[beauflow]

I am on mobile old style so I can't put the red bubble with an x in it, beside this thread, it may be a trigger for some but Idk.

I am considering therapy, but I have been procrastination on it partially due to what little I remember as a child and events makes me so upset when I remember, a part of me does not want more memories to occur that I may have repressed. Also there are times I ''forget'' memories. (which forgot isn't the right word but closes for description)... If I go to therapy will I experience more memories. I know this is a on a case to case basis,
One reason to go to therapy is to let go some of this baggage... Is there any way to not relive the memories to get past them?
And my final question on this right now is does it really help to tell a stranger the memories?



Thank you all

[Rose76]

Hi beauflow, I think you'll never know until you give it a whirl. Try to get referrals from those who might be knowledgeable about some therapists. Some therapists are a lot better than others. Also, the chemistry between you has to be decent. With a good therapist who understands your needs, I think it does help.

[beauflow]

Thank you Rose76!!
I know- just need to try it.

and about the stranger question: My Boyfriend told me today-

That talking to a stranger with a therapist or Psychology degree would be beneficial due to they know how to talk and listen, and they can give suggests on how to cope and if needed more than suggestions, like meds if needed- (don't like that thought) But it did make me feel better and more into this whole thing. And like you said I wont know till I give it whirl (my dad use to tell you dont know till you try- guess I should take his few words of advice on this huh?) :-)

Thanks all for reading and thanks Rose for replying

[Rose76]

Go for it, beauflow. Often, a non-stranger is about the least helpful person to go to for certain things. With a friend or family member, there could be too much irrelevant emotion clouding up the focus.

Think about putting things down in a notebook that you would like to process. That will help avoid wasting time, which goes by very quickly in a therapist's office. You could put a special mark next to issues or memories that are hard to think about again. Let the therapist know that. A good T. will make the process smoother for you. Keep posting about your experience, however it goes. You need to move forward in your life, and you deserve help to do that.

[Nammu]

Hi, When dealing with dissociation(forget, but not) & memories, and the do I or don't I want to do therapy now, look for someone who is knowledgeable in the PTSD field and ask them those questions you have because you are right it is case by case but also each therapist has a different approach. What I like, you might not like in a T. I went to therapy a complete novice about any of this stuff and got lucky, I had a good T who knew I had PTSD, but I didn't have memories and didn't get the full picture for years. Back then they believed you had to relieve the memories to get better, now they don't think every person has to, so not all T's will aim for you to "recover" memories. That may be something you would want to discuss before starting the acual therapy. One thing I've noticed that seems to be a big issue, but is just a personal preference is that a lot of people perfer to go at their own speed, but others say they need a T that will push them a bit. This is another one off those things that is best talked about before you get invested into the relationship, because a T is only a stranger for a short time.

Even though they believed in pushing memories back when my journey began, as I say I got lucky, I had a great T who let me pick the pace and sometimes I felt overwhelmed with memories and needed to back off, other times I felt like I must have dreamed the whole thing and I was just a lier, but he always belived in me. He was a stranger when we started but he became my rock. When I decided I needed a break, he suported my decision, when things where overwhelming he was there and my needs came first, this was the one place my needs always came first, I wasn't a mom, or a co-worker-a wife or care-taker, this was the place where I mattered most it really helped to have that. I never knew alot about him, never wanted to, I needed him to be a T and not fully human, knowing about his kids and family life in more detail would have made him too human for me, so for me he was more than a stranger but he wasn't someone I could tell you much about and that was perfect for me. I later had group therapy with him and some of the others knew alot more about him and it seemed important to them that they did, they needed to. That too would be up to you and your T. Since that time I've had other T's some I knew better, I was at a place I was more secure and I didn't need a super human who could save me from the horrors. Good luck with your decision and if you decide to go to therapy with your search.

[beauflow]

Thank you Sidestepper- I have an appt on firday (today) after work- Yeah I am a little afraid but it will be ok- You have up there one of the questions I had in my booklet- do i get to know them a little- not like i want full blown out details but just a little about them... but Idk at the same time if I want to know them.
I think i need to start little... :-) and be sure to ask my questions i have jotted down.

Thank you again

[Nammu]

Most welcome, I wish you luck, and calmness today. You are so much better prepared than I was, great idea writing all your questions down. Have a great day!

[Rose76]

Jotting down questions is excellent preparation. You do have some good impulses toward helping yourself. Hope your session helps. Let us know.

[beauflow]

yeah it was a two hour screening I guess? I didn't know it was a two hour first session and I see the therapist in two weeks, so I am starting out.
I feel mostly better, I feel its a first good step. I talked a lot though, but it was good. part of me felt bad though but ya know I won't let it bother me.... he asked twice why its taken so long and I said Idk the last time, partially I do know why and the reason on why I feel bad is due to my family handled as a secret and its only family business. But they handled it in a bad way, and least I have the strength to attempt to get help now even if its years later....its a start... Of course I stared years ago when realizing what things just bull headed with this... And I'm getting over my pride of therapy... Guess there is another reason

I wanted to talk to my boyfriend but he needed to go to work and had some stuff to do when I got home.... So he promised before he left we will talk more later. He said I have the drive that some don't by going I love him... I already told my boyfriend about stuff, he knows, but I don't want to leave him out just cuz I go to therapy and he least seems willing to listen, he has helped so much already with also you all here, with starting.
in the session we did brush on my family and past issues, I almost started to cry but stopped my self and apologized for it...they said it was ok, I apologized a few times for my family, again it was ok to say. I expressed with out realizing it till later my confusion on some things and thoughts with it...
I am glad psych central is here cuz I am able to tell the website and you lovely peoples! may sound silly but it does help....

Thank you all again,

Its been great help, I hope to have good experience with this.

Sorry for the ramble

[skeksi]

It was so brave of you to go, and you've DONE it, you're in the process! That's phenomenal, your boyfriend is right.

I'm really proud of you! I hope the therapist you see is a good fit and you are feeling better soon.

[Rose76]

Beauflow - Great first step! Your boyfriend sounds like a good guy. With the support he gives at home, plus the work you'll do in therapy, you will come to grips with the hurt of the past and make the future brighter.

[beauflow]

I hope so, and yes he is wonderful guy (he is still human though) and I say he is a wonderful man probably too much but he is the first person to seem to really care about me and want to talk to me about different things. I talk with him too. We are similar in so many ways too, so it is easier for us to talk. He is the first person i have found that I can talk to about things that I can not with others, especially feelings and thoughts.

Sunday my boyfriend and I talked about something very hard for me to tell him, I did not want to tell him due to I did not want him to think it was something he was doing for my feelings I really beleive it is something from the past that is popping up that has evolved in a way and I am worried i will mess things up with how I am and in the past with other people. It is one of many reasons I suppose why going to therapy and why I pushed it so hard last week with the "Me calling"

I love him but did not want to share really due to I did not want to hurt him in any way. and he saw that it bothered me and told me he was listening,
I don't know why but I feel it is important to share my things with my boyfriend, we live together and I want a strong life together (my dad use to say communication is something him and my mother lacked on and he believed it to be part of the down fall & Also one of our last talks together he told me "I wish you were not like me, I wish you could express more to others your thoughts and feelings and not hold them all in" and something to the point he wished I would be able to and not be like him- i think those two things there are the main reasons why I try my best to communicate, I tell my boyfriend things that I get paranoid about, what upset me, what happened when it upset me to a point, (I DO Feel like a fool sometimes but still i try my best) -

I did warned him it upset me so and that I did not want anyone to feel bad, we did talk, I cried and he held me... Later that day after a Nap I asked him how he was doing (sort of like his turn to talk talk about stuff he felt).. He told me his feelings and thoughts, and we discussed some more due to I must not had explained my self fully the first time, and right now we are good. I feel closer to him due to I can share such things and he does not get mad/irate mad, or over react totally or throw things or use passive aggressiveness with me.

He told me, when I am ready, if this Therapist and I click, that I should share it with her due to she is a biases person and to get her opinion on it.. it will be hard... (I think it's all my fault, but my boyfriend is worried about things I may not realize with in myself or that he is doing something wrong)... None the less I have talked to my boyfriend about the problem with in me, I have done this twice Sunday and last Wednesday about stuff that bothered me hear recently.

I will eventually due to one of my issues that I have been having for about a year now is a slight love and hate relationship (I have done this with myself for a long time but now I am doing it with my boyfriend, I do believe it partially stems from my mother and I)
And even though I get hate where it is a little extreme; I do see what he does for me, he talks with me which has helped tremendously these last 2 and half years, he listens and gives suggestions, he holds me when I need him to, and I do see he loves me even if I miss it sometimes or twist it in some way (i/e I get extreme thoughts of him cheating on me when he does not- and when I do believe he is not- there is no signs or proof of it)....

Its like I cant accept that someone loves me, and wants to stay with me- Like I need to destroy it if they are not going to (or that is at least how I feel on this when thinking over my feelings, I do a lot of thinking on me I am sorry if that is selfish).

Any ways- I did share with my siblings that I do talk to (only 3 of them not all 5). That I am going, My oldest sister has not responded to email (every time I call she has side conversation with her girlfriend or is yelling at the kids instead of talking to me- so email is best), and my brother sort was like ok good?- - my other sister told me she wishes me well and we talked for a while on things in the whole therapy category, She went into therapy a long time ago on her own. She told me if I every need to call and say "Don't talk just listen" to do so--- I am afraid she thinks I do not remember some things but does not want to trigger me (does that make sense?). But I was shocked as well that she suggested that. I have not seen her in over 5 years and just this last 2 years I reconnected by phone and mail with her.. I disconnected from her due to drug life style i had but have cleaned up.

I don't want to upset my sister though- I am afraid she wont believe me like my oldest sister - or get mad like my brother... I guess I opened up to the wrong sibling the first time coming out to say something (my end of my drug ring so to speak is when I said something)... I never thought my one sister would say call me any time,
I was asked by the screaner if I wanted anyone in my family to be a part of my therapy and I told him no- only my boyfriend at some points. I don't know if my sister would want to be part of my therapy. we grew up in the same family but had different child hoods (if that makes any sense), we had the same situation to some degree but not fully, to be honest I am not sure what good it would bring.

Any who this ramble has been great! thank you all and I am deeply apologetic if it upset anyone.
I kept saying sorry for my past and my family to the screener, I am sorry for it but it is what it is.

[Rose76]

It sounds like you are coming along slow and steady. That is nothing to be sneezed at. Your boyfriend sounds like a really good guy. It was nice to hear from your sister. It sounds like she meant what she said. I would go easy with telling her the worst stuff. A way to open the dialogue might be to say that you are glad that therapy helped her and you would be interested to hear how she was able to use therapy successfully. You could say you are in therapy and would appreciate input from her on how to get the most out of it.

That gives her control to go, or not go, into sensitive topics. It allows her to set the pace. I think it's a good way to rebuild a connection to her, by minimizing the risk that she will get scared of you becoming too dependent on her. That happened to me with a sister who now kind of minimizes her contact with me. I became devastated with hurt when she started doing that. Slowly, I am rebuilding the connection. You do not have to make some formal arrangement to have your sister involved in your therapy. My guess is that could jeopardize your relationship with her. Just try to reconnect in a way that does not threaten to make her feel overly relied on.

You really seem to be going in a good direction. Going slowly is fine.

[beauflow]

Thanks Rose! I will keep that in mind.
Yeah when we talked on the phone i didn't bring up any bad stuff.
She had mentioned that with medication she is like me with not wantin to take any.
She did give a tid bit on how she's been trying to kick depression which is what i've been doing to some degree when i can:-)
Slowly is ok usually i try to rush into things, but i think i'm going steady with this :-) thou there are thoughts always that i don't need therapy cuz i'm happy today but it has been good to write things cuz i forget it, then realize i do need to talk even if it's a little to get some suggestions. :-) i need to remember i at times don't want to be 70 and still have there awful thoughts or cycles. :-)

[Rose76]

Beauflow, Your last sentence above is ringing in my ears. It has emblazened itself on the inside of my forehead, in front of my cerebral cortex. What an incentive! You've just put things in crystal clear relief for me, and I really better pay the dues NOW.

Hi Beauflow,

For me, the point of talking about the memories--- sometimes reliving them, sometimes telling them from a more distanced perspective, is that I understand their connection to what's going on in my daily current life, because there is always a connection. It's like I now understand why I have coped in certain ways, that served me well when I was a child but which are getting in my way as an adult. And this understanding has allowed me to (eventually) break free of old "habits" and develop healthier ways to relate to people, to manage stress, etc.

Anne

[beauflow]

Originally Posted by 3rdTimesTheCharm

Hi Beauflow,
For me, the point of talking about the memories--- sometimes reliving them, sometimes telling them from a more distanced perspective, is that I understand their connection to what's going on in my daily current life, because there is always a connection. It's like I now understand why I have coped in certain ways, that served me well when I was a child but which are getting in my way as an adult. And this understanding has allowed me to (eventually) break free of old "habits" and develop healthier ways to relate to people, to manage stress, etc.
Anne

I never really thought of that way- Like I want to "remove baggage" meaning a better way to cope with it- But perhaps the reason why I want to "remove baggage" is due to how I react sometimes with things- I noticed the other day when there was an argument I turned on the radio and talked to the dog instead of being the mediator or even paying attention to it which in some ways I should had been due to it does effect me on what the outcome is... but I try to stay out of stuff like always- but I ignore it sometimes too- which can be good but yet can be bad. I know a few years ago I was worse with this sort of stuff.... but am trying on my own to be better- but I am getting to the point of 3 years or more-- maybe I need some suggestions else where. Just like Sunday I believed everyone was talking smack about me in some way- I broke down on the car ride home with my boyfriend and told him what was going on in my head (I could tell he could tell something was up) we talked and he said it just takes a lot of practice and reminding self that some of it is not true... i broke down even more of how tired I am and that I dont want to be like this the rest of my life-- then a glimpse came to me that even with therapy just as he said- practice and reminding self- I will have to deal with this the rest of my life..... I don't know how I feel about this. But I will try... and hey maybe I get some really good suggestions on how to go about it all and cope

[Nammu]

Hey there, Sounds as if your doing really good. So yeah maybe you did self medicate before to help carry the bagage but now you just want to get rid of it. Thats pretty awsome for someone just starting out on this journey! Don't worry about apologizing about lauguage here, we all started out not knowing what it ment and learned as we went along. Your sister thats going though her own journey sounds like a good possible resourse, like Rose said start slow, and just because you told the T no family at this time, doesn't mean you can't change your mind later. Even if your sister and you didn't do anything together growing up you could get useful info and so could she. Thats the great thing about thearapy theres no right or wrong in the process it's self. and you can change your mind when you want. It's your journey, you hold the reins, have a good one you are off to a good start!

[Rose76]

beauflow speaks one of those inconvenient truths: " . . . then a glimpse came to me . . . I will have to deal with this the rest of my life . . . " We are not here, not most of us, anyway, to work out an "adjustment disorder" and move on, having put it behind us. Like beau, "I don't want to be like this the rest of my life." but, I suspect some of the "maladaptive" reactiveness was, and/or has become, hard-wired. Best I can do is get better at managing the fall-out.

[(JD)]

What is neat about the brain is that once it learns where certain types of memories belong, it continues on it's own, rounding up the other similar memories and filing them away. So the answer to your original question is no, you won't have to go through each memory individually.

It's good that you are in therapy. If it truly is PTSD, well, while there is no cure, therapy is a good way to learn to live so it doesn't control your life. PTSD doesn't get better on it's own.

Be well!

[beauflow]

Thanks side stepper, rose and jd.
Yeah about two or three moths ago i wag trying to find a legal way for smoking weed and my boyfriend brought to my attention nicely and subtle that i didn't want meds from a doc but i was trying to self medicate (my boyfriend really thinks i maybe bipolar with how my mood swings are but like me i think maybe too but we aren't any docs so will find out i guess in time). I see what he was saying but still i don't want to just take meds not even right off the bat,
Yeah and about hard wire into the brain about past things and trying to make one better i totally agree with.
I'm glad to hear about the brain and memories. I just hope they don't try to push towards my dad being bad, i sort of got that feeling with the screener i told him in my heart i don't think or believe our dad hurt us besides with his form of disaplin which i tried to reason on why he chose that way idk i never thought my dad was a bad person. Though i have tried to connect the dots cuz my oldest brother wasn't just born this way for what he did. One time my other bro my good bro lets say said that our oldest cousin had his hands in it too with being in part of stuff with the older children. This cousin is quit a bit older think he's like 15 year older or more than i. Idk i get mixed with how i "feel" i was asked did i feel there was more than one abuser. I said i don't think so? Sometimes i do remember even before my good bro said anything how i'd be around my cousins like not wanting to go to them and stickin with my sister on holidays and visits. I don't want to remember stuff isn't one or two good enough? Idk i didn't like that it was simi suggested about my dad, when i told my boyfriend this if said he couldn't say anything really cause he doesn't know it all. Idk what that means exactly, my dad may not had been the best but he did try in life, he may had drank too much but was working all the time for his family. I don't like having the shred of doubt in my mind about this either. Thanks all thou

[beauflow]

See the shred comes from thinking and i had a horrible dream a few years back that still makes me cry when thinking of it and it had my sister and i naked in a room and my father came in and said i was spared and took my sister away. I didn't like it and ever since this dream like back in 08 i've questioned myself on what i "know". I don't like it

I know its jurt a dream but i remember few dreams even today. Why remember this one?

[(JD)]

I think it's important to not discount your thoughts and feelings. Also I think it is good to let the doctor/therapist DX you ... Sometimes dissociation can look "bipolar".

Sent from my iPhone.

[beauflow]

Thanks JD, i went in the morn. The therapist wants me to go to another screening That's just for bipolar from another organization, i think i will, they specialist in bipolar. I know the little sanity score on here both mania and dissociation is always high when i take it but idk i know i'm me, i sometimes tell myself different moods or parts of me. Idk. I only have 12 sessions with this therapist cause That's what the county does now days, i guess they use to do long term sessions but now it's a limit. Idk if 12 sessions will be able to diagnose me :-| i see them again in about a week hopefully i'll get some suggestions for me from them. I was told i need to be stable before working on my family issues which makes sense, they mentioned they thought i looked pretty stable and liked that i've been trying to do mood tracking on my own and a journal. I liked that i asked about some things and they were straight forward
I'll go into the other screening too to see what they say and share it with this therapist so they can help to where i need to go from here.
I still feel mixed on this. It's hard to explain. I just want to know what i can to do to better myself with some things in my life the therapist said keep talking to my boyfriend and maybe in time some things will get better

[Rose76]

I think that's pretty great that the facility where you go puts you through systematic screening. There is a lot of sloppy diagnosing that goes on, and one is ill served to get that. To bad they didn't still do the long term sessions. You probably would benefit from more.