[Ygrec23]

Most of us have good qualities. Capacities. Talents. Things we can and should use to build ourselves an interesting and satisfying life. So do I. In spades. But I never used them. Never used them because I spent ALL my life in outer space. And now, when all the shouting is over, when things have died down, when I'm pretty close to three score and ten, with help from my T I'm getting back to earth, with the natural but terribly unhappy realization of what I could have done but didn't do. Maybe I have five or ten years left, if I'm lucky (based on family lifetimes). I know I can use that five or ten years very effectively, and I will. But that just doesn't make up for all the lost time. How do you come to terms with that? I knew something was really wrong a long, long time ago. I asked for help, over and over. And I didn't get it. And I blew the whole thing. And now, when by all rights I should be a grandfather, I get to wake up a little. To see my tiny future, and my tortured, wasted past. The scenes of Japanese devastation in the past couple of days seem familiar to me, as do the black and white photographs of ruins in one of my albums. How do you overcome that kind of regret? That depth of regret? That overwhelming regret? A tsunami of regret, bitterness, sadness and loss. Any of you other seniors out there have to deal with this? Or something like it?

[sabby]

((((((((( Ygrec )))))))))

I think many of us go through things like this. Looking back at our lives and seeing where we screwed up and what we should have done to be responsible etc etc. Many of us have twinges of regret, but we have to put it all into perspective so that it doesn't eat away at us and cause us to kick ourselves.

Don't forget that hindsight is 20/20. What you now know, you may not have known then, so you could not apply that knowledge then as you didn't have it. I like to think that everything we go through in life is a lesson to be learned for future experiences. Sometimes it takes us many years to learn lessons, but that certainly doesn't mean that we were a total waste back in the day. It means we had more work to do in order to put all the knowledge pieces together to create a recognizable reality.

We also change our ways of thinking as we age. What was important to us when we were in our 20's changes in our 30's and even more so in our 40's and on up.

I hope you don't think I'm trivializing what you are going through. I certainly validate your thoughts and feelings. As one who has gone through this before, I realized after awhile that feeling so much regret over times that were seemingly done wrong or under-corrected didn't allow me to move forward to a place more comfortable and to a place where I could work towards feeling better about myself. I hope that you can find that place very soon!

[lynn P.]

I know a little how you feel about regrets. I regret not finishing university and came to realize lately I would love to be a doctor/psychologist. At the same it doesn't do any good to have regrets about the past. I also believe that we're exactly where we're supposed to be, even if we're suffering - our journey is planned out for a reason. It's better to have this light bulb moment even if you're in the winter of your life....better than never having it at all.

[wanttoheal]

Wow, do I relate. I wish I had the answers, but I understand how you feel.

[sandee8387]

I believe that God can take the ashes of our lives and create beauty. . . always.

[Ygrec23]

I think many of us go through things like this. Looking back at our lives and seeing where we screwed up and what we should have done to be responsible etc etc. Many of us have twinges of regret, but we have to put it all into perspective so that it doesn't eat away at us and cause us to kick ourselves.

You're quite right, sabby, as far as you go. But I'm not talking about "where I screwed up" or "twinges of regret." I was trained, as a baby, to stay as far away from reality as is humanly possible without death occurring, and I stuck with it, all my life. No real pleasure. No real human relationships. No real achievement. But, oh yes! very high IQ. As if that means a thing if you can't use it. Everything, entirely, was all screwed up. And "twinges" doesn't quite measure up to the full-blown tidal waves I live with every day.

Don't forget that hindsight is 20/20. What you now know, you may not have known then, so you could not apply that knowledge then as you didn't have it. I like to think that everything we go through in life is a lesson to be learned for future experiences. Sometimes it takes us many years to learn lessons, but that certainly doesn't mean that we were a total waste back in the day. It means we had more work to do in order to put all the knowledge pieces together to create a recognizable reality.

I knew NOTHING then. But, to me, that's not the point. To me, the point is that almost every single other person in the world knows what I don't know. It's all common knowledge. I feel very related to ghetto teenagers who get guns and rob convenience stores out of sheer desperate rage at not knowing how to get what they want in a legal way. Do you know what it feels like to be shut out in that way?

We also change our ways of thinking as we age. What was important to us when we were in our 20's changes in our 30's and even more so in our 40's and on up.

What you say is, of course, true. But as I've found, and I'm sure you have too, there is a very large part of ourselves that does not change, that remains fixed for life. In therapy, I may (just may, since I'm not sure) find out how to deal with people like normal people do. But I assure you that if and when I translate that kind of insight into action, then, when compared with the real thing, the normal understandings that normal people have, my new insight in its workings could be compared with a medieval crutch used by medieval cripples. No comparison with reality. No comparison at all.

I hope you don't think I'm trivializing what you are going through. I certainly validate your thoughts and feelings. As one who has gone through this before, I realized after awhile that feeling so much regret over times that were seemingly done wrong or under-corrected didn't allow me to move forward to a place more comfortable and to a place where I could work towards feeling better about myself. I hope that you can find that place very soon!

Of course you're not trivializing what I'm going through. And I much appreciate your comparing my situation with feelings and reactions you yourself have had. I certainly do not feel this way all day, and would love to find a "more comfortable" place. I just have doubts about that "soon." Take care!

[KathyM]

Hi Ygrec

My favorite line from the movie "No Country for Old Men" is: "If the rule you followed brought you to this, of what use was the rule?"

There may be a lot of dust on your path/in your past, but you survived and you have a better understanding of life. Hopefully, this can serve to make you feel more grateful for life and make the most of what you have now. It doesn't do anyone any good to remain stuck for any length of time in moments from the past. I don't think I've ever met anyone who successfully made up for the past. You can make amends and changes now, but it will never change your past.

The fantasy dream of "having it all" is just that - a fantasy - because you can't take any of that stuff with you. In the long term, it probably won't matter what you did/earned/collected in life, (I'm talking centuries from now), lol.

What matters is your journey, and your journey is uniquely your own - your very own personalized roller coaster. Your twists, dips, and deep dark tunnels may have been more intense than others - but you still have the chance to throw up your arms and enjoy the rest of the ride with appropriate caution.

I don't think any of us will win any type of trophy or award when it's over - but who would really want to miss the full experience of life? If there is an afterlife, wouldn't you want to be able to tell the complete story of your life from beginning to end?

As long as you don't burn yourself out, strive to give it your all each and every day from this day forward. It's all any of us can do. If we fall short, we might be given another day to try again.

Hang in there. Maybe one day we'll be able to swap our extreme adventure stories from the other side.

[lynn P.]

Excellent post ((KathyM)) and here I thought I was good lol. Ygrec - you're obviously very smart and can write well. How does writing a book sound? You can also share what you learned with others, which is rewarding. What have you learned and what would you say to others, in order to help them not make mistakes? From what you've written it sounds like you've been in an emotional prison, never being able to experience the full uninhibited joys.

[sabby]

You're quite right, sabby, as far as you go. But I'm not talking about "where I screwed up" or "twinges of regret." I was trained, as a baby, to stay as far away from reality as is humanly possible without death occurring, and I stuck with it, all my life. No real pleasure. No real human relationships. No real achievement. But, oh yes! very high IQ. As if that means a thing if you can't use it. Everything, entirely, was all screwed up. And "twinges" doesn't quite measure up to the full-blown tidal waves I live with every day.

Then you must understand that as a baby/child and even into adulthood, you had no choice but to live by what you were taught. That certainly doesn't put the responsibility on you for the dysfunction that was inflicted. Your responsibility for yourself comes from learning different things over the years. Applying what you have learned, whether it is from real life or from sitting in your T's office, that's where the responsibility lies. It sounds like you are taking that responsibility and trying to work through the emotions that come with your new found realizations.

Y, your life is not yet over. You have not blown it. You still live and breathe and exist on this planet.....hence....you still have a chance to find some healing and better mental health. By all means, fight through the emotions you are feeling....possibly a huge amount of anger (make sure it's directed to the proper places and not all on yourself), sadness for what you feel you missed out on all these years, maybe even some apathy as well. It's all okay. These are your emotions and you have a right to them. But please, don't let yourself dwell in those places for too long. You have work to do for yourself and dwelling in the negative keeps you from your appointed rounds

I'm okay and you're okay......we're all gonna be okay

[mgran]

I think most people approaching the end of their lives are filled with regret. I've known many elderly people, both in homes, or at home with family, and there's something about approaching the end that wakens regret and fear.

Today I've been feeling as though I've made a ruin of my life, but I know I'm much younger than you, and might yet pull myself together. It feels though as if everything is a struggle, and all I try to build is built from sand. The tide's coming in, and the sun's going down, and all I've been doing with my life is building a kid's fort.

But as Sandee says, God can find beauty in ashes.

[(JD)]

Few, if any, people live their whole life in a worthwhile phase. While we may have lost what we wish we hadn't when we were younger (youth is wasted on the young) all is not lost.

Each turn in the path is a new beginning. Each day brings a clean slate to upon which to write. As adults we do get to make new decisions and if something isn't working for us, we can change it, if we aren't too afraid.

Make a bucket list. I made one years ago, and have upgraded it from time to time (and it's time again I think)... it helped me to realize what was important in my life---and more importantly what was not important and is in my life!

I recently read here at PC in the Question of the Month about 3 wishes from a genie...and read the whole thread (which is unusual for me) ... and realized that so many of the wishes listed were obtainable, and I hoped they realized that and didn't just sit wishing but went to work on making it happen.

You sound depressed though. The lies depression tells us heaps coals on the fires you're building... what was life, was it worth it, is it worth giving anything else to, feelings that I can't change it why bother.... none of that is worth thinking! Life IS. What we do with it becomes our LIFE.



You've made a few cognitive distortions...the whole world doesn't know what you don't...your life isn't over... those types of thinkings. Rekindle your marriage...date again...start over with new plans! Smile more (and belch, burp, scratch and pass gas at will. )

[Travelinglady]

Ditto to what the other people said, Ygrec. Your life Is NOT over until it's over. My parents reared me in such a way that I only could start living a somewhat normal life later on. And I am still learning. No, I will never be able to go back and have a normal childhood and particularly a normal time as a teenager, but I am still working on picking up from where they left off and making course corrections.

I know you have done a lot of good in your life in other ways, and you did the best you could at the time. And you are doing a lot of good here. To some extent, you just didn't get the chance to learn people skills. We all know how intelligent you are, so I expect you might even move along more quickly than some people could in this learning process. It isn't easy, but please don't give up! You are a very valuable person and have much more that you can accomplish in the future.

[lastyearisblank]

You do sound a bit depressed Ygrec. Your life is not over! Personally when I read your posts I do feel that you are someone with the ability to connect.

Have you ever read/seen the Remains of the Day (the movie is with Anthony Hopkins?) I am planning to revisit it myself soon as I think the message is a good one- life is not really over until it's over.

PS Thanks for this:

I don't think I've ever met anyone who successfully made up for the past.

I really loved that!

[Can't Stop Crying]

I am too filled with thoughts of what I should have done and what I missed out on. I know I can't change the past, but I can change what I do in the future. Whether it's one day or a hundred years, I have to consciously make myself believe that I can improve. Someone told me it's not the journey, but the destination that matters! That gives me a little hope.

[madisgram]

my T told me after remarking many times, i wish..., etc. he replied, if wishing was so, you'd be the happiest person in the world.

yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, we only have today.

i do understand your regrets, ygrec, altho i see life differently than you. it's like i see the glass half full and not half empty.

i believe our past does mold us in how we become. the formative years, 1-6, are vitally important to developing a healthy person for the most part. but we can change and reinvent ourselves at any crossroad.

i know you struggle but you are doing the footwork to a better understanding of life. i used to say, i didn't do life well. and i didn't. i've found new ways and skills in therapy and AA that have improved my understanding of what this is all about. had a huge onion to peel but it was worth it, even the pain i've gone thru to get to the next peeling cause i grow. i wish you the same on your own life's journey. it's when we quit trying that we get stuck in the mire. for those of us that were blessed with higher IQ's it can be a curse if we let it. over analyzing, complicating things. i've struggled to simplify, simplify. i've gotten better by understanding that i benefit from simplifying my thoughts and how i express myself.

each day is a new beginning. you're still "here" so that gives you promise. no point in looking back. you can't change the past. you can only live in today. make each day count. live your life now to the fullest. you can find joy in that if you look for it.

[Perna]

I "wasted" ages 10-32ish being in outer space and even had my long-time therapist express regret for me but I don't see it that way. You could not have gotten to "here" if you had not done what you did. You did marvelously, Ygrec! You got "here".

Sure, all of us could have made different choices then/now but that's only if we had been different people and we weren't! Why didn't you become a rocket scientist or millionaire, you fool?! I could have had children and then maybe I would have felt different, been less lonely or felt more fulfilled? There are unlimited ways things could have gone, if we'd only. . . but that's no better than my anxious worries for the future, I can't know the future and you and I can't know what "could" have been other than in our imaginations, because it wasn't what happened!

I graduated college in 1972 with the "wrong" major (which I finally got a second degree in in 2007). Your life isn't over yet and there are lots of things you can still do if you want. But you probably don't want to because you have done and been someone else all this time! You could still "grandfather" children, there are zillions of children that would love a grandfather-figure.

But you were "doing" things when you were in outer space and I don't think what you became with the help of that time is wasted. Outer space required that I have a really good imagination. I believe I write well/better than I would if I hadn't been in outer space, hadn't had to "use" my imagination, creativity, courage and other abilities to keep myself together during that period? Were you a literal vegetable? Did you and yours go hungry or not have a place to live or a "life" because of your actions during that time? Were you wholly dependent on others and could you have done it any other way than you did but decided not to because the way you "wasted" your time was easier and you were lazy? No!

I don't think your life was a waste Ygrec, I'm selfishly glad you had the life you had that brought you here to us at this time.

[Ygrec23]

Originally Posted by sabby

Then you must understand that as a baby/child and even into adulthood, you had no choice but to live by what you were taught. That certainly doesn't put the responsibility on you for the dysfunction that was inflicted. Your responsibility for yourself comes from learning different things over the years. Applying what you have learned, whether it is from real life or from sitting in your T's office, that's where the responsibility lies. It sounds like you are taking that responsibility and trying to work through the emotions that come with your new found realizations.

Ah, but I haven't learned a thing "over the years," except during the last six months with T. And what I have learned is what I do not have, have not ever had: a natural knowledge, normally absorbed by a baby in its first two or three years of life, a knowledge of how people work and how to relate to them. And I don't think I will ever have this knowledge, that one cannot absorb it this far on in life except possibly with a full five day a week psychoanalysis. And that lack means that people will always steer away from me, there being something strange about me they can't put their finger on. Human relationships are a dance, a set of non-verbal interchanges, dance figures involving facial expressions, body language, voice tones and exchange rhythms. If you can't do the dance, people are unconsciously wary of you. They don't know why in most cases, or they make things up to describe it (none of which is accurate). And so I'm outside humanity, as if I were a Martian.

Y, your life is not yet over. You have not blown it. You still live and breathe and exist on this planet.....hence....you still have a chance to find some healing and better mental health. By all means, fight through the emotions you are feeling....possibly a huge amount of anger (make sure it's directed to the proper places and not all on yourself), sadness for what you feel you missed out on all these years, maybe even some apathy as well. It's all okay. These are your emotions and you have a right to them. But please, don't let yourself dwell in those places for too long. You have work to do for yourself and dwelling in the negative keeps you from your appointed rounds

A very huge amount of anger, with which I'm only now getting in touch (anger wasn't permitted in my family). Yes, my appointed rounds. Whatever they may be. Oh my.

I'm okay and you're okay......we're all gonna be okay

Take care!

[sittingatwatersedge]

Ygrec, if you will accept a word from me?

when I was in my 20s I heard someone say that her real life had not started yet. I thought, gee, that's me too.
I remembered it in my 30s. And in my 40s. When my 50s arrived, it occurred to me that my real life had started long ago, but still it was seven more years till I got into therapy and began to understand what really was. I would not trade these last three years of enlightenment for anything I can think of.

If "the unexamined life is not worth living", how very much worth living is the examined life Ygrec - and you have that great accomplishment to your credit. You are so rich compared to the poor ones who go in circles still, saying that their real life hasn't started yet.

One thing that I find reduces the sense of time lost, is to do what you can, with the people put before you in your daily life, to bring light to those still going in circles. It is a beautiful thing to see how the human mind can be awakened by a chance remark, a small kindness, a steadfast example. It is within reach every day. and ten to fifteen years of those kinds of gift-giving, day by day - well that's a blessed thought in the darker hours. Not pride - just relief and gratitude to be allowed to try.

I read once that when we die, we just gather together the tangled skeins of our lives, sort of ball them up, and hand them over, saying, well, here - this is as far as I can get. It's like that for all of us I am convinced, the saint as well as the sinner, the great and the ordinary. And you know what? it's okay. this is for you

[pachyderm]

Yesterday is past. We have only today and tomorrow now. Still a little time to make it better. Making it better may include understanding the past more so we know what to do now, but whatever time is left, is still there. Do you have a real choice?

[Ygrec23]

Originally Posted by lastyearisblank

You do sound a bit depressed Ygrec. Your life is not over! Personally when I read your posts I do feel that you are someone with the ability to connect.

Yes, last, I think I can connect in writing, but not in person. I truly believe that my image here on PC is quite distorted as compared with real, three-dimensional life. Here, I think we get to the point much more quickly than is done in real life, forced to do so by the entirely written nature of communication here. IRL, before we get to the point, we unconsciously perform all kinds of non-verbal mutual assurance behaviors, and those are the things I don't know how to do. Although I must say that with me at least this does happen with some frequency even when I'm writing IRL. The best way I have of never hearing from an RL friend again is to write them a letter. Don't ask me why. They NEVER write back. Or even call. Do I have leprosy? Bad breath? Body odor? Of course not, so the answer has to be not knowing how to form and encourage and cultivate human relationships.

And keep in mind that one of the terribly important things I didn't learn as a baby was that I have value in myself as a person. I learned I did not have such value and always had to try to do and say things to evoke positive responses from other people starting with my mother (i.e., "tap-dancing," "performances"). In other words, I'm needy. And, of course, people sense that and automatically, without thinking, wander on to the next person who isn't going, even unconsciously, to ask for reassurance.

Take care, and thank you very much!

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by Ygrec23

In other words, I'm needy. And, of course, people sense that and automatically, without thinking, wander on to the next person who isn't going, even unconsciously, to ask for reassurance.

Painful, isn't it?

[Ygrec23]

Pach said: Yesterday is past. We have only today and tomorrow now. Still a little time to make it better. Making it better may include understanding the past more so we know what to do now, but whatever time is left, is still there. Do you have a real choice?

Of course there is no choice. For me or anyone else. But I will say that the combination of limited time, some degree of hopelessness and a reasonable quantity of despair force me, for pleasure, to do very unhealthy things while knowing full well how bad they are. Eating bad things, smoking cigarettes, drinking large quantities of booze, being as sedentary as can be. Those are the pleasures that are open to me, even though the price of cigarettes is outrageous. I can't go out and volunteer since I first have to find some kind of job, even perhaps in a supermarket, to be able to pay back all the people I've borrowed money from. I'd like to volunteer at the senior center. That would give me pleasure. I just have to use all my time at present trying to find a job, which I haven't yet succeeded in doing. And yes, T and I are, of course, working on "making it better." And succeeding, slowly. And that's all I can do, I think. If you have other ideas of what can be done, let me know. Take care!

[Ygrec23]

Originally Posted by pachyderm

Painful, isn't it?

Sounds like you know whereof I speak, Pach.

[Ygrec23]

Payne1 said: Ditto to what the other people said, Ygrec. Your life Is NOT over until it's over. My parents reared me in such a way that I only could start living a somewhat normal life later on. And I am still learning. No, I will never be able to go back and have a normal childhood and particularly a normal time as a teenager, but I am still working on picking up from where they left off and making course corrections.

You said "I only could start living a somewhat normal life later on." Well, I can't even say that. My family life was sufficiently strange as to prevent me from ever living a "somewhat normal life." Now, with T, I may have some chance at it, though I'm not sure. The only thing I'm sure about is that with T's help I'll at least understand what went wrong and how to deal with the suppressed emotions.

I know you have done a lot of good in your life in other ways, and you did the best you could at the time. And you are doing a lot of good here. To some extent, you just didn't get the chance to learn people skills.

And that best was miserable, I assure you. I'm glad you think I'm doing good here. And you're right about people skills. But people skills are fundamental. It really doesn't matter how smart you are if you have good people skills.

Take care!

[Ygrec23]

And then there's the only too real possibility that I emphasize and focus intently on the negatives in order to avoid coming to terms with the real anger, the real sadness, the real loneliness. I have all kinds of IRL stuff pending at the moment that gives me colorable reasons not to summon up the anger, the sadness and the loneliness hidden away in the deepest dungeons of my mind. There are so many wonderful ways of avoiding doing what you have to do. And at that, I must confess, I'm a master. A master with a lifetime of coloratura performances in the avoidance line going all the way back to my crib. Hmmm. You are all really, really good people. Sharing with me your real thoughts and concerns about my situation. And all because you too have had to battle your way through years and lifetimes of different kinds of misery. Thank you. Really. No kidding. From the heart. You're my people, my real people. The kind of people that no IRL person could ever be, except if they too are PC members. A new family. I love you all. Take care.