Crashing

Wow, I feel like a failure right now. I talked to my attorney because I want him to make sure he sends me a copy of what he is going to present as a demand to the opposing side.

He is not happy that I am asking for that and he also said he doesn't feel like I "trust him" to do a good job. And I did tell him that I didn't care for what happened last year about him "forgetting" the scheduled depositions.
And he said he must have been busy and the other side must have been busy, etc. And then he said that he didn't like me needling him and that his customers don't do that to him. He said he thinks if I am not happy with him that I should get another attorney.

Well, I didn't say that I had been thinking of doing that. What I did say is that I did not see anything wrong with my wanting to see what he intends on presenting to the opposing side as a "demand". And he said that it is not usual that a customer ask that and that is usually left up to him. And I said that I don't see anything wrong with me seeing what he intends on presenting to make sure what is there is correct.

Then he raised his voice at me and said how much he didn't like me "needling over him" and pestering him. Well, it is not like I call him constantly, because I have not talked to him for a month. And to be frank, he told me that the opposing side has not been pestering him for a demand, but he told my daughter they were. Well, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO BELIEVE.

Now I don't know what to do. And if he decides to quit my case what does that mean. I feel like BECAUSE I OPENED MY MOUTH AND SPOKE UP I AM BEING PUNISHED. THIS IS VERY TRIGGERING. And if he does drop me as a client, who knows what that means either. And I CAN'T FIND ANYONE TO HELP ME WITH THIS. AND DON'T SAY CALLED THE COURT BECAUSE THEY WONT ADVISE ME EITHER.

And if this makes a mess, I AM GOING TO BE BLAMED.

I am not doing well today to be honest.

I did call around and could not find another attorney and all the ones I called know my attorney. Well, he was good in his day, but he is old now and I really feel he is slipping and forgetful.

What is wrong with wanting to know what is going to be put in as a demand?

Open Eyes

Oh OE I am so sorry this is going on. How crazy. I don't think you are being out of line by asking to see what it is that he is working on! He is, after all, technically employed by you. Especially after his history of forgetting dispositions, etc, I would want to know as well. It is your right as his client. Can you report him to the BBB?

I don't know a lot about this, but I do know that courts won't tell you anything because clerks aren't allowed to give legal advice. (That info doesnt help you at all, I know.)

I don't think you are in the wrong. I know that probably doesn't help either but I am so sorry. He is supposed to be representing you. I can only send hugs your way and hopes that things improve???

Thanks wolfin,
I had to take a pill, something I don't want to do, took myself off of them because I don't like the side effects.

I am at a loss. I am feeling like a failure too. I just wish I had an attorney that could tell me what I should do. I did call around last year and every attorney I spoke to knew him and told me to be patient and stay on top of him. Well, that has proven to be very difficult and I tried to do that again today and he got angry with me as mentioned above. Like I said, I don't call and pester him all the time. I have not talked to him for a month now since he met with us to discuss the demand. Why is it such a big deal for him to show me what he intends on presenting as a demand?

Am I unreasonable and "needling him"? If he is representing me, why can't I be allowed to review what he is going to present to the opposing side?

And then he asked me how I found him as an attorney. He knows that we found him because he knew my husband for several years at my husband's second job as a bartender. Can't he even remember that? He remembered that at the last deposition. Is he going senil?

I looked up the process of firing and hiring a new attorney. And in my case a new attorney would probably not want to take my case considering the amount of time my attorney has been involved in my case. And even if I did find a new attorney then a new attorney would still have to give my present attorney the agreed 1/3 of whatever is recovered and that means even more of whatever is recovered would have to be shared with yet a new attorney. I honestly feel like I am being pulled apart even more and ground down to never being able to recover what was so unfairly destroyed by my neighbors clear negligence.

I don't know what I expect anyone to say, what can anyone say to this. I am someone that usually has a lot to say about different issues, but with this, I am stumped. I hate PTSD.

Open Eyes

(((Open)))
I am so sorry you are having to deal with this.
First and foremost YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE!!! You are dealing with painfull emotions and stressfull circumstances right now. (((Breath gently))) You are very delicate right now.
I hear your frustration...this is simply more stuff added on top of EVERYTHING else. It can be so overwhelming.
I do not believe there is ANYTHING wrong with you wanting to be informed on the status of your case. This is normal.
If you can take a deep breath and remind yourself this does not need resolution RIGHT NOW, today, tonight. Try to rest and regroup... you can get through this. One day, setback at a time....it's the only way.
I'm so sorry. I wish I could offer more.
We are here...I am here...cry, vent, SCREAM........
Many hugs

Thank you so much Cottonball. I find this whole situation very disturbing all around to be honest. It all comes from a neighbor who dispite my many efforts to inform him and his family how important it was to contain his dogs as well as explaining the value of my animals and what I did with them, in the end he could not be trusted at all and it cost me dearly. The police failing me, my falling into despair and not being diagnosed correctly with PTSD inspite of the clear red flags I constantly uttered. And that neighbor "still" tearing down my no trespassing signs (at least the police came out for that) him pulling apart a stone wall I was building on my property (at least the police came out for that but not until he completely dismantled my stone wall) and my family being mean to me because they just "don't get PTSD", and now my attorney who has made mistakes and he IS old and struggling and forgetful, and WHAT A DAM MESS.

I was looking up information to see what I could learn, and it is definitely not an easy task to replace an attorney. It is actually VERY triggery going through this whole process of "having to remain unemotional and not show how much all this loss angered, and hurt me deeply". And yet, I have to remember it all for FIVE YEARS AND COUNTING? Talk about abuse, and it IS LEGAL.

You know, reading about what a deposition is all about and how the opposing side plays "nice and friendly" but they ARE ANYTHING BUT? And their job is to keep someone waiting, tied, tied, tied to so much hurt until they want to give up? This is the whole premise of the game? Wow, talk about triggery when someone has a history like mine.

And my attorney? He is old and clearly struggling with his health, it is obvious. And part of me feels bad for him, I think he is hanging on to his profession, well I feel it may be "not" to my advantage. Like I mentioned, he has already made mistakes and CLEARLY doesn't like to be reminded of them.

And to be honest? I triggers my memories of my brother, who had something wrong with him, and no one realized HE WAS HURTING ME. Yes, I knew something was wrong with him and I felt sorry for him, but he still hurt me and I felt helpless and stuck. So ok, yes I FEEL THAT NOW TOO. I am deep down a kind hearted person, so why is it me that SEES THESE PROBLEMS AND HAS TO DEAL WITH THEM AND EVEN SUFFER TOO.

Honestly? Everytime I see my attorney he looks worse, yes I feel bad for him, but I am WORRIED about his capacity to do his job. And he gets mad, remember when people age, their poor qualities come forward more, especially if they feel they are being criticized. And being nice doesn't work either. I just don't know.

I didn't sleep well at all last night, I cry in my sleep, I HATE THIS PREDICAMENT. I have been trying to look through all the files and sorting through things I had sorted through a few years back, hard to once again look at is all. I wish I could do that and not feel it you know?

Open Eyes

((((OE)))) I am so sorry this happened...you have been working so hard. I wish there was something I could do to help. I echo Wolf and Cotton's sentiments ... sending lots of understanding and caring hugs to you.

You are not being unreasonable by asking questions about your case. He is your attorney and you are his client. He is a professional. He knows what his responsibility is to you. He had no right to raise his voice to you and dismiss your valid questions and concerns. He was way out of line, imo.

You are a very caring, intelligent and capable person. You have not done anything wrong.

Right now, tonight, if you are able, try to get some rest...and try not to worry (i know...easier said than done, friend. I am the Queen Bee of Worry ) You did a great job approaching him today!

Please be kind and gentle with yourself. Give yourself some time to regroup. You dont have to do anything right this second except to take care of yourself and regain your strength. You can revisit this matter in the light of day when you feel more clear xx

We are here. You are not alone. We hear you.

Hugs hugs hugs,
R

((Open Eyes))

what an old fart--

I know this is no time for jokes... but hopefully a little smile?

I don't get what YOU have done that is wrong-- Why he is getting angry with you asking about YOUR Case--
So what if his other customers' do not ask-- you are his customer, each customer is different with how they handle things-- some like to be involved a little more than others.

I don't much about lawyers or law or anything-- but I don't see what is wrong with You just asking about what is going on, what he is going to lay out there--- I think that is wise to do-- just as you have mentioned, everything correct.

I will second with Rose-- Be Kind to yourself Open Eyes.. perhaps he is having a bad day, if he is an older person, perhaps he is realizing he is not as good as he was when younger-- things can always be misdirected in the worst ways.

((hugs))

absolutely. You guys are right. I just wanted to add that. Hope that today has a bit of sunshine in it for you Open Eyes...well, It has to (even if only a second), after the old fart comment! LOL that was great! But seriously, I hope that today proves to be a bit better for you...

((((Open)))) checking in....how are you doing friend? Did you get some good rest?

Hugs

Thanks everyone, I know I have vented about this a few times now. But, I can't help it, the situation I have been in tends to bring out some very uncomfortable thoughts and emotions. I sit and think about it to make sure that I am seeing things clearly, because you know, sometimes that can be a challenge when things come bubbling up because some very troubling ghosts have been summoned from the past. Well, for me what those ghosts mean is the many times I was hurt, someone was doing something wrong, and someone was in a position to protect me or speak up for me
and yet it was the "mistakes of these others meant to protect me" that made things worse, so much worse that it really hurt me. And frankly, there were times when "authority figures" and "so called professionals" really let me down. And they all have this strange way of postioning themselves so that there is so little I can do to fight back. And they all say the same thing "don't you trust me?" and it is said with this stange knowledge that the other person knows they messed up but they are not going to let me "point it out", instead I "HAVE TO ACCEPT THEIR MISTAKE" and the game plan is to "move on and get over it". And then there is a point where the truth can be shown too, and they say "SO WHAT, I MADE A MISTAKE, DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD CRUCIFY ME", "YOU NEED TO LEARN TO GIVE PEOPLE A BREAK AND GET OVER IT."

I am VERY good at seeing things early on, and I do my best to point it out, talk about it, warn about it, even say that I do not want certain things overlooked because it will cause harm. And every time, I AM IGNORED and I have to sit back and WATCH SOMETHING I WARNED ABOUT THAT IS BAD, HAPPEN ANYWAY. And the one that really suffers is NOT THE PERSON WHO DIDN'T LISTEN, but me. And in my legal case even, it was not only me, IT WAS LIVING ANIMALS I LOVED AND SPENT SO MUCH TIME AND EFFORT ON, AND IT WAS MY DAUGHTER WHOM I SPENT SO MANY HOURS, DAYS, WEEKS, MONTHS, YEARS, WORKING SO HARD TO MAKE WHAT SHE HAD HAPPEN. And inspite of my standing up to my neighbor SO MANY TIMES, they just didn't listen and my warnings of what could happen, ALL HAPPENED, AND EVEN WORSE THAN I COULD HAVE IMAGINED.

In spite of the problematic behaivor from my neighbors. When I finally got them to properly contain their dogs, I DID TRY TO BUILD A FRIENDLY RESPECTFUL RELATIONSHIP. Which is basically, ok, someone made a mistake, behaved badly, but try to make ammends and get along right? Well, that doesn't make any difference, and to learn that was VERY COSTLY TO ME. I had been nice and tried to help promote their christmas tree farm and I gave pony rides to try to draw in customers for them. They even got to see how beautiful my ponies were and what a good job I did, I can still remember them constantly remarking on how nice my animals were and they didn't realize it. But that did not change their inability to respect what I had, it really didn't. And my thinking that it ever "could" change was a big mistake.

People constantly tell me, "oh OE, you are so right about me, you know me, yes that is just how I am". Well the same rings true for my ability to sense "bad" in people.
And when I say bad people what I mean are people that have "problems" and their problems may be coming from them having their own challenge of somekind too. Well I see that too, and there is always a part of me that sympathizes with that. And this goes all the way back to my brother who hurt me. I could see that something was wrong with him, but people were punishing him, bullying him, and it made him worse.
I could see how that was going to make it dangerous for me. I felt so sorry for him for how he was treated, and I GAVE INTO HIM in some ways. BUT THAT HURT ME and even today, I cannot confront him about it because I know that that very hurt damaged little boy is still inside of him, AND IT WAS BAD FOR HIM. He has had years of therapy and is a born again Christian too. But I think if he knew how much he hurt me, the fine thread that holds him together as a person healing might break and he might fall into not being able to forgive himself. OR, he might just "dismiss me" altogether too, because that is something he did while we were growing up.

I have had to deal with this issue many times in my life. I have had to learn to manuver around people who actually cause harm because of something that is some kind challenge to them. And they hold a secret of somekind that they will protect, even if it hurts others. And they tend to give themselves permission to maintain an overall ignorance too. There is a constant ebb and flow of an overall sentiment that keeps saying, "try to go along with it, give them their weakness and try to accept and deal with it, try to find ways to "just not let it bother you". There is a strange pool that we all swim in and we are all taught that we have to learn to swim, even when someone else is defective somehow and gets a hold of us while we are trying to swim along in the pool of life. We are suppose to do our best, even though this other person or even system is pulling us down and we can easily drown or even sink to the bottom. If we cant catch our breath and our lungs fill with water and we are coughing and struggling to breath, we are supposed to "just deal" with that too.

I married a binge alcoholic. Well, I didn't see it when I dated him, and I didn't see it in my father, and I didn't see it in others either. I thought it was just something people did, give themselves permission to "tie one on" until they pretty much passed out. I could not understand how anyone could make themselves so vulnerable and incoherent. Well, maybe that came from the fact that from the time I could not even walk, I had to learn how to "be aware" and "find ways to not be vulnerable". When most children were asking about "why is the moon always different somehow" I was asking to the depths of me, "why were other children so mean and picking on my older brother and me"?. Learning about the moon was somewhere in the distance for me, because I had to learn about something even more important, how to survive my troubled brother and domineering sister. And I also saw my parents constantly fighting and there was just always something very troubling and upsetting that could burst on the scene at any moment. And I would be left trying to understand "why" and yet somehow also having to learn how to "self protect" somehow.

My husband? Oh he was never a bad man, he actually has a good heart. But he definitely had a problem. Again his problem was going to "hurt" me. I wanted to love him so much. I worked at putting aside the bad things that happened to me when it came to sex too. I wanted to find a way to enjoy it and make it a part of "loving my husband" too. But "his problem" made that effort very difficult for me to establish. Because I had to learn with him too, that even when he was drunk, even when I didn't want to do it, it was just better giving in because that would end him constantly pursuing me all night long. So it wasn't really any different from the bad that happened before, no I didn't feel safe with it, it was not something I could do and be happy and safe with it like I wanted it to be. Yet, somewhere in there, my husband was a good man, but he had something wrong with him and I had to manage to learn how to look beyond that. I had to do this thing call "forgive". And I really WANTED to but it never changed how that hurt got stored inside some corner of my mind that always seemed to warn me and say "remember, it may not be safe, it may hurt you".

Well, I am married still and my husband does work hard. I do see him trying and somehow I should be so grateful for that. But I do see his "problems" still and I have to work around them. I do see him trying to make amends as well. But he doesn't remember a lot of it because he was "blacked out". And there is this strange denial that goes on with that, kinda like "oh now you are making more of it than it was".
And there is also this deep hurt I have had where I have to hold it in because if I say how much it hurts, it might make him feel so guilty somehow and that could lead to him becoming hard on himself and then he might not be able to keep working hard and keeping up with the good he is doing inspite of the bad and wrong he did in the past.

I did try to again get intimate with my husband. I had a child that I REALLY LOVED and I wanted to learn how to do this thing called "forgive". And no sooner did I accomplish some of that kind of bond again was I to discover that not only did my husband drink and lie and manupulate me psychologically that way, and even put everything we had, our home etc at risk? He also cheated on me with women that also did drugs an had many different sex partners. Again I am required to try to do this thing called "forgive". And I had a young daughter that looked up at me in tears hoping that by some miracle I could try to keep our family together.

So, I tried to do that and it was a lot of work and a lot of praying too. And I had to keep in the forefront of my mind that my husband was a good man that had a problem, they call it a disease now. And he was trying to fight that disease. And me? Well, it became obvious how much that hurt me when I could not even be touched by a OBGYN to make sure I didn't have any STD's by being exposed to my husband being with women who drugged and had many sex partners.

Honestly? I am now so badly hurt by that experience and my past that I can no longer find my way to being intimate. Even if I try to push real hard to try, my body is so sensitive now that the desire to run in fear is very intense. I cannot seem to find a corner of my mind that can feel safe with that experience. And I feel like I am a failure that I cannot seem to find that path now. And I feel guilty because my husband is "trying so hard" and "he is a nice man" and "I SHOULD BE GRATEFUL FOR THAT SOMEHOW AND APPRECIATE THAT AND FORGIVE AND FORGET AND MOVE ON AND BE ABLE TO BE INTIMATE AGAIN AND FIND A WAY TO TRUST AGAIN. And so I kinda hide it or push the hurt somewhere because I SHOULD BE OVER IT BY NOW.

And remember what mother says, "we have to learn to accept others for what they are and learn to live around their faults". And she has another saying too, "I don't let people get too close to me because I have learned that at some point they hurt me".

I had some real challenges in my marriage and my own little family. And I found a way to have my own little business that I could do around a husband that worked two jobs and when he had a night off, he went to AA meetings. And sometimes he would have time to be with me and his daughter. And to be honest, I like that he was always busy because when I am alone with him, I have to struggle with loving him and yet not being able to be intimate. And for YEARS I had to find a way to hide from him, HOW MUCH HE RUINED THAT ABILITY IN ME. Because if I did tell him? He might fall off the wagon or god knows what.

And in therapy, once I got past this feeling that if I OPENED THE GATES TO THE TRUTH ABOUT MY TROUBLED PAST, that I would be BETRAYING my family, my husband and all the people I AM SUPPOSED TO LOVE AND PROTECT SOMEHOW.
Words cannot adaquately discribe how hard it is to give one's self the permission to finally say, I GOT HURT IN MY PAST, BAD THINGS HAPPENED, and THAT MUST MEAN I AM SOMEHOW BAD OR UNGRATEFUL OR MAYBE NO ONE WILL BELIEVE THAT IT HAPPENED TO ME. Maybe no one will understand that I gave in to doing some bad things because it was the ONLY WAY I could find a way to "feel safe" somehow. Could others understand that? Could others understand how I looked at some very troubling situations? Could others be able to see how I did it so I could at least find a way to have a way to my own right to pursue some kind of happiness? And if I talk about what HURTS ME, MAKES ME ANGRY, MAKES ME FEEL UNSAFE SOMEHOW, are others going to just tell me that I HAVE TO LEARN HOW TO "FORGIVE" AND "MOVE ON"? Because I tried to do that many times but I just could not seem to do it to the depths of me. The only thing I could do is learn to ACT LIKE I FORGAVE TO THOSE THAT HURT ME.

A pony, WOW, what did a pony mean to me in my life? How can I possibly describe what A PONY TO ME MEANS. Well, I have in my family room a pony that I had as a child. He was a very comforting toy to me. His name is squeeky because if you squeeze him he squeeks. And then I had a lot of stuffed animals, my mom knew I loved stuffed animals so I got a lot of them. And at night I put them all around me and to me what that meant was that somehow they all knew that I loved and cherrished them and that meant that when they were placed around me while I slept, they would love me back. And at night while I slept, I would have my "friends" around me to comfort me.

When things were bad, and that trip on the school bus everyday was so bad and never seemed to have an end in sight? And my mother worked and I had to get off the bus knowing that I had to find a way to get away from my older brother? I got a live pony. And it took me time to be able to ride that pony because he bucked me off. But I can't say how much that pony was SO SPECIAL. I did learn how to stay on him, even keep him from bucking me off. And I tied him out front so the kids on the bus could see him. And they STOPPED MAKING FUN OF ME because I had something special and they wanted me to let them touch it too. AND ALL DAY LONG ALL I THOUGHT ABOUT IN SCHOOL WAS THIS SPECIAL LIVE FRIEND I had at home. And I would get off the bus and I would jump on him AWAY, AWAY, AWAY FROM MY BROTHER AND ALL THE HARM HE COULD CAUSE ME. No more running to the tall evergreens that I used to climb and wait until mom got home. No, now I had something that I could hug that was alive and could really take me away and I could have fun and even adventures in the woods up the road from our home.

And when it was such a struggle with my husband and dealing with my marriage etc.
Again a pony came into my life, a pony I had bought for my daughter was also going to become a rescue for me in way I never dreamed could be.

One night I had an idea pop into my head and that idea was to start my own business and share this pony with lots of other children at their birthday parties. Well, everyone talked about the risks and liability and negetives. But that time my husband could see the idea. And I began my journey. And it was great because I could do that around pretty much being alone raising my daughter too. OE could have something of her own to build, her own little pursuit of happiness to build on.

And I did build it and got more ponies and it grew and I taught children how to ride my ponies and I also kept my daughter doing the same, having ponies and horses and adventures learning all about them and how to ride them and grow. And that was great because when people around (a coleader in a browine troop I had passed it around) learned I was married to an alcoholic they would not have their daughters in my GS troop or be friends with my daughter. So I gave her what I had, something to fill that gap and build a live with inspite of what other people did that was mean.

I loved every pony I had that helped me in my business. The all were helping me have my right to my pursuit of happiness. Every one of them meant so much to me and they really did know that I loved and appreciated them. And my daughter learned how to appreciate and love them too. And any child that was exposed to this enviorment and my animals also learned this too. It was a meaningful oasis and it did make a difference in not only my life but the lives of so many children and even my own little family. Even my own husband had his white pony that he loved and shared with so many children. I cannot even express in words how much therapy and psychological well being that presented. My husband at one time wanted to pursue special ed, and work with children, he went to college for that. So this white pony filled that desire in him and it made such a big difference in how he felt about himself, his sobriety and life.

WHY DID ALL OF THE HAVE TO BE DESTROYED? I didn't have my pyschological damage be a part of my case. I didn't want my neighbor to get pemission to know about my CSA and troubled history because he was negligent and failed to fix his broken fence and allow his dog to run my horses at night while I was sleeping.

I didn't know how to put all my emotions at ease either. I slept every night with my LIVE ANIMALS JUST OUTSIDE, LOVE AROUND ME. And I feel like I failed them because I didn't understand that they were being frightened and hurt.

I meet with my attorney who IS OLD NOW and when I sit across from him he shakes so bad he cant even grab a piece of paper. He is short tempered, admitedly forgetful, and yet he keeps saying he is a smart as a whip. He doesn't want to hear how hurt I am, even when I told him last year that him forgetting depositions was hurting me and to please get it done. And sitting in the first half of my deposition, by the end I was asked "which one got hurt the most". I stared down at a diagram and just saw them all in a flashback and I could not stop crying and I could not speak. And they stopped the deposition and somehow I know that I have to pick up where I left off?
I still can't answer that question really. And it is now almost two years that I have been kept suspended with that question and cannot answer it because my attorney forgets and now I feel the opposing side is just as frustrated with my attorney as I am. And I cannot even approach them to discuss it.

My attorney says the opposing attoney is a "betch", well, I have had my own issues/struggles with my attorney so I can't help but wonder if she is justified in her frustration with him. And somehow I have to "just deal"? And all along my attorney has made me feel like what I had was "not worth much". My neighbor has continued to disrespect me. And no one understands this PTSD that I really struggle with.

I never felt I was above ANYONE in my life. All I ever wanted was my right to my own little pursuit to happiness. And when my attorney says that winning my case will not be like winning powerball? WOW, that statement only seals the fact that he JUST DOESN'T GET ME AT ALL.

Open Eyes

Rose, when you talked about how you thought you saw your mother in her beemer and how much it triggered you? I know exactly what that feels like. I feel that way every time I hear my attorney's voice or sit across form him or interact with him.
He probably has a beemer too or some thing that has the same value that says, I am the best see what I have? If you don't have this then you are worthless and some kind of weak failure or unworthy of an audience of any measure of worth. And the only thing my attorney wants to focus on in my case is the "one designer piece I had that was badly damaged".

What about the little pony that to me was worth so much more, that saved my life in so many ways, that made so much possible? No, she was just an older pony we can't focus on that at all. But every day for many days since that final stare she gave me that told me that she knew she was dying, and she was afraid and somehow she felt she was letting me down too? I CAN'T GET THAT MOMENT OUT OF MY MIND.

Everyone asks me if I ride and teach etc. But I don't know how to do that anymore, I don't want to let myself fall in love like that again, it HURTS TOO MUCH WHEN IT IS SO UNFAIRLY TAKEN AWAY. It hurts too much when I sit across from an old forgetful lawyer and he doesn't see or respect it.

Since I have been touching and looking at all these papers again, I see them all and how they were hurt and I GET SO ANGRY and YET SO INCREDIBLY SAD TOO. Now I know why it has been so hard for me to just touch all these papers. Since I have been touching them this past week I am angry and snappy and crying and lost and tired and ill. I remember not having enough money to have each of them be throughly examined by a vet. I had to wait it out and do it piece meal and hope that they would somehow recover. I remember calling the insurance company and telling them I had too many injuries and not enough funds, and how they told me that my neigbors were a nice family and "how could I do this to them?". No one would listen to me, no one and they are not listening now either.

I have to find a way to "not feel" and it is VERY HARD. Oh, I don't know how to not be "human". I think I never quite learned how to do that. But I am reminded that if I can't learn how to do that? I could be a bad witness. That because I am not sueing for personal damages, I have to not let myself express that damage. I have in many ways had to learn how not to let that damage be expressed all my life. Well, at least my friends here know what that challenge is like. At least I can have access to others that understand that challenge.

Every day I tell myself that what I have to remember is that I DO struggle with something that is real called PTSD. And this something is not something others can respect or even begin to understand. It is not my fault that I have it either. It is something that has been a challenge for "me" to understand.
And while I continue to struggle and learn how to become stronger in a different way, well there are just things I have not learned to do "yet" to help myself deal with it better and be ok with who I am and that yes, I AM A SENSITIVE PERSON and I DO LOVE TO THE DEPTHS OF ME, and it is ok to be that kind of person. I just keep working at this one day at a time. And yes, I am going to have some very difficult days while I am wraped in a system that doesn't really respect, "emotions" unless those emotions are being put up for a "dollar sign" somehow. Yes, unfortunately someone can invade my life and destroy so much of me, and when they do that they get to know every part of how I have been hurt other times in my life as well. And that can become "public" knowledge as well. And I already know what happens when people know you have something going on in your life that makes you "not perfect" somehow. They shun you and deem you damaged goods, something to avoid. And that information can be used as a stick to beat you with, in so many ways. If someone does you wrong? They go right for that stick and call you crazy and that you are just taking it out on them and that "they" are the innocent one.

No matter how angry I get at my attorney, I have to know that he has that stick, he has my medical file and the misdiagnoses along with the knowledge that I was molested by my brother. And my GP brings that record up EVERY TIME I SEE HIM and he treats me differently too. Even my husband, he finds a way to lessen his own guilt and has said that the reason I struggled with him was because of what my brother did to me. And my sister does the same thing. And when my attorney makes a mistake, HE DOES TWIST THINGS to make it look like I AM THE TROUBLED ONE. He uses that and when he failed to remember those depositions he didn't appologize to me, he appologized to my husband, and the overall sentiment was "I know your wife has issues and we have to work around them". When people find out these hidden hurts and pain, they don't respect it, they covet it and use is as a way to empower themselves.

When people "hide" the bad things that happened to them in their childhoods, when they hide what goes on behind closed doors in families that are "not perfect" they do this for a reason. THE TRUTH ABOUT PEOPLE'S WEAKNESSES ARE USED AGAINST THEM and it "hurts their image and illusion of being STRONG and deserving of RESPECT.

This is exactly why people like Sandusky get away with abusing children. This is why so many victims DON'T TELL. And this is exactly why that College that knew Sandusky was a risk protected him anyway.
Because it would "hurt" the reputation of that college and all of those that kept that secret. And those victims that came forward to finally expose Sandusky for the monster that he was? That took a lot of courage because now those people will have something about them for the rest of their lives that will expose them to "not being perfect or that they are weak somehow". Whenever something hidden like this is let out, it forever leaves that person in a very exposed state of exisitance where it can be used against them.

And my neighbor? Would his knowing my personal history make him respect me? No, that is not what he would do with that, he would say, "she is nuts and anyone who even looks at her wrong is someone like her brother, I can't help it if is she is like that". My past would be used to beat me up and people would use it to say I am just crazy so they can get away with their trespasses on me. I have already seen this happen.
I did not know that my medical file was going to show my utterance of how what my brother did to me was overcome by what was so badly damaged. I was trying to explain to a therapist why the damage to my horses and ponies had such a profound effect on me. I did not know how my effort to explain that was going to be something my attorney would see, something my neighbor could see if I sued for emotional damage. I was in a state of shock, I didn't mean to let that out, I wish I had not uttered that.

Open Eyes

((Open Eyes))

Checking by to say and hope you are doing ok

Thanks beauflow,

Sigh...I am still trying to do the paperwork so I can figure out what to put into the demand. I have been able to do some of it but it has been like pulling teeth. I find that when I work on it, I don't sleep well, and it opens up to a lot of anger, and sadness and lots of anxiety, so much so that I have had to take some Klonopin and I really don't want to take that anymore. I don't even want this to happen, it just does. I keep telling myself that if I just got it done I would have it done, but it doesn't seem to matter. At least I am touching it and looking at it, that is a big deal, something I could not even get near before. I have been working doing jobs even during the week and so I don't want to get myself to a point where I struggle to work. Yesterday I had to take 1/4 tablet of Klonopin because I had so much anxiety I was dizzy. And that is because I was working on it on Tuesday, could not sleep Tuesday night, and then Wednesday I had to get myself together to work. And I also get very depressed when I work on it too. And I cry alot, I am so tired of having to remember all of this.

Most of this my attorney already has, but he gets all confused with it. There are too many animals and he gets all mixed up (remember he is older too). And honestly, I feel he is not very organized, I have seen my file he has and well, it is huge and doesn't look organized.

I wanted to work on it today, but I could not get to it and when that happens I get very disappointed in myself.

I think if I had an attorney that was more supportive and positive it would not be so hard. He really triggers me and I have been working on the "whys" and it doesn't go good places.

IDK beauflow, I am trying.

Open Eyes

((Open Eyes))

Sometimes all we can do is try...

I know this has been a very long battle for you-- but this one step of being completed--- after all the heartache, all the head aches-- I am sure you will take something away from this that is positive....

It maybe another struggle and trigger for you-- but you are keeping with it and pushing forward as best as you can...

Don't forget to take breaks for your self

((((OE))))

Ok,

I have been saying all along how much this lawsuit is challenging me. I have talked about how all those depositions my attorney forgot last year even when I told him how much I was suffering, how it was such a challenge to me, he still forgot. It was HELL! last year. And I "really" struggle with even handling all the files that are all the damages and expenses incurred of my very loved animals.

I know that this process I have been in (5 years now) is actually "cruel" and should not be allowed to continue putting me in a place where I have to "continue to be in this trama". And I know this event and the way I am being required to still keep all the details "ready for at any time I could get called to finish my deposition". I have said all along, "something is different in my brain, I can feel it". I have also been very confused about "why the front of my brain gets a tickling sensation and then just seems to just shut down when I try to handle the paperwork".

I know people have probably read that struggle and thought, "Oh just do it and stop whinning already". And I have had that sentiment presented to me by family as well.
It has been so frustrating to try to explain how hard it is and even feel so guilty myself for not being able to "JUST DO IT".

Well, I have been trying so hard to talk about how "I CAN FEEL IT AND IT IS SOOOO HARD FOR ME" and I feel like it is "INHUMANE" to put someone through this and expect them to go on and on and on and remember, remember, remember like this.

OK, IT HURT ME, IT HURT ME, IT WAS AWFUL, IT WAS SO SAD, IT WAS TOOOO MUCH, AND MY NEIGHBOR KEPT TAUNTING ME AND MY ATTORNEY WOULD NOT LISTEN. I KEPT SAYING HOW HARD IT WAS AND "NO ONE LISTENED" and even were mean to me. And I have been trying to understand why I can't seem to ride anymore or I just "AVOID" SO MUCH. I don't want it to be that way and GOD KNOWS I have been trying very hard to find my way to somehow "healing".

Well, here is what happens in the brain of someone who is suffering from PTSD. And I feel it and have kept saying all along how hard I am trying and to PLEASE GET THIS LEGAL ACTION OVER WITH AND STOP MAKING IT GO ON AND ON.

Yes, I believe in the pasticity of the brain and that we "can heal" and find ways to manage the changes that have taken place in our brains as the result of trama.
But I also know that "progress "cant" be made if someone is constantly asked to relive the trama and made to feel that they are threatened by not gaining the recovery of the losses etc. For all intense purposes, anyone can read up on the "game" played in a lawsuit by the opposing side, especially if it is an insurance company. Yes in the deposition, they are nice and friendly to get you comfortable before they start to present questions to catch you offguard somehow or find a way to discredit you etc. And the plan is well known, make the plaintiff wait as long as possible so they give up and settle for peanuts. Yeah, well it is "LEGAL ABUSE".

http://healmyptsd.com/education/ptsd-the-brain is information on what happens in the brain of someone who has PTSD.

I am trying very hard to heal, I really am but having to keep reliving this keeps pushing me backwards, I CAN FEEL IT. I have been trying very hard to sort through all this damage and it has been very painful. I don't sleep, I am full of anxiety and emotions, I have terrible dreams and yet I have to keep trying to run my business too? And everything I make goes to feeding and caring for damaged animals and to make payments on the bills that come in every other week incurred by addressing the injured with veterinarians. This has been one hell of a challenge, and no "I CAN'T JUST", I honestly wish I could.

Last December I nursed a pony that just never recovered after she coliced from the stress of that dam dog chasing around her at night. Her intestines never fully recovered and I had no money to take her to the hospital, to help her, it was awful to see those big brown eyes looking at me, wanting me to fix her, help her and I couldn't afford it. And I had to finally "euthanize" her after 10 days of trying everything I could. It was awful. Why? because I use up all my income on the dam bills that should have NEVER BEEN MINE.

Yeah, I complain to my attorney and he replies, "Oh, if you don't trust me than just fire me and he knows full well that no one will take my case seeing that he is entitled to 1/3 already. He doesn't want to "care about his mistakes or his age". And if I gave him this information you know what he would say? "well if it is too much for you than drop the case" and what would he think? "Oh good she just gave me information so if she trys to complain to the board about me I can just say she is crazy or forgetful or overemotional".

((((OE)))) we support you and are behind you. Your T supports you and is behind you. The stress alone from the initial incident, having to see your (nasty) neighbor and having to continue doing so much work on your own case is enough in itself to make anyone sick.

Forget what happened before that...the harassment, reminders of such a horrible tragedy, the emotional pain that this is causing you is very real and I do believe separate from anything else.

I honestly think you should go see an md and a pdoc for an evaluation. You are not crazy and there is nothing wrong with you other than this is literally creating an untenable situation for you.

And your lawyer seems to be making things worse.

I am so sorry this is happening. You are strong, intelligent and capable...but you cannot do this on your own. It is too much.

My heart goes out to you. I can totally understand how this situation is making things worse...you are correct. You cannot begin to heal until this closes.

Please take good care, keep writing. Please consider seeing a doctor...it breaks my heart to see you suffering like this. For no reason...it is absolutely not ok.

To hell with the people: family, friends, attorney. Your health and welfare come first.

R

Thanks Rose, I just get warn out and I don't want to have to keep remembering this anymore. And I know that my brain struggles when I am asked to recall it and stay in it like this.

Actually there is a good video that discusses what takes place in the brain with PTSD.
It is a long video and PTSD is towards the end of it. I posted it in Other Mental health discussion forum because it has a lot of interesting info on the brain.

I think the only way I can prove it other than the scientific studies we have now is to find a psychiatrist/neurologist who can take images of my brain. I know that this ongoing situation "hurt" my brain because I can feel it. I don't want it to be that way, but it just is. I don't hallucinate etc. I just remember and it is vivid and it is sad.
I am tired of remembering it and like I said, at any time I could get a call to finish my deposition too.

This just isn't right my T told me to try to do this work in pieces, but it is still hard and soooo triggering. Sorry, I am just having a bad day today, I tried to work on it some more today and it just brings out to much emotions etc. I try so hard not to let that happen, I really do.

Ugh, I have to work tomarrow too, I have a long day and I hope I have the energy.

Brain Function: The Limbic System & PTSD – Video lecture overview of brain systems in relation to PTSD.

There is a good reason to stay away from "toxic" people and situations. This is a long video and not just about PTSD. Actually the PTSD is near the end.

But you are right Rose, this lawsuit needs to end so I can focus on healing.

(((Open Eyes)))

set backs happen with emotions and thinking--- especially when triggered, with the struggle that seems never ending ( i get that way with problems that I think will never go away!)

But everything- must have an end to it-- with that a new beginning.

I hope that all this does get settled soon for you-- it is not right that it has brought so much on you (more so than just the legality head aches)

Even small improvements are awesome-- don't forget that

Get a good rest tonight Open Eyes.... Tomorrow is not set in stone of what will come...

I like what ((((Beau)))) wrote so much more. I am sorry if my post was not helpful...YOU have nothing to be sorry for, my friend.

The links are very informative. Thank you for sharing them.
Rose

I appreciate you both supporting me. It is so nice to have good people to talk to that understand what it "feels" like when triggered or having a bad day. IRL, my T has been away and my husband often says the "just" things that I keep telling him not to say because it just makes it more frustrating.

Seeing the video was scary but very validating too, because it isn't just "me" saying how hard it is to work through this.

It reminds me of when I suffered for so long with endometriosis and I kept going to the OBGYN who kept telling me that I must be getting cysts and there was nothing that could be done. Every month for years I would get a bad attack and no one would believe how dibilitating it really was. Then to see it on a screen and my family was there too, so they could see I wasn't kidding around, was so empowering, yet I was angry about how even with that, "oh just get over it" crap.

And then ofcourse when I was so ill with appendacitus that went into peritonitus, and the ambulance crew yelled at me when I was moaning in pain. I was dieing inside.
Ugh. Seriously, I am lucky to be here.

Oh, well, don't mean to get into all that.

But, thank you so much for being supportive.

(((Big Thankful Hugs)))
Open Eyes