:/

thats all i been trying to do lately, just leave things alone and stop being an idiot.. whatever it is i dont wanna mess with it anymore you know

i don't really know where any programs could of came from.. im not entirely sure how they work but only know about the ones ive read about through curiousity many years ago like mkultra and stuff..
maybe i did it to myself...
can people program you by accident..? like just because of abuse without really intenting on creating programs?
i think im just trying to come up with excuses for a life full of shame and pain hehe..

after the abuse stopped ... i think... i started doing things to myself it seems.. trying to figure out everything.. i ended up in like a few cult groups but i dont think they could of done it because i was already having problems.. but maybe i did it to myself.. to keep myself from myself, or everyone... or maybe everything was just right for them to create themselves..
urgh, writing things like these sends me into a ... ii cant describe, some where in my mind and i just leave time and reality with no ability to really think but have these things go on in my mind -

why would i do this to myself, i feel so stupid...
hard to say anything about these kind of things because its just something that people wont belive...
i dont evn belive it... i was suposed to be smart, but some how... feel like my mind is trying to delete itself... confusing me... overloading parts so they shut down and reboot in safe mode.. run on low power so full systems cant operate... viruses killing programs to clean everything and fix problms... causing the problem to just spred and get worse and more confusing..

blah it sounds so dumb
why cant i just shut up and forget about everything you know?
tired of looking like an idiot
tired of being confused and lost...

i dunno whats wrong with me... im just tired i guess...
the mind playing jokes on me.. you know everytime that feeling happen before i was able to just say it because i was drunk or high... or because i just wanted to get drunk or high really bad... but now that im not really doing those things it just makes me feel like all i have ever done was make excuses for everything.. and it makes my head spin because its my whole life .. like it doesnt exist.. lies, many lies.. but i never wanted to lie... didnt mean to cause any problems
just wanted to get through the day without hurting was all... its so confusing when time feels like this, i dont think other people feel time like this... how can you live in so many times at once... it does make you just want to get drunk hehe

i dunno.. i cant remember anyone chanting things to me or .. whatever.. i just know i went through prolonged suffering where maybe i did it to myself trying to make things ok..? to seem ok.. i dunno.. i dont like thinking about it.... scares me..
having alot of flashbacks already so i shouldnt be so vague maybe..
i have a really hard time with time line / time scale or whatever.. my whole child hood was hard though... until the foster care and then.. well i dont really remember... i just know that they said i was a straight A student and stuff... and then when i went back home i just quit going to school in 6th grade because i didnt wanna deal with anyone or people or anything any more... looking back i feel so sad because i hurt so much but didnt know how to tell someone that things are not ok... because i was suposed to be stronger and able to hold my self together for my family to give everyone suport and strength and... whatever you know.. i lost it some where... and im only just now starting to realize it... i isolate so much feel so bad about not helping my family or atleast spending more time with people... but i cant do it... i just dont want to go through those ... things... i have to do when around other people... like to just hide in my room with myself because atleast some parts of me understand.. but no one in the real world does or probably ever can...
damnit

like... in 2011 i was really out of control.. not able to do what i wanted to do and just kept drinking and stuff doing what everyone else wanted me to do.. but the only thing i wanted to do was climb in the closet and hide from everything... so i guess thats why .. i let another part just do whatever.. but i started having problems, like when i started vomiting blood it pulled me way down and i was like what the hell ...
so whatever.. i tried talking to a GP and he said i was depressed and gave me celexa..
maybe one month i took it and i freaked one night i just flipped and was crying upset because i thought everyone thought i was crazy and i just dumped all the pills down the toilet .. maybe i was just drunk i dunno... but they realy hurt my feelings i remember...
i dunno why..
then in 2011-2012 i went back to a new one and he said i was depressed and had panic disorder... then i went to the clinic and they said i was bipolar, ptsd, gad, blablabla...
went there like 3½-4 years..
i quit going there because the doctor was a bloody jerk and wouldnt listen to me or take anything i said seriously... he seemed to know more about me than i knew about myself, telling me how the medicine made me feel and if it was helping me or not.. when i just kept telling him that no its not right and im really not feeling that much better and now having all these side effects and gaining weight on top of everything plus everyone here pestering me about quitting smoking weed and drinking because "its hurting me" ..... if it kept me alive for that long how it hurting me like that i dunno... those stupid pills they gave me didnt do anything but make me lose faith in the bloody system though.. and the way they treated me... like i was making things up or exaggerating things or malingering or whatever... i hate them...

whatever.. im pretty sure they never knew what was wrong with me..
think it is all the trauma... the psychologist i saw in feb said that it seems heavily psychological... and if i could work with a therapist i probably could sort things out... he also told me that i had severe mdd recurrent without psychotic features, adhd, gad, somatization... PTSD.. avoidant personality disorder traits / tendencies...
just thinking about my whole past, the way doctors treated/diagnosed me.. makes me shake my head... at the clinic i kept telling them to please test me for adhd and they wouldn't.. they said i was fine and that i dont have adhd but they would never talk to me about it... then i did the testing with the psychologist and he said yeah it looks like adhd... but now im just like i dunno, its probably not any of that either...
i just dunno... aim tired...

done rambling
sorry.. my brain isnt working very well...
sometimes feels like im talking backwards, or in circles...

i gotta stop this

i just dont know what to believe

i just need to grab something real and say "YAY! A BOTTLE OF WATER, IT IS REAL!"
nothing else matters, i cant figure things out so why is it driving me crazy..
just accept that i dont know... and it doesnt matter... if i did know what could it change... nothing....

im so stubborn... why do i have to be like this



giving up... just please make it stop... let me go back into the illusion and pretend like i know what is happening,
i wanna go home... where ever home is....

tired of being like this... so tired...
what did i do wrong..

thanks for putting up with me.. really..

im sorry

probably a triggering post... my mind is a mess so im sorry..

letting people see me act like this or say these things, even though its online and you all dont know me, is really embarrassing..
i hate attention.. but i do want to get better.. atleast gain some control

im just being faced with a problem that i was noticing when i first started treatment with the clinic.. they wanted me to try to identify triggers, you know.. i was like sure i can try to pay attention and see whats goin on, cause of course i never pay attention..
so i tried really hard back then, obviously i have some of the classic triggers..
but i noticed then that it was really difficult to identify ANY trigger most of the time.. like it was just coming from inside of me, trigger myself, but what brings it on..?
when everything is fine and you are just in lala land trying to relax and have some fun with your family, even enjoying yourself ..?
its been happening ALOT now.. or maybe it has always been happening and because i dont pay attention to some things i cant realize it.. well, not cant but just choosing not to or something..
it just happens.. i dunno if there is a such thing as a "dissociative flashback" but its what it feels like.. the sexual abuse ones wont leave me alone... and new ones keep coming
i dunno why they took advantage of someone so vulnerable.. i dunno why i was so vulnerable, or why i didnt make it not happen..? feel like i could of run away or done anything to stop it...
i have other flashbacks too but the SA ones are predominant.. usually atleast...
maybe because the violence and stuff in the home was more disturbing and easier to block out...

i've kept trying to figure out these things that trigger me ever since i started looking for help.. but its just like it wants to come out of me and i just push it away and hide it in my mind.. but it keeps popping up on its own and i dunno how to really handle it...
i wanna stop feeling those things and seeing those things and... i dont want to believe it happened, you know, i want to make it go away... i disconnect myself a great deal, but it hurts on different levels.. its more than hurts, its destroying me.. how can i feel like a man..? how can i feel clean, not disgustting or useless or worthless.. so pathetic... those things are so demeaning... so damaging... and yet its like it was just another life, everywhere i look its like it never happened, but im so stuck and trapped... i know i will have to deal with it some day and trying to push it away and hide from it wont help.. but i just cant do this right now you know..?
i already feel pathetic not being able to take care of myself.. having these kind of things pop up and making me feel like a bloody dumb stupid grrrr.... its ruining everything!

blah.. not that there is much left to ruin... just my fantasy... that nothing ever happened... and i dont want to leave yet... i dont want to accept things... i dont want it to be me... i dunno why i let those things happen... but i couldnt do anything.. it even feels like maybe i enjoyed it... but i keep feeling that scared feeling... no i dont want to do this i can hear.... please be over soon... why am i doing this... why is this happening... this isnt real..
you know those things... probably lots of things, i just dont want to hear it i dont want to see it or feel it i wanna make it not happen but i dont know how to go back and stop it..
i dunno what was wrong with me... what is wrong with me i mean

i used to call this stuff internal conflict.. because it seems like im being pulled in so many directions sometimes... but im just empty alot anymore... im indifferent and the memories and flashbacks and other things are all thats left of me...
i dont know how to explain being empty its just not me, but i know that it has to be me.. but i have a really hard time remembering things until the flashbacks bring it up... and if it calms down ill go back to my place, if people would leave me alone i could stay there... where everything is fine.. where those things dont matter, but its not possible.. drugs and alcohol helped for years but its not feasible for me to behave like that... and i would like to take care of my body more... and not hurt myself because i have been hurt enough.. and not rely on drugs to block everything... its just so nice not having to deal with any of it though you know... but i dont want people to think im a drug addict, or actualy be a drug addict/alcoholic.. because people think enough things about me already... and drugs and alcohol just gives them an excuse to preach... like i just need to go to church and find god in my life and stop doing alcohol and drugs and i will be just fine... because i have demons inside of me that want to take me to hell or something i dunno..
clearly i dont believe that.. although i do feel like a demon sometimes.. other times an angel... other times.. well i feel like a lot of things.. :x
i just dont think simply going to a church is going to cure me.. and i have already practically quit drinking all together, i'll have a few once a month maybe.. and i dont do anything else so obviously getting the substance use / self medicating undercontrol wont cure me...
its just easy for people to say thats what my problem is i guess... and that im lazy and dont want to work and just wanna play video games or read or sit in my room all day and sleep without interacting with anyone because im lazy or something...

um.. i dunno what im saying, i think i got off topic
sorry

anyway.. i just dont understand why im being triggered by seemingly nothing..?
after some minutes after the stuff comes to the surface i can somewhat push it away and pretend like everything is fine and forget all about everything again until it happens again, it just that its been happening a great deal ultimately.. and sometimes in such rapid succession that it really messes me up.. sometimes seems like a bunch of it all at once even..
im telling myself that its probably because i've been running from things for so long its just tired of me ignoring who i am and what happened to me.. is that plausible?
my life has changed a lot .. i think in the past year..? i mean moved.. sister had a baby and all of my brothers moved out and have wifes now and are having kids and... it seems like im stuck in the past... and im confused why everyone is moving ahead while i seem to be stuck.. but my "normal" is like being outside of everything, outside of time, outside of experience.. i dont really get to remember things, so i cant be like ahh what a good day it was today, i enjoyed some video game and a good movie and even ate "this"!
because i cant remember anything i do during the day, besides the things that are like routine and i dont even really remember that i just assume its what ive been doing because its what i usually do you know..?
i cant remember the weeks... or months/years... sometimes ill look at the calendar a few times a day to see what day or month it is but usually i just dont look at it at all because it annoys me not being able to stay in "today" i guess... or maybe looking at the calendar messes up the illusion so i avoid it, i dunno honestly..

im just really hurt... and sometimes i feel so afraid because i dont really know whats wrong with me or whats happening to me or whatever..
but its driving me crazy because i feel like theres a part of me that enjoys this, that im suffering and its trying to drive me crazy by telling me things like im making it all up and.. im just exaggerating things.. and i feel like its laughing at me... because i keep making myself look stupid and acting like a fool on these forums...

its just im too afraid to even try to talk to any of my family about anything ... and even if i wasn't afraid i dont want to talk to any of them because i dont want to hurt them, or want them to blame themselves... you know what i mean..?
because they suffered enough too i think and if they can move on from it then thats good... i dont want to drag anyone down with me...
plus im used to being alone... but im never really alone because im always there, and i feel safer when im alone.. scared of judgement and being hurt and... stuff...

but i dont always behave like that because i have to hold appearances and make people think that i am fine and normal you know..?
but it sucks because people only know those other faces and i wont let anyone close to me to even try to help.. seems like when they do try to help and i accidently let someone too close i will just stop it by changing everything, so im really scared that someone is going to find me writing on these forums and see that im not that calm cool guy that is able to make everyone happy...
i dunno, i just wish i could fix things, i want to be myself but i dunno which i am anymore .. that just makes you wanna get high you know?
i want people to like me but i know they would treat me different if they knew the real me... so i guess i hide all the bad things... well as well as i can, sometimes i lose control and stupid stuff happens - like getting ready to kill someone or running around without a shirt on acting like a pimp or something weird.. i never take my shirt off because of scars you know so :x but whatever..
i dunno why i try to hide things anymore, people probably already think im super crazy

atleast i feel like im really crazy... how can anyone feel like this, how is this possible?
why on earth did i think that it was a normal feeling and that everyone experiences these things?
i remember when i was younger asking others about it and they all told me it was normal.. that i just think alot... but i dont think its natural to have so many pathways going in different directions at the same time.. atleast since i started thinking about it again recently it doesnt seem like other people do it, they seem fairly grounded and present in the moment.. where as i can just float around into different ... well.. i adapt to my surroundings i guess.. but i think everyone does that... it just makes me feel so bad sometimes... i think im living a lie... i think im a liar... but i dont try to be, i just try to make everything easy and fluid..
maybe its just the avoidant personality stuff the psych mentioned.. its not like im running around lieing blatantly about things to gain anything - i just try to fill in the gaps as much as i can and everyone knows better than to ask me about something i remember because i cant remember things- but i'll be screaming and crying inside and trying to calm my mind down and alot going on inside and someone will walk in to ask me something or whatever and i just turn around grinning or something and am just as calm ... able to deal with them before returning to the internal battle field
and its like why cant i tell someone whats happening to me?
is it just that i dont want help?
i think i have alot of confusion because of cognitive dissonance.. and the dissonance because... well i dont really know.. i dont understand why i cant understand, or what am i supposed to understand even..? im really lost and confused :/
sorry for not making much sense... the feeling of not knowing anything is sublime..?
i think that i somehow have gotten rid of all of my memories.. well not gotten rid of them but put them somewhere and im not sure where...
i guess im just writing this mainly to try to confront myself or something...

i cant say if its helping to write here or not because i cant remember how it was the other days.. i dunno if its getting worse or if its always been like this... i know the flashbacks are getting worse though, god... i hate the flashbacks so much... i wanna forget so bad !!!


i dont want that stuff to happen to me... but it keeps happening over and over and over and over.... in my mind...
i dunno what to do... i want a therapist but im afraid... afraid of what they will do to me... but im afraid of not doing it too... so i AM going to make myself do it... i just dunno if im ready for this...
the last therapist i had i cant remember what we talked about.. i think she just tried to help with anxiety... but im not really sure.. what if i try to do therapy again and i just cant remember things again and it just wont help...

im so tired, so so tired
weary from fighting.. but my enemies know everything about me and i know nothing about them...

sorry.. im gonna stop here - feels like maybe i have been writing for a few hours... but it probably wasnt a few minutes.. or maybe it was a few hours and it feels like a few minutes..?
i dunno... im confused.. sigh...

im blushing but i want help...
so throwing a hook in the pond, maybe the nice breeze will take my mind off the pain...

sorry... thanks...

My heart breaks to hear how much you are suffering right now, ES. It is so incredibly painful when all the noise inside and out becomes deafening loud. Can't think can't concentrate can't distract.... IT LITERALLY IS TORTURE! I've been they trying to find ANYWAY ANYWHERE ANYTHING ANYBODY to just make it STOP!!!

I know it's hard now.. and I don't have any good advice cuz I never have beat it back... but try to remember that the storm must pass eventually... " it can't rain all the time."
Sending you Infinite (((HUGS)))

thanks....
i am fine...

my head is splitting wide open today... maybe from couple beers i drank... not many, maybe 4-6...
maybe from all the yelling inside...
just want it to stop....
why do i hate myself... but i dont...
please i want to run away

i try to do somethings good... to help me through things...
but im always wrong... even if it feels good and right...
spinning...

it was good the other day... a quiet day...
i felt nice, i thought im fine, ive just been stressing..
everything is going to be fine, ......

was thinking maybe im just bipolar and was becoming manic...
what a joke... but how things rings in the mind...
atleast i tried to enjoy it while it lasted...
maybe thats why....

im so stupid...
maybe its just the avoidant personality tendencies...
i dont know how to hide from myself and i dont have the drugs to turn things off...
i dunno how to silence it.... someone says to try to meditate, you can clear your mind and things be quiet.. lol...

couldnt sleep at all the night of the good day... guess i made myself mad...
torture resumes... but no one knows...

my head....

sorry about writing this...
i just dont think i can handle this...

dont feel bad for me...
please dont..

i have no more words...
sorry....


Ring-a-round the rosie,
A pocket full of posies,
Ashes! Ashes!
We all fall down....


i took some naproxen for my headache... but it didnt phase it...
wish i had some pain pills... or something strong...

i feel so stupid... dont like the things saying in my head... very mean...

whatever, ill be fine..
trying not to be stupid here...
just gonna shhh

this song, but it probably be triggering
is a little violent ...
Block McCloud | Crazy Man (Straitjacket Remix) f/RA The Rugged Man & Celph Titled


B-Real feat. Nate Dogg - Warriors


i need sleep...












am i going to get in trouble ?

These made me so happy

i think they are cute too

i am fine, im just being weird lately..
dont pay any attention to me, sometimes im not thinking
just a bunch of strange coincidences popping up and making me feel weird
and having confusion on top of it is just fanning flames making my imagination go crazy or something
but its ok, im probably just a bit tired too because i haven't been sleeping very well for a little while...
dunno why i post stuff here when i dont even know what im talking about, i gotta learn to control that

making myself look silly... and hope im not annoying anyone, i cant delete these posts that i know of

i have a couple of questions about memory...
i am going to try to keep it elementary though because it seems complex to me and i just want a couple simple answers..

from what i have read, if i remember.. (haha )
it seems the Hippocampus has an important role in developing memory..
and it also seems that PTSD can cause some effect on the Hippocampus..

i do have PTSD.. and from recent realizations it would seem that it greatly affects me more than i ever even considered.. honestly, i never even thought about it or even cared much about having PTSD, i didnt see how it effected me at all and wasn't really sure that i even had it.. i just thought that i dealt with "the past" and moved on (which i know now that i did not)

this aspect of my "illness" is the only thing that i can attribute to my memory problems... i have read many cases and subjects extensively trying to understand "myself" and possibly what is happening with me, or what happened to me to put me in this kind of position..
i have not come across anything that can really explain the severity of my memory troubles, besides something like Dementia, Alzheimers, Tumors, or other similarly related type diseases/disorders.. but none of it makes sense or adds up because of lack of other symptms... or the lack of solidarity in symptoms..

now i am not trying to self diagnose myself at all, i simply want to understand myself and what is happening to me.. so that i can hopefully explain to a doctor in a way that will not make them treat me like a "wacko".. because when you have a patient come into your office and list off all of these things explaining a bunch of symptoms that just make you scratch your head, obviously the doctor is going to just brush off alot of it as some kind of hysteria without giving a whole lot of weight to the complaints..
that is what has been happening to me, but i've been trying to understand symptoms myself so that i could try to help them understand what it is i am experiencing..
but it is very difficult trying to explain a symptom(s) that you do not understand, that does not make very much sense, that is contradictory, especially when you are in the midst of giving up because doctor(s) can't understand you and think you are wasting their time or just trying to feign symptoms..

i have NEVER tried to mislead any doctor or exaggerate any symptoms.. but i believe that they believe that i have.. which really disturbs me because it is very hard for me to even make a doctor appointment, much less drag myself to the appointment, and even more trying to explain my experience when i dont even understand these things myself .. have you ever asked someone that is blind to describe what your car looks like? yeah, that can be irritating

i do not know how to explain or even mention the severity of my memory issue without sounding like an idiot.. because it is extraordinary.. atleast to me, and apparently to the doctors i have tried to tell.. they dont even pay any attention to it like it is not very important at all, but that what is important is my "imaginary" mania / bipolar disorder that they want to adamantly put on me.. when i cant even see how that is relevant.. but whatever, they have their agendas, their ideas, their understandings of the patient.. and i've probably confused the hell out of them trying to explain things that i don't understand so its probably my fault.. i shouldn't of tried to conceal some of the symptoms and keep them from making wrong assumptions.. but i thought explain what i think i understand, the best i can, but leave out the stuff that confuses me because if i confuse them i'll mess everything up and never know what is happening with me.. but that backfired, i should of just told them "I DONT KNOW" but i thought i had to say something because i didnt want to waste my time and theirs, drag myself to an appointment to no avail and not get anywhere but put myself through a load of anxiety for no reason that would not have any results...
(hmm.. having a de-ja vu moment... i hope i haven't already said all of these things before)

anyway... i digress...
i do have problems with severe anxiety and severe depression... but those things are explainable.. even treatable..

what really disturbs me is the memory issues... when i think about it, its as if i am simply watching a film pass by, my head will turn and look around the room and things will appear surreal and i dont really feel as if its my body that i am "within" .. or tied to.. connected to in some form.. its a story that i am reading, and these images are the imaginations creation to put into perspective the many paragraphs of words that my mind filters through to give me a visual affect - a 3 dimensional understanding of some words..
i feel completely indifferent, to this.. i couldn't care less about not being real or connected to a real world.. but i have thousand parts that are screaming in confusion that want to know what is happening and some emotions can over come me..
but i dont want to go into that...

the issue is that i cant remember anything, ALOT of people say that... it has almost lost meaning, i try to tell someone that i have memory problems and they say "oh yeah so do i" and im like.. what did you do this morning? and they tell me, and i shake my head because i don't know what happened this morning, or if it was even this morning that i got out of bed, but yesterday and some how i didnt sleep and another day passed, or maybe i moved backwards in time.. or forwards... TIME does not really exist for me..
my memory recall is nearly NULL... and if anyone can grasp the severity of it, then perhaps someone could understand my concern... i shouldn't simply be concerned, i should be terrified - but i dont really care.. but i would like to understand so that i can make the other things relax so i can forget about everything..

the few memories that will pop into my head are events that i would be acting completely out of character, which not many events pop into my mind.. i can count them on my hands.. but the memories are not really like my memories, i can see my body going through those events and acting like a different person in 3rd person, i don't know how crazy all of this sounds.. but i believe that i have said a lot of things on this website that already makes me appear loony so im not really sure that matters..

it just disturbs me that i don't really have much recall of whats going on, what am i doing here? what have i done? what am i going to do?
you begin to question your existence... question your identity... question reality... Question the questions...
i myself have become frustrated and annoyed because of this "non-sense" .. some kind of medical phenomenon... perplexing issue that makes you look like an idiot that is just seeking attention and wanting sympathy or something of the likes..
which could not be further from the truth for me, because i do not run around telling anyone about any of this.. i can not stand attention and dont want people to even look at me most of the time much less talk to me..
so when someone looks at you with those eyes when you do slip and let something come through, like they are astounded because of the things you said "Can not" be true simply because you do not appear to have such problems...
or they believe that no-one could have those problems...
whenever that part comes through and wants to try to talk about something and someone shoots you down, you will hide and refrain from saying ANYTHING, atleast this is what it seems to me.. i dont care what other people think, as long as they are not thinking about me

it is very difficult to talk about, difficult to try to explain, difficult to try to cope with or live with much less having to try to PROVE to someone that something is indeed happening..

the only thing that i have been able to tell myself is that through my traumatic experiences the part of my brain they call the Hippocampus that is related to memory and emotions and such has been severely damaged..

What are you supposed to do about that? to repair damage so that you can recover "yourself" .. is it fixable?

am i the only "Human" (or animal/plant for that matter) that has difficulties with memory like this?
i know that it sounds completely unreal and extraordinary in ways that just make it feel like it is impossible .. but please don't do to me what everyone does and simply dismiss these things as exaggerations.. i wish that i was exaggerating, to be completely honest if anything i am not making it sound severe enough... but it is what it is and i can only try to say these things in a way that will not make me freak out and believe that everyone is going to think i am a liar.. because i will run away and stop talking about it again for a long time..

i tell myself that if i am struggling this much with memory, maybe i don't want to remember ..
living like this does make it easier to "cope" because i don't have to face my inner fears, worries, desires, needs, wants, whatever ..
but it is a little saddening not having a solid sense of myself, my past, what i want in the future, what happens today and what not..
but if this is what im doing to try to deal with my severe depression and anxiety then that is ok too, until i can have a professional that wants to listen to me "cry" about stupid things and try to "fix" me ..
i realize that memory recall is one of those things that can be modified by the self .. but is it possible to be so severe? and unintentional..?

hmm, im not entirely sure why im posting this here...
maybe someone can understand me though and help me understand so that i can actually tell someone who can help

i would sincerely like to be normal and have a real life, but at the same time that is frightening to me, i dont want to experience those feelings and emotions that normal people experience.. i am going through a battle with myself trying to understand some things and help myself get to a point of understanding where i can heal and move forwards, become more connected and actually able to have a real life.. because maybe life does not have to be terrifying, maybe life can be pleasant - whatever that is ..

I do apologize for writing in such lengths.. perhaps one day i'll convince myself to write a book since apparently i enjoy typing so much..

Summarizing:
I have memory problems..
the problem does not stretch across weeks, but seconds...
i can forget almost instantly what is happening or going on, or i can not forget and when i try to recall i wont know.. i dont know if that makes sense, it is IMPOSSIBLE for me to know what day it is and what i did .. unless i have a flash in my mind to trigger some emotional response that triggers a form of recall..
these problems have a great effect on my life...
I dont understand...
it really irritates me more than anything because i think its bloody stupid
but it also scares me, although i don't really care at this point..
so at the same time i am relieved not being able to recall things - i dont have to deal with "stuff" if i can't remember, apparently
PTSD is probably one of my biggest problems...
as well as probably some type of personality issue...

am i in some way causing this to happen to myself on purpose?
I would like to know how to tell a doctor these things..
How do you get them to take you seriously..
what do you do about the misdiagnosis they give you when your information you give them is inaccurate?

hmm... that is all.. im getting tired, cant write anymore..
probably maked this sound really confusing too...
which i am sorry, i am confused too

there goes that feeling "delete this, dont post it, you're being an idiot again"

i am fine, im just tired ..
im going to post it anyway though, if i am making myself look like an idiot then just ignore me - i wont remember in a little while anyway

i hope you all have a good day

short version you probably wont find anything on the internet about dissociative type memory problems simply because in 2013 everything that was mental disorders including problems\symptoms, diagnostic criteria and so on have been changed. much of what you find on the internet is now outdated and no longer what treatment providers go by. what you are trying to find to fit yourself unintentionally into dissociative problems may now since 2013 be part of what you recently got diagnosed as, also drugs and alcohol usage that you have been posting recently about can also cause memory problems that you have put in this post.

to put it bluntly if I remember right you did a whole lot of research and had yourself convinced what your problems were then when you went through the actual diagnostics what you found and pegged yourself as a possibility turned out to be other mental disorders than you thought. that lead to a big let down for you. Im worried you are headed down the same road again. I dont want to see you hurt.

my suggestion like before is to not do all the researching you are doing. like you said you are not purposely misleading your treatment providers but sometimes even when we dont intend to do that doing research can have that affect.

people with memory problems do not usually have a problem describing their memory problems. people know whether for example they are losing time, spacing out, forgetting to do things, forgetting where they put their keys and other personal items, having trouble remembering how they got places ...(all these things are normal forgetfulness kinds of stuff but it shows an an example of how a persons brain works whether mentally disordered or not)

dissociative type memory problems are a very special kind of memory problem that people who are dissociative can explain to their treatment providers just by using their normal way of talking. there is no magic way of explaining memory problems...

my suggestion is to forget trying to use wording you find on the internet. just tell your doctors what you are noticing about your own memory problems. they will be able to assess whether its part of your mental disorders, physical health problems, medications or normal for you.

thanks...

im just afraid...
they scare me so much...
it scares me so much for anyone to see the real me...
i am not very good at letting myself be me... even to a doctor..
especially doctor... anyone that has power of me... i've been hurt alot by people that was suposed to help me i guess...
i try so hard... ive been running for so long i dont know how to stop hiding...
i thought that i was stopping the running and hiding.. but i was just tricking myself all along... inadvertently tricking the providers and everyone... those arent really the right words to describe it... but i dunno how to explain... when someone intimidates me i will do what i have to to escape... even if it hurts me, traumatizes me, puts my life in danger... is the exact opposite of what i want to do... but i do it invisibly... so that no one knows what im trying to do... i run through a million scenarios within seconds and will lock into what is the best and easiest to get myself out of the situation the most smoothly... i will blank out and execute... i dont do it on purpose... i just have a lot of trouble....
it pisses me off but i dunno what to do.. i mean ive only recently started realizing that i do those kind of things... im going to try even harder this time whenever they take me back into the clinic... i mean im not going to try as hard but in a way it will mean im trying harder... if that makes sense...
its just probably gonna be some more months before i get accepted back..
just gonna let go because i dont have control over things anyway.. let them assume things and observe... just dont think i can speak much anymore because i tried to speak to them so hard before but they just pretty much told me the same things... that im trying to play doctor and want to know too much or something... but i wasnt... i just need help and my philosphy always has been if i can help someone help me... help you help me... thats a bunch of bull...
ive always been obsessive when it comes to NEEDING to know how anything works.. i have always taken things apart that i wanna see the inside of and whats going on inside so i can put it back together and understand it.. even at small age, 5..6 years old.. and now that i see how messed up my head is all i wanna do is dissect it so that i can understand how to make myself better... all i want is a little peace and happiness so i can be normal and have a life... i try to control it.. but when you dont have a life because of things inside your head its hard to gett it off your mind because it hurts so bad... but whatever.. i feel too many things i cant take it really... but i have no choice... i absolutely refuse to go back to a hospital... i would rather die first... i just want a few years of peace and happiness before i die... years i didnt get growing up or as a teenager or .. years i have never had... to be myself and enjoy... anything...
i am very broken.... when you do something because you dont want to hurt anymore and the hurt is less by doing what you dont want to do anyway... i am really confused... story of my life... "come on" "i dunno..." "ah yeah come on" "fine..." where did i go.... its all my fault...
i think i ruined everything....

i just have a big problem trusting anyone because everytime i try things f..mess up...
when i went to the clinic back in 2011/2012 i was relieved to finally be able to see someone... it was really hard... but i tried to convince myself that they would help... tried to be happy and excited about finally having courage to say that maybe i do need help... maybe someone can help me... i dont think anyone can.... maybe i dont want help....
i tried to trust... but after they drugged me up and started refusing to listen to what i was trying to say... about the medicine and side effects and how it wasnt really making me feel better... and they just telling me to keep taking it or trying to increase meds and add more meds... they just wanted to dope me up enough to make me stop talking... i dunno maybe i didnt know what i was saying... i cant remember any of it anyway so maybe i was lying or making things up... maybei was cussing them out and ... i dunno... i never curse or confront anyone unless someone triggers me...
i was on 9 different meds at once you know... not hydroxyzine type meds but mood stabilizers, antipsychotics, antidepressants, anti anxiety, blablabla... but i still felt like ****... even though they told me that i was doing better, they told me if i cut back on the alcohol and drugs then things would improve and they kept hounding me about it even though the therapist told me that she doesnt think it was really hurting but i shouldn't drink so much so i did cut back on the alcohol.. she told me if the weed helps then she didnt see any reason that i should have to quit until i found a medicine that helped to replace it... i only remember a few things from all those years with them... the biggest thing i remember is just feeling like i wasn't being heard... or helped...
so i drastically cut back and nothing satisfied them and they just started treating me really crappy... the last appointment i did with the psychiatrist i went in and tried explaining to him why i stopped taking some of the meds, because i tried talking to him the past 4 meetings (i was seeing him once every 6 months..) about stopping some, changing some to something else because of side effects and lack of efficacy... and he just told me that its helping me and making me feel better and i just shut down, how can someone tell me how some drug is making me feel... so the last appointment i had quit taking the zyprexa and... um... i dunno which ones i forget... but apparently he was pissed off at me and he asked how i was doing and i said something like well im still feeling the depression and having bad anxiety... and he said "thats good, so i'll see you in 7 months for another med review" and i was like umm... is that it? and he was like yep and i was like ok thanks... and i just walked out and never went back...
i guess he just was tired of me... but i was not difficult with him ever besides the drugs not working on me the way he wanted to or something... even on all of those drugs i was having insomnia and night terrors... anxiety and depression... but whatever... i guess i was liaing...
but i cant remember anyway so they can say whatever they want and convince anyone that its the truth because i cant remember...
same like when they made me go to the hospital... god i was hurting so bad that finally when the therapists talked with me i think on the second day being there i couldnt stop crying... but they told me i was bipolar too and manic and put me on the depakote and perphenazine and.. something else.. whatever it was i cant remember... they made everyone do 8 group meetings a day... i was there for 8 days.. and i remember just the crying part... and one part where one of the guys i guess he was psychotic at the time he was flipping out and yanked my notebook i was writing in out of my hand and threw it at me.. i guess he thought i was an agent spying on him or something... (not making fun..) but he reminded me of my psychotic step brother that almost killed me a few times so he was really triggering to me... i would lay in the bed scared he was going to bust in the room and try to kill me...
and i remember in one of the meetings they wanted us to use the dry erase board to talk about our "illness" or whatever... i cant remember what they called it but it seemed like it was mostly relevant to bipolars... because they wanted us to do a timeline thing with a wave graph showing how our mood fluxed... and i just drew a graph where it overlapped because i was like this is how "I" feel... up here and down here at the same time... i never feel normal or ok is what i told them... but it wasnt really like me because i never do public speaking and i even volunteered to go first.. i think part of me was like if you do it first and get it out of the way because no one else wants to do it everyone will forget what you say...
but the depakote was messin with my head too... i guess..
grrrrrr i hate not being able to say things
doesnt matter what i wanna say, just doesnt matter...

i dont even know anymore... im so tired... tired of being so stupid...
robb me of my child hood and now let me destroy the rest of my life i gues.... but im not a victim.. im just weak...

i dont do drugs anymore...(although i want to so bad sometimes because i cant take it anymore) i might smoke weed once a month and have a couple beers once a month... but i just dont know how it could mess my brain up like this... im probably just brain dead and have some kind of brain cancer that has eaten holes in my brain and now im just slowly dieing, or already died and im just in some kind of limbo ...
when i was high and drunk i just didnt give a * about things because i could turn it all off - if i started to feel something - i didnt have enough in my system... but obviously i had sober weeks even then but whatever...
it doesnt matter..

im probably just dieing and too clueless to realize it... probably should feel a lot of pain but cant because im so disconnected.. just makes me sad that maybe one day my family is going to find me dead laying in the bed or floor or something...
i dont care about dieing but i dont want anyone to be sad because of me....
i dont like to hurt anyone...

its ok though.... i've read everything i can so really there isn't anything else i can read hehe... nothing left to obsesse...
i just thought something or someone could put things into perspective because everything is so skewed to me... and my mind is taking its own route which is to derail me and just make me give up and run away... forget about it all... dont go to the doctor, dont talk to anyone about anything... nothing wrong... nothing to see....
i want help so bad but i dont know if i can... i know i have avoidant tendencies...
but im so tired.... i dont care... oh god i cant make any sense...

i dont know what to say..

appreciate your responses... and advices...
i want to try to sleep for some weeks... but if i do my family will see that im not well...
even as master of disguises im just losing strength.. ability... even will to hide...
but even though im so tired i cant stop it... ill be crying here and turn around to walk outside for a cig and dad there i see and turn to look and smile and say somethings, i dunno what.. i always have something to say to cover everything up... some how... because if i dont it will hurt them...
why hurt others because im hurt... why cause more pain... i dont want to be a disease that spreads to other people... i just want it to stop... why cant this part of me die so i can just be the illusion

no one knows... i dont really know what people think about me anymore... i probably look like a huge fake.... im supposed to have severe depression and anxiety but most what people see they would probably be like "oh he's so kind and fun and caring to be around i dont think he has any problems"
but the pain you feel of suffering so much alone.... and then the pain because no one knows and probably does thinks you are a fake... even the doctors thinking you are some fake or something... im so tired...
i cant say how much i just want to give up... i want it to stop.... i just want it to stop...
i relly cant live like this... im trying so hard just for my family... there is nothing left of me... but there are parts me inside my family and i dont want to hurt the m....
what ever i am... i dunno what i've become....
im just tired... thats all i can think... it makes the most sense to me... im so tired...
i guess thats all i can say.... i dunno what to do... but the things ive done, whatever..
exhausted...
i try to scream, but i give a blank stare... i dunno what i look like anymore like this because if what i feel inside showed any on the outside i would think someone could see... but i withdraw so much so fast all the time at the right times for the right amount of time to fix things inside so i can put up with the outside world just a little longer that probably no one would ever see...
god i piss my self off so bloody much, bloody idiot - never in my life have i ever seen anyone so damn difficult ..

for 2 years i've been practically sober... trying to get things in order to recover atleast a piece of my life to have a future with...
but it doesnt matter because my efforts are in vain.. what i try this hour, wont matter next hour... what i've done these past few years, just made me worse... i would rather be high and drunk than feel these things and see these things inside of me...

im going to stop because im turning dark and i cant write the things im thinking/feeling...

stop in general, gotta make myself stop... wtf is wrong with someone they cant control their own mind i dont know...
JUST STOP


im trying really hard...
im going to go stare at the wall and try escape from myself...
dunno why it hurt so much sometimes.... i guess because you try for so long and you just fail at that too... doesnt make you feel good when efforts dont amount to anything....
but then ... nah it doesnt matter... im sorry about being such a mess...
all of you are kind people, i hope you have some good days...
i wish everyone could be happy... world no pain...
sorry i cant focus... am going to try to escape for some days...

If you are dissociating, then there are no meds to treat that. I have DID and I take meds for depression, anxiety and have taken mood stabilizers. But none of them help the dissociation. And everything I have read says that there are no meds to treat dissociation. So the pdocs treat the other issues like bipolar, depression etc in the hope that calming down the other issues will help the person with DID to cope and heal.

Dissociation can be caused by anxiety. I wonder if that is what your pdoc is thinking?

hey.. dont read this, just dont reald it.... i was going to ask a question but i forgot what i was going to ask and ended up wrinting something..... ****ing ****.... im glad im drunk because i might nbot right her anymore......
i love everyone.....

I forget what I was going to say/ ask/ do 87 times a day - Don't worry about it hun I relate a lot to what you write - keep it coming!

Hmmm....

I can't begin to express how completely and utterly embarrassed i am of myself posting like i do from time to time.

I do have heavy "avoidant tendencies" but the psychologist didn't want to diagnose me with a personality disorder from just 1 meeting (im assuming)
so this stuff REALLY bothers me to act like a fool - make myself look ridiculous - saying these kind of things "outloud" when i don't even want to say them internally anymore
-- i don't care about any diagnosis, i just want to have a name to this bloody monster that adores tormenting me and making my life a living hell so i can call it out by name and curse it the * out the way it curses me --
just knowing a name doesn't solve anything but atleast i can wrap my hands around it and strangle the life out of it

just forget all of the nonsense that i spew from time to time.. i have ALOT of problems apparently

I am superbly annoyed and frustrated with myself because i am utterly useless when it comes to trying to help myself, so it seems
I do not like to draw attention to myself nor like to express my problems in any kind of way, i have hid everything deep deep deep inside my entire life and even though it is uncomfortable and lonely and painful it seems more familiar, safe, and .. whatever.. than the alternative..
I don't like anyone to know - this is my illusion that i must maintain - which i fail horribly at when it comes to this virtual world because i have difficulty "filtering" my words, as I don't talk about ANY of these things to anyone EVER - so things come out wrong, too much, too fast, everything i dont want and dont need.. I can't talk about things that i dont understand apparently, especially with "real" people

I am truly sorry for any types of triggering things that i may have said, i absolutely refuse to read any of the nonsense because i know that it will just make me even more frustrated and upset with myself

i am completely, i mean utterly despising myself currently because of this bloody rut that i have some how found myself in, which i have been stuck in my entire life completely oblivious that im in TROUBLE and cant get out because i can't figure things out or even remember the things that i DID figure out
my mind works against me, i don't know what is my problem but it is really annoying and im sick of it

i found more notes of mine from the program "optimism" that i was trying to make myself start using back when i was trying to "cooperate" with the clinic
https://www.optimismonline.com

i am just astonished, mind boggled, by how stuck i was then, how confused i was then, how i didnt know what was going on, how i couldn't remember things, i am sickened by the lack of progress and apparent regression of any non-existent progress i thought i had

for example :
http://forums.psychcentral.com/other...1-weird-2.html

and the notes i posted about therapy, apparently it was scaring me shitless and i couldn't handle it so i quit going, although i can't remember any of it

notes about the doctor not listening and increasing meds, me having side effects and talking about how the medicine seemed to be making things worse, apparently i didnt say any of those things to the doctor though, or who knows what i said because i dont!
but all i know is they labeled me "non-compliant" and said that if i would of followed treatment i would of "continued" doing well, although how the hell i was doing well when reading all of these notes i do not know their methods and find their ethics highly questionable

apparently i knew about dissociation back then as well, maybe i told the doctor and he shot me down with some BS remark that just shut my whole brain down everytime i went in to see him from the beginning i felt attacked and unsafe with all of them, misunderstood and mislabeled and over drugged, this ** is not fair!
im sick of this RUT - i want out and i cant take it anymore, this is completely and .. Afff i can't even speak - what is wrong with me to make me get so stuck, do i NOT want to get better? do i enjoy being miserable? this life is ridiculous, sad pathetic excuse for a life - not even an excuse, just a terrible mistake

I am sickened from all of this, my entire history, my past, my childhood, my pathetic attempts at getting help, the failure of the mental health people in being able to help, maybe im just making everything up and all of its bogus thats why it CANT get better because its not even real
this is just really really irritating and i can't stand it, it takes alot to really make me angry, but god i know how to make myself angry

i am stuck and sick of being stuck, sick of not knowing whats going on, sick of not remembering the things i figure out and losing the notes because i delete them or lose them or whatever happens and i forget because i dont have the physical proof to remind me of what the hell i was thinking, sick of the flashbacks and pains - it doesnt matter - even if i had notes and journals they wouldn't be able to solve anything or help me in anyway because if im still in the same place, well in a worse place even now than i was when i was in "Crisis" enough to send myself to a mental clinic, there is no help - this is just a pathetic joke someone is playing on someone and im not even real - this isn't even real and im tired of it because im not laughing!

i am very annoyed and frustrated and practicing my cliche avoidant tactics to avoid further humiliation and suffering from talking about this stupid nonsense, it doesnt help at all and all im doing is spreading it around to people who dont need to hear any of it, grrrr

just something I keep noticing in your posts. you keep asking us to disregard what you are posting and you dont know why you post such stuff, sometimes calling what you post trash and garbage. and what you post embarrasses you but yet you continue to do it.

if your posts upset you, you can delete them with in 4 hours of posting them, and also you can contact the moderators. they can also help you to keep track of how you are posting so that what ultimately ends up on the boards is what you does not upset you and what you ....want... to be on the forums.

you can also private message a moderator asking what they think about something you want to post.

you can also use other computer programs for example sometimes when writing my posts I write them first in one of my email accounts as a draft first then just copy them here when the post is the way I want it to be.

i also sometimes show my wife or my therapist my writings before I post them, especially if the writings are about a problems that I am presently having.

my point is since many of your posts seem to embarrass and upset you, maybe you can think of other ways to take care of this so that what you actually post here on psych central are things you would like to be on here.

I also went back to your posts from when you first joined here and you did not seem to have this problem with posting things that seem to upset and embarrass you, in fact what you used to post before you started doing all your research on dissociation you were doing much better....

suggestion maybe its time to take a break from pushing yourself so hard. take time to just follow your treatment plans and not get hooked up so much on what your problems should be called. bottom line is no matter what the problem is called symptoms can be taken care and theres such a thing as pushing too hard. think of mental health like doing a physical exercise program. you can do all the crunches, jogging and such until you end up doing irreparable damage or you can set a pace that works for you of working at a good pace and taking breaks.

another suggestion since you were doing much better before when you first started posting and not posting things that were upsetting and an embarrassment to you, maybe read those past posts, they may help you to find something that used to stabilize you before that you might not be doing now. this always helps me.

im sorry, im just really frustrated and its a little scary because i seem to just be going in circles... im just really crazy and totally insane...
i gotta stop some how.. i gotta post notes reminding myself not to look stuff up and that i already know all of these things...
reading some of my older posts is just scary...

apparently i did talk to them about dissociation, i dunno why i cant remember anything... i hope something serious isn't wrong with my brain...
10-08-14, 02:10 PM
http://forums.psychcentral.com/schiz...55-afraid.html

http://forums.psychcentral.com/psych...-describe.html

who knows, i probably wouldn't remember if i did start hallucinating

for years i've been trying to figure myself out but my efforts are futile because i cant keep up with myself... or something... and the years and years of confusion have really confundled me..
i mean i guess thats why i was wondering about maybe i messed my brain up myself some how... maybe i brainwashed myself some how and ... i mean maybe im in a coma and this is all just a bad dream...
i dunno whats goin on and i dont wanna do it anymore... i dont wanna think anymore i dont wanna talk anymore... i just want out... im tired of being afraid and then forgetting everything... having an epiphany and discovering myself and forgetting... not knowing whether i am dreaming or if ... well things would have to be real in order for me to be dreaming and this stuff just seems so surreal it cant be real..
i dunno how to break free from the confusion... the years and years of stuff being stored in the back of my mind... apparently... without my knowledge...
im really tired.... tired of being lost... tired of being stuck outside of time...
im suposed to be 26 years old for crying out loud and its the year 2016... why is this happening to me... and i just sound completely nuts... and i really just dont know what to do because when i was going to that clinic i really tried so hard... i have been trying so hard really... why am i so complicated... i hate being so complex that i cant understand myself and the doctors look at me like a thousand broken puzzles mixed together that just doesnt make sense...

one day being like this and the next day like that... things moving around and...
its just crazy... its stupid... it doesnt make sense... and im tired... its like my nigt terrors... when you become so used to them and wake up sweating and panic attacks you are used to it and doesnt even bother you so much anymore... when your sleep is so disturbed for months you get black eyes... when nothing makes sense anymore... what happened to the inteligent guy i was suposed to be, i guess hes just realizing that time is fluid and stays in motion where he just sits still ... things change... but this dilemma stays the same...
i cant put things into words anymore... apparently i have never been able to put things into words... maybe i dont want to change... maybe i dont want time to keep moving forward... maybe im just delusional and really having a problem holding grasp on reality....
im tired of trying so hard and not getting anywhere... this sucks so bad....
no matter how much i beg and plead and try to change the way things are ...
it doesnt even matter to try to say it because i've said all of these things before probably... whats the use...
how can i be stuck like this for so long.... i dunno why but i shouldn't be here... i need to go back in time....

im so alone and no one can seem to understand my plight....
at the same time im not alone... but those with me cant help...
but i really am alone, i lock myself in the room because i cant face it anymore...
but i have done that for years too... this is all wrong... its not supposed to be like this

i end up making myself feel so empty... like i just get rid of everything... i cant handle anything... i have never been able to handle anything... but it just leaves an illusion... im just smoke and mirrors... one good gust of wind and poof the illusion is destroyed...
even more reason to lock myself away... i dunno why everyone likes me.... if they knew ME they wouldn't like me at all..... i dont like me....

im tired of being like this.. but i have tried everything to change... i mean i cant remember.. but i know that i have been trying really hard to make it stop... to just stop it.. or maybe i haven't been trying, i dunno anymore.. im tired of being sick and tired
tired of feeling like a mad man, totallly insane... crazy.. because nothing makes sense and i cant figure out why ... what is wrong, what ami supposed to do..

im afraid if i try going back to the clinic and try one more time with yet another therapist, i'll just be jumping back in the same circle... and im so tired of going in circles... im just going to sit down right here in the middle ... i want to quit...
but tomorow ill be running around the circle again, because im stupid and just cant seem to remember to get it through my stubborn thick head that it doesnt matter and just stop running ...

i can see why they thought i was bipolar now... but then again they never officially gave me any diagnosis on paper, they just told me bipolar to shut me up i think... but then again maybe they did tell me and i just cant remember that either.. i wish that i could find the therapist that i was talking to the first time, i asked my dad if i just saw her a couple times and he said that i saw her a lot because he was the one driving me there... she might would help me if i could find her... i really liked her, thats all i remember about any of it... she was really nice.. dunno why i was so scared or whatever...

i hate talking about this stuff, i just wish .. well i wish a lot of things..
i dont wanna be afraid anymore... i dont wanna feel all of this confusing stuff inside anymore.... its so confusing...
i can ask someone what they feel like and they can easily say "happy" "sad"
i ask myself what i feel like and i am in the middle of a waterfall... so many things wash over me that i just go numb and confused and i cant discern any of it...
i know that probably doesnt make sense either... i just dont know what i feel anymore... until something gets so intense that it takes over or something...

i think im sad right now.... because this just seems sad... to be like this...
but im also scared... and angry because i dont know what is wrong...
and im confused because i just want to fix it... but i cant, im stuck...
am i in hell..? i just want it all to leave me alone, but at the same time i dont want to be alone... my inside is being ripped apart, or something.. my soul is being ripped and crinkled and folded and redistributed and shredded and burned and put back together and ... i cant take it anymore... but i know it wont matter in a little while...
how can anyone survive this? to continuously stare your demise in the face, stuck on repeat while you are being destroyed over and over.. but only enough to take enough steps back to face it again... but not even knowing that you are over and over... and to periodically catch a glimpse of the mirror that you are caught in... realizing that you are stuck... trapped in a dreadful experience you cant escape... to meet your demise again and become unaware again...
what a demonic psychological wargame... i dont want to play anymore, would like it to just be simple so i can take a handful of antipsychotics to fix it... part of me knows im not crazy or delusional... but i must be

lemme out of this circle
im sorry that i keep doing this...

another suggestion I see in the task bar at the top of the page that this site has blogs, thats where lots of people keep their daily writings, rambles and such you can contact one of the moderators and they will be able to tell you how to get a blog. that way the posts you feel are embarrassing to you can be wrote in there where you wont necessarily see them unless you want to go back and read them.

I don't think there is any "difficulty" here with your posts. While I don't always read everything here (I'm just a bear..) please do keep posting here if it helps

well... appointment at the mental health clinic june 2nd...
terrified... but what can you do...
just hope i can hold it together... and dont freak out and run away...
having someone observe me and having to try to talk about things is just really horrifying... makes me want to resort to my substances to forget but even if i chose to i dont have access to anything so im up the creek without a paddle
i'll just bite the bullet one more time and hope they can take my fear away and help me to calm down so i can try to open up one more time...

i hate fear... so much, i know im going to just zone out completely this time and im not sure how im going to handle it
just hope they dont want to put me on a bunch of meds all at once again because i dont wanna be drugged up on those things... lost pretty much all the zyprexa weight so i dont wanna gain any again for sure...
i just wanna be normal

thanks for allowing me to just be.. here... i know im confusing, but im really confused so i cant help it.. i have obsessive tendencies as well so i really cant help it...
just dunno how i can be so sick ya know, its really shameful to me because everyone used to idolize me, in the sense that i was the sane one and the one that was able to help and be a "genius" and ... whatever but turns out im crazier than all of them put together, you know?

but it is what it is... i always knew i wasn't normal, but i just never really talked about it because i didnt want to stand out or change the perception people had of me..

i feel nauseous with fear and intimidation...

Hi ES, i just wanted to let you know you are not alone. I relate to what you write, and even the way you write it....sporadic...pauses...introjections...painfully....confuddled. I am crazy, of that im sure. But you make sense to me. Please don't take that as an insult.

i just hope that things can be different this time, im not going to try to explain things the same way because i know using specific words can just give the idea or wrong impression and be totally misleading when you are just trying to be precise...

i know i have said it before.. its just that i have like a hard time staying in the moment and connected with myself so that i can convey to them my experience.. i do it with everything, ill be talking about something i enjoy and want to talk about even and stop suddenly, not sure what was happening because something just cut it off entirely.. wouldnt be so bad if it just happened a little bit... but people dont really care if it causes problems for you or not.. just hard to explain things when your mind wants to do something else or something, maybe nothing at all..
i just hate the idea of saying something and it being misinterpreted because i know that i probably just sound really crazy... i've just been trying to deal with this stuff for too long and its really taken a toll...

but im going to do my best to just give them what "i am" instead of going on with a pen and paper about things... im too tired to completely try to do everything for them anyway.. that stuff isnt really important anyway, whats important is how my life is being effected i guess...

it is nice that they made an appointment for me so soon.. last time it took several months just to get intake type information together... but maybe they were able to prioritize me some how..? it doesnt matter, im just glad because its enough time for me to try to get used to the idea of going there, but not too much time for me to really start freaking out about being a different person when i talk to them...

i have kind of gone numb to the idea again... "it is what it is"
but i know im going to find myself in that small waiting room, thinking to myself, what am i doing here... this room is so small... even if no one else is in the room, but if the room is full ...
it just sucks when you dont feel anything, but you know at a pendrop too much can turn on at once...

i just really hate doing these things.. i wish that i didnt have to do any of this
it has to be a good thing though.. better than not doing anything