When I think about my situation, I cannot help but blame my parents. My dad has never been loving unconditionally. He yelled at us, and even beat us when we did something not to his expectations, like not getting an A as school. Once he told me to go and die because I didn't do well at the university. I cannot forget all these moments when he tries to be nice to me now, when everything seems OK. All he cares about is money and education. He has never cared about how we feel. He wouldn't hesitate to criticize us in front of people and embarrass and humiliate us.

My mom is the same. All she cares about is cooking, cleaning, and washing clothes (of course beside shopping and talking). She has never respected and loved us, and expressed love in a personal way.

Also, both my parents aren't very social. They are difficult to deal with, and always in conflict with others. I don't remember we have ever been visited regularly by another family, or my parents visit regularly other families. My dad has always thought other people are his enemies, and he told us that repeatedly.

I know I'm responsible for my life now, but I feel I'm established in a way of thinking which is beyond my control. I don't want to have kids, because I don't want them to be treated like that and feel the pain I have experienced.

The problem now is that they want me to feel guilty that I'm far away from them. Maybe they helped me financially, but they hurt me a million. I'm not successful if that was my dad's goal by being strict with us as he claims at times. Actually I consider myself a failure in life. People of my age have families, kids, cars, and homes. I still don't have a full-time job. have never been in a relationship. have no friends. Don't own a car or a home. I sometimes get into heated arguments with him because of these things, but he wouldn't say that he did wrong. I'm the one who is ungrateful to them, because apparently parents are always right.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Lonely Warrior: I'm sorry you were treated so poorly. I do agree that one never fully escapes the types of treatment you describe. My parents were not as severe as it's sounds like yours were. But there were complicated issues nonetheless. (I'll spare you the details.)

Part of the problem, in my case, was my parents expected to have a normal everyday son. But what they got was something far different... & at a time when such things were simply not talked about & there was virtually no help available. When I had the opportunity I moved halfway across the country to attend school & never really went back, except for a couple of visits. My mother in particular was deeply hurt I know. I was an only child & she clung to me.

My parents are both long since dead now. And I managed to keep my mental health struggles under wraps until after they were gone. I never shared with them anything that was going on with me mental-health-wise. (I really still don't understand it myself.) It would have been pointless anyway even if I could have done it. They would have had no idea how to even respond. So I'm sure they died believing that they had been really good parents & I was the most ungrateful SOB that ever soiled the earth.

All I can say is you have to do what you have to do to take care of yourself. It may be sad. But that's just the way it is...

Thanks. I know blaming parents doesn't help me getting better. It actually makes me feel worse, because I live alone with my own thoughts, and I always remember those painful moments and I get angry and irritated. I just cannot help it. I sometimes talk to myself and argue with them in my head. I feel that I'm losing my mind. I'm sure they tried their best, but hurting a child is the worst thing, because the way a child is treated will most likely determine his/her view of life. Sometimes I feel bad because they are old now, but other times I feel angry and don't care very much.

[Thunder Bow]

It is good you live far away from them. Their anger and control issues had nothing to do with you personally. As an child you were an innocent victim. You have every right to be angry with them, after all you were abused badly. Do not let that anger turn inward at yourself. Therapy will help you work through these feelings. Your parents had some issues that had nothing to do with you.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by Lonely Warrior

Thanks. I know blaming parents doesn't help me getting better. It actually makes me feel worse, because I live alone with my own thoughts, and I always remember those painful moments and I get angry and irritated. I just cannot help it. I sometimes talk to myself and argue with them in my head. I feel that I'm losing my mind. I'm sure they tried their best, but hurting a child is the worst thing, because the way a child is treated will most likely determine his/her view of life. Sometimes I feel bad because they are old now, but other times I feel angry and don't care very much.

Mine is a similar experience. But you don't have to "blame" or condemn them to realize that they really did do those things, and those things really did harm you. I also have not fully recovered from what they did -- it is for me an ongoing battle, but I found you can learn from it and improve.

[leejosepho]

I was in my 30s when one of my dad's friends explained to me some things about him, and without ever trying to defend or justify any of the things he had ever or not said or done. I doubt anyone's criticism of my dad (including my own) has ever escaped him, and I am quite convinced he is incapable of ever truly digging into all of that to take a real look of his own. I have tried looking back even farther to see what might have been his own case as a child, but the best I have ever actually been able to do for my own sake and for the sake of my own children and grandchildren is to listen to what people with healthy families and lives have to say and to share...and I will spend the remainder of my life trying to learn from those people in place of anything else and trying to put those things into practice in place of however the negative effects of my childhood had left me.

I think it sounds like you are processing the effects your upbringing has had on you and who you are now. It is painful for you, but I feel this can be an important part of progress.

As parents we are imperfect and will get things wrong sometimes, my own parents were not as severe as yours but there were aspects of my upbringing which I did not fully realise had impacted on how I was until I was in my 40s. This thread is not about me so I won't go into details but I will say I broadly speaking have processed that now and have a better relationship with my parents because of it, I can 'stand back' from their behaviours and have forgiven them in my mind for the mistakes they made with me. I feel at peace with this now.

I do dispute the failure label, and I wonder how much of this is your father's voice inside you. By whose standards are you judging yourself? Maybe it's time to reassess those standards as an independent adult.

You are an independent person, successfully supporting yourself in a country which is not your native one. I see so much strength in that sentence, will you allow yourself to see it too?

[MickeyCheeky]

Don't feel guilty about it.. it's good that you're away from them now.. hope things will work out

Originally Posted by prefabsprout

...

I do dispute the failure label, and I wonder how much of this is your father's voice inside you. By whose standards are you judging yourself? ...

Actually, my father thinks I'm successful. He sometimes feels that I'm not happy or depressed, and begins counting the things I achieved. Yet, I still see myself as a failure. I'm not sure what your standards are, but for me not having friends, not being able to talk to ladies, and not participating in activities, are all signs of failure to me. I think people respect me as long as I'm hiding. But no matter what education or job I have, without a social life, nothing has a meaning.

I agree with you about parents making mistakes, but I think my parents, despite their best intentions, caused a permanent damage to my personality. I grew up fearing criticism, because my father didn't spare it. No wonder why I'm afraid talking to people. In my mind, the first thought comes to me is that he/she will criticize me.

I don't think my life has been meaningful at any point. I don't even have memories to cherish. I don't remember one beautiful day in my life. I didn't even attend my graduation convocations because I feared being around people. When I had the chance, I hid.

I only eat, drink, work, and sleep, all alone, and I don't even do any of them as I should. This is my life. If this isn't failure, I wonder what it is?

[emgreen]

The older I get, the more I understand my parents & try to see things from their perspectives. My father, especially, was hyper-critical & emotionally abusive. Having learned about his childhood (he's the adult child of an alcoholic) he's talked sparingly about some of the humiliating situations he suffered as a child - & folks often parent in much the same manner in which they were raised. He's also expressed how miserable he was working at his job & how weekly swing shifts affected him (he's retired now). Now that both he & I are older, I think I realize parents are human, too. I once resented my father greatly, but I've grown to understand him better as life has kicked me in the butt more than a few times. Let's face it...There are some forms of abuse that can never be forgiven or forgotten; but parents, like all of us, have feet of clay, too.

[nicoleflynn]

Writing a letter of "restorative justice" might help...restorative justice says....this is what you did; this is how it made me feel. I think it is empowering.

I had an abusive mother and vowed to break the cycle of abuse, and I did. I have 2 children and kept that vow. Life is all about choices.

You can stop the "heated arguments." They go nowhere, and abusers rarely apologize. You can decide what you want to do with your life. A book that was helpful to me, is "Boundaries" by Townsend and Cloud.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by Lonely Warrior

I only eat, drink, work, and sleep, all alone, and I don't even do any of them as I should. This is my life. If this isn't failure, I wonder what it is?

But you are on Psych Central now, and have a chance (I think) to learn and to progress.

I echo pachyderm, and would like to add I have noticed you have opened up gradually in the time you have been here.

You write of how you fear criticism, many of us do, most people do not understand how to give contructive criticism so it is hardly surprising we tend to view criticism as negative rather than something we can use to build from.

Do you find it hard to accept compliments and praise by any chance? Are these perhaps strange and unsettling for you?

this is actually quite a sensitive topic for me, but I wanted to respond

their is a lot I blame my parents for.

my upbringing (they could have chosen to be loving if they wanted to, but didn't)

the abuse

the abandonment

I don't think it's right though to blame them for everything.

I mean we've not spoken in 12 years and my life's still a **** up

i've got more issues than a waiting room,full of patients, i'm depressed and suicidal, and i'm unsure of where I want my life to go.

that's not my parents fault... that's not anyone's fault

so maybe it was my families fault they decide to shut me out rather than help me, but the fact remains you just don't know what caused some of the stuff that's going on

and I certainly can't blame them for the physical problems I have, they didn't tell me to binge on all that food, for example, and they didn't tell me to harm myself (well they encouraged it, but it wasn't like they told me to start it)

I don't blame my parents for my physical health. I know I don't eat healthy or exercise or drink enough water. These are my decisions. But I think parents have a great influence in programming their children's minds. My responsibility is to change this programming, but it's not easy.

I would have chosen personality over education and wealth, because I feel I have no respect whatsoever in the world. While others with less education and money have respect, friends, and girlfriends, and they enjoy their times. Education and money aren't everything. They don't buy happiness and genuine respect. My father has this twisted view that money buys respect and happiness. Maybe because he was raised poor, but I wasn't raised poor, and education and money don't mean anything to me.

This forum has been a place for me to write my thoughts and feelings, but I haven't learned or progressed a bit since I first signed up more than a couple of years ago. This doesn't mean I feel better when I write, but sometimes I feel I need to say something, and I have no one to talk to, so I come here and write.

Do I like being praised and complimented? No actually I don't, and I don't search for it, because I think people are hypocrite when praising me when I do something good, while when I'm in a bad situation and depressed no one asks about me.

Originally Posted by Lonely Warrior

I don't blame my parents for my physical health. I know I don't eat healthy or exercise or drink enough water. These are my decisions. But I think parents have a great influence in programming their children's minds. My responsibility is to change this programming, but it's not easy.

I would have chosen personality over education and wealth, because I feel I have no respect whatsoever in the world. While others with less education and money have respect, friends, and girlfriends, and they enjoy their times. Education and money aren't everything. They don't buy happiness and genuine respect. My father has this twisted view that money buys respect and happiness. Maybe because he was raised poor, but I wasn't raised poor, and education and money don't mean anything to me.

This forum has been a place for me to write my thoughts and feelings, but I haven't learned or progressed a bit since I first signed up more than a couple of years ago. This doesn't mean I feel better when I write, but sometimes I feel I need to say something, and I have no one to talk to, so I come here and write.

Do I like being praised and complimented? No actually I don't, and I don't search for it, because I think people are hypocrite when praising me when I do something good, while when I'm in a bad situation and depressed no one asks about me.

I had thought you might say you didn't like being praised or complimented. I'm reading that you feel people don't care about you because they don't ask about you when you are depressed, so it's hypocritical of them to praise you at other times as you feel they don't really care and their praise is false.

Do you confide in many people about your depression? I mean people other than your parents.

You have developed very different values from your family of origin, but you understand the likely reasons why your parents have the values they have. You understand the values you grew up with are not helping you achieve what you want to achieve = respect, happiness, relationships and you want to change that programming but it's hard. Yes, it must be hard, and if just writing here and expressing that is part of how you deal with this then that is good.

Lastly you feel like you have made no progress here. From my perspective you have more recently described in greater detail about your thoughts and feelings, it appears as progress to me, I appreciate your perspective may differ however.

I don't because I have no one in my life. Even if I had, I wouldn't want to say anything about my situation. I wouldn't feel good about myself. What I'm asking for is, when I try to reach out, for people to be more accepting. Several times I tried to contact people I knew from school or work to go out to break the cycle, and the answer has always been "no". I'm not sure why. Maybe they think I'm not interesting or fun, which is true. And of course when I don't text anyone, no one texts me, because I always have to initiate things. That's why I don't want people to praise me and contact me if I do something good, because they don't care about me as a person.

Originally Posted by Lonely Warrior

I don't because I have no one in my life. Even if I had, I wouldn't want to say anything about my situation. I wouldn't feel good about myself. What I'm asking for is, when I try to reach out, for people to be more accepting. Several times I tried to contact people I knew from school or work to go out, and the answer has always been "no". I'm not sure why. Maybe they think I'm not interesting or fun, which is true. And of course when I don't text anyone, no one texts me, because I always have to initiate things. That's why I don't want people to praise me and contact me if I do something good, because they don't care about me.

That must be hard, I get that, I've been there too. Sometimes finding the right people for us, our 'tribe', is not easy. Especially if we are not standard, or a little off-beat (not that I'm saying you are but I know I am).

May I ask what your definition of interesting and fun is?

Not being awkward, holding a casual conversation without saying stupid things, telling jokes, ... etc, i.e., being normal. I will give an example, I recently attended a professional gathering, and there was someone I contacted by email before (he was higher in rank). So, I approached him to talk to him, and just in 5 seconds, he became not interested, and began talking to someone else. So, I left without saying a word. It happened to me on a similar gathering 3 years ago, too. I felt so bad about myself that I didn't go the next day, and my view of myself (as a failure) and people (as hypocrites) was reinforced.

It's not that I want to be popular and people's person, but I feel I'm not living my life; it's just passing of time with no good experiences. Also, my professional life could've been much better if I could network with people, but I really don't care about getting better jobs now, because what's the point if I have no social life, and spend my time alone? However, I cannot even find a new job since I'm finishing the current one soon, and this is my biggest concern now, job-wise. It also has to do with not being social and not having a network of people.

I think people underestimate how being social is very important in life (because the majority are), and how people like me who lack social skills suffer a lot, and get very little in life, if any. Being social even at work is more important than being expert and experienced, even managers say this. However, since the majority are social, they don't seem to sympathize or even understand this. They will receive you ONLY if you change, and this is exactly where hypocrisy comes from for me; only if you have something to give, then you have a value, otherwise, you are nothing. This is the world we live in.

[Lost_in_the_woods]

(((HUGS ))) this thread make me cry...

Oh I understand, yes being socially skilled is highly valued in our society. I would say there are no text books to teach us how but of course there are, whether they help or not is another matter.

Your instinct that he walked away because you were awkward may or may not be true (always tricky to assume what goes on in others heads), but if you were right that makes him a rather impatient person.

Social skills are such a broad topic, I can tell you what my techniques are - my fallback plan is always to show an interest in the person I am talking to. Most people love talking about themselves so I have found this works quite well - they don't seem bothered I'm not cracking jokes (I have humour but usually only with those I'm close to).

Treating the whole social behaviour scene around you as an experiment or a game may be one way to tackle it. Watch, observe, mirror (another good technique). You are a bright and able man who I believe can turn his mind to anything. Don't be discouraged by any mistakes, try to treat them as a learning curve, be kind to yourself, start small (serving staff in cafes can be good place to experiment as those interactions are of no real consequence)

You did not grow up with good role models for social interactions, your parents were unable to teach you that. But you can learn your own ways - this will be just you, you may have to battle inner voices which try to deter you and overriding those will also be a challenge, remember progress may be small but it is always worth celebrating small victories. I am rooting for you.