[biiv]

you know one of the things thats really getting to me this week is i seem to have blown yet another friendship. i got really close to this person online. i rarely believe this even when i feel intense emotions but i really did think i loved her (platonically). we talked about things ive never talked about with anyone else and she was helping me so much. i told her about my trust issues and how i knew one day she would leave because everyone does and she almost managed to completely reassure me she would always be there for me. i have never trusted that about anyone since i was 10.
then i screwed up. i got angry and defensive and scared and triggered and screwed up. i was slow getting back to her. months slow. i didnt know what i was doing. all i knew was i didnt want to lose contact with her but i couldnt contact her without sounding judgmental or something so i didnt. just the odd message to try to keep the possibility alive.
anyway probably about six months ago i started emailing again and she sounded so glad to hear from me. wary because she didnt understand what had happened. i tried to explain but since i dont understand either it was hard. then i sent her some writing i had done and she emailed back fast saying she loved it and would i like her to comment. i replied saying id love it and then didnt hear back from her. i was worried about her because of stuff going on in her life so i emailed just a quick hi and still nothing. then i really got worried and asked her to let me know she was ok. i got an email back of a few lines saying just daily things and that she was fine. i answered that asking if she had gotten my mail asking for her comments and got no reply. then i sent her more writing and still nothing back. that was last thursday.
i guess ive lost her. right when i really need someone comforting to talk to she s gone. that hurts. it hurts so much. abandonment is a HUGE thing for me. and you know what else? its a huge thing to me and still it pales in comparison to the other crap going round in my head right now. its mixed in with some of it. or all of it. i dont know.
so i did it again. i should get into the guinness book of records or something for most efficient at pushing people away. repellent. im a people repellent. i must have done something really wrong in a past life or i must be inherently really bad to be made to life a life where i repell everyone and be stuck with the one person i want to repell - me. oh and that other creep who keeps trying to 'connect' with me. f him. if he didnt want me then hes certainly not getting me now. if good i can trust that good people will always hurt me by leaving (because of me) then i can be absolutely without a doubt definite that if i let him anywhere near me hes going to hurt me again.
so that was just yet another of my self pitying vents. roll on death. im done.

i don't want to simplify the situatin because losing friends is so painful but online relationships are so precarious......we never reallyknow that other person...try not to be so hard on yourself......

[biiv]

i know. just ive 'known' this person for over five and a half years now. i realise online relationships are in a league of their own but sometimes they can become something 'real' and this one had.
thanks though for you reply.

[kimmydawn]

I know how hard this is, biiv and I'm sorry.

It could be that she's going through something (as you were) that she might not even have words for. I've done that several times.

I find myself coming back to myself with apologies to friends/family/co-workers because I'd been distant, but that I was "back" now.

It does help when friends still send the "thinking of you" stuff. It kinda lets me know I didn't completely burn the bridges.

I wish I understood this stuff more, but I do know the hurt and confusion that comes from it...also the self-loathing that can come from it.

Be safe, hon.

KD

[Bethsway]

I agree with Kimmydawn...she may have something going on in her life right now too...something that she can't express...take care and hugs to you!!!

[biiv]

thanks KD. shes so good with words and feelings though. tends to cope really well.
ive recently realised its weird for me when someone has something going on and doesnt expect or even let me be there for them. im so used to my closest friends doing that constantly. maybe thats what it is. she has something going on and has other people she leans on instead of me.
from the place im in now it seems easier to believe shes gone.
think i ll set a vague limit for myself - say a week - where i dont have to believe she s gone. i can have hope maybe she ll come back. then if i hear from her that hope can keep be renewed a little and if she doesnt. well i can deal with that then and not now.
i still feel crap though. but what else is new
thanks KD. i appreciate the post.

[biiv]

maybe you re right bethsway. thank you for replying and for the hugs.

[kimmydawn]

(((((((((((((( biiv )))))))))))))))

I'm going to share some more about myself as an example...

You said that maybe she has others she leans on instead of you, and that's possibly upsetting/triggering for you.

I've dealt with that with my friends as well...that's what they've thought, and that's not it at all.

When I get into a "bad space" I have no words for *anyone*...I'm not closing some out while keeping others close...I'm not intentionally closing anyone out actually.

It's more that I'm going inside myself to gain strength, insight, fight the fight that I'm in...to gain resources needed. When it comes down to it, only I can do that anyhow, ya know?

So it's not that I intentionally close others out, it's that I sometimes have NO words, and nothing to give literally...even explanation or asking for help, because I'm working hard in other places...almost like a meditation, I guess.

Of course, I don't know your friend, or that any of that even applies. I guess I'm saying that we all need "space" sometimes and most of our actions/reactions don't reflect so much on others, but more where we are at the time. Just like with you...she is your dear friend and you love her, because you couldn't talk, didn't change that. Maybe she "can't talk" and it doesn't change what you mean to her at all.

KD

(((( biiv ))))

I think you're being a little harsh on yourself before you even know what's going on.

You wrote;

right when i really need someone comforting to talk to she s gone.

Maybe she could sense your need and doesn't want to burden you with any more stuff. "She has enough on her plate" kinda thing.

tends to cope really well.

People think this is true about me. What my good friends (even those of thirty years) don't know is that when I am "quiet" or not answering their emails, it's usually because I am NOT coping well, not that I don't care about them or that I'm ignoring them. When they ask if everything is ok-- I say everything is fine and they're relieved and I've "bought myself some time" to pull it together again.

ive recently realised its weird for me when someone has something going on and doesnt expect or even let me be there for them.

Again, this might have more to do with her not being able to ask or express or feel like she "deserves" any help. She just might need some space to clear her head.

Try not to be so hard on yourself.

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((((((( biiv ))))))))))))))))))

[Impala]

Hi Biiv,
I'm very sad about losing the friendship I had with my best friend and hope one day we can get things back(I think you've answered someof my posts about it).It doesn't sound like all is lost in your situation here-is it possible she has something going on in her life right now which means she needs to take some time out.?I mean,from how I understand things,the two of you didn't argue,she was glad to hear from you when you got back in touch-it's only been a short time really since she didn't contact you-maybe she just needs you to be a little patient and give her a bit of time? I don't know,but it doesn't sound hopeless to me.

[biiv]

thanks for sharing KD. i totally get what you re saying because i do do the same thing a lot. guess im not the only one so i need to remember that.
i didnt mean to imply i felt left out at thinking she would turn to someone else for support rather than me. just that thinking about her doing that (and some other stuff a while ago) makes me realise that thats what im used to friendships being built on to a certain extent. them coming to me to complain and look for advice, support etc. im realising thats not healthy and the idea of a friendship (with this particular friend or not) where im not my friends immediate crisis manager is intriguing. and unnerving i guess.
i have asked this friend for a LOT of support since ive known her and it got to a point where i felt so guilty i felt i needed to restore the balance a bit and shift the focus more onto her and her issues. also because i really do love her and i want to know because i care. but maybe that trying to shift the balance was the wrong thing to do... i dont know. maybe by doing that i made her feel pressured to talk to me when, as you say, she might be in a place where she has no words and is 'meditating' on her own issues. (i like your use of that word.)
i just suck big time at relationships. especially when im not the one whos emotionally in control. im am so screwed up. lol.
((((((((((((((((((Kimmy)))))))))))))))))))))))))
thank you again.

[biiv]

(((((((((((((petunia)))))))))))))))))))
thank you.
i guess maybe i was thinking that now that you mention it. that i was putting pressure on her to respond to me and keep in contact when she has her own stuff to deal with. but she is a very honest person. ive been trusting her to be honest with a lot of stuff. and she keeps reassuring me she would tell me if that was the case. i just dont know.
i know what you mean about not answering emails etc. ive only recently been beginning to show certain people that i dont necessarily cope as well as i appear to. again i was working hard to trust her honesty though so i dont know what to think now.
thanks for taking the time to post to me. i appreciate all thoughts.

[biiv]

((((((((((((((((((((((cuddlyfuzzybear))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
you know, i love bears. fuzzy ones especially.

[biiv]

no we didnt argue so much as we went through a frustrating period of miscommunication where neither of us could understand the other. from my perspective that was mostly because i couldnt make her understand me because i couldnt understand myself.
you re right about it being a short time since she contacted. things have just been weird in emails for so long and she used to get back to me so much quicker and while she has sent me a couple of emails recently she hasnt addressed the ones i sent her at all.
anywho. you already know i am sorry about the loss you have suffered with your friend too. i really do empathise more than you probably know.
good luck and thanks for answering impala.

[kimmydawn]

Ohhh, thanks for going into more ((((((( biiv ))))))))

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
i have asked this friend for a LOT of support since ive known her and it got to a point where i felt so guilty i felt i needed to restore the balance a bit and shift the focus more onto her and her issues. also because i really do love her and i want to know because i care. but maybe that trying to shift the balance was the wrong thing to do... i dont know. maybe by doing that i made her feel pressured to talk to me when, as you say, she might be in a place where she has no words and is 'meditating' on her own issues. (i like your use of that word.)

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

that speaks VOLUMES to me. after a long absence from you, you then are "different" to her and have kinda turned the tables in the relationship. she might feel way out there in left field, ya know?

one thing that i had to learn thru therapy is that ppl can't read my mind and that assumed that my words and actions should be clear to them. i was so wrong! my words didn't match my actions and visa versa so i was always sending mixed signals then would be hurt when i wasn't understood.

maybe after a few days of your own meditation you can send an email to her expressing yourself and your actions of the last few months as good as you can?

also, with you changing the "rules" in the relationship without her knowing, she might feel that as a pulling away because you've changed the focus? Your intent is the best and for her, but it might feel confusing for her...especially if she'd had a well-established role? she might just really be confused and trying to give you space at the same time? if that's the case, she's a really good friend.

PM anytime as well, OK?

How cool of you to stop, look and listen to this repetiveness in your live. That's where healing starts, friend.

KD

[biiv]

you make so much sense KD. it makes sense she could be feeling in 'left field'. she may well be feeling i have withdrawn too. i was thinking maybe that was why she seemed so glad when i sent some writing about how i was feeling to her. but then no answer...
i am SOOOO guilty though of assuming people can read my mind. i have come home from T so many times thinking 'why did she ignore this issue!?' only to think about it and realise i never even brought it up!
ive been meditating on this whole thing for literally the bones of a year now and i just dont understand why i act like that. i think it taps into some very old stuff. stuff i need to look at with T because i just cant figure it out by myself. the list of stuff to deal with in T just seems to keep growing though.
the impression i had been getting up til recently was exactly what you said. that she was confused and giving me space. and you re also right the she is a really good friend. she is a very special person.
do you think maybe if i sent the discussion in this thread it might explain a bit to her? or should i just not email and see if she gets back to me and what she says?
thanks for the offer to pm. be careful in case i take you up on it though. :P

[kimmydawn]

I think sending her this convo is a really great idea. It says alot...

Relationship balances are so fragile...so fragile. When one is experiencing something, the other is as well. When life causes one's role to change, the other's role has to change as well and the entire apple cart is upset for a while...allowing for "spillage" all over the place.

That goes with all relationships, I think. Right now, there are HUGE changes in almost all my relationships because of what has gone on, and is going on, in my life. It has me nervous and out of sorts. Because of that, and in response to me and my necessary distance (because i'm adjusting and busy), the entire relationship balance has changed in most all of them.

I've had ppl ask me anything from, "Are you upset with me," to "I've been concerned for you," with some just giving me space while knowing it's been rough.

Change and distance can be so hard on relationships because I believe there is a VERY DELICATE balance. Think of singing a duet...it's not a solo for sure, but for the song to work and be the best it can, both performers as well as their voices must be predicted, known, and heard. If one is hoarse, there's no good duet. If one is not there, there's certainly no duet. If one is there, but their voice is compromised, the duet as a whole is affected. Sometimes I've not even shown up for practice lately. When I was there, my voice was tired and hoarse...

The thing is in reality not often (except with professionals) are the two voices both top-notch, in prime condition, at the very same time. However, if both are present, practicing and taking up the slack for the other throughout the performance can still make for a heck of a duet.

I can be so difficult. I just wanted you to know that I do understand.

KD

[biiv]

i got drunk last night and emailed her.