ANGRY at this burocratic socity

I am so frustrated & ANGRY. As many of you know, I have been having problems dealing with all the thoughts & issues around my Mothers death a year ago January & all the ID theft that occured. My mind just can't seem to stop these thoughts from coming through & seeing my Mother quickly die from her cancer without any support from any Dr's (who denied the whole thing) & the other Dr's who thought I was crazy when I caught the RN doing the ID theft.

My psychologist had a great idea of my going to a partial program at a hospital 3 days a week that is about 1 hour from where I live. After getting into 2 rear end auto accidents within 1/2 hour of each on my way home the first day when my emotions really messed me up, I just can't get back into my car & drive because I just don't feel safe (& it wasn't even taking meds then) It was from the stress & where my mind wasafter several intense groups for me) I don't even remember hitting either car but I did. I just couldn't drive so we decided that staying at my Mothers home the night before I went to the program, they could pick me up with their van.

I decided to try that & have my husband stay in the house with me at night because of all the horrible things that go through my mind when I stay there by myself. The last 5 days of being in the house with my Mother & the RN that I caught doing the ID theft just freaked my mind out so I couldn't stay alone & besides, my husband needed to drive me down there so the van could pick me up.

Well anyway, the therapy really opened up some really horrible issues I have going on inside & it was so intense I would end up physically & mentally sick at least 1 of the 3 days each week. I talked to my pdoc & he suggested that since I am now taking meds to stop my migraines that I might be able to take Cymbalta & wouldn't have any migraines. I took a whole one at 30mg which knocked me out for 48 hours. Then he suggested splitting it into 1/2 (Mind you, the med is a capsul.....just try to do that). Anyway, some days I didn't bother taking the cymbalta & when going through the 4 groups, I would get hit so hard emotionaly I just couldn't take it (like with the car accidents). I couldn't tell you where my mind was at. To top that off, the Cymbalta (even 1/2) started the migraines coming back even with my migraine narcotic & made me so sleepy I couldn't stay awake for any of the groups.

Great choices...either don't take the med & end up an emotional wreck or take the med & sleep through all the groups getting nothing out of the program (even taking the med early the night before didn't help). By last Friday I was so exhausted from all the emotional issues that were coming out & exhausted from all the going back & forth, & exhausted from taking the med.

By Sunday I talked it over with my psychologist & he told me I should take a week off & then one more week off to get back into the life style with my husband working again. He then suggested that I come back slowly into the program because I couldn't take the emotional issues that ended up dumping on me so hard so quickly. The hospitals system (driven my medicare) is set up so that if their program draws out too many emotional things too quickly for someone & it makes them an emotional wreck & you have to take meds to help you get through it but puts you to sleep it is ok because your body is there & they get money for that even though you are sleeping through it all & get nothing out of it....or you end up getting so emotionally messed up that all you can do is cry & fall apart at the hospital program then when I get home all I feel like doing is taking a bottle of meds to end the feelings completely.

I always end up being the square peg in a round hole. My needs never fit the box that everyone determines I have to be in

This time I am not mad at myself for being different....I am mad at the burocratic BS that everyone is trying to force me into. It's my life & I have the needs I have & that is just the way it is.

Well medicare & the jerks at the hospital who can't be flexible because of the paperwork told me that I couldn't do that anything for me. If I took the time off, I couldn't come back to the program for 30 days & then I couldn't come back slowly to meet my needs because medicare required it to be 3 days a week. I know the help was excellent, but way to emotional for everything that I am dealing with inside. The social worker I talked to about what I was going through told me that they would be glad to take me back after the 30 days at the 3 days a week. I told him where he could take his ....&#(^%..... 30 days & at the rate I am going I probably wouldn't be around in 30 days to even go back to his stupid program that can't accomodate the needs of the patients & only deal with their paperwork without any care for the needs of the patients. I didn't realize how messed up I was inside so that I couldn't even handle the issues at 3 days a week. I ended up way to emotionally exhausted at 3 days a week. Now that these things have been brought out I am in a horrible depression, so bad I can't even take care of my horses & chase my dogs away from me. All I do is lay under my blankets crying.

It has just reinforced my real thoughts about the mental health care in the United States. If you don't fit what their definitions are or you aren't what they think you have to be, you are just .....@:^%....out of luck. It has also reinforced my realization that if you can't help yourself, you are just out of luck & no one cares at all.

I am venting here & most of you may be able to get the help you need but again, I have always had needs that are different than others & because of that, no professional cares because they can't. Even my psychologist said he was sorry that I was just out of luck & that I would make myself better sooner of later. At this point, it is adding to my anorexia problems & I really don't care what happens to me....I haven't even been able to care for my horses & have no desire to take care of them either....which is really sad since I have a foal coming at any time.

All I want is my bed, my pillow & my warm blanket to hide under & a bunch of anything that will make it all go away. I am so exhausted & emotionally drained......my professionals can take their positive thinking & shove it. All I see is a repeat of the same circles i have been through before & I can't take it anymore.

Debbie

Hi. I am sorry you are hurting. Move over...cuz ya' got company. I can't believe that all of the trees are not dead due to the amt. of paperwork shoved down our throats. And social workers who don't really listen when we speak or answer their myriad of questions.

But you've got the responsibility of your horses. You can't let them down. Could you not use that as the drive needed to carry on?

I have a parrot. She is spoiled and needs a lot of undivided attention. Yesterday....she said, "what are ya'doin'."? I thought just how human animals are and that they care about us just as we care for them.

I hope that you will be able to pick yourself up and care for yourself and your lovely horses. Hang in there!

Deb, we all could use a few days under the covers crying. PLEASE find that force that will make you go to your horses. I personally question a group that had that affect. I also question if you need intensive outpatient counseling on a daily basis and case management. Then, there is always the option of hospitilization. Not one I like but It is better then dying. Please be safe. I am thinking about you.

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Even my psychologist said he was sorry that I was just out of luck & that I would make myself better sooner of later.

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I am speechless at that comment. Not only does it seem unprofessional but dangerous!!!

{{{{{Eskie}}}}}

I know well the hiding under blanket days...and days...and days....

But knowing I had dogs to feed and let out and now a cat to take care of *does* get me out of bed. Doesn't mean I stay out...but once I get going sometimes I do.

Something you said or alluded to made me think - when I am in a deep depression or anxiety - even though I know they have helped countless people, I want to throw the 12-steps and other self-help books out the window!!!

Keep talking to us...

I was in a partial program like that...very intense. I know the T's there didn't care how awful we were doing...at least that's how it seemed. And they always said it gets worse before it gets better. I know many times I ended up going home a complete mess and having to call 911 because I couldn't handle it.

Please try to hang in there. It is up to you whether you want to try something different, but maybe in time it will get easier.

(((eskie))) it aches my heart to read all this, and believe you have shared much of this with us at Psychcentral as it has happened... the sad part is there often is no answer for things in the past. It's difficult to have patience with something that doesn't work right when you seem to have no other choices.

Do the people in your life realize what is happening and how powerless you feel to fight it? Someone needs to get on the ball and advocate for you! I know how frustrating it is to try and do all this alone. I can't imagine having other people around, who don't seem to help.

It does seem overwhelming. First I would verify that that's what your psychologist said. Then I would make a list-because you can't do everything at once-and work on one item, either the easiest or the most important.

Maybe, a social worker at the hospital can help you pick through your list and to delegate?

((((((hugs))))) I'm at a loss right now. I'm sorry.

(( debbie )) I am so sorry I sometimes think they are just in it for the money that was very unprofessional of that psychologist
I have pets too as you know...most are special needs...you HAVE to go on for your pets...when they pass on then...IMO you can lay in bed and or.....you know...but for now....WE HAVE MILES TO GO BEFORE WE SLEEP....they need you..Take good care of you and DO lay in bed watch tv read and cry...but also be there for your pets

{{{{{{{{{{{{Debbie}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Hun, I'm so sorry you're still going through this crap! Wish there was something I could do or say, but all I know is that it takes time. A lot of it could be mouring for your mom and for all the other losses you suffered.

Prayers going your way.

((((((((((((( Debbie ))))))))))))))))))))

I am so sorry you are going through this. I wish there was something 3D I could do for you but know that my thoughts and prayers are with you. I hope you feel better soon.

Hugs,

Jan

debbie, i'm sorry that all of this crap has come down on you. just try taking one tiny hour at a time and forget about worrying about the next issue. i know it's hard, but it helps. remember we're all pulling for you. love, pat

(((((((Debbie))))))

Eski,

Wow, I'm sorry I haven't been keeping up around here, I didn't know you had gone through all that. Please take care of yourself, I don't know what I can do but I hope you know I care about you. I agree with you so much there is something very rotten in mental healthcare and healthcare and just care in general in this country.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((eski)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))


Hugs ~ Down

Things aren't any better & the blankets are seeming even better. I am doing less & less just can't even push myself anymore & the worst part is that I know that "nobody can help me except me". After I talked to the social worker that was supposed to be the one assigned to me & gave me all of that 30 day BS junk, I gave the director of the program a call & left a message telling her that I wanted her to call me back with my files in front of her face (which were brobably alrealy thrown out). I never heard anything from her. Then last weekend I talked to my psychologist who suggested talking to the psychiatrist who is in charge of the program.....suggesting that because he is the brother-in-law of my own pdoc I would get some action & he told me that either of the 2 people I was trying to deal with would call me back. Well........It has already been another week & haven't heard a word.......if they think I will come crawling back on my knees to them after the 30 days .........boy do they have another think coming.

The program did more harm that good by opening up everything that can't be closed. I know on Thursday, I went to my pain specialist & stopped by the house. My husband has been doing a great job of getting things down...& laying them all over the place. I know I started going over some of the things. Big mistake still. There were glass ware things up in the cupboards that were covered nicely so that nothing would get dirty....glasses wrapped individually.....but do you think she care for her valuable things that well? Then I started looking at some photos.......oh the tears.....& the memories of when my Mother was alwasy telling me that she wasn't stupid & that I would realize when I grew up that she was smarter than I thought she was. It's very sad to say that her death just reinforced my thoughts of her being stupid.

Those were some of the issues the program brought out & I just can't seem to see her in any different light. I know that only I can put myself back together but for now.......I just can't seem to get out of bed. That is really sad because we actually had about 2 inches of snow all over our yards & my husband said my horses are really cute in the snow. Sure glad I didn't have a Feb foal....by April it will be much nicer & hopefully I will get my act back together by then.

Debbie

May you have a day of sunshine that entices you out to play in the rays.

Hello! I agree with you...however, I think our Society just sucks in General..with only a poor few...hopelessly, trying to live life without rubbing elbows with all that don't care that they suck canal water!

Dottie, you must be my inner synic. I try not to suck canal water.