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#1
May 02, 2016, 03:29 PM
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 Anonymous37827, Anonymous48690, Fuzzybear, Gr3tta, Lost_in_the_woods, PsychNitrous
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#2
May 02, 2016, 06:39 PM
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I send you hugs. I wish you strength.
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#3
May 02, 2016, 10:13 PM
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im scared...
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| Anonymous48690, Lost_in_the_woods
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#4
May 02, 2016, 11:49 PM
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what you do when you mind doesnt work for you anymore
this is so stupid... blablabla
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| Anonymous48690, likewater, Lost_in_the_woods
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 likewater
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#5
May 03, 2016, 12:27 AM
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im so sorry for posting here...
just confused...
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| Anonymous48690, Lost_in_the_woods
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#6
May 03, 2016, 01:51 AM
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Quote:
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#7
May 04, 2016, 02:23 PM
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 why do i sometimes feel compelled to try to explain something that is just confusing me and dont understand.. i just wanted to make people not worry and know that everything is ok and that ill be fine... but im so stupid sometimes, why do i ever think that people could understand? i dont even really remember saying that much about the stuff but it seemed i totally freaked mom out, she said that i have spirits inside of me trying to control my life even.. i think this was yesterday...  i just thought if someone else could tell me whats happening maybe it would make sense... maybe they could help the doctor with me... i guess i've always had a weak spot for telling mom things... cant do the same mistake over and over though, ill figure it out on my own...blah, i forget so much all the time that i cant remember what ive told someone.. and maybe ive said too much and the normal people can remember stuff and putting it together and making assumptions or ... im just not gonna talk about it anymore... what the hell was i thinking? end up just making yourself look crazy... think maybe i am crazy though... just didnt want anyone else to know... sorry for freaking you out mom... dumb now she probably thinks im schizophrenic or psychotic.. i remember her saying it sounds like it when she said the thing about spirits controling me (demons or whatever..) god i feel so stupid sometimes, why do i do these things  i hear a lot from people that i just need to go to church... god will take care of me and protect me and all i need is god and prayer and blabla... but im not even going to talk about religion because i dont want to offend anyone... im not going back to any church... no one can protect me besides me... but sometimes even i suck at that  but whatever, im used to it.. no more talky :/ one day im gonna wake up from this dream... urgh.. sucks to be going through this alone... im so crazy... trying not to write much here because im really ashamed... letting myself get out of control... or not being able to control things, im just so tired maybe writing these stupid posts makes me feel better some how... i dunno why i write anything though.. dont really care about talking about my problems... its... cant help anyway so whatever.. just make myself look stupid you know..? im gonna go smoke a cig just ignore me - ranting for some reason
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| Anonymous48690, likewater, Lost_in_the_woods, PsychNitrous, Takeshi
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#8
May 04, 2016, 03:18 PM
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i was rubbing my neck like i usually do and felt like a cut but i cant see back there so i asked dad if there was a scratch or something there and he said yeah it looks like a brier scratch or something, but i dont remember doing it.. i dunno if i could of cut myself back there i dunno why i would do that instead of in the normal places...
dunno if i could of done it with my finger nail maybe? i dont really have finger nails though ... it feels about 2-3 inches long.. and straight... feels like one of my cuts... god i hope i didnt do that.. there is no way i could of cut myself... now i know im really losing my mind for sure  what in the world is happening to me.. maybe i do have a bunch of demons following me around doing things to me... this is why my memory scares me sometimes... shhh im not going to write a bunch...but wtf... wtf for real you know.. i havent cut in atleast i dunno 3 or 4 days.. i need to find some mirrors so i can see it... stupid weird stuff always happens to me...
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| likewater, Lost_in_the_woods
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#9
May 05, 2016, 02:15 PM
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Feel free to vent here....you are not alone. I do it all the time because it helps. Just writing and publishing is like throwing it out there to the world even if no one read it, it still is liberating.
The cries for help that goes unheeded. Shame. Sounds like you need someone else to connect with other than mom who is never going to get it like a pastor? Counselor? Crisis hotline? Got to go, breaks over. I wish you well! |
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#10
May 05, 2016, 09:57 PM
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im fine........
think i not can talk to others about things.... i just dont know whats wrong... im suspicious... but the confusion keeps me from realy knowing... but i think much longer i cant deny some things... just sad people will not like me any more... i dont have friends any way but... atleast maybe it was by choice... if i scare myself sometime then i know i cant always hide things from everyone... i dont know to feel happy or sad... maybe i know myself... but the world refuse me... why its gotta be hard.... i must soon talk to someone about things... i cant talk with myself more longer too much because im just going to make it more confusing... denial.... but im a kind person why im having problems.... i dunno if any you all ever been alone and not have someone to talk to... can talk much with yourselve but you just dont believe many things sometimes.... im trying to not say many things to anyone... many things in my mind though... i think im not ery stupid... maybe not sper smart but i dont really just accept stupid things without well explanation... but things i think lately i cant say... never make my self feel so stupid before.... my confusion is too much... please why am i confused like this... dream.... dream.... its a dream.... it has to be dream.... so scared.... but no one know.... what im suposed to do..
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| Anonymous37827, Lost_in_the_woods
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#11
May 05, 2016, 11:56 PM
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Honey, I'm so alone in this world that I sit isolated from human kind because I know that I'm incapable of any kind of meaningful relationship.
Inner talking is okay, but that's all we do. Its not the same as a face to face with another person. At a time I had to come to terms with my experiences and accept what is really going on. I found my peace (and so did the others) when we accepted that we are all part of a system. Ever since then, it's been a pathway to inner discovery. We now somewhat co-operate and have group rules. Sometimes fear is just fear of knowing your inner truth. If you think you are a multiple, accept it. And if it isn't true, the novelty will wear off, at least that's what I think. If I wasn't a multiple, then I would get bored with it and move on, but that's not how it is for us. 
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| elevatedsoul, Lost_in_the_woods
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| Lost_in_the_woods
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#12
May 06, 2016, 01:20 AM
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well.. you are right..
it is what it is... i dont care... but im really confused... thats all... grrr... i was reading things i wrote years ago... its like not a moment has passed... how can i be so lost for so long... where have i been these pasy years...... just feels weird to read things and remember things... whatever.... headache i drink beer tonight hehe... like to have a reason to feel strange... not just feel strange because im weird... sorry... i dont want to disturbe anyone... i just write in that journal sometimes and i dunno... need someone else to write to me... maybe... sometimes its not fun talking to myself... usually just end up more confused... wish it would pass... im so stupid right now... atleast 1 week has passed and i dont know about it... i mean i feel locked away... well... sometimes it feels like im somewhere else... trying to tell the body what to do but only its doing what nees to be done... its dumb... dumb dumb dumb.... im scarey... but im not so scared i guess... is like there is nothing i can do, i have faced death in the face before and it just feels like that sometimes... an ultimate truth that you cant ignore or deny... it is what it is... but why its not helping my and making me feel like this i dunno... blah... i hate trying to say things i dont know, just sounds stupid... hate making myself look stupid... but i always do embarrass myself... but at this point maybe i have to because i dont know what else to do.... sorry... its all fine.... plese dont think bad of me... this feelings i have been having for ever... i just... i always had excuses before.... yeah.... like.. i was stupid for doing everything i did.. but i just not able to handle some tings... i drank so much and did many drugs and just tryed to keep everything off... for so long... i would even sabatoge journals... so that i wouldn't write things... but i did find some writings... whatever.... im journaling now and im going to make myself keep it because i have to pay attention to whatever is.... i cant remember things so writing is my ownly option...just dont like to be like this alone... people are going to persecute me... they already do... i dunno if i can handle it being more... but they dunno how much hurt they make doing things they say.... sometimes i feel like writing here just makes me feel worse... like why am i going to tell someone or peoples i dont even know that im so hurt... or messed up... or i dont even know whats hapning... i can be stupid sometimes... my only explanation... just hope that i dont make myself look so stupid as i make me self feel sometimes.... stuff is just hard... and my head hurts... and im tired... and i dont know anymore.. my head spins and i cant thinkin what i want to... its just too much.... im such an idiot make no sense... just ignore me... why...
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| Anonymous48690, Lost_in_the_woods, Takeshi
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#13
May 06, 2016, 02:34 AM
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| elevatedsoul, likewater
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#14
May 06, 2016, 10:21 AM
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:x i hope i wake up soon
i dont mean to be so weird and confusing, just trying to make sense of something you know :x gotta take a break... dizzy :/ cant figure out what to do or say sometimes... just spinn in circles.. seems like when i open my mouth things dont make sense.. i just like confusing myself i think, dunno why that would be enjoyable.. really think that i must be having just a weird dream... what a long dream im fine though, im always fine..  just a little worried im going to do something to make things worse.. like freaking people out because i dunno what im doing.. if it starts to scare someone else its going to scare me.. im just trying not to think about it.. but its getting kind of difficult to ignore... some one has me in the seclusion room... in my mind you know, i dunno :/ just not sure what to think.. feels like ive been cut off from knowing stuff, but wth you are supposed to be able to know atleast whats going on around you..? maybe i had a nervous break down... my mind is shut down to protect me or something... or maybe i really am in a coma or something :/ maybe i just over analyze everything... but even simple things dont add up anymore.. broke my brain some how... blah - im gonna just stay away, this is just mssed up.. sorry 
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#15
May 06, 2016, 08:17 PM
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um.. do any of you know anything about programming..?
how would you know if someone put those programs into your mind..? im scared some how im triggering one... and its wreaking avoc on me... i just dont remember being programed... it feels like your mind doesnt want to function... like it just wants to do everything to work against you.. im so disconnected... its hard trying to think of words to write.. um.. i just was thinking its like when your computer gets a virus and starts running programs on its own.. um.. my programs being over run, im separating myself from it... but i can still feel it... im a puppet just mocking words right now grrr >.< i dunno what to do, im scared but its a part of me in the corner while im sitting here trying to be ok for the world feeling mostly numb but empathetic and i just feel hurt inside... im really depersonalized... apparently... i have that feeling of just spinning in circles... dizzy but you keep spinning... urgh... i cant keep up with whats happening around me... this why they say i have somatization probably, it hurts you know... sometimes i feel like i've been hit by a train over and over... i hate confusion, i want to stop being confused so i can just chill out... i guess it will have to get better... but i think that its always been like this.. i just never really cared or thought different of it or something.. so i dunno what to think :/ um... wow i get off topic easy :/ just was wondering about programs that are set to trigger or whatever... maybe its why im so confused... but i dunno... thats probably stupid thought but it just doesnt seem ok to feel like this... just cant figure it out though.. i dont even want to figure it out anymore you know i just want it to go away, why wont it leave me alone 
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| Lost_in_the_woods
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#16
May 07, 2016, 11:26 AM
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............
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Last edited by elevatedsoul; May 07, 2016 at 12:40 PM. |
| Lost_in_the_woods
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#17
May 07, 2016, 03:46 PM
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| Lost_in_the_woods
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#18
May 07, 2016, 08:42 PM
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Hi Elevated Soul
 Thank you for sharing here. I don't think your crazy or weird...but then again I'm fairly certain I'm crazy and weird so Idk?  I feel fuzzy and spinny and anxious and sad and frantic and desperate and annoyed and angry and confused and restless and exhausted and suspicious and scared and well Lost! Lol. But I connect with a lot of what your writing here and I just wanted to let you know you are not just screaming at the walls... I'm here and I hear you 
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"The woods are lovely, dark, and deep But I have promises to keep And miles to go before I sleep And miles to go before I sleep" |
| elevatedsoul
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| elevatedsoul
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#19
May 07, 2016, 11:10 PM
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apparently im just stressed out over something...
just havent really had this reaction before, or maybe i have... i just wanna hide.. dont wanna say anything... not sure what is happening, but freaking out doesnt solve anything.. just shaking my head... making a big deal out of nothing... just not sure why im having a hard time remembering stuff... if that would go away i could just be fine, be like things used to be... just dont think about it - i wanna say im stuck in a dream.. but it cant be a dream can it..? oh man ... im glad no one is watching me.. dad "peaked" in on me earlier and i dunno what i was doing.. he chuckled and said "what are you bored?" and i jumped up from slotching in the seat or whatever i was doing and looked at him and was like nah im just building this wall on this game, im just kind of disconnecting and .. i dunno... i guess i just do other things while im some where else... but i feel like its really noticeable... and im so tired i cant keep fighting these things, like im gonna just faint because i dont have the energy... dizzy alot i feel so retarded.. dont like writing or talking about things because it makes me feel stupid... it just makes you see how bad your memory is and wtf are you thinking..? watching yourself go crazy... tired   
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| Lost_in_the_woods
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#20
May 08, 2016, 01:33 AM
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if you are trippin your selve out, how do you stop?
how do you make thoughts stop that you cant seem to get out of your head? those thoughts that just pop up... seem like harder i try to ignore stuff the worse it feels.. but not ignoring things doesnt help either... i've been living a lie... lies... i dunno how to be myself, i dunno.. never was able to be myself for people... now i feel really alone because no one knows me, they just know... the one they know... what a bad feeling... i can be who ever you want me to - it seems, just not me maybe i cant let people get to know me because i dont know myself... i feel so bad.. this confusion just makes me wanna get drunk.. its ridiculous.. im frustrated... annoyed... worried... scared... and if i keep stating more ill feel ... stupid grr... already feel stupid but its driving me crazy because im feeling too much... but it is strangely empty and full... i cant make heads or tales of things, and im not sure there is even a coin to flip... know what i mean? i feel like its dragging around with me... and all i want to do is drop it and leave it alone but im chained to it.. im floating around a timeline or something... and it seems ill go through a filing cabinet in just seconds and i just get dizzy... all im trying to do is chill out and... nothing, just dont do anything.. but grrr... just messin with myself, and some reason its funny to it and... pissing me off... i just wanna relax, thats all.. but noo i gotta have some major problem all the time... what the hell reasons you cant control your own mind i dunno.. it just takes detours or something on its own.. this is so stupid i cant think hours are going by... days... i just woke up... where am i at all day... or what the hell.. i might be in hell and this is my torment the flashbacks are just driving me crazy too... i must be broken... i wanna come back to earth now please sorry ... i really dont want to write here but i dunno why... just makes me feel like maybe its part of the trick making me feel like just deleting it all and ignoring everything.. urgh, it is killing me  please forgive me... stupid stupid..  im just .. well whatever.. my brain has run out of gas hehe..dunno what the point of writing here is... feel like such an idiot i hope yall dont think im really retarded.. dunno why im like this right now but its just difficult to focus... this is why i shouldn't be talking to anyone... ill regret this post later im sure... but whatever.. maybe if i get the stupid out of my system...?
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| Lost_in_the_woods
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#21
May 08, 2016, 02:01 AM
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Quote:
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Be like water making its way through cracks, do not be assertive, but adjust to the object, if nothing within you stays rigid, outward things will disclose themselves. --Bruce Lee |
| elevatedsoul
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#22
May 08, 2016, 09:08 PM
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well...
i've had some more to drink, doesnt make it easier to focus... actually have a pretty good headache... for past few hours, but whatever... i say a lot of things... but cant take everything for exactly the way i say it... sometimes i say something and want it to mean something else... alot of times i do that... i really dont like talking... i would be happy not speaking anymore... but i want to make things better... for the family mostly... dont care about this body much anymore... ive just caused much pain with it... and now im my own torturer... the abuser to keep one from letting others abused... i would just like things to get better... all i ever wanted when i tried to tell the first doctor that i was depressed was to find the relief... everyone deserves to feel happy... but im forgetting everything... my words cant describe the type of things happening... even if they could i dont think i would.... writing here again.. why... i try to slightly hint things to my family.... tell them things like i cant remember... or im not sure what..? or whatever... im very tired.... and i have been drinking... and my mind just hasn't been helping me much lately.... its pulling me apart... and i cant understdand.... its so hard, to feel these things... i read about body memories... and they hurt... so much so me times.... i read about many things... but im to ashamed to even say anything... i would much like some one to tell me i will be ok... but i know no one can really tell me that... dont want to cry like this any more its stupid to write anything when you dont understand anything... but this the only way i can reach out right now... im not going to tell anyone anything....... i cant.... im just being stupid.... cant say how scared i am of whats going to happen.... i m just doing this because i dont know what to do... obviously i want to see a profesional... but i have no options right now and im trying to just keep myself calm... hoping that maybe a strange connection to others will help.... with no other options i have atleast to try... its just my memory... i dunno whats really happening... i just end up watching a lot... but i cant remember these things what im watching.... disconected.... the kind when someone tells you something and you turn around to do whatever and have to turn back and be like sorry what did you want me to do.. cant focus.... hurting... i feel like deleting all these things so i can just stop having anyone to talk to... im just being a fool and making tings seem worse... if i just could hide i wouldn't even think about things... posting on forums when drinking is probably stupid stupid big idea... just wanna make it stop hurting... elevatedIDIOT
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| Takeshi
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#23
May 08, 2016, 09:27 PM
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[Kian:] Even though you're near me I need you far away To be an ocean To build another way [Bryan:] I'll be broken And I know it But I just can't seem to find Another way [All:] Though you want to Though you try to You can't stop the rain For the first time It's not you Who can heal me [Bryan:] I need some distance To find another road It's not so easy Sorrow, such a heavy load [Nicky:] I'll be broken And I show it But I'm gonna have to live Without you here [All:] Though you want to Though you try to You can't stop the rain For the first time It's not you Who can heal me [Shane:] Poets say As time's a case A broken souls were mend But you would come around again So my sorrow's gonna end [Mark:] But it's not you... Heal me... But it's not you... Heal me... [All (Shane):] Though you want to (though you want to) Though you try to (thought you try to) You can't stop the rain For the first time It's not you Who can heal me Though you want to (though you want to) Though you try to (thought you try to) You can't stop the rain For the first time It's not you Who can heal me Heal me
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#24
May 10, 2016, 01:43 AM
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im just a big trigger..
song
Possible trigger:
the things you want not to remember.. forget... then remember... then forget... then remember... what flavor today..? i dont even know what memories are mine anymore.. are they even memories - is there a such thing as memories.. i wont let myself remember i just know i need help... am desperate... because i dont think people will believe anything i say... feel like this is my problem... and is just up to me to fix things... because even if i told someone what could they do... just make me feel worse and think something wreally wrong with me... i know there is something wrong.. but i dont want everyone to treat me like a sick dieing puppy they feel sorry about but to scared to do anything to help it... broken and scarred... scared and confused... lost and alone... no trust for anyone, how i can trust someone when i cant trust myself.. no wonder i cant make myself come back to the planet... dont wanna be here none... this place is awful forgetting who i am, if i ever knew.. because the things i am are horrible... my life is has been .... urgh... i thought being an angel to everyone would fix things.. but no mount of external work can amount to any internal help... now everyone just thinks im a good guy that is easy going happy and make people smile and feel loved and cared... but tey cant see how much i need someone to see past me... and i think maybe its good because if they could see me... all i would do is cry... because i lived in this world that is unreal for so long... i just isolate so much its easier to hold illusions together for others... not that no one has never seen me in bad modes... because thats happened a lot too i think.. but everyone forgets those moments i think.. no one really wants to believe something is wrong.. you know... i dunno what to say... im driving myself crazy... and i wont shut up or stop these ... ... um... mental intrusions... laughing at something seemingly funny on the tv.. flash... crying on the inside because it hurts so bad... flash... different images... flash... feeling stupid and crazy and confused because you dunno why you feeling so weird... flash... paranoid because you think you are being stupid... negative self talk... grr.... shhhh please just leave me alone... i dunno what to do... start crying for real.. laughing inside at myself... its hard writing anymore... im trying so hard to just STOP - but i dont think i can control it... my head starts to spin.. and i feel like im going to faint.. maybe im delusional... im just losing my mind and too many things trying to happen... flashbacks... coincidences... memories... explanations... these things in my mind... why couldnt i done this when i was trying to have therapy... instead of running away from therapy and saying im fine i dont need that !*%@# such an idiot... maybe i did do it.. i cant remember what she talked to me about anyway.. i think she was just trying to help with anxiety... i have no clue.. they all knew i had PTSD ... but i ... i cant remember if she ever talked to me about it.. i dont really remember anything but when she told me she was having to leave the clinic to go back to school to advance her career or whatever.. and she was nice about it and kept reassuring me that she would work with me until she had to leave, at that time i was like thats fine i dont need you anyway im fine - clearly im not fine so i dunno wth i was talking about... just wanted to leave that place... dont like going there... its hard for me to trust people i guess... whatever, this sucks :/ so many parts of me is telling me this is dumb to write anything about anything.. everytime i try its a challenge... and then when i finish i have to force to click the submit button because if i dont ill end up just deleting everything i wrote because its "so stupid" but im confused and... maybe being confused and scared and trying to just say anything if even to a wall or empty forum or anything, could maybe help me stop being confused... when ever i do come back though if i read these things ill just facepalm and feel like a hudge idiot... dunno why i have to make myself look so retarded... but maybe i am retarded and i just need someone to tell me..its just not really helping you know.. maybe its just making things worse... coming back and seeing ive wrote about other things and... just dont like talking about things... and seeing that i end up saying these things, because i usually just forget what ive done or said or whatever.. sometimes have an idea but not really sure... i know ive said too many things here.. i just dont know to who or where... its so embarrassing... would like to stop coming here but i dont really want to stop because im alone... and its scary being aloone when you are lost in a dark forest confused about everything... i dunno, argh... why am i just saying the same thing over and over? this is why i dont like writing, blah blah one day im gonna wake up... and everything will be great... and i will be able to be happy.. and grounded... and remember my life... and whats happening and my plans and... just be normal... i hope... would just like a chance to be happpy... human... those things... life has been so hard... i try to tell myself i still have time... 26 years on the planet isnt that long maybe... but .. it feels like very long time... because it was so ****ed up... classic... it was my fault, no it wasn't my fault... so stupid.. im sorry.. im really not here right now... i dunno where i am at... im in a dream... a nightmare maybe...   
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#25
May 10, 2016, 02:10 AM
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We learned to de-trigger programs by 'backing up'. If something was getting activated we learned we needed to approach it in a different way. Back up; take time out; remove the internal pressure that triggers the internal response; restore calm an order; and then approach it in a different way. We learned there was nothing we could do once something was activated but to back off and 'play it cool'. Then it would calm down and we could go back to the drawing board.
Where do you think programs might have come from? |
| kecanoe
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This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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