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  #1  
Old Mar 29, 2008, 10:27 AM
RozG RozG is offline
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i know i'm gonna regret this post to the point where i'll log off when i've posted it...but i feel i have to post it.

despite the short time i've been a member here...everybody has been fantastic. i've even had practical help...and those members know who they are and should know how grateful i am! Confession Time

but one thing i've never been able to do is lie to ppl...even by omission..to me just dodging something you're ashamed to own up to equates to a lie...guess that's stupid but it's me. Confession Time

so here's what i need to confess...and i don't expect anybody to want to know me afterwards...but that's ok, it's your right to choose to turn your backs on scum...

some folks here know i got 3 boys. one is 10 yrs old with aspergers. one is 9 yrs old with tourettes. one is 7 yrs old...he's ok but he was born premature and had probs til he was 5 but he's fine now. his biggest prob was learning to talk. he didn't start learning to talk til he was four and a half. up til then he used sign language for my benefit...long story.

anyhow, i've had mental health probs since childhood but i never let that get in the way of smothering my kids with love....that's what mom's are SUPPOSED to do!

everything was fine til their daddy died...(read anon in clyde's corner for more on that...yes, i'm that pathetic woman!)...

at the time he died i was still recovering from a 2 month spell in I.C.U. plus very severe ptsd amongst other things. i still coped for about 5 months, tho it meant taking myself of all my meds and getting by on 2 hrs sleep in every 24 coz my eldest is hyperactive.

but 5 months after he died i had a breakdown.

literally couldn't talk...garble came out my mouth that bore no relation to what i was trying to say.

couldn't walk straight...you'd think i was drunk.

couldn't pick up a cup...had no hand to eye co-ordination.

now obviously i was in no fit state to tend to myself let alone 3 very special little boys...so what's the first thing i done as soon as i could make myself understood? ....here's the bit i expect you all to hate me for....i BEGGED social workers to send my kids to foster folks who could care for them properly...yes, BEGGED!!! for my own kids to be taken away...because i LOVE them and they deserved better...they've never minded looking after me but that's robbing them of a childhood in my opinion!

so now they live on a farm with a wonderful family....learning to ride horses, play instruments, getting the proffessional help they need for tourettes, speech, losing their daddy etc.

i have 2-3 times a week contact with them and they know they can fone, text any time day or nite....i go to their medical appointments, school recitals etc...but due to the severity of my mental health probs...with amnesia, D.I.D., ptsd etc etc...the list goes on...they'll be staying on the farm til they come of age.

they know how much i love them, they know i nearly died birthing the youngest coz i wouldn't agree to the docs terminating...to me that would've been killing a special new life to save my own ***...no can do...they know i fight tooth and nail to get them things like counselling, anything they need, they know i'm here for them 24/7 no matter what and i'll always love them to pieces no matter what.

but i begged for my own kids to be taken away...so...so much for being the loving mom and doing a great job with my autistic son etc!

end of confession.

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  #2  
Old Mar 29, 2008, 10:38 AM
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Perna Perna is offline
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{{{Kalamity Jane}}}

Okay, I don't see what you're saying. You were having extreme difficulties and arranged to have your kids well taken care of since you couldn't do it yourself. And? The problem is?

Looking from the inside out looks different than from the outside in. You sound like an absolutely wonderful mother given the difficulties and pressures you've been under (from the outside). I think you need to keep on healing your insides to match your wonderful-seeming outside.
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  #3  
Old Mar 29, 2008, 10:53 AM
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free2beme free2beme is offline
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Surely it was harder you to do the right thing for your children than to keep them with you. Kalamity, your sacrifice is beyond measure. You are truly a wonderful mother. Confession Time Confession Time
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Life shouldn't be this hard
.Confession Time
  #4  
Old Mar 29, 2008, 11:30 AM
SweetSunshine SweetSunshine is offline
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(((((((((((((((((KJ))))))))))))))))))) Hon.. Given the circumstances you are in, I think you did the right thing for your boys. Please dont doubt yourself on this. I hope that someday you will be able to find peace with your decision. And I am glad that you are still able to have a relationship with them. I think if you had not been able to do that, it would have added to all the trauma you guys have been thru. I am really proud of you for doing what was right. I wish you and your boys continued healing.

Hugz
Bethy
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  #5  
Old Mar 29, 2008, 11:56 AM
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silver_queen silver_queen is offline
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((((((((( Kalamity Jane )))))))))

I think you did the RIGHT thing in sending your children away... at least they are in a place where you know they are well looked after. If you'd kept them at home... well, they'd have been with you but you'd have struggled to look after them properly so they'll have suffered for it and it wouldn't have helped you mentally either... this way the children can get the optimum treatment to help them, you get to see them, they know you love them and you know they love you - and yet you still have the time to look after you too and get you better.

Do you think you could arrange to have them visit for weekends?
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  #6  
Old Mar 29, 2008, 12:16 PM
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SeptemberMorn SeptemberMorn is offline
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{{{{{{{{{{{{Kalamity}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

What a strong, wonderful mother you are! Sometimes keeping our kids by our side isn't the best we can do for them. Making the terrible sacrifice you made for your boys was the utmost good you could have done for them.

It's time you forgive yourself for something you perceive is wrong. It is not! You are not scum! I appreciate you now more than ever. There's no way I'm going to turn my back on you. I admire your strength and your resolve to be the best mother you can be.

Confession Time Confession Time Confession Time
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  #7  
Old Mar 29, 2008, 12:21 PM
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Typo Typo is offline
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Kalamity you are far from a horrible mother. You love your kids so much and you knew you wheren't in a postion to take care of them the way you needed to..you did the right thing. Your still involved with their lives and they know how much you love them. Your an amazing person that had to be so hard but you shouldn't be so upset with your decison. Your a wonderful person and a wonderful mother for being so unselfish and letting you children go when you knew that things were bad..Your absolutley amazing and I hope you find some peace and that things get better Confession Time Confession Time Confession Time
  #8  
Old Mar 29, 2008, 12:29 PM
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Fuzzybear Fuzzybear is offline
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((((((((((((( Kalamity_Jane ))))))))))))))
Confession Time Confession Time Confession Time
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  #9  
Old Mar 29, 2008, 12:34 PM
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gimmeice gimmeice is offline
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((((((((((kalamity_Jane)))))))))))
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Confession Time

Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: "What! You, too? Thought I was the only one." C.S. Lewis

visit my blog at http://gimmeice.psychcentral.net
  #10  
Old Mar 29, 2008, 12:49 PM
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Raynaadi Raynaadi is offline
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((((( Kalamity_Jane )))))))

I haven't had the pleasure of talking with you yet, but I can tell you that I certainly think you are a wonderful mother! You put the best interests of your kids ahead of yourself.....you did the best thing for your kids!!!!

I'm glad you posted what you did.....and I'm sure all of us will only see a mother's love in your situation!!!

Confession Time
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  #11  
Old Mar 29, 2008, 01:04 PM
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nothemama8 nothemama8 is offline
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Dorrie, this is a Declaration of a TRUE LOVING MOTHER, I'am very honored to be your friend, if my own mother had been more loving I may not have had so many problems , but my Grandmother stepped in and raised and loved me.
never put yourself down YOU are WONDERFUL
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Confession Time
A good day is when the crap hits the fan and I have time to duck.
  #12  
Old Mar 29, 2008, 01:45 PM
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nothemama8 nothemama8 is offline
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glad you listened, aren't ya sorry I have your number, you will always have a sister in the USA
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Confession Time
A good day is when the crap hits the fan and I have time to duck.
  #13  
Old Mar 29, 2008, 01:48 PM
RozG RozG is offline
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wow i can't believe how many people reponded to this and in such a positive way too! guess i'm the only one with a problem over this....guess i gotta learn to quit beating myself up so bad!

thank you for your responses everybody

((((Perna)))) Confession Time Confession Time

((((freetobeme)))) Confession Time Confession Time

((((SweetSunshine)))) Confession Time Confession Time

((((silver_queen)))) Confession Time Confession Time

((((Silversparrow)))) Confession Time Confession Time

((((Fuzzy)))) Confession Time Confession Time

((((gimmeice)))) Confession Time Confession Time

((((Raynaadi)))) Confession Time Confession Time

((((nothemama8)))) Confession Time Confession Time
  #14  
Old Mar 29, 2008, 02:12 PM
Anonymous091825
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(((((((((((Kalamity_Jane )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
You did what you thought was right for your kids
you matter
((((((((((KJ)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
  #15  
Old Mar 29, 2008, 02:18 PM
RozG RozG is offline
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awwww ty ((((muffy)))) that means a lot

you know you matter too and you make such a big difference here at pc

((((((((muffy)))))))) Confession Time Confession Time
  #16  
Old Mar 29, 2008, 02:49 PM
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katheryn katheryn is offline
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i applaud you for what you did
and getting your boys a new home doesnt mean that you stop loving them
((((((((((((((kj))))))))))))))
very brave opening your heart
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  #17  
Old Mar 29, 2008, 02:54 PM
RozG RozG is offline
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thank you ((katheryn)) your understanding means a lot Confession Time Confession Time
  #18  
Old Mar 29, 2008, 03:05 PM
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Razzleberry Razzleberry is offline
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Wow, hun. I am so sorry for everything you had to deal with.

Confession Time

You did what was RIGHT, you recognized a problem and helped your kids get the care they need. That is the sign of a truly loving and considerate parent. If you had kept those kids during your problems, you can only imagine how it would have effected them.

You did the right thing. Please try not to beat yourself up over it.

You do love those children enough to let them go.

Confession Time
  #19  
Old Mar 29, 2008, 03:19 PM
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splitimage splitimage is offline
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((((kalamity jane))))

I agree 100% with everything that's been said here so far. Giving up your kids was an incredible brave and loving thing to do. I can't even imagine how hard it was for you.

But now they're getting the care they need and you are still invovled in their lives - I view that as a win-win situation.

Please be gentle on yourself, and do what you need to do for your own healing.

--splitimage
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"I danced in the morning when the world was begun. I danced in the moon and the stars and the sun". From my favourite hymn.

"If you see the wonder in a fairy tale, you can take the future even if you fail." Abba

Confession Time
  #20  
Old Mar 29, 2008, 03:23 PM
RozG RozG is offline
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((((Razzleberry)))) Confession Time Confession Time

((((splitimage)))) Confession Time Confession Time

thank you both. i was obviously worried how ppl would re-act to this so thank you for responding positively.
  #21  
Old Mar 29, 2008, 04:22 PM
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sujunew sujunew is offline
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((((((((((kalamity jane))))))))))
I truly understand how you feel- 3yrs ago I was in the same position, but through a lot of hard work and a bit of luck I got my daughter back with me last year. Things are still really tough, but I am learning to accept the help that is offered to me. You are lucky to have the best of both worlds- the time and space to heal yourself, and knowing that your children are in great care and that you can see them grow up safe and happy knowing that you are there and DO care for them. Don't beat yourself up about this. You have done what you needed to do to keep your family safe and well. Take care. Confession Time Confession Time Confession Time Confession Time
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I know that behind every grey cloud there is a silver lining; I just need to be patient enough to find it!!!

  #22  
Old Mar 29, 2008, 04:26 PM
Danialla Danialla is offline
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</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
free2beme said:
Surely it was harder you to do the right thing for your children than to keep them with you. Kalamity, your sacrifice is beyond measure. You are truly a wonderful mother. Confession Time Confession Time

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I couldn't have said it better myself!

K. Jane.......that was a very selfless act. You put the love for your children before yourself. Something I wish more parent's would do these days.

It is also wonderful that you are still be involved in their lives. Seems like a win-win situation.
  #23  
Old Mar 29, 2008, 04:27 PM
RozG RozG is offline
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((((((((sujunew))))))) Confession Time Confession Time

thank you...and i'm glad things are working out for you and your daughter. Confession Time
  #24  
Old Mar 29, 2008, 04:43 PM
RozG RozG is offline
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((((Danialla)))) Confession Time Confession Time

it was the most painful thing i've ever had to do...but i personally don't beleive someone has the right to be a parent if they can't put their kids needs before their own regardless of how painful it is for them....

thank you for understanding.
  #25  
Old Mar 29, 2008, 04:50 PM
Anonymous81711
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Confession Time Confession Time Confession Time Confession Time
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