It's Getting Worse.. *Trigger SI*

It's getting more dangerous.. To the point that last night I was on the phone to Connor and kept dissociating and coming back to reality when he was in the middle of a sentence, so I had to keep asking him to start again.. he got angry and I tried to explain, but got more and more angry and burst into tears.. I was in so much pain because I'd been having horrendous abdominal pains, had ECP out to see what it was, they tested for a urine infection and couldn't find anything.. They said it could be that I have a stone lurking somewhere in my stomach or if I'm pregnant (which.. God help me if I am), it could be something to do with that.. So yeah, i burst into tears because i just kept dissociating and was in so much pain, so confused at that moment in time..

I dissociated and whacked my head lots of times again, accidentally ending the phonecall with Connor.. I cried for ages and he called me again and I apologised, trying to explain, but we were about to end the phonecall when I dissociated again and came back, confused again. I said to Connor "what were you saying?" He said "I was waiting for you to go.." I apologised again and put the phone down, crying more and more.

It's getting worse and more dangerous, causing me to SI again and again.. I'm having a hard time of it right now and it's really getting to me, upsetting me.. I can't live like this my hair's falling out worse than ever now, too

I’m sorry you're having such a difficult time. I can hear and feel your pain and confusion. The continual dissociation, self-abuse and SI tell me you’re in crisis and you need to get some help NOW. Please call 911 or have someone take you to the nearest emergency room. Take care of you! I’m sending positives vibes to you and, if your comfortable with it, a warm, caring embrace.

Is it really that bad? I didn't know that the dissociation and self abuse/SI last night and today showed that I was in real pain and such.. :S

i ahve no-one to come with me

*hugs*
maybe for the SI - which of you is SI'ing... just realize, that just because this is happening you don't deserve hurt, you're not bad, you're still good.

i'm sorry it's so hard, Idunno how bad it is, I do want you safe. SI'ings no fun try your best to stop ok?

I think you need to call your pdoc or therapist and explain what's going on. You are in crisis. I know self injury feels like the right thing to do sometimes but there are other ways of coping like doing some deep breathing. Three breaths out and one in. This changes the amount of oxygen in your blood and can help relax you.
Hugs to you

Kayti

I don't have a therapist anymore.. Alec, my old one is a perverted tw*t and Isobel.. My cpn, hasn't got in touch with me for ages..

So.. I don't know what to do.. I cut last night in the end, dissociated again because too much stuff got on top of me.. One of my friends OD'd, one of them was crying their heart out to me, another was worrying about how to win a girl over.. And all of them were asking me to help them and I needed to.. I had to.. I knew they needed me, otherwise why would they have come to me?

I almost OD'd again Connor's being there for me.. Understanding now.. he said he can live with me SI'ing, just as long as we work on making it better *sob* i just can't take much more of this, I really can't

And now I have no-one to help me, therapists.. No-one.. The only people I have that help are the people here.

I'm so fed up of feeling alone, weighted down.. In pain

TPND, I think that you need to go see your doc. Something needs to be done here for you. You have to have a good therapist........

I know, I know I do.. I guess i just feel so undeserving of the help because I'm wasting peoples' time? I don't knmow

I know I need to see my dr, he cares.. I saw one of my old counsellors today and I o wanted to just blub my face off to her, but i just smiled.. I wish we'd spoken a little.. But we were both shopping.

My arm's bandaged from ym hand to my elbow.. So i can't do it to the same arm again.. But I'm planning to do it again on the other arm :S I only know that because earlier I picked up the blades to move them, thought about throwing them in the bin, then though 'No.. I'll be needing them later'.. What if I get sectioned or something? Oh God.. i don't know whart to do and now I'm panicking whichj means I;'ll dissociate if I'm not carefu;

Go to your doc.................

I casn't go right now. I'll go tomororw ifI can. I'm panicking at eth moment os I;;m kinda all over the placeh.

Sorry

Please, go to your doc, get the help that you can. You deserve help. can you give the blades to a friend? Keep them away, or get yourself where you can't get at them even if that means going to the ER we don't want more pain
please try your best to stay safe

No, I can't get rid of the blades.. Because I live alone and I need them in order to be able to cook anything at all :S I can get rid of most of them though.. The ones that cause the most damage, anyway.. Or I can try.

I'm seeing my dr tomorrow to get this all sorted out because i can't eat a thing and it's making my ED worse and such and I'm just like and I need to get all this fainting and sickness sorted out..

Connor's worried (Again) that I might be pregnant, so I have to go do a test and such I really don't want to but I guess if it's going to put his mind at rest, it's best really.

I dissociated again last night, Charlene was talking to me and I just blanked out completely and had to ask her to start again :/ so I think she was a bit annoyed about that, but she wouldn't understand dissociation if I took hours out of my day to explain it to her..

I managed not to SI last night, but that's because I was with people.. I'm just worried about the weekend..

I am glad that you are going to the doctor .........

I should be going tomorrow. I need to have more tests done.. Connor wants me to have a pregnancy test done, he thinks I could be pregnant (nice compliment!) lol. It could be so because of all the pains and such, but I don't know.. I admit I missed a couple of pills and had to take them the following day :/ for Connor's sake, i hope it comes out negative.. For mine.. Well.

I think I'll leave that hanging because I have so many mixed emotions about it.
I just had my performance lesson and as my tutor was giving feedback, I rocked back and forth once, nearly fainting, but grabbed the mic stand before i could go anywhere.

I just hope the dr can do something for me

*hugs* I hope so too

Might as well take the test - that kinda thing makes me so scared - tbh, the first time I though I might have been I dissociate MAJORLY, but it really is better to know what's going on with that.

Just try your best to talk everything you can out with your doctor

let us know how it goes

I've made an appointment for first thing tomorrow morning.. I'm going to be exhausted.. I'm weak today as it is.. I've never been like this, I've never starved myself so severely :/ But this time, I'm keeping tight to it and no-one's going to break me down..

I told Alec about my dissociating, in an email.. I'm seeing him today so he's going to question me like crazy, knowing I'm holding a lot more back thanm he thinks I am.. *sigh* what'll I do? :/ I'm confsued and weak and tired. I woke up this morning feeling quite refreshed, but I dissociated again last nigth and veryt nearly cut again.. God.. I'm shaking so much i can barely type properly. It's annoying .

Let's just hope the dr can help me with the fainting and feleing sick and such.

PLEASE LET THE DOC. HELP. DO IT FOR CONNOR IF YOU CAN'T DO IT FOR YOU JUST YET.

THERE IS A WAY OUT IF YOU JUST KEEP GOING AND LET SOME GOOD THINGS COME INTO YOUR LIFE.

WHILE YOU ARE ALONE CAN YOU FREEZE THE BLADES IN ICEWATER IN THE FREEZER SO YOU CAN THINK AND TRY TO DO SOMETHING ELSE BEFORE YOU HURT YOURSELF. YOU DO NOT DESERVE THIS. YOU NEVER DID DESERVE THIS. PROGRAMS IN YOUR HEAD LIE TO YOU THAT YOU CAN'T HAVE GOOD. YOU NEVER DID DESERVE THIS CRUELTY EVER EVER EVER EVER!!!

DO TAKE CARE. HUGS IF YOU CAN RECEIVE THEM,

LESLIE

Thatnkyou Leslie..

I've actually put a blade in my wallet.. I feel unsafe going anywhere without it now. I could try the freezing the blades thing, but I don't know if I can, because I'll go crazy and do something really stupid then.. Or if I do get to them, I might cut really bad because it'd be a punishment for trying to stop myself..

Connor said today when he saw me that he's worried baout me, because I keep saying I want to kill myself and I've even started saying it to people face to face.. Now Alec knows a few more things and realises I've been holding back a lot more than he knew about. I can't seem to help it.. I just don't trust anyone at all. I try to talk to Chris as much as I can because I trust him a bit, but I still find it hard.. I can't look him in the eye when I talk about stuff.. Especially when it's about wanting to end it

I'm gonna dissociate and some point and then will be when I take another overdose or something.. Dammit.

TPND, when you go to the doc don't just talk about your physical complaints please tell him about the SI, feeling suicidal, the dissociation and that you need a new therapist okay..........

this is naomi from the constellation. you sound like me about 18 mos ago. my T put me in the hospital. at first i hated her for it. but i soon learned that i am good for something. you keep talking about you wanting to hurt yurself and about all this stuff.

you are calling for help alot louder than i did. i never told. i hid it. i snuck the blades. i hid everything so no one knew. finally my T saw my wrist. i guess i pulled up my sleeve or something.

there is a great hospital for survivors. i can pm you with the name if you want. i don't know where you live. it's in Kansas City. the program saved our life.

i learned new ways to cope with things. sometimes it's hard and i want to SI again, but haven't for almost a year.

it so sounds like you are asking for help and everyone is offering and it seems then like you don't want it any more. like you just want to hurt yurself and then tell us about it. that's confusing.

It is very confusing, for both me and others. It's not that I call out for help and then when i get it, I don't want it I just want to hurt myself.. It's more that I find it difficult to open up to people because of the way I feel and because of what they might decide to do, like admitting me.

I went to the dr's and Connor turned up without my knowledge and gave the dr a letter. He'd come on here and read some of my posts. Scary stuff, but.. I guess he knew that there was a lot more going on than I was letting on. He gave the dr the letter and after I'd read it, he left (he asked if I wanted him to leave) so the dr and I could talk through it. I almost cried!

But the dr's getting in touch with the psych team again, so I can just splurge it all out in one go and then see what happens. I guess there'll be someone coming with me knowing all the stuff to prompt me if I try to miss anything out. He's also sending the letter that Connor wrote, to them.

Also had a pregnancy test done, that came out negative.. Still not sure how to feel about that really, but will probably update when i decide to think about how I feel and such.

Apart from that, I've taken the day off college because of the pains (again) and will be going back tomorrow.

TPND, I am so glad that you are going to be getting proper help now!!!!!!!!!!

Me too!! FINALLY!!

I went back to the hospital just a few minutes ago.. The pains are even worse than before and they're causing me to be less and less able to move.. I can't sit up, I have to lie down, and I can only just walk places, but have to lie down 10 minutes before I go

It's horrible.. The nurse I saw was a ****** and just said in a really nasty tone "There's nothign, absolutely nothing we can do for you. Just go back to your GP. He can deal with it." Ugh. She made me want to cry out in even more pain

I'm literally starting to scream in pain now..

Please phone your GP now...

Possum

I'm going to see my dr today hopefully. But he's pretty booked up, so it might have to wait until Monday. The pain isn't so bad today, it's settled a little. It's still there, though and I'm just trying to hide it as much as possible.

Last night was the worst it's been since last week. So.. I'm going to try and find out what it is again, because it's getting too much. If anything, it could just be stress but I don't know.