[mssumom]

or at least to me is seems very real. I've written so many posts in the past week or so and always end up deleting them because I'm afraid of putting myself out here. Why I can't really tell you because I posted fairly often when I first joined the site some months ago but as I've pulled away from everything IRL to protect myself and I guess I have done that on here also. I'm sorry that I have because I know without any doubt that I get more out of reading how much you all care about each other that you are good people than I do from anything else. I have a problem feeling like I deserve to be around good people. Because I'm not one. I know that people who have read about my situation with my exhusband think it is a no brainer to pick up and get away from here.......fear is a powerful motivator. Yes in the past few months and including healing right now, I've a briuses, stitiches and broken bones and not alot of help from the local police or judicial system. I have taken steps to protect myself but in my current state of depression it may not end that way. And yes I do already know it is my fault that any of it happens because I make him angry and he says that no one can make him angry like I do and I bring it on myself......I'm trying to feel my way through the solution if it is a good one for me or everybody else or if they go hand in hand. I can do what will get everybody out of this and make them happy again.
Just yesterday I started a new experimental 6 week treatment with a drug called DMSO for my IC and in turn the Cardiologist who treated me after my heart attack in october is hoping it will work for the inflammation around my heart. He is increasingly concerned about my state of depression but he hopes the Celexa, xanax and etc, will get me "over the hurdle" he says........I took the depression quiz again just this morning because I'm going today to my second therapy appointment......89, the highest score yet since I first came to PC.......I'm pretty sure the goal is to have the number go down not up so once again I'm failing. Very little sleep again last night is probably not a good thing either.

Thanks for letting me ramble.......probably for the most part doesn't even make alot of sense and I'm sorry. Thanks for listening
Lori

i'm sorry that you're having a hard time right now. i hope that your heart problems subside and you do make it over this hurdle.

however, i don't see how it could be your fault that your husband abuses you. i hope you can find a way to work through those feelings and see that you do not deserve to be abused. pat

[lenjan]

((((((((Lori)))))))) It was brave of you to put this out here.

It is SO not your fault that your ex abuses you! That's part of the abuse, that he's made you believe that. I hope a good therapist (and those of us here) can help you see you ARE a good person and you DON'T deserve abuse.



Candy

[bebop]

NO ONE DESERVES TO BE HIT!! I have been there my friend and it isn't easy. the abuser makes you think you can't do any better. they beat down your self esteem so you will stay either with them or close to them. It took me just getting so sick and tired of it and just not feeling anything for him anymore for me to finally leave but I did and it was the best thing I could have ever done. what does the ER say when you go for your cuts and bruises and broken bones? do you tell them something else happened? I know I did. Tell them the truth!!!!! it has to be documented so something can be done before he kills you!! please stay safe!

[wisewoman]

I am glad you wrote here. I know that n your logical brain you know you do not deserve the abuse. But it isn't logical is it? You feel trapped and see no way out. Please reach out to those around you and agencies for battered woman to get some help. I am so sorry this is happening.

[DocJohn]

Lori, you are in our hearts and prayers this holiday season.......

((((((((Lori))))))))

[LadyDragus]

You are in my thoughts and paryers..

You do not deserve to be hit, no one does..

And it is a part of who that person is, do not let him win, I know that is easier said than done.. but trust me you will survive. adn we will all help you as much as we can.

This dragon can breath fire on someone if neeeded..

[January]

((((((((((((( Lori )))))))))))))

It is not your fault. It is never your fault.

Hugs,

Jan

[SeptemberMorn]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Lori}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

This is all I have to add... because everyone has already told you the truth. Please RE-read your responses, Sweety! It is NEVER your fault! He's controling you by making you believe it!

You are in my thoughts and prayers, Lori!!

[(JD)]

eeeeehhhh. wrong answer but thank you for playing. </font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
And yes I do already know it is my fault that any of it happens because I make him angry and he says that no one can make him angry like I do and I bring it on myself......

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

SORRY BUT I AM NOT BUYING IT. You are not responsible for someone else's improper and illegal actions. Even if you think you do act out,, there is NO excuse for becoming physically or mentally abusive towards anyone. If what you say or do makes someone else angry, then it's up to them to control themselves and not beat you up.

That's what abuse does to ppl..makes them think it's all their own fault... the abusers connive to make that happen too. Please contact your local Women in Distress, shelters, local churches that are large enough for community efforts and at least begin to listen to what options you do have. You don't have to just put up with this... you do need to make other plans... don't begin to say you can't just because you don't know how or what is needing to be done. That's what the experts can help you with. I'm sure you can find a link online to good information.

If nothing else, take my word for it ..and theirs... and believe that you need to make changes, and you can...for your own best interest.

[mssumom]

(((((Candy, Bebop, DocJohn))))) (((((Pat,Wise,LadyD))))) (((((January, Septmorn)))))

Thank you all for the support and caring.......I went to therapy today, only my second time seeing him and he is very nice and I know he is stepping easy with me but I do think it was probably a good choice for me to start therapy.........thank you for the gentle nudges in that direction. It was not an easy thing to do and is causing a big firestorm with my exhusband but a big reason I chose a therapist out of town is because of the system here and way things work.....so I drive 45-50 minutes each way but is the only way to do it. Yes, he is furious that I'm going but so far I've managed to avoid the consequences.
I'm hoping that one thing therapy will help me understand is what it is about me that causes him to get so angry. I know it is me because he has never so much as spanked the kids when they were growing up and he is involved in several businesses, clubs and relationships and seems to do just fine, it only seems to be just me. Ideally for me I always wish that he would get married again but he swears that it will never happen because if he wanted to be married he would still be married to me. But I know that must sound selfish of me.....and I really already do my best to avoid any situations with him and even communication of any kind but when he gets very angry he seems to find a way. I have file folders full of phone records, court proceedings, police reports, etc. have been through 2 lawyers.

My continuing health problems,my exhusband, not sleeping well, finances and now the holidays which I dread so much are what has been a big factor in my major depression. I really am trying to hang on to needing to live for my kids but.........well, I'm trying and again thank you for caring.

[(JD)]

I'm sorry you do not feel I was supportive.Perhaps I misread something. Let me try again.

It doesn't matter that he can behave when he is out in public. If he misbehaves with you does not mean you are the fault. No one deserves to be beaten. I think you are wise to avoid him, and hope you can find a good life for yourself now.

you are not the reason that you ex becomes angry. your ex becomes angry because he is a callous, uncaring bully. i pray that you will find the strength, with the help of the T, to know that you are not to blame for this fool doing this to you. please, please believe us when we tell you the truth about your situation. take good care.......xoxoxo pat

[LadyDragus]

i'm glad your going to thearpy.. Can I ask why it is so imporantant to an ex-husband what you do with your life?? Do you have custody of kids you two share???(oops see that now)) but still unless it states in the divorce decree that he has to be a part of your medical treatment he should not have a say in when or if you go to a Therapist..

If I missed soemthing anyone pleae tell me, When I got a divorce from my ex. I said goodbye and never spoke to him for almost a year.. Trust me it is none of his beeswax what you do, or who you do it with.
IF you need support from a T, then go for it, dont tell him it is not his business as long as you fucnition in the best way possible if you have kids, then what is it to him????

I am trying to be as supportive as I can, but when an ex rules someone's life it is bad.. My ex tried and well I told him a thing or two very rudely...

Give me a shot if you want to chat more ok. I am online when I am visble

[mssumom]

Sky, I'm sorry.......I had that post up on my computer at work for a long time and had been trying to type it between interruptions and sent it just before I shut down my computer at work and it wasn't until I got home that I saw your second post and realized you had posted the first time.

I know it must seem like I want this to continue and am not doing anything about fixing it and I don't even know where to begin to tell you what I've done and gone through to have this end.....I could probably write a book about it but I guess it doesn't really matter what I've done up to now....it hasn't worked and I'm at a breaking point.

There is s much I could tell you LadyDragus about what he says his why's are and I can tell you outside people like the people I work with who have seen the toll this has taken on me say.......he is a control freak, he regrets messing up our marriage, etc.....he made it impossible to see the therapist here in this small town and even knew before I got back from my first therapy appt with this new one out of town where I had been.......wonder how he knew? How he knows where I'm at and what I've done before I've even gotten home from being somewhere? Most importantly WHY IN GOD's NAME SHOULD IT MATTER TO THE MAN?

anyway, I do appreciate the encouragement and support and hope that I haven't upset anybody by posting that this continues to happen and I'm looking for a way out and really do want for somehow this whole thing to be over and am trying not to make it end by ending me........anyway, I've dragged this out again and I'm sorry.

thank you,
Lori

[wanttoheal]

((((((((((mssumom))))))))
My heart goes out to you. I so understand. I wish I had words of wisdom. Getting away is paramount to your healing but getting away requires facing the devil sometimes, especially when all resources avail nothing. If this is true with you, I've been there, I understand and I'm so sorry.

Sometimes we cry from the rooftop and yet people don't seem to hear. And oftentimes crying from the rooftop brings greater consequences. I'm so sorry if you are in this same position. I so hope you will continue to fight the fight to live and make a better life for yourself. It will be worth it even if giving up seems easier sometimes. I know there doesn't seem to be a way right now. I so know that feeling. I'm so glad you have found a T to help you through some things and to support you.

I know you feel it's your fault. I understand that feeling. I hope that eventually you will see that it's not. My heart just goes out to you. Please keep going. Don't give up. We'll support you as we can.

Sending you warm thoughts for a peaceful future.

[Boopers]

Oh Lori,

My heart breaks for you. He has you believing this is your fault and it isn't honey. It's his insecurities within himself. I wish I lived close so we could talk and you would have a shoulder to cry on.
Sweetie, know that I have seen this in my life and it is never good. Not me, but I grew up watching my Father use my Mother as his personal punching bag. I swore I would never marry a man who had self esteem issues and I live that promise.
Lori, please, leave. Somehow, someway, there HAS to be a way to get out and away from this man before he kills you. And, Lori, that is what is going to happen if you don't get out. His anger will worsen over time and his fists will get harder. Believe me, trust me, it's NOT you. It's him. And, you can't help him, either. He needs professional help. Alot of it.
I am so thankful you are seeing a T and continue please to see one.
My heart hurts for you. From one heart attack survivor to another, you know that stress is a killer.
Please seek help now.
Please keep letting us know how you are doing. I worry alot for you.
Gently Hugs,
Linda

[January]

((((((((( mssumom ))))))))))))))

I'm going to give you some very blunt advice. This man is your EX husband. Change your phone number and have it unpublished. Go down to the police department and get an order of protection against him. He won't be able to come near you. If he somehow does come near you, call 911 and have him arrested immediately.

If he has the social contacts that you mentioned above, he won't want his name bandied around the community for abusing you. Take up for yourself. It is NOT your fault. It is HIS fault. HIS.

Hugs,

Jan

[LadyDragus]

sweetie this is what this fourm is for, dragging things out so you can chat about them..

I am going to be blunt, it sounds like he has someone watching you, and you need to find out who and get that portoection order someon above me said to do.

This is silly..He is the one who messed the marraige up and he needs to get over it. You need to find a way to be safe adn he is making it very hard on you.

Can I ask you a question, can you move futher away from him, but still where he can have is parental rights to the kids???

I know you could tell me many things, trust me I can only imange what he has not done to you, it might be eaiser to think of that ..

I do hope you are safe this holiday coming up, this monster we all battle can kill us if we do not watch ourselves..

Please take care..

in freindship,
Trish

[froggie2]

I am so sorry this is happening to you. As long as he has you for a punching bag he doesn't have to look at himself. He can put all the blame on you. And of course he doesn't want you to get well and see a doctor because then people will know. Don't buy into it. I've been there and remember walking on eggshells, feeling to blame,feeling if only I was a better person. How it eroded me. I didn't know who I was anymore. But people who are healthy or trying to be don't hit. They show respect and you deserve that. It is scary and hard to deal with. There are lots of us here for you . You are not alone. I am glad that you have found a therapist and if you got a real good one you will be on the road to a better life. I wish I could give you a big hug and steal you away so no one could hit you again. Hang in there. One day you'll look back and laugh and wonder what took you so long to start this process. Its a wonderful,rewarding journey that only you can give to yourself. Be good to yourself this holiday. Have bubble baths, and good music, and a special treat. Lots of hugs and hugs to you.

[mssumom]

This is what was in my head and I didn't know how to say.......thank you
</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Sometimes we cry from the rooftop and yet people don't seem to hear. And oftentimes crying from the rooftop brings greater consequences. I'm so sorry if you are in this same position.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
You seem to understand a great deal of how I'm feeling. I don't want to be in the position and I don't encourage him in anyway, on the contrary I try to stay as much in the background as possible.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
there HAS to be a way to get out and away from this man before he kills you.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

This is what I'm waiting for to happen, the time that comes when he couldn't stop by just teaching me a lesson......do I wait. I know many of you will probably perceive me as weak and that is not what I wanted when started my thoughts on this thread for support but I can see where you would get this idea.

Well said........this monster of a disease in many forms is just waiting for my number to come up.
</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I do hope you are safe this holiday coming up, this monster we all battle can kill us if we do not watch ourselves..

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Thank you to each and everyone of you for your caring thoughts in this that has proven to be a no win situation for me. I just don't know how to do it anymore.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I wish I could give you a big hug and steal you away so no one could hit you again.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
I wish you could have too.........My hope is that you all have a wonderful holiday filled with family, friends and peace.

Love to you all,
thank you
Lori

[LadyDragus]

I hope you have a safe and sound and NO HITTING holdiay this year.

I do wish you the best in what ever you do.

Please keep us update ok.

Lots of love and huggles to you and to the kids

[SeptemberMorn]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Lori}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

My prayers and thoughts are with you, Hon... daily! Hope today is better than yesterday!