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#1
May 10, 2011, 08:59 AM
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Well, it happened again. A brief history : I was raised by barbaric, cynical, abusive, neglectful parents. My brother and I were subjected to abuses of all kinds. Physical, sexual, you name it. And when they weren't brutalizing us, we were being neglected. Physically, emotionally, the whole gambit.
My "mother" passed away 3 years ago. I can honestly say I've never shed a tear for her. I've only been to her gravesite once in those 3 years - to lay a wreath on the first Christmas because "It was the right thing to do." Haven't been near it since. And I have no plans to in the near future. My "father" is 85 y/o and in failing health. Was diagnosed with Prostate Cancer some years ago and has refused medical treatment. Shortly before this past Thanksgiving I received a call from the local clinic where he lives. They informed me that Dad had been into see them earlier in the day complaining of problems passing urine. Told them he hadn't been able to go to the bathroom in 2 days. (!) They had immediatly drained his bladder & advised him that he needed to have a cathater inserted while they treated the cancer. Apparently the prostate had swollen to the point it was blocking his urinary tract. Of course by this time he was feeling better & told them flatly that he wasn't doing any of that & he walked out. So the nurse was calling me telling me all this and urged me to try to convince him to have this done or he would "drown in his own urine - a slow, painful, horrible death." So being the "good son" I rush to his house along with my brother & for 2 hrs tried to convince him to have this simple procedure done. Finally, in desparation I called the Division of Aging to hopefully find somebody familiar with this population who could talk him into it. Well, not only didn't that happen but I heard my father tell this person that if "anybody comes to my house I have a loaded shotgun & I'll use it!" Well, that was it! At that point I got back on the phone and the lady from the Division told me she wasn't going anywhere NEAR that place and suggested we call an ambulance to have him transported to the Hospital. I called an ambulance service - explained the situation - and was advised that before they would transport him the weapon had to be removed from the home. So. The Police were called - again the situation was explained. I was expecting the local constable to come over and talk the old geezer out of his gun. WRONG! The next thing I know there are about a dozen Police vehicles tearing up in front of the house - guys jump out with drawn pistols - rifles - and automatic weapons - in full gear... They surround the house, block off the street and after a bit I see my father being led from the house in cuffs...! Of course on the way to the Hospital he makes some remark about "not wanting to live anymore" - which gets him 2 weeks in a MH facility for assessment and treatment... After being released, the next time I speak to him he tells me "You're no damn good!!" Blames ME for the entire incident. Blames ME for rushing to him to get him the help I was told by medical personell to possibly SAVE HIS LIFE!!! So that's the mentality I'm dealing with. Fast forward to yesterday. I called him to see how he was doing. Because in spite of the years of torture, I still miss him - care about him on some level - he's my FATHER for Christ's sake. Like I said we have barely spoken since Thanksgiving. Well, when I called him yesterday he started right in on that ncodent - "How could you do that to me?!?" Etc Etc Etc. As if it had happened yesterday... A couple times I tried to tell him that I didn't call to argue - just wanted to see how he's doing. He just wouldn't hear me! Finally I told him I had to go. And hung up the phone. Afterwards I was FILLED with ANGER - SADNESS - FRUSTRATION. I'm to blame for trying to save that man's life?????  I paced - I swore to myself. I cried. I wanted to jump out of my own skin!! And this was after a less than 5 minute phone conversation with this man!!!How is it that they can have such POWER over us when we KNOW - as adults - in therapy - rationally - that we don't have to be at the mercy of them any more. And how in the WORLD do we overcome that??? PTSD? "Survivor or Abuse?" What? All I know is my T will get an ear full of this come tomorrow. Any other feedback anyone has to offer would be appreciated. HELP!!!!
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A1v84...yer_detailpage |
 avoice
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#2
May 10, 2011, 10:35 AM
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CALM DOWN, are you calmed down yet? Ok, heres a hug because I am talking in my Kind voice as best as I can by writing in regular print. Ok, I have given you a hug, do you need another one? If you do, than think about my arms wrapped around you holding you tight, I am gently rubbing your back and I am talking very quietly to you. Can you feel that? Keep thinking about that, are you feeling the stress and anger and anxiety starting to calm down? Are you ready to listen? It is ok if your eyes are filling with tears and your slowly trying to let go of the short breaths that slowly end up into slow deep breaths. Can you let that happen? Come on, its ok. Easy, easy there. Now, I am going to quietly talk to you and its ok to nodd in agreement. And its ok to keep focusing on relaxing and breathing deep. I am sorry that you had such a difficult time, BUT, I am very proud of you Lava. You have been trying very hard and I know your working on it in every way, at home, work, in therapy, inside of you, even in here at PC. Now, heres what has happened. Yes your father is a very disturbed person and now he is old and old people have a weakness that is showing they can no longer be capable of controling their weakness or personality defect. All the responses you got from society has proven this and they have told you what they cannot do, or how it is dangerous and they have to think about how this situation has to be handled in the safest way. LAVA, I know that it hard for you, but the reason it is hard for you is YOU ARE A GOOD MAN, inspite of all that abuse, so much abuse that you have really struggled in every way to BE THAT NICE MAN. This nice man that you really are is having such a hard time because you ARE NICE. That is why it bothers you and your shaking and in many ways frightened. And that is what happens to nice people Lava. You are so nice that you don't like to see or treat your father with anything less than kindness. So, every time you interact with him, you feel punished and you deserve to know why. Everything that I have told you or your therapist has told you is that you need to accept who you are, there's is nothing wrong with that Lava. All the things that you are seeing an talking about now are things that you are seeing because your a nice person. Your only beginning to let yourself understand that, no, you can't join those other people at work, or yes your boss has a problem, something that is very similar to your father but just at a different level. Because you have chosen to get help and let yourself be that nice person, you are starting to see all the faults in others, issues in others that keep them from doing just what you are doing. This wanting to love your father, YOU ARE DOING THAT RIGHT NOW LAVA. You are seeing how hard it is and you don't understand it. YOUR NOT ALONE. I talk to so many people in here that have so many problems and they really struggle BECAUSE THEY ARE NICE PEOPLE TOO. You could very easily hop over to victims of abuse and read a young mans struggle with anger and he is about to face his abuser in two weeks. I am trying to help him understand something and he has PM'd me because he is now afraid, but, he has always been afraid. I am trying to tell him something, something that you need to know too, something that you are seeing and experiencing on a VERY BIG SCALE. You are starting to accept who you really are, GOOD. But you have to also accept, YES YOU CAN LOVE YOUR FATHER BECAUSE YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON. But he's is too old to get it, appreciate it and on some level he has given into his anger and he is ready to take it and go. There is nothing you can do about that Lava. There really never was. But that doesn't mean that you can't be YOU, A LOVING SON, A LOVING BROTHER. This is where you are being tested and on some level you know it but you don't have enough time under your belt, not enough therapy or giving in to who you are and finding the real strength of it. BUT YOU JUST DID IT LAVA, YOU REALLY DID IT, IM SO PROUD OF YOU. I know it was very hard on you. You can cry about it, and morn it, it is a part of accepting it, and allowing yourself to be what you are. IM SO PROUD OF YOU LAVA FOR STEPPING UP THAT PLATE AND BOY IT WAS HARD ON YOU, EVEN NOW. But Lava, you saw it thru and all that you saw was how much it took to care for this person. DO YOU SEE THAT? And, your going to have to be even stronger, and in that you will walk away, knowing that you are allowing yourself to be YOU. No, he is not going to take it Lava, he will fight it to his last breath, and a a part of you is going to have to morn that. But, you are going to learn a very hard lesson, something that so many other people in here can't seem to grasp. JUST CHECK OUT THE DEPRESSED FORUM. THESE ARE REALLY NICE PEOPLE LAVA, they are trying and they are depressed because they have been OPRESSED, and they don't know it. THEY DESERVE TO BE HERE, WE DO NEED THEM. But they don't know it, just like you EVERY TIME THEY HAVE TRIED ALL THEIR LIVES, IT WAS HARD. You know they are trying to find the gene for this, even when they find it they are not going to know what it really is, no not for a long time. This gene is not a bad gene. IT IS A GOOD GENE. It is why it is so hard for you, what all these hard days have been all about for you, not only you BUT FOR THEM, and that young man that is crying and trying and angry about, and all those people that are cutting and disassociating and everyone in here being abused. THEY ARE NICE PEOPLE TRYING, TRYING, TRYING. LAVA, YOU WERE BORN WITH A GIFT, SO ARE SO MANY PEOPLE IN HERE. When someone comes here wanting to give up and I reach out, a couple of times with every depth of me, THIS IS WHAT THEY NEED TO SEE LAVA. Some of them are so nice, a young boy in a new school and he is trying to understand WHY, WHENEVER HE IS NICE, DOES HE GET REJECTED. DO YOU SEE YOUR GIFT? Because if you do, and your really accept it and take off with it and no matter how much it is tested, SOME DAY YOU CAN REACH OUT THAT PERSON THAT HAS TO SIT ON THAT BUS AND BE ABUSED FOR WHAT YOU AND HE HAVE. SOME DAY, YOU WILL BE SO STRONG THAT YOU CAN TALK TO THAT YOUNG MAN THAT IS GOING MEET HIS ABUSER AND TELL HIM ( HOW HE IS THE STRONG ONE ) and what MAY HAPPEN WHEN HE FACES HIS ABUSER, as you are doing that NOW on EVERY LEVEL. Every time you see your father, THANK GOD YOU DIDN'T GET HIS DAMAGED GENE OR HIS ILLNESS THAT HURT SO MANY PEOPLE, THAT IS HURTING HIM (RIGHT TO THE END) Take a deep breath now Lava. DO YOU SEE IT NOW? Yes, you are going to have to let yourself be you to his very end. You can LOVE HIM, because YOU CAN LOVE. You are giving and trying BECAUSE YOU ARE GOOD TO THE VERY DEPTHS OF YOU. When he goes, know that YOU DID YOUR BEST. When he leaves know the IN SPIT OF HIM, YOU HAVE MADE A CHOICE TO EMBRACE THAT YOU, that he could never accept. When he goes, BE THANKFUL THAT YOU HAVE SURVIVED HIM. And that you are so much stronger than he ever was. Live the rest of your life BEING THANKFUL FOR WHAT YOU HAVE. Take every day AND REACH OUT TO OTHERS and give them PERMISSION TO HAVE IT TOO. Every time you do it, you will be USING YOUR GIFT where it will be appreciated. OPEN EYES  And for all that come and read this? 
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| Gently1, krazy_phoenix, LavalampTerry, Nammu
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#3
May 10, 2011, 12:02 PM
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I am glad that you saw this, I hope it helped you. I hope you will take strength in it Lava, I hope others do too.
Thank you for sharing, all of the hardship and all the work it takes to let yourself out. Open Eyes |
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#4
May 11, 2011, 02:08 PM
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Met with T this morning and talked about the whole "Dad Affair." She's of the opinion that me calling him is my "little boy ego state" still trying to be loved by this man. And that until I realize that for whatever reasons that block him, that ain't happenin'. Never did - still isn't - may never. She suggested that I "try on" the concept of "just staying with the pain" of not being met. That as long as I pursue his love, I will continue to experience the frustration, anger, sadness I feel with him. But maybe by just ACCEPTING the fact that love isn't available, I may get to the point where I can MORN it.... Tough pill to swallow, but I get it. Does this familiar to anybody?? Feels right. Resinated with me when she said it. But it still makes me terribly sad.
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A1v84...yer_detailpage |
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#5
May 11, 2011, 03:32 PM
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I understand Lava - I think it's human nature to want to have loving parents and we will do whatever it takes to feel love and acceptance from them. I've finally reached the point where I realize my parents can never be what I want/need. I don't miss my actual parents, but I miss having parents. You are in my thoughts!
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 Children's talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives. ~ Maya Angelou Thank you SadNEmpty for my avatar and signature.
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| Gently1
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#6
May 11, 2011, 04:34 PM
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Quote:
I don't agree with just staying with the pain concept. Maybe just the way it is put and how your brain may perceive that. I think that it is healthier to realize that in spite of him, you are a good person. I know that many people do not have the story book family. And they continue to grow and fourish as good and productive people. In fact Walt Disney had this theme in many of his movies and stories, almost every one. Even the Jungle Book story revolves around an orphan. So I can only submise that as we have so many stories that do revolve around this occurance, yes there is pain, however there is strength. I just have to think about the fact that it is much healthier to focus on the strength, than the pain. I don't know why many therapists seem to need to concentrate on THE PAIN. When I think of an abuse and what results, A BRAIN INJURY, I am of the opinion that it is much healthier to focus on HEALING THE INJURY. I do not think that revisiting the constant actions that caused damage is of any use except to ACKNOWLEDGE that YES, something injured us, and our brain is very confused about it. The only other reason for revisiting is to examine HOW, WHY, WHAT WAS THE REASON. When someone tells you that you will have to LIVE WITH THE PAIN. I don't like that. What that is saying to me is THAT YOU WILL HAVE TO LIVE WITH OPPRESSION THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. I think that is a bad message to our brain. I really think that focusing you the victim's STRENGTH, is a much better way of allowing your brain to deal with it better and allow it to let go of the abusive OPPRESSION. What struck me about your description about what happened and how you handled it, was that YOU SHOWED AMAZING STRENGTH. I was really impressed and I also saw your frustration about that. My post to you was to make sure that you realized WHO YOU REALLY ARE. In order for our Brain Injury to really get better we have to realize that someone who hurt us WAS A SICK OR DISURBED PERSON. This is what we are looking at when we go back. I really get upset when this is not addressed properly. Look, I know what she is trying to say, but I don't want you to live out your life IN PAIN. You have your own family and they are a good family. If you live the rest of your life thinking PAIN, that isn't healthy. We have to be careful about what we walk away with and how we can allow our brains to hold onto an emotion forever. Because if we do that than, how are we going to realize that WE ARE STRONG. What I wanted you to get from that whole experience is that even though you had a parent that was DISTURBED OR ABUSIVE, you still got to BE A GOOD MAN, YOU ARE A GOOD MAN AND A GOOD FATHER AND HUSBAND. And, the fact that you took care of this person inspite of how bad he abused you, means YOU ARE A GOOD MAN AND YOU ARE A GOOD SON INSPITE OF HIS FAILURE. That is really what that little boy needs to know. That is what that little ego needs to know, HE WAS A GOOD BOY ALL ALONG. And that is what he NEEDS TO KNOW FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE. No matter what boss is mean to him or what person today, tomarrow and in the future does to him or says to him. AND So that when someone is a BAD BOSS, why does the inner voice of a young talented woman keep telling her that this behavior is not good for her? Why is a therapist telling her to keep looking at something bad, why is a therapist not showing her the bad person and telling her that it is a sick person and maybe the only thing she can take from him is the good talents and not the sickness. Why isn't the therapist telling her that the reason she is confused is that yes she has his intelligence but all the SHAME, PAIN, ANGER, she if feeling means SHE IS NOT LIKE HIM, SHE HAS A CONCIENCE. And one other thing. She is not happy and her boss is not a nice man. SO WHY IS THE THERAPIST TELLING HER TO DISASSOIATE FROM THAT AND GROUND HERSELF AND GO AGAINST HER HEART. I want to know why she has take a pill to concentrate around this atmosphere that she knows is not good for her. ISN'T THAT TELLING HERE THAT SHE HAS TO DO THE SAME THING SHE DID WITH HER FATHER? Well, excuse me BUT I THINK THIS VERY BRAVE WOMAN DESERVES TO (HEAL). SOMEONE IS NOT LISTENING TO HER. And she CANT STOP CRYING. You know what, she deserves to be heard and she deserves to get better and BE STRONG. If she is not happy and cannot function under someone who is picking on her she deserves to BE STRONG and do something that will MAKE HER HAPPY. Open Eyes |
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#7
May 11, 2011, 05:38 PM
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When I look at that picture of that adorable little boy, I want to tell him something.
YOU WERE A GOOD LITTLE BOY YOU ARE A GOOD MAN YOU ARE A GOOD FATHER AND YOU ARE A GOOD SON |
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#8
May 11, 2011, 05:48 PM
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Open Eyes : I know your heart is in the right place - and I do appreciate your kind words. But I don't think my T is asking me to stay stuck in the pain - all the things that occurred. What I took from our conversation is that she thinks it would be benefitial for me to ACCEPT that the love and affection that I've wanted from my parents all my life just isn't possible. To ACCEPT my father for who he is and what he is capable of - and NOT capable of. And it is her hope that if I can get to that point, perhaps we can move on to the important business of MORNING that loss. Perhaps I didn't explain that properly...
And as she said, as long as I continue to seek that love, acceptance from him (as evidenced by my call to him on Monday) - as long as I try to achieve with him what he is not capable of, I will continue to be that frustrated, hurt little boy who's trying to get something that isn't available to him. Luckily, there are others who can give me what my father can't. Friends - my wife at home - my T - people I've met here on this site. Support & acceptance is everywhere - just not from my father... In any event, what she said feels right to me. Feels right. So we're going with that. My T has seen me through all my past attempts to get my father to "see" me. To consider me. She knows all the gory details of my history with him. And she has my best interest at heart. And I TRUST her with what she says to me. She speaks to me with both professioanl and personal experience in this area. And her words guide me. I truly do value your's and all the other's input I get here. My life changed the day I found this site. I'm no longer alone with my struggles. My T agrees!!  So keep dem words of encouragement comin'!!! I can use all the help I can get!!!!
__________________
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A1v84...yer_detailpage |
| Gently1, krazy_phoenix, Nammu, Open Eyes
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#9
May 11, 2011, 07:54 PM
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Lava, I am glad that you took the time to explain it better. I think that was important for everyone to see.
When I first talked with you, that was exactly what I was saying to you. I was trying to help you understand who that man is and what you are not seeing, remember? Remember I told you that no matter what you did that he was not going to change and you had to understand that and why? Go back and look at what I told in when you came here so angry. It was important that you brought a closer look at this because this is exactly what so many that come here have to understand and yet cannot seem to understand. And sadly they blame themselves and even hurt themselves in so many ways. I also see this in children of alcoholic's that really struggle and can't seem to understand it. We do have to understand at some point when to let go. Sometimes many of us suffer so much before we finally understand it. Or, even women who are married to an abusive man or an alcoholic or visa versa. In so many ways we are always trying to make up for something and seem to have keep going back to check and make sure. Or we stay with the abuser or alcoholic hoping that it will change to what we really want somehow. You know we are still fairly new at all this family stuff, this ideal that we seem to need to exist. In the past we were lucky to even have one parent of even live as long as we do now. Abuse is nothing new either, been around probably since the very beginning. When I think of Walt Disney and his life time and what he knew. He was trying to teach us that in all those famous cartoons. I used to ask, why does the mommy always have to die in the movie? Or sometimes charectors are orphaned somehow and they find their way and live a good life inspite of all the challenges that they face. Yes there was always a moment given to a morning in his stories, a sense of loss and acceptance. And he always put different abusers in there too, did you notice? Some animal or entity that wanted to harm the orphan or innocent one somehow. There are many stories and books on that that are classics. And yet even though we are told this growing up when we watch these movies, we never realize that it does apply to us and life. Yes, I am really glad you addressed that again as I really didn't want you to just end in pain or walk away feeling that it was what the answer is. I can see that yes you have a couple of steps left and hopefully you will walk away understanding what I have also talked about. Hopefully that final dressing that is taken off that brain injury called PTSD will result in the strength of knowing that we can be strong and be that good person that was treated badly and yes, we were that good person all along. I have to laugh, look our moods, your anxious and Im frustrated. How funny is that LOL Open Eyes |
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#10
May 11, 2011, 08:15 PM
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Lava,
Thanks to Open Eyes I now have read Re:PTSD/Dad and I will would like to add my support. I know at one point my ex-husband wanted to disown his parents, it would have simplified our lives at the time, but he did not and we accepted them for what they were, and took steps to protect ourselves from emotional blackmail. It was hard to love those that can hurt you, but we did our best. That is all we can do. Currently my depression is a mystery to my father. He has cancer and the side effects of his meds sounds very much like depression pain. Yet I am 'not sick' and he is and I can not change his mind, so again I do not go to him and expect support. I do not know if this helps, but relationships can be so complicated and I am the nut that fell off my fathers tree- so i am not great at relationships and communication. My PTSD is related to my father in the lesser degree as my early childhood was one of observing parental fights, insults and generally trying to stay out of the way. The major PTSD has to do with CSA unrelated to family.Trying to help those that do not want or know they need help requires incredible strenght courage and fortitude, and that is not easy. You are showing courage by trying to understand and I wish you all the best. Gently 1 |
| LavalampTerry
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#11
May 11, 2011, 09:52 PM
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Thank you Gently 1. Your input is always appreciated. Yeah, there a lot of nuts on family trees aren't there? My family tree is no exception. It can be tuff if your a good nut trying to figure out what kind of good nut you are. Yeah, the fact is we are nuts and we have moods to go with it. I am always a frustrated nut myself. But I have a soft interior. I happened to notice that Lava is a anxious nut. And your nut doesn't know. Welcome to PC LOL
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| Gently1
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#12
May 12, 2011, 06:04 AM
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Well. First, I'm a little hesitant to call myself a "nut." At least in the sense I've used it about myself in the past -- "crazy" - "broken" - "sick" - "lesser than." And finally "F'ed Up!" That's what I can do to myself. I try not to do that so much anymore.
However, if the word is being used as in having some of my family of origin's "traits," then, yeah, I qualify. They were quite good at handing down those negative messgages. The messages I took with me out into the world once I left that home. My T discourages me from calling myself "nuts" or "crazy." She tries to redirect those self depreciating, self-harming, insensitive words with "you're not 'crazy,' you're someone who was terribly hurt as a child and has spent your life living with the by-products of that abuse. Gotta say, that makes me feel much better than all the hurtful names I've been known to call myself... Somebody wrote something to me the other day. I'm reminded of it now. She wrote : "As long as my self esteem & security is dependant on the value I place on others' opinions of me, I will continue to suffer." Or words to that effect. I hope she sees this and realizes how important that message was to me - how much I'm clinging to those words. Cause they're TRUE. I've always been dependant on others' opinions of me and have caused myself years of endless suffering. (Again, a message from my childhood!) I won't mention a name - she knows who she is... So - with those words ringing in my heart & my T's never ending words of guidance and support I feel like I'm approaching that place where I can release that message - and hopefully ease some of the suffering... And I'm gonna need every bit of support that is available to me in quieting that message! I'm looking to dispell 57 years of appraoching my life like that. It's not gonna leave me NEARLY as quickly as I'd like, I imagine...! So thanks again for all the kind words - all the gentile guidance. I'll get there...
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A1v84...yer_detailpage |
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#13
May 12, 2011, 06:17 AM
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Here for you..providing all kinds of support! It is hard to counter all those negative messages we have believed for so long. I have faith in you! You have already made so much progress...you are definitely heading in the right direction.
__________________
Children's talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives. ~ Maya Angelou Thank you SadNEmpty for my avatar and signature.
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| LavalampTerry
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#14
May 12, 2011, 07:04 AM
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__________________
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A1v84...yer_detailpage |
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#15
May 12, 2011, 08:03 AM
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Good for you Lava,
That is a good sentiment. I was just joking about the nut as Gently mentioned. If I can put that word up and laugh about it, well that is good for me as that means I do not take that seriously about myself. It tells me that even though people around me drank and because I kept pointing it out they would say, Oh no its not them its me or Im nuts, I can finally not let it hurt me. Actually for me that is a big step towards the sentiment that has been mentioned by you. I was thinking about how so much of my life was me trying so hard to stand up to all the different alcoholics in my life. I think it is so strange that they were all binge alcoholics. How I didn't realize that they were a kind alcoholic and could never understand why when I complained they would always say it was me. I understand how hard it is Lava, I really do. I sometimes get maybe overly supportive in my posts, as I have had to really stand up in my own life. I truely know how hard it is to fight back and stand tall so to speak. I cant tell you how many times I tried to get help and went to therapists and told my story over and over and sorry to say, got no help. They too wanted to put some blame on me or wanted to drug me out somehow. It was really a mind blower to me to be honest with you. It was like saying if you can't beat them, join them. Well, at least there is more support for people like me now, the cat is out of the bag so to speak. I would somehow like to go back to the different therapists and ask for a refund of the god knows how much money I spent. Yes, I get passionate about others who suffer and somehow, yes, I want to reach out and say something, anything that will help them see that yes, it did happen and it was bad, but, you can be strong in spite of it. Like you I did have to go back and say, yes my family had issues and no it wasn't perfect and yes I really suffered a lot of abuse in so many ways. So many ways Lava so many many years of it. And somehow, it was always blamed on me or taken out on me or I really had to literally run from it. I guess you can't imagine that I tried once again to get a therapist, and yes he was nice, but something was not right. I found out why when he told me that he had been an alcoholic/drug addict and he was a person in repair. Then it explained why he would cut me off in therapy and how sometimes he would need me instead of giving to me. Oh yeah Lava, I have lived with that for so many years, all my life even in marriage that, how could that possibly be? I had to sit and listen to a man who was going through his second divorce, and thank god no children. How I was sitting across from someone who did to others what was done to me. How he sat there and admitted that he had narcisstic tendencies and how his maturity level suffered and how I knew what that meant in every way. I didn't need that, I get enough of that every single day for as long as I can remember. When I tell people KNOW THY ENEMY, Im very serious. When I tell people who want to go back and tell their abuser, "You were mean to me" better watch out, as they are more deceitful than you think. I wish I could show you how hard it has been and is now for me. How I am having to be very strong and so many ways and thinking every day about that sentiment that you pointed out. I don't have just one retaliator who is very draining, I have many, been outnumbered all my life. Maybe I come on strong here as I have to be really strong outside PC. Maybe thats why your strength that you had to use really meant so much to me. How proud I was of you, more than you know, how much I knew how hard it was, is now. No, I didn't want to leave you with that word PAIN, because I was left with that over and over again until I found strength. And by looking past all those moments of going back and staring at it over and over with a therapist, it was ME WHO SAW THE REAL REASON. I resented the fact that IT WAS ME THAT HAD TO POINT IT OUT CONSTANTLY. No, I do resent the fact that somehow I HAD TO BE DRUGED TO DEAL WITH IT. You know some one told me AGAIN that oh it must be me. Wow, Lava, more brain bashing, disbelief, invalidation, more calling me NUTS. Well, I now have the staggering statistics pointed out in BLACK AND WHITE. One more study, piece of confirmed information to add to my file whenever I sit in front of a therapist. I have a pretty big file, maybe now, I have enough evidence. What if I were to tell you Lava that my neighbor is a MEAN DRUNK, that no matter what I said, he had to shoot off fireworks next to my horses, how even the police couldn't get here in time. How he trys to tresspass in every way, even tearing down my signs. How I had to pay the ultimate price of seeing my animals DESTROYED, MY ONE IMPORTANT THING IN MY LIFE LAVA. Because someone is a MEAN DRUNK and doesnt respect me or anything I have. AND HE CALLS ME CRAZY, NUTS. HOW HARD IT THAT? So, yeah, when I see someone angry, crying, feeling alone, blaming themselves wanting to hurt themselves, no one will listen its ruining their life they are blaming themselves or being blamed and trying so hard, I CAN'T HELP BUT REACH OUT TO THEM. GRAB ONTO THEM SOMEHOW AND TELL THEM, NO, IT REALLY ISN'T THEM, STOP HURTING YOURSELF OR BLAMING YOURSELF, FOR SOMEONES ELSES PROBLEM THAT EFFECTED AND HURT TO TO THIS POINT WHERE YOU WANT TO HURT YOURSELF OVER IT. Even if someone hates me for pointing it out, well, as long as they see it, thats all that matters to me. I only WISH, SOMEONE DID THAT FOR ME, I REALLY LOOKED FOR IT TOO. " KNOW THY ENEMY" "ITS NOT YOUR FAULT" Open Eyes Last edited by Open Eyes; May 12, 2011 at 09:19 AM. |
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#16
May 13, 2011, 10:05 PM
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*deleted*
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#17
May 13, 2011, 10:26 PM
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Lava - you have showed so much strength in your journey! I hope you continue to heal the wounds and find the true happiness in life that you so deserve!
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Children's talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives. ~ Maya Angelou Thank you SadNEmpty for my avatar and signature.
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#18
May 14, 2011, 08:13 AM
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Thanks CSC! We're trying... Whatever progress I've made I owe to a loving T, my understanding wife, and wonderful friends like you that I've met here.
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A1v84...yer_detailpage |
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#19
May 14, 2011, 08:47 AM
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Quote:
You are a much better man today, than you were when you first came. I am sure that as you become stronger Lava, your family will greatly benefit. I have seen how that happens. My daughter is a much stonger person from watching me NOT allow for bad behaviors in others. And they have seen you have courage, they DO learn from that. Open Eyes 
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#20
May 14, 2011, 08:48 PM
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I just wish to thank all of you for speaking so eloquently, it helps me learn and accept. I was so moved by all the posts but I don't know what to say right now. I'm told I'm experencing PTSD again but to me it just feels like the world is falling away. Or maybe it me thats falling away. I felt I couldn't read such open posd with out saying somrthing, so thank you. So brave.
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Nammu …Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. …... Desiderata Max Ehrmann |
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#21
May 16, 2011, 07:50 PM
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Sidestepper : I hear ya! As a number of people here know, this past winter was the HARDEST, MOST PAINFUL few months I've ever spent. There were times I honestly felt I was losing my mind! Couldn't sleep, eat, focus at work. Nothing! My T actually suggested a couple times that I consider hospitalization!!
At least a "Day Program." It was the most intense, sustained emotional pain I've ever experienced!But through it all I just kept putting one foot in front of the other. Showed up for work. Tried to eat something, sleep a little. Show up for my therapy appointments weekly. Whatever. And I got through it... Couldn't tell you how really. Just did. I'm still not "doing backflips" but at least I'm functioning again. With the help, guidance, and support of many here on this site. I hope you get plugged in and take advantage of what's here. There're good people here - and they'll listen, support, understand you. Finding this site for me has been a life changer. My T agrees! Take good care.
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A1v84...yer_detailpage |
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#22
May 16, 2011, 08:37 PM
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(((lavalamp)))) I fully hear you and understand you...whether I convey that adequately in this response or not. Both my parents are now passed... mom just 2 years ago... but they were both in their 80s and I was the only one of 6 children that lived closed to each as they aged, became infirmed and become so much more difficult to deal with!
For me, yes, I continued to try and keep contact with them...going out of my way (even though I'm disabled) to be the good daughter...to be who I really am, a caring person...doing her proper duty. I know at times of lucidity they appreciated it, other times I was the nasty ogre who made them...this and that etc caused such problems etc. (Like when my mom, for whatever reason, kept calling me to come help when she had fallen, knowing full well I couldn't help her up...finding her "up" already when I arrrived... and once, when fully convinced she had fallen, called the emergency people to meet me there. Ooo she never forgave me for that! However, I think it was with undying desire to be loved. I so wanted them (individually) to prove to me that they loved me... kept giving them the chance... oh what a optimist I had become. I would do it again today. Maybe not with such angst, because I'm wiser about the tactics that such family play... but I'd do it again because of who I have become. I'd do it "so that" I would not have any regrets once they were gone. I can now say that what I did was not enough to meet their needs, it did not keep them alive, but I know I did my very best for where I am in life. That is something with which I can live
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#23
May 17, 2011, 03:21 PM
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Thanks JD. Really appreciate your words. I've tried. And tried and tried. My father is an old farm boy who has an inherent distrust of every Dr. or Lawyer or society in general. Has lapsed into what I believe is a sort of paranoia & perhaps even dimensia. He's currently convinced his neighbor - the same neighbor who loves my Dad & has spent the last 10 years looking after him. Taking him meals, shoveling his walk in the winter - cutting his grass in the summer & otherwise provided Dad with companionship - is coming over when Dad isn't home and stealing his food (Dad lives on hot dogs!) and "moving stuff around." Dad's also convinced this neighbor is trying to "get money out of my Will," ignoring my reminding him her doesn't HAVE a Will....
Point is - yes, I've spent all my life - litterly as long as I can remember - trying to get this man to love me, to see me, to hear me. But more importantly, I've spent his declining years - especially since Mom died - trying to convince him I love him. To no avail. While I might be able to come into a conversation with him a mature - relatively stable - 57 y/o man, by the time we're done that conversation, I'm back to being that 10 y/o who is just been told I'm S**T - a "Girl" for wanting to hug when I leave - and lots of other, vulgar, names I won't mention here. Add to that he is my principle abuser, & well, my T says it's probably not the wisest thing for me to be "exposed to him." Re-traumatizing" she calls it. It's just difficult. I didn't have the chance to tie up the looses ends with Mom before she died. I waited too long - and I wasn't at a place where I could do it - and by the time I could have, she had sunk into her own dimentia. She didn't even know who I was at the end. But then again, maybe she never did... Neither does he. I was hoping he would be willing to let me do that before he goes. Looks like he's not going to. Thanks for chiming in though. It's nice that during the good times at least, your parents DID appreciate your kindness. Nice memory to have I imagine. Lavalamp At what point do you say : "Enough is enough."
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#24
May 17, 2011, 08:40 PM
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Thanks lavalamp, my T and I are going though a PTSD wookbook so I can get a handle on what this is, and what I can do. I'm kinda of like your dad I don't trust much. You are right though, this site is great.
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Nammu …Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. …... Desiderata Max Ehrmann |
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#25
May 17, 2011, 10:06 PM
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Your welcome sidestepper,
As you can see, even from the beginning of this thread, that alot goes on here. Sometimes there is a lot of anger, even me, I do express it. And there is fear, anxiety, sorrow, we even blame ourselves alot. I looked at my own long post here and I remember when I wrote it. I had a really bad week and when that happens many of us remember why. And that why can stretch back pretty far in our lives. When we feel angry or all the other things, that is PTSD. And as you can see, it does take time and there is a lot to it. Just as we have learned these behaviors, so do we have to unlearn them. We have to reach back and not just see the abuse or trauma but why. That why is so important. I talk about know thy enemy. Well, that is really important and that enemy has something wrong about them and even they don't see it or they hide it very well. We were just growing up, how did we know right from wrong? Yet we blame ourselves for it, and we take a long time to learn and accept that it really isn't our fault. And somehow, well we have to accept it and morn it and just put it in our memory and thats hard too. But then we have to realize that others that around us aren't perfect either and so we have to learn that when we sense that or feel it by dealing with an angry mean boss that he may have that behavior for a reason in his past too. Everyone has a different curtain that respresents their past and they do stand in front of it. Often they don't want to talk about it as they feel that others will not understand it. The important thing in recovering from PTSD is to know that whatever happened it did effect the victim. We get angry at something that we really shouldn't get angry at, but there is a reason for it. Maybe we are afraid to be the person we really are, well we have to learn that too. We do it with help from others and we do it one day at a time. And when we get upset with another person, we have to remember why we really get up set and what it means to us. If we have children, then we have to make changes, maybe we too did not do it perfect. But we can change that too one day at a time. But all the repair started when we admitted we had a problem and began to ask for help. Open Eyes |
| Nammu
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This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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