Does anyone know of any studies that address adoption and ptsd? And specifically how adoption can or does affect the adoptee?

I know there are many people out there that think of the process (especially the scenario where an infertile coUple tries endlessly to have the own bio children to no avail and then to adopt as a plan b) as a win/win to both parties but that doesn't make sense to me. As a human being knowing your bio parents didn't want you and the adoptive parents see you as a consolation prize. It certainly does not feel like a winning combo.
Especially when like in many cases the adoptive parents suddenly and miraculously get pregnant thus deeming their bio kid a "miracle”.

Just wondering. Thanks!

[Open Eyes]

Wow Rose, that IS an interesting question. I would imagine if the child was neglected or abused in some way on top of being adopted it could cause that person to wonder about not being wanted somehow even more.

I had a good friend for many years and she was adopted. She was close to her father, but the mother was not a really loving mother, kind of all business like. I always remember her talking about her mother as being kind of cold, but as I said her father doted on her.
She had a sister that was adopted too, there were no natural children in the mix.
I think it depends on how much love and nurturing is there as I said.

It is a good question, did you search it online?

Open Eyes

[unaluna]

in the past few years for my own work with T I read a few books about adoption. They came up in my google searches because of the really difficult attachment issues the children have, and how the adoptive parents can deal with them. The kids just don't understand the language of love; what might seem like a mild correction to a "regular" kid with a more normal sense of attachment can feel like a devastating loss to such an orphan. Which sounded like some of my reactions in T. I believe my T also worked with such families, as he was very interested in my books and had some others of his own in the office.

[wisewoman]

Hello, I have a lot of experience with adoption issues that I would like to share. I have frequently observed that children grieve the loss of birth parents and that this is pretty normal. I have had experiences that tell me that despite the popular opinion open adoption may be much more painful especially if the kids were in the foster care system. I will also say that with many friends adopted as infants that they had strong relationships with their families and only wanted to find birth parents for the medical records. Adoption at infancy is preferrable if it can be done.

All of that said, I wonder if life would be easier without kids? More money, less heartache? I don't know but I welcome more conversation about it.

[Nammu]

I am not sure about children that are adopted but I know that kids who remain in the foster system have PTSD almost at almost twice the rate of veterans. Kids in the foster system rarely ever go past high school if that and are usually underemployed, both of those are also factors. I think children who are adopted usually get more support and go farther in school.

[cynderella_77]

A win/win in adoption cannot be achieved if the story of a child's life is that they were not wanted... in order for it to be a 'win',their story must be about a biological parent understanding the depth of a commitment to the child's life that to love them is to be selfless and allow them to bond with and love other parents for the rest of their life (not just until they are 18). That's a tremendous sacrafice from a biological parent! It's unfortunate that most people believe adoption is a betrayal and tend to judge parents who choose adoption.

I believe adoption will affect individuals differently based on their experiences. I have heard of a variety of reactions to adoption. I've met individuals who have never had an interest in finding their biological parents because they were so content in their life that adoption was just a simple fact of their life. I've met individuals who have simply 'felt' different or 'adoption' meant they were different, and just wanted to meet their biological families to connect their own 'different-ness'. I've met others who felt a sense of rejection and wanted to understand why they were not wanted. And of course you have those who have been traumatized by the circumstances in their life (e.g., abuse, foster care) and are just desperately looking for something to get a sense of identity (addiction, incarceration, etc are often common for these individuals).

My personal belief is that it depends on the age of the child at adoption and whether they had experienced trauma before they were adopted. In addition but more importantly, the ability of the adoptive parents to bond with the child and their resolve to make the very intimate connection (as a biological parent/child would connect) has an even greater impact on the child.

Children are resilient, but they MUST have unconditional love and the adoptive parents have to have the capacity to deeply connect (bond)...sometimes I'm not sure adoptive families truly understand what that means. Consequently, very few children who are adopted are so content they do not want to seek their biological parents, but there are some out there. Adoption doesn't have to mean something was missing from the child's life or that the biological parents had questionable character...

I wonder...if our hearts ache for the couple who cannot have biological children and so desperately want to adopt... how can we also have the belief that placing a baby for adoption is such a betrayal?

It's unfortunate that most people believe adoption is a betrayal and tend to judge parents who choose adoption.

I think it's more unfortunate for a child to grow up feeling like a Plan B or Consolation Prize.

I wonder...if our hearts ache for the couple who cannot have biological children and so desperately want to adopt... how can we also have the belief that placing a baby for adoption is such a betrayal?

Perhaps it's because many of the desperate parents-to-be insist on having an "infant" (which seems sort of selfish and conditional to me. I mean if they really wanted to have a family why be so picky. There are plenty of children here in the US that desperately need unconditionally loving homes).

How can it not be perceived as a betrayal when a child is literally being given away to someone else? A human being? Not a dog or a cat.

My sister and her husband had to adopt because she lost her ovaries to ovarian cancer at the age of 12. Her birth mother was very young and chose to offer a more stable life to her child. It wasn't about rejection at all. They adopted their daughter who was brought into a large extended family and who was always just another member of the family. We really didn't think of her as anything less than a daughter, a niece, a cousin, a grandchild, etc. She was well-adjusted, delightful, and felt fully loved. She is now married and has a beautiful son. Her mother, by the way, died from cancer just over a year ago. She grieved the loss of the mother who raised her and loved her all those years.

My sister and her husband took in girls who were expecting at one point while she was still well. They would live with them throughout the pregnancy. My sister was with them at the births. Almost all of them chose to offer their child to a family having seen the loving and stable environment that could be available to their children. It wasn't a requirement and there was no pressure, but they were given the space to think things through and make a decision for their child, whatever they decided.

My niece has always been thankful to her birth-mother for loving her enough to offer her a home and family that was so nurturing for her. She has never felt betrayed by her birth-mother at all. Giving a child up for adoption is an agonizing decision for these girls.

((((farmergirl)))) that is a lovely story, and I am so sorry for your family's loss(es).

Thank you for sharing your interesting and informative perspective.

Adoption rearing its (ugly) head for me. Again. My first cousin and her husband emailed me out of the blue yesterday to introduce me to their new infant daughter that "they'd been waiting for...for three years".

I sent congratulations and asked where they were registered.

I saw pix of the baby and I felt nothing (except maybe slightly disgusted). And I saw photos of my cousin beaming at her baby girl, and she looked ugly to me.

Seriously. OK, I know I have problems (this is definitely trigger for me. I understand my POV may be distorted due to my own (bad) experience; however, WTH?!)

What in the world? I mean they really wanted children and could not get pregnant. SO they WAITED for three years for...AN INFANT!

No, they didn't want any ol' child. and they didn't want any 'headaches' or "extra work" associated with an older child?

They wanted a brand new shiny baby. This is WHY I have such a hard time with the whole adoption issue when it comes to this specific scenario:

When couples want to have children (whom they claim "desperately"), cannot have their own biologically, decide to go to Plan B but insist on waiting for an infant...FOR THREE YEARS!!...WTH (you cannot want a FAMILY that badly, right?).

In the meantime, there are plenty of children in every state, in every county that are being neglected, abused, are alone ... just praying and hoping for a family to love them.

I just don't understand it. It seems so incredibly selfish to me. The whole business is just ugly.

[Open Eyes]

((((Rose)))),

I can relate to why you would be upset and even a bit angry. What you don't realize is that often times when a couple want to have a child, they are first time parents and what they want is a (baby). Women are designed to WANT A BABY when they are at an age where it is right to start a family.

Now, if a woman has had time to raise a child and gain experience of the different stages of nurturing a baby to a child and that they CAN do that successfully, they are more apt to be open to adopting a child verses an infant.

In your own experience you were exposed to caring for children that were your SO's children and you did well with them and even got attached to them. So you already know that CAN happen and CAN be rewarding. And you CAN actually see yourself adopting an older child. But remember, the children that YOU were exposed to also already had a loving father that they bonded to. A child that is older may not have that and some children never learn HOW to bond and can be more of a challenge to raise verses an infant who can still learn to bond. So there is also a lot more risk involved with adopting an older child, there really is.

Now I have been around foster children and some of them are very lovable and appreciative, but it all depends on what they have in their background. I have met people who want to adopt the foster children they take in because they have found these particular children very accepting, loving and, well, they end up getting very attached to them. However that is NOT always the case, some children can be unresponsive and heartbreaking because they do not respond to even the most caring kind guidance and love.

It really takes knowledge to raise an older child that can be more easily adopted. So for a couple like you are discribing, their choice may be a wiser choice for them as well as for the child they adopt.

I don't know the people you are talking about here, but hopefully they are not just doing the adoption this way because it is THE THING TO DO THAT IS "DESIGNER" and a must have.

Also remember that your mother did not bond with you, she just wasn't that type, not your fault. So you KNOW what it feels like to MISS something but BE WORTHY and deserving and you really feel that ALL children deserve to have that hole filled no matter what age they are. You have had enough love from your father that you do know it is appreciated.

Try to keep an open mind and remember that when you are upset, it doesn't mean you are lacking or don't deserve to be upset. But you have to have a more open mind. Remember,a part of you is still feeling denied.

((((Hugs))))
Open Eyes

THANK YOU SO MUCH ((((OE))))! That helped a lot! I see things differently now.

[Nammu]

I've never understood it either. I think you are brave to voice these things out loud, because mostly we're not supposed to say things like this, yet I wonder how many others wonder the same thing. Those millions of foster kids who need homes so desperately--and their wait gets longer every day they age.

Originally Posted by sidestepper

I've never understood it either. I think you are brave to voice these things out loud, because mostly we're not supposed to say things like this, yet I wonder how many others wonder the same thing. Those millions of foster kids who need homes so desperately--and their wait gets longer every day they age.

Thanks ((((Sidestepper))))! I've heard people say flat out they don't want an older child because it can come with baggage, and they don't want to have to deal with it, so they will wait forever for an infant, so they can try to minimize risk and "mold the child" to their liking.

Also, they think single pregnant teenagers are the perfect target market because they are least likely to have a "past" other than having sex out of wedlock and being stupid enough to get pregnant. (let's face it, most of them DO NOT use birth control) And then find themselves in a predicament.

Then comes the "screening" the bio parents background (any mental illness in the family, health issues, etc.) If things are all clear, they are happy to adopt the infant. But I bet these adoptive parents wouldn't take a kid that came from a background that had any type of serious illness running in the family. Another headache to worry about.

Unfortunately, it appears (bottom line) since they cannot have bio kids, what these people really want are mirror images of themselves (or close to it as possible) and forget the nature/nurture value in the equation.

Even if they had their own bio kids, the adoptive parents (and many bio parents) they don't even remotely think of the child as an individual being that has a brain of it's own...it's easier then with an adoptive kid to write it off as they are defective and "sick" if there are any problems. Rather than taking responsiblity as parents and seeing it as a team matter.

((((Rose))))

[Nammu]

To me that screening process is terribly scary. The implications are so scary and the slippery slope of genetics testing that is becoming possible is even more frightening.

There are SO many things we can not screen for, and the truth of it is when you have your own child, you get whatever you get. If it isn't good enough what are you going to then, throw it away? (you can throw kids away psychologically as well as physically) A few years ago in one state parents were dropping of their older kids(teens) as too hard to handle. My ex husband was the oldest of three very handsome boys, and until he had spinal meningitis at 6 years old and became deaf he was adored. After that, his parents divorced blaming each other for his deafness(he lived knowing it was his fault!-not true-but!!) and his step-father beat him, even held a gun to his head(no communication-the family did not want to learn monkey language), he was sent off to boarding school and not allowed home for breaks-because his mom was embarrassed having a child that was different. Like me he wore a huge central hearing aid in a halter on the outside of his clothes-In his mothers economic status this was just too humiliating-having an inferior son! Gave him hand-me downs,and salvation army clothes(his folks were the 1% in Malibu! So much for California openness(yes I know-it's not an all or nothing thing) This was their own child--I do not understand parents like this. Later despite the community knowing about all of this she(his mom) was able to adopt two twin girls(yes as babies-one died in suspicious circumstances. I guess the rules for the ultra rich are different, maybe the times too, it was the 70's when she got the girls.

If people are not willing to take any child no matter the possible genetics, I think that should be grounds for disqualifications for ability to be adoptive or foster parents unless they are ruled incapable of handling the stress that could come with a special needs child. Then their ability to be adoptive parents should be questioned as most teens are special needs kids. (I said most-not all)

Things happen in life. Once you have a child you cannot just hand it back. And yes, I'm one of those who think parenting classes should be mandatory no matter the age or wealth of the parents, weather nor not they are the keeping the child or not. I truly believe that every time a guy donates sperm, he should have to go to parenting classes, even if he wants nothing more to do with the child. It might help cut down a wee bit on the number of sperm donor's running around from one woman to another and not paying child support-education & knowledge is great stuff.

Because of the psychological ramifications of what happened to my ex. I do hold him responsible for his own behavior-but understand where much of his anger came from. I believe people who want to adopt should have to volunteer with foster kids while they await their "perfect" screened baby. It might make them appreciate the beauty of all children. I was so very lucky to have parents who treated me no different than any other child, OK they did expect more from me but that had nothing to do with my Deafness or other people's view that I should be institutionalized-that had to do with me being me. They expected more from me because I nailed mostly good grades without trying, and voraciously read everything under the sun, was an average athlete and significant artist and made friends easily(before my world fell apart-thanks to a predator), No I was not great looking, I was no model with blond hair and naturally thin bones. Just Average. But the point is my parents treated me no different and expected no less. My ability to compartmentalize and create different "mes" to handle the abuse got me though my childhood with the parents I had. Without them I would not be alive. I had lessons, expectations, chores and was expected to behave like my sisters and relatives. For that I love parents. They never treated me special or different! What happens to the adopted children who are so screened but if they catch a disease anyway and become handicapped? What if is turns out to be a genetic disease? I hope the parents can be as good as mine were. I think this screening process is a set up for false hope, it's bot the babies and children that need to be screened-but the future parents and agencies that think screening is something useful.

Sorry this is so long. The more I thought about this and remembered my "ex" and his childhood the madder I got. I'll understand if this is deleted for being to angry or something.

[PiperLeigh]

Many of this thread's stereotypes of adopting parents makes me sad. I have two beautiful children that joined my family through adoption. They were not us "settling" on having something other than biological children. We weren't looking to have "perfect" babies. We have lots of love and are so blessed by our children being our lives. I don't doubt there are some lousy adoptive parents, just like there are lousy biological parents. I just find it a bit hurtful to see adoptive parents intentions and motivations so maligned with such a broad stroke in many comments here.

Originally Posted by PiperLeigh

Many of this thread's stereotypes of adopting parents makes me sad. I have two beautiful children that joined my family through adoption. They were not us "settling" on having something other than biological children. We weren't looking to have "perfect" babies. We have lots of love and are so blessed by our children being our lives. I don't doubt there are some lousy adoptive parents, just like there are lousy biological parents. I just find it a bit hurtful to see adoptive parents intentions and motivations so maligned with such a broad stroke in many comments here.

I am really sorry if the thread makes you feel sad or if it is hurtful to you. I am so glad you spoke up.

I have a few questions (if you don't mind answering): Why did you decide to adopt? Did you specifically intend to adopt an infant or a younger child? Did you go through a reputable service or lawyer that "screens" the background of the bio family? Did you go out of the country for a child instead of looking in your own backyard? Did you go with an open or closed adoption? Do you have paperwork for your adoptive children regarding their birth parents that explains why their bio parents' gave them up for adoption along with a "vague" background? Do your children know they are adopted?

I am sorry if my questions are too personal. I am very curious and have an open mind if you would like to share.

And again, I am sorry the thread hurt you. or others.

[PiperLeigh]

Why did you decide to adopt?

God gave us lots of love and a desire for children. There are hundreds of thousands of children in this world who need homes. Adopting seemed like a good way to have a family.

Did you specifically intend to adopt an infant or a younger child?
We didnt set out for anything. Opportunities came and we just acted as we were led. First child was nearly a year old when she joined our family. She was adopted from Central America after we saw the need for families for orphans there. The local families were not able/willing to adopt many of the children. We didnt just adopt a child and want to ignore the plight of children and families down there. My husband ended up founding a nonprofit that is now very actively engaged in helping provide free medical care, food, and educational opportunities for kids down there. He visits the region regularly and we have a number of sponsors that take teams down all thrughout the year. The next trip is in two weeks. That daughter is now six years old. She absolutely knows she was born inn Central America and helps with the projects down there; the last project she helped with was making Christmas stocking for kids at the orphanage and collecting eye glasses for one of our medical clinics. (She has beautiful cinnamon skin and I have to giggle when people ask if she knows she is adopted. She tells people we are a "snicker doodle family" because our skin colors don't "match" but all together, we make a good blend.) She has a Life Book we created for her that has a story of how she joined our family and we actively encourage her to talk about her thoughts on being adopted when she wants to. She will say things like "I love my first mother"- and we hug her and tell her we do too. She loves her birth culture and we're thrilled she gets such an upfront look at it.

Second child was over a year old when she joined our family. She was going into permanent foster care several states away due to gross neglect. We got a call asking if we would adopt her. She is of a mixed race black/white and a number of families were not willing to adopt her as a result. We enthusiastically said sure. Before coming home, I was with her in a children's hospital for four days, but she has been in wonderful health since. She is beautiful, smart, and incredibly affectionate. I never expected to have another daughter, so when we got that call asking if we wanted to become parents again, I was thrilled. She cannot have contact with her birth mother because she is unsafe to be around, but she does have ongoing open contact with her grandparents and cousins. They live six states away, but we travel to see them at least once a year. It's important to us she have a connection with her birth family. And honestly, many adopting families feel the same way. The adoption community has learned a lot over the years about the importance of giving children those connections. a big percentage of both foster and private adoptions now involve some level of communication (direct or third party) than in decades past. I think it is a good thing.

Did you go through a reputable service or lawyer that "screens" the background of the bio family?
We hired an attorney to make sure the correct legal procedures were followed so that their placements would not be jeopardized. Every family that adopts should hire an attorney to make sure the proper legal channels are followed. There are significant oversights in place to ensure the children are eligible for adoption and extensive checks on families who are wanting to adopt.

Did you go out of the country for a child instead of looking in your own backyard?
That comes across as a hostile question. But yes and no. Children everywhere need homes. We have one daughter that was born in Central America. We have one daughter that was born "in our backyard." Every child that needs a forever family is worth advocating for, no matter where they were born.

Did you go with an open or closed adoption?
Both our children have connections to their birth families. One, with the orphanage in C.A. and the other with grandparents and cousins.

Do you have paperwork for your adoptive children regarding their birth parents that explains why their bio parents' gave them up for adoption along with a "vague" background?
You really are asking hostile questions here, but yes. We have documentation of the circumstances both children were in that led to them being placed for adoption. Life gives people crummy circumstances sometimes. We can't undo that. We don't and won't hide that. Our life stories are what make us who we are. Neither childs' background is vague. We are very straight forward with what their story is. We did not change either childs' name or try to change their identity. We have no intention of making their stories "pretty." We do our best to answer their questions with honesty and let them know it is okay to be sad (or happy or angry or whatever emotion they are feeling on any given day) about their past. And then we look for appropriate ways to express those emotions.

Do your children know they are adopted?
My husband and I are paste-y white. One daughter has cinnamon colored skin and the other has mocha colored skin. There is no way in the world anyone could think otherwise. But yes. My kids know they joined our family through adoption.

[PiperLeigh]

You know, I think I was just triggered and got upset with this thread and I shouldn't have. I had a crummy bio mom and PTSD from the abuse. Some people have crummy adoptive parents and develop PTSD. I really shouldn't have jumped in. I'm sorry, Rose. I'm sorry you went through what you did. I wish every kid, bio or adopted had good, loving homes and didn't have to struggle with these things. I'm sorry, again. I wish you well.

Originally Posted by PiperLeigh

You know, I think I was just triggered and got upset with this thread and I shouldn't have. I had a crummy bio mom and PTSD from the abuse. Some people have crummy adoptive parents and develop PTSD. I really shouldn't have jumped in. I'm sorry, Rose. I'm sorry you went through what you did. I wish every kid, bio or adopted had good, loving homes and didn't have to struggle with these things. I'm sorry, again. I wish you well.

((((Piper)))) I am sorry you went through what you did, as well. You are sooo fortunate to have children! I would have loved to have kids but Fiance #1 drowned and #2 passed away from cancer. Both had kids from previous marriages. #1 ex and I got along great. #2 ex was a nightmare but I LOVED all of those kids. At every age.

When my guys died, the kids went away, as well (so it was a double loss for me - twice).

I am sure you and your husband are wonderful, loving people. I appreciate that you shared.

((((OE)))) was right on when she wrote : "I don't know the people you are talking about here, but hopefully they are not just doing the adoption this way because it is THE THING TO DO THAT IS "DESIGNER" and a must have."

Yes, my cousin and her husband (and my family in general) are the type that they wouldn't accept anything less than an infant. And I am QUITE POSITIVE they did a thorough background check on the bio family (medical and psychological) and wouldn't have adopted a child of any color other than paste-y white.

And that would have been their right to do so . . . . The process of adoption is long and stressful whether it is of an infant or an older child. It is never a quick process (unless you are some megastar who can "hurry" up the system). A thorough background of the the birth parents is always the best scenario. It isn't always available, but when it is, why on earth would you want any less?

Originally Posted by farmergirl

And that would have been their right to do so . . . . The process of adoption is long and stressful whether it is of an infant or an older child. It is never a quick process (unless you are some megastar who can "hurry" up the system). A thorough background of the the birth parents is always the best scenario. It isn't always available, but when it is, why on earth would you want any less?

((((farmergirl)))) Yah. it is a long stressful process. You want what you can't have. It's like waiting for your Ferrari to finally arrive from Italy. Your trophy car that you've waited so long and hard for.

And I agree. You are validated. It is their right to do whatever they want. it's a free country. yah, and my family is a bunch of megastars, doctors, lawyers, highly educated human beings with lots of contacts. So I do know the process had some "in's" for them.

As for their situation: it doesn't mean that I agree with it or have the same opinion of them that I used to. Nor do I have to like it.

Yes, I sent them congratulations and a baby gift because it's the proper thing to do. But I still have the right to feel the way that I do.

Thank you for adding another point of view.

(and I find it extremely interesting that being adopted myself you found absolutely NO compassion for my situation; yet came to the rescue of all the unwed, (most likely rural white trash, uneducated pregnant kids (sorry to tell you and burst your bubble but I learned first-hand that sometimes it's not as "agonizing" for the birth mother to give up their baby as you claim ) Perhaps instead of bragging about the good deeds you and your family did by taking these girls in and letting them decide what to do with their babies, your time would have been better spent, teaching birth control and or abstinence.

Just a thought.

Cheers,

Sorry to hear you are feeling so much anger about your situation. That comes across loud and clear. I hope the best for you. I really do. Hopefully down the road you may find some peace. Take care.

Originally Posted by farmergirl

Sorry to hear you are feeling so much anger about your situation. That comes across loud and clear. I hope the best for you. I really do. Hopefully down the road you may find some peace. Take care.

((((farmergirl)))) thank you. I appreciate you (passive aggressively validating my feelings and wishing me peace).

And I am sooo grateful I was able to express myself and my feelings and get across exactly how I am feeling without having to sugarcoat it. And for that, thanks to PC and the Moderators for allowing us to have this 'discussion' and not delete or edit this thread.

That is what we are all striving for. Non? Some peace from the abuse. or demons that haunt us.

You have helped me a lot. I appreciate your time and effort(s).

Agree to disagree.

Wishing you happiness and peace along your journey, as well.

[Open Eyes]

((((Rose)))),

I have been following this thread and I was happy that you took in my post and it helped you so much.

I did see you respond to another poster and I could see the PTSD coming through in your reaction. I have experienced this myself and what I like about PC is that it is like a living journal where we can interact with others and experience triggers, can respond with the symptoms that are a hallmark of PTSD and be able to get to that point where we can calm pass the trigger and view our responses.

I had my husband go with me one time to my therapist because my husband was handing me many invalidating responses and it was crippling me. And I know that if I am ever going to work through this horrible PTSD, I have to have someone who CAN support me and give me some sense of safety(and he was failing at that miserably). Well on my way to that therapy my husband was driving and with my husband, he has loud body language and at this point I am SO SENSITIVE that I don't even have to hear him invalidate me, his gesters alone can say it. And I had all I could do to remain calm in that 1/2 hour drive to see my therapist.

Well I worked very hard to plan the discussion in therapy as well. And when I got there there was someone else in the waiting room who had the same time scheduled as me. I had already addressed this issue before where my therapist had overbooked and so that was all I needed to activate the PTSD into upsetting me.

I was lucky because the therapist rescheduled the other patient and took us in. But I was still upset and in the back of my mind had wondered if my therapist would have taken that other patient instead of me had it not been for my husband being present (because that did happen to me before).
So I struggled to concentrate on the session and it was NOT going well either so the rage in the PTSD came out. My therapist opened his eyes wide and looked at me and said, "GEE OE, I HAVE NEVER SEEN YOU ACT LIKE THIS BEFORE" and as he said that I felt outed somehow and that I would lose the respect I needed to have that session help me get my message across. I worked at displaying what I needed from my husband, but that session did not help me really, or it did not bear the fruit that I had wanted it to.

Well, in hindsight, I am a bit disappointed because my therapist BEING A SPECIALIST IN TREATING THE DISORDER should have recognized what that anger I was displaying was all about and that I was triggered. I did get to discuss that with him later though. So in the end I got to discuss they very troubling symptom that we all struggle with when we suffer from PTSD.

Yes, I hear you Rose, no one stopped this thread, you were able to work through it and even express your strong feelings and end up with what you have posted here.
That is what I feel is ACTUAL SUPPORT.

Sometimes it can be much harder when you have two people with opposing feelings/opinions and both are struggling with PTSD. And that is because one of the most difficult issues with anyone struggling with PTSD is boundary issues. And ANY THREAT AT ALL IS MAGNIFIED IN THE BRAIN AND the end result may not SEEM SUPPORTIVE. And if that results in a thread being closed, and both posters get punished somehow, (and this happened to me), that is often what also happened when boundaries were crossed in the past as well. And that is where we need the MOST WORK.

As far as I am concerned if there is an upset it would be so helpful is everyone got together to support each other to find a resolve. I discussed this with my own therapist as well.

My therapist told me that if a disruption happens in a support group he will remove anyone that is involved in the disruption. I don't agree with this. While I can see that it is VERY IMPORTANT TO MAINTAIN SAFETY for the members. I also feel that if these members actually address this specific issue and work through a resolve, then to me that IS more support and can be very productive as well.

Ofcourse for myself, I have been involved in situations where my students reacted poorly in certain situations with other students. And I DID see where one student felt threatened somehow. But instead of putting her down and punishing her, I worked with both of them and it produced a result where there was so much growth and acceptance for both, that I would never change my style of resolve again.

I just personally feel that because boundary issues are the hardest part with PTSD, it would just be so much more supportive if together as a group suffering with PTSD we can support each other in addressing when this occurs.

Yes, Rose, I am glad you got what you needed from YOUR thread. And it has been VERY nice that other posters have also been supportive in that as well. With such a sensitive topic, I would like to thank the other posters for being honest but also taking care to respect Rose here. I can see that the other posters do struggle with PTSD themselves so it was just nice to see how even though there are strong feelings/oppinions, we all managed to see Rose's struggle too.

(((Hugs))))
Open Eyes