[Danay]

So today I got frantic calls from both our families and the hospital informing me hes attempted to self harm. Without going into what he did hes going to survive but is very fortunate as it was a close call.
I feel numb, well kind of. I'm vacillating between being numb, angry and feeling sorry for him. Obviously his family want me to make contact - I'm not going to. My family are torn between hes manipulative and maybe I should make contact and my 2 close friends are saying so be it. Meantime my brain has turned to chopped liver and I cant recall why I actually left yet I have detailed journals telling me.
I hate how this separating has left me feeling ;(.
Appreciate your thoughts please

[TishaBuv]

Do you think it was an honest attempt to end his live that went wrong? Or do you think it was a self harm not intended to end his life, but rather to put him in the hospital as a cry for your sympathy?

Either way, this man is very unhealthy and was taking terrible advantage of you and treating you horribly. He wants to continue doing just that. You made your break for freedom and health.

A good psychiatrist is needed for him. He's an able bodied man who can pull himself together and pick himself up to stand on his own two feet without you. He can recover and move on without you. Heck, he'll probably even find a new gf to eventually abuse very soon.

It's completely understandable to feel everything you are feeling. A good therapist would be a good idea for you as well.

[Danay]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

Do you think it was an honest attempt to end his live that went wrong? Or do you think it was a self harm not intended to end his life, but rather to put him in the hospital as a cry for your sympathy?

Either way, this man is very unhealthy and was taking terrible advantage of you and treating you horribly. He wants to continue doing just that. You made your break for freedom and health.

A good psychiatrist is needed for him. He's an able bodied man who can pull himself together and pick himself up to stand on his own two feet without you. He can recover and move on without you. Heck, he'll probably even find a new gf to eventually abuse very soon.

It's completely understandable to feel everything you are feeling. A good therapist would be a good idea for you as well.

Its hard to say but I think hes lost and has absolutely no idea how he'll cope. He doesnt work, has no idea how to use a computer. Doesnt have a cellphone. Cant cook. He'll be floundering I think.
I think he probably did it because the option of being an adult is all to much.
Today I've had numerous calls asking I at least talk to him but I'm not going to. In fact a close friend has my phone and is only handing it to me when either my mum or sisters call.
Thankfully I've been invited to friends for the weekend so cant be found.

[Molinit]

Continue to be no contact. I just read some of your older posts and your life was a nightmare - his guilt trip will just suck you back in. Stay the course.

[Danay]

Originally Posted by Molinit

Continue to be no contact. I just read some of your older posts and your life was a nightmare - his guilt trip will just suck you back in. Stay the course.

Thank you for that. Its just what I needed. Now even my mum is saying I should contact him

[Nammu]

You tried to get him help before, he refused. You've done many things trying to ke things better. Now it's time for him to start taking responsibility for his own life. If you contact him it will only reward bad behavior and encourage him to continue this acting out to get his way. He's in the hospital and he's safe. Let them help him and don't give him a reason to even dream that this behavior will get him what he wants.

[Danay]

Originally Posted by Nammu

You tried to get him help before, he refused. You've done many things trying to ke things better. Now it's time for him to start taking responsibility for his own life. If you contact him it will only reward bad behavior and encourage him to continue this acting out to get his way. He's in the hospital and he's safe. Let them help him and don't give him a reason to even dream that this behavior will get him what he wants.

Thanks Nammu,
I was feeling strong but faltering a bit. My mum said if it was me she'd want him to help me - typical 78 yr old worry wort mum. Thing is 1, I never did the things he did and 2, I would not self harm and 3, even though I know the first 2 its not helping yet I dont want to go back. My brains have turned to scrambled eggs . I feel so stressed out I've just taken a clonzepam but nothings happened yet. Its the first time I've taken them so no clue how I should feel but anything would be better than this

[TishaBuv]

Why did he make himself so isolated and completely dependent on you in the first place? "Can't use a computer?" It sounds like he had some deep issues and really does need psychological help.

Seriously, a therapist and your attorney on your side should be helping you right now.

Maybe writing him a letter saying how he needs to get help and learn to be an adult and move on would be better than calling or visiting, adding more closure. As hard as it is, no contact is also an option. It doesn't make you look bad. You tried everything and have already said everything. Now you have broken free. There really isn't anything to say to him except that you hope he gets help and becomes well and moves on.

[Nammu]

Keep coming here we will be supportive. He may never have hit you but his behavior was emotionally abusive. Tisha has a great idea of the letter. You could ask your sister if she lives near the hospital if he will allow you to talk to the doctor in charge of his case and tell the doctor his behavior so they can better help him. I was married to an abusive person and he too tried to get sympathy by playing the victim. Please tell those around you that any contact with him in person or by phone will only encourage him to stay stuck.

Stay strong, read the journals so you can see all the things you lived him for so many years.

[Danay]

Thank you All, really appreciate your support.
So I've received an email from his sister with a scanned letter from him saying he has no idea why I left after all he does for me and to come home so we can sort it out. He then goes into great detail about things he does do like hanging the washing out and bringing it back in, vacuuming, making the bed etc - all are chores he chose to do, theres no mention of what he doesnt do that I have to. This is what hes done right through, he chooses what he doesnt and I pick up what he doesnt do, like working full time, banking shopping, cooking, washing, cleaning bathrooms, shower rooms, dusting - he vacuums but refuses to dust. Not to mention running him around when he wants to go somewhere, ok its not often but still crazy I have to take time off work to take him to the doctors or dentist or pets to the vets.
I have no idea how to or even if I should reply. Just feels like hes playing mind games.
Thanks for listening. So thankful I found this forum

[Nammu]

I would not respond. He does know why you left. You made it very clear to him. You asked him to get help he refused.

[MickeyCheeky]

I would stay away from him.. you already did the best you could.

[TishaBuv]

He didn't mention in his letter how nasty he was to you. That is probably more the reason you left him.

How did he end up being so barely functioning and completely dependent on you? What was he like in the beginning and how did this become this way over time?

[eskielover]

I wouldn't even consider responding. You made the break.....stick to your guns without a waver.

Lol, that's a list of THINGS....how about where is the list of emotional support or REAL CONNECTION he (doesn't) have with you. My husband would do nice things. He would even visit me in the hospital.....why???? Because in his mind he knew it was the right thing to do, not because there was any feeling involved in his doing it.

If this guy is so helpless, maybe the hospital needs to find a group home for him when he is ready to be discharged...sure thing he's not capable of caring for himself.

Be WISE. if you have to keep reading your journals to remember why you left....do it. People outside the walls you two lived in have no idea how really bad it was for you & people create a good picture they want to believe to make themselves feel good about something they know nothing about. You know....it's important to hold onto why you left & not question yourself.

No matter what the reason he is the way he is, he is NOT COMPATIBLE with you NOW & that is all that counts. He knows why you left....he is just playing games with you....don't get back in the game.

As others have said, it will just reinforce his pathetic behavior....definitely NOT A GOOD THING TO DO. It's time he grow up & take responsibility for his own life.

[Shazerac]

He is playing mind games and his mother is too. I think that no contact is the best option for you. Don't read his mother's emails either. You can set up your inbox so they go directly to your trash so you won't even know you got the email.

[Danay]

Thanks everyone, really really appreciate your support. I've not responded and dont intend to but even my family - my mom and 2 older sisters think I am hard hearted but funnily enough my younger sisters and younger brother all think I shouldnt response. My brother particularly is regularly in touch making sure I havent

[Nammu]

I'm glad some of your family is being supportive. Keep posting here and we'll offer more support.

[Danay]

Thanks Nammu, I will. Its a life saver for me at the moment

[Danay]

Ok I dont know if I can do this. I know I should but right now I am begunning to doubt myself if I have done the right thing leaving him. I keep reading my journals, reminding myself I dont ever want to be intimate again with him, that I dont want to be the bread winner, that I dont want to leave in that house or town, how I have no say in who does which chores because he decides, how I do all the cooking etc and he can be oboxious, arrogant and said the most awful things to be but nothing is working. I feel so sorry for him.
Would really appreciate your thoughts, my minds turned to mush

[Nammu]

Has he accepted any responsibility at all? If he is still all "I do this and this why did you leave me " nothing will change. Have you talked to your younger siblings, they can help you remember too why you left. If you go back at this point he will have more power than ever and you will be held responsible for every bad thought he has. At least make him responsible for his health. He must go to therapy, he must go to the doctor, he must go to couples therapy or you will leave.

Put the responsibility on him. Despite my husbands abuse it was hard for me to just walk out. We got a legal separation and I made his going to therapy, and anger management within 2 yrs a condition of not getting a divorce. That way it wasn't about me leaving it was on him to fix what was wrong....he couldn't do it. So I went ahead with the divorce and he couldn't play the victim because he had the power to stay married.

[Danay]

Thanks Nammu, that last paragraph is extremely helpful. I hadnt ever thought of putting it that way!. Last time I tried to leave him he begged me not to because in his own words "please please dont leave me, I'll have nothing" & idiot that I stayed but over the last couple of yrs hes been saying things like " I have embraced my mental illness and I am happy as I am", "I'll akways find a woman to feed me", " only you think theres something wrong with me, I'm happy so why should I change?" & the all classic " who said I need to work, I dont have to because society thinks I should".
But here is my problem, he always said those in jest, whilst laughing and joking.
Obviously he was serious but me thinking how bizarre nobody would really mean that, it went right over my head Duh.
Thats been my constant battle his bizarre utterings have been soooo bizarre I have rationalised to myself hes joking.

[TishaBuv]

It's a give and take. What did he do for you? It obviously wasn't enough, if much at all. You've made the break now. He was really using you, and he probably will quickly find another woman to feed him. The fact that he said that makes a good case for him as a user more than someone with MI.

[Nammu]

When he says he's happy as he is, what he's really saying is that he's happy not changing anything because he's getting his needs met. But for a healthy relationship both parts must get there needs met, that means he has to do his part. Let the hospital meet his needs. I bet Tisha is right, he'll quickly find someone else to meet his needs. He seems very selfish, thinking only of himself.

[Danay]

Tish & Nammu thank you both sooo much. You are both lifesavers
So today hes called my parents, all my siblings and their spouses as well as work colleagues and left messages on both my personal mobile and on call mobile.
My younger brother bless him is fantastic. Together we had a 3 way phone discussion with my lawyer who's written him a letter stating exactly why I left and what would have to occur for me to even consider going back - your idea Nammu .
The conditions for me returning are, he sees a psychiatrist and does as directed but given in this country he can refuse all treatment we have asked for his diagnosis so he cant say the shrink has said theres nothing wrong with him. He also needs to see any therapist as directed and needs to find work. Hes work shy and doesnt see why he should work so wont. However its putting the ball in his court so we can say he chose not to save the marriage. Hes always blamed me for everything this way I am not to blame.
Feels sooo much better! ��

[eskielover]

Good work.....glad you put the responsibility in his court. I'm betting he will claim how unfair you are being. I know my husband I left 9 years ago said it was his personality & couldn't change & he was SURE that if I had tolerated him for 33 years I would tolerate him for the rest of our lives. Marriage is move than JUST tolerating the other person & their behavior.

It's obvious your husband has been given a free ride to do ONLY what he wants to do probably ALL his life (starting before you married him). I know my husband freaked at any change in his life & routine was the only thing he felt comfortable with. You stay right where you are....I can assure you that after you get through this you will wonder why you didn't do this sooner & you will probable find yourself happier in your life than you EVER have felt before. Sounds like even your mom hasn't been the best influence in your life if she is encouraging you to go back to him. Being far away from mom will probably be a good thing too.

When I left my marriage 9 years ago, I moved 2100 miles away & basically started life over. That first Christmas I invited my daughter & him to my new farm after living there after being there 8 months alone working on fixing it up. I had been so happy being away from him those 8 months, having him around me I knew wasn't a good choice but wanted to give him one LAST try to change given living in new surroundings.

There is that saying "absence makes the heart grow fonder". I never even thought about him those 8 months after leaving him to begin with. I didn't miss him & I felt no love for him & realized that I NEVER really had those whole 33 years we were married. I can honestly say now that I have NEVER been happier in my life than I am now & will be happier this next year when I finally get the divorce finalized & tie up ALL the loose ends & go back & get the things I left behind when I left including my horse.

I'm sure you will feel similar relief & peace in your life after you get through this first difficult time. He may never stop fighting the change & the free ride he's been getting in life. He's probably afraid of being alone & having to do ALL the things himself that you were doing for him.....but that's HIS PROBLEM, not yours.

KEEP STRONG. Glad you have a good lawyer & good people around you that are supporting your decision to leave.....just blow off those who don't support what you are doing because they don't see the same picture of your relationship as you do. They don't see behind the closed doors & all the crap that went on that no one but you saw or experienced. Those are always the reasons we leave....the daily life stuff that builds up & makes it impossible to continue living that way.

So glad to hear you have now taken the action you have....keep staying strong....happiness will be your result.