is reconciliation wise for me

I know God was totally with me in my leaving. Things just fell together to easily. My parents were able to take us in, then after 3 months, my sister bought a house and the house she was renting from my parents was vacant. That made room for us right away. I got food stamps, and have had no problems paying my bills. The church has been supportive, my T has been supportive. Things have just gone so smoothly.

I now have a peace about my decision to return. A peace, not a certainty of success, but at least a peace. I feel like I need to give my H a chance. I am afraid many days to make that change, so many things could go wrong and I know that. But I also know my T is watching, my parents are watching, the school is watching, and God is watching. I am stronger, and I have a back up plan. I can see red flags in some areas, but I think I can deal with that stuff for right now. If it gets to be to much, I tried. That is all I can do. This is the last time I leave and return. If I leave again I will not return.

I think that your time "away" from your H and having your own space has been really good for you. Sometimes we don't realize just how much we allow someone to take over our space, instead we learn to live that way, it becomes our "normal".

When it really hit "me", after I was already struggling with PTSD and trying to figure out not only what it meant but how to gain on identifying triggers and finding ways to work through them is when I noticed, really noticed how every morning I was waking up huddled in the bottom corner of my bed with a big pillow I had learned to use to protect me as my husband, even in his sleep is restless and takes over the bed. I had it develop in my mind that I just had to learn how to sleep around that and I was not really getting a good night's sleep.

Finally, because I could not sleep without having the TV on, my husband moved to another room and FINALLY I actually got to have the bed to myself and actually SLEEP without that pillow. WOW, it was such a difference just claiming that one space. Did I feel guilty? YES, I did until I realized that I actually have every right to sleep in a healthy way and that meant not sleeping with my husband.

When you go back to "give your husband another chance" just make sure you make your OWN SPACE and don't fall back into giving up your space. You know, your husband is used to ruling the entire home and he is also used to taking his anger out on "you". You have to make sure you are strong and make sure you say NO. You are so used to giving in so you have to make sure "you" don't go back to that old pattern because now you know it's very unhealthy for you.

unless he acknowledges the specific problems and is in therapy himself, don't go back.

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Oh he is definitely in T. He will acknowledge he contributed to the reasons our marriage is where it is. He is not spiciffic. He only says when I make mentions of abuse "I can see how you would see things that way." He sound sympathetic but he never actually admits to being any of the things I say he is or has done. There is a difference in YES I DID THAT and I SEE how you would see it that way. The T has said he may never admit wtong doing. With his aspergers it simply may not be possible to admit fault.

I still have several weeks. I dont know. I still don't know yet what I will do.

Oh that sounds just like my H was. When confronted about doing something he would say that wasn't what he was doing or that wasn't what he meant.

He was forever saying when confronted about something "I don't know" just like a kid that gets caught doing something & asked why. His other favorite saying was "whatever" By the time I left after 33 years of that, I just wanted to slap anyone who said those words I was so sick of that crap. That was his way of getting out of responsibility for doing anything.

He never admitted doing anything wrong.....but he definitely played the innocent victim of everyone else doing him wrong when it reality the problem was always his creation because he was incapable of handling anything outside of his normal routine.

For me, I had to leave because it was a matter of trust. Not infidelity sort of trust, but just being able to trust what he was telling me. I would ask him something that I wasn't able to find the answer to because he had filed the paperwork & knew what was going on. He would tell me something that he was so sure was the truth & I would rely on it & find out how seriously WRONG he was. I knew that as long as he was in my life this was going to be a problem & that If I didn't leave & take control of my life so I knew EVERYTHING that was going on (especially financially) I was going to be continually trapped into having to depend his inability to know the truth but be so absolutely sure that he was right......I just couldn't continue to live that way.....that was the straw that broke this camel's back.

Even though I walked out when I bought my farm, it wasn't initially with the intent on leaving him, but like you, during my time away, I actually found myself & I wasn't willing to give it up to go back though I did bring him to the farm for a few weeks that following Christmas & our daughter came for Christmas also to see my farm & celebrate our last Christmas together as a family. I kicked him out a few weeks later when it was nothing but fighting & him totally disrespecting me in my home when in reality, he was a guest here. That was the end & I have never regretted my decision.

I do understand your need to give in one last chance because I did that also though I think I had already decided that it wasn't going to work before he ever got her. Ugh, a 2100 mile trip in my truck with him driving across the country with our 13 dogs in my horse trailer......enough talking on that trip for me to honestly KNOW it wasn't going to work before he ever got there.

He nailed the coffin shut on the marriage when I found out that from even before I went to buy my farm he had received a letter from the IRS about back taxes without saying a word to me about it. I got the second letter only because I had all the mail forwarded to my farm from that Christmas when he came to the farm for initially an unknown period of time.

His philosophy was that it wasn't a lie if he said nothing & his MO was to withhold information.....in his mind it wasn't a lie because he never said anything. I couldn't get through to him that withholding information is the same as lying if the person is entitled to know the information. UGH, it's no wonder I was screaming at him by the time I finally left. The peace of not having to put up with his crap was the best thing that ever happened to me.

But we have to KNOW & we have to give it the chance until we are convinced that we have had all we can take or in best case, it does work out to be enough change to be satisfied with.

Don't feel bad if you do go back & it does feel enough but if months down the road, you realize that in reality it's NOT, though it would be wonderful if it all does work out great & the changes are enough to make the marriage workable (at least for awhile). Usually there is sort of a honeymoon period when going back when they are on their best behavior......it's when that period is over that the true test comes & it's OK too.

I honestly pray that it works out for you. I'm just happy that you have such a wonderful IRL support network that is helping you through this. With that I would have much less worries....I had no one. My mom had died, I had a useless T living in California & my daughter was off having her own life problems. I had no one to talk things through with or to get support from so I had to figure it out on my own & hope my decisions were OK. With the support you have, I would also be more willing to give it a chance also....but WHEN YOU ARE READY. It's important to feel confident in your own strength to hold your own in the relationship....but with your support network, its easier to take a chance when you know they are watching & observing with your best interest in mind.

That would be pretty key for me, personally.

I prefer a relationship where there's ownership on both sides. Not I can see how YOU could think/feel/see that, but I can see how My actions can affect you. So let's work together on our communication.

My sons father has yet to accept his role and might never.

I agree 110% about ownership. Deal breaker for me if that isn't there on both sides. My ex refused to own any of his issues during marital therapy.

And he would never give genuine apologies at home. It would be "I'm sorry you feel that way." He was never wrong, in his eyes. There was only one way. His way.

Mama, how are you? xo

It is so nice to know someone remembered me and my situation. I have decided to go back. I have set a date of Labor Day Weekend. Now that we are starting a new month I am working with the T to tell myself that this will be ok. It is gonna be good, this is what I want and what God wants. It will all work out.

I am working with the T and my H is to on making this a successful transition. I have to try or I couldn't live with myself otherwise.

You need to do what is right for you.

It's the best thing to give it a chance. You never know until you try & plan for it to work to give it your best go.

Sounds like you have a wonderful supportive group of people around you. That can make all the difference in the world

eskielover, thank you for your continued support. There are days when I want to scream, there are days when I want to cry, and days when I know it will be ok. The last one I don't get to see to often but it is there form time to time. It is times that I get words of encouragement from you guys and jsut the reminder that you care enough to respond that gets me threw all the hard days, thank you so much. Thank you all so much.

Now this is a scream kinda day, I think I will go and scream, even if it is silently in my head.

Scream into a pillow.

I used to do that when I couldn't actually scream.


A good loud scream can be so cathartic.

Good luck, we're here for you.

Hi Again, BigMama -

You and your family remain in my daily meditations (prayer).
You're definitely not forgotten!

(((( Bigmama ))))
Continued Healing


WC

Let me update you a little. I set a date to return home. As of September 5th I will go back home and no longer stay the night in this house. I had T this this week. I told the T I realize that I do not want to go home, but I am going home any way. I need to do what I said I would. The time looks right. School is starting, I start homeschooling sometime in the beginning of September. I wanted to get home before the holidays. October is Halloween, November is Thanksgiving and December is X mas. So Labor Day only makes since as far as the calander goes.

The T gave me lots of encouragement. She was glad I realized what I needed. I needed to go home, eventhough I don;t really want to. She also recognized that a few weeks ago I simply didn't know, and at least now I do know. That is something we can work with. She said it is time to start giving credit where credit is due. So I decided I am going home, now I need to tell myself good things and positive things aobut going home.

I ran into a spot that kinda made me sad again. I sat at home this morning and listened to the jar flies and felt the breeze, I had the window open. The trees were swaying and it was jsut so peaceful. Much like when you go to the beach or the mountains on vacation the atmosphere kinda sucks you in and you are saddened to have to leave it, but you know you can't hang on to that forever. Well that is where I am now. I can't hang on to this forever, it is time to move on with life. But I can do what ever I need to in order to bring this peace and serenity with me and create that where I will be going. Recreate that at H's house.

My new goal over the next few weeks is to take the negatives and make them into a positive. So instead of saying I am really gonna miss the peace this house offers, I need to say I will go home and there I will try my best to create and make that kind of peace there.

The T said when I do return I need to make it known how difficult of a transition this has been for me and how unsure I am of returning. He needs to continue to make it so that I want to be there. Any time I hear something I need to say it. I need to say "That is the kind of changing I was hoping to see or this is one of the things that caused me to leave in the first place. If I don't say it then he can't fix it, and if I don't encourage positive change then he will not no to continue. So at least now I have a plan.

Wish me luck. Unfortunately my T is going to be out of town for the next two weeks. I will not have T again until Aug 30th. Please continue to keep me in your prayers. In the next few weeks I may fall and I may need yall to help pick me up again and get me back on the right path.

Good luck, sweetie. It must be difficult deciding to go home when you do not want to go home.

Please keep us updated. As always, I'm wishing the best for you and in you are in my thoughts.

Prayers with you. I really like your mindset of bringing back with you what you know works best for you and what you need to feel centered each and everyday.

If you don't mind my pointing out as far as communication goes one part that might not gel, is the part that says, "this is what led me to leave in the first place."

Instead, perhaps, state how it makes you feel combined with what your solution would be, offer alternatives as a means where with his newfound awareness care of you expressing your needs, he can make a choice to accommodate you. He can make a choice to acknowledge you. Your decisions based upon his behavior choices is on you not him, if that makes sense?



"Interrogate your hidden assumptions."-Cornel West

I am just wondering if you have to go back all at once. I am wondering if you could decide (if you wanted to) to start out going back let's say three nights and then see how that goes before going back all nights.

I think your approach is a wonderful way to look at going back......will be keeping you in my prayers also.

I think if you keep that place as a just in case, but go back into the marriage to show you are giving it your all, is probably the best. You can always leave again if it does start to feel like its going in the wrong direction & you have enough support around you that won't allow it to get back to where it was without saying something & encouraging you to take positive action to take care of yourself.

Another thought was days there and nights in your own place? Because it seems like the homeschooling is a huge factor. And perhaps to keep from feeling overwhelmed, is my thought, to see you as separate as an individual, really let it sink in. Maybe in learning to value he can rebuild upon your marriage if not back immediately to the old routine. Just a thought...

"Interrogate your hidden assumptions."-Cornel West

good luck and i like bill3s post alot too, and everyone else's too.

I do go back on Friday and Saturday nights. Then I go home on Sunday evening. I needed to see that he could be civil and safe for atleast 3 days in a row. So far so good.

I will be going back to stay the night after Sept 5th. I will still be at my house a lot. I have lots of stuff to clean and take back to "our house." I have a yard to mow here and a garden that needs harvesting soon. So I am not going back 100%. I also want to keep this house I am in at the moment available in case things do not work out

My H is really looking forward to us moving back home and sleeping there. He has joked and said "I have slept with our sons more then I have with my wife this past year." They have gone on out of town work related trips several times this year and he had to sleep with one of hte kids.

The way it looks right now, H will get home at 6:00 and I will bring little one back to "our house" every evening at 6:00 also. She goes to bed at 7:30 in order to get ready for school the next day. So during that hour and a half she will shower and get ready for bed and her daddy can spend time with her then if he so chooses.

After she goes to bed, I will do home school wiht our son for a few hours that evening. I will likely give him his assignments shortly after I arrive at 6:00 and I will fill in and help him after 7:30.

At some point in the evening I would like to think H and I would have some time to at least talk a little. We have very different sleep schedules. I go to bed around midnight, he goes to bed around 8 pm. So it is definitely gonna take some juggling.

I find your experience uplifting and hopeful.
Will there be changes to how you and your husband interact? Will there be efforts to rediscover each other and the changes that have occurred in your partnership?
Sounds like absence has made the heart grow fonder. The day to day monotony when there's dysfunction in how couples communicate and interact can truly drive a wedge.

Sounds like the maintenance on the other home might be what you need.

Prayers and hugs

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