Moody and all over the place today and Connor is not going to help if he starts questioning about the test.. i guarantee one of the first things he'll say, if not The first thing, is "Was the test positive or negative?" I don't want to talk about it at all to him.. I have a 'book of drems' at home taht i have written all about this into, it's just a normal a4 notepad, that I have called my book of dreams, becaus eit is what I hope to happen in the near future and later on in life.. One of those is to have a child... And I mean within the next 3 years or so.. Scary when I'm only 17, 18 in 6 months.. And by then, I'd want to be at thevery least engaged, but I'd prefer to be married.. It's all planned out and I've told Connor I don't want to talk to him about it or show him what's been written because i've spoken to him briefly about it before and I know his opinion about it (having a child, kitten, getting engaged etc.)

I mean, with the kitten thing, I said I wanted ot get one when I move into a flat and am allowed pets in the flat and he was like; "Great! That's a brilliant idea! I love it!" and hugged me, but then as soon as I said it'd be a disabled kitten, he was like;"Oh... Why couldn't you just get a standard kitten, one that's healthy? Because although to you it's doing something nice for a nother living thing, it'd make you depressed because of the animal being disabled and such and you wouldn't be able to be there all the time helping it if it can't walk properly or whatever. It's a new experience.. Even just having a kitten is a new experience.. because yes, you've had one before, but that was when you were living with Shana and everyone, in a house, with lots of people there to look after the cat as well as you, even though he was your cat and still is, but now that you've moved out, everything is a new experience.. Because you're on your own now.." That got me annoyed because I just thought 'well thanks for reminding me how alone I am now that I live Alone.' I know that I can deal with it.. He doesn't know whether I can or not, but I know that Any Form Of Animal, Disabled or NOT, Will Help Me. He doesn't seem to understand that i can look past a disability, he doesn't seem to get that I would feel such a huge sense of achievement for helping a kitten grow older and help their disability become less and less visible (it'd be a cat with cerebellar hypoplasia, check it out on youtube if you need to) as they get older. He siad to just get a "Normal" (ugh, I hate that word!!!!) kitten, get used ot having a kitten and look after it and then when that one "Dies off" (hate that too!!!), get another one, that is disabled.. It makes me feel crappy because.. By the time the first kitten dies, another 1,000 disabled kittens could have been put down.. It's sickening. He doesn't get how strongly I feel about these things.. I mean, he's fully up for me working at a veterinary surgery, where I'd get upset at seeing an animal die, quite happy for me to see that everyday, but not for me to HELP a disabled kitten? To feel useful, instead of useLESS because I'd be killing an animal, not saving it from slaughter because of a disability? *SIIIIIGGGHHHHHH!!!*

I can't do this if he's just going to try and keep stopping me from doing things that I KNOW will help me, that I BELIEVE will help me... Maybe it won't, but I have to take that risk and if I can't handle it, i get help with it. Simple? Yes. GRRRR!!

[cantstopcrying]

Oh K-, you make me smile. Why? Because you are so full of life and energy now....even if it is fraught with fear and hurt...you are planning for the future!! You have dreams that you now see as reachable and that makes me smile. First off--you put me wanting your album for Tori to the back of your list....I'm just super-geeked to hear it whether it's in two weeks or two years. You have your goal of finishing it before 18 and that's great, but you take me right out of it because it should not be adding pressure to you. We're just excited, not pushing you.

I only said to be careful about your friends uncle in context of him texting her and you being triggered yourself by things that have happened to you. I am so glad that she has realized there is light and hope and she is taking steps to feel better too. Sounds like you two will be good support for each other! Remember, though, you have a habit of being a "caretaker" and neglecting you--so support, but care for you first!

I think it's important that Connor know that this rape has affected you and affects how it feels to cuddle and to make love and to even be touched. Yes, it happened and is over, but it gets relived anytime you are touched, sometime maybe for no trigger at all. Please try to make him see that, be gentle but firm. I know the desire to make love is there for you, but don't put your emotional and mental well-being at risk...take it at your pace.

I think it's awesome that you want a disabled kitten. Normal is such a subjective word...that kitten will be normal...his normal, not another cats normal. Before you take on any responsibility, make sure you are ready for it and if you believe you are and have thought it through, it's your decision....thank you everyone else for your input, these are my reasons and I'm ready.

Regarding the baby please know that abortion or keeping the baby are not your only options. My personal beliefs wouldn't let me have an abortion, and I don't think I could live with that thought. That's just my belief, which I would never push on anyone else. But know, too, that there is adoption. When you went in after the rape, did they not do a pregnancy test? If you are pregnant, regardless of who the father is, remember its yours too and your decision. Just because someone wants you to do something does not mean you have to. But to be responsible, you have to look at the impact on your life, what place you are in emotionally, financially, socially and everything. I pray that the results will be one that you can handle right now...please remember to take things one day, one item at a time and you are not--are not!--alone!!

[ThePainNeverDies]

I know, but my original goal was to have it done by Christmas, so that I could throw christmas songs in.. But now, I can't.. Well i can.. But.. *sigh*.

I am being careful about my friend's Uncle, don't worry... If things get too much, I'll tell her that they are and she'll be ok with it.. I've told her before and she was ok with it.. I'll talk to her tonight about it if i get a chance, because it is getting too much now.

We made love today.. It was nice in the way that it was passionate, instead of like the rape.. But then again.. I forgot just how rough the guys had been, so there was slight pain too.. But then.. Every so often I just got a flashback.. Everytime I closed my eyes.. Connor said we could stop, but I hate feeling like I'm letting him down, so I said no, we'll carry on.. I had the desire.. But the f;ashbacks spoilt it, but I was so determined not to let them ruin it for me.. But they did.. And I feel really crappy for that.. I didn't want Connor to come into close contact with me, in case the guy did give me any infections.. i said that and he said "I'm inside you now, so it'll make no difference.." which, in itself was true, and fair enough.. I just don't want to pass anything on to him. You know? I'll just blame myself as always..

I guess I need to get out of this damned depression that I'm in before I go helping another living thing in such high need, you know? I think that's what his point is.. But i just know that when i move out, I will feel more secure and less depressed because I'll be out of this s**thole, away from all the people that keep f*cking everything up for me.. And now my sister's not being the nicest of people, along with the girl who let me borrow her phone. ukhrfiuhf#[0ip['t,flhiughevfwjnvfeutfcjg!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ***** OOOOOOOOFFFFF!!!!

Sorry, random outburst.. She asked me this morning when she'd get her phone back. This is the second time this week already, i told her I'd let her know when I know, and that I've already told her what I know so far and that she has to be patient. So she has to go ahead and tell me everyone that lives here (30 odd people) all hate me. Hm. Hard to believe when 2 of those people are actually the people that came to me the other day and after a fall out a while ago, asked to be friends again. She was swearing and cussing at me, but I just sat there and laughed, as she watched me writing my cunning, non offensive, non-swear-word-laden- replies. It actually lifted my mood a little, but then again.. I have a feeling in half an hour, I'll go back to my room and cry.. :|

As for the pregnancy.. I have wiped out the option of adoption because I know how much it messed up with my life.. I couldn't put a child through that.. That'd tear me up even more than living with the child, or having to abort it *gulps* (hate that word )

I'm not in the right place, emotionally, physically, mentally or financially. Not at all, so there's no way i could keep a child.. So I guess it's the other option.. If I am pregnant that is.. the health nurse said that because I had a period not very long ago, there's no point in taking the test because it'd just come up as negative anyway.. So.. i have to take it in about 2-3 weeks time when I'm due to come on. Scary stuff.

Another thing the nasty little b*tching girl said was that I've lied about the rape, she hopes Connor dumps me and that she hates me. Nice. She was running out of ammo at this point, I could tell. I laughed my butt off and she got even more angry sitting next to me, whilst I was laughing at what she'd written. Then explained the meaning of true love. hehee! I am very proud of myself for that.

Back to the rape.. I still don't think Connor does know how it's affected me.. I can't explain to him.. i mean, for instance when we were making love, and he touched me and I flinched, I kept apologising.. Saying "sorry my love.. I'm sorry I keep flinching.. I just.. I'm sorry..." To which he'd reply; "It's ok baby, honestly. It's ok. I understand.." But he doesn't.. he really doesn't.. There was one point where he kissed me and he was leaning over me, so when he kissed me, I pulled away because I got the picture of the rapist's face into Connor's face if that makes sense.. I could sense the offence he took from it, so kissed him again.. To make up for it, to show him that I do want to kiss him, but it's just the rapist.. like he's not left me at all, like he's still there and decides to come out of hiding, into the picture, you know? God, this is so.. morbid..

I don't want to live like this, yet no-one will give me any form of counselling for the rape, I have no-one that specialises in rape cases, so I can't talk to anyone.. I have no-one, absolutely no-one to talk to about it, no-one to support me at all, no matter how much I ask for it and it's really making things all the more harder and I'm more likely to crash... *cries* Told you I'd cry.. This is horrible, I can't take much more abuse.. It's ripping me apart..

[cantstopcrying]

Good for you for standing up for yourself, for not being agressive or swearing. Certainly it made her mad, she was hoping to make you mad or to hurt you and you chose not to let it. Wonderful what happens when we take control of our choices.

It sounds like Connor is trying...which is a huge step above last week. Remember, hon, especially so soon after the rape, you don't have to do anything just because you feel bad even though you don't want to. You are the one that needs care and pampering and gentleness right now. It's very normal for you to super-impose his face on Connors--especially considering you have not had anyone to help you process this and to deal with it how it should be. Are there rape hotlines in your area? You could call one and talk to someone there. You really do need to talk to someone to help work through it. You are doing great, but you know very well that right below the surface is the fear and the anger and everything else. Please, no matter how many times you get told no help, continue seeking it out. If there truly are no help groups around, consider starting one...just a support group for rape victims to know they aren't alone. (big task, more drain on your time, though).

Good call on realizing you really aren't in a place emotionally or otherwise to care for a kitten....let alone a child. I'm sorry your adoption has given you such an outlook on it can be a wonderful thing if handled correctly. You'll know what to do when the time is right. Try not to let the fear of being pregnant weigh on you right now...worrying about it will not help you. Exploring your options will, worrying won't.

K-you are so generous and thoughtful--and talented--and you really are making huge, huge strides. I hope you extremely proud of you. Sure, you'll have times like this when you do end up crying, but now you see that it won't last forever, that there is reason to go on!

[ThePainNeverDies]

I am really prud of myself for standing up for myself and for coming so far with the depression.. i mean, I'm really struggling right now, but all that matters to me at the moment is the fact that I'm still holding onto that hope that things will get better, still thinking about the fact that it will eventually get easier such a long way compared to my other posts, from a while ago.

I know Connor is trying and I really do love him for that.. The onyl rape hotline there is that I know of is victim support, and the police are supposed to allocate me someone from theer, but they actually haven't they're being so damned useless at the moment! ARGH! I haven't been told of any groups around, or any specialist counsellors, people that specialise in rape, in this area. It's so crappy! I don't think I could set it up anytime soon to be honest..

I know, I'm glad that I'm deciding this.. But just having a kitten would help my mental state.. I know adoption can be a wonderful thing if handled correctly, and I just know that if I was to give a child up for adoption, I just would not be able to let go, because I'd be terrified that they end up like me.. I'd rather keep a child than put them through that.. I really would.

See, I'm trying my best to hold onto the fact that it won't last forever, but something new always crops up to make me cry again.. I mean tonight.. Was the christmas party here at the foyer, YMCA, that I live in (it's supported housing for 16-25 yr olds), and it's supposed to be a happy, chilled out night, right? Wrong. When the person that was a witness who lied about the rape, was there and her "friend" Charlene, who used to be a "friend" of mine was there, and a few other people who hate me because of Sam (the witness) spreading lies about me, it was the worst party I have ever, in my whole entire life, been to. They were all looking at me, talking about me, laughing at me when I went to light a candle, to show that I was sharing prayer with the other people who were lighting candles.. I knew that they were saying that I was praying that the case would come through positively for me, meaning the guy gets sent down.. but actually, no. I didn't pray for me at all.. I almost cried, I admit that.. because all i was thinking about was others and about how these girls were *****ing about me, ruining my happy mood because my singing had gone well earlier on in the day.. The people I was praying for were two people, two friends that I have never met face to face, met online and have been worried about and was hoping were okay. I prayed for them because I felt they were in need of my hope and my prayer.. I ignored those *****es laughing at me, to concentrate on the one thing that was important to me, and that was to ensure that at least someone was keeping watch over those friends, making sure that they would be okay. And really, I hope that the prayer will help them to be safe.. I'd hate for anything to happen to them..

A friend opposite me listed a few things that she thought I'd paryed about and none of them were right, because the most important things to me was my friends, you know? I then went and sat back down and as I was laughing and joking with people on my table, Sam turned to Sarah (a girl who sam has made hate me) and said "See? She wouldn't be smiling and laughing so much if she'd been raped!" It infuriated me, i felt like standing up, going over there and making her not realise what hit her, because she'd be too unconscious to know.. I never talk like that, but that is really how she made me feel

I just carried on enjoying myself, I wanted to show the staff that, despite what's happened, I can put it to rest for at least a few hours in order to have a little bit of fun.

I just hope things do start to look up.. i really, really do..

[cantstopcrying]

Oh the uncaringness and rudeness and just plain meanness of some! And unless she had been raped, too, she wouldn't have any idea what you would be doing. You are doing what you need to do to survive and move on. Yes, you could be huddled in your room on your bed fearful of every shadow....or you can be determined to live your life and not let those bas****s steal everything from you. They are mean, derogatory people who have no satisfaction in their own life and want to take somebody down. Praises go to you for not letting it be you! Christmas parties are always hard, especially with people that spiteful. You lit your candles and said your prayers for the people you needed to and wanted to and prayers are something personal and special, not something for them to be guessing at and commenting on. You did everything right. So why's it still frustrating, I know. Because of people like Sam and Charlene. Things already are looking up--you're here and getting healthier and happier and stronger every day!!

[ThePainNeverDies]

I know.. I mean.. I do keep myself huddled up in my room, after the centre closes at 9.. i try my best not to go and see people because I want to be left alone, and yes, I am fearful of every sound, shadow, movement.. Anything and it's horrible.. I'd rather have the distraction of people.. I mean, for instance, I was going to go to a drinking session at a friend's house, with people there that both Connor and I trust, which was an added bonus for me that people that Connor trusts are going to be there. So, as he'd asked me to before, I let him know.. But no. He was having none of it.. Do you know what he said? Ugh, this really got to me.. "ugh.. After you've just been raped, do you think that's a good idea?"
So, being pissed off with a lot of people at that point telling me what I can and can't do, I bit back..

"you know, you say this about the rape, about not going out drinking, I wasn't going to go out drinking, i was going to see a few people, not even drink, just chat and have a laugh,so I can cheer myself up after a ****** night. A night that was supposed to be full of christmas cheer, but just ****ed up and caused me to feel really ****. I wanted to go see people to make me feel better. And I'm sorry for wanting to make myself feel better, I really am." He'd left by then. so will probably get it as an offline message at some point.. I just couldn't hold in ho wfed up I am with people always telling me what to do.. I'm independent, I live alone, I have no-one here that wants to spend time chatting with me, so why can't I spend time with people that actually do and that actually give a **** about me? People that CAN protect me and anyway, i wasn't going to drink..

Would he rather me drink alone? In y room, get pissed on my own and feel really **** still? Rather than go out, not drink, or just have a couple of glasses of wine and feel ok, light headed, but okay, able to chat and laugh..?
FEEK OKAY!!!!

He wants to meet up with me now.. Great.. Get ready for me to be even more pissed off tomorrow.. let's hope I'm not because I'm going to see my birth Mother tomorrow.. i want to be okay for her sake..

I just wish things didn't look so bleak all of the time!!! Even when things are starting to look up, I start to dread when the next bout of s**t's going to come along..

[cantstopcrying]

Take some hugs with you for strength and to remember to let yourself shine!!

[ThePainNeverDies]

Haha, that made me giggle Connor's sat here too and he laughed :P
Feeling rather ill today So spent the morning shopping then when I got back, went to bed and had the same horrible dream as last night, I'll explain it later on when I'm online as I have some food shopping to get

[sadly_me]

wow! sounds like you are going through more than a lot! and so young!!

i haven't a clue what to say to make you feel any better - except to say that i care. i do hope things work out for you and you are able to begin to heal and feel better.

definitely don't put so much pressure on yourself. you have enough pain and angst in your life without adding stress to it. you sound like a very intelligent and very talented girl. you'll do fine with your schooling and singing and whatever else you try.

keep reaching out to people. i am utterly amazed by your strength! do you know? do you realize how strong you are? you don't have to be...but you definitely are!

take care of yourself. you seem like a truly amazing person! a blessing in this world!

a very gentle

[ThePainNeverDies]

I'm exhausted.. Past few days have been so, so boring and tiresome and.. Depressing and I'm just so tired of it all.. I didn't sleep well at all last night.. Woke up at about 7 this morning, went back to sleep. Or at least-I attempted to.. I'm so weak, so hungry but unableto eat, so lost.. And I just feel like my whole world is being torn up.

I've panicked this morning because I can't find one of the vital christmas presents that I need to find and I have no way of getting hold of Connor to find out where the hell he's put the damned thing. Why do men always expect us women to be bloody super women?! I have a crumble to make and some curry to make too.. If I feel like eating it that is.. The crumble isn't for me, thankfully.. I did a practise run yesterday, which wasn't too bad.

My throat, chest and nose are so sore.. Stupid, stupid cold weather giving me flu and such.. That's why I feel so run down and tired I suppose.. But also being scared that someone's going to somehow get into my room doesn't help. There's been a guy around here, who's been climbing in peoples windows and taking stuff, then going to see his girlfriend who lives here. It makes me sick. That's part of the reason why i can't sleep. The other is because my mind is always working overtime at night.. Grrrr!!

I'm so fed up! I'm constantly watching my back wherever I go, constantly looking over my shoulder, feeling panicked whenever it starts to get dark.. It's horrible.. I think I saw the rapist the other night.. When I was with a friend, going to our friend's flat. I got so panicked that he'd seen me and was going to stop and beat me up or something.. I've still been getting crap from Charlene and Sam, but they've now started getting people that don't even know me involved, other people from here and more people that don't even know me.. It's really getting on my nerves.. Then as soon as they see me face to face (after typing crap all over my homepage), they're all nice and two-f*cking-faced!!! It really does rile me up! (In case you hadn't noticed..) The christmas party was supposed to be enjoyable but no, they made it a living hell for me..