[Hellion]

So I am not sure quite how much sense this will make but I'll do my best. Basically though I find myself just wanting to give into the pain and the anger just let it take over. It disturbs me because when I do that I tend to get kinda self destructive and am more likely to do stupid/dangerous things.

I mean I get that numb feeling and then things feel pointless and I say 'f**** it.' and well that's not good. I don't want to fall into that trap like I have before, but just not sure how to avoid it. I mean I hate feeling so weak, when I get a rush of energy from getting set off as terrible as it is.....sometimes I just want to give into it instead of trying to hold back. I mean its like I am just drifting into a very dark place mentally and walling up the exit which only further isolates me and makes it hard to even see anything worth really holding onto. I guess I am afriad of how I'll end up I mean I just don't know anymore. Does anyone relate to this? or have any advice on it?...I can honestly say sometimes I am afraid of myself. Not entirely this is all the PTSD but I Know that is a large part of this.

Oh I failed to mention I sometimes wonder if its not already too late, I mean its not as though I had a decent life and the PTSD shattered it, its more like it shattered what was left of my determination and what little hope I might have still had. I mean I have to laugh when I write or type out my middle name that happens to be Hope, and I find it ironic. I mean its like I hold on to who I think I am but I don't really know how well I really know myself.

[bohogypsy]

Is there any way you can channel that energy? I am interpreting what you say to mean that you fear losing control if you give into your emotions? IMO I don't think repressing those emotions is healthy. Sounds like you're fighting yourself, as your body/mind/emotions is wanting to express itself (release things) and you're denying it because you feel that it is destructive or unacceptable or weak. My suggestion would be to channel it... either through exercise, a punching bag, screaming into pillows...something that doesn't require you do project your stuff onto other people (hurt other people), but allows you to get it out of your system. It surfaces in the first to get out... a physiological response to process your stuff.

A further explanation on what I mean on the main site...
13. Sublimation

Sublimation is simply the channeling of unacceptable impulses, thoughts and emotions into more acceptable ones. For instance, when a person has sexual impulses they would like not to act upon, they may instead focus on rigorous exercise. Refocusing such unacceptable or harmful impulses into productive use helps a person channel energy that otherwise would be lost or used in a manner that might cause the person more anxiety.

Sublimation can also be done with humor or fantasy. Humor, when used as a defense mechanism, is the channeling of unacceptable impulses or thoughts into a light-hearted story or joke. Humor reduces the intensity of a situation, and places a cushion of laughter between the person and the impulses. Fantasy, when used as a defense mechanism, is the channeling of unacceptable or unattainable desires into imagination. For example, imagining one’s ultimate career goals can be helpful when one experiences temporary setbacks in academic achievement. Both can help a person look at a situation in a different way, or focus on aspects of the situation not previously explored.

You sound pretty resilient to me. Hope is a nice name

[Hellion]

Well I do that sort of thing, trying to channel energy into other things like if I'm on edge and feel more anxiety or whatever coming on I am sometimes able to use that energy for other activities but not always as sometimes I don't have enough control to be useful at any activities...but that's not quite what I meant. what I mean is more like not giving a crap about anything, and then when I have a lot of negative energy combined with that...its not a very good combination. So what I meant was I don't want to fall into that but it seems like I am. Uhh...its difficult to explain.

I guess I am not sure how resilient I am because I certainly don't feel that way, thanks though.

[bohogypsy]

Good to hear that you do that already. Are you speaking of apathy when you speak of numbness or not giving a crap? and by negative do you mean depressive feelings or destructive? Both are viewed as undesirable I suppose. You're worried that youll do irreparable damage in that state, is that what you're getting at? Yea, I can see how it is a state one would not want to fall into, but it is what it is. Those feelings are there for a reason so you just need to keep probing to find the underlying reasons for those uncontrollable emotions, and to work from there. It takes time and persistence to move through.

[beauflow]

Hellion

I mean I get that numb feeling and then things feel pointless and I say 'f**** it.'

i do that a lot with different sorts of situations and emotions.... I try to remind myself-- as you mention-- **** IT!! does not really solve things with some situations... Unless of course I am "letting go of something that needs to be let go of".. which then it is rationalized in my twisted head to make it more positive than the **** it.

I mean I hate feeling so weak, when I get a rush of energy from getting set off as terrible as it is.....

I am not fully following this one- partially am I think-
I can feel weak when i feel like I am losing or taring apart with conflict with things: "emotions" i suppose you could call them-- Also with thoughts- I.e. Right now with my issues i am at times confused with what is "right" or "wrong" or if both are grey and none are to the extreme. I get told to remind myself to not really take the outsiders in-- to listen to my heart, my logical side, and what does that tell me... don't get so down and out basically if others' disagree.

sometimes I just want to give into it instead of trying to hold back. I mean its like I am just drifting into a very dark place mentally and walling up the exit which only further isolates me and makes it hard to even see anything worth really holding onto.

I can get to a point with myself with-- I will always be a messed up person due to my past, due to all the things, There is no "cure" for someone like me...... I get this way from time to time- I am not sure if this is like your giving in and isolation- but it does isolate me and I begin to put up walls.. It is negative-- I have trouble at times getting out of this, but some how some thing in me says- Ya know- I am trying, I am not as worse as some people in my past, I am in ways smarter than others in my past as well.... And i can flip to the side of those mother****ers that ****ed me over have ****ed over my life!! Lot of anger-- but ya know it is important to know-- anger is not bad- I have to tell myself that constantly-- anger is an emotion, and yeah what does it mean is what it is to figure out-- validation, lack of caring, etc.... I am still working on things, but I hope one day to have more clarity.

That third tid bit on me can relate to your thinking of it is already too late as well--
Ya know-A part of me thinks: I don't think it is ever too late as long as with in some time things are realized and worked on- I don't mean to once again use my father as an example (have a few time here recently in other threads)- he is product of a lot of my pain coupled with much more other things; HOWEVER-- I saw as I got older and he got older he did grow--- at least there was one day he granted permission to have emotions... In his 60's he told me that he saw so much of him in me, and that he wished that I would be able to talk more and get my emotions out rather then keeping them all to myself, as he did...... He wished me to be better.... I try, it is a struggle-- I can get despaired with it all as well; but some times all we can do is try... that is what I tell me...

I am sorry if that is not helpful but it is worth a shot- I some times feel I am an odd ball with things so I can understand if i missed the whole picture. But at any rate hugsto you It may be a struggle but ya know- perhaps hope is what keeps us going with getting better, and the trying and seeing progress as time goes by helps with that hope to keep alive.. maybe? I know at times I can lose hope, I can refuse to see the progress or feel like reverting- none the less- ya get back up to try again I think due to many are strong to- even though at times we may believe we are weak.. I am sorry if I sound contradicting but I can be a tetor totter with which side am I on with what I think or feel....

Bohogyspy--- I like the idea with channeling that energy--
Ya know I keep getting told- go out for run if I feel annoyed that is about to come to anger- OR get up and do something-- Clean the house and all-- Some times i feel though that this is ignoring the problems but perhaps it is channel the energy to distract to come back to something that is overwhelming in my case.
I like to do crafts to be honest when I am not feeling so despaired, it is creating something and usually is pretty Yeah i can be my worst critic but it is still nice....

[bohogypsy]

Beau - Mhmm, I suggested channelling overwhelming emotions because it really is hard to get a handle of overwhelming emotions in the moment when we have a reaction to something that has happened. You know the saying ‘Blinded by rage/anger’. When we’re reacting our emotions get the better of us so we aren’t really thinking things through rationally. We automatically go on the defence and are overridden by emotions. I remember when I was going through my irritated phase I would snap at people and get really defensive and have violent urgings. I felt like I could really smack them over the head hard! I couldn’t handle the situation in an assertive manner because I was triggered. I did not agree with what the other person was saying. In one particular situation I got into an argument with someone because they were trying to assert themselves over me and put me down. They were trying to put me in the wrong when they were initially at fault. It was a fear in me that caused me to react because I felt threatened and felt that the person was trying to tell me what to do and how to feel. Control me basically and that didn’t sit well with me. My reactions to the situation caused me to express myself in an extreme way. I screamed at them and was quite verbally abusive, yet also afraid at the same time. I later felt guilt/shame at how I handled the situation and would beat myself up about how those emotions/reactions weren’t acceptable. Those emotions were wrong and I judged myself harshly for it.

However, those emotions were acceptable because those were my coping/defence mechanisms in situations where I felt threatened. It was the best I could do given what I had. I had never learnt proper assertive behaviours growing up so I could not speak in a calm and mature manner. I couldn’t handle confrontation well. Anyway, I digress... the point I am trying to make is to express those emotions because they do have purpose/meaning to them even if it isn’t clear in the moment. It’s valid and shouldn’t be repressed because it’ll come up ugly anyways at some point. My bottled down emotions caused me to explode at various times because I was poked too many times and didn't resolve my underlying stuff...so it did come out ugly. It does take a clear mind to sort out the underlying issues so it’s best to reflect and sort things out when in a better mood. And to slowly learn how to respond well and not compromise your integrity in the process. If that makes sense...

I can relate to the apathy and pointlessness too, but am feeling a bit too sleepy to add further comments tonight...

[Hellion]

Originally Posted by bohogypsy

Good to hear that you do that already. Are you speaking of apathy when you speak of numbness or not giving a crap? and by negative do you mean depressive feelings or destructive? Both are viewed as undesirable I suppose. You're worried that youll do irreparable damage in that state, is that what you're getting at? Yea, I can see how it is a state one would not want to fall into, but it is what it is. Those feelings are there for a reason so you just need to keep probing to find the underlying reasons for those uncontrollable emotions, and to work from there. It takes time and persistence to move through.

Yes kind of apathy I guess, and I get depressive feelings and destructive feelings...though I find the destructive feelings a bit more disturbing, because I have never been the type that likes to cause any harm to others.

Also since I know what caused my PTSD and I know what I was depressed about before that and all I think I know the underlying reasons...its just knowing any of that does not really help, because I still feel the same and still get set off. I mean I guess I get into a certain state sometimes when I get set off and sometimes i worry I won't be able to return from it basically. I mean sometimes I just feel really anxious and on edge for a bit and may have a hard time controlling myself and end up hitting things or whatever...but sometimes it goes beyond that into kind of extreme apathy, or something to that effect. I feel this would be easier if these things were easier to describe.

Maybe there is some other underlying thing though, not sure though.

[Hellion]

Originally Posted by beauflow

Hellion
i do that a lot with different sorts of situations and emotions.... I try to remind myself-- as you mention-- **** IT!! does not really solve things with some situations... Unless of course I am "letting go of something that needs to be let go of".. which then it is rationalized in my twisted head to make it more positive than the **** it.

Yeah exactly, I've gotten into some not so great situations with the whole 'f*** it.' mindset, because its not in the good way like letting go of something that needs to be.

I am not fully following this one- partially am I think-
I can feel weak when i feel like I am losing or taring apart with conflict with things: "emotions" i suppose you could call them-- Also with thoughts- I.e. Right now with my issues i am at times confused with what is "right" or "wrong" or if both are grey and none are to the extreme. I get told to remind myself to not really take the outsiders in-- to listen to my heart, my logical side, and what does that tell me... don't get so down and out basically if others' disagree.

Yeah that is what I mean, I just hate that emotions or whatever I feel can be intense enough to make me have to sit in a corner as if there will be impending doom any minute for instance...I mean does not do a lot for my self esteem I guess. But sometimes when I get set off it goes beyond that sort of thing and I'll start getting rather agressive about it like trying to fight it or whatever like instead of hide or get the hell out mode I go into fight to the death mode(maybe not literally but that is the best comparison I can come up with).

I can get to a point with myself with-- I will always be a messed up person due to my past, due to all the things, There is no "cure" for someone like me...... I get this way from time to time- I am not sure if this is like your giving in and isolation- but it does isolate me and I begin to put up walls.. It is negative-- I have trouble at times getting out of this, but some how some thing in me says- Ya know- I am trying, I am not as worse as some people in my past, I am in ways smarter than others in my past as well.... And i can flip to the side of those mother****ers that ****ed me over have ****ed over my life!! Lot of anger-- but ya know it is important to know-- anger is not bad- I have to tell myself that constantly-- anger is an emotion, and yeah what does it mean is what it is to figure out-- validation, lack of caring, etc.... I am still working on things, but I hope one day to have more clarity.

Well to be honest I am pretty convinced there is no cure or anything for the PTSD or my other issues, hence I'll probably always be a messed up person...I guess I am kind of trying to accept that as I don't see it changing anytime soon...but I guess I haven't totally given up on life yet since I'm still here well in the physical sense sometimes the in the mental sense can be debatable.

That third tid bit on me can relate to your thinking of it is already too late as well--
Ya know-A part of me thinks: I don't think it is ever too late as long as with in some time things are realized and worked on- I don't mean to once again use my father as an example (have a few time here recently in other threads)- he is product of a lot of my pain coupled with much more other things; HOWEVER-- I saw as I got older and he got older he did grow--- at least there was one day he granted permission to have emotions... In his 60's he told me that he saw so much of him in me, and that he wished that I would be able to talk more and get my emotions out rather then keeping them all to myself, as he did...... He wished me to be better.... I try, it is a struggle-- I can get despaired with it all as well; but some times all we can do is try... that is what I tell me...

Yeah trying and failing seems to be all I can do, I mean it seems it always comes with failing...like I'm just trying to simply live and I feel I kind of fail at life. I mean its kinda depressing it seems my only option is SSI...if I can even get approved.

I am sorry if that is not helpful but it is worth a shot- I some times feel I am an odd ball with things so I can understand if i missed the whole picture. But at any rate hugsto you It may be a struggle but ya know- perhaps hope is what keeps us going with getting better, and the trying and seeing progress as time goes by helps with that hope to keep alive.. maybe? I know at times I can lose hope, I can refuse to see the progress or feel like reverting- none the less- ya get back up to try again I think due to many are strong to- even though at times we may believe we are weak.. I am sorry if I sound contradicting but I can be a tetor totter with which side am I on with what I think or feel....

Also I don't see any progress, I mean it seems like there is more of the opposite...as for hope I seriously don't have much of that, I mean I really don't think anything will work out or that anything will improve...as much as I might attempt to tell myself that. I guess I am not very good at optimism.

Anyways it helps some just talking about it so thanks for your input.

[Spiderlegs]

Channeling your energy into something productive is the only thing I know to do when you get the blues so bad ya can't stand another minute of it. But lately, everything I try to do turns to more disappointment! Seems like every day is a brand new pain to get over with my family.

Last week my granddaughter and her husband and baby decided that they wanted to spend the day with me. I was over paying one to do some work because they need the money and preparing a big lunch for them all. They said to be sure to be up early, because they'd be here first thing. I was so happy to have a day with them. Yesterday I shopped and bought all their favorite foods, left a message to see if there was anything else they wanted and got up bright and early to get it all ready.

And I waited. 9 a.m., 10 a.m. 11 a.m. Nothing.

Finally I called, always fearing some horrible thing having happened to them!
But it was just the usual reason. They forgot. Yes, they're busy, it's true. The day was THEIR idea, the day they picked and still they forgot.

I think being ignored to death is the worst trauma there is.

[Open Eyes]

((((Spider))))

I am so sorry that happened to you my friend. Oh, that was not nice of them to do that to you, that was very disrespectful of them. That would get me down too, and yes I would be hurt.

I am not going to say any kind of "just" here, because there isn't one in my opinion.
You deserve to be validated for being hurt and given (((Gentle caring HUGS)))))

Open Eyes

[Open Eyes]

PTSD is very hard to deal with, and it is very important to have a good therapist that can keep you directed and also be there to validate you. Also the support here is good too because lets face it, it can get really lonely at times.

My therapist keeps telling me that I CAN get better and that with PTSD there are ups and downs as you are progressing through it so it can feel like you are only treading water sometimes.

Wow, can I relate to everything being said here about the struggle. I recognized the anger in myself as well.

I was invited to go to a horse show today and watch my daughter ride. I struggle to find a way to say, I would love to but I am just not ready because the truth is, I am not ready to be around that group of people yet. And my daughter is not at the point where she will listen to WHY.

I had something scheduled for work today that got cancelled and I was actually glad because I was not doing well today. The one good thing about what I do is that I am always around people I do not know so I don't get triggered, thank god for that. But I know in many ways I am struggling and not anywhere near where I was before I suffered the loss of my animals and business from my neighbor's dog. And to be honest, I still get so angry about that too.

I just keep reminding myself to be kind to myself and that does really help a lot. I was thinking today, if I could just think about everything without the emotions that riddle me with crippling days, gee why can't I do that sometimes?

And when other people make invalidating remarks I have to sternly remind myself that these people truely do not see the struggle. I have to remind myself that if I didn't have it myself, I too would probably not get it, could even make the wrong statements that suggests the "justs" we hate to hear so much.

The one thing I DO know is that we cannot run away from it. We HAVE TO LEARN TO BE PATIENT and continue to take one day at a time, and ofcourse be kind to ourselves.

(((Hugs to all, I hear you))))
Open Eyes

[Spiderlegs]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

((((Spider))))

I am so sorry that happened to you my friend. Oh, that was not nice of them to do that to you, that was very disrespectful of them. That would get me down too, and yes I would be hurt.

I am not going to say any kind of "just" here, because there isn't one in my opinion.
You deserve to be validated for being hurt and given (((Gentle caring HUGS)))))

Open Eyes

I don't mean to hijack a thread, but the title caught my eye...I feel SO crappy! I just need this to stop. Open Eyes, don't baby me...I'm losing all objectivity...is it true this would bother most people?? I told them it it bothers me, and now I will have hell to pay. This bunch works like this...they do something crappy, I am blamed and punished. That's just the way it is and has always been. You have no idea how many times I've told myself, just forget it, ignore it, don't say a word! I'm so tired of feeling like crying all the time. Some years ago I stopped crying and just got mad! They'll never forgive me for it.
I moved back here to be 'close to my kids', especially this granddaughter with a new baby at 18....how could I have forgotten how awful it was and they were the reason I left 9 years ago! I AM so annoyed with myself for hoping it would be different. Shortly after I moved here last year, I was SO sick...85 lbs...perpetual diareah (can't spell it!), back was out, couldn't even get up the stairs and then the shingles on top of it. Then I couldn't breathe and found out the place was infested with mold they cleverly covered up. I paid an inspector (another 'relative'), but he missed it. I was so sick and alone in a new place. But busy doing all the decorations, buying the dresses, flowers, etc for this granddaughter's wedding. One day my daughter emails me and says she's coming by after work (only about a mile from me) to have dinner with me at 4:30. I was so thrilled! 4:30 came, 5:30, 6:30...finally I called. She was in a bar getting tossed with her girlfriends...she's 44 years old. She 'forgot'.

Why can't I face the fact that none of these people have any use for me?
And when I say it, they just tell me "you're crazy".

SO tired!

[Open Eyes]

(((Spider)))),

I am not babying you, I am validating you because you DO NEED THAT. Who else does that for you? No one right? I know what that feels like.

Ok, from what you are discribing here you have been told by their actions and disrespect that THEY ARE NOT GOING TO CHANGE. And YOU CANNOT MAKE THEM CHANGE. So what you have to do is stop offering yourself up as a punching bag.
It sounds like you are TRYING to reach out and be a part of them BUT THEY ONLY HAND YOU DISRESPECT.

No I have not heard THEIR SIDE in this so I cannot give you TOTAL INSIGHT. But I definitely can SEE YOU ARE TRYING TO REACH OUT.

I did write you a long post somewhere else, and I don't think you have read it, I think it was in Isolating.

What I think is going on is that they are somehow punishing you from THEIR PAIN somewhere. Now, this doesn't always come out even. I know this because I have been addressing this myself. I struggled A LOT and ALMOST DIED MYSELF and yet I did still keep up with MY DAUGHTER'S IMPORTANT WORLD. And even though I have NOT BEEN TREATED FAIRLY, I got strong enough to HEAR MY DAUGHTER TALK ABOUT "HER" PAIN. Now, I could have stood my ground and INVALIDATED HER, but I DIDN'T because even though I DID REALLY STRUGGLE MYSELF, in her way, SO DID SHE.

Spider, one of the biggest problems with many human beings is the INABILITY TO SEE OUTSIDE THEIR "OWN" PAIN. Now, when I read your discription of YOUR LIFE, wow, you sure had a LOT to deal with. But where were your children in all of this? And this is what I had to WILL MYSELF TO SEE AS WELL. Now I am sure you tried to do whatever you could TO JUST SURVIVE and BOY WERE YOU CHALLENGED "EVERY STEP OF THE WAY". And when I really think about how "I" struggled and what my daughter says about her feelings, if I put myself in "her" shoes, I am sure there WERE TIMES WHEN SHE DID FEEL ALONE and I WAS WAY TO CHALLENGED TO STOP AND SEE HER PAIN SOMETIMES MYSELF. I know I was tired alot, and moody because I HAD A LOT ON MY PLATE. The truth was as she was THERE TOO, I failed at making sure she FELT SAFE SOMEHOW. But IT WAS NOT MY FAULT AND I DAM WELL KNOW I TRIED but I NEVER GOT TO SEE IT ALL FROM "HER" EYES.

YES, I KNOW ALL ABOUT THE LABEL "CRAZY" and BELIEVE ME I EARNED EVERY LETTER OF THAT WORD AND THEN SOME, but SHE DOESN'T TRUELY SEE THAT, SHE ONLY SEES "HER" PAIN. Wow is that hard to digest.

Well, I am not going to rewrite my other post here. And I am not going to invalidate you because BELIEVE ME, I HAVE FOUGHT SOME HARD BATTLES MYSELF. No I somehow don't get credit for that LIKE I SHOULD. And that is because OTHER PEOPLE DON'T ALWAYS SEE THAT BECAUSE THEY CAN'T GET PAST THEIR OWN PAIN. If you look on page 3 in isolating I replied to your questions Spider. I tried to do my best to address you, remember, I am trying to do my best from what I see.

It doesn't seem fair I KNOW, ME TOO. But that is the way it is.

Sannah actually pointed me in the right direction when I was struggling and you can read that thread called Sannah in the abuse forum. I was really struggling one day and got the answer that was ALWAYS THE ANSWER FROM MY DAD. And Sannah said, OTHER PEOPLE ARE NOT GOING TO SEE IT UNLESS "THEY" GET THERAPY TOO.

It got me to thinking, and SHE IS RIGHT.

Open Eyes

[Hellion]

Originally Posted by Spiderlegs

Channeling your energy into something productive is the only thing I know to do when you get the blues so bad ya can't stand another minute of it. But lately, everything I try to do turns to more disappointment! Seems like every day is a brand new pain to get over with my family.

Last week my granddaughter and her husband and baby decided that they wanted to spend the day with me. I was over paying one to do some work because they need the money and preparing a big lunch for them all. They said to be sure to be up early, because they'd be here first thing. I was so happy to have a day with them. Yesterday I shopped and bought all their favorite foods, left a message to see if there was anything else they wanted and got up bright and early to get it all ready.

And I waited. 9 a.m., 10 a.m. 11 a.m. Nothing.

Finally I called, always fearing some horrible thing having happened to them!
But it was just the usual reason. They forgot. Yes, they're busy, it's true. The day was THEIR idea, the day they picked and still they forgot.

I think being ignored to death is the worst trauma there is.

Oh sorry that happened....I mean sometimes I feel I am more the one ignoring my family because i don't want them to see my symptoms. But I do hate if i have something planned with people and then they are too busy...just does not feel very good. So I can kind of relate, I mean I hate feeling ignored...I already feel so isolated.

[Hellion]

Originally Posted by Spiderlegs

I don't mean to hijack a thread, but the title caught my eye...I feel SO crappy! I just need this to stop. Open Eyes, don't baby me...I'm losing all objectivity...is it true this would bother most people?? I told them it it bothers me, and now I will have hell to pay. This bunch works like this...they do something crappy, I am blamed and punished. That's just the way it is and has always been. You have no idea how many times I've told myself, just forget it, ignore it, don't say a word! I'm so tired of feeling like crying all the time. Some years ago I stopped crying and just got mad! They'll never forgive me for it.
I moved back here to be 'close to my kids', especially this granddaughter with a new baby at 18....how could I have forgotten how awful it was and they were the reason I left 9 years ago! I AM so annoyed with myself for hoping it would be different. Shortly after I moved here last year, I was SO sick...85 lbs...perpetual diareah (can't spell it!), back was out, couldn't even get up the stairs and then the shingles on top of it. Then I couldn't breathe and found out the place was infested with mold they cleverly covered up. I paid an inspector (another 'relative'), but he missed it. I was so sick and alone in a new place. But busy doing all the decorations, buying the dresses, flowers, etc for this granddaughter's wedding. One day my daughter emails me and says she's coming by after work (only about a mile from me) to have dinner with me at 4:30. I was so thrilled! 4:30 came, 5:30, 6:30...finally I called. She was in a bar getting tossed with her girlfriends...she's 44 years old. She 'forgot'.
SO tired!
Why can't I face the fact that none of these people have any use for me?
And when I say it, they just tell me "you're crazy".

It's alright...you're fursterated and overwhelmed and need to vent some...I understand. But yeah my sister is kind of the forgetful type so if she plans to see me I don't plan on it since it can change any minute...though I am glad for the times I do get to see her.

But yeah that all sounds very stressful and i'm sorry you have to deal with it...sorry I don't really have a solution for it.

And I understand feeling tired from everything, even though I am only 22 years old.

[beauflow]

Bohogyspsy

You know the saying ‘Blinded by rage/anger’.

Guilty of that myself- understanding a little more with go clean up something-- I have been with going and doing this on my own but the last year or two I for some reason started to think that I was ignoring issues and becoming more emotional as I was when younger... perhaps in ways am with some things which is unleashing at points a raging monster, perhaps in ways just giving a cool off time with it.... IDK- Some issues I wonder how long have I really been ignoring-- perhaps even when I was child, which now at 25 is not doing me any good... oh geez.

Hellion

'll start getting rather agressive about it like trying to fight it or whatever like instead of hide or get the hell out mode I go into fight to the death mode

Know that feeling- Ready For Battle!!! and then later I think wtf am I battling about-- I think Bohogysp hit a lot of the channeling energy- It is rough I must say even for me.
Hellion

Yeah trying and failing seems to be all I can do, I mean it seems it always comes with failing...like I'm just trying to simply live and I feel I kind of fail at life.

I get that way too -- But I try to remind myself- It is a negative outlook, negative follows negative-- try to find some positive in the manner- Perhaps it is blowing sunshine up where the sun don't shine, but even if for a moment I can get out of my negative down fall of this felling, is better than being stuck there for eternity. I hope you find some thing for yourself on a outlook of your life--- I can even go as far to say- look at what everyone else, are most of them even doing anything really meaningful besides "Living" as I do just in a different way-- sometimes that does make me feel better due to I then see everyone as ordinary- and not better than myself or lesser than myself.
Hellion

Also I don't see any progress, I mean it seems like there is more of the opposite...as for hope I seriously don't have much of that, I mean I really don't think anything will work out or that anything will improve...as much as I might attempt to tell myself that. I guess I am not very good at optimism.

Postive thinking at times and Perception can be a wonderful thing some times-- I know at times, I can get down with thinking I am lying to myself- that this earth of people is really nothing-- but to be honest with a little flower that comes up and says there is some beauty, and I see it's beauty; it can make me smile.
Hellion can i ask one thing- I do this sometimes in my head and it does make me feel better so I will share it with you and yes I should do it with writing at times I will admit-- but think back 5 years ago- where were you, have you learned anything from the time that has past? I find it hard to believe that a person has not grown with in time- I find it possibly with all of us, even if at times we took a few steps back a one time.... Could we every really start back at square one, if we had some skills taught as time went on? Perhaps step 1.5; but if we are "back" at 1.5- we have learned some things as time has went on.
In addition you have reached out here on PC-- is that something you had done 5 years ago? to talk about some things?
Just some things to think about perhaps.

Also about the cure thing-- one thing that makes me giggle when I am down (perhaps this is negative but it is true at the same time) There is no cure for human kind

Spiderlegs:

I think being ignored to death is the worst trauma there is.

OMG you can read my mind can't you-- Ignoring me is like saying I am not to be exsiting in one's mind (or at least it is what I see from it- I have yet to have a different preception on it-- I can understand people busy but when they ignore me on something- it gets under my skin- hugs to you as well.

Open Eyes ((Hugs)) You are one to keep saying that we can get better- It is something constant with you- which I do think is a good thing- you don't lie about it either with being a struggle due to it is a struggle. I remember one time I was telling my boyfriend- I would hold more anger if someone told me as a child that things would be easy-- i seriously would- i get mad even to this day with such statements of it-.. I sometimes have to wonder though- will wounds every fully truly heal or just be minded as time goes on and less ripped opened by other things.... I know no one has that answer but I just wonder. Thanks for being positive as you always are.
And yes-- Therapy I am sure does wonders... with the right therapist

PTSD=== There is still so much to learn -- It is really a puzzle for human beings.. People can go through similar things and some how the result be differently.

Hugs to you all- sorry i wrote back a long thing-- sorry if I am overstepping some things-- i just felt like needing to say.

[Hellion]

Originally Posted by beauflow

Hellion Know that feeling- Ready For Battle!!! and then later I think wtf am I battling about-- I think Bohogysp hit a lot of the channeling energy- It is rough I must say even for me.

Yeah that is one of the more recent symptoms, I don't really remember having as much before my last panic attack episode thing that included way to much adrenaline...or at least that is how it felt don't know what other brain/body chemical does that. Hell if it wasn't for the panic attack symptoms I might have enjoyed the other(though I don't know that is a good thing). I just don't want to do something totally irrational and dangerous and get myself injured or worse. I feel like in that state I could have easily done something like that considering I got a bit freaked out by cars driving slowly by the house(they were slowing down for the sharp turn but in my crazy perspective, they were slowing down to stare). So I had a strong urge to dive off the porch onto the next car(quite a drop actually) and let loose on the hood and the windshield and well you get the idea...not good at all.

I get that way too -- But I try to remind myself- It is a negative outlook, negative follows negative-- try to find some positive in the manner- Perhaps it is blowing sunshine up where the sun don't shine, but even if for a moment I can get out of my negative down fall of this felling, is better than being stuck there for eternity. I hope you find some thing for yourself on a outlook of your life--- I can even go as far to say- look at what everyone else, are most of them even doing anything really meaningful besides "Living" as I do just in a different way-- sometimes that does make me feel better due to I then see everyone as ordinary- and not better than myself or lesser than myself.

Postive thinking at times and Perception can be a wonderful thing some times-- I know at times, I can get down with thinking I am lying to myself- that this earth of people is really nothing-- but to be honest with a little flower that comes up and says there is some beauty, and I see it's beauty; it can make me smile.

I guess I just have more to be negative about. There are some things that can bring me some enjoyment, but even that is usually kind of is overshadowed by how I feel. I mean it does not really seem to matter how I try and think about things.

can i ask one thing- I do this sometimes in my head and it does make me feel better so I will share it with you and yes I should do it with writing at times I will admit-- but think back 5 years ago- where were you, have you learned anything from the time that has past? I find it hard to believe that a person has not grown with in time- I find it possibly with all of us, even if at times we took a few steps back a one time.... Could we every really start back at square one, if we had some skills taught as time went on? Perhaps step 1.5; but if we are "back" at 1.5- we have learned some things as time has went on.
In addition you have reached out here on PC-- is that something you had done 5 years ago? to talk about some things?
Just some things to think about perhaps.

5 years ago I was hoping to graduate highschool and get out of that hell hole via college. Then I think my plan was law school. What I've learned is running from PTSD does not work and actually makes the symptoms worse, pushing myself too hard= burn out...its not nice what the mental disorders I have do to my brain we went in detail in psychology class in college. Oh I've also learned if things can get worse they probably will in at least some way or another. People can be quite nasty and should not be trusted easily. Anyways I don't really see that as much growth more like things getting gradually worse..sorry to be so depressing.

Also about the cure thing-- one thing that makes me giggle when I am down (perhaps this is negative but it is true at the same time) There is no cure for human kind

I would have to agree there.