Building a Whole New Life

Yep, she’s put you in a very awkward position then, and I can understand you being angry and upset about it all. If you’re not comfortable with this then distance yourself from the relationship.

Jeff.

Yes, that's what I will need to do. Thank you!

My girlfriend claims she slept in her car Sunday night at the festival. I don't believe it. I think she slept in the tent with her side man.

The next day she got into a big fight with her partner because she brought up the conversation she and I had about them having an open relationship. I set her straight yesterday and told her please don't bring me into the conversation. He will think I'm the bad guy. It's my belief she doesn't want to tell him she cannot be monogamous, so instead, she places the responsibility onto ME for suggesting they be open. GREAT. I got annoyed with her, and she was aware that I was annoyed.

She called me last night and I acted as though everything was fine. She had a meltdown about her job, so I helped her through that and we said goodnight.

Now she may join me Sunday afternoon for music near her home. I didn't want her to join me necessarily, but she brought it up so I said I was going.

So, so far, I cannot distance myself.

Ouch!

This could get so messy for you. It will only get worse. She clearly has no qualms about pulling you into her mess. All that will happen is that they will both ultimately turn on you in their frustration and anger with each other.

What is it that makes you reluctant to just close this relatively new relationship down?

You’ve told her that you are extremely unhappy with what she has said to her partner. Just don’t answer her calls and messages. Tell her you need some time to think things through, and that you’re not happy about how she has involved you in her mess, and then just stay away.

Jeff.

I'm mildly bothered by it, not extremely unhappy. The worst case scenario hasn;t happened, therefore, I'm not too upset, but I am bothered and dont' like it. I am not willing to totally cut her out - only distance myself some. I want to remain friendly with her, amicable, and hang out at shows, but I don't want to be close friends. I want to hold her at arms length. So I won't talk to her on the phone a ton and I will just have fun with her when we're out. That's it.

I am bothered this morning by my credit card debt - it crept up by $2K and now I have a lot more debt. I paid $4K down a year ago when I got my work bonus, and now it's back up.

I want to take another vacation from my bonus money next year. I will pay off another $4k of my debt from my bonus money, but I what I really need is a far higher salary. I won't get anywhere at this salary level, and it's a great salary. WTH? HOW can I still be struggling financially when I quit smoking cigs and when I make over $100K? I live alone, is why. I refuse to get a roommate, and I refuse to move homes. So, the only way to improve my finances is with a better salary. GRRRRR. For now I am stuck. I cannot seem to muster up the energy needed for an earnest job search and job application process. It's nice to cruise and rest for a while. I needed it, after what the last six years brought into my life - a huge pile of stress and crisis after crisis. I need rest and relaxation.

My boss did not reply to a message of mine yesterday even though she was online and "green", meaning available all afternoon to reply to me. I suspect that she wants to let me know that despite us seeming to get along on the surface, that she still doesn't like me.

I was bothered by it last night. This morning I'm just like, whatever... that's her issue, not mine. I had every right to speak to her boss and his boss about her poor treatment of me. If she doesn't like that, well, grow up and be a professional adult. She is behaving like a child - it's very passive aggressive behavior. And that's ALL on HER. So... whatever.

I need to eliminate my emotional baggage. It weighs me down and brings me down. I try to focus on the more positive aspects of my past, but it’s hard because there was a lot of abuse, trauma, and resulting ptsd. I’ve even been diagnosed with ptsd in the past year by a trauma therapist. Unfortunately he didn’t feel he could help me, which felt devastating at the time. I’ve wanted to address the trauma in therapy but I keep hitting brick walls when trying to find a good therapist. I walked away from the last one, and several before that. Not one has been a good fit for me lately. I had a couple good ones along the way but that’s the past. Anyways, I feel the weight of it being carried within me. Maybe I will try non traditional therapy methods, like body energy work. I believe it has strength and power to heal. I may try that next. I need money.

I had a very off night, feeling the way I was feeling. I felt really weird, like I didn't belong in my body anymore. I left the band early. I was at the show for only one hour before I got overwhelmed by the large crowd and all the people mushed in together up front near the band. So, I just took off.... I was there on my own but met up with friends. The drive home was SO LONG, even though it was only a half hour. It felt like forever. I passed out HARD.

This morning I feel more like myself.

I think I became overwhelmed by my last post about trauma and about carrying around the trauma wherever I go. I couldn't shake the bad feelings last night. Even on my drive to see the band, I felt strange and thought about turning around and staying home.

I feel a bit lighter today.

How the heck do you get past so much trauma in your life though????? I am scratching my head. I feel ruined. I feel like I am a destroyed person. Damaged goods. No good for anyone. What am I even doing here? Why am I even here? Why did I have to go through SO much abuse all my life? Last night i felt practically re-traumatized. Maybe that's why I couldn't stand being in my body.

Healing is certainly not a linear process - it's jagged and all over the place. I know I am on a healing journey right now, and some days I feel truly knocked off my feet because of it. A lifetime of being bullied and abused, by multiple people - at work and in my romantic life. Then there's my marriage. An abusive marriage for 4 years.

How am I ever to RECOVER?????????

It’s understandable that you’ll feel this way. It is horrible how past events can suddenly re-emerge and overwhelm when least expected. Hopefully it will pass again soon, and you will feel in a better place.

Jeff.

Thank you, Jeff. It IS horrible when past trauma creeps in and takes over. I felt it all this weekend. I do feel a bit better this morning.

Healing is not an easy process. It seems to come in waves.

In the last year I've been diagnosed with PTSD and it remains untreated. I noticed that my nervous system is often in a fight or flight state. I can feel the fear inside me in my body. It's in my abdomen - tightness. It's very tense there and I believe that must be where the trauma has been stored in my body. We internalize stress, fears, and anxieties and they manifest as physical symptoms and ailments. I should be treated for PTSD if I'm truly going to heal and move forward in my life. I think EMDR is out of pocket and not covered by insurance. But I am going to research this before I jump to any conclusions. I could do Reiki perhaps as an alternative. More to research, but it's there, present, I can feel the tension spot and I can feel the flight or fight physical and emotional state I am constantly in. It's rare that my body can truly relax. I am just NOW cluing into my body.

So I reached out to a friend who does Reiki energy healing work. I asked her for another session. She's worked on me before, and it did wonders for me.

I noticed that whenever I don't receive a quick enough reply from someone on text or messenger that I get insecure about the content of my message.

I worry I have said or done the wrong thing. It's very noticeable in me, and I am just now clueing into my insecurity around this. I am being hyper vigilant about how I am. I have to learn to dismiss the insecurity and not worry about it. UGH. Growth is HARD.

I also got triggered yesterday by seeing an ex bf Sunday night at a show. He came onto me and wouldn't stop touching my hair, telling me its beautiful.

He friended me again on Facebook (I had blocked him when he harassed me on FB over the election), and I reluctantly accepted his request. He has been messaging me, with many compliments. It's obvious he is coming onto me.

I am having trouble enforcing strong boundaries here. I know that he I have spoken many times with a more recent ex fiance of his, who gave me explicit details about his abuse towards her.

Specifically, he has

Even though I am friendly with his ex fiance, I still accepted his friend request out of fear that he would talk crap about me if I don't. He talks crap about all of his ex's - they're ALL CRAZY or DRUG ADDICTS, according to HIM. I messaged his ex fiance about this last night, and she didn't reply yet.

But, we know that when a guy says every ex is crazy and unstable, that the problem typically is HIM, and not the women. That's precisely how an abuser behaves. It's textbook behavior.

So I also reached out to the friend I went camping with last night about it, telling her I was freaked out that he had come onto me Sunday night. She knows him and is friendly with him. She didn't reply yet, which is telling me that she may not be very good with how to provide support.

So I am insecure about these messages I've sent to two women. And I am triggered by him coming onto me.

He wrote me yesterday morning, saying "good morning beautiful!". UGH.

Once again, I cannot seem to escape from the toxicity. All he talked about Sunday night was an ex gf of his who is "crazy" and who stole his credit card from the bar. He is always telling stories about female drama. I noticed this two years ago and that's why I broke up with him - and it continues on even today.

So I am beating myself up over accepting his friend request, and about my own weakness in not being able to enforce a stronger boundary with him. I am too afraid of him talking crap about me to everyone. I already know that my ex husband has talked crap to my city friend group. His best friend outright ignored me when he saw me recently at a show, whereas before he had not been that way.

Why should I care? Well, right now, my music scene is all I have for a social life, and am protective of my reputation. That's why.

So, in other words, I am still dealing with triggers, insecurities, and fears around abuse.

That’s really creepy. I really do feel for you not being able to cut these abusive people out of your life. In your position, I’m not sure I’d be too worried about then talking crap about me - I’d be more worried about them physically hurting me.

Jeff.

I understand, though he cannot hurt me since I won't date him again. As a distant "friend", he can't physically get that close to me.

He messaged me last night asking how my day was. WTH? I've GOT to tell him that I am not interested. I don't want him regularly messaging me.

That’s good to hear. He sounds a particularly unpleasant individual. It sounds a sensible plan to have zero communication with someone like this, or set a clear boundary that, as you say, leaves him fully aware that you do not want to interact with him on a personal level.

Jeff.

Precisely. And I did set a clear boundary yesterday. He hasn't replied to it, so that's good.

My boss is pulling NEW behavior. The latest is ignoring my instant messages. Twice it's happened since last Friday - and I am talking about ignoring lengthier, detailed messages. This is new, and so she's once again, trying to bother me and get under my skin, trying to make me feel less than. It's pathetic. Truly pathetic. Whatever her deal is, she is stooping low to let me know she doesn't like me. What a BIATCH. I cannot stand my boss. If it's not one thing, it's another.