[lucami]

II don't know if I'm posting in good topic but anyway.. I feel so unreal today. and like everything is unreal, doesn't matter... like someone would be talking to my ears but I can't hear it, stupid isn't it... couldn't get up today, for last few days I have to force myself to eating, cleaning face, doing anything.. but today this lack of power to do anything is way more heavier, even writing here now takes me a lot of time...I have no idea what to do.. my parents says only that I'm lazy, when I told my mother about my suicide feelings she only yelled at me that I'm stupid, that if I would go to work I wouldn't have feelings like that..yeah sure I can't even force myself to make commissions I supposed to draw 2 weeks ago... can't live like that, seeing my hand but don't feeling like they are mine, watching world around but not 'seeing it'... forcing myself to doing every simple task, I don't have any power anymore, no reason to even try...

[Patagonia]

(((Lucami)))
Don't know what to tell you but your mom is WAY wrong! You're not stupid & it was very courageous of you to reach out to her. Is there a hotline you can call? Are you very suicidal? Do you have a T or someone you can call when it gets this bad? Keep reaching out & please stay safe!
((((Hugs))))

[lucami]

for my whole life i've been told that, and i just can think in different way... i feel stupid, ugly, like i don't matter, fat even if i'm underweight for whole life... for last 2h i've been in so big period pain that i couldn't even talk, get up from bed, no pain killers at home, now it's bit lighter pain but im still crying and i don't know if i should try go buy pain killers or just wait till pain is over... or maybe it's just that big that i stop feeling it...
i don't have t yet in monday i should be called and get to know when i can see doc and get therapy.. but i wouldn't call anyone even if i would had t already... i grow up with 'your problems doesn't matter' and i feel imposing when i'm asking for help... only once i called psychiatrist when i had very obsessive thoughts at Christmas and i felt so guilty after that... so the only place where i can look for help is internet, i feel like when i'm trying help others i 'can' ask for help too, you know something for something, nothing for free...
suicidal feelings are mostly like panic attacks for me, comes and goes, often are very heavy, but i always thought that i feel like that but i don't want to kill myself, i want to live... but lately when i hear i'm good for nothing everyday, that my brother's gf is almost perfect and has everything i should have, i feel like my life is pointless.....


edit, 2h of great pain, and now it almost disappeared... is this possible?... i have feeling like it's too quick, and maybe i don't remember something, or maybe i'm dead...

[Kiya]

totally agree with Patagonia!
You are in the right place. A lot of us feel unreal often - watching our selves or hands or feet move without our knowing we're doing it or feeling it. Depersonalization.
I hope you can stay safe, and please reach out to a hotline or emergency services if you can't keep safe! Thinking of you.

[amandalouise]

I see by your profile and other posts you have depresison/Seasonal Affective disorder (SAD). the symptoms that you posted about are consistant with that including having dissociative symptoms (not saying you posted in the worng place just noticing something that may help)

the type of dissociative symptoms that come with depresison SAD can b helped with antidepressants ie feeling disconnected and out of control becuase of SAD symptoms (trouble getting out of bed, having to force yourself to get dressed and washed fed, suicidal...)

the way it works is you take care of the depression/SAD with antidepressants and its symptoms including the dissociated ones associated with the disorder go away. the hard part is finding the right antidepressant for each person.

my suggestion is if this continues to bother you call your treatment provider, they can adjust your meds or change your meds or precribe a medication that may work for you so that your depression/SAD symptoms are not so heavy/hard for you, in turn will make the dissociative symptoms feel less out of control/over taking your life.

I also have depression/SAD with dissociative symptoms. you are not alone.

[lucami]

thanks Kiya but it is normal if my depersonalization is changing? sometimes I feel it different than other day... hard to describe by words, but it's just 'different'... at the moment I feel same dd as in the day I wrote this first post, have this 'feeling of talking without hearing' stuff.. but sometimes it feels totally different I have psychiatrist in wednesday, so maybe he will help, but I'm afraid that this time he may say I had wrong diagnosis, and it something mental and I should go to mental hospital... mental hospitals here are scary, old creepy buildings I don't want to go there....

[Fuzzybear]

[Kiya]

yike - well I will hope for you that you are not sent to a mental hospital! take care of you!!

[lucami]

Originally Posted by amandalouise

I see by your profile and other posts you have depresison/Seasonal Affective disorder (SAD). the symptoms that you posted about are consistant with that including having dissociative symptoms (not saying you posted in the worng place just noticing something that may help)

the type of dissociative symptoms that come with depresison SAD can b helped with antidepressants ie feeling disconnected and out of control becuase of SAD symptoms (trouble getting out of bed, having to force yourself to get dressed and washed fed, suicidal...)

the way it works is you take care of the depression/SAD with antidepressants and its symptoms including the dissociated ones associated with the disorder go away. the hard part is finding the right antidepressant for each person.

my suggestion is if this continues to bother you call your treatment provider, they can adjust your meds or change your meds or precribe a medication that may work for you so that your depression/SAD symptoms are not so heavy/hard for you, in turn will make the dissociative symptoms feel less out of control/over taking your life.

I also have depression/SAD with dissociative symptoms. you are not alone.

yes, well depends of doctor and how I feel at the day I'm going to doc they say it's depression/sad/gad/agoraphobia/social phobia/panic disorder/somatic attacks, sometimes I feel like it would be easier to say what I don't have..
Do you think it could be somehow cured without antidepressants? after I tired ssri about 3 years ago I still have big fear of any kind of meds :c even taking iron for anemia is hard for me, I need to ask mother to be next to me when I'm taking it, and since I was a kid I can't swallow pills, I have to have liquid meds only or something that can be crushed if there's no way without meds :c

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by lucami

yes, well depends of doctor and how I feel at the day I'm going to doc they say it's depression/sad/gad/agoraphobia/social phobia/panic disorder/somatic attacks, sometimes I feel like it would be easier to say what I don't have..
Do you think it could be somehow cured without antidepressants? after I tired ssri about 3 years ago I still have big fear of any kind of meds :c even taking iron for anemia is hard for me, I need to ask mother to be next to me when I'm taking it, and since I was a kid I can't swallow pills, I have to have liquid meds only or something that can be crushed if there's no way without meds :c

antidepressants are like any other medication it works for some doesnt for others and others get mixed results. the only way to find out if it works for you is to try it. your treatment providers will be able to help you find the right medication for you and your problems including the swallowing problems.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by lucami

yes, well depends of doctor and how I feel at the day I'm going to doc they say it's depression/sad/gad/agoraphobia/social phobia/panic disorder/somatic attacks, sometimes I feel like it would be easier to say what I don't have..
Do you think it could be somehow cured without antidepressants? after I tired ssri about 3 years ago I still have big fear of any kind of meds :c even taking iron for anemia is hard for me, I need to ask mother to be next to me when I'm taking it, and since I was a kid I can't swallow pills, I have to have liquid meds only or something that can be crushed if there's no way without meds :c

your question will depression/sad cure without meds. again it depends. each person is different. you will need to contact a treatment provider in your off the computer location, that doctor, therapist or psychiatrist will be able to answer whether your situation is one where meds are/are not necessary.

[lucami]

yeah but I don't want to be a lab rabbit, especially when I tried already 2 SSRI, benzo, and had only side effects.. and after meds I started to have suicidal feelings, before I tried meds and group therapy I had only problem with depression and panic attacks when I was going out, at my room I was safe.. I have a toxic family which I have to live with, and after meds my last safe place disappeared, suicidal feelings came, obsessive thoughts about shatans, being possessed, depersonalization, derealization, since then I had very heavy episodes of dd, and I had few situations that I was believing for few sec for something freaky or saw sth for sec or two, so I don't know if maybe meds triggered something in my mind? maybe it's schizoaffective disorder which showed after meds? or too much stress at home? I wsh that I could be cured just by therapy..
eh I feel strange and crazy right now, like something would get out of me, and had thought about shooting myself in a head, that's so stupid I can't get why I have feelings and thoughts about killing myself when I don't want it, now also feelings like I would kill someone when I don't want it... I'm worried that I could do this, even if my last t said that people with anxiety may fear this but won't do this...
am I crazy ? :c

[Kiya]

Meds can cause hallucinations - I have experienced that. And depersonalization as well. I won't stay on those. I want to feel better, not worse. I've tried over 2 dozen different meds and I will only stick with 4 these days. Any time you feel sui or any of those other things on the meds, it is important to bring it up to you doctor. be safe!

[lucami]

amandalouise I was at psychiatrist, and he said that I don't have psychosis, shizoafective like I was worried, just depression and anxiety turned on all the time.. And with such heavy attacks and fear I probably should take meds :c But with my fear of meds I don't know how I supposed to even try, especially when I spend like 80% of a day alone:/ I fear I could do something stupid and there would be no one around to stop me...

Kiya I have told my first psychiatrist how I felt after meds, and she totally ignored this, just said something like 'meh, still take this meds', ignored that I started to fear even eating or staying alone coz of feeling that I'l die, and every other symptom.. even my very suicidal feelings-.- this one doc I was at in Thursday seems to be more idk, more like caring type, he seems to understand my doubts, and when I asked him for something light, he gave me hydroxyzine in liquid, I'll see how it will work for me drinking this everyday:c and I have to check thyroid again eh>.<

btw I know, no suicidal post on forum, but I wonder if only in my country people thinks when you talk about suicidal feelings/thoughts out loud you definitely won't do this, or in usa and other countries ppl are like this too? It started to annoy me lately, my sui feeling come and go like waves, just one of this very strong waves came to me about 15 min ago, but while typing now I feel it goes away... I texted friend and she just wrote 'you're telling me this, so u won't do this' and that's all, docs, mother, anyone I tried to talk about it because I'm scared that I might somehow kill myself, just ignore this like it would be just gibberish

[Kiya]

I'm sorry you are not being heard, validated or believed! In USA suicide became so high that people finally are taking it (mostly) seriously. Especially since even our Hollywood Stars are attempting/committing. I hope for you that these waves stay just waves and not become attempts. Do you have a suicide hotline you can call? You might check one out so that you have at least that on your side when no one else (but us here at PC) will listen. Be as safe as you can be!

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by lucami

amandalouise I was at psychiatrist, and he said that I don't have psychosis, shizoafective like I was worried, just depression and anxiety turned on all the time.. And with such heavy attacks and fear I probably should take meds :c But with my fear of meds I don't know how I supposed to even try, especially when I spend like 80% of a day alone:/ I fear I could do something stupid and there would be no one around to stop me...

Kiya I have told my first psychiatrist how I felt after meds, and she totally ignored this, just said something like 'meh, still take this meds', ignored that I started to fear even eating or staying alone coz of feeling that I'l die, and every other symptom.. even my very suicidal feelings-.- this one doc I was at in Thursday seems to be more idk, more like caring type, he seems to understand my doubts, and when I asked him for something light, he gave me hydroxyzine in liquid, I'll see how it will work for me drinking this everyday:c and I have to check thyroid again eh>.<

btw I know, no suicidal post on forum, but I wonder if only in my country people thinks when you talk about suicidal feelings/thoughts out loud you definitely won't do this, or in usa and other countries ppl are like this too? It started to annoy me lately, my sui feeling come and go like waves, just one of this very strong waves came to me about 15 min ago, but while typing now I feel it goes away... I texted friend and she just wrote 'you're telling me this, so u won't do this' and that's all, docs, mother, anyone I tried to talk about it because I'm scared that I might somehow kill myself, just ignore this like it would be just gibberish

thanks for clarifying. your wonderings abot the USA and suicide talk....well here in the USA suicide talk is taken very seriously.most treatment providers unlike in your country do not believe if you talk about it you wont do it. here treatment providers have to work under the assumption that if someone says they feel or want to commit suicide they must assume the person is going to do so, then evaluate whether that person is just having thoughts about it, whether they have a plan in place to prevent it, a plan in place to do so, how close that person is to carrying out that plan.

The USA also has a problem with things like suicidal people going on rampages shooting up schools and other public places harming and killing others when they do so. usually the outcome has been the killer leaving behind information to the fact that they were suicidal and decided to take as many along with them. each time this kind of thing happens more and more stricter laws and ethics are put in place to help prevent this.

here in New York we have zero tolerance laws that were put in place back when 9/11 happened. We also have mental health laws and ethics that state it is illegal for someone to be a danger to their self and others. here where I work the standard is if someone is talking about suicide they must be hospitalized with a 72 hour involuntary hold for psychiatric evaluation, to evaluate whether it is "just talk" or more serious.

[lucami]

Originally Posted by Kiya

I'm sorry you are not being heard, validated or believed! In USA suicide became so high that people finally are taking it (mostly) seriously. Especially since even our Hollywood Stars are attempting/committing. I hope for you that these waves stay just waves and not become attempts. Do you have a suicide hotline you can call? You might check one out so that you have at least that on your side when no one else (but us here at PC) will listen. Be as safe as you can be!

Kiya I see, I can't recall any Polish actor/musician/etc who would suicide, it's very rare here, so maybe that's why ppl are careless about this topic and don't take it serious..
I wonder now if maybe my suicide feelings and thoughts are OCD? like this obsessive thoughts about being possessed etc... My life sucks since 4 years, but generally I want to live.. today I had thoughts like I don't want to live on this planet anymore probably thanks to my parents and what psychiatrist said, 'you are wasting your life', it hit me hard because I know this very well, I hear everyday how old and useless I am, but how am I supposed to live when I have anxiety panic and agoraphobia and no one really tries to help? >.>
I checked and there is suicide hotline, from monday to friday, 4pm-9pm.. great, my not dear suicide thoughts, wait till monday, even if you are coming right now eh. I don't feel fear of killing myself like before, just heavy derealization and damn thoughts.. good that I found that forum I feel this is the only place where ppl understands me

[lucami]

Originally Posted by amandalouise

thanks for clarifying. your wonderings abot the USA and suicide talk....well here in the USA suicide talk is taken very seriously.most treatment providers unlike in your country do not believe if you talk about it you wont do it. here treatment providers have to work under the assumption that if someone says they feel or want to commit suicide they must assume the person is going to do so, then evaluate whether that person is just having thoughts about it, whether they have a plan in place to prevent it, a plan in place to do so, how close that person is to carrying out that plan.

The USA also has a problem with things like suicidal people going on rampages shooting up schools and other public places harming and killing others when they do so. usually the outcome has been the killer leaving behind information to the fact that they were suicidal and decided to take as many along with them. each time this kind of thing happens more and more stricter laws and ethics are put in place to help prevent this.

here in New York we have zero tolerance laws that were put in place back when 9/11 happened. We also have mental health laws and ethics that state it is illegal for someone to be a danger to their self and others. here where I work the standard is if someone is talking about suicide they must be hospitalized with a 72 hour involuntary hold for psychiatric evaluation, to evaluate whether it is "just talk" or more serious.

amandalouise good that it's taken serious there, hmm something like pictures in my head of myself stabbing with kitchen knife or feelings like something is pushing me to jump from balcony would be consider as serious threat when I don't really want it? I'm overthinking everything and don't see this little borders between ocd anxiety and sth serious :s
imo if guns were illegal in US there would be no mass killings at schools etc.. here if someone gets killed it's mostly cuz of addictions, accidents, or machete, which is cheaper to buy than pizza, but well, it's still rare. and only with guns it is possible to do mass killing in a few sec.. eh I don't get why guns are sold so easily and this kind of killing lunatics decide to take as many along with them mostly from random ppl, it would make a sense if they would kill someone who done sth to them..
72h hold should be here too, but for now or problem is ignored, or straight to mental hospital with tons of meds:s

[Jmoore0507]

Originally Posted by lucami

thanks Kiya but it is normal if my depersonalization is changing? sometimes I feel it different than other day... hard to describe by words, but it's just 'different'... at the moment I feel same dd as in the day I wrote this first post, have this 'feeling of talking without hearing' stuff.. but sometimes it feels totally different I have psychiatrist in wednesday, so maybe he will help, but I'm afraid that this time he may say I had wrong diagnosis, and it something mental and I should go to mental hospital... mental hospitals here are scary, old creepy buildings I don't want to go there....

Sometimes we need to get inpatient care when things get hard to handle and when you need a starting place. It sounds you have been dealing with this for awhile now and getting a t is a good start. Being inpatient (if possible for you) can help to get you on the right track. They can at least, hopefully, set you up with resources to get you on the right track. It sounds like you are in a difficult place and need help, it is scary to think of going to the hospital but sometimes it is a necessary evil. I have no training in the mental health field and all this I am speaking from experience. You have to start somewhere and regrouping and finding out your options may help. Hugs

[Kiya]

Sheesh, what do people do on the weekends or nights if they feel this way? Well - there are many online sites to prevent sui, if you find yourself in need.

Originally Posted by lucami

Kiya I see, I can't recall any Polish actor/musician/etc who would suicide, it's very rare here, so maybe that's why ppl are careless about this topic and don't take it serious..
I wonder now if maybe my suicide feelings and thoughts are OCD? like this obsessive thoughts about being possessed etc... My life sucks since 4 years, but generally I want to live.. today I had thoughts like I don't want to live on this planet anymore probably thanks to my parents and what psychiatrist said, 'you are wasting your life', it hit me hard because I know this very well, I hear everyday how old and useless I am, but how am I supposed to live when I have anxiety panic and agoraphobia and no one really tries to help? >.>
I checked and there is suicide hotline, from monday to friday, 4pm-9pm.. great, my not dear suicide thoughts, wait till monday, even if you are coming right now eh. I don't feel fear of killing myself like before, just heavy derealization and damn thoughts.. good that I found that forum I feel this is the only place where ppl understands me

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by lucami

amandalouise good that it's taken serious there, hmm something like pictures in my head of myself stabbing with kitchen knife or feelings like something is pushing me to jump from balcony would be consider as serious threat when I don't really want it? I'm overthinking everything and don't see this little borders between ocd anxiety and sth serious :s
imo if guns were illegal in US there would be no mass killings at schools etc.. here if someone gets killed it's mostly cuz of addictions, accidents, or machete, which is cheaper to buy than pizza, but well, it's still rare. and only with guns it is possible to do mass killing in a few sec.. eh I don't get why guns are sold so easily and this kind of killing lunatics decide to take as many along with them mostly from random ppl, it would make a sense if they would kill someone who done sth to them..
72h hold should be here too, but for now or problem is ignored, or straight to mental hospital with tons of meds:s

no that would not be considered a threat ......unless....this has happened to you before and you acted on it when it happened before. in either case it would still be taken seriously because such things point to something isnt right for you...something is upsetting you, something is triggering you. the most important person in therapy is you and so if you are having a problem the therapist would want to help you figure out what is causing that problem and help you figure out a way that you can solve that problem.

[lucami]

Originally Posted by Kiya

Sheesh, what do people do on the weekends or nights if they feel this way? Well - there are many online sites to prevent sui, if you find yourself in need.

yup, this is just stupid *sigh* yeah, great that internet exist, without it i would probably have no help at all:/

[lucami]

Originally Posted by Jmoore0507

Sometimes we need to get inpatient care when things get hard to handle and when you need a starting place. It sounds you have been dealing with this for awhile now and getting a t is a good start. Being inpatient (if possible for you) can help to get you on the right track. They can at least, hopefully, set you up with resources to get you on the right track. It sounds like you are in a difficult place and need help, it is scary to think of going to the hospital but sometimes it is a necessary evil. I have no training in the mental health field and all this I am speaking from experience. You have to start somewhere and regrouping and finding out your options may help. Hugs

hey Jmoore, I'm dealing with anxiety and stuff about 4 years now.. and still didn't find behavioral t :/ no behavioral t for insurance in my city, only private eh. the problem with mental hospital besides creepy looking building is that they would me force to take meds there, when i always felt waaay worse after meds... and today after visiting doc he said seems like i have underactive thyroid and it can be one of the reasons of my panic attacks dd etc :c

[lucami]

Originally Posted by amandalouise

no that would not be considered a threat ......unless....this has happened to you before and you acted on it when it happened before. in either case it would still be taken seriously because such things point to something isnt right for you...something is upsetting you, something is triggering you. the most important person in therapy is you and so if you are having a problem the therapist would want to help you figure out what is causing that problem and help you figure out a way that you can solve that problem.

feelings like this and pictures in my head happens quite often lately, but i never tired to hurt or kill myself, when I have this i won't even touch knife, scissors, keep away from balcony.. today i had very stressful day, been to another doc, had panic attack while waiting, I feel sick like I have flu or cold, but he said I'm ok, but looked on my old blood test results and said that seems like I have underactive thyroid *which my gp totally ignored*.. at home i checked thyroid symptoms and it really scared me.. then had another stress and now suddenly I got heavy dd, feel like I would be 'out of my body' and like something is pushing me to jump from balcony again :/ so many triggers all the time eh :c
'the most important person in therapy is you' actually I never felt like that, the last t I've been to seemed bored of what I said and she kicked me everytime out of her office when one hour has passed, even when I asked her if I could stay just for one min longer, just to pull myself together.. but she didn't care that I'm crying and are in pieces, said no and I had to go cry on the street... this made me feel like I don't count at all...

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by lucami

feelings like this and pictures in my head happens quite often lately, but i never tired to hurt or kill myself, when I have this i won't even touch knife, scissors, keep away from balcony.. today i had very stressful day, been to another doc, had panic attack while waiting, I feel sick like I have flu or cold, but he said I'm ok, but looked on my old blood test results and said that seems like I have underactive thyroid *which my gp totally ignored*.. at home i checked thyroid symptoms and it really scared me.. then had another stress and now suddenly I got heavy dd, feel like I would be 'out of my body' and like something is pushing me to jump from balcony again :/ so many triggers all the time eh :c
'the most important person in therapy is you' actually I never felt like that, the last t I've been to seemed bored of what I said and she kicked me everytime out of her office when one hour has passed, even when I asked her if I could stay just for one min longer, just to pull myself together.. but she didn't care that I'm crying and are in pieces, said no and I had to go cry on the street... this made me feel like I don't count at all...

yea most mental health agencies have a rule that they meet with clients for 50- one hour sessions and then the session is over. on rare occasions some are willing to go beyond that. I have a rule for my own therapy sessions. when ever I start with a new treatment provider I check in with them about what the rules/boundaries are about such things. that way I know that if I may need my therapist for more than 50-one hour to work on something I schedule for a longer session (most mental health agencies in america will schedule 15 minute, half hour, hour and longer if they have been asked ahead of time so that they can make sure no one gets scheduled back to back with those who may need longer time slots.)

suggestion since you know you may need longer sessions check with the treatment provider, not during a moment when you are crying and upset because thats too late for the therapist to reschedule the one waiting already for the appointment right after you. usually a good time to ask for a longer session is at the beginning of your sessions for a future session...

example....

Therapist and I go into her office to begin the session...
therapist hi amanda how are you today.
me well I have something I want to talk to you about but it may take more than how long we have today can we schedule for a longer session for sometime next week...

this way the therapist can look at her schedule and say when they are available for a longer session that wont run into their other clients or their off duty time.