[Hellion]

Who the hell am I, I hate that this commonly comes with PTSD...I mean its just so weird feeling so disconnected even from myself I don't even know how to define myself. I don't even know what to except from myself at times and its just really confusing at times since I don't know if I am going against who I am or going along with it becuase of the disconnected feeling.

[beadlady29]

beads also has ptsd.........the only way the we can identify ourself is thru our beadwork, hence the name beadlady...........we really cant say much else about her no matter how hard we try,,,,,,,,,,it is quite frustrateiang beads agree with u................if u figure it out please let us know too..............
sending peacefull thunkeds ur way,
beads

[Open Eyes]

That is a question that people who struggle with PTSD begin to ask. If I were to read all the things that people with PTSD talk about challenging them, I don't think I would believe it without experiencing it myself. I would probably have the same kind of "just" answers that everyone else has tbh.

I did have a momentum to my life that just got suddenly wiped out. I had some bad things happen to me in my life and I really thought that we are supposed to just get through bad things and keep going. It really never occured to me that all these very troubling challenges I survived would be things that are a part of who I am.

What I "can" say is that every human being does wonder "who they are". It is very "normal" for someone in their teens and 20's to really wonder about what they are going to be in life, get confused and think they have to "hide that fact".

The truth is, we develope "who we are" our entire lives. We grow and become by "learning" and getting exposed to others and what is understood by whatever society we are a part of. Alot of how we feel about ourselves though, evolves by how we are treated by our parents as well as our siblings and our piers. So unfortunately if we don't get "positive" messages, we can start with a confused sense of who we are.

When I presented with PTSD, I really felt totally confused. But I knew enough to take that "diagnoses" and begin to read about what is known about it. Then, somehow I realized that who I was in learning about PTSD, was a person struggling with that disorder. As time passed, I also realized that other people who didn't know about it, or experience it for themselves were not going to really understand "me".

I realized that I was actually lucky in that at least I could learn about what is known about PTSD and even gain access to others that also have it and talk about the same kind of challenges. I also began to realize that people in general, are all somewhat "unique" and that "in general" people never really do understand the depths of each other. So, even though, I do struggle with this disorder, the reality is that it is "common" to be misunderstood as a person. People in general, are pretty much "self absorbed"" and often base their opinions on how they were raised, the culture they grew up in and how they were "appraised" by others according to whatever societies feel is a "worthy person".

The entire effort in "healing" from PTSD is all about reviewing whatever might be "distorted" in our "self belief" that we may not realize. It is also realizing that we can either choose to agree with the opinions of others, or we can begin to listen to our "self talk" and decide to make corrections and slowly give ourselves permission to develope a "healthier self". And what I am discovering myself is that it "is" work.
In other words, when I get angry, or sad, or feel unsafe, they are all "feelings" that I can either choose to "agree with and feed into", OR, I can learn about "why" I feel these feelings and that I can actually "learn" how to help myself work "out of these feelings" slowly and develope "more control".

It has been one hell of a challenge for me, not anything I ever dreamed experiencing either. What I have been "slowly" realizing is that I have been slowly "gaining" and even though I am still being challenged, I "am" seeing enough progress that is encouraging me to "keep trying". And I have decided that "I don't have to be someone great or special", I only have to learn how to be the best I can be and to keep learning.

[Hellion]

I think what bothers me the most about it is the fading feeling, that actually got amplified last time I tripped on mushrooms which I realize I probably shouldn't have been doing considering I was basically feeling like I am now when I did that I guess it really kind of threw that particular issue in my face.

If I ever wanted to be anyone great or special I think that stopped quite long ago, I mean it wouldn't happen anyways I'm 23 and hopefully getting on SSI but that's not a very good way to become anything 'great' by societies standards.

[Alishia88]

Your comment about becoming someone special alarmed me.

It´s actually a sign of PTSD wanting to be someone "special" or feeling "special", different from everyone else or like a no-one so you feel the NEED to be someone really special in this world.
It´s mentioned in "trauma and recovery".

It also says that when you start to recover this feeling will fade and you will feel more normal like everyone else, need for "specialness" will decrease and you will find more pleasure in "normal" activities.

You are already special as yourself. And anything you can be very special to you.

When you regain some sense of yourself you will regain a feeling of being special for yourself, not in the world and to the world, but to yourself, because you´re you.
don´t worry.

though i completely understand what you mean by not really feeling like you know who you are.
becoming someone "great" or "special" in the world will NOT give it back to you though, believe me.

[Alishia88]

" And I have decided that "I don't have to be someone great or special", I only have to learn how to be the best I can be and to keep learning."

Yes, me too OpenEyes that´s a nice thing.
You have to be yourself. that´s the most important thing.
If that is someone great to the world or not doesn´t matter. You need to be who you are.

I've often struggled with my identity ... I've often felt like a chameleon, becoming who I'm around instead of having a healthy sense of self ... I guess that came about while trying to survive the violent home I grew up in ... Trying to be who or what I was supposed to be in order to make bad things not happen - as if I had any control over that ... Or to simply try to be whatever it was they needed me to be so I could somehow make myself fit in and belong ... At least now I'm aware of it and work on simply being me ... Extra frustrating when I find myself slipping back into old patterns and habits again though.

[Hellion]

Originally Posted by Alishia88

Your comment about becoming someone special alarmed me.

It´s actually a sign of PTSD wanting to be someone "special" or feeling "special", different from everyone else or like a no-one so you feel the NEED to be someone really special in this world.
It´s mentioned in "trauma and recovery".

I guess I got over that need a long time ago, like when I was a kid...I think its possible I had at least symptoms of PTSD before the trauma I originally attributed it to. I mean I remember kind of feeling that need but I got so used to getting picked on and not being taken seriously and constant disvalidation of my feelings(a lot of that was unintentional from family members not understanding certain issues I had.)

It also says that when you start to recover this feeling will fade and you will feel more normal like everyone else, need for "specialness" will decrease and you will find more pleasure in "normal" activities.

I never felt normal to begin with, especially being ostracized all the time at school I mean even if I didn't think I was odd to begin with...it still would have been pointed out by others just as much.

You are already special as yourself. And anything you can be very special to you.

When you regain some sense of yourself you will regain a feeling of being special for yourself, not in the world and to the world, but to yourself, because you´re you.
don´t worry.

though i completely understand what you mean by not really feeling like you know who you are.
becoming someone "great" or "special" in the world will NOT give it back to you though, believe me.

Yeah I imagine it probably wouldn't, I mean even if I was able to get to where I want in life(not even sure what that is) I'd still feel the same, nothing can really bring back all of what was there before. I mean anytime I think I am starting to figure out at least a basic idea of who I really am or whatever it seems like something happens so I have to question it all over again and end up just where I started.

[AngelWolf3]

by Hellion:

Yeah I imagine it probably wouldn't, I mean even if I was able to get to where I want in life(not even sure what that is) I'd still feel the same, nothing can really bring back all of what was there before. I mean anytime I think I am starting to figure out at least a basic idea of who I really am or whatever it seems like something happens so I have to question it all over again and end up just where I started.

I SO TOTALLY get this. I don't have words of wisdom, but you took the words straight from my head and heart. This is DEFINITELY where I am at right now.

[Open Eyes]

Originally Posted by AngelWolf3

by Hellion:

I SO TOTALLY get this. I don't have words of wisdom, but you took the words straight from my head and heart. This is DEFINITELY where I am at right now.

Yes, but you both have to realize this is a part of PTSD as well. OMG, I battled with this constantly myself. But I didn't give up, or give in, I kept on working at it. You have to be a "fighter" that is all there is to it. You have to realize that it takes time for the brain to heal and develope new capacities, it just doesn't happen over night, believe I know this well myself.

You cannot just sit there and "wait" to get better, you have to do the work, yes it is hard work but better than not improving and just sitting in the puddle or cespool of PTSD. You don't have to do that, really.

My T keeps reminding me that I have to push myself out of the comfort zone I built up to accomodate the PTSD. It is the only way you finally heal.

[Hellion]

I don't have the energy to fight, I burnt it all up during my childhood if you can call it that. I don't wait to get better either I don't expect to. Also pushing myself out of my comfort zone too much causes much more anxiety, exhaustion and pain than its worth. So I suppose a good question would be how do you get the energy to put a bunch of hard work into 'improving and what is improvement.

[Open Eyes]

Hellion, I can understand your frustration, believe me I was really "bad" myself and often could not even function. I came to PC alot and I was constantly giving out positive thoughts or looked for anything I could think about "one thought at a time".
Anxiety? ugh, it was bad, really bad but coming to PC helped me with it some because again my mind was not so much on me but whatever I posted to.

I would read everything I said the day before when I came on PC each day. I read over my thoughts and posts to make sure I was making sense. I didn't have a therapist for a while either. I could not seem to find one that specialized in PTSD that I could afford either. I don't know how I did it but I worked my business too.
I also had to keep taking care of the farm too. I took naps everyday because the PTSD exhausted me. I had to take Klonopin at night to sleep and stop the flashbacks from waking me up at night too. There were a couple of times I had a job scheduled and my husband had to do it for me because I was too bad to drive. I had to be awake and aware and in control to drive because I was always hauling a horse trailer with an animal that loved and trusted me.

When I came to PC to post, alot of my posts were long and racing, often I left out words too. I got triggered quite a few times at PC and many times considered leaving, but I made myself hang on. I began to pay attention to everything that triggered me, and really thought about connecting the dots to why I was so triggered.
I was not really me alot, I was me but I never triggered before like I was triggering.

I didn't get better either, instead I got worse, I began to have flashbacks that crippling and confusing and in some of them I was very young too. I grew deeper into PTSD too, and began to think no one would ever understand how bad I was struggling, and my family didn't understand and so, I hid alot in my room tbh. I got even worse and began to have really dangerous thoughts too. I had a lot of anger that I didn't know what to do with either. I thought my family would be better off without me because I was "such a burden" that is how they made me feel.

I didn't let on at PC how bad I really was either. I was afraid that would ruin whatever positive I could give here. I gave everyone else here what I needed so badly myself. I felt so horrible that it made me feel sad for others, and I knew how lonely it was for them.

I read so much about PTSD, I wanted to know why I was sooo bad too. I wanted to find ways to fight it too. I didn't want to visit the depression forum because I didn't want to read the negetive chants because I was fighting the PTSD depression too, but I didn't want to think about it.

Yes, pushing myself "out of my comfort zone" was agony at times. I was not feeling well either so I went to see my GP, but I asked for a different GP because the one I had always embarassed me. So they gave me a GP who wanted me to let a trainee examine me too. I said, "No, not today, it is not a good day" and they kept pushing it, but I kept saying the same thing over again. When they left the room, I sunk into a flashback where my older brother and a neighbor dragged me into a shed and took off all my clothes, I was only about three and so frightened. After that I wanted so badly to run out of that office, but I made myself stay, but with all my being I wanted to run out of that office. I have not been back since either.

I didn't talk about any of my big bad challenges here, it would ruin my being "positive' and helping others somehow, and I needed to be "positive". A few times when I did open up, there were some members that "made comments and didn't believe me".

I finally found a T and I had a lot to tell him. But for a long time I would not talk about my childhood. When I did, it opened up the floodgates to more "flashbacks".
And when my husband heard about these events, he got angry and then I wanted to "avoid" him even more.

Hellion, it was very "hard work" every single day, every minute of every single day.
I would have a few days where I would feel better too, like I didn't have it somehow, and then I would sink back into it just like you are saying, like I was starting all over again. But I kept at it, therapy, and thinking and coming here and trying to do whatever work I could.

Then, I started to feel like I woke up somehow and that was strange. I got to expand the better days and sometimes it would last a week or until I got triggered. I got so I didn't want to do the Klonopin either because I felt that was also adding to the cycles. I would not take it during the day unless I got really bad or had a bad flashback which drained me like a vampire.

My therapist wanted me to increase the dose, but there was no way I could function or work taking it as recommended. So, I weaned myself off of it, then I had to learn to sleep without it, and that was very hard because I did have night terrors. I had to find ways to deal with the anxiety attacks without it, and that was not easy either. I did find that if I took a nap, not really sleep, but let my mind totally relax, it calmed me and my T taught me some soothing methods too. I have been working at learning how to calm down more and more and I have really been gaining.

I could go on and on about how bad I was challenged, so many things that happened that really aggrivated the PTSD badly too.

I am not "all better" Hellion, I am still working at it, but I am way better than last year even, so I know I am gaining on it. I am going to keep at it, and reading and learning and slowly stepping out of my comfort zone too. Yeah, its work, its hard, but I don't want to go back to being the way I was, I want to do better.

[Hellion]

That kind of makes sense, I guess I do put quite a bit of work into paying attention to how stressed or anxious I am and if I am too irritable to be around people and such. And I am going to therapy. I certainly cannot take klonopin, I do take trazodone though and I still use cannabis I can't seem to get enough sleep or manage my anxiety without outside substances.

As for my confusion about what improvement even is, I suppose i've gradually developed into who I am now.....not quite sure what things I'd want to improve or change and which things I accept and all that. I mean I've thought I was 'improving' more than once only to find out it was quite the opposite so I am not sure how I would even know if there was any improvement of anything.

[Still Trying]

Open Eyes, you are expressing how I have been feeling for quite a while. But you say it better than I do. Sometimes I just lose my words but still have those feelings. I can tell you have worked hard to move forward in your battle against PTSD. I admire you for that. I have also been working hard to find solutions to triggers and other symptoms.
Yes, it IS hard work, and some days I don't feel like doing it. So I give myself a day of rest and then I'm usually ready to start the battle again.
The past 5-6 months have been very difficult for me, but I'm "Still Trying."

Thanks for your insightful post.

[beadlady29]

Maybe improveing can just be knowing that you just did the best that you could do today,,,,,and then try to do it again tomorrow................
mary

[Open Eyes]

((All of you))),

Yes, it is hard work, and often very lonely because unless someone has personally experienced it, they simply do not understand the challenge and how debilitating and tiring it can be. That is the one thing I hate about it too. I totally understand why people want to "isolate" so much with it, because it seems impossible to explain it to anyone. And it is equally challenging to understand it for one's self.

As I am writing this I am actually having a difficult day today and my husband is vacumming and cleaning and hustling around me and there is no way I can explain to him that right now I am struggling and he is triggering me. Ugh.

So now I have to find a way to "not let his problem become my problem" and find a way to let go of the frustration and find a "calm". Yes, it is a challenge and often "tiring". I am going to do my nap so I can slow down and let go and if he doesn't get it, tough.

[(JD)]

No, people don't understand what those with PTSD suffer. Even if the experts (psychologists) explain it to your family, they still won't "get it" and will want you to "JUST..."

And the fact that there is no cure for PTSD doesn't help one want to try to become human again... because we can't. I've been learning to live with it for 26 years and though I have progressed, I am still not a fully functioning human being...and I hate it. On "good" days I might be able to function for 4 or 5 hours, even around people and appear normal!

sorry I'm not much encouragement... I guess the only way to go is up. (When begins at the bottom of a pit...) But now they say it might be a gene that makes us susceptible...well that also means to me that it's not fixable. Ever.

I am the best I can be, today.... and tomorrow, even if worse, I will be the best I can be for tomorrow. That's all God requires of me I think. How can anyone do more?

At this rate, I will probably be 99 years old when I finally learn how to live again, just in time to die.

[Open Eyes]

JD, my therapist who specializes in working with PTSD patients doesn't agree people who experience PTSD "never get better". It's a lot of work, and takes time but he has had patients that have regained good function and are doing well. Ofcourse, when someone experiences PTSD, they do change, often become alot more "self aware" than the "average" person. Ofcourse once someone does experience PTSD, they can't "just ignore" like most people do, there will always be a certain amount of "increased sensitivity". It takes "time" to retrain the brain to learn to "control" and not react to negetive signals. I am not going to lie, I am still challenged, but I am much better than I was last year and the year before. I do think it depends on the person and the severity of the trama and if they have had "several" tramas in their life history/past.

Open Eyes

[Hellion]

For me though I am quite sure I am not the only one, even getting up in the morning takes a lot of work...sometimes I feel my emotions and can enjoy things, at other times I can only feel the negative ones and sometimes just an empty hollow feeling. Like today I actually got some various herbs since that is something I am intrested in and want to learn about right now I am using them for different kinds of tea...and I am hoping to maybe grow fresh herbs in a garden pretty soon here.

But of course my feelings of enjoyment about that have diminished and I am worried I won't make it mentally to the next day...though I worry about that every night and then rather slowly I manage to drag myself out of bed make some tea and use momental effort to motivate myself to do something other than lay around feeling useless if I can...and lately I have hardly had any energy which makes it even harder. I wanted to go see my dad today but I never was able to become up for it so I will try again tommorrow, actually going to try and get some sleep soon so maybe I will get a bit more sleep and more energy. But yeah I've had a stress headache most of today and nothing has rid me of it, trying to figure out what it is that's got me spread so thin but can't seem to figure it out.

But yeah it ends up turning into how can I look forward to learning about herbs or growing a garden, when if this doesn't let up and SSI doesn't happpen I'll probably have to resort to the psych ward again and not just 5 days. I am thinking I might have to do that before I find out about the SSI if I can't some how reduce my current stress and some of the weirdness coming with it. but I am pretty afraid of ending up being manipulated and confused into treatments I don't want or don't help or being made worse by drugs they give me....I'd like to say I'd go in and refuse them all but chances are I will feel the need for something to calm my nerves if I was to go without anything to calm me I'd probably prefer being in a psych ward for the duration because I don't know what I would do without relief of my symptoms.

uhh makes me sad, feeling like I have to choose between living life and doing something I'd like as best I can in spite of the issues I have or potentially being destroyed by the mental health system just for feeling like I can't get to a place mentally where that is possible on my own.

[Open Eyes]

((Hellion))),

Yes, I can relate to what you are describing, I am often challenged that way myself. The problem with PTSD is that it can get "exhausting" because there "is" a constant challenge with anxiety and it is often hard to "control" it. As JD explains, she can often manage 4 to 5 hours with other people "seeming to be normal" however she does know that she is "not" normal and only manages to "seem normal".

Well, here is another way to think about it. I can relate to people who are "autistic" in a way, it is not due to the lack of "intelligence", the biggest challenge is "overstimulation" where the brain can begin to have too many racing thoughts all at once, hense it gets very difficult to slow down the brain to "process one thing at a time methodically". My Autistic grandnephew has tried to explain this to no avail too. He is only in 3rd grade, but has the IQ of a freshman in college, can you imagine? His teachers will work with him on some math problems and after a while he needs to "stop" as he can feel his brain getting wound up and overwhelmed. Unfortunately, the teachers don't listen, instead they keep pushing him to continue, when they do that he begins to lose control and gets what we call an "anxiety attack" and he can also get "very angry" and he doesn't like it, he doesn't like losing control like that.
Well, children who are "autistic" are known to have to be careful about "overstimulation" and they can behave in "odd" ways to the average person who can "control" themselves and not have "overstimulation" issues. That is the "just" that JD says that others can't seem to understand that with PTSD people can't "just". Actually it is really cruel when people address PTSD patients with these "just" comments and can be so "condescending" about it as well. Just get over it, just deal, just ignore, just calm down, just stop dwelling, just stop letting yourself get angry, and the list goes on and on.

I remember when I first joined PC, I often posted "long posts" and sometimes I can still do that. Many of my posts were long and "racing" in the beginning. What was happening on my end is often I would see a question and go to answer it and it was hard to keep my mind from racing out ahead of me. I noticed that I had missing words or sentences that I had not realized were "missing" until I "reread" my posts.
However, I did notice that PC was helping me alot, it was helping because it was something I could do that "helped" me work on slowing down my brain. One question at a time, one word at a time, one topic at a time, working on focusing more instead of suffering the overload I experienced constantly which was being extremely aggrivated by people in my family that were actually being mean to me for something I honestly could not help.

There is a desire for "isolation" with PTSD because of how "upsetting" it is when the brain begins this cycle of "overstimulation" and the incredible challenge that takes place to "slow it down". And it is very upsetting for someone who has PTSD because they don't understand why they can't "just" like they used to. It can easily scare them, and that only makes it "worse" because when they get scared they begin to "feed into it" and it becomes "more" debilitating. I have had it so bad that all I could do was lay down, take a Klonopin and I suffered such a horrible headache where it felt like my entire brain was getting "squeezed", it was horrible, debilitating, and very painful.

What I described yesterday about my husband triggering me? Well, my husband is the kind of person that is "high energy" and "gotta do things quick, get it done, let's move, right now". Well, that kind of mentality is extremely challenging for me to be around because it can "trigger" me into my brain "racing" and unfortunately my husband just doesn't get that and his response to my struggle is "to pick on me and make comments that are condescending and disrespectful of how challenged I really am". If you were to talk to him, he would say that it is like "walking on egg shells around me", and honestly I can understand why he would say that, why anyone would say that". I have had to learn to do my best to not feel "guilty" because I can be so "sensitive". Honestly, if my husband is around for the weekend, by the end of the weekend, I am exhausted. It is a lot of work for me to be around him because he is a very highly "active" person, he has dislexia and ADHD and it can be hard for him to sit still and he is "hurry up quick" constantly and he doesn't realize he is that way, and unfortunately he also has "loud" body language that also expresses that "hyperactivity".

I have been working "very hard" on learning how to help myself relearn how to "slow down" when I begin to struggle. I have had to learn how to slowly recognize when I get triggered and to slowly help myself disassociate from the "stimulation" and function in a more "balanced" way. It is a mindfullness above and beyond the average person, it is alot of work, and it is a skill that takes time to "slowly" develope.

The other part of my PTSD is my history. I have also had to slowly address my history were I suffered abuse that goes all the way back to my early childhood.
For me, it isn't just my recent trama that was the major cause for my developing this crippling PTSD. I have had several tramas in my life and what I didn't realize is that my history of tramas made me more prone to develope PTSD from the kind big trama that I experienced.

I have been slowly working on this in "therapy" and I have been learning all about being "self aware" in a way that many people who have never experienced PTSD are not. I have had to learn that my history doesn't mean I am "ruined' as a person, or that I should be "ashamed" or "feel guilty" about how I developed as a person. Instead, I am learning about how I developed because of my history and to finally allow the parts of me that were dormant and damaged to finally be validated and mourned and healed appropriately.

Each person is going to be a little different depending on their personal history. The point is, while the healing process is slow, it doesn't mean we cannot "heal". However, it "is" a process and it "is" work. There are good and bad days, and it can often be "tiring" too, but that doesn't mean "achievement" cannot happen. The important thing is not allowing self to be hard on self, to keep an open mind and make a conscious decision for patience no matter what. And that means no matter what other people who do not understand PTSD think or say that can be "mean" and "hurtful". I know personally that can quite a challenge as there is no short supply of people that will be condescending and reply with "just" comments.

[(JD)]

Hmm if I said never get better I misspoke... what I thought I said is that there is no CURE for PTSD...it does not "go away" but yes, most people do find a way to function with it.

How much function is acceptable is a personal effort (dare I think choice?)

[Open Eyes]

My concern JD is telling people who struggle that "there is no cure" as you have said.
I know how bad I was, so crippled with it and I would not have faired as well if I was told "get used to it because there is no "cure"", no that would have not served me well at all when I was in a dangerous state of mind with it.

I asked my therapist on different occasions about being able to get "better" or is there really "no cure". He told me that we have been proving the plasticity of the brain and how we are capable of healing in ways we have never before realized. So he is not one to sit and tell me that I wont get better and continue to make substancial gains on it to where I can function much better. I make it a point to share what I have been learning with others and yet at the same time validate the challenge.

So, lets think about it this way instead. I raised a daughter with "dislexia" and that means her brain is "never" going to learn like the average "normal" brain. However, that doesn't mean she "can't learn". She will always have a brain that is dislexic and she will always have to work around that, however she does really well, infact, better than many who may learn the "average normal way".

With PTSD there is often damage in the hypocampus and the amigdyla is also comprimised, however, it has been proven that "healing" can take place and the brain "can" function and continue to learn and adapt. Typically the person does remain more "sensitive" however they can "learn" to recognize it and work around it as well as reduce the stress that they are challenged with resulting from the PTSD.

Also one person may not have it as bad as another person does, they can see this in the new technology they use to see parts of the brain we could not see before.

People have a tendancy to "believe" JD, so if you tell someone "there is no cure" it really isn't fair, because there are things they can learn so they get more control over it so they can be productive, verses believing the PTSD will "control them" and they are forever just "victims".

My daughter would have believed she would never read or spell or learn in meaningful ways if I looked at her and said there is no cure, which ofcourse there isn't, but she could have taken that wrong. With time and her learning how to "learn" inspite of the difference in her brain, she did actually "learn" and does very well as I mentioned.

No question about it though, it takes time to learn how to manage PTSD so that you can function better and overcome many of the debilitating effects that can take place with PTSD.

As I mentioned, I still have days where I struggle more than other days, so I know that I am still challenged. However, I have gotten considerably better than I have been in the past and I feel I can even learn to do better. If you spend too much time thinking about what you "can't do or be" then you are only going to "reinforce" those challenges. I find that "self observing" is important, to catch yourself when you begin to have negetive toughts, to catch yourself when you think you "have to be angry". to catch yourself when you have to problem solve so much at once, and learn to say "no" to these responses, that you "can" actually have a choice. It is just like everything else, we can learn to "do" gradually. No, it isn't a "just' it is more of a conscious effort now, but this conscious effort "can" get easier to accomplish with time. That is what I have been noticing. It may always be a more "conscious" effort from now on with me because I suffer from PTSD, but that effort can decrease in being so challenging to where I am slowly learning control again.

[(JD)]

Ok so dont tell anyone the truth... It might change the outcome in that a person who is constantly frustrated because healing isnt taking place has high expectations and loses all hope.... I am concerned that a person with PTSD doesnt truly accept their diagnosis if they dont realize that it never goes away. There are many ppl here who were never told this and are plunged into deep depression when after functioning in a livable level ( with much therapy I might add) the PTSD rears its head again and they have not a clue what is going on.

Some people who are not told about the generally serious nature of this beast PTSD might even believe they can battle it away by themselves. IMO. People need to know that feeling like you have "no identity" as the OP feels is common, and can lessen with therapy, but not to be disappointed nor surprised if in the future the feeling returns, it is the nature of the beast-- and yes, knowledge is power.

Is it something any of us want to hear? No. But even now there is an article on site about a genetic predisposition .. How is that going to be cured?

If someone is given the dx of PTSD then it's there. Can people suffer less or more with it than another Yes.. But the nature of the beast is basically the same for everyone... Even though it is vastly different for each one of us. I mean, when PTSD is ... Its like all the files of the brain are dumped on the floor... And anxiety rules ( it is an anxiety disorder)
It is a huge war... We must pick which battles are imortant for us to win/ overcome.

((Hellion)) if you feel this is OT let me know and I will have a mod edit it.

[Open Eyes]

Well JD, you have made me torn TBH, because I "have" asked several times, and will again tomarrow about "no cure". My therapist has worked with "many" PTSD patients and he has told me that I "can" learn to get better. He did however tell me that his patients "vary" with the amount of "time" it takes them to work through the "healing" stages of PTSD.

I do understand what you are saying, yes often there is a feeling of "no identity" with PTSD, one of the symptoms. I have had to learn about PTSD, recognize that I did have the symptoms that are discussed in the literature as well, but in becoming aware, it is important to make sure that while these symptoms are there, you can self observe and work on decreasing their severity.

Oh yes, I have truely experienced "all the files dumped on the floor" and the horrible anxiety of sorting through it. As I mentioned, I have a troubled history that goes all the way back for me, what I didn't realize is that while I survived it, I also was scarred by it all in ways I didn't realize. There were just always things I did, reacted to that I never realized "why", but only that I "did" have a way of "always looking over my shoulder". There were things in my past that I "avoided" as well, I didn't think of myself as very "smart", I focused on my ability to, be "creative and resourceful" instead. I honestly didn't realize that being that way and what I had managed to achieve meant that I was actually "above average and intelligent". For me it is sad because of the things I avoided because I assumed I was just not smart enough and it has been hard to see the "whys" to that that I see now and didn't long ago.

I am in my 50's so there is alot of pieces to sort through, a lifetime of who I was and why that has been hard to look at the way I have been looking at all these pieces.
Yes, I have often felt my entire "identiy" was very lost and confused. And it was awful because other people, family, friends didn't have a clue how bad I was, and as I mentioned, they were mean to me and said all the things that no one should say to someone crippled with PTSD.

Yes, at first I had to learn what it means to have PTSD, that it is real, and it isn't "me" that is now somehow a big "baby" or "being lazy or selfish" or "using it as an excuse somehow", which are a few of the reactions people have to it. Yes, I had that kind of response even in PC, this psyco central as some have called it.

Well, it has been alot of work to sort through all these pieces, and then mourn them and it is important to be "comforted" and "validated", so important, so yes, it is not as effective in "healing" if you work on it alone. And yes, a therapist can talk to "family members" and that doesn't mean they are then going to totally refrain from making comments that can still be mean. I still have to deal with that, only I am dealing with it in a more knowing way, and I teeder with how I see it and I still have days where I struggle because of that.

I don't want to "lie" to others, but I also don't want anyone to think they can't make gains on PTSD to where they can function better and regain their "identity" in a new way. Yes, once you get PTSD, you are forever changed, but you don't have to determine that you "can't" still grow and learn and also learn to manage it.

Last night on the News they were talking about five of the first responders at the Newtown incident and how they have been out of work struggling with PTSD. They are starting a fund for them to cover the loss of work and income as they have not been able to go back to work. I wonder, if they will ever be able to go back to work in that field ever again. I can't imagine how anyone can recover from seeing something like that tbh. It is pretty sad that there has to be an "awareness" of PTSD because of something like that taking place, however notice how they are not getting into the depth of the real battle these first responders will now face for the rest of their lives. At best, they will only learn to "manage it", but no one has said anything about that. I have to admit that it is hard to know what I know of the challenge and think of them, I didn't sleep well at all last night tbh. I find myself wanting them to discuss PTSD more instead of just referencing it the way they have been doing in discussing tramatic events. My husband was sitting next to me and I can see how he partly doesn't want to "hear about it" or "think about it" because he knows he treated me so badly when I was so bad with it.

I can't imagine these first responders at this point of time being told, "there is no cure" for the PTSD they are now dealing with. However, I am so glad that they will have alot of support.

For me, this will be year six since I was pretty much wiped out, suddenly dealing with 8 crippled animals that were my life, two have died and a few will remain crippled for as long as they live. Yet, I have been on the densive for all this time, still, any time I could get a call to finish being deposed, I DON'T WANT TO REMEMBER ALL THE DETAILS ANYMORE. GOD, I WISH IT WAS REALIZED HOW HARD THIS IS, HOW WRONG IT IS TO KEEP ME IN THIS PROCESS. I have to admit that I don't know if I can ever go back to doing what I did, I am deeply afraid to love anything anymore and feel safe with it tbh. I hate being ashamed that I struggle with that on a daily basis. It is very hard to look at the animals I have left and be able to feel the same about them the way I used to. I don't know how to love them a safe way "yet" and I don't know how to talk about it with others who don't understand PTSD. When it comes to discussing values and losses, there is no money that can ever replace what I want to be replaced. It is sooo hard not to be emotional, how can I not feel? I feel very deeply and it is sooo hard to feel like I am not suppose to show it for I won't be a very good witness or might seem "crazy" because I loved what I had so much, it was such a big part of me that I have had others just not understand.

The PTSD is "not" a part of my lawsuit because I didn't want my history openly discussed and have to defend that part of myself as well. I do feel however, that the system should be designed to take that into consideration so that the process is not allowed to go on so long and only make the PTSD worse.

Well, I guess I got off track here, after all I still do struggle with it. My point is that it is important to be "careful" when it comes to saying "no cure", perhaps that is something that can be discussed "gradually" so a patient can first "make progress" and realize that "the no cure" doesn't mean they might stay at the worst point of PTSD. I do remember that very "crippling" stage and at least I am not as bad as that now.
Personally, in my effort to support others, I do listen, I hear others discuss the symptoms and I validate them, but I also try to "encourage" them to find a good therapist, no just a therapist, but a good one and begin a "real" healing process verses just sitting alone with PTSD and not making the gains that "can" be made that really "help". Yes, I am aware about making "gains and being strong for a length of time" and then having "set backs". However the point is "knowing" that while it does happen, so does the abliity to have the capacity to also get back on track again once the "skills" to deal with it have been aquired.

[(JD)]

Hugs. You continue to try and convince yourself of a cure and all the while talk about becoming better..... Big difference.

A person cannot heal the best they can if they are always comparing it to what they used to be. Realizing no cure means you do not go back.