How do you divorce an ABUSIVE MONSTER and live to tell about it?

How do you wake up out of what seems to be a never ending nightmare? I have only been married for 3 years and I have been getting beat since before we were married! Did I ignore the signs? Yes. Did I see red flags? Yes. Yet, I walked down the isle and now I am desperately trying to escape this MONSTER of a husband alive and make a better life for myself and two children! But how do you do it? How do you get away? How do you wake up without falling back to sleep?

You keep strong, you find strength within yourself where ever you can get it.
I used anger and disgust for strength at that time which is not like me but I needed to use anything I could to take that leap. And my three children... huge motivator. I could not bear to have them suffer because of my choices or because I was afraid. I went to a women's shelter, pressed charges because I had to in order to receive protection and because I was left with some brutal damage to my face and because he attempted to take my life and almost did, there was no way I could risk my children loosing their mother and only having him for them to depend on. Doing that actually empowered me and gave me more strength. I was taking a stand and finally standing up for my self. It was not easy at all, but it was needed.

The women's shelter moved us to a women's shelter in another city where they helped me obtain legal aide and an interm custody and guardianship order without my husbands knowledge or consent. He was notified after the fact. I was then moved to another women's shelter in another city by choice for my own safety. I was given help with furniture and clothing and other things since we had to leave everything behind. I was directed to financial help and found a place for me and my kids.

Now my life is pretty good. My kids are growing up, we have a nice house, I have a real life, peace and joy, a strong relationship, I am truly happy, my kids are happy.
But I would not have that if I would not have got out. Not at all

Trust me it is doable. My children were only 2 and a half, 4 and 5 at the time, I had no friends or family to turn to. I did not know how I was going to do it by myself. But there is help out there, and lots of it you just have to be willing to ask and willing to be brave and get yourself out.It might feel like the hardest thing you have ever had to do, and it might be, but you can do it. It takes a lot to endure abuse after abuse, It takes a lot to get out, but you have it in you as you have already seen what you can endure and survive. You just have to take that step.

You have to realize you are worth so much more and your children are too. I know for myself, even on my own with no help it was way way way easier than waking up to him everyday. At least I knew what to expect and I knew I could rely on myself. I knew there would be peace in my home. I knew I my children and I would be safe.

You take it one step at a time, and then the next. You don't try to figure out the whole picture, that is way to overwhelming. You make a plan to get out, a simple plan..where to go, how to get there and when. And you keep yourself safe by not letting him know where you are, that you are leaving, you do it when he is not going to be around. If you fear for your safety then I really feel that getting help from a shelter is the best way to go because they can guide you, assist you any way you need, and they have a lot of experience with this, plus they keep you somewhere safe where he cannot come.

Get Help « National Domestic Violence Hotline

I was in an abusive relationship too. I hope you find the strength to leave his ******! And remember, always remember none of this is your fault!

I'm just going to assume you literally mean "survive". If you are in fear for your life, you can call 911 and tell them something stupid like "my air conditioner's broken I need somone to come and fix it". Insist on it. They'll send someone over.

How to get out? Therapy, support groups, self help, and a divorce attorney. Start life, over and realize, that it's not love.

(been there done that, still struggling with the co-parenting aspect, but the idea of being sucked back in romantically...long, long gone....)

If your children are young...you have way more help available and options than if your mom at her age were feeling this way....10 yrs from now...you will be older, wiser, but if you do not make a change now...in much worse circumstances....I never had these issues to deal with, but have worked in environments where I saw it all the time...

There is an 800 domestic abuse hotline..that I would bet you have already called it..maybe several times....but the task seems unattainable...easier now than with teenagers.....

I found this site while searching for ADD info regarding my spouse....so you see...even good men who do not hit their wives can change and become different people over night.....

Im trying to figure out the samething. So far when i try to get help i hit dead ends. My kids are teens and my grandaughter is 3. He says if i leave he knows where all my family is and he willbget me hesbdone it before and will do it again. He was in a gang and while hes not active his og's still do for him and find ppl for him ive watched him. Ive seen him do stupid things to get out of a not so difficult situation so i know he will go out of his way to get to me. I feel like a prisoner in my own home. All i want is my freedom. Ive begged him that if he cared a littlenfor me to let me go but he said if i mention divorce again hed bash my face in... Ive called poloce theu say get a rifle cause they cant get here fast enuf i tried filling out a 50b they say if they cant serve it at a different address and he doesnt get it hes not violatig anything and may do more harm tham good. Theres no sfe place for us 5. So i stay and try to tolerate hell but all i want is to leave and survive same as you! I pray for you and your kids please do the same for me we have to make itout safely!

OMG! This is terrible. Have you tried the homes for women? Is it possible they're prepared and experienced with your situation?

My state the self-defense 'defense' doesn't fly. A woman in your situation would be held accountable to the highest standards of the legal system. Can you obtain something, a little less lethal?

It's scary, isn't it, when they cry 'connections' to 'stalk' and hold 'prisoner'. He's made threatening remarks, which leave you, living in fear. And of course, removing your children, cannot be done, without legal action, no matter what state you reside.

Do you, at least, have a safety plan, in case you are in imminent danger? Stinks, to feel trapped due to bearing children to the wrong man, don't it?

When they are grown, any plans of escape?

My kids are teens my daughter is 20 he has verbally threatened my entire family! I dont have anything but pepper spray and well I have God! None of my kids are his but he threayens that of i leave he will do them hatm he knows their schools, schedules, friends, hangouts,..and has verbalized this. The poloce were no freaking help to me. Everywhere i go no help the shelters are full and if they have room of course they cant take us all I cant leave and leave my kids a target for him to use to draw me out. Ive been praying he just leaves but he wont he acts crazy! Hes the if i cant have u nobody can type and im tired of this life! There has to be an option i havent seen. Hes studied my enire life my family work for a family owned company he knows all whereabouts EVERYTHING AND SAYS IT! HIS WORDS WERE IF YOU LEAVE I KNOW HOW TO GET TO YOU! ILL MAKE SOMEBODY TALK. YOUR PATEnTS YOUR GRAMA ETC EVERYBODY SAYS LEAVE but he holds the cards rigt now. I need $ a place for me and the kids a way to fix my car im applyinh for jobs and talking to people but its a slow process

I hear you about the shelter system! Plus something, I actually learned, was that most of them are used up by displaced families, not so much from domestic issues, but from things like fires natural disasters. Good for you, for looking around for employment, et al.

I used to be scared about the 'finding' out of every little movement. At some point, all these 'friends' of theirs will grow tired of it. As though, they don't have their own personal struggles, etc.

It's a positive, these kids aren't his! That alleviates, some of the 'stuck' that I worried you may have been in, in the first place.

My personal take on the 'system', that is supposed to help victims of abuse, is that they would rather see a person go from victimized mentality to one of survivor, then, for some reason, it seems like help becomes available, as you recognize, just what it is that you need for assistance.

Restraining orders are difficult, without witnesses. Or a broken bone, but broken bones, are best exposed to a cop, as soon as it occurs. No waiting until the next day, if they can come to your home, the better it is to get these things to hold up.

My exh, even three years after divorce, upon discovering that I was in a newly formed relationship, went ape! Yes, I can relate to the if I can't have you, no one can mentality. He doesn't threaten my kids, like yours does, they are his. Instead his verbal manipulation tactics have bordered on threatening to have me incarcerated for abandonment, when I went on a recent vacation and left my kids, in state, with my father, their grandparents for the week. Said, any guy I brought into his kids life would be sent off this planet in a body bag. I even, once asked, so, what if I were to date a lawyer or a doctor? Reply was No, over his dead body, and followed by, as if you'd ever get one of those. (should have seen the hotties surrounding me, in the courthouse the day of my extended restraining order hearing. Know how vindicating that was, for him to see me, sitting between a couple of rather attractive men? hmphh!!)

How tough are you?! If he came after you, physically, can you run outside? Can you withstand, just enough? I mean, if he runs after you with a knife, run faster?! I withstood, a serious twisting of my arm, literally, he was grabbing a digital recorder from my hands, and I wasn't letting go for dear life, and I ended up with eye witnesses as I was pulled from my car. Yeah...decided to jump in front of my car, as I was pulling out of my parking lot! I endured some pain, but wow, two men and a woman showed up! I screamed and screamed, because gosh darn it all, it was scary, but I am not about to be bullied and harassed and let this man, if you can call him that, dictate how the rest of my life can go!

Your post, sounds like you are planning an exit! And for that, I am proud of you!!

Yes im planning one i just have to be careful. I cant tip him off in any way... I keep a bag packed but i always have because i used to work weekends he doesnt think much of that because he just thinks its a weekend work bag type thing..i have a bag with important documents all packed up just sittig in the corner ...as for how tough i am im fairly tough but i have fibromyalgia so some days my jewelry hurts meso i can go from xena warrior princess to having as much strength as a wet noodle in 30 minutes ... He knows this...i spoke with a man explaining my situation who is willing to train me for a discounted price but hard to do when hes always around... I have evidence to be granted a divorce i jist dont have anything to keep me safe!

I have MS, so I can appreciate your Fibro, on a level most wouldn't understand about the two illnesses. The fatigue is about one in the same

I just woke up, and thought about you and these little og connections, he professes of his past. Did the two of you, ever grow up in the same community? Because, sometimes, it's not as important to have been there done that, in terms of what he's done in his past, but sometimes, a personal connection, a smile, a kind word, in the 2-3 degrees of separation with family and friends of these 'friends' of your h's is as important as anything, in the here and now.

My ex, was always dismissive of the fact, that albeit a decade later, he and I attended the same urban high school, saying that because I didn't grow up in that city since birth, I could never call it my home. However, in the here and now, having been friends with those cousins and little sisters of those he professes to be connected with, has in turn, often mattered, as I considered, through the years whether to accept his threats as credible or not. Learning that it really didn't matter, because everything is connected, in one way or the other.

Does this hold, any familiarity to yourself? He, my ex, always forgets that I am a decade younger, and that, that decade difference, made all the world of difference, in that people will look the other way.

OR, as threatening, as you h can be, with you, trying to use his past as a fear tactic; if he's as nasty with you, does it stand to reason that he's lost respect with others around him, for the same temperament/disposition?

Glad you'll learn some self defense moves. My ex, never realized, that in college, I learned a few tips and tricks from a Marine officer candidate.

Im older than he is...I dont know anyone from his past accept his beat friend, 1 cousin, 1 guy who he claims is like his brother, his mom , his grama, and aunt and uncle and the kids.... He knows all of my life but says he doesnt want me involved in his past it was a different time for him... I know he will make good on some threats because Ive seen him do spitedul stuff to people...he maced his own cousin in the face and lied saying he called me a bitxh because i was kicking him out so that he would get mad and leave him here...he does mean stuff to people ...hes mean to our dogs! Thay makes me mad too! He yells and curses at the dog and grabs them by the neck sometimes if im not outside...he took a my lil chi chi and did something with her i was walking outside and he was picking her up and he cussed me out then he left to go to the store later i look for chihi ahes gone and i n2ver saw her again... Hes evil so i take him seriously! Hes has bruised my face with his fingers by poking me really hard hes bite me in my face hes choked me he has sat on me and pushed his face into my face really hard he has rammed me with his chest but says its not abuse cause he hasnt punched me and i always sound like a victim..i know if i expose him he will hurt me because he hates to be embarrassed and verbalizing all he has put me trough out loud to other people he tries to pretend in front of will anger him... He tries to keep me from everybody so i wont tell... If he thinks im telling he will shut me up. He told me if i ever tell certwin things it wont be good!

I am sorry it is so extemely tough. I wish I had answers but I dom't. Only know that somehow someway you have to get out.

My ex was an informant for the police at the time which I had found out after. No the police did not really help much. They did arrest him because I showed up at the station with a broken face and severe imjuries to my neck from being choked. Plus in Canada police have to press charges for rhe victim in domestic abuse cases after a report is filed. Because so many women are to scared to follow through or because the abuser and the victim make up and the cycle just repeats.

Restraining orders really only go so far. It can help but certainly is not enough to offer any protection really.

Can you at least get on the waiting list for a shelter? At least it would be an option if the time comes when they have space for you and your children. Because honestly it sounds like relocating away from him seems your best bet to being safe. No one can live a life looking over their shoulder all the time.

I am very sorry I really feel bad for you and your children. It is extremely maddening that the systems in place to help you are failing so misserably.

I agree, restraining orders only go so far. I've been divorced, 3 years, and still have been subjected to threats and verbally combative behaviors and was physically assaulted, at the end of August. Some men(and I'll toss out, women too, for sensitivities sake), never seem to get through their inappropriate, hateful, spiteful, resentful, anger.

It's tougher, when there are kids. Sure, shelters have the confidentiality acts, but it's usually to start completely with just the shirt on your back, which does occur. If there's a criminal case or conviction, then there's legal help out there, that appears to delve into more complex case law stuff. In this day and age, lest the children are actually physically harmed, it's really, really tough for women to get away from their abuser. I'd liken it to being re-victimized by a system designed to help. We'll see.

Sometimes, I don't feel that it's because the woman really wants to stay with or near her abuser, but there's so much red tape.

I hope you can find some solutions and an escape from his violent temper. Safely, and with health intact.

I want to add, I do have a restraining order in effect, but still have to abide by the visitation schedule. Was put on the spot, by the judge, if the children were in fear. I said emotionally affected, but didn't state fear of their father. He asked me if I had any family or close friends to help with arranging the pick ups and drop offs, which I don't, mom is deceased, I am an only(do technically have a 20 something half sister, but really don't know her well), my dad lives 9 hours away 10 months a year, and 1 hour away the other two months. This isn't really my family location, it's two states away, for a very small family. With an ex 2 blocks away from me. His family, that he's rather estranged from lives in the area, and moved to this town, to follow his job. My hs friends live all over the country, as do my college friends and the cousins I am close with.
These visits, have been 1-2 hours later than schedule for pick up. The kids told me, he hardly lets them inside his home. That, if any one of them doesn't want to visit, they don't have to and can stay with me. The schedule maintains 18 hours a week, but it's closer to 10, at the current last two week pattern.

If I didn't open my car door, my arm was about to snap against the window/door frame. I've got some interesting threats, stored away from a voice recorder that I'd uploaded to a computer, which was what he bruised me up, over.

The hearing date, is approaching. I'm worried about the stigma, of what's almost a sure guilty, he either pleads or goes to trial, for my children's sake.

Why, is it, so hard, to get these types of men, away from us women, who clearly don't want them around? With kids, can't just up and run away...

You get out as safely as possible. To me that means don't tip your hand as to what you are doing.

If you have time, establish your own credit and write letters to joint creditors saying you will no longer be responsible for his debt. Keep copies of everything.

Contact a local Women's Resource Center to End Domestic Violence - Atlanta, GA for an escape plan for you and your children.

Don't fault yourself ... and I would not file a restraining order, as this makes them even angrier and police are rarely around right when you need them.

Learn how and clear your computer's history and cache automatically every few minutes and purposely when you close your browser and in between, to limit his stalking you online.

But remember, you cannot leave the state, if they are his kids, or in anyway legally responsible for them. Even with these safety plans, you aren't allowed to leave the state. MI does have a 100 mile clause.

As far as not filing a restraining order?! If there's been a beating and then some, and especially with police involvement, granted it's a legal paper, but it's designed for some sort of protection. To not do, so, because they'll get angrier? Documentation is key to leaving.

Here's an informative link about the difficulties faced, by victims of Domestic Abuse and Violence
Domestic Relations Law Domestic Violence: The Tipping Point

The most widespread and helpful provisions are those that require or strongly encourage courts to assess the dangers posed by domestic or sexual violence and weigh them against the need to preserve the parental rights of the abusive parent.
A few jurisdictions, including those that have fully adopted the Uniform Child Custody Jurisdiction and Enforcement Act, waive notice requirements that might alert an abuser to the victim’s new location. Judicial tools that preserve the confidentiality of the new location can be critical where the other party’s locating the victim has been found to pose a significant safety risk. Many abusers are tenacious and may follow victims across state lines without hesitation if they know where the victim is located. Where allowed by law, courts should consider sealing portions of the case file that provide clues to the victim’s whereabouts.

As a way to keep my ex out of our lives I have had to stay leagally married to him. It is a very complicated situation. I left him in 2004 and yet am still married

He did get my new address from the courts. He did show up ananounced and I have since moved and have managed to avoid court since but in no way is it easy to do. It very much depends on the abusive spouce and how much they are willing to put into the courts. I have been dragged to court by my ex three times. But he doesnt follow through and that is my only saving grace.

That's awful that the courts gave away your address, like that. That's similar to putting your life in danger.

Does sound like a complicated situation to be in! Will you, ever be able to divorce him?

Child Custody and Visitation Decisions in Domestic Violence Cases: Legal Trends, Research Findings, and Recommendations

However, violence against one parent by another is often considered in custody-determination proceedings (Family Violence Project, 1995

How To Deal With An Abusive Husband During A Divorce | LIVESTRONG.COM


One thing, to do, returning back to the OP, is to emotionally separate yourself from the illusion of what you felt was the love you felt for this man. Not falling back to sleep, tells me, that there is something inside of you that fears being without him. (not necessarily the abusive him, but the ideal of his good side)

How are things, going, right now?